


Spoons

by feministdean



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Ableist Language, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Bisexual Dean, Castiel-centric, Chronic Pain, Coworkers - Freeform, Disability, Drama, Editor Castiel, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Family, First Time, Fluff, Gay Castiel, Happy Ending, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Misunderstandings, Multi, POV Dean Winchester, POV Third Person, Parent Castiel, Romance, Slow Build, Slow Burn, alternative universe, fibromyalgia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-14
Updated: 2017-12-03
Packaged: 2018-05-20 07:18:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 33
Words: 184,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5996578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/feministdean/pseuds/feministdean
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Dean Winchester accepts a job at Goldenwoods Publishing, he doesn't expect to start delivering work files to the editor-in-chief. Although the exchange lasts for five years, Castiel Novak stays impersonal and distant. Dean doesn't know what to think of his mood swings, his cane, and him. </p><p>The author, Ruby Cassidy, changes everything when her demanding and perfectionist nature brings the whole team at Goldenwoods together. Dean slowly starts to spend more time with his boss, in the office and delivering files to him, and his feelings about him blossom into something much more. It all starts to unravel when he learns about Castiel's past and what has kept him in his home for the last five years. </p><p> <i>"The next time he looks at you, just look at him too. I mean, really look at him. It’s… it’s like magic."<i></i></i></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Dean Winchester had been working at Goldenwoods for roughly ten years now, the book publisher had treated him quite nicely, giving him his own office after only working there for two years and a raise within three. Considering Goldenwoods wasn’t a publishing giant, he quickly became acquainted with most of the other employees from Charlie Bradbury, one of the technical authors, to Donna Hanscum in Human Resources.

He had gotten along with almost everyone and befriended quite a few which had given him the chance to throw a couple parties at his new condo. But Dean hadn’t gotten to know everyone, especially once he became busier as he advanced his position and although he loved his job, one task had always felt a bit odd to him.

“Can you deliver these to Castiel Novak when you leave?”

“Of course, Mr. Phelps.” Dean smiled as he was handed over the stack of files.

He had been delivering Castiel Novak’s work for some time now. Although Dean had advanced his position in the company, Zachariah, his boss, always called him to deliver the files and since Castiel’s home was on the way to his own, he never asked if he could lend the job to someone else. Dean headed home around 7PM. and placed the files on the passenger seat’s floor before he buckled up and drove home.

It was weird, really, even though he had been delivering Castiel’s work for more than five years now, he still hadn’t talked to him. Well, he had talked to him but a passing ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye’ didn’t count. He had peeked in the files a couple of times but nothing ever stood out and when he asked around the office during a lunch break when Castiel was out, barely anyone knew what his job was.

It was weird, really, even though he had been delivering Castiel’s work for more than five years now, he still hadn’t talked to him. Well, he had talked to him but a passing ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye’ didn’t count. He had peeked in the files a couple of times but nothing ever stood out and when he asked around the office during a lunch break when Castiel was out, barely anyone knew what his job was.

“I only see him walking to and from his office once in a blue moon. Maybe he’s a hermit.” Charlie joked before taking a sip of her tea.

“His eyes are _so_ blue.” Becky gushed in the corner. She was the new secretary, fresh out of college and a bit much for Dean’s taste.

“Give him a break, you guys, he could be really great,” Garth said, one of the marketing assistances.

“Have you met him?” Charlie asked, a curious tone in her voice.

“No, but-,”

“He could be a recluse,” Charlie suggested. “Or a vampire! I heard all of his blinds are closed in his office.”

Dean’s lips flattened into a thin line before going back to his lunch.

He hadn’t asked about Castiel again after that and there was no way in hell that he was going to ask Mr. Phelps. They were buddies but not that close to each other - at all. So he went back to being ignorant and almost completely forgot about the lunch conversation until he reached Castiel’s home. His coworker lived in a small gray bungalow with red fixtures and a brown door.

Dean was a bit thrown off when he saw it at first but now it had grown on him, it was a nice change from all the beige houses in San Diego. He parked in the driveway and reached for the stack of files before getting out his Impala. Dean walked up to the front door and rang the doorbell, then waited. 

When he began delivering Castiel’s work, he had briefly thought about just leaving the files at his doorstep so he could be home sooner but he quickly shoved that out of his mind. He wasn’t about to be the one responsible if a large pile of files got stolen or lost, so he waited. Castiel usually took a couple minutes to answer the door but when five minutes passed, Dean looked down at his watch then tried to peer through the curtains. No such luck, he couldn’t see a thing except that the front room was lit so Castiel had to be home. He sighed and waited.

“Hello, Dean.”

Dean looked up once he heard the gravelly voice and smiled softly before noticing that Castiel had a t-shirt and sweatpants on which was certainly _different_. He had never seen the other in anything besides an oxford button down and slacks. And he had never seen Castiel with a cane before.

“Um,” Dean began, clearing his throat. “Mr. Phelps sent me to give you your work. I’m sure he notified you.”

“He did. Come in.”

During the years of delivering Castiel’s work, he had never been invited into his home. He didn’t ask questions and just followed Castiel inside, closing the door behind himself. The house had a modern and sleek design to it. Dark hardwood floors, white cabinets, dark countertops, stainless steel appliances- the works. The house was small, yes, and he could practically see fully into the kitchen but it was nice. He didn’t know if Castiel had a wife or a kid, he hadn’t noticed any picture frames yet, but he was sure that it was enough, regardless.

“You can put the files on the kitchen table.”

Dean nodded and walked over to the table, setting the files down. He looked over at Castiel then, he was currently sitting on the couch flexing his hands.

“You okay?”

“Fine, just a little stiff today.” Castiel sighed then stood up, running a hand through his dark hair. “Thank you for delivering these to me.”

“Uh, you’re welcome. I’ll see you soon?”

“Yes, probably by next week.”

Dean nodded. He delivered work to Castiel about three times a month and Castiel was usually only gone a few days whenever he was out. But it was only Monday, so he would be out of work for a week. Dean tried not to frown. Of course Castiel obviously completed his work whenever he was out, a week was so long. He wondered why this time was different.

“Okay, well.” Dean cleared his throat. “I’ll just get going.”

“Right.” Castiel followed Dean to the front door, albeit slowly, and let Dean out. “Goodbye, Dean.”

Dean turned back to Castiel and nodded, giving him a small wave before heading back into his Impala. He started the engine and reversed out of Castiel’s driveway to finally get home. Charlie was wrong, Castiel was not a vampire, obviously, but the man was definitely strange.


	2. Chapter 2

Dean hadn't told anyone at work about the incident with Castiel. There wasn't much to tell, really, he just dropped off the guy’s work and noticed that there were a few things different about him. Besides a lot of people wore sweatpants at home, and maybe he was using a cane because he injured something. No big deal, just different. He didn't understand why he kept thinking about the incident but he couldn't get it out of his mind.

“Earth to Dean. Hello, are you in there?”

Dean’s head snapped up and saw Charlie coming to sit down next to him. It was their lunch break which usually meant them talking about the new episode of Game of Thrones or Charlie’s girlfriend, Dorothy.

“Sorry,” Dean chuckled then went back to his sandwich.

“Are you feeling okay? You've been really out of it today.”

“Yeah, I'm fine. I guess I didn't sleep well last night.”

Charlie nodded slowly as she opened her container. “Okay, if you say so.”

“You think I’m lying?” Dean’s brows knitted together, mouth half-filled with food.

“Look, I’m just saying I wouldn’t judge you if you had the hots for one of the new girls.”

“Charlie..."

“Maybe someone outside of work?”

“Sadly for you, the closest thing to anything romantic or sexual for me lately was with the pie I bought last night.”

“Dean,” Charlie sighed. “Don’t you think it’s time to get out there again? It’s been like, three years since you and Lisa. You need to get out there again.”

“You make it sound like I haven’t had sex in three years or something.”

“Random hookups and flings don’t count. I’m just looking out for you, bro.”

“I know, I appreciate it,” Dean smiled softly. “So, did you watch the new episode last night?”

Charlie’s face lit up and Dean knew she was ready to gush about the new episode of Game of Thrones.

                                                                                ***                                                                                        

Dean arrived home that night a little after eight. The office had two mandatory meetings before anyone could leave; one with their personal team and another general meeting with the whole office. Zachariah needed everyone to be ready for Ruby Cassidy’s arrival the next day. The New York Times Bestselling author was publishing her newest novel, _Olive and Wine_ , with the small company and all hands needed to be on deck. Goldenwoods usually published smaller known authors, it was more manageable for the company and big named authors just didn’t publish with lesser known companies. 

Now it was game time, and Dean was conflicted. Although he was grateful that a well-known author had chosen to work with Goldenwoods, he had heard terrible things about Ruby Cassidy. Apparently she was terrible to work with. Harsh, critical, and short-tempered just to name a few of her apparent qualities and as he sat in the general meeting to learn about all of this, he was starting to wonder if the Big Five publishing companies decided not to work with her rather than the other way around.

He chuckled at the thought as he slipped off his messenger bag and took off his suit jacket before laying it on the back of the couch. Dean walked over to the kitchen and opened the fridge, running a hand through his hair as he looked for something to eat. He picked the other half of a Jimmy John’s sandwich and a beer and as he was closing the door, he noticed the half eaten apple pie on the top shelf. It reminded him of the conversation he had with Charlie earlier in the day and he had to admit that what she had said was, at least, half true.

Dean hadn’t dated anyone since his relationship with Lisa ended three years ago but it wasn’t like he was lonely, he had plenty of hookups and flings that kept him entertained. In fact, he hadn’t thought about dating until she brought it up but his life had changed so much since he and Lisa broke up. He had been promoted in his position and had his own home where he threw good parties with friends, family, and coworkers now. But he still remembered the memories of her like when he cooked Lisa a four-course meal for their second anniversary, or when him, Lisa, and Ben, Lisa’s son from a previous relationship, all went camping during one of the hottest summers in San Diego. It was so different back then, so domestic and easy. 

They all had a schedule and a routine, Dean cooked breakfast, Lisa helped Ben get ready for school, him and Lisa had date night at least once a week and they fought over petty things like who would do the laundry or wash the dishes. It was so easy to put on rose tinted glasses and reminisce but once he closed the fridge’s door, all of the reasons why they split up flooded back. Lisa thought Dean worked too much, Dean thought Lisa nagged incessantly, Lisa labeled Dean as a workaholic that put his job and even his car before her, Dean felt smothered by Lisa and the finger-pointing and the name calling only got worse as time went on until Dean bolted one day.

He slipped into the Impala and drove, he didn’t know where he was headed or when he was coming back but he knew that he had to get out of there. Dean stayed at a motel two hours away from home and came back the next day with Lisa furious while Ben wouldn’t even look at him and he knew then that it was time to leave permanently. Dean packed his things, had one last conversation with Lisa and threw Ben a longing glance as if it would be a silent apology, but when Ben turned away, he knew that he broke whatever bond they had.

He drove to Sam’s home in the city, his brother was more than happy to let him stay as long as he needed to and was greeted with open arms from Sam and Jess. Dean took over the guest bedroom and bath and since Jess, Sam’s girlfriend from his college days, had already moved in, he stayed in his bedroom most of the time to give the two a bit of privacy. The good thing was that Jess was a nurse at Kindred Hospital and she usually had the night and early morning shifts so him and Sam spent most evenings together, drinking beers, watching television, and ordering pizza or if Dean felt up to it, would cook his legendary double cheeseburgers with a side salad for Sam.

Dean stayed with Sam and Jess for three months and sometimes still hadn’t felt that he thanked them enough for their hospitality.

_“Guess all the beers for the next three months are on you, huh?”_

Dean bought the beers and whiskey for the two for the next three months and then some, he would still grab the tab if he asked for it before Sam but he could tell that his brother was starting to feel a bit guilty that he kept paying for their drinks. Dean didn’t care, he owed Sam and that was that.

He was overcome with emotions as he walked to the couch and sat down, he took a deep breath then and opened his beer and quickly took a swig. Dean pushed the thoughts away because he knew that there was no reason to mull over the past. It wasn’t going to change a thing.

***

The week had been hell and Ruby Cassidy hadn’t even arrived yet but there was so much preparation for the big day that when Monday rolled around, he was barely on edge anymore. Dean was just ready to get whatever she demanded and get the ball rolling.

Dean’s ears perked up once he heard the sound of heels clicking on the hardwood outside of his office. He had holed himself at his desk for most of the day but turned to look up at the giant clock hanging on the left wall. 3:32PM.

A knock soon followed on his office door and he sighed, prepared for the worst.

“Come in,” The door opened and he silently braced for the worst until he saw Becky. He let the breath he didn’t even know he was holding in, and shook his head softly. “Hi, Becky.”

“Hi, Mr. Winchester! How are you today?” Becky’s smile seemed to run for miles and the excitement in her voice never seemed to end.

“I’m good.” Dean nodded and gave her a small smile. He watched as she giggled softly then tried to compose herself as she tucked her hair behind her ear. “Any reason you needed to talk to me?”

“Right. Marv wants to see you design. He said he has a few templates that you should see.”

“Can’t he just email them to me?” Dean asked, brows furrowing. He kept his voice neutral. Becky was new and didn’t know how much of a douche Marv was. He couldn’t blame her for being the messenger.

“No, he told me that he has to see you.”

Dean swallowed softly then nodded once more. “Alright. Thanks, Becky.”

“No problem, Dean. Have a good day!” Becky smiled and walked out of his office, closing the door behind her.

Dean stood up and stretched, he had only gotten up for his lunch break and he legs were sore as hell and maybe Sam was right about exercising but Dean was not about to attend a yoga class with his brother. He walked out of his office and down the hallway, many office doors were opened and he saw everyone working dutifully which Dean hadn’t seen since Gadreel Peters, one of the best children’s authors, published his fourth book with Goldenwoods two years ago. Maybe Ruby had already arrived or maybe people were already scared shitless of her. As he went down the hallway, he noticed Castiel’s door opened. Dean slowed down and wondered if he should see how the guy was, especially since the last time he did see him, the guy had a cane. Before he knew it, he knocked on Castiel’s door three times and when he did, he was wondering why.

“Come in,”

He rarely talked to the guy and last week had his first conversation with Castiel for the first time since the last six years, so what the hell were they going to talk about?

“Hi, Castiel.”

“Dean.”

Dean watched as Castiel looked up from his laptop, eyes slightly wide like he was surprised to see him. But he probably was, he didn’t even remember the last time he stepped foot into Castiel’s office. He glanced around the room; filing cabinets on the right side, artwork hanged on the walls, files and folders were neatly stacked on his desk, and the blinds were only opened slightly, letting in a bit of natural light while lamps illuminated the rest.

“So, uh, are you feeling better?” Dean tried to keep his voice nonchalant and he looked for the cane he saw a week ago.

“Yes, I’m feeling much better than last week. Thank you for asking.” Castiel had stopped writing and watched Dean and Dean was sure he hadn’t met someone with such good eye contact in his life. It was silent for a moment, a moment too long before Castiel began again. “Did you need anything in particular?”

Dean silently cursed at himself inside of his head. “Uh, right. So, are you excited for Ruby Cassidy to come?”

“Not very. She came into my office at one to tell me that I’m not ‘editing correctly’ as if I don’t know what I’m doing,” Castiel even used air quotes. “Her voice is incredibly grating when she’s irritated, so today could be better.”

“Right,” Dean nodded. “I’m sorry to hear that, man. I haven’t met her yet.”

“Consider yourself lucky.” Castiel hummed then cleared his throat. “I’m sorry to do this, but I have so much to get done today so-,”

“Oh, no problem. Sorry to cut into your time.” Dean interrupted and headed to the doorway. “I’ll see you around, I guess.”

“Yes, I’m positive you will.”

“See you, Castiel.” Dean began to walk out of the office once he noticed Castiel go back to his laptop.

“Goodbye, Dean.”


	3. Chapter 3

Castiel’s alarm went off at the exact same time every day, the sound of birds chirping filled his room as he woke up. The next thing was to figure out what pained him the most and, like most days, his lower back and right shoulder won. His pain was always the worst in the mornings and he assumed that it was because he had just laid in the same position for eight hours but he didn’t know. Neither did his doctors.

Castiel pushed himself to the sitting position and sighed, the action hurting him more than he would like to admit. It took him twenty minutes to get out of bed and another ten to pick out his clothes and get dressed. He knew it was going to be slow morning then and he pinned it on his pain. It had been flaring up more than usual and he knew that it had to be because of Ruby Cassidy’s arrival. His pain progressively got worse as he dealt with her throughout the day and he didn't need another flare up.

He sighed when he walked into the bathroom and looked into the mirror. The disheveled hair was almost like a main staple now, considering sleeping wasn't exactly easy anymore. Sometimes Castiel felt more tired the following morning when he woke up than the night before. He combed through his hair and brushed his teeth before heading into the hallway. Cas walked into the kitchen and took out one of the pre-made green juices in a travel mug out of the refrigerator. They had been a lifesaver once he figured out how to deal with his pain.

Cas slipped his messenger bag over his shoulder and walked out the door. It was already seven forty once he got onto the road and he hoped that traffic would at least be manageable today. His hope dwindled as he noticed traffic was bumper-to-bumper yet again.

“Play [Bob Dylan](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-PfDSQSWuGI),” Cas commanded. The car stereo beeped and Bob Dylan’s nasally voice began singing throughout the car.

 _“Well, if you’re travelin’ in the north country fair_  
_Where the winds hit heavy on the borderline_  
_Remember me to one who lives there_  
_She once was a true love of mine”_

Cas hummed along, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel. Ringing from the car’s stereo paused the song.

“Calling: Balthazar.”

Cas pressed the answer button on his steering wheel then heard a beep, signalling that Balthazar was on the other line.

_“Cassie, hi.”_

“Good morning, Balthazar.”

_“How are you? Emmi has been talking about you all morning.”_

Castiel smiled at the words. Their daughter primarily lived with Balthazar but Cas tried to see her as much as he could. He missed her so much.

“I’m doing fine. Tell her I say hi.”

 _“Are you sure you’re fine?”_ Balthazar asked and Castiel could hear the concern in his voice. _“Are you still picking her up tonight?”_

“Just a bit sore this morning, you know. But yes, I plan on getting her tonight after yoga.”

_“Maybe you should take it easy then, you were out all last week.”_

Balthazar was always concerned about Cas once he got his diagnosis. Fibromyalgia at thirty-five wasn’t common, especially for a man. Ninety percent of people with fibromyalgia were women so he was part of the lucky ten percent. Looking back, Castiel knew that he was hard to be around the year before getting diagnosed and some time afterwards before he knew how to manage his pain. There came a point where he would snap at anything and wouldn’t even let Balthazar touch him. Everything was too much. They divorced two years later and patched things up once Cas was himself again and knew how to deal with his pain.

“I’m sure I’ll be fine. I’m taking it easy today and yoga usually helps. I’ll be fine.”

There was a pause. He heard a thud and Emmi’s laughter. Cas smiled as he listened to his daughter and the chaos on the other line.

“ _Cassie, I have to go. The milk carton dropped and it’s a mess. Call me after yoga, alright?”_

“Okay, I will. I’ll talk to you soon.”

The call ended with a beep and Bob Dylan’s voice began singing through the car again.

***

“Mrs. Cassidy,” Castiel began. “your book is coming along nicely, I assure you. You don’t have to worry. We all have everything under control.”

“And yet why is only one of the marketing templates in the process of getting approved?” Ruby tapped her foot then straightened out her back as she stood in front of Cas’ desk. She never sat down whenever she barged into his office. “It never takes this long _elsewhere_.”

Cas rarely understood why she hinted at the other companies she had published at. He knew that Ruby wouldn’t leave Goldenwoods because if she wanted the feel of the big giant publishers, she would have left by now. Castiel knew that Ruby didn’t need Goldenwoods as much as the company needed her but he also knew that she wanted the flexibility and there weren’t many publishing companies in San Diego for that. Except Goldenwoods.

So there they were. He and Ruby would have to get along for the next six months and that was that. Cas was already starting to wonder if they could make it for that long.

“We’re on schedule, especially since I’m still finalizing the touches for the first chapter. The two assistant editors are still marking up the next chapters and if you want flexibility and more input than usual, you’ll have to give us time.”

Ruby pursed her lips.

“I will try to approve the first template before the day ends. I’m assuming it’s still in the marketing or production department.”

“Fine. That’s fine.”

Ruby’s glare was still holding onto Castiel but he kept her gaze before she looked away for a moment. She took a deep breath and turned back to him.

“I’m positive the design team would love your input.” Castiel looked down at is laptop. He only needed a couple more hours to finish the nuts and bolts of the chapter. He turned to Ruby again. “Mainly Marv. He was the primary designer for the first template.”

“I don’t think I’ve met him yet, but a few people have mentioned him to me.”

“Yes, he’s a saint.” Castiel hoped his sarcasm wasn’t too clear.

He watched as Ruby walked out of his office without another word and he was sure that the two would have fun together. Castiel looked down at his laptop again and noticed the time. 1:32. He was already half way into his lunch break and didn’t even notice but he never did.

Castiel closed his laptop and stood up slowly. He headed to the lunchroom and opened the door, noticing quite a few people were already here. Cas also noticed how some of them quieted down as he walked to the refrigerator but he was used to it. Although he had known most of the people at Goldenwoods, no one seemed to talk to him. Cas wasn’t sure why but didn’t press the issue.

He opened the refrigerator and took out his chowder then walked over to the microwave. Cas punched in two minutes before watching the numbers tick down as he waited. He felt eyes burning on his back but he didn’t turn around.

“Hey, are you Castiel?”

Cas turned around and saw the guy looking at him. He was at a table with a two other people and he immediately noticed Dean. He was sitting next to a redhead and her name was on the tip of his tongue. Cas thought for a moment but as he watched their faces scrunch up in confusion, he stopped. He must have been squinting again. Balthazar had always told him to watch the action because apparently it was weird to most people. Cas had a hard time doing so.

“Yes, I am.”

“I’m Garth. I’m from the marketing team. Do you wanna sit with us?” The man, Garth, smiled.

The microwave dinged just in time.

“I’m very busy, actually. But thank you.” Castiel turned to the microwave and took out his container then turned around again, looking over at Dean. “Dean, are you still looking at the first template? Ruby asked me when it’s going to be approved but I haven’t received it yet.”

“Yeah, man. I’ll get it to you today.”

Castiel nodded and walked out of the lunchroom.

***

Castiel left work around five. His pain had been relatively low and constant as the day progressed. Manageable; even with Ruby breathing down his back about the first chapter and template. Cas drove to the yoga studio, Pilgrimage of the Heart, and turned on the radio. He had been attending classes for four years and it had helped manage his pain. Balthazar mentioned it as he read up on fibromyalgia. Yoga worked for some with chronic pain and Castiel was reluctant at first but was one of the lucky ones that could use it as an alternative treatment.

He arrived at the studio and grabbed his messenger bag and mat from the trunk and headed inside. The studio was warm and minimalistic with soothing music playing in the background in the main entry way. He walked to the reception desk and signed himself in.

“Hi Castiel, how are you today?” Tamara, one of the receptionists, asked.

She had always been his favorite. She was the first receptionist that he met and welcomed him into the studio, making it feel like an extension of home.

“I’m doing pretty well. Yourself?”

“Great day as always. Are you here for gentle yoga?”

“Of course. I’ll see you in an hour.” Castiel smiled then walked down the hallway and into the restroom.

He changed into his shirt and yoga shorts then headed into the main yoga room. Castiel put his messenger bag up against a wall then put his yoga mat down and sat, legs crossed and ready for the exercise.

“Hey, how’ve you been doing?”

Cas turned and saw Sam walking over to him. He only had his mat with him and laid it besides Cas then sat down. Castiel met the tall brunet a year ago when Sam told him that he was only here to find another yoga place in town. Cas assumed that he never found a different studio that he liked more as he kept attending classes and Cas made a friend along the way.

“I’m alright. I’m just winding down for the day and picking up my daughter tonight. I’ve been thinking of bringing her to one of the kids classes. I think she’d enjoy it.” Cas hummed.

“Oh, really? Emmi, right? That’s awesome. I’ve been telling my brother that he needs to come to a class but he’s not really into all this. He calls it ‘hippie shit’ but I’m trying.”

Castiel smiled. He had heard about Sam’s brother many times and seemed like quite the character. While him and Sam talked about new juices they’ve been trying or the best natural food store or restaurant, Sam talked about how he watched his brother eat half a pie last night. He also talked about his brother’s infamous double cheeseburgers that he would cook sometimes, Cas hadn’t eaten a cheeseburger in so long and his brother’s seemed so tasty. Just the talk of them made his mouth water sometimes. Cas could never see him here. The session finished in an hour and Castiel and Sam said their goodbyes before they went their separate ways.

***

The drive to Balthazar’s was short. He had lived relatively close to the yoga studio and Cas by default, so it worked out well. When Castiel moved out, they both decided living close would be for the best so Emmi could ride the bus to school at either house and it wouldn’t be too much of hassle.

Cas drove through the neighborhood and down into one of the last cul-de-sacs, then onto the driveway of the two-story home. Balthazar lucked out when he kept the home, five bedrooms, a pool, a hot tub, and ocean views. When it was the three of them, the house seemed like a bit much but they told themselves they needed the space because of Cas’ family, but now it seemed like so much for Balthazar and Emmi. But Balthazar didn’t seem like he was moving any time soon. Cas stepped out of his Lincoln and headed up the driveway, feeling his legs ache as he went, and rang the doorbell. He heard some ruckus until the door opened. Cas quickly noticed Balthazar’s confusion.

“I thought you were going to call after yoga?”

The memory flooded back while his cheeks turned red with embarrassment. Cas couldn’t believe he completely forgot.

“Oh. I’m so sorry, Balthazar. I completely forgot.”

One of the fibromyalgia symptoms Castiel had infrequently was brain fog. It hadn’t affected him too much but whenever it did, especially when it came to his work or Emmi, it embarrassed him. He watched Balthazar sigh and run a hand through his blond locks.

“It’s fine. Come in. Emmi’s eating dinner.”

Cas nodded and walked into the house then took off his shoes before walking down the hallway, Balthazar shutting the door behind them. The tv was on in the living room, the local news broadcasting, while Emmi sat at the kitchen table eating spaghetti. She looked up a moment later, a smile spreading across her tomato sauce stained cheeks.

“Daddy!”

“Hi, sweetie.” Cas smiled and walked up to the table to hug Emmi. He didn’t mind that some of the sauce on her face was rubbing off onto his shirt. “How are you? How was your day?”

“Really good! Mrs. Geha gave me two gold stars today and Miss Emily said I read really good.”

“Really well.” Cas corrected gently as he sat down at the spot besides her.

“Yeah, really well and,” Emmi continued, only stopping periodically for another bite.

Cas listened to her go on and on about her day and as Emmi rambled, their calico cat, Callie, trotted into the kitchen and up to Castiel, rubbing herself on his legs. She mewed softly and Cas bent down to pet her, listening to her purr as he continued.

“How are you?”

Cas looked up at the sound of Balthazar’s voice. He stayed at the island, dinner in front of him but it didn’t look like he touched it yet. Cas recognized the concern again.

“I’m fine. Same old, same old.” Cas white lied. He never felt comfortable discussing his pain with Emmi around. Of course he would love to vent to Balthazar about his aching legs, how his right shoulder started acting up on the way here and how he felt his fatigue manifest as he sat. But he wouldn’t. “How are you?”

“Busy day. Would you like some water?”

Cas watched as Balthazar started to make a glass without waiting for his answer so he let him. Balthazar was one of the top lawyers at the law firm a few blocks away, so he was constantly busy with something and he usually had a babysitter help with Emmi after school.

Emmi and Cas stayed for another hour. Emmi finished her dinner while Balthazar brought her travel duffel bag downstairs. She put on her shoes and waited for Cas by the door. He took the bag from Balthazar and slipped it onto his left shoulder.

“Ready to go?” Cas ran a hand through Emmi’s loose blond curls.

“Yep!” She hugged Balthazar before heading to the door, hand grabbing the doorknob.

Castiel grabbed the seven year old’s hand and let Emmi open the door. They walked out onto the entryway and Cas looked over at Balthazar.

“Goodbye, Balthazar. I’ll see you in a week.”

Mhm,” Balthazar kept his hand on the doorknob. “I’ll see you then. Have fun you two.”

The door closed and Cas and Emmi made their way to the car. Now it was just him and Emmi.


	4. Chapter 4

Starting the day with Emmi was usually hectic. Cas had to get himself ready and help her whenever she needed it. But she was seven now and could do most things on her own which was a timesaver. Cas only needed to gently remind her of things as they both got ready.

“Emmi, please don’t forget to brush your teeth!”

 “Don’t forget to put your homework in your backpack, sweetie!”

 “No, no. I can help you get that down! Just give me a minute, please!”

Cas walked out of his bathroom and into the kitchen to see Emmi standing by the pantry. She wore a pale blue jersey dress with a bunny and a kitten sitting in a patch of flowers in the right corner. She didn’t have shoes on yet and her hair was a mess but it was progress. He grabbed a plastic bowl from the cabinet then the Honey Nut Cheerios out of the pantry and the almond milk out of the refrigerator.

Cas bought the giant box of gluten free cereal two weeks before. He was excited to finally eat something for breakfast again rather than drink his green juice every morning. _Gluten-free, my ass._ Cas grumbled twenty minutes after he finished his bowl. He had a major twenty-four hour flare up and had to take a sick day last minute. Cas could barely move and laid in his bed for the majority of the day.

He made Emmi a bowl and took out a spoon from the utensil drawer before putting it out on the kitchen table.

“Do you know what you want to do with your hair?” Cas asked as Emmi sat down. He ran a hand through her hair. “How about a head band? A pink one?”

“Hmm,” Emmi paused, putting a finger on her chin as she thought. “Okay! And pink shoes!”

“Alright, I’ll go get a pink headband and shoes.” 

Cas fetched one of Emmi’s pink headbands and a pair of shoes then walked back into the kitchen. He did her hair as she ate and hummed to herself.

“Can we get a puppy?”

“Emmi..” Cas warned. He slipped on the headband then headed into the kitchen. “You have to eat. The bus is coming soon.”

“Can we get a kitten?”

“We’ve talked about this. You already have Callie at your father’s.”

“Yeah, but we don’t have a pet here! I’m seven now!”

“Emmi, it’s not a good time to have a pet.”

Emmi huffed then went back to her breakfast.

She started asking about a pet three months ago after her birthday because apparently she was old enough to take care of one. Cas could barely take care of himself during a bad flare up let alone a puppy. A kitten could be manageable, but still not in the cards. He missed having a pet around, yes, him and Balthazar adopted Callie two years before they bought their house but it was different now. Maybe when Emmi was older.

“Would you want to go hiking this weekend or go to the beach? We could find seashells.” Cas changed the topic.

He took out a travel mug from the refrigerator and placed Emmi’s lunchbox on the counter. PB&J sandwich, carrot sticks, strawberries, and her water bottle; just like every Wednesday. 

“The beach! Remember when I found that really big one!” Emmi made her hands into a circle. “And, and, I put it on my ear and I heard the ocean!”

Cas smiled as she watched his daughter reenact the moment. He made it a priority for them to spend as much time outside as possible, especially when his pain was manageable. Since Balthazar spent the majority of time outside of work completing more work at home meaning him and Emmi spent most days inside. Balthazar couldn’t help it. It was just a part of his job. Cas wanted Emmi to grow up loving nature as much as he did.

“That was a great day, wasn’t it?” Cas smiled as he took Emmi’s finished cereal bowl from her and put it in the sink. “Can you get your shoes on and your backpack? The bus is coming soon.”

Emmi nodded and finished up getting ready. He put a few folders into his messenger bag then grabbed his phone off the counter. It dinged and a notification popped up.

**Mailbox**

_Becky Rosenberg_

_Surprise Party!_

_Hi everyone! This is super short notice bu.._

 Cas tensed up. Becky had been in charge of the company-wide emails two weeks after she became a secretary. They were usually nothing to worry about but this seemed different. Cas tried to think about who’s birthday was coming up before he checked the email.

“Okay, I’m ready!”

Cas’ nerves were halted once he looked up at Emmi. She already had her shoes and book bag on, standing at the door. He sighed and slipped his phone into his back pants pocket.

“You almost forgot your lunchbox, sweetie.” Cas walked back into the kitchen and grabbed it. He could hear Emmi’s footsteps behind him.

He turned around and gave it to her then followed her to the front door, letting her open it. They stepped into the entryway and Cas bent down to give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

“Have a good day. Meg will be at the bus stop in the afternoon and I’ll get home around five.”

“Okay. Bye, daddy.” Emmi smiled widely. She lost her two front teeth three months ago and her smile was even cuter than before.

Cas watched Emmi walk over to the bus stop. Four kids were already waiting with Ennis and he waved at him with a smile. Ennis and his wife, Tamera, lived a couple of houses down with their son, Bradley, and daughter, Madison. Him and Rosa, a mom from down the street, switched bus stop duty every week.

Cas walked back into the house and left for work shortly after.

***

Cas still hadn’t opened the email. He had a split screen on his laptop; the left side had chapter two of _Olive and Wine_ and the right with his email. Cas supposed his nerves were in part because he wasn’t sure what the email would entail but it mostly because he hadn’t socialized with any of his coworkers in, ever.

Balthazar called him “the introvert type” when he made him come up with an excuse as to why they couldn’t come to a work function. Now he didn’t have Balthazar to bail him out of such affairs but they mostly stopped inviting him to functions a few years ago. Apparently this was different.

Cas looked down at the clock on his laptop. _1:03._ He was officially on his lunch break so it was a good time as ever to finally read the email. He took a deep breath and clicked on the message.

_Surprise Party!_

_Wed 5/19/2015 7:15 AM_

_Rosenberg, Becky_

_To: Bradbury, Charlene; Hanscum, Donna; VI Fitzgerald, Garth…_

_Hi everyone! This is super short notice but some of us around the office thought it would be a super awesome idea if we threw a surprise party for Mr. Phelps! Some have insisted that I call him Zachariah in the email and I don’t feel 100% comfortable with that but I’ll try my best! The theme will be golf and it would be awesome if you all would pitch in for decorations. There’s a yellow decoration fund box in the lunchroom! The surprise party will be THIS SATURDAY AT 7PM AT HARVELLE’S ROADHOUSE!!! But please get there at least by 6:30PM!!!_

_It would be so fun and cool if you all could attend and we’ve split up the work and all of you are assigned something! The list is below:_

_Me: Plates/napkins_

_Charlie: Music_

_Marv, Garth, Chuck: Snack food (hot/cold)_

_Donna: Invitations!!! (This is only close friends/family only!!)_

_Dean: Persuade him to come!! I’m sure you’ll think of something!! He likes you!!_

Cas smirked with amusement at that. His eyes travelled down the list and the last name was his.

_Castiel: Cake (He likes carrot, red velvet, vanilla, and ice cream! NO NUTS!!!)_

_Please email me if you want to come early and help set up! If not enough people offer, I’ll start demanding people to come with me! This is going to be a blast!!_

_Becky_

Cas sighed and ran a hand through his hair. His nerves weren’t erratic anymore but dread quickly filled his thoughts. He could still cancel and make up some lie about his fibro flaring up or Emmi being sick. There was still time. Maybe he should call Balthazar.

His thoughts were interrupted by his growling stomach. Cas skimmed the email one last time before closing his laptop and heading to the lunchroom. He noticed the yellow donation bucket first thing when he walked into the room. It already had a few coins and dollars in it and he thought for a moment if he should donate to it. His cancellation to the party would look better if he already donated to it and he could drop off the cake.

Maybe later.

“Excited for the party?”

Cas turned to see Garth. He sat at the same table with the redhead and Dean again. They were all looking at him and Cas felt tongue-tied.

“Um,” Cas cleared his throat. “Definitely. I’m looking forward to it.”

“Please for the love of Star Wars, do not get carrot cake. It’s not a party cake.” The redhead complained. “It’s barely cake at all.”

“Becky did list other options. What flavors do you like?”

“Ooh, raspberry.” Charlie’s eyes went wide with delight.

“Vanilla!” Garth nodded.

Cas looked over at Dean. He still hadn’t said anything.

"Well, sorry to break your bubble, but I’m a pie guy.” Dean grinned then shrugged before going back to sandwich.

“Says the guy who could probably eat a whole cake.” Charlie gave Dean a teasing nudge.

“But I have ate a whole pie before so it’s different.” Dean smirked then put down his sandwich then cleaned off his hands with one of his napkins. “Uh, put me down for chocolate. Chocolate on chocolate. It’s the only way.”

Cas nodded. Vanilla was the only one they named that was on the list.

“I’ll see what I can do.” Cas turned around and walked over to the refrigerator. He took out his kale salad and headed to the door.

“See ya on Saturday!”

Cas looked over to see Garth smiling at him. He gave a small smile and walked out of the lunchroom.

***

Castiel drove into the driveway at five and saw Meg’s black Nissan already parked. He parked in the garage, grabbed his messenger bag and headed inside.

“Clarence.” Meg greeted from the living room. Her voice reminded Cas of velvet or dark chocolate. “How was your day?”

He set his messenger bag down, put his keys into the key bowl and took of his shoes before walking into the living room.

“It could have been better,” Cas hummed then sat on the couch adjacent to where Meg sat. “How was your afternoon?”

“Just peachy. Emmi is in her room playing with her barbies. I made her a bowl of grapes and cantaloupe for a snack.” Meg began. She looked Castiel up and down then continued. “What happened today that made it so awful?”

“It wasn’t awful. We’re holding a surprise party for my boss and I was invited and I have to bring the cake.”

“Oh my, you’re finally being social?” Meg smiled and flipped her dark hair over her shoulder.

“I’m trying to get out of it. I haven’t been invited to a work function in years. Balthazar always came up with an excuse as to why we couldn’t attend but now-,”

“Now it’s just you. Poor Clarence,” Meg put her hand on Castiel’s shoulder. “Maybe you’ll make a friend other than that seven foot beast Seal.”

“Sam.”

“Right, Sam.” Meg stood up and walked over to get her purse hanging on the coat rack. “It was nice spending time with Emmi but I have to write a paper.”

Cas stood up and followed Meg to the door, pulling out his wallet before handing her fifty dollars.

“Thank you for watching Emmi for me.”

“No problem. Have fun at the party.”

***

When Saturday arrived, Cas felt fine. He didn’t feel any stabbing back pain, his right arm wasn’t throbbing, and he had no signs suggesting a migraine was coming. He almost felt _good._

Damn it.

Cas promised Emmi that they would go to the beach and that was what they would do. It took an hour to get ready and head out, Bob Dylan playing through the car.

“How many sea shells do you think we’ll find?” Cas glanced into the rearview mirror to Emmi.

“Um,” Emmi looked out the window then to Cas. “Probably five hundred.”

“Wow, five hundred? It’s a good thing that we brought a big bucket.”

Cas loved the beach even when it was crowded with other families, couples, and friends. He loved the sand that squished beneath his feet, the slight breeze, and the feeling of cold water that came up to his ankles whenever him and Emmi stood in the shallow part of the ocean because it was usually too cold to swim in.

He loved all of it and he loved watching Emmi in her big floppy beach hat and bucket in hand looking for shells.

“Look at this one! It’s so big!” Emmi turned to Cas and showed him a dark blue shell. She placed it in her bucket and went to look for more.

“Emmi, does something look different to you?” Cas brought two shells to his eyes and gave Emmi a funny smile. He listened to Emmi laugh then took the shells away. “I think these are my favorite. Which are your favorites?”

“I like the blue one.” Emmi pointed at the dark blue shell again. Cas dumped the two shells he found in the bucket then followed Emmi down the beach to look for more shells.

 ***

Cas dropped Emmi at her friend’s house for a sleepover before he headed to the grocery store. It was official, he was going to attend the surprise party. His call to Balthazar wasn’t much help either.

_“Look Cassie, I know you don’t want to go out but I know you’re a dreadful liar. If they catch you lying, it’ll be worse than spending a couple of hours with your coworkers. What was his name.. Gabe?”_

_“Garth.”_

_“Ah right, Garth. He could be pleasant.”_

_Cas rolled his eyes then huffed. “I’ll talk to you later.”_

_“Have fun, Cassie.” He could practically see Balthazar’s teasing smirk._

Before he headed to the party, he needed a cake. Cas stood in front of the bakery section, taking it all of the cakes. It would have been better if he had a longer notice so he could order a cake from an actual bakery, he and Balthazar got a nice gluten-free cake at a bakery near his house for Emmi’s last birthday, but a grocery store cake would have to do. Cas chose a big blank vanilla sheet cake with green icing and looked at the girl at the other side of the counter. He glanced at her name tag, _Ashley_.

“Hi, how may I help you?”

“Hi, I'm doing well. Can you write ‘ _Happy birthday, Zachariah_ ’. Also, do you have any golf cake toppers?”

“Sure do! They’re over there with all the other toppers.” Ashley pointed at the small rack of toppers by the cookies. She took the cake from him and Cas walked over to the rack.

He chose a golf club, cart, and a ball with a tee before Ashley called him over to pay for his cake. Cas handed over the toppers then took out his wallet as Ashley rung up the items. $44.15 down the drain on a cake that he couldn’t even eat.

***

Cas let google maps direct him to Harvelle's Roadhouse and when he arrived, the sign beaming red and cars almost filled the parking lot. He parked next to a blue car, grabbed the cake and the toppers and headed inside.

Uptown Funk blared through the restaurant as he watched his coworkers set up the party. No one else was around so he assumed they rented out the entire place. He laid the cake on the snack table and surveyed the snacks already out; little weenies, chips, candy, popcorn, and cookies. Nothing he could eat. Cas mentally kicked himself for not filling up before he came.

“Hey, Castiel!”

Cas looked over and saw Garth waving at him with a smile but this time he stood alone. The thought of pretending to not hear him and look back at the table flashed through his mind. He knew he couldn’t do that because he wasn’t that rude. Cas forced a smile and walked over.


	5. Chapter 5

“You know Dean, I’ve always wanted to get drinks at Harvelle’s Roadhouse.”

It was the first thing Zachariah said when he slipped into the passenger seat of Dean’s Impala. Dean’s offer to get drinks at the Roadhouse was surprisingly easy because apparently his boss had always wanted to. When he offered yesterday evening before he left the office, Zachariah immediately accepted, his usual car salesman smile that made him uneasy on his lips. Dean quickly sent the _‘We’re coming’_ text to Charlie before he looked over at Zachariah and tried not to balk at the obnoxious yellow and dark blue Hawaiian shirt he wore. He did a double take as his boss shut the passenger door because _who wore that to a bar?_ Dean didn’t mention it and started driving to the Roadhouse.

“And you know, they never tell you this, but going to the same high-end bars loses its fun very quickly. I’ve had enough lobster bisque and Rosita’s Riff to last me a lifetime but Marcy,”

“Marcy’s in finance, right?” Dean interrupted as he turned down the stereo.

“Yes, she’s the CFO of Kindred Hospital so I come with her to many of her work functions and it just gets boring after a while. I’m glad I finally get to go to a bar and drink a beer for once.”

Dean nodded. He wondered what it was like to be annoyed with attending high-end bars and eating lobster.

“And wow, your car is incredible.” Zachariah praised as he rubbed his hands down his side of the dashboard then slapped them down on the leather seat. Dean tried not to flinch. He didn’t need anyone rough handling Baby. “I wanna get a motorcycle, you know, a Harley. But Marcy almost lost her mind when I told her.” He chuckled. “ Women, you know.”

Dean didn’t acknowledge the comment. “You should get it. You work hard and I’m sure Marcy will get over it eventually if you wear a helmet.”

“As if that’ll work.” Zachariah laughed.

Zachariah carried the conversation by himself as they drove to the Roadhouse, Dean only having to nod or hum here and there. When they pulled up the Roadhouse’s parking lot was already half full and he made sure to park on the other side of the lot where fewer cars were parked because he never trusted that some idiot wouldn’t accidentally hit his car.

“This place doesn’t have lobster but their pool table is pretty awesome.” Dean said as he turned off the ignition then slid out of the car, locking it before walking over to his boss. “You play?”

“I haven’t in ages but I’ll have to get in one game. Are you good?”

“Well, I did rack in a hundred bucks and a guy’s watch last time,” Dean immediately regretted disclosing that information to him. Zachariah was his _boss_ and he didn’t need to know what he did in his free time, especially when it meant taking bets on games of pool and winning watches. “But I, uh, I let the guy keep his watch.”

They walked into the Roadhouse just in time before Zachariah could reply. It was pitch black for a moment until the lights flashed on and their coworkers sprung up from various places and yelled, “Surprise!”

Dean turned to look at Zachariah and he was so genuinely excited and happy, something he hadn’t seen since the company was awarded the third best small publisher in San Diego about four months ago. He watched as Marcy came up and embraced her husband with a kiss and a hug.

“Happy birthday,” She greeted with a smile. “Were you surprised?”

“Yes! This is incredible,” Zachariah’s grin kept in place. It kind of was. The whole place was decorated with balloons of different colors and shapes while a ‘Happy Birthday’ banner hung above the snack table. “Was this your idea?”

“Actually, it was your coworkers. Dean just emailed me about it a few days ago. And Dean, how are you?” Marcy moved away from her husband and pulled Dean into a tight embrace. Dean remembered that she had always been a hugger. “I haven’t seen you in so long. You look great.”

Dean let go and gave a chuckle, eyes crinkling. “Well thanks, Marcy. But I sure don’t look as good as you tonight.” In fact, he noticed that she was well overdressed for the Roadhouse with her navy full skirt cocktail dress, curled blonde hair and red lipstick. “I’ve been doing alright. You know, same old stuff and now we’re working with Ruby Cassidy.”

“I’ve heard she’s something else.” Marcy nodded. “Zachariah has plenty of stories.”

“Don’t get me started on that woman.” Zachariah shook his head but began a story about an interaction between him and Ruby nonetheless.

Dean glanced around the bar and saw many familiar faces and a few that he’d never seen before, which had to be Zachariah’s friends, talking, drinking, and munching on snacks and he quickly noticed Garth in a corner nursing a beer and talking to Castiel. Garth’s new conquest to befriend the guy had started a month ago when he invited the whole office to see _Mad Max: Fury Road_ the day after it came out. He knocked on everyone’s door and personally asked them but Castiel declined. Garth didn’t give Dean a reason why Castiel decided not to come and although a few people declined as well, Garth seemed pretty bent outta shape about the fact that Castiel declined an invitation to hang out with coworkers again.

It wasn’t a work function, just coworkers getting together with no strings attached. A few days after Dean kept noticing him trying to talk to the raven-haired man and even if Garth didn’t explicitly state his reasoning for talking to him, Dean knew it had to be because he wanted to befriend the guy. At the moment as he looked over at them, Castiel was more than an arm length away and seemed not interested in the conversation at all. He felt sorry for Garth. Dean excused himself from the conversation then walked over to the mini DJ station that Charlie set up.

“Hey man, what’s up?” Charlie waved then took off her headphones and draped them around her neck. “You enjoying the music?”

“Yeah, it’s great. I’m guessing you like being the DJ.” Dean smirked.

He noticed Charlie’s laptop’s screen displayed the party’s playlist which had enough songs for them to have the party last well into the night and the next morning.

“Hell yeah. I loving doing this sort of thing and I did slip in some AC/DC and Led Zeppelin for you.”

“God, you’re awesome.” Dean smiled. He looked over at Garth, still talking to Castiel, then back at Charlie. “Looks like Garth is already on his mission tonight.”

Charlie peered over her equipment to get a better look then back at Dean. “You know him. He just wants everybody to feel included. It’s part of his DNA or something and I guess it includes the hermits of the bunch too.”

“The guy doesn’t look like he wants to be talked to.”

Charlie chuckled. “Poor guy. At least he’s trying, right? You might have to pull him away at some point.”

“I hope it doesn’t get to that.” Dean laughed. “I’m gonna get a drink, you want anything?”

“Nah, I’m good just playing my music. Thanks, though!”

Dean gave her a nod and Charlie returned it with a small salute as he headed to the bar. He ordered a beer, tapping his knuckles on the counter with the sound of the music as he waited and surveyed the party. It had just begun but people were already having a good time and Dean hadn’t expected anything less considering most of them were friends. Him, Jody, Donna, Garth and Kevin all saw _Mad Max: Fury Road_ a day after it released and went to Hodad’s afterwards. Although Donna kept talking about the feminist ideas of the movie, Dean just really loved the action but after a while of discussing the plot and themes, he started to agree with some of them. Dean liked hanging out with his coworkers, they were good people, except Marv, so he wasn’t quite sure why Castiel seemed to have such an aversion to meeting them.

“Here’s your beer.”

Dean snapped out of his thoughts at the sound of the beer hitting the wood counter. He thanked the bartender, grabbed his drink, and headed out into the party. Dean talked to almost everyone, weaving through the groups of people with a beer in hand and a plate of snacks in the other.

“Isn’t that your third plate?” He was in the middle of a conversation with Donna and Jody when he heard the familiar voice.

Dean turned around and grinned. “Ellen, I didn’t know you were coming in tonight.”

“Of course I’m coming in tonight. Have I ever missed a day of work?”

Ellen’s drawl made Dean smile. “No ma’am, not to my knowledge.” Jody and Donna nodded besides Dean. He immediately felt terrible for not introducing the two. He grabbed Donna’s shoulder and squeezed. “And this is Donna and Jody, two of my coworkers.”

“Pleasure to meet ya.” Donna said then engulfed Ellen into a hug which caught her off guard for a moment before she returned it. Jody said hello with a nod as she kept her place next to Dean.

“It’s nice to meet you girls as well. I’m gonna steal Dean for a moment if that’s alright.”

Donna and Jody nodded and Ellen pulled him away out of hearing distance from the majority of the party.

“Anything wrong?”

“You know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anybody order water at the bar before. Is he alright?”

Dean followed Ellen’s gaze and it fell on Castiel. He sat at the bar alone with a glass of water in front of him. He must have found a way to get out of Garth’s conversation.

“I don’t know, don’t really talk to him.”

Ellen pulled her eyes away from Castiel then looked at Dean, brows knitted together. “What do you mean, you don’t talk to him. I’ve seen you talk to practically everyone here.”

“Yeah, but I don’t know him. He’s-,”

“Well today’s your lucky day then. Go on, go talk to him.” Ellen ushered him off but he stayed. “Look, I don’t care if you’re best friends or complete strangers. He’s the only one that’s alone at this party so I swear to everything you love Dean Winchester if you don’t talk to him then-,”

“Ellen, I’m not a kid anymore and Garth has that covered.” Dean looked around the party and saw Garth talking to Charlie by her table, seeming happy as ever. He didn’t even look interested in getting back into a conversation with Castiel. The one time the guy should be with Castiel, he wasn’t. Unbelievable. He grimaced then turned his attention back to Ellen.

“Dean,” Maybe it was her cutting tone or her harsh glare because Dean quickly straightened up and walked to the bar.

“You know you can order a drink. Zachariah won’t mind.” Dean began then turned to the bartender. “I’ll have a beer, thanks.”

“I don’t drink.” Castiel replied then sipped his water.

“There’s soda.”

“I don’t drink soda either. I’m fine with my water.”

Castiel barely looked at him and he wondered what the guy’s problem was. The party wasn’t that bad. He was pulled out of his thoughts once the beer was put in front of him.

“Thanks, man.” Dean put out some cash then grabbed his drink and looked over at Castiel, still nursing his water. “Well, I’ll see you around.”

Dean didn’t stay to see if Castiel returned the goodbye. Twenty minutes and two candles that spelled out ‘63’ on the sheet cake later, Becky gathered everyone up to sing ‘Happy Birthday’. Dean helped pass out cake afterwards then found a seat next to Jody. All in all it was a good night, especially since he grabbed a second slice as people began shuffling out around 9:30.

“Hey, enjoying the cake?”

Dean turned his head and saw Charlie coming in from behind then took a seat next to him. He smirked. “It’s awesome. I don’t need you making fun of me.”

“I’m not, dude. I’m glad somebody’s eating it. Becky keeps telling people to take some home.”

“Count me in.” Dean said, taking another bite of cake then looked over at Donna. She just finished her first. “You gonna take any home?”

“Oh no,” Donna shook her head. “I just figured out a way to curb my appetite without putting salt on everything.” She smiled after the words. “But thanks, though.”

Dean stayed to help with most of the cleanup, Becky kept telling him how impressed she was with his attention to detail as he swept the floors, and once he cut a couple slices to take home, he left the bar. The parking lot was mostly clear now, most people left before cleanup had even started so as Dean walked to his Impala, confusion washed over him when he spotted Castiel crouched next to a car. Dean took a quick second to decide if he was going to go over to the other, they didn’t know each other and Castiel made it clear that he didn’t want to talk to anyone, but if Ellen figured out that he left Castiel when he was in need, he would never hear the end of it.

He cleared his throat as he walked up, boots hitting the gravel. “Are you alright?”

Dean smirked when he watched Castiel jump then turn to face him, the orange glow of the street lamp was the only thing that illuminated the area and made his wrinkles on his forehead that were usually fine and easily missed, much more defined. He watched as Castiel stood up and moved his hands down to his lower back, rubbing the area for a moment then let his arms fall to his sides.

“Someone slashed my tires.” Castiel’s voice sounded drained and tired. If Dean was in his place, he would be livid. “But only three of them.”

“Sounds like a couple’a jackasses to me.” Dean said as he inspected the damage. The tires were already deflated and the perpetrators, most likely kids, poked holes in them as if to make sure the tires would be unuseable. “But a Lincoln barely stood the chance. A pretty thing like this is never around here. Seems like they were jealous.” He eyed the silver car with admiration before he glanced up at Castiel and the other was far from amused. “Do you have anybody to pick you up?”

Castiel checked his watch. “Not at this hour.”

Dean surveyed Castiel again and he almost felt sorry for the guy, as sorry as he could be for someone that seemed to be distant and cold most of the time, then sighed. “I could drive you home.”

“Dean-,”

“It’s on my way anyway.” Dean shrugged.

Castiel seemed to contemplate the offer. “Fine.” Dean nodded once then led the way to his car, Castiel picking up speed to walk besides him. “Thank you, Dean.”

“Anything for a coworker.” He unlocked his car and slid in, shutting the door. Dean started the ignition and Robert Plant’s voice filled the interior. “Hope you like Led Zeppelin and sorry, no seat belts.”

Castiel nodded as Dean sped out of the parking lot. The car ride was comfortable and Dean didn’t feel the need to fill up every moment with conversation like when he was with Zachariah. It didn’t take a genius to realize that Castiel was the type that enjoyed silence. As the third Led Zeppelin song came to a close, this time it was Immigrant Song, Dean looked over at Castiel.

“Do you like Led Zeppelin?”

“They’re fine,” Castiel began then continued to elaborate. Dean must have made a face at the statement. _They’re fine?!_ “I prefer..,” He licked his lips slowly as if looking for the right words. “..calmer music.”

“Calmer music? Like what?”

“Bob Dylan but mostly his few first albums, though I’d listen to anything folk or classical.” Castiel hummed and Dean turned down the stereo. “You can still play your music. I don’t mind. My brother, Gabriel, enjoys classic rock as well.”

Dean hadn’t met anyone that talked like a dictionary as much as Castiel. “I didn’t peg you to have a sibling.”

Castiel’s eyebrows knitted in confusion then his mouth moved into a flat line as he looked out the window. “I have ten other siblings. My parents..,” He glanced over back to Dean. “My parents are very good Catholics.”

“Wow, and I thought it was bad with just Sammy and me.” Dean shook his head. “He’s my little brother. He’s about as tall as a horse or something so a lot of people think he's the older one.”

“That must be frustrating.” Castiel hummed with a soft smile. “But I only keep in contact with two of my siblings so it's much more.. manageable.”

“I was gonna say normal.” Dean teased. He turned into Castiel’s neighborhood then cleared his throat. “Do you know what you’re gonna do with your car?”

“I’ll most likely call a tow truck tomorrow to get it driven to the nearest mechanic so they can mount new tires.”

“You know whatever mechanic you go to will charge you, not just for the mounting, but for the tire disposal, valve stems and alignment which will probably cost you around four hundred dollars, not including the price of the actual tires.” Dean explained as he drove into Castiel’s driveway and parked.

“Why are you telling me all of this?” Castiel turned to look at Dean, his head slightly cocked to the side.

“I do mechanic work on the side sometimes. I used to work at my uncle Bobby’s mechanic shop, started at sixteen, before I moved out here so I could mount your tires and all for free.”

“Dean, I couldn’t let you do all of that for free.” Castiel began. “But thank you.”

“Really, it’s no problem at all.”

“Again, thank you but I couldn’t not pay you. The money isn’t really an issue and I couldn’t let you waste your Sunday fixing my car.”

Dean watched as Castiel put his right hand on the door handle as if he was ready to exit the car, and the conversation, as soon as possible. His eyes flashed back to Castiel’s face. “Alright man, whatever you wanna do. Hope everything goes smoothly.”

“I hope so too.” Castiel smiled softly. “Thank you again for the car ride. I’ll see you on Monday.”

With that, Castiel opened his door and slid out. Dean gave his coworker a small wave and watched him fiddle with his keys before he opened the front door and closed it behind himself. He helped the guy as much as he could, he reasoned as he backed out of the driveway. If Ellen gave him crap for not helping Castiel more, well, it seemed like a damn-if-you-do, damn-if-you-don’t situation. At least he tried, right? Ellen would have to give him that. Dean sighed and drove the rest of the way home.


	6. Chapter 6

Balthazar was Castiel’s first boyfriend. Hell, he was Castiel’s first _anything_. Up until he was twenty-one, Castiel had been perpetually single. "Perpetually single" was a harsh phrase when his older sister, Hester, used it at their family's 4th of July barbecue way back when to describe Castiel’s relationship status to a handful of relatives. It was embarrassing and his relatives agreeable chuckles and nods didn’t help the situation or his view of them either. Relatives still worried as to why he hadn’t had his first relationship, he was expected to marry soon and start a family after all, and it was draining even all the way at UChicago.

The University of Chicago was where he met Balthazar. He was an English Language and Literature student while Balthazar studied Economics. They met during finals week in the library around two-thirty in the morning. Maybe it was because he was sleep deprived but he remembered Balthazar telling the funniest joke that made him laugh so hard. He remembered that he smiled one of his gummy smiles, the one that his siblings usually made fun of him for because Balthazar commented on it. He said it was cute.

They began dating a month later. It was so exhilarating for Castiel because he had never felt something like it before. The feeling of butterflies in his stomach while his heart felt like it was about to beat out of his chest whenever he saw Balthazar. All the kisses, hugs, and touches were so much and when they had sex for the first time, Castiel felt so alive. The years of Catholic indoctrination and guilt didn't fog his love for Balthazar at all. He knew what his religion and family thought of his life so he kept it a secret until he was twenty-six.

Castiel moved to California with Balthazar when the other got accepted into UC San Diego law school. He got a job at Goldenwoods a few months later and everything was good until Christmas rolled around. He received a call from Hester that the family wanted to visit because they still hadn't since Castiel always made sure that he was the one who went back to Pontiac for holidays. 

Dread filled his thoughts after the call because their apartment was small and shitty and he still hadn't told anyone in his family about Balthazar. He was understanding, like always, and Castiel felt like he couldn't thank him enough for letting him keep their relationship a secret for so long. After a week of discussion, Balthazar talked him into letting his family visit. Castiel called Hester and told her they could but had to stay at a hotel since their apartment couldn't fit everyone. He cleaned until his family arrived because everything had to be perfect and no matter how much Balthazar tried to calm his mind, it didn't work.

"It'll be fine, Cassie, and if they have a problem with us then fuck them. We've gone long enough without them, haven't we?"

"Yes, but-," Castiel replied as he sat on the couch.

"Then we'll be fine. It's 2000 and almost 2001, the world is changing."

Before Castiel could roll his eyes, he felt Balthazar's lips crash into his. He fell onto his back and let Balthazar run his hands wherever he wanted to. It was the best way to end a conversation.

Castiel's family visit could have been worse. They arrived two days before Christmas and when there was a knock on the door he couldn't help but tell Balthazar to stay in the living room as if he didn't already know. His family didn't say anything about Balthazar when they saw him once Castiel led the way into the room. They didn't say anything when Castiel introduced him as his partner and they kept their mouth shut about it for four days while they visited. It wasn't until they had a family dinner on their final night, without Balthazar, that their criticisms began. It started with the apartment because it was too small and old then his job because it didn't make sense that he couldn't get a job in New York City with one of the top publishers and finally Balthazar.

While the Novak's weren't the kind to yell or throw petty insults, they made sure every word counted. Their voices were low and cold and Castiel never forgot his mother's glare. Castiel blocked the rest of the dinner and visit out. He still remembered fragments like the sarcasm, the use of 'fag' and 'queer', and the numbness he felt afterward. Castiel spared Balthazar the details as he told him about the dinner when he got home and just told him that he probably wouldn't hear from his family anytime soon. Balthazar didn't press and tried to distract him for a few weeks after the incident. Castiel appreciated that the most because he never wanted to dwell on it.

It was three months after the dinner when Castiel received the call. He had just finished work and was walking to his car when he heard his phone ringing in his pocket. His brows knitted in confusion when he saw his younger sister's name when he finally checked his phone.

"Anna?" Castiel slid into his car and set his messenger bag on the passenger seat. There were only a few cars still in the parking lot since he was usually one of the last to leave.

 _"Hello, Castiel."_ Silence filled the air then. While Anna was the youngest Novak, Castiel had always gotten along with his sister despite the six-year age gap. _"I'm so sorry."_

Castiel knew he should have said something. He assumed that Anna just went along with what their family said at the time because she didn't want to be thrown under the bus. While it seemed selfish on the surface, she was only twenty and still had their parents help pay for college. Castiel understood, especially since she never joined in their family's criticisms.

_"I should have done something or, at least, said something. You didn't.. you didn't deserve any of it. It was so wrong and disgusting, especially what Michael said, and I wish I could do something more than call you from my dorm room. But Castiel I love you regardless if you're attracted to women or men or whatever, you know? If you love Balthazar then I'll love him too. I want you to know that I love you so much because you're so special to me and so incredible. I don't want you to think that I want to stop talking just because of them. You're my big brother and I don't want to lose you."_

Castiel broke down a moment later. He didn't mean to but the last few months had been difficult. Although he and Balthazar lived in California, the homophobic remarks never completely stopped. He had never been as strong as Balthazar when it came to the stares and comments from strangers and coupled with the incident with his family he hadn't been in good shape in a while. Anna just let him cry and after five minutes, Castiel took a deep breath then sighed as he tried to compose himself. He cleared his throat and sniffed.

"Anna," Castiel began. "I don't want to lose you either. These last few months have been hard and I worried I'd never talk to you again. I assume you didn't speak up because-,"

 _"Because they're paying for my college, yeah."_ Anna interrupted and if Castiel could see her, he knew that she probably ran a hand through her red hair as she spoke. _"Which is, like, a terrible excuse."_

"But it's reasonable. I understand, Anna."

It was silent for a moment as they both collected their thoughts.

_"Why have these last few months been hard?"_

"It's not that easy to be gay right now." Castiel chuckled though his voice was bitter. "Our society isn't very accepting of people like me. Have you heard what some of these politicians say? It's absolutely disgusting."

_"Yeah but California is super progressive, right? One of my friends is from there and said they have centers for gay people. I could never see one in Pontiac or Champaign. Doesn't that count for anything?"_

"I want to be treated like a person," Castiel remarked. He sighed and ran a hand down his face. "I miss you. How is everyone?"

_"Fine. Gabriel will probably call in a few days. He's on vacation with Kali in Paris. He's wanted to apologize for a while now but he's never been that great with words."_

Castiel smiled. "No, he isn't."

Their older brother had always been the clown of the family so he was usually seen trying to liven up any situation rather than delve into anything serious. He and emotion were like water and oil. Castiel remembered the many times that he tried to talk to Gabriel about serious matters and always being brushed off or given a ridiculous joke instead.

_"I love you, Castiel."_

"I love you too," Castiel replied then started the ignition. "Can I call you tomorrow? Isn't it almost eleven there?"

_"Yes and yes. I still have some reading I have for my literature class sadly."_

"Is it that bad?" Castiel smirked. Anna was studying environmental engineering and hated the liberal arts. She always had Castiel help with papers growing up.

 _"Yes."_ Anna sighed. _"Can I email you a paper I'm working on?"_

"Of course. I'll call you tomorrow, okay?"

_"Okay. I'll talk to you tomorrow."_

"Goodbye, Anna." Castiel ended the call and headed home.

Castiel heard from Gabriel a week later. They talked for an hour catching up and planned to get together sometime in the summer so Anna could fly out as well. Slowly but surely, Castiel's life improved again and in 2004, he and Balthazar traveled to Massachusetts to get married. It had been a spur of the moment thing. Although their marriage wasn't recognized in California for another four years, it was the thought that counted. Emmi was born the same year that same-sex marriage first became legal in California and Castiel felt so full and happy during those years. He and Balthazar bought their first home, adopted Callie, and Castiel became the editor in chief at Goldenwoods.

While his life felt completely perfect, he kept noticing his body changing as the year progressed. It started with soreness in his shoulders and arms then his lower back and legs until he could barely move once December came. Castiel finally found a rheumatologist after a handful of failed attempts with other specialists. He barely blinked when he was diagnosed with fibromyalgia because it was incurable. Castiel was just glad that he knew what it was. Balthazar wasn't quite as thankful because Castiel could still barely help with Emmi or chores around the house and work wasn't even in the question. At least his boss let him take leave. 

There was still no touching or sex and finally Balthazar had hired Meg Masters, a woman with a degree in child development, to watch Emmi while he was at work. Castiel formed a friendship with her during the year he tried multiple treatments to help his pain despite the fact she nicknamed him Clarence. None of it mattered because, after two years of dealing with the chronic illness, Balthazar filed for divorce.

Maybe it was the lack of sex, the fact that Castiel could barely accomplish anything besides lie in bed or his cutting remarks toward Balthazar. The Novaks always had a way with words. Castiel moved out while Emmi stayed with Balthazar despite being biologically his. He missed seeing her big blue eyes every day. Their relationship improved after several months although Castiel still hated that he was abandoned during a time when he needed Balthazar the most.

***

"Are you alright?"

Castiel turned to Balthazar once he was pulled out of his thoughts. They were still at the Harvelle’s Roadhouse parking lot. The tow truck arrived and they were just fixing out a few kinks before his car was driven to a nearby mechanic. Ellen, the owner of the bar, walked out of the establishment and came over to them ten minutes after they arrived and apologized.

"Yes, I'm fine." Castiel hummed.

"Who drove you home, hun?" Ellen asked.

"Dean," Castiel answered as he looked over at the older woman. "He's one of my coworkers."

"I don't think I've met Dean," Balthazar said as he turned away from the truck driver.

"I didn't think you'd need to."

"Daddy," Castiel glanced down at Emmi. She had been holding his hand since they arrived. "I'm hungry."

"I can fix her up something quick." Ellen offered. She crouched down to Emmi's eye level. "Do you like chicken nuggets, honey?"

Emmi nodded enthusiastically. Castiel would have let her eat lunch here because it would be one less thing to do that day and he was still so drained from the night before.

"Thank you but we'll be leaving shortly," Balthazar smiled over at Ellen.

"Maybe some other time," Castiel tried to smooth over Balthazar's remark. "Emmi loves chicken nuggets."

"Yeah and Papa never lets me eat them," Emmi informed. "They're my favorite, though."

"Well, the next time you and your daddy come you can get a whole plate full." Ellen stood up to look at Castiel. "They'll be on the house."

"You don't have to do that."

"Of course, I don't have to but my place is the reason you're in this mess. It's the least I can do."

"That's very nice of you," Castiel replied. "We'll have to come back soon."

"Are you ready?" Balthazar called from his car.

Castiel turned to Balthazar and nodded then looked back at Ellen. "Thank you for the free meal."

"It's nothing really," Ellen smiled. "I'll see you two soon."

Castiel nodded while Emmi waved at her before walking over to Balthazar. The mechanic wasn't that much better with the smell of tires and oil and Emmi's constant whine for lunch. Castiel didn't understand why they couldn't just let Emmi eat lunch at Harvelle's Roadhouse. At least, he got to sit for an hour despite the fact that the plastic chairs weren't the most comfortable. Three new tires and eight hundred dollars later, they were on their way back to Castiel's.

"You could have been nicer to her." Castiel began as he watched Balthazar in the kitchen preparing lunch. "She was being kind."

"I was very nice to her. I just didn't want Emmi eating chicken nuggets."

Castiel rolled his eyes. While he ate clean because of his fibromyalgia, Balthazar preferred Emmi to eat as healthy as possible. But to Castiel, a chicken nugget lunch once in a while wouldn't hurt.

"How do you feel?"

"Tired." Castiel sighed from the couch. "I didn't sleep well last night so I don't feel very well."

"Do you think you're coming down with something? Maybe you should stay home for a few days." Balthazar replied over his shoulder as he washed his hands. "The chicken will be done in twenty minutes."

"I took off two weeks ago. It'll get better by tomorrow, most likely. Thank you for cooking.”

It became a bit of a tradition that Balthazar would come over and cook for the three of them whenever Castiel was having a particularly bad day. Although neither of them explicitly talked about it, the tradition just sort of happened. Castiel enjoyed it. He liked the three of them spending time as a family together, mostly for Emmi’s sake, and the fact that cooking could be put on the backburner for a few days thanks to all the food Balthazar would cook.

“It’s no problem,” Balthazar said as he walked into the living room and grabbed the television remote then turned on the TV. “What have you been watching?”

“I’m on the fifth season of _The X-Files_ at the moment.”

Balthazar nodded as he went to his Netflix then to what he was currently watching. As usual, it was a mesh of dramas, sci-fi, and superhero shows with a science or nature documentary every now and again. He and Balthazar had almost the exact opposite taste in television because he was the one that liked reality tv and comedy, something he never got into unless it had his particular humor.

“Do you wanna watch an episode?” Balthazar asked as he flipped to the show and clicked it, the TV already processing the new episode.

“Of course,” Castiel said as he got comfortable on the couch while Balthazar did as well.

He dropped the remote beside them and it was the only thing that separated the two. Castiel never minded Balthazar’s need to be close. It was who he was. They only watched half of the episode before the oven timer went off and Balthazar headed into the kitchen.

“Do you need any help?” Castiel asked as he paused the episode.

“No, just call Emmi.”

Castiel nodded and stood up before heading to Emmi’s room because it was much simpler than calling her from the living room. He knocked on her door then opened it to see her reading one of her _Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle_ books. She had been obsessed with the series since the last book fair at school. The series almost took an entire shelf on her white bookshelf in the far corner of her room.

“Sweetie, lunch is ready,” Castiel hummed. Dolls, jewelry, and other toys were strewn across her light green room. “You’ll have to clean your room before you leave. We’ve talked about cleaning up after yourself.”

“I know. I’ll do it, I’ll do it,” Emmi sighed softly as she closed the book then stood up to follow Castiel out into the living room. She sighed again, more dramatically. “It’s just so boring!”

Castiel chuckled at her dramatics as they walked into the kitchen. The lunch was pleasant with baked chicken, roasted potatoes, and salad and Emmi and Balthazar stayed for another hour while Emmi cleaned her room before they left. Castiel walked into his bedroom after closing the front door and dressed into sweats and a t-shirt then took out his yoga mat in his closet. He turned the third bedroom of the house into his office and personal yoga studio a few years ago when still didn’t know what else to with it besides put his desk and a couple stack of unopened boxes into it.

He laid out his yoga mat then opened Spotify on his laptop and clicked to his mediation playlist to start it. Castiel sighed as the calm and whimsical Mozart [piece](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HmkVBf01XhQ) began playing while he walked back to his mat and stretched for a few moments then crisscrossed his legs. He took a deep breath, placed both hands palms up on his knees and closed his eyes then focused on the music. Song after song passed, all classical with an array of emotion, until he finally felt relaxed and calm again. Castiel opened his eyes slowly and breathed out, ready to face the rest of his day.

***

  
It was only Wednesday when Zachariah called Dean into his office. He was sure that it would be Ruby-related because it always seemed to be these past couple weeks. The phrase: ‘I want this to be perfect!’ in her voice kept repeating in his head as he worked throughout the day. Dean knocked on Mr. Phelps door then opened it to see him typing on his computer.

“You called me in?”

“Ah yes, hi Dean,” Zachariah turned from his computer and smiled. Dean tried not to stare at the smile but man, it was creepy. He was pulled out of his stare when he heard _Castiel_. Dean’s eyes flicked up to Mr. Phelps eyes and he cleared his throat. “Pardon? Can you repeat that, please?”

“Yes, I need you to deliver these to Mr. Novak.” Zachariah repeated as he held the stack of files in his hands. “You’ll be delivering files to him more frequently for some time, so I hope that won’t be a problem.”

“No, not at all,” Dean said as he took the files. “Is he okay?”

“Mostly,” Zachariah chuckled and immediately stopped when he noticed Dean’s confusion. “You’re doing me a huge favor by doing this.”

“Well, it’s no problem. Anything for a coworker, right?” Dean smiled.

Dean left work around six, an hour earlier than usual. He turned up the stereo as he drove and parked in Castiel’s driveway when he arrived at the man’s home. Dean turned off the ignition and grabbed the files before heading to Castiel’s front door. He knocked twice and waited, surprised that it took shorter than usual for Castiel to open the door. While he noticed Castiel in sweatpants and a worn t-shirt just like last time, he looked in much better shape.

“Hello, Dean.” Castiel greeted with a soft smile. “Come in.”

Dean nodded and quickly recognized The Beatles [song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bgiQD56eWDk) that played through the air. The sweet melody was one of his and Sam’s favorite’s growing up.

“This is one of my favorite Beatles songs,” Dean hummed. “I thought you only liked folk?”

“I also enjoy the classics as well. But really, who doesn’t like The Beatles?” Castiel smirked.

“No kidding,” Dean nodded. “So I’m guessing your car is good as new?”

“Yes, it took around eight hundred dollars but it’s fine now.”

Dean whistled at the number and shook his head. “Don’t know why you couldn’t let me do it for free, man.”

“You know why,” Castiel remarked but his smile stayed. Dean noticed him eyeing the files so he quickly handed them over. “Thank you for delivering these to me. I’m assuming Zachariah told you the arrangement.”

“Yeah, yeah, he did. Is everything okay?” Dean asked. He hadn’t yet noticed anything off about Castiel. No cane or nothing. Maybe it was family but he still hadn’t seen anything noting that the guy had a family.

“Yes, everything is mostly fine. This won’t be forever, trust me.”

While Dean nodded, he had no clue as to what Castiel meant. Of course, he and Zachariah had to be as vague as possible. “I guess I’ll see you soon then?”

“Of course, you will.”

Castiel walked Dean out then and stood by the door frame as he watched the other walk to his car. He returned Dean’s wave then watched as he slid into his car and drove off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> But really, Here Comes The Sun is so sweet.


	7. Chapter 7

After a month and a half of delivering Castiel's work files to him, Dean had categorized his moods into three groups: great, decent, and terrible. He also learned to never expect a certain mood whenever he went.

While Castiel was usually in a decent mood when Dean came over, it was always a toss up to know when Castiel's mood would shift to either great or terrible. Castiel occasionally let Dean come in when he was in a decent mood. When he did they would talk for a few minutes and Castiel usually ended the conversation unless Dean didn't end it first.

After a couple visits, he picked up a few similarities about Castiel when he wasn't in the best of moods. Dean realized that the other would pay more attention to his body, mostly his lower back and hands, and less on the conversation. When he seemed too distracted by something, Dean would cut off the conversation and Castiel never seemed to mind.

Although Dean had only seen Castiel in a terrible mood less than a handful of times, it was rarely pleasant. Castiel almost always had bedhead and sweatpants on and his voice always seemed tired and irritable when he would instruct him to put the files on the table.

While Dean could feel the heavy tension in the air, he was glad that they barely spoke those days. He would walk himself out and hope that Castiel would be in a better mood next time around.

But man, Dean loved when Castiel was in a great mood because it meant music and complaining about Ruby. The music was typically classical or Bob Dylan and the complaints usually didn't last long because he assumed Castiel wasn't the type to badmouth anyone so outrightly. Dean liked venting to someone other than Sam. After a while, he realized Castiel wasn't as bad as he thought.

Dean arrived at Castiel's a little after six that Friday. He started to notice that Castiel's mood was worse later in the evening so he made it a prerogative to leave work early on the days when he delivered his files. Dean grabbed the files and headed to the front door, knocking twice and waiting.

"Hello Dean," When Dean turned from the view of the street to Castiel's voice, he was grateful to see the other in good shape and even in slacks and button down. "Come in."

Dean nodded once as he walked into the home and walked over to the coffee table to set the files down. "How you doin', man?"

"I'm fine," Castiel replied then walked over to the kitchen table and grabbed a file. He sat down as he opened it before his eyes flashed up to Dean. "I finished a conference call with Ruby and Zachariah a few minutes before you arrived and we discussed the direction of where the marketing will go with the book."

"Yeah, and?" Dean asked as he walked over to the table. He sat down and glanced at the file Castiel opened, a couple of templates that were already approved in it. He tried to keep the irritation in his voice to a minimum as he watched Castiel spread them out. "These were already approved. Does she have a problem with them now?"

"Ruby believes these are too harsh and wants a new color palette. While I know that isn't your department, it still affects what you and your team send out. Also, she explained that she wants this book to hit a younger audience." Castiel continued and ran a hand through his hair, effectively disheveling it in the process. "So, although the use of the mainstream media will be effective, social media will be important too. That being said, blogs will be a good place to start and will probably let the book get a life of its own online."

"This is new-adult fiction, then?"

"Yes, and Ruby wants the ending age to be around the mid-thirties. I'm really sorry to put all of this on you but full-force marketing is still months away. This is all just things to keep in mind."

Dean nodded slowly then sighed. "Nah, it's fine. She's been on my ass every day. I know part of my job is encouraging them but wow," he shook his head. "She's something else," Castiel smirked at the words but didn't comment. "How was the call?"

"It was fine," Castiel hummed as he put the templates back into the file before closing it. "Zachariah was his usual self and Ruby wants me to come into the office next week to work together."

"Conference calls aren't enough?"

"Apparently not," Castiel sighed and began flexing his hands. Dean's eyes flashed immediately to them then looked back up at his eyes. "It could be worse."

"I guess I'll see you next week then," Dean replied as he stood up. Castiel nodded as he stood up and followed the other to the door. Once he stepped onto the doorstep, he turned around to face Castiel. "So, I won't be delivering to you at all next week?"

"No, most likely not. I'll probably be in the office all week." Castiel answered. "I'll see you soon."

"Alright, man, see you soon," Dean nodded before turning on his heel and walking to his Impala.

 

***

Sometimes Dean doesn't know where he'd be without Sam. His younger brother had been with him through all of the shit their father put them through during their upbringing and was there for him after his death.

Although his father put him through hell, Dean still felt empty and of course, John Winchester, the guy that drank himself in whiskey more times than he could count and rode Harley's without a helmet, had to die because of a heart attack.

No one was around when it happened and their pseudo-uncle, Bobby Singer, found him a couple hours later when he hadn't answered his phone.

Apparently his body had a purplish-red discoloration to it when Bobby found him and Dean didn't even know that was possible. He wondered what it was like for the man that always cleaned up their dad's mess to finally do it one last time.

Sam was the one that encouraged him to move to San Diego after he graduated with a marketing degree from KU. While Dean thought he'd always stay in Lawrence for his father's sake, he was glad that Sam pushed him enough to take the plunge.

His brother was the only one that really knew how unhappy he was and Bobby even understood. There was just too many bad memories and Dean craved a fresh start.

He spent weekend nights at Sam's for a few months after he moved into town. Dean had a hard time adjusting and making friends for a while until he landed the job at Goldenwoods. Now, though, the weekend nights at Sam's had become a tradition even if they now included Jess.

"You know, Ruby sounds like kind of a bitch,"

Sam looked over his shoulder at Jess with a smirk as he paid the pizza delivery boy. He grabbed the two large pizza boxes, thanked the boy, and closed the door before walking over to the counter.

"I get that it's her book but she doesn't have the right to treat you like a dog on a very short chain." Jess shrugged, just as their corgi, Nugget, trotted over to the kitchen. She bent down to pet the dog then walked over to grab three plates.

When the two adopted the dog he already had the name and Jess wanted to change it but Sam loved it.

_"It's amusing and we shouldn't confuse him, he's already four years old!"_

While Jess shook her head, she let it go. Sam had been begging for a dog for years so if he wanted to keep the ridiculous name then so be it.

"It wouldn't be so bad if she wasn't breathing down my neck," Dean replied as he opened one of the boxes and put a couple of slices on his plate. He headed into the living room and sat down on the couch. "But it's the weekend and the last thing I wanna do is think about work."

The three of them sat in the living room that evening watching movie after movie, mostly sci-fi, and action, and Dean was in the kitchen grabbing another beer and slice when Jess glanced over from the couch at him.

"Are you coming with us tomorrow for yoga?"

Dean's brows knitted together in confusion as he looked at Jess then to Sam, a smirk on his lips. "What? Why the hell would I do that?"

"Sam said you'd go if I went and I don't work tomorrow so," Jess shrugged. "Unless you're too prideful to do some advance stretching with us."

"Well, as much fun as that sounds. I think I'm good." Dean yawned as walked back to the couch with his plate and a beer in hand. He fell back into his spot and looked over at the two as he opened the drink. "I'm sure you guys will have fun without me. Tomorrow, I'm just gonna relax."

"What if we make a bet?" Sam offered then turned to see what the time was on his phone. 10:28PM. "If you don't fall asleep during the next movie, then you don't have to go."

"What's the next movie?"

"I was thinking _Captain America: The Winter Solider_ ," Sam informed as he clicked through the movie selections on his iTunes account. He looked at Dean as he pressed the movie title. "Deal?"

"Yeah, deal. This is one of my favorite movies."

Dean woke up to the feeling of a wet tongue licking his fingers and saw Nugget right in his face next to the couch. The dog stopped and looked at him, happy as ever.

"Son of a bitch," Dean rolled over to his back and wiped the dog slobber off on his jeans. He rubbed his other hand over his face then grabbed his phone in his jean pocket. 8:23AM. He didn't remember the last time he was up so early on a Saturday. "Sam!"

Sam walked down the hall and into the living room then, already in a white sleeveless shirt and lounge capris with what had to be yoga mat bag strapped to his shoulder.

"Mornin', man." Sam couldn't hide his grin and Dean rolled his eyes. "I've got some clothes laying out on the counter and an extra yoga mat for you."

"Sam, I'm not going to yoga."

"So, do the bets only pertain to me now? You really that scared of doing yoga with me?" Sam teased.

Dean stared at Sam for a moment but when his younger brother's gaze didn't waver, he groaned and put his head in his hands. "Fine, fine." He looked up at Sam again. "But just this once!"

"Alright, we're leaving in fifteen."

"Bitch!" Dean called as he stood up and Sam walked into the kitchen.

"Jerk!"

***

Pilgrimage of the Heart.

Dean couldn't believe this. He was about to go into a place called _Pilgrimage of the Heart_ and do yoga. Apparently Jess had been called into work last minute so it was just him and Sam. He prayed to Whatever that no one from work would be in the class to see him make an ass out of himself. As he followed Sam into the building, signing the two of them in and walking down a hallway, Dean had to admit that it was nice- calm music and the smell of incense in the air.

What he wasn't expecting, though, once Sam led them into a large white studio, was to see Castiel. Dean's stomach dropped and he thought he was going to be sick. That was his one rule, at least, the one rule he made up in his head while walking into the place, and it was out the window.

"Sam, I-,"

"Hey, Castiel!" Sam waved, totally ignoring Dean's plea.

Castiel was halfway across the room and Dean watched as he stopped stretching, effectively bending down and touching the ground with his hands, and stood up. He watched as Castiel smiled at Sam, his eyes flashing to him after and he seemed just as surprised.

"Hey, how are you doing today?" Sam asked as they walked over to Castiel.

"I'm well," Castiel hummed as Sam pulled his mat out."Hello, Dean."

"You guys know each other?" Sam looked between the two for a second before keeping his eyes on Dean.

"Uh, yeah. We're coworkers."

"Wow, that's crazy," Sam laughed softly. "Small world, huh?"

"Yeah, yeah. Something like that."

The wall in front of them was one giant mirror because apparently it was good to see the postures that you were making, at least, that was what the instructor told them at the beginning of class. Dean hadn't seen anyone as flexible as Castiel and he tried not to stare at him in the mirror, really, he did, but from the dolphin pose to standing split then to something called "wide-legged forward bend", his mind was blown.

Dean could barely touch his toes when he bent down and as giant as Sam was, he was pretty impressed with his brother. As the class winded down, Dean concluded that the mirror was a bad idea.

Although it didn't seem that Castiel noticed his staring, he could still do without the temptation. The class ended with the corpse pose and as Dean laid on his back, a thought popped into his head: Castiel was _hot_ and he didn't know how he hadn't seen it before. He had been delivering the guy's work for five years prior and he never even saw it until Castiel showed that he was way, way, too flexible.

_Fuck._

As Dean rolled his yoga mat up, he couldn't get the thought out of his mind. Maybe Castiel wasn't hot and maybe he was thinking this because he was horny and it had been a while since he had sex.

But once he stood up and looked over at Castiel, he noticed how blue his eyes were and how sharp his jawline was. As Dean's eyes traveled down Castiel, he noticed other features like his toned biceps and his lean stomach that rivaled his chubby midsection. Maybe Sam was right and maybe he should start exercising more.

"Dean, you there?" he was pulled out of his thoughts and looked over at his brother. "We were just thinking of going to lunch. Do you wanna come with?"

"Uh, yeah. Sure." Dean nodded then grabbed his yoga bag and slung it over his arm. As Castiel walked past him, his thoughts immediately raced back.

Dean had always known he was bisexual although he hadn't come out to anyone, especially when he and Sam lived with John because he knew their father would have been livid if he even expected such a thing. Sam tore him down one night until he admitted it.

Sam was accepting, of course, and wanted to talk about it more because he loved heart-to-heart conversations but Dean couldn't take it. He left Sam's apartment and it hadn't come up again. It was just a thing that was understood and apparently Bobby had always known too.

_"What do you think I'm stupid? I heard you and that neighborhood boy, James, in the back of the garage a handful of times. Besides, no one needs their car checked that often."_

Although Bobby told Dean who he loved wasn't his business and he'd love him regardless, the thought of him having an idea of what he did with James in the garage mortified him.

"Alright, we're ready."

Dean snapped back to reality and confusion hit him again once his eyes fell on the small girl next to Castiel. He took in her long soft blond curls and blue eyes and before he could process it, Sam and Castiel were already heading out of the studio. As they walked to the restaurant, Sam informed him that they were going to one of his favorite lunch spots, he noticed Castiel walking beside him.

"I didn't know you practiced yoga," Castiel stated.

Dean turned to Castiel and his eyes flashed to the little girl beside him, her hand in his, then back to the other. "Uh, no. I don't. Sam kinda made me come."

"This was my first time doing yoga too," The little girl began, her voice high and bright, unlike Castiel's. "It was kids yoga but daddy told me that I have to start with that if I want to do all the cool poses he does. Are you going to come back?"

"I don't really know," Dean shrugged, keeping his voice light. He watched as Castiel looked at his daughter with so much love and joy, something he'd didn't expect from the man. "Do you think you'll come back?"

"Oh yes," Emmi nodded, enthusiastically. "I have ballet on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Sundays but daddy said I can do both. My name's Emmi, what's yours?"

Emmi wouldn't leave Dean's side during lunch, effectively sitting in the chair next to him at their table outside, and asking him question after question about himself. While Dean's experience with kids was limited to Ben and raising Sam when they were younger, Emmi wasn't half bad. She told him about her favorite class, science, favorite food, chicken nuggets, and favorite scientist, Rosalind Franklin.

Castiel and Sam seemed content on staying in the background and having their own conversation instead until the dessert debate began.

"Cake, in no way, is better than pie. You must be joking." Dean said as he took another bite of his sandwich.

"Cake is so much better because pie has too much crust. Also, cake has icing." Emmi rebutted. "Why would I want fruit in my dessert?"

“It's about the experience,” Dean stressed then looked over at Sam, seeing his brother smirk then shook his head. He smiled softly then turned to Emmi again. “Cake must be your favorite dessert then.”

“No, my favorite are chocolate chip cookies. My daddy almost always makes them for me when I stay with him. He doesn't eat them, though, because it hurts his stomach. But they're really good so you should try them.”

“I'll have to keep that in mind.” Dean nodded. “That's very nice of your dad, you know."

“Oh yeah, I know. He's the best.” Emmi smiled and Castiel switched his attention her, a smile on his lips. She looked over at him for a moment then back to Dean. “Do you wanna hear a joke he taught me?”

“Sure, hit me.”

Emmi had already started giggling and smiled as she began. “Why was the bee’s hair sticky?”

“Why?”

“He used a honeycomb!” Emmi laughed.

Dean shook his head with an amused smile and when he glanced over at Castiel, he saw that he was stifling a laugh. While his lips were sealed tightly together, his nose was scrunched up. Dean chuckled. "Your dad's pretty funny."

"Emmi, you need to finish eating," Castiel cut in as his smile drifted. "We need to get going soon."

Dean watched as Emmi nodded and went back to her lunch while Castiel ran a hand through her hair and kissed her temple. Emmi took a bite of one of her sweet potato fries as Castiel whispered something into her hair, making her giggle.

While the moment between him and his daughter was simple and sweet, Dean shifted his eyes and went back to his own lunch. Although he hadn't spent much time with Castiel, he realized that his perceptions of him had been so wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed the chapter and comments are always greatly appreciated!


	8. Chapter 8

 

Castiel hadn't always enjoyed cooking. In fact, before he was diagnosed, he couldn't make toast without burning it or boil water without wondering if he was going to set the house on fire.

He let Balthazar cook when they were together because Balthazar liked it and he always had new recipes for them to try. While Castiel gained seventeen pounds one year when Balthazar kept purchasing baking and Italian cookbooks, it was worth it because the homemade ravioli with five kinds of cheese and the stracciatella tortoni cake were two of the best foods he'd ever had.

After several months of practice and lifestyle changes, once he was diagnosed, he felt comfortable in the kitchen. He liked the sound of cracking eggs and knives slicing through meat or vegetables on his cutting boards. Castiel enjoyed trying new recipes and even started baking Emmi homemade chocolate chip cookies when she came over since he rarely had sweets in the house.

The process of measuring the ingredients and mixing the flour, sugar, and butter became cathartic and took his mind off of all the stresses in his daily life. Although it helped him distress, the look of pure happiness on Emmi's face when she ate them was the main reason he kept baking batches.

"What are you cooking again, Clarence?"

"Roasted chicken, lemon herb quinoa, and steamed carrots," Castiel replied as he checked on the chicken in the oven.

While Castiel enjoyed cooking, it didn't mean that he hadn't gotten a bit lazy on the originality. It was either fish or chicken paired with vegetables because it was easy and with his pain fluctuating so much ever since Ruby Cassidy showed up in his life, he needed something simple that he knew he could cook most days.

Castiel turned away from the oven and glanced over to Meg and Emmi in the living room. Emmi had started taking an interest in crafts, so he took her to the closest craft store so she could choose a couple crafts to do.

When she chose to make bracelets, Castiel never considered the various colors and letters of beads and yarn that would inevitably show up around the house. Although it wasn't as bad as the time he let her craft with glitter, stepping on a small bead accidently was never enjoyable.

Currently, she and Meg sat next to the coffee table as they created friendship bracelets. The good thing about having a babysitter that was also your best friend was that he never minded if Meg stayed over if Emmi still wanted to spend time with her when he came home from work. Underneath her hard exterior Meg had a soft spot for kids, she was getting in the middle of attaining her master’s degree in early childhood development, but she never kept it a secret that Emmi was her favorite.

"Always so healthy. You treat me well, Clarence." Meg hummed as Castiel walked into the living room. She looked over at Emmi, who was in the middle of making her fourth bracelet for her. A pile of blue and purple beads sat next to the three other bracelets she made. "Have you ever considered creating an Etsy shop to sell your bracelets? Soon enough you could move out with all of the money you’d earn."

Castiel smirked as he sat on the couch and picked up the bracelets Emmi made for Meg. The first had pink beads with Meg's name, the next had hearts with pink and blue beads, and the last had 'besties' with green and yellow beads. He set the bracelets down and watched the two.

"I like living with daddy plus I can't move out, I'm not a grown up," Emmi replied as she kept her attention on her bracelet, carefully sliding one bead after another through the green yarn.

"Oh, right." Meg nodded with a soft smile. "How could I forget? You should make him one. I can give you a few ideas."

There was a knock on the door and Castiel stood up. "I could only imagine what those ideas would be."

"Clarence, you need to get your mind out of the gutter," Meg called as Castiel opened the door.

When Castiel saw that it was Dean, he smiled. Dean stood on the front doorstep with a stack of files in his hands in his nice, crisp suit like always. He was just glad that it wasn't the Jehovah's Witnesses again. They had been door-to-door preaching all week.

"Hello, Dean," Castiel greeted. He stepped to the side and let the other in. Once Dean started walking over to the living room, he saw that the coffee table was already full and stopped and turned to Castiel. “I can take those. You can-”

“Dean!” Emmi dropped the bracelet she was currently working on and ran over to the man, hugging him at the waist. She looked up at him with a smile. “Do you wanna friendship bracelet? I have so many colors!” She took his arm and tried pulling him into the direction of the coffee table.

Castiel took Emmi’s hand off of Dean’s arm and gave her a stern look. “Emmi, you have to wait for Dean’s answer. You mustn’t pull on him,” He turned to Dean as he took the files out of his hands. “I’m sorry about that.”

“No, no. It’s fine. Uh, a friendship bracelet sounds cool.” Dean said as he flashed his eyes away from Castiel to Emmi and smiled down at her. “Show me the way.”

“There’s so many colors!” Emmi stressed again as she sat down in front of the coffee table. She patted on the floor beside her and looked up at Dean. “You can sit here.”

Dean’s eyes flickered from Emmi to the couch behind her because he wasn’t about to sit on the floor and immediately took in the woman on the other side of the couch. While she looked at him with a smirk and focused eyes, Dean’s brows knitted in confusion for a half of a second before he decided to sit down.

“What color yarn do you want?” Emmi asked as she pointed to the various colors. “And how do you spell your name?”

“So, you’re Dean.” Dean tore his eyes away from Emmi as he watched her assemble the bracelet and turned to the woman. She looked right at him with unwavering eyes and after a moment, her lip quirked up in a smirk. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

Something about the woman made Dean squirm. Maybe it was her velvety smooth voice that made it seem like she knew too much or the smirk that already seemed like a constant fixture on her lips.

“I think it’s too early to put Dean through the grinder, Meg. He just arrived.” Castiel hummed as he walked back into the living room, seemingly unaffected by her words. He sat on the couch adjacent to the other and turned to Dean. “Would you want to stay for dinner? It’ll ready in a few minutes.”

“I couldn’t impose like that, man.” Dean began.

“Your bracelet isn’t done yet so you can’t go!” Emmi stressed as she looked at Dean, half-made bracelet in her hand. “You’re not gonna go, are you?”

Dean’s eyes flicked between Emmi then to Castiel. “What are you having?”

“Roasted chicken, lemon herb quinoa, and steamed carrots,” Castiel said and quickly continued once he saw Dean seemed slightly disappointed at the options. “But there’s still some chocolate chips cookies left. I baked them last week.”

Just then the doorbell rang and Meg stood up, walking over to the door. “I’ll get it. Don’t worry.”

“Yeah, that sounds great,” Dean replied. “I haven’t had chicken a while.”

“Hello, Balthazar. Come in, you’re just in time for dinner.”

“I thought you were picking Emmi up around seven?” Castiel asked, immediately tearing his eyes from Dean to Balthazar as he stood up. He walked over to the entryway next to Meg. “Dinner’s almost ready and-,” When the oven’s timer dinged just then, Castiel took a deep breath. The situation was getting to be too much and his anxiety and stress were starting to kick in. He wasn’t even sure if there was enough food for five people. “But you can stay for dinner. I’m sure they’ll be enough for all of us.”

“I loved to stay for dinner,” Balthazar began as he watched Castiel walk into the kitchen to tend to the meal with Meg following behind for extra help. “I finished work early today. Can you believe it? I don’t think that has happened in years.”

“It has been a long time,” Castiel agreed, absentmindedly from the kitchen as he took out the chicken from the oven.

Meg began putting food in big dishes to carry out to the dining room. Castiel silently thanked her with a grateful look and Meg squeezed his shoulder before looking into the living room. “One of you need to help with the drinks and the other with the plates and silverware. We’re not doing all of the work.”

“Come on, dinner’s ready,” Dean leaned down towards Emmi as she sat on the floor next to the coffee table. She set the bracelet down and stood up to follow him into the dining room. “What do you want to drink?”

As Emmi led the way to the kitchen, Balthazar put his arm out in front of Dean, effectively stopping him as Emmi kept walking. “And you are?”

Dean eyed the arm for a moment before looking up at the older man and quickly taking in his English accent and golden complexion that almost made it obvious that he spent too much time in the sun. He cleared his throat and began, “I’m Dean, one of Castiel’s coworkers. I deliver his work files to him.”

“Ah, Dean.” Balthazar nodded slowly. He laughed softly as he continued. “Castiel mentioned you a few times. What is it like to be the delivery boy for the company?”

The comment threw Dean through a loop and a sarcastic remark was on the tip of his tongue until Balthazar cut the tension with a laugh and a clap on his shoulder, Dean returned the chuckle. “And you are?”

“Right, right. I’m Balthazar. Castiel’s ex-husband.” Balthazar started. He glanced over at Castiel and watched as Meg helped him grab a bowl in the bottom cabinet then turned back to Dean. “Pardon, I should go help. Castiel always has a hard time going all the way down.”

Dean was sure that his eyes bulged out of his head as Balthazar chuckled then winked at him before walking into the kitchen. He tried to compose himself as he watched Balthazar weave around Meg to Castiel. Dean let his eyes fixate on Castiel as the other rubbed his lower back and realized he repeated the action quite a few times whenever he saw him. Dean guessed that maybe it was one of the reasons why he hadn’t been at work as much.

Since he was pushing forty, Dean noticed that his body wasn't the same as it used to be, especially whenever one of the younger employees wanted to go out for drinks. While Dean understood that he his body was aging and it fucking sucked, he was glad that his every now and again pain didn't seem as bad as Castiel’s. He shoved the thought away and went into the kitchen to get the silverware and plates for dinner.

Relief ran through Castiel as he watched everyone make their plates for dinner and saw that there was enough food for everyone, even if someone wanted seconds.

As they all settled into their seats and started eating, his happiness dissipated when he felt the tension form around them. Castiel wasn’t sure what caused it since Balthazar and Meg weren’t the types to shy from strangers but neither of them had said a word once they sat down. Balthazar hadn’t told one sexual innuendo and Meg hadn’t even chewed Dean out yet with sarcastic remarks. Castiel glanced over at Dean and he seemed relatively comfortable as he ate.

“This is some of the best chicken I’ve had.” Dean praised as he turned his attention to Castiel then pointed his fork at the quinoa. “And this is so good. Sam sometimes cooks it but it’s always so bland. You’ll have to tell him how to make it.”

Castiel felt pride swell up inside his chest at the praise. While Meg usually complimented his cooking on occasion, it had relatively lost its meaning since she was his best friend and practically family.

“Cassie has become quite the cook,” Balthazar agreed from beside him and Castiel suddenly felt Balthazar’s hand on his thigh. A hot spark shot through his body at the touch and he swallowed slowly as he glanced over at the other. Balthazar gave him a cheeky smile and continued. “It hasn't been long since he could barely make toast. Do you remember the time when you set the smoke alarm off when you tried to cook me breakfast for my twenty-fifth birthday?"

Castiel felt his cheeks warm up as Balthazar recounted the memory. Of course he remembered that morning because it was embarrassing as hell and since he burnt most of the food, they decided to go out for breakfast instead.

At least Balthazar was a good sport about it and told the story at parties for a few weeks because apparently it was so hilarious and too cute not to. Castiel hadn’t heard Balthazar mention the memory in years.

“How could I forget?” Castiel’s eyes stayed on Balthazar and took in the smile on the other’s lips. He felt a tingling sensation grow in his stomach because Balthazar’s smile was so inviting and warm but his thoughts were pulled away from the feeling once he heard someone clearing their throat.

“Well, he’s just freaking fantastic now,” Dean replied as he cut into his chicken. He gave Balthazar a toothy smirk before going back to his dinner.

“Anyway,” Meg started as she grabbed her wine glass. “How are you, Emmi?”

When Emmi began her long-winded answer about her new interest in a book that she picked at the library at school, everyone went back to their dinner. Balthazar and Meg helped with the after dinner cleanup and when Dean tried to help, Castiel just shooed him out of the kitchen with chocolate chip cookies and milk for him and Emmi. As he rinsed dishes and filled the dishwasher, Castiel looked into the living room at Dean and Emmi.

They were both sitting at the coffee table with their food and drinks, smiling and laughing and although he didn’t know what about, the scene was nice. He never pictured Dean as the child type, if all the stories Sam told him were true, and Emmi wasn’t the type to enjoy anyone’s company either. Castiel watched as Emmi threw her head back in laughter as Dean took another bite of his cookie and he smiled at the scene.

“Emmi, darling, get your shoes and duffle bag, we’re leaving soon,” Balthazar called into the living room behind Castiel.

“Okay, papa!”

Castiel watched as Emmi took one last swig of her milk, said something to Dean, then headed down the hallway to retrieve her bag. He rinsed one last cup and set it into the dishwasher then shut it, feeling Balthazar touch his shoulder for a fleeting moment as the other walked around him and out of the kitchen.

They said their goodbyes ten minutes later, Emmi hugging everyone and lingering on Castiel until she kissed his cheek and let go.

Balthazar laid his hand on Castiel’s arm once he stood up from the hug. “This was such a nice dinner, Cassie. I hope we can do it again sometime.”

Castiel felt the warm tingles from dinner wash over him again at Balthazar’s words and nodded slowly, feeling a smile form on his lips. “I’m sure we’ll do this again very soon.”

Balthazar kept his hand on Castiel for a few more seconds until he let it fall and looked down at Emmi. “Let's go, darling. You do have school tomorrow.”

Castiel followed to the door and waved as he watched them pack the call. When he closed the door and turned around, he saw Meg and Dean standing next to each other more than an arm’s length away as if they were each other’s kryptonite.

“Guess I should get going to,” Dean began as he stepped closer to Castiel. “Thanks for the dinner, man, and those cookies were so good. You’ll have to show me how to make them along with the quinoa. Balthazar seems like a cool guy, I mean, for an ex and all,”

Castiel smirked. “I’ll make sure to tell him that. I’m glad you enjoyed dinner, I’ll write down the recipes and give them to you as soon as I can.”

“Alright, cool,” Dean smiled then patted him on the shoulder. “I’ll see you soon.”

Castiel showed Dean out and waved at him before he slipped into his Impala then shut the door and immediately noticed Meg’s smirk. She shook her head as the smile stuck. “Oh, Clarence.”

Castiel’s brows knitted in confusion. “What?”

 

***

Castiel used to love sleeping and it was never because he needed some way to cope with everyday life, rather he enjoyed the ritual of it all. Before he was diagnosed, he always took a shower two hours before bed, moisturized with coconut oil, read a chapter or two of the book he was on then went to bed.

Now, though, he just tried to do some of it and hoped that he would get enough sleep and not wake up with incredible back pain. His hope never really changed anything.

It was how Castiel ended up still awake at a two-thirty in the morning, unbelievably tired but awake and too stiff to find a comfortable position to even try to sleep. He finally decided to turn on his television and flipped through channels until he found the 2002 _Spider-Man_. Castiel knew that the lack of quality sleep affected his mood. He had never been a morning person, even before getting diagnosed, and hated to be around anyone or talk to anyone for at least two hours while he got adjusted to the new day.

If the sleep was incredibly terrible, it took him around four hours. It worked, especially since barely anyone at work talked to him anyway except for Ruby and they hated each other anyway so he never had to be too polite. Sometimes he caught himself snapping at Emmi if she asked a simple question or accidently messed something up when he was too tired and always immediately felt guilty about it.

When Meg asked him about trying to date again, he laughed because no one would want to date a sleep deprived grump with chronic pain and a daughter. Meg never brought it up again.

Castiel checked his phone while Mary-Jane admitted to Peter that she has a crush on Spider-Man and swiped through his apps until he saw the red alert on his messages. He pressed the app and saw that it was from Balthazar.

 _8:04 PM, June 22_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Balthazar Hyland_  
_\--Cassie, I forgot to tell you during dinner, but I have a gift certificate to True Food Kitchen, something one of my coworkers gave me for my birthday, and I haven’t used it yet. Would you want to go this weekend? I’m a bit bored with cooking._

Castiel grinned at the last comment then yawned as he considered it. Balthazar was right and he didn’t even remember the last time he went out to dinner.

 _2:36 AM, June 23_  
_To: Balthazar Hyland_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--I’d love that. I haven’t been there in years and I’ll have to see what Meg’s plans are._

Castiel set his phone down on his nightstand and turned off the television, hoping that his exhaustion would beat out his pain so he could finally sleep. He pulled the comforter up to his chest and tried to find a comfortable position then stopped when he heard his phone beep. Castiel grabbed it and saw that it was Balthazar.

 _2:38 AM, June 23_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Balthazar Hyland_  
_\--You’re up early this morning. Are you waiting for the sunrise?_

Castiel rolled his eyes as he smiled at the message.

 _2:39 AM, June 23_  
_To: Balthazar Hyland_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--I haven’t been able to sleep all night because of pain, but I’m very tired now. I’ll talk to you later in the day, so we can plan that dinner._

 _2:41 AM, June 23_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Balthazar Hyland_  
_\--I’ll be waiting to hear from you. Sleep well, Cassie._

 _2:42AM, June 23_  
_To: Balthazar Hyland_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--Goodnight, Balthazar._

 

***

Working alongside Ruby was significantly worse than working from home for Castiel. While he would receive Ruby’s harsh criticisms, demands, and sarcasm from either location, at least when he was home, he wouldn’t have to be in her presence for it. He sat at his desk with his eyes focused on Ruby as he paced around his office.

“Look, I gave your marketing team a simple idea and they came up with some crap about food?”

“Well, the title of your book is called _Olive & Wine_,” Castiel replied and watched the woman stop pacing and looked over at him, an annoyed expression on her face. He sighed softly as he ran a hand through his hair. “I'll talk to them about it and explain any food marketing is out of the question.”

Ruby smiled at Castiel then headed to the door, heels clicking on the hardwood floor. “Thank you and I hope marketing doesn’t fuck it up a second time.”

Castiel watched as she slipped out the door and listened to her heels get farther away from the door before he put his head in his hands and groaned. Had he mentioned that this was going to be the slowest six months of his life?

When his stomach growled a few hours later, he glanced up at the clock on the wall and saw that it was his lunch break. Castiel sighed in relief, saved his progress, and headed to the lunch room. When he arrived, it was packed as usual and he was thankful that he had just packed a salad so he wouldn’t have to wait in line to use the microwave.

He grabbed his container from the refrigerator, picked up one of the plastic forks on the table next to it and began walking to the door.

“Hey, man,” Castiel turned to see Dean smiling at him from the same table with Garth and the redhead. “Come sit with us.”

The idea raced through his mind as he considered it because it would mean that he would have to socialize with Garth and the redhead, Castiel realized a few weeks ago that really needed to learn her name, but Dean was pleasant. He always enjoyed their time together. Castiel walked over to the table and sat down.

“Hello, Dean.” Castiel began then turned to Garth and Charlie. “Garth, and..,”

“Charlie,” She smiled, looked at Dean for a moment then back to Castiel. “It’s nice to meet you!” Castiel nodded as he opened up his container and started eating. “So, how do you and Dean know each other?”

Castiel covered his mouth with his hand as he finished his bite then cleared his throat. “He delivers work files to me whenever I’m out of the office.”

“Oh, I didn’t know that,” Charlie’s eyes flickered to Dean again as the smile stayed then back to Castiel. “Are you in the marketing department too?”

“No, I’m in the editorial department.”

“Are you one of the copy editors?”

“No, I’m the editor in chief,” Castiel watched as Charlie’s eyes widened while Garth almost choked on his sandwich. His brows knitted together. “Is anything wrong?”

“Oh my god, dude. I mean, sir? I didn’t know you were so high up. You and Zachariah are equals, then? You’re like, the second boss.”

“Somewhat, I suppose.”

“Are you going bowling with us this Saturday night? It’ll be about five of us.” Garth explained. “It’ll be really fun,”

“You totally should. It’s gonna be the dudes against the ladies and we’re totally gonna kick your asses.” Charlie ended as she looked between Garth and Dean.

“I’m not very-,”

“Come on, man. It’ll be fun. I’m sure we’ll need all the help we can get.” Dean agreed and while Castiel couldn’t help but feel pressure from the group, if Dean was going to be there then it wouldn’t be that bad. When he agreed, Dean smiled widely and turned to Charlie. “Right on! You’re gonna eat your words this Saturday.”

“Bring it, Winchester!”

 

***

Castiel was surprised that he was still feeling halfway decent when Friday night came. He stood in his bathroom as he fixed his hair once more before heading into his closet to get his oxfords. He hadn’t been to True Food Kitchen in so long and he hoped that his button down and dark jeans would be nice enough. Castiel’s phone vibrated in his back pocket just then and he grabbed it as he walked into the living room.

 _7:06 PM, June 26_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Balthazar Hyland_  
_\--I’m here, Cassie. I hope you’re not still checking your hair because I’m sure it looks fabulous and our reservation is at 7:30._

 _7:08 PM, June 26_  
_To: Balthazar Hyland_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--You’re an ass. I’m coming._

 _7:09 PM, June 26_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Balthazar Hyland_  
_\--Well, don’t take too long._

Castiel smirked at the message as he slid his shoes on. He slipped his phone back into his pocket, grabbed his wallet and keys and headed out the door.

“You look nice,” Balthazar said as Castiel slid into the car.

“Well, I haven’t been out to eat in ages and I thought I would dress nicely for the short rib I plan on ordering. We haven’t seen each other in quite some time.”

“Always with the jokes,” Balthazar hummed. “You should save that for later. I’ve always loved a dinner and a show.”

The restaurant was just like how Castiel remembered it. It was spacious, modern, and airy and his stomach growled as the hostess walked them to their table. He fell into his chair once they arrived at their table and thanked the hostess as she gave them their menus.

“I haven’t been here in years,” Castiel hummed as opened his menu. “I hope the short rib is just as good as I remember it.”

“We used to always go here, why did you stop?” Balthazar asked as he looked up from his menu.

Castiel shrugged. “I’m not sure but I’m glad I’m back.”

Castiel’s spirits were high as the night progressed because the food was delicious and the conversation was easy. While he knew he should have thought better, the whole night made him remember their marriage and he knew he should have crushed the thought the moment it popped into his head but he didn’t.

He let it slip into his mind and let himself believe that they were back there, during the good years with no chronic pain, and it was so good. He was happy.

“You should wear that shirt more often, Cassie, the color really brings out the blue in your eyes. I almost forgot how beautiful they were.” Balthazar smiled.

Their hands sat inches away from the table, so when their hands finally touched and Balthazar easily intertwined their fingers, Castiel let the butterflies in his stomach fly through his body. He nodded at the words. “I'll have to wear it more, then.”

“Good, I can’t wait to see it again soon,” Balthazar squeezed Castiel’s hand then called for the check.

 

***

The car ride back to Castiel’s home was peaceful with the radio playing softly in the background and Balthazar’s hand on Castiel’s thigh. He hadn’t even made an attempt to move it and when Balthazar drove into his driveway, he couldn’t help but be slightly upset.

“Tonight was nice, wasn’t it?” Balthazar said as he turned off the ignition and turned to Castiel.

“It was. I enjoyed myself and the short rib was as delicious as I remembered.” Castiel chuckled.

“We’ll have to do it again sometime.”

Silence fell between the two and the only sound was the soft melody of Neil Young in the background. Castiel watched as Balthazar started to lean in as he eyes closed and the whole moment seemed to transition into slow motion.

While Castiel felt his stomach flip because holy shit, holy shit, holy shit, he hadn’t kissed someone in so long, he swiftly let the panic fade because it was Balthazar. Castiel knew him, knew everything about him from his opinions and morals down to his deepest desires, so when their lips finally touched, he felt comforted. Castiel felt like he was back home.

Castiel's heart fluttered once Balthazar broke the kiss and he could practically feel the wide, goofy smile that played on his lips. He felt ridiculous and when Balthazar laughed, Castiel joined in and it lasted a few moments until Balthazar put his hand back on Castiel’s thigh.

“I’ll text you soon, okay? I’m happy we did this.”

“Mhm,” Castiel nodded and the wide smile never seemed like it was going to leave. “I’m so happy, too. Thank you for tonight.”

Castiel slipped out of Balthazar’s car and headed to the house. As he unlocked the front door and walked into the foyer, his phone in his back pocket vibrated. When Castiel grabbed it, he was surprised to see an email from Dean. He swiped right and tapped a few buttons to pull up the email.

 **_Bowling_ **  
**_Fri 6/26/2015 9:49 PM_ **  
**_Winchester, Dean_ **  
**_To: Novak, Castiel_ **

_Hey, Cas, I was thinking about tomorrow night and I think it would be better if I picked you up so you wouldn’t have to drive your car because it’s kinda in a sketchy part of town. Don’t want the tire situation to happen twice, you know? Anyway, text me whenever if you want._

_Ps. hope it’s cool if I call you Cas?? Castiel is kinda a mouthful_

_Have a good night, man_

Dean’s number was at the bottom of the email and Castiel added it to his contacts as he walked through the front hallway. He read the message again and chuckled at the nickname because so many people through the years told him the same thing and gave him various nicknames from Mr. C to Cassie, but no one had called him Cas. He liked it.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains mentions of vomiting through the second half, so if you hate vomiting, you've been warned!

As Dean drove through Castiel’s neighborhood to pick him up that Saturday night, he heard his phone beep in his pocket and immediately checked it when he parked in the driveway. The text message was from Charlie.

 _7:16 PM, June 27_  
_To: Dean Winchester_  
_From: Charlie Bradbury_  
_\--Hey, all the ladies (and Chuck and Garth) are here and we’re ready to kick your butt. Get here soon! We’re getting nachos, fries and drinks!_

A picture was attached to the message and Dean smirked. It was all the girls grouped together as they pulled their best ‘tough guy’ face and he noticed Hannah on the side with a soft smile.

He wasn’t surprised that Charlie invited her since she had just started in the design department a couple weeks ago and Charlie wasn’t shy about making people feel welcomed.

 _7:17 PM, June 27_  
_To: Charlie Bradbury_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\--We’re coming, we’re coming. Just gotta get Cas. We’ll be there soon and get lots of cheese on those nachos, will ya??_

When his text message sent, the small gray bubbles began instantly from Charlie’s end.

 _7:17 PM, June 27_  
_To: Dean Winchester_  
_From: Charlie Bradbury_  
_\--Cas? You mean Castiel?_

Embarrassment washed over Dean for a split second because the nickname was new and Charlie always had a knack for picking up little differences like referring Castiel by a nickname. He sighed and replied.

 _7:18 PM, June 27_  
_To: Charlie Bradbury_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\--Yeah. We’ll be there soon_

The gray bubbles began again right after the message sent.

 _7:19 PM, June 27_  
_To: Dean Winchester_  
_From: Charlie Bradbury_  
_\--Got it, captain! ;D_

Dean smiled at the text for a brief moment before going to his contacts to find Castiel’s name. He had to admit that he was bit surprised when Castiel messaged him that morning to inform him that he would be fine with being picked up. Castiel explained that since he didn’t want to risk the situation happening again and spend another eight hundred dollars, he was fine with it. 

When Dean received the text message he was tempted to continue the conversation into something more than a quick friendly exchange. He stopped himself just as he was about to send another message because he had told himself that he wasn’t going to jump the gun.

Besides, all he really knew about Castiel was that he had a daughter, liked folk music, and his body seemed wonky. Dean also knew that Castiel had an ex-husband who seemed like a pompous douche, but he didn’t like to think about that.

 _7:19 PM, June 27_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\--_ _Hey_ _I’m outside._

Dean reread the message twice, once when it was sending and again once it was finally sent, and he concluded that it was good enough. As he shoved the phone back into his pocket and waited for Castiel to come out, he was mentally kicking himself because he couldn’t believe he was already thinking too much about this.

He hadn’t felt like this since Lisa and even then, it wasn’t like this. Like he wanted to jump Castiel’s bones whenever he looked at the guy. But he didn’t like to think about that either. God, he needed to get laid.

Dean’s thoughts were halted when he noticed Castiel come out of the front door. He kept his eyes on him as he headed to the Impala, smiling at him when they locked eyes.

“Hey, man.” Dean began as Castiel slipped into the passenger seat. He tried not to stare at how well his navy Joni Mitchell t-shirt accentuated his toned biceps, broad chest, and flat stomach. He briefly wondered if Castiel’s stomach was just as defined as his biceps or if it was just firm. It didn't really make much of a difference to him. Dumb son of a bitch. “How are you doing?”

“I’m fine. How has your weekend been so far?”

“Actually, it’s funny because-” Dean’s laugh drifted off once he heard a beep from Castiel’s phone.

Dean glanced over at him as he backed out of the driveway and saw that Castiel was engrossed in his phone and whatever the screen showed him. He licked his lips and put his focus back on the road because it was obvious that Castiel’s focus shifted just by the looks of his goofy smile.

“I’m sorry, Dean, what were you saying?” Castiel asked as he turned back to Dean. “I just got a message that made me lose focus.”

“Nah, it’s fine. It was nothing, really.”

“Dean, I’m sure it was something since you wanted to tell me,”

“Well, uh,” Dean cleared his throat and chuckled, his smile coming back. “I told Sam about your quinoa and how good it was, and you gotta know that I don’t like healthy food, like at all, and he was pretty offended. Now he needs the recipe too.”

Dean glanced over at Castiel and saw that he was smiling. “You know if I had known that you’d like it so much, I would have made enough for you to take some home. I still haven’t written down the recipes but I’ll do that.”

Dean nodded. “Cool, cool.”

Dean’s focus shifted to the Queen song that started playing as their conversation drifted off. He created the mixtape for Sam a couple months ago when his brother wanted to hear something other than Kansas and Led Zeppelin in the car.

After the lecture he gave Sam about how there couldn’t be enough Zeppelin or Kansas, ever, because of their great influence on classic rock, he made it anyway. Dean’s ears perked up when he heard Castiel’s low hum beside him.

He looked over and watched as Castiel tapped his fingers on his legs and hummed to the frequent changing rhythm of “Bohemian Rhapsody”, so he reached over to the volume knob and turned it up. Dean wasn’t surprised when Castiel hadn’t started belting out the words after the guitar solo and the beginning of the rapid series of rhythmic and harmonic changes.

“You know,” Dean began as he turned down the volume. “..that the piano Freddie Mercury used to record this song was the same one The Beatles used to record _Hey Jude_ with.”

“No, I didn’t know that.” Castiel replied.“Gabriel used to blare this song in his room while we were growing up and my parents would become so furious with him. I think he played the song so many times that it’s ingrained in my memory forever. I definitely prefer The Beatles, though.” Dean filed that information in his mind for later. He needed to make a mixtape that Castiel would enjoy with all that folksy crap but maybe that would be weird. He’d have to think about it more. “Dean, I think you drove past the bowling alley.”

Dean turned to his right to look past Castiel’s head and out the window and saw the bright neon lights of the bowling alley sign pass as he kept driving. He cursed as he looked back out into the road to find some place to turn around. Dean drove down the dark road for a few minutes, the street lamps becoming less frequent as they went, until he found a patch of the road free of cars at the moment and whipped around into the other lane as fast as he could.

“Sorry about that,” Dean apologized as he looked over at Castiel who was wide eyed as he kept his grip on the small armrest to his right and the leather seat to his left. There wasn’t much to hold onto in the Impala. “You okay?”

“You could have warned me first before you did that.” Castiel straightened up and rubbed his right shoulder as Dean drove into the bowling alley’s parking lot. “But yes, I'm fine. Also, I should let you know that I’m terrible at bowling.”

“How terrible? Terrible as in need of bumpers?” Dean asked as he pulled into a parking spot and turned to Castiel once he cut off the ignition. He saw the guilt on Castiel’s face and smirked then patted him on the shoulder. “Well, we’ll help you out. The guys are nice.”

Castiel nodded, although he still didn’t seem too convinced, and got out of the Impala to follow Dean into the bowling alley. He noticed a couple arguing and yelling profanities at each other as they reached the door and the faint smell of cigarette smoke filled his nose when they walked in. The place reminded Castiel of the bowling alleys Gabriel used to take him to in the eighties.

Dean led the way to the main desk and asked for bowling shoes, gave the man his size and Castiel did the same. As they waited, Castiel peered into the rest of the bowling alley and saw that every lane was filled, so this place had to be a popular spot to come to on the weekends.

Castiel hadn’t even known the place existed until tonight. He and Dean paid for their shoes and Castiel followed Dean through the packed bowling alley as one of Britney Spears’ songs played through the speakers and down six lanes until he spotted the familiar faces.

“Dean, hey!” Charlie greeted as they walked into the lane. “Are you ready to be eliminated?”

While Dean and Charlie exchanged some friendly banter, Castiel took a seat on the plastic chairs to his right.

“Hey, you’re Castiel, right?” Chuck began next to him and put his hand out. “I’m Chuck.”

Castiel returned the handshake for a brief moment with a smile. “You can call me Cas.” He looked over at Garth who was on the other side of Chuck and gave him a small wave. “So, are you two as competitive as Charlie?”

“Oh no,” Chuck laughed. “She gets a little too into these things but it’s all fun.”

Relief washed over Castiel. “Okay, that’s good to hear because I just have to warn you that I’m not very good at bowling.”

“It’s cool, man. We’re not going to judge you.”

The statement was nice in theory for Castiel because being judged by his coworkers by his lack of bowling skills, especially since this was the first time actively hanging out with them, seemed terrible.

But Chuck made the statement before he actually saw him play, so he could always change his mind. Garth and Jody played first, the girls had their own lane, as Castiel stayed in his seat and Dean, with a plastic cup full of beer, took the seat to his left.

They were both pretty good which seemed like a common theme of the group and as he watched most of the pins fall for everyone, he became nervous. Dean played before Castiel and as he pulled the perfect posture, at least Castiel thought it was because it looked correct, he wasn’t at all surprised when the bright neon ball rolled down the lane and hit all of the pins.

A perfect strike on the first go. Of course. Castiel joined the cheers with Chuck and Garth, though, because they were all teammates and Dean was excited. He watched as Dean clapped Donna on the shoulder, which was reciprocated with a playful glare that quickly changed into a smile, as they both went back to their seats.

“Go get ‘em, man.” Dean encouraged as Castiel stood up from his chair and made his way to the front.

Castiel was up against Hannah and as they grabbed their bowling balls she gave him a smile when they made eye contact before they walked to their own lanes. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad because Hannah seemed nice enough and not as competitive as Charlie. Castiel took a deep breath as he held the ball up to his chest as he decided what to do.

After another moment of focusing on the pins, he was sure that would help in some way, he swung the ball. As Castiel watched his ball slightly twist as it went down the lane, he heard the familiar crashing of pins to his left.

He turned to see Hannah celebrating, bright smile and a little dance, and he looked over at the end of the lane to see that she got a strike. He heard the girls cheer as he looked over to his own lane just as his bowling ball fell into the gutter.

Castiel didn’t want to turn around to see the disappointed faces of his team, so he kept his eyes on the rotator for his ball. He briefly looked up at the girls lane once he grabbed his ball and saw that Hannah, or anyone else, wasn’t there.

He assumed that everyone was watching him then, but he didn’t want to glance back to find out. Castiel took less time to find a good posture and swung the ball again. He watched as the ball twisted as it went down the lane and when three pins fell, he smiled widely with pride.

When Castiel turned back around to his team, they didn’t seem as ecstatic but they gave him some claps nonetheless as he walked back to his seat.

“Hey, you didn’t do too bad,” Dean said as Castiel sat next to him.

“Believe it or not, that’s actually good for me.”

Dean nodded with a smirk and turned his attention back to Garth. The game progressed like that for a while and Castiel kept only hitting a few pins each frame, so when it was his seventh time around, he was surprised when Dean stopped him just in time.

“Alright, I’m gonna help you,” Dean started and Castiel sighed. “Hey, I know you can do this. Okay, first. I’ve noticed your posture is a bit off. You need to bend down further and your arm needs to extend like this.”

Castiel watched as Dean showed him how his posture and swing should be and he knew that Dean was probably right but after playing for seven frames already, his energy was draining quickly. “I can’t do that.”

Dean’s brows knitted together for a split second before it dissipated and he tried again. “What do you think you can do?”

The question came as a welcomed surprise since whenever Castiel usually told someone that he couldn’t do something because of his pain and fatigue, he was met with skepticism and eye rolls. Since he looked perfectly healthy and only on the cusp of absolute middle-age, it never made sense to most, especially to the PTA moms at Emmi’s school.

Castiel was sure that some of the moms thought he was a terrible parent since he wasn’t constantly at classroom functions or signing up to be a volunteer for a field trip. He still remembered the time when he tried to inform them about fibromyalgia and all of its complexities that went with it. What a waste of time that was.

“I’ll just keep your suggestions in mind.”

Dean nodded. “Just do what you’re comfortable with.” He turned around then looked back at Castiel. “Donna and I are gonna go to the bar to get some more food. Do you want anything? I could find the healthiest thing on the menu.”

Castiel met Dean’s smirk with his own. “That’ll be fine, but no gluten.”

“Got it.”

Castiel watched briefly as Dean left his side and followed Donna over to the bar then turned his attention back to the lane. His shoulder and arm had started hurting like hell a couple frames back, so he was just thankful that he hadn’t dropped the ball yet. Castiel tried to incorporate Dean’s suggestions in his swing and as he watched it roll down the lane, he hoped that it would help.

Castiel watched as six pins fell and happiness washed through him. A round of cheers began behind him and he turned to see Chuck and Garth clapping and hollering.

It wasn’t that impressive, at all, but after almost a whole game of bad scores, it was time to celebrate the small victory. He bowled another gutter ball after it, but it didn’t break his spirits because it was still the best frame he had bowled all night.

“That was awesome.” Chuck praised as Castiel sat back next to him. “I doubt we’ll win, but who cares. Are you having a good time?”

“Yeah, I am.” Castiel nodded with a smile. “I’m glad I came.”

“The healthiest thing they had was a house salad with ranch dressing. Hope this is fine. Also, I got you some water.” Dean interrupted the short exchange as he and Donna walked into their lanes with a tray of food.

“Thank you, Dean.” Castiel turned away from Chuck and took the salad and bottled water from him.

Since they had no table at the lane area, he sat his plastic container on his thighs and surveyed the salad. It was an average salad at best, iceberg lettuce, cheddar cheese, tomatoes, and shredded carrots, but he couldn’t expect much from a bowling alley. Castiel tore open the plastic utensil set and stabbed into the salad then took a bite. It was good enough.

“How’s your salad?”

Castiel looked over at Dean and saw that he had his own serving of cheese nachos in his lap, but with all of the cheese on them, the chips were hardly visible.

“It’s good. How’s your cheese?” Castiel joked and noticed the small smirk forming on Dean’s lips.

“Very cheesy and very good.”

Castiel finished his salad between frames and was tempted to salvage the rest of the dressing at the bottom of the container with his fork because he was still so hungry, but he resisted the urge.

Although Castiel was the worst bowler out of the eight of them and his arm and shoulder hurt like crazy, he still had a blast because none of them seemed to take themselves too seriously and all of the victory dances, bad bowling puns which were mostly from Chuck, and cheers for both teams eased most of his nerves about being a terrible bowler.

They were on their last frame when Castiel felt like a brick landed sideways in his stomach and he was sure that he had just eaten the salad too quickly since he hadn’t had much to eat during the day.

He shoved the thought out of his mind then grabbed his bottle of water from the floor and took a swig as he watched Dean bowl a perfect strike again. Castiel became so used to the sound of crashing pins whenever Dean bowled that he almost expected to hear it now.

“You’re the last to bowl, so make it count,” Dean told him as he walked back to his seat.

While Castiel knew that the words were supposed to be encouraging, his legs began feeling like lead two frames back and he was positively sure his arm would fall off any moment, so he tried to walk to the lane and rotator as quickly as possible to get the frame over with.

Castiel grabbed his bright red bowling ball and held it in both hands as he walked up to the lane. He wasn't going to drop the ball, he wasn't going to drop the ball, he wasn't going to-

_Thump!_

Damn it, he dropped the ball.

Castiel watched as the bowling ball rolled down the lane and fell into the gutter again. He’d never be good at bowling, especially if he couldn’t consistently hold the ball through the whole game. Castiel laughed softly as he watched the pins being brought up by the machine and sat back down in the same position a few seconds later and considered how ironic the whole night was.

If he didn’t find the humor in it, he would have gotten incredibly upset by the limitations his body gave him.

Castiel’s ears perked up when he heard applause behind him, so he turned around and saw Chuck, Garth, and Dean cheering him on with claps and encouraging words. His eyes focused on Dean, though, when the other whistled.

“C’mon, Cas!”

He watched as Dean gave him a thumbs up and a wide smile that seemed way too big for his face. Castiel laughed then shook his head before getting his ball off of the rotator and as he slid his fingers into the bowling ball, he felt a sharp pang in his stomach. Castiel laid a hand on his abdomen as the discomfort rolled around. He took a deep breath as the pain faded then grabbed the ball and walked over to the start of the lane.

The stomach pain started coming in waves after that. Castiel barely paid attention as he swung the ball and hit four pins, when the girls ultimately won the game, and when they all said their goodbyes at the end of the night.

He recalled one of the guys, he was sure that it was Chuck, tell him that he needed to come out with them more often, but Castiel wasn’t really focusing on anything other than his water bottle. When he finished the bottle and slid into the passenger seat of the Impala, he hoped that the music would take his mind off of his stomach.

As the guitar tune of “Walk This Way” began filtering the car, Castiel almost felt confident that he could get through the ride without needing to die. He just had to level his breathing and not talk too much, but the latter seemed impossible as Dean kept trying to initiate conversation. It wasn’t entirely his fault, they had talked throughout the night, so it was only normal for him to want to continue the conversation as they drove home.

While Castiel took the bait and let Dean start a conversation, his replies were short until a slimy feeling washed over him as another pang stabbed him in the stomach. He stopped replying and as he listened to “Walk This Way” slowly fade away and “Under Pressure” began, he wondered if this was some cruel joke.

Castiel coughed softly into the back of his palm and he knew he needed to get out of the car then.

 _“Pressure pushing down on me_  
_Pressing down on you, no man ask for_  
_Under pressure that burns a building down_  
_Splits a family in two_  
_Puts people on streets”_

“Dean, I need you to pull over.”

Dean glanced over with a grin. “Cas, I can’t just pull-,”

 _“It's the terror of knowing_  
_What this world is about_  
_Watching some good friends_  
_Screaming, "Let me out!"”_

“Unless you want me to throw up in your car, I need you to pull over!”

He was sure that Dean heard the panic in his voice because he immediately pulled over to the side of the road. Castiel swung open the door and ran into the grass, putting his right hand on the tree trunk next to him for support, and hurled.

When he opened his eyes and saw the clearly visible salad staring up at him that he ate only a couple hours ago, another bout came up. He threw up twice more and his body felt incredibly weak afterwards. While the stabbing pain still rolled around, it was faint and he leaned against the tree and ran a hand through his hair.

“Cas, are you-,” Castiel heard Dean’s voice coming up from behind him, his boots crunching the grass beneath his feet. “Shit, Cas. Are you alright?”

Castiel noticeably winced when Dean laid his hand on his shoulder and Dean quickly let his hand fall back to his side. He took a deep breath to steady his twisting stomach and smirked softly. “Why did we think that a salad from a bowling alley would be a good idea?”

“What do you mean, ‘we’? I bought it.”

“And I ate all of it.” Castiel watched as Dean’s eyes wandered up and down his body and he was sure that he looked like shit. He certainly felt like it. “I think I can manage the rest of the car ride.”

“You sure?”

“I promise I won’t throw up in your car, Dean.”

Dean nodded then walked next to Castiel, albeit slowly, back to the Impala and watched as Castiel slid into the passenger seat before shutting the door for him and heading around to the driver’s seat.

“Wait,” Castiel said as Dean turned on the ignition then opened his door and hurled once more out on the road. He shut the door and kept his eyes on the windshield. “Okay, now we can go.”

Castiel kept his word and hadn’t gotten sick for the rest of the car ride to his house, although the knots and waves of nausea that coursed through his stomach almost won a few times. He hadn’t been so excited to see his bungalow in years when Dean drove through his neighborhood and pulled into his driveway.

“Thank you for the ride, Dean,” Castiel said as he kept his right hand on the door handle.

“No problem. Do you need any help with, uh, anything?”

“No, I’m fine,” Castiel smirked. “As fine as I can be right now, but I’ll get better in a couple days. So, I’ll talk to you soon then.”

Dean nodded as Castiel opened his door and slipped out. “Get better soon, man. I’ll talk to you later.”

While Castiel walked to his front door, he briefly wondered if he could get away with vomiting in the bushes or the grass, but not the flower beds because he had just planted them not too long ago.

Since it was frowned upon to vomit in the front yard of your home and Castiel didn’t want to clean up the mess in the morning, he let the thought drift off. He unlocked the front door and headed into the nearest bathroom once he walked inside.

***

It was the middle of the afternoon on Monday and Dean couldn’t get Castiel out of his head. He realized that his wandering thoughts of Castiel weren't going away anytime soon. He couldn’t concentrate and no matter how long he stared at his computer screen, he couldn’t get the motivation to continue working.

Dean reached over for his cell phone on the side of his desk and checked it, but he still had zero new messages. While he hoped that Castiel would have texted him, at least once, to tell him how he was feeling, he hadn’t heard from him since Saturday night.

Dean knew that the expectation was a bit much considering they weren’t really friends, at least he didn’t think so but he wasn’t entirely sure, so logically it made sense that Castiel hadn’t texted him.

The guy didn’t owe him anything. A text message would still be nice, though. Dean also fought the urge to text him throughout the day and although it wasn’t as bad as Sunday, he still thought up of different texts he could send him.

_Hey, Cas! How are ya feeling?_

or

_I hope you’re feeling a bit better today!_

or

_I bet you and your toilet are becoming very close this weekend ;D_

Dean immediately scratched out the third idea and thanked Whatever that he hadn’t sent it. When a beep came from his computer, he flashed his eyes to the sound and saw that he had gotten an email from Zachariah. Dean clicked the email notification on the top right corner and watched as it opened.

 **_Castiel Novak’s Work Files_ **  
**_Mon 6/29/2015 3:14 PM_ **  
**_Phelps, Zachariah_ **  
**_To: Winchester, Dean_ **

_Good afternoon, Dean. There’s another stack of files that needs to be delivered to Castiel this evening, so come to my office before you leave. Thanks! I hope you’re having a great day!_

_Zachariah_

Dean wasn’t sure if Castiel informed Zachariah about his sudden bout of food poisoning or if it mattered at all because he still needed the files regardless. Before he thought too much of it, Dean grabbed his phone and pulled up Castiel’s contact.

 _3:16 PM, June 29_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\--Hey man. I have another set of files to give you. I was wondering if you still wanted me to come over since I’m not sure if you’re still sick_

Dean reread the message as it sent and once it did, all he had to do was wait. He just wished that someone would have told him that waiting for a text message was worse than actually thinking of one to send.

As the afternoon progressed and drifted into the evening, Dean concluded that Castiel didn’t want him to come over. If he was still as sick as Saturday, he couldn’t blame the guy.

As he prepared to leave the office that evening, shutting down his computer and slipping his suit jacket back on, he heard a beep from his phone. Dean grabbed his messenger bag and put it over his shoulder then picked up his phone from his desk. When he checked his phone and saw that he received a text from Castiel, his stomach flipped and he immediately opened his phone and went to his messages.

 _5:47 PM, June 29_  
_To: Dean Winchester_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--Hello, Dean. I’m still ill, so you don’t have to come over today._

Disappointment washed over Dean when he read the text but he started replying anyway. Before he could overthink it and decide the message seemed desperate, he sent it.

 _5:48 PM, June 29_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\--It’ll be no problem at all to come and drop it off._

Dean stared at his phone and waited for a reply, but nothing came. He was sure that he scared Castiel off then or pissed him off or.. Wait, the grey bubbles started on Castiel’s end.

 _5:50 PM, June 29_  
_To: Dean Winchester_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--If you wouldn’t find it to be too much trouble. There’s a rock by the walkway with a black dot with a spare key under it, so you can let yourself in._

 _5:51, June 29_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\--Sounds good. I’ll be there soon_

Dean reread his reply once then shoved his phone into his pocket and headed to Zachariah’s office.

***

As Dean drove to Castiel’s home, he tapped his hands on the steering wheel to the music, this time around it was _Kansas_ , and briefly wondered how sick Castiel still was. He seemed pretty bent out of shape on Saturday and hoped that he was at least somewhat better. Dean pulled up into the driveway and took the files from the passenger seat floor then walked to the front door.

Dean looked down at the end of the walkway to search for the rock and when he found it, he flipped it over and grabbed the small silver key. He put the rock back, stood up, and headed over to the front door.

It felt weird to let himself into Castiel’s home after almost six years of waiting for the other to let him in. Dean turned the key and pushed the door open, shutting it behind himself and flashed his eyes through the main room to see if Castiel was around.

“Dean?” Castiel called and his head popped from over the couch.

Dean instantly noticed the disheveled hair that stuck up in various places while other pieces stuck to his head. He watched as Castiel squinted as if to figure out if it was actually him and any idea of how bad Castiel would be was thrown out the window because he looked worse.

“Yeah, it’s me. That salad did you good, huh?”

Castiel groaned at the words then fell back onto the couch, head disappearing out of sight.


	10. Chapter 10

Before being diagnosed, it was easy for Castiel to take things for granted. He had never thought about being able to just drive to In-N-Out for an a double meat burger and animal style fries or being able to wake up on Saturday morning for a three-mile run or even being able to stand for an entire concert.

Now, though, the small things, like seeing a dog on the way to work or a warm cup of herbal tea, meant everything because now just getting out of bed was a challenge.

It was one of the reasons why he let Dean stay even though he felt awful because all of the text messages Balthazar sent him weren’t the same as someone spending time with him and even Meg had taken the weekend to visit a friend in Los Angeles.

While Castiel didn’t tell Dean that because he had always been quiet and sulky when sick, Dean didn’t question it.

Castiel sprawled out on the lounge seat of the white sofa with a blanket over his body while Dean sat to his left as he flipped through suggestions on Netflix.

“Dude, you have a great taste in shows,” Dean praised as he flipped through all of the current shows watched from _Arrow_ to _The Walking Dead_. “But please don’t tell me that this is your first time watching _The X-Files_.”

“Of course not.” Castiel’s brows furrowed as if the statement was ridiculous, but to him and the fact that he had watched so many different TV shows after being laid up in bed or on the couch during numerous particularly bad pain days, it was. “I watched when it aired in the nineties until it finished, so this is only my second time around. I have to finish before it comes back to Fox next year.”

“I guess we have to watch it then.” Dean hummed as he clicked the title and watched as it loaded.

“I guess we do.”

Castiel turned down the volume of his cell phone as they watched episode after episode when Balthazar’s texts became more frequent once he told Balthazar that he didn’t need to come over because he was with Dean.

 _7:29 PM, June 29_  
_To: Balthazar Hyland_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--Things are fine, so please don’t worry about me. Enjoy Emmi’s ballet recital and send pictures._

 _7:30 PM, June 29_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Balthazar Hyland_  
_\--Cassie, how could I not worry?_

 _7:31 PM, June 29_  
_To: Balthazar Hyland_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--Balthazar._

 _7:32 PM, June 29_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Balthazar Hyland_  
_\--Fine. Let's get together once you feel better._

Warmth spread across Castiel’s cheeks as he felt his stomach flip at the words. If it was anyone else, he’d be sure that his feelings had been from his fever and cramps, but he knew this feeling.

He knew how wide and goofy his smile was as he read the message again and knew the tingles that flowed through his body. Castiel had been here before. Hell, he had just felt this way a week ago.

 _7:33 PM, June 29_  
_To: Balthazar Hyland_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--I’d love to._

“So,” Castiel looked over at Dean once the other cleared his throat and he put his cell phone face down on his lap. “How have you been feeling? Have you eaten anything since Saturday?”

“I haven’t eaten anything since then, no,” Castiel wrapped the blanket tighter around himself when he felt waves of chills and nausea course through his body. He hadn’t even thought of food since Saturday and just the talk of it was almost enough to send him over the edge. “I’m in the middle of feeling like the weight of a school bus is on me and being hit by a 2x4, so,” He chuckled softly. “How are you feeling?”

“Damn, Cas. You should be in bed.”

“I can’t sleep and lying in the same position for hours would hurt,” Castiel explained, because sick or not, he had been here before and felt worse pain that he was sure went straight to his bones. “How are you feeling?”

Dean stared at him for a few moments as his eyes softened. “I’m doing alright,” A corner of his mouth quirked up. “So, Mulder or Scully?”

“What?”

“Mulder or Scully? It’s an important question that will definitely dictate how ” Dean made a motion between them. “..this will go.”

“What do you mean by ‘this’?” Castiel’s brows knitted together for a quick second and a smirk slipped on his lips as Dean’s eyes widened.

“Uh, you know, our friendship and all.”

Castiel nodded, his smirk still faintly on his lips, as he watched Dean stutter and shift his eyes until they met his. He took a moment to think about the question. “Mulder, of course.”

Dean’s nervousness dissipated instantly at the words and a smile replaced his awkwardness. “I guess this will be alright.”

“I guess so,” Castiel hummed as he returned the smile.

Dean had lost count at how many episodes they watched because they kept talking through them about an array of things from the show to other shows to books. While they finally ended on an episode because Castiel couldn’t concentrate and had to frequently take bathroom breaks, their conversation kept steady.

“ _Slaughterhouse-Five_ is not as well-written as _Cat’s Cradle_.”

If Castiel hadn’t been so attractive, Dean would have smacked him right on the spot. “ _Cat’s Cradle_ isn’t as good as _Slaughterhouse-Five_ , Cas. I mean, all of the themes, especially the illusion of free will, and the motif of the phrase “so it goes”. Do you even remember that?” Castiel’s eyes hadn’t left his since he started vehemently defending the book. “The phrase reflects a kind of comfort in the Tralfamadorian idea that although a person may be dead in a particular moment, they’re alive in all the other moments of their life, which coexist and can be visited over and over through time travel. At the same time, though, the repetition of the phrase keeps a tally of the cumulative force of death throughout the novel, thus pointing out the tragic inevitability of death.”

“That may be true but the way _Cat’s Cradle_ deals with science, technology, and religion is so interesting to me.” Castiel began, voice soft and low while his eyes were glossy with sleep. Dean hadn’t checked the time in hours. “Also, recorded history is replete with examples of violent religious, ethnic, and international conflict. None of this changed with the twentieth century. Nevertheless, many people in the twentieth century took the egotistical position that humanity had reached a new pinnacle of maturity. Science became a revered institution of truth and knowledge, and few people seriously questioned whether the truth and knowledge of modern science were necessarily beneficial. The book ridicules this hubris by emphasizing that sheer human stupidity is not only alive and well in the twentieth century but armed to the teeth.”

Just like that, Dean’s need to smack Castiel changed into wanting to kiss him right there because, of course, he had to be attractive and intelligent. He didn’t and he wanted to blame it on his nerves but mainly it was because Castiel’s phone rang.

Castiel grabbed his phone next to him and smiled down at the screen as he unlocked it and answered. “Hello, Balthazar,” He put his index finger up at Dean then straightened up and let his right arm rest on the sofa’s armrest. “How are you?”

Dean wanted to puke on the spot as he watched Castiel’s face grow into a lazy smile as he listened to Balthazar. He wasn’t sure what it was and maybe it was just immature jealousy, but Balthazar gave him bad vibes and although Dean had only met Castiel’s ex once, it had been enough for a lifetime.

“Of course, Balth,” Dean tried to keep his face from scrunching up in disgust at the nickname. “I’ll call you when I feel better and I’ll look at the pictures of Emmi tonight. I only imagine how cute she was.” His ears perked up when Castiel looked over at him with a smile. “Yes, Dean is still here. We just got carried away with watching television, you know I am.”

Dean hadn’t paid attention to the rest of the conversation, thankfully it was short, and he glanced at his watch as Castiel ended the call. 10:38 PM. He couldn’t believe he had been at Castiel’s house for three hours because it felt like five minutes.

“Emmi’s ballet recital was tonight,” Castiel began as he looked back at Dean. “I’ve missed a lot of things, mainly work functions and all, but I’ve never missed one of her recitals. It’s a bit sad.”

“I can only imagine,” Dean watched as Castiel nodded then yawned, covering his mouth with the back of his hand, then ran a hand through his hair. His eyes seemed to glaze over then and he could just watch Castiel slowly wind down for the night. “I should leave, you know. It’s nearly eleven.”

Castiel nodded and slowly stood up, letting his blanket stay draped over his shoulder. "I guess you should. I’m sure I can fall asleep now.”

Dean led the way to the front door as Castiel followed and opened it, letting him walk out and turned to face Castiel as he stayed on the doorstep. “So, I’ll see you soon.”

“Of course, Dean. Thanks for delivering the files.”

“Yeah, and get better soon.”

“I’ll try,” Castiel watched as Dean nod once and headed to his Impala, giving him a small wave before he got in.

Dean’s stomach growled the moment he turned on the ignition and the realization he hadn’t eaten since one-thirty that afternoon hit him. He hadn’t gone without food for that long since he was a kid.

While Dean drove to the nearest McDonald’s, his thoughts drifted to Castiel and stayed there as he ate his quarter pounder with cheese, drove home, watched another hour of television, and right up until he was in the shower that night jerking off.

He tried to change his focus to his three go-to celebrities to jerk off to from Beyoncé, Natalie Portman, and Richard Madden but as he got further along, the image always dissolved and Castiel took its place. After a while, Dean went with it because he was alone without fear of judgment and Castiel was really fucking hot.

***

Castiel found himself at Balthazar’s doorstep that Saturday night in the same button down that he wore last weekend and told himself that it wasn’t weird to be at his ex’s house while their daughter was at a sleepover. They were just hanging out.

“Cassie,” Balthazar smiled as he opened the door and all of Castiel’s worries left him then.

They spent most of the evening in the kitchen as they cooked dinner together, something with zucchini noodles and meatballs, but Castiel didn’t pay attention because all of it was on Balthazar and the way he hummed softly to the music that played on the radio, the way he brushed up on his side as they cooked side-by-side, and the way that he wrapped his arms around him from behind while he stirred the noodles.

It was so peaceful and Castiel felt calm for the first time in weeks since Ruby arrived and _Olive & Wine_ started production.

Castiel let Balthazar keep his hand on his leg under the kitchen table as they ate their dinner and let his leg brush up beside his as they watched television together and let Balthazar’s hand slip into his own a couple minutes later. He didn’t know that he missed the constant contact of another person, but he did.

In fact, Castiel realized that he craved it, so once the touching became more frequent and the touches turned to kisses that turned into touches and kisses that explored each other’s body, he let it happen.

Castiel felt his heart beating against his ribcage once they made their way upstairs into the bedroom. He led Balthazar as they took off each other’s clothes and kissed one another because Castiel knew his body.

He knew things had to gentle and slow and a smile grew on lips as Balthazar followed his lead because he had always liked things a little rough.

 The scene was familiar as Castiel looked down at Balthazar as his hands traveled everywhere he wanted. He remembered Balthazar’s body like the back of his hand, everything about it from his scars to birthmarks, and he knew what made him tick.

“Cassie, oh my god,” Balthazar gasped softly and wrapped his arms around Castiel’s neck to kiss him.

Castiel turned slightly so the kisses ended up on his cheek and upper neck and he leaned in. “Just stay with me, please.”

***

_Five Years Ago_

Castiel heard the garage door open and close at seven-thirty that evening, Balthazar always came home at seven-thirty. He listened to footsteps and Emmi’s happy squeal from the bedroom and looked over to his navy blue cane that stood next to his nightstand. Castiel’s chest ached as he stared at it as the voices downstairs, a combination of Balthazar, Meg, and Emmi, became livelier as time went on.

He hadn’t felt whole in several months and spent most days in bed, a mixture of fatigue and pain that seemed to pulse through his veins and radiate if he moved the wrong way or his blankets touched his legs in just the wrong spot and the gnawing thought that told him that he was missing out on everything kept him there.

Castiel was missing out on greeting Balthazar at the door himself, their dates to their favorite restaurants, and their movie marathons of terrible B-horror films. He was losing valuable time with Emmi because every time he saw her when he could really concentrate and watch her, he noticed that she could already construct four-word sentences and play make-believe games.

She and Balthazar seemed to have plenty of make-believe games they played and Emmi tried to include Castiel in the games sometimes, but it never really worked, because he couldn’t move.

He couldn’t move and that was the problem. It had been the problem for the past year and a half or so when his pain began and he had been so naive to think that things would change after being diagnosed, after three months of being diagnosed, after six months of being diagnosed, but it hadn’t.

Castiel was still in this bed as the feeling of the weight of an entire house laid on him while an aching loneliness gloomed his thoughts and made everything seem like too much. He couldn’t handle it, so he just laid in bed. He always laid in bed.

Castiel kept his eyes locked on his cane and reached out for it slowly, a small gleam of hope in his chest when he finally wrapped his hand around it. While it took some time to get out of bed and down the hallway, each step was monumental.

It was progress and when he got to the top of the stairs, Balthazar and Meg turned their heads to look up at him.

“Clarence,” Meg smiled.

“Baby, you’re out of bed.” Balthazar’s voice was airy and light with surprise because he had been in bed for so long that they lost count and Balthazar would have to just go to their bedroom if he ever wanted to see his husband.

“Yes.”

Castiel gripped his cane and the staircase railing as he traveled down, so he wouldn’t fall, and he finally let Balthazar help him at the last few stairs then over to the couch. He tried not to let his discomfort show as his husband wrapped his hand around his arm.

Although his whole body felt like it was on fire, it was fine because it was manageable enough for him to actually get out of bed for once.

“How do you feel?”

Castiel’s gaze hadn’t left Emmi since he sat down on the couch and just seeing how much older she looked already, while only being two, tugged at his heart. She didn’t seem very concerned about him as Meg kept her busy with scribbling at the coffee table.

“I still feel awful,” Castiel turned to his husband with soft eyes. “But I wanted to come down and see you all. I missed you.”

Castiel recognized the loneliness in Balthazar’s eyes because it had become a fixture after seven months of dealing with his newly diagnosed chronic pain and the realization that a good treatment was harder to find than expected. Balthazar missed their time together, he had told Castiel countless times when they lied awake in bed together late at night.

He missed the spontaneous kisses, the welcome home hugs, and the fun and flexible sex and Castiel missed it too. He hadn’t made it a secret but after a handful of times listening to Balthazar’s words, they had dug into him because he couldn’t do anything about it.

This was his fault, after all, yet Castiel still couldn’t change and fix it, so he just had to lie in bed and listen to his husband recall the memories of the good years.

They were finally alone when Meg left shortly after Emmi was put to bed and Castiel could practically feel Balthazar’s wanting as he walked over to the couch and sat beside him.

“You look better.” Castiel wanted to laugh at Balthazar’s remark because he had been wearing the same _Mumford & Sons_ band t-shirt and sweatpants for the last three days.

“Not as good as you,” Castiel replied softly. His husband had been unbelievably attractive since the night they met at UChicago’s library and aged gracefully ever since.

Balthazar heated some leftovers for them as they watched television and once their plates were cleared and were on another episode of _Property Brothers_ , Castiel felt Balthazar’s arm wrap around the top of his shoulders. He glanced down as Balthazar’s left hand intertwined with his and when their silver wedding rings met and for some reason, a familiar ache began in his chest.

“Balthazar, stop.” Castiel tried to shrug off his husband’s arm because it was too heavy, too much.

“What?” Balthazar snapped.

Castiel cringed. “Please don’t do this.”

Balthazar huffed and moved away from Castiel, turning to glare at him. “Do what? Are my feelings inconveniencing you again?”

Ever since Castiel had been diagnosed, arguments became more frequent between the two because it was easier to fight about the reality than to try to do something to fix it, especially when they realized that living with chronic pain wasn’t going to be easy for either of them. 

Castiel had heard it all before, all of Balthazar’s complaints and desires of what it used to be, and it was easier for him to shut down than engage with his unsatisfied husband.

“You know that I don’t want this,” Castiel said quietly, averting his eyes from Balthazar.

“If you don’t want it, then why aren’t you even trying? I’m _trying_ , Cassie.”

“Do you think I’m actually not trying?” Castiel’s brows furrowed as he turned to his husband, his eyes hard and focused. “Do you think I want this? I feel trapped in my body, Balthazar, and no matter how hard I try I’m still here. It’s not going away.”

“I know that, but-”

“Do you? Do you think I want to miss out on everything, on life, on Emmi, on us?” Castiel laughed bitterly. “You don’t understand and you never have, so if you want to use me as your emotional garbage can again tonight then have at it.”

“Don't be such a drama queen. I just wished you could see it from my end because sometimes I think you don't want my love anymore.” Balthazar’s eyes were soft and searching. “It used to be so easy for me to wrap my arms around you and now I can't even touch you without knowing if I’ll hurt you.”

“You need to stop living in the past,” Castiel replied as he felt a mixture of anger and sadness well up inside him. He knew he should have stopped himself, but he couldn’t. It was so much and Balthazar just didn’t understand. Castiel just got out of bed and walked downstairs to see him and Emmi when all he wanted to was lay in bed, wasn’t that enough? Why wasn’t that enough? Why wasn't anything enough? “It’s been seven months since I’ve been diagnosed and it’s been a year and a half since this began, Balthazar. A year and a half and what have I heard from you for most of it? That you miss being laid, but you know what I miss? I miss being able to run and hold Emmi and do anything without feeling miserable, without feeling like I’m useless.” Castiel heard the desperation in his voice and felt like he could cry, but he didn’t. He needed Balthazar to hear him and listen. “I just.. I need you and I wish you could stop thinking of yourself and help me but you don’t. I’m miserable and you don’t care.”

“I care, Cassie, but god,” Balthazar huffed as his eyes traveled up to Castiel’s hair. He knew it was a mess, disheveled and sticking up in various places. Meg tried combing it a few times, but Castiel stopped her because it hurt too much. “When was the last time you brushed your hair?”

Castiel heard his voice crack as his eyes glazed over with tears. “Sometimes I just hate you so much.”

It was the first and last time Castiel told Balthazar he hated him and the argument was over after that. Castiel slowly made his way back upstairs and Balthazar joined a few hours later. Meg bought Castiel a _Chronically Awesome_ rubber bracelet two weeks later as the house began carrying a quiet and somber presence to it and Castiel knew something had changed between the two after that night.

***

Castiel laid next to Balthazar in bed, shirtless and happy, afterward and let his hand wander over to Balthazar’s and let their fingers intertwined. While it had been years since he had sex, mainly because Balthazar was the last, and only, person he slept with, it was so good. He was even surprised that Balthazar was conscientious of his pain and how he treated his body because it was so unlike him.

“You were so good,” Balthazar praised, his voice soft and tired.

Castiel hummed in agreement then rolled over to his side to face Balthazar. “So, what does this mean for us?”

Balthazar laughed until flirtatious smile replaced it a few moments later as he rolled onto his side. “Oh, Cassie,” He ran a hand through Castiel’s hair. “There’s something so seductive about the notion of possibility, right?”

Castiel felt Balthazar’s lips crash into his as he rolled on top of him and he let his thoughts drift because he felt full and free all at the same time. He could think about the consequences later.

***

Castiel had made a pact with himself that he wouldn’t tell anyone about his night with Balthazar, so he was positively irritated with himself when Meg tore it out of him as they waited for Emmi to finish getting dressed in her bedroom.

They were all headed to Ocean Beach for their Independence Day celebration and although Castiel was invited to the annual Fourth of July work function, he had declined because going to Ocean Beach had become a tradition of sorts for the three and Emmi had been talking about it for weeks.

“So, how was it, Clarence?” Meg’s voice was even and smooth while almost seeming opened, but her smirk told a different story. Castiel just glared at her as he slipped on a pair of tennis shoes. “I can’t believe you. I thought you were a romantic.”

“We got carried away,” Castiel stated then looked up at her from the couch. “It was a one-time thing, Meg.”

“Well, I hope so. You need someone to sweep you off your feet before they can slip-,”

“Daddy, I’m ready!” Emmi called as she walked down the hallway and into the living room. Castiel was sure he hadn’t seen anyone so patriotic while adorable simultaneously as she wore a blue and white dress with red accessories. “Can I get cotton candy and a face painting?”

Castiel gave Meg a pointed look then turned his attention to Emmi. “We’ll see about the cotton candy, but I’m sure they’ll have many different face paintings for you to choose from.”

The pier was packed when they arrived and they stopped at some of the shops and vendors as they walked while a band played eighties pop music in the distant. Castiel appreciated Meg tagging along the last couple of years, so she could always keep Emmi entertained whenever he needed to find a nearby bench to rest.

“That’s George Washington, right?” Emmi asked as she pointed to a painting.

The three of them made their way into a tent that showcased the history of the American Revolution. Various American flags and paintings of the time were on the walls with replica guns, uniforms, and facts were spread out on a few tables.

“No, that’s Benjamin Franklin,” Castiel answered then shifted his daughter to face another painting. “That’s George Washington.”

“So, what did Benjamin Franklin do?”

“He was one of the founding fathers who drafted the Declaration of Independence and Constitution. He also invented bifocals and organized the first successful lending library in the country.” Castiel listed as Emmi walked around the tent to look at things.

Emmi nodded slowly, processing it all, then glanced at the painting of Benjamin Franklin once more before walking out of the tent. “Cool!”

“You’re such a history nerd,” Meg teased as they walked a couple steps behind Emmi as they walked down the pier.

Castiel shrugged. “I was very interested in history when I was younger and I like supplementing Emmi’s education. Balthazar told me after her last parent teacher conference that they’re only learning about geography and important symbols and landmarks for social studies.”

“I can’t believe they have the nerve.” Meg mocked outraged, putting her hand to her chest.

Castiel grinned at her antics. “I know, it’s simply absurd.”

“Daddy, I found the face painting!”

Castiel and Meg followed Emmi to the small face painting booth with a big sign sitting in the front showcasing the wide arrange of face paint options from superheroes to animals to Fourth of July themes.

“Which one do you want, Em?” Castiel asked as Emmi looked at them all and his eyes immediately went to the bee face painting. He was positive that Emmi would look adorable with it and the thought made him think of her bee costume three Halloween’s ago, so he pointed at it. “What about this one?”

“You shouldn’t let your dad influence your decision,” Meg began as she squatted to Emmi’s level and she glanced up at him with a smirk for a moment then went back to Emmi. “I’m sure he’d be happy to get one with you, though.”

That was how Castiel found himself and Emmi in the two chairs getting their faces painted simultaneously twenty minutes later after waiting for each of the women manning the booth to finish face paintings for two kids.

Emmi had chosen Captain America while Castiel went with a tiger and he was just glad that the artwork only covered his eyes and a small portion of his forehead and cheeks because Meg couldn’t stop taking pictures and chuckling.

“You two make a cute couple and your daughter is so precious.” The woman painting Castiel’s face said with a smile.

While Castiel and Meg had been mistaken for a couple countless times before and people meant well when they said it, it always made him laugh because Meg was his best friend and practically a sister, so he tried to stifle his laugh so the woman wouldn’t mess up.

“Sadly, he’s gay and I’m too good for him,” Meg explained over her phone. “But Emmi is cute, isn’t she?”

 ***

The annual Goldenwoods Fourth of July celebration had been a tradition since the publishing company began thirty years ago. It was always held at Zachariah’s house and Dean couldn’t help but be a bit in awe every time he stepped into his boss’ backyard. The backyard was spacious with a seating area with a firepit and grill and a pool, so Dean was a bit envious and amazed every time he saw it.

Marcy decorated the backyard, like she had every year, with twinkling lights and a red, white, and blue color scheme while Zachariah kept himself busy at the grill. Dean watched as people played horseshoes from the snack table as he shoveled another chip with dill dip into his mouth. He tried not to be disappointed that Castiel chose to miss out on another year, but it was hard and he wanted to kick himself for it.

Logically, Dean knew that there was a slim chance that Castiel would come because he hadn’t shown up to one in years but he wanted to recreate their conversation last Monday because it was so nice, so simple, so-

“Hey, what are you doing over here alone?” Charlie asked as she walked over to the snack table with a friendly smile. “Garth is setting up a game of giant color blocked Jenga if you wanna play.”

“Sounds good,” Dean hummed absentmindedly over a bite of chips. He tried to fight the urge to check his cell phone, Castiel hadn’t texted him since Monday, but there was always a chance so he grabbed it. 7:42 PM and no new messages.

“How’s Cas?”

Dean’s eyes flicked up to Charlie at the question and he slipped his phone back in his pocket. She looked at him so innocently, but he knew she was up to something.

“Not sure. I haven’t seen him since last week,” Dean shrugged. He tried to be nonchalant, but he could see Charlie’s smirk as clear as day. “Why?”

“No reason. It’s just you two talked a lot at the bowling alley, so maybe you would know why he’s not here.” Charlie said as she made herself a cup of punch.

“I’m sure he’s doing something with family or friends. Besides, he never goes to these things.”

Charlie smiled at that and Dean realized he said too much because apparently he was the only one that noticed if Castiel made an appearance at a work function. “It sucks that he’s not here because he seems so nice and cool and I hadn’t even noticed those blue eyes before. It’s crazy.”

“Really haven’t noticed,” Dean played along until he saw Charlie open her mouth to continue. “Charlie, where are you going with this?”

“You like him, don’t you?” Charlie’s voice carried a sing-song like melody to it as if they were middle schoolers talking in the cafeteria during lunch.

Dean’s eyes widened before he began to huff at the ridiculous suggestion. “What? No? Charlie, you. You are clearly..,” Charlie had a knack for just giving him a look to make him spill. It had happened when he tried to keep the season four finale of Game of Thrones from her and it was happening now. “Look, I just think he’s… mildly… attractive. It’s fine.”

When Charlie began to squeal, Dean quickly shushed her. “I don’t want people to know, Charlie. Alright? I want to keep things professional.”

“Right, right,” Charlie tried to keep her smile under control, but it slipped again. “But oh my god, dude. This is so great because he does seem nice. I mean, I’ve only talked to him a couple times but you could get him out of his shell. Do you think he’s into you?”

“I doubt it. He has this ex who’s so..,” Dean’s face scrunched up in disgust as he tried to think of a word. “Gross? I think that’s a good enough word. He’s single, though, so..”

“Ew,” Charlie agreed then sipped her drink. “But you should totally text him, though. I mean, do you have his number?”

“Yeah, but-,”

“But what?”

“He could be busy.”

“From what I know about him, I doubt he’s that busy and you guys talked so much on Saturday. I’m sure he’d like to hear from you,” Charlie nudged.

Dean sighed then put his paper plate on the snack table and took out his cell phone. 7:50 PM and still no new messages, but he pulled up Castiel’s contact anyway and Charlie glued herself to his side as he started texting.

“Dean, you have to say something other than ‘hey’. You have to initiate a conversation, so ask him how his Fourth of July has been.”

Dean prided himself on rarely asking for dating advice, which this wasn’t by the way because Castiel and him were just friends, but Charlie had been with Dorothy since college so he was sure that she knew what she was doing.

 _7:50 PM, July 4_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\--Hey man. How’s your_ july _4th been??_

They both watched as the message sent and waited for the gray bubbles to appear. Dean kept his smile in check when they showed up a minute later.

 _7:52 PM, July 4_  
_To: Dean Winchester_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--Hello, Dean. Emmi, Meg, and I are at Ocean Beach for the evening which has been fun. Emmi and I had our face painted, though, and Meg won’t stop laughing and making tiger jokes._

“He texts so formally,” Charlie observed.

“Yeah, he does that.”

“And who are Emmi and Meg?”

“Emmi is his daughter and Meg is a friend,” Dean answered as he kept rereading the text message.

“Hm, family man. Are you cool with that?”

Dean’s brows furrowed. “Hey, I like kids. I practically raised Sam and,”

“Okay, okay. Just making sure.” Charlie defended then smiled. “You should ask him about what the tiger jokes are about.”

Dean nodded and began texting.

 _7:54 PM, July 4_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\--Tiger jokes?_

 _7:55 PM, July 4_  
_To: Dean Winchester_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--Yes. I picked a tiger face painting and Meg finds it hilarious evidently._

Dean smiled at the message and wondered how hilarious it really was.

 _7:56 PM, July 4_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\--Can I see?? I bet you look fine_

Dean waited for a text message but when five minutes past and he didn’t get a reply, he sighed.

“It’s totally cool, dude. Don’t spend the whole night waiting for a text. Let’s play Jenga!” Charlie grinned, took a chip from one of the bowls then led the way to the table with the game already set up.

Dean was glad that he took Charlie’s advice because playing giant Jenga was a lot more fun than eating his weight in chips and dip while waiting for a reply from Castiel. But when he felt a buzzing in his jeans as everyone found seats to watch the firework display, he took out his cell phone as fast as he could.

 _9:03 PM, July 4_  
_To: Dean Winchester_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--I took this an hour ago, but I finally gathered the courage to send it. Please, no tiger jokes._

A picture was attached to the text message and it was of him and Emmi. They were squished together with Castiel’s arm wrapped around Emmi to hold the cell phone in both hands while the sun was setting from behind them.

Although Emmi donned a Captain America face painting while Castiel’s eyes and top of his cheeks were painted as a tiger, both of their smiles were big and bright.

Dean laughed as he replied because Castiel looked ridiculous

 _9:06 PM, July 4_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\--You don’t look that bad, in fact, the face painting is pretty good. I hope y’all like the fireworks. I heard they’re good down there. And, okay fine, no tiger jokes. But what about puns?_

 _9:08 PM, July 4_  
_To: Dean Winchester_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--Tiger puns will suffice and yes, the fireworks are spectacular here. We go every year. I hope you like your firework display, as well. Have a nice holiday, Dean._

The first firework went off as Dean read Castiel’s text message a second time. He had to thank Charlie for the encouragement after the display and while Castiel wasn’t at the annual Fourth of July celebration, this year was turning out to be one of the best ones yet.

 _9:10 PM, July 4_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\--You too, Cas_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, friends! Comments are really appreciated and loved!


	11. Chapter 11

Castiel liked spending time with Dean. He liked his taste in television shows, his taste in books, and his willingness to bring snacks over to the sofa. Castiel’s favorite thing, though, was Dean’s countless character impressions.

They were in the middle of _Kill Bill Volume 1_ that Friday night, a bowl of popcorn in between them on the sofa when Castiel turned to Dean with a smile.

“Can you do Dobby from Harry Potter?”

“Dude, seriously? I’m trying to watch the movie,” Dean turned from the television and although his words were harsh, a smirk played on his lips. He sighed dramatically, cleared his throat, and began his impression. “Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!”

Castiel laughed, nose scrunching up, and shook his head. “That’s so weird that you can get your voice that high.”

“Hey, you love my impressions.”

“I do.” Castiel nodded then felt a stabbing pain spark in his lower back. He winced and let his hand fall to the area.

“You okay?”

“I’m fine,” Castiel hummed, his voice on edge.

The other thing Castiel liked about Dean was that he never put too much emphasis on his pain. Castiel knew he cared, Dean asked him how he was feeling countless times, but through the few weeks of spending time with him at his home, he never treated him differently. 

While Castiel noticed Dean’s glances that were a moment too long whenever he wore one of his heating pads or forgot basic words to complete a sentence, he never asked questions.

Castiel appreciated it because it almost made him feel normal. It was easier than explaining his fibromyalgia and risking the chance of Dean assuming that he was crazy or lying because he looked fine. He was never sure which was the worst accusation.

“Are you sure?”

Castiel sighed, lips flattening to a thin line. “If you wouldn’t mind going into the third bedroom and grabbing a heating pad,” When Dean nodded and stood up to head to the hallway, he quickly added, “It’s in the closet in one of the white plastic drawers. It should be labeled and get the back one.”

“Got it,” Dean called and Castiel huffed softly, keeping his right hand on the spot and rubbing in a circle motion try to sooth any of the pain. Dean came back a few moments later and held up a plastic bag. “This one?”

Castiel nodded as Dean held the plastic bag with his black heating pad for his back. He grabbed the bag from Dean and as he opened it, he heard a low curse at his side. Castiel turned to him and saw Dean looking at his cell phone, brows furrowed.

“Is something wrong?”

“It was Sam. I forgot that it was Friday and we kind of have this thing we do almost every weekend..." Dean trailed off. He looked up from his cell phone with a soft smile on his lips. “It’s kinda stupid, but it’s a tradition.”

“That doesn’t sound stupid, Dean.” Castiel learned quickly that Dean downplayed his feelings and pushed aside so many aspects of himself. He remembered the time Dean brought over some of his marketing ideas when he came to deliver his usual files and it took so long for Dean to finally admit that his ideas were great and just what the book needed. Dean carried an air of confidence the rest of the night. “It’s my fault that you missed it, you know.”

Dean dodged the comment. “Maybe we can all hang out sometime? Get some food and watch some movies. Watch the second _Kill Bill_.”

“I’d like that.” Castiel nodded as he took out his heating pad and wrapped it around his lower back.

“You do have a thing for badass chicks.”

“What?” A laugh escaped Castiel as he chose a heat setting.

“Uh, Meg? Pretty sure she’d kill anyone that fucked her over too. Sometimes I think she wants to kill me whenever she looks at me.”

“She likes you,” Castiel promised. Dean and Meg usually only saw each other if Meg was already at his home when Dean came over with files. They tried watching _Nightcrawler_ together which dissolved into Meg and Dean exchanging small snide comments back and forth. Castiel was used to it, used to Meg. He grinned a second later. “That’s just how she is, but I’ll make sure she comes for you if you ever screw me over."

“Awesome,” Dean sighed.

***

Castiel loved spending time with Balthazar. They got together whenever Emmi was at ballet practice, a sleepover, or at Castiel’s house with a babysitter. They also always met up at Balthazar’s to watch a movie or eat dinner but if Castiel was being honest with himself, he loved spending time with Balthazar because of the sex.

Although he knew he had promised Meg that his one-night-thing with Balthazar would be, in fact, a one-night-thing, Meg just didn’t understand the situation.

Meg didn’t understand Balthazar like him and that was part of the problem. Balthazar had always been rough around the edges since the day Castiel met him, but he also was charming as hell.

Every time they had sex, Balthazar showered him with whispered worship whether it was as he ran a hand through Castiel’s hair as he whispered them in his ear or kissed each sweet word down from his collarbone and up to his neck.

While they stuck to having sex in Balthazar’s bed, Castiel’s favorite place was the shower for blowjobs. He was able to sit on the shower seat as Balthazar sucked him off while the water rained down on them. It was such a stimulating experience that Castiel asked for it more times than not.

Balthazar became accommodating to his pain. After some time, they almost perfected the slow rhythm and whenever a position hurt too much for Castiel, he just had to tell Balthazar and they found a new one.

Whenever that happened, Balthazar spent more time humming words of admiration with kisses after they finished. Like he said, Meg didn’t understand.

“You’re so perfect, Cassie.” Balthazar trailed kisses along Castiel’s collarbone that traveled along up to his lips.

Castiel sunk deeper into the kiss, letting his hands wander to Balthazar’s hair until Balthazar’s cell phone buzzed on the nightstand. He watched Balthazar leave his side and roll to his nightstand, grabbing the phone and a coldness washed over him. He felt the pulsing ache in his upper arms start again.

“Is it work?” Castiel asked when Balthazar was still glued to his cell phone. Work had been a constant buffer with them and kept them apart more times than not as they continued getting together. Balthazar began a big case with a few colleagues that kept him tied to his cell phone. “Should I go?”

“I’ll make it up to you,” Balthazar set his cell phone back onto the nightstand and turned to Castiel with a smile. Castiel frowned and pain radiated deep in his lower back then. He fought the urge to rub at it because Balthazar hated whenever he let his pain affect him so outrightly. Balthazar always became irritated if he talked about his pain for too long, regardless of how much his headaches hurt or arms ached. But his arms always ached. Castiel kept his hands in his lap. “The annual banquet is coming up soon which will recognize the Lawyer of the Year. It will be so fun. You can be my plus one.”

Butterflies flew through Castiel’s stomach as he grinned and messed with the comforter then looked up at Balthazar. “Won’t your colleagues wonder why I’m there after all these years?”

“Do you honestly think I care what they think? I need you, Cassie. I need you there.”

“What?” Castiel asked, his voice light. He heard Balthazar clear as day, but he needed to hear it again.

“I need you there. You’ll love it and Jennifer will love to see you again,” Balthazar repeated. His lips traveled endlessly over Castiel’s chest and up to his neck and every kiss sent sensation coursing through Castiel. “Tell me you’ll come. I need you there with me to show you off.”

“You’re ridiculous,” Although Castiel rolled his eyes, the truth still spilled out with the words and if Balthazar wanted to tell him that he needed him again, he’d let him tell him a million times over. He’d never forget it. Castiel’s eyes met with Balthazar’s. “But if you think I’ll like it, then I’ll come with you.”

“Fantastic. You always did look smashing in a suit.” Balthazar said, before kissing him again.

***

“Castiel, this won’t end well,” Meg hummed, her eyes never left Castiel’s since he broke down and told her everything. Meg had a knack for that and usually Castiel appreciated the skill, it came in handy whenever he needed Emmi to confess about something, but now, he hated it.

The light morning breeze ruffled through her dark hair and Castiel peered down at his half-eaten omelet. Brunch was a tradition that they honored at least once a month and Castiel looked forward to it every time, but now his stomach felt hollow and he didn’t understand why Meg was so stubborn.

“You don’t understand,” Castiel finally replied, his voice low as he looked up at Meg.

“Of course, I understand. I was there through it all, from the first day when Balthazar hired me and you both were still so hopeful to the last when you could barely get out of bed because you were so depressed and sick.” Meg’s eyes were hard as her tone matched Castiel’s. “He kicked you out after everything and you couldn’t even move.”

Castiel’s blood boiled as she continued and he kept his eyes on the nearby tree over her shoulder. His eyes stayed on the tree until Meg got down to the final words. “Meg, stop.”

A silence filled between them as they locked eyes, both of their gazes were hard and focused.

“I don’t want you to get hurt,” Meg confessed. “I don’t want you to go through that again and I know you care for Balthazar but after all he put you through and how you are, I don’t think this is a smart decision.”

Castiel’s brows furrowed. “How am I?”

“You give so much and love so deeply and you’re such a romantic,” Meg stressed and Castiel changed his attention back to the tree. “I’m not implying it’s a bad thing, it’s not. But with someone like Balthazar, it’s not compatible. He’s not like that and... You deserve so much more than someone that left you because things got too hard.”

“He’s been careful with my pain and he's so kind to me,” Castiel’s eyes flashed back to Meg and her own were soft. He wished that he could get her to understand. “He told me that he needs me.”

“Castiel,” Meg sighed.

“Do you know how hard it is for anyone to understand what I go through?” He asked. “People dismiss it and they stare and regardless of what they think, they look at me with these sad eyes. They pity me,” Castiel’s voice was soft. “No one wants to date someone like me, Meg, so I apologize if it inconveniences you that I want to try again with someone that at least tried the first time and treats me well now.”

Another silence fell between them until Meg broke it with a defeated sigh. “Okay,”

Castiel watched Meg nod and although her soft eyes stayed, it was enough. He just wanted to go home.

***

It was Monday and Castiel was still in bed. He had been in bed almost all day with a migraine which turned into lower back and neck pain. The dull pain had kept him there and when Castiel took a nap, he felt drained. He yawned and grabbed his phone on his nightstand, then pulled up Dean’s contact.

 _5:32 PM, July 19_  
_To: Dean Winchester_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--Hello, Dean. I’m not feeling well, so please don’t come over. You can drop them off later in the week._

If Castiel was being honest with himself, his brunch with Meg left a hollow pit in his chest. While Balthazar wasn’t perfect, he was far from the person Meg painted him out to be. He wished she could see that, but Meg had always been stubborn. He and Balthazar hadn’t talked at all since he was last with him and the banquet was in three days. Castiel missed him.

 _5:35 PM, July 19_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\--Alright, sounds good. Feel better man._

Castiel read the text message twice and smiled softly. He put his cell phone back on his nightstand, pulled his covers up, and tried to find a comfortable position to fall back to sleep.

***

Castiel took himself in as he stood in front of the full-length mirror in his bedroom. He hoped that his usual black suit and blue tie would suffice because he never knew what to wear in a room full of lawyers. Balthazar would tell him if he looked good enough, he always did, and Castiel was sure that Balthazar would look nice in one of his crisp, fitted suits.

He straightened his tie and pulled on the shell to loosen it. He hated ties. Castiel’s eyes wandered over himself again and smoothed his hair then wondered if he should comb it again. Balthazar liked his hair combed. He was pulled out of his thoughts when he heard the doorbell ring.

Castiel walked out of his bedroom and to the front door, smiling when he opened it and saw Dean with a stack of files. “Hello, Dean.”

“Hey,” Dean greeted and walked past Castiel into the house. He set the stack on the kitchen table and turned to Castiel, eyes wandering up and down before meeting Castiel’s eyes. “You going out tonight?”

“I’m attending Balthazar’s annual law firm banquet,” Castiel informed. “I just hope I’m dressed well enough.”

Dean nodded as he licked his lips slowly then cleared his throat. “Yeah, you look good. Besides, they’ll all be busy talking about cases and testimonies and whatever.” Castiel smiled. “But, uh, maybe you should run a hand through your hair or something. It looks kinda flat.”

Castiel ran a hand through his hair. “Better?”

“Yeah, you look better,” Dean said and eyed the front door then turned his attention back to Castiel. “Guess I’ll go, so you can finish getting ready.”

Castiel nodded and followed Dean to the front door. “Are we still getting together at Sam’s this Friday?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Dean smiled softly. “I’ll pick you up and we’ll grab some food before we go,”

“Sounds good. I’ll see you then, Dean.” Castiel opened the door and watched Dean walk down the walkway to his Impala, giving him a wave before his friend slipped into his car.

***

Balthazar pulled up to the banquet hall’s entrance as the valet service waited for them and although Castiel had been to countless events held by Balthazar’s law firm, he never got used to the big display of it all.

The valet service, the endless supply of alcohol, the food that was too small and ended up making him hungrier than before, and the expensive cars everyone seemed to own.

Castiel stepped out of Balthazar’s Mercedes and waited for him at the entrance. He watched as Balthazar whispered something in the valet boy’s ear and slipped him a wad of cash, before walking back over to him.

When Castiel reached for his hand, wanting to intertwine their fingers before going in, Balthazar let his hands fall onto Castiel’s shoulders, smoothing down his suit.

“You look so great, Cassie,” Balthazar praised and Castiel felt the familiar warmth settle in his stomach. Balthazar began fixing his hair. “But I wish that you would comb your hair and straighten your tie. You know I’d do the same for your work events.”

Castiel immediately felt suffocated after Balthazar straightened his tie, but he nodded and instead of Balthazar reaching down for his hand, he put it on the small of his back.

They walked into the banquet hall and Castiel took in all of the familiar faces. Balthazar quickly familiarized himself with everyone they walked passed, striking up a conversation while Castiel stayed in the back.

While he wanted to sit down, he knew that Balthazar was only beginning. Castiel’s back ached once they finally found their seats in the large dining hall. He took in the vaulted ceiling, dark wood beams, and chandeliers once they sat down.

Along with Balthazar’s well-dressed colleagues that seemed to only talk about law and the beautiful hall, Castiel felt like a fish out of water. He hadn’t even seen Jennifer all night and he was quickly beginning to think she didn’t come at all.

“Are you having a nice time?”

Castiel sat down his glass of water and looked over at Balthazar. “Honestly, I feel out of place.”

“Cassie, how can you say that?” Balthazar frowned. “Everyone loves you. Can you at least try to have a good time for me?”

“Of course,” Castiel hummed. Balthazar seemed content with that because he smiled and pressed a kiss to his cheek before starting another conversation with someone Castiel vaguely knew.

Castiel tried to enjoy himself as the banquet continued, but he only seemed to get along with Margaret, a seventy-four-year-old lawyer turned secretary that joined their table thirty minutes ago, and he was sure that it was because she seemed interested in things other than law.

“Oh yes, I mostly plant flowers but I have a nice tomato patch in my garden as well,” Margaret smiled. “It’s nice to focus on other things than Law.” she leaned into Castiel, then. “You’d think that these people live in a Law bubble. Most of these folks have the personality of dry wood and it certainly wasn’t like this thirty years ago. You’re not a lawyer, are you?”

“No, I’m not.” Castiel shook his head.

“Thought so,” Margaret patted his knee, lovingly. “You’re much too interesting to be one.”

Castiel smiled at the words. "That’s very sweet of you,”

“Honey, come meet one of the new lawyers,” Castiel turned to Balthazar and noticed the tall brunet with striking green eyes in standing front of him. He had to be only twenty-six. “Castiel, this is Felix, one of the new lawyers I’m mentoring.”

“Nice to meet you,” Castiel greeted and shook Felix’ hand, taking in the other’s strong handshake. “I didn’t know you mentored new lawyers.”

“Well, mentoring is kind of strong word. He’s showing me the ropes.” Felix explained. “Your husband is a great teacher.”

Heat swelled up in Castiel’s cheeks as a smile grew on his lips and a faint voice of logic whispered in the back of his head telling him that he needed to correct Felix. He nodded instead.

***

_Seven Years Ago_

Emmi Coraline Novak was born on February 18, 2008, at two thirty-three in the morning at exactly seven pounds and that information was ingrained in Castiel’s mind.

He remembered Mariah’s tight clench around his hand on the last push and Emmi’s first cry was undeniably unforgettable. Castiel kept his eyes locked on Emmi as someone cut the umbilical cord, cleaned her, and bundled her up so she wouldn’t get cold.

_“Newborn babies don't have the ability to control their temperature well, so it's very important that they are kept warm and dry.”_

_“At birth, babies are born with roughly 100 billion neurons, a number that remains quite stable from birth to adulthood. These neurons continue to become larger and heavier as the child develops. Much of this change is a result of proliferation_ _of dendrites that permit neurons to communicate with each other.”_

_“Infants as young as one month can discriminate among certain consonant/vowel sounds, intonations, pitches, and degrees of volume.”_

All of the information that Castiel learned from the countless baby books he read late into the night for nine months ran through his head and suddenly stopped when he felt a soft weight in his arms. When he peered down and saw Emmi’s dark blue eyes staring up at him, Castiel felt weightless. For the first time since his wedding day, he felt completely content.

He and Balthazar stayed at the hospital until seven in the morning. Castiel soaked up as much information from the midwife and nurses as he could until Balthazar dragged him out of the room and to their car because he needed sleep.

As they drove home, Castiel let himself relax into the passenger seat and felt his eyelids become heavier as time drifted on.

Castiel woke up when they arrived home and immediately fell back asleep when he crawled into bed. Balthazar was right, he needed sleep and he’d just take a twenty-minute nap, then he could back to the hospital.

When Castiel woke up again, though, the house was dark and silent, the curtains were closed, and his thoughts raced back to Emmi and Balthazar.

The downstairs was dark when Castiel walked to the lower level and the television was the only source of light in the living room, pictures flickering across Balthazar’s face and the surrounding walls.

He walked around to the couch and saw Balthazar asleep, mouth slightly open as he snored. Castiel shook him slightly and watched as his husband awoke.

“I’m going to the hospital.”

“Cassie, no. It’s so late and Mariah and Emmi are probably asleep,” When Castiel began protesting, Balthazar pulled him onto the sofa and into his chest. He whispered sweet nothings in his hair until they both fell back asleep.

Castiel took paternity leave when Emmi came home from the hospital three days later while Balthazar worked. It was a good system because Balthazar always arrived home early in the evening to cook dinner and Castiel loved spending the day with Emmi, peppering her with affection and singing the same Polish lullabies that he remembered from his mother when he was young.

His leave lasted three and a half months and Zachariah seemed overjoyed his first day back because apparently the three books that were in the middle of production had been too much for the company to tackle without him around.

Castiel explained that he would have been fine with coming back early to help, but Zachariah wouldn’t hear of it because his family was more important.

Although Castiel had only worked at Goldenwoods for seven years and he and Zachariah had quite the age gap, they were good friends and he was sure it was because they were the two heads of the company.

They had frequently taken lunch breaks together or gone out for drinks after a long day and though Zachariah seemed a bit off, Castiel liked him well enough, so when Zachariah asked if he wanted to see _Iron Man_ two weeks after its release, he accepted.

The buttered popcorn was good, the movie even better, and their thoughts on the movie dominated the conversation as Zachariah drove back to Castiel’s.

“Robert Downey Jr was an incredible Iron Man, you have to admit that,” Castiel stressed.

“Yes, but-”

Castiel never found out the rest of Zachariah’s thought. They happened to be almost turned towards each other as they talked, they happened to be only twenty minutes away from Castiel’s house, and they happened to be right in the path of a speeding drunk driver.

Castiel barely had time to close his eyes before the impact swerved Zachariah’s car to the right into another and both of the vehicles drove off the highway a second later.

Screams and the sound of running footsteps filled his surroundings as his vision cleared. He noticed a woman with deep black skin staring at him as she cried into her phone.

Although she seemed so relieved that he was there, awake, the tears kept falling. Castiel felt a pulsing dull ache in his head as he felt a slow warmth trickling down his forehead, not knowing that the blood kept flowing down his face.

“Sir, hello, are you alright? Can you move?” The EMT was so close to Castiel’s face, so he squinted when the woman shined the bright flashlight into his eyes. “Sir? You have to stay with me. How do you feel?”

“I’m fine,” He tried to turn his neck to look over to Zachariah, but he winced in the process and he felt the EMT start unbuckling him to take him out of the car. While Castiel’s reply was calm, his voice rang out distant and hollow. “I’m fine.”

Even though Castiel and Zachariah had both acquired whiplash, bruises, and cuts, Castiel was diagnosed with a SLAP tear in his right shoulder and a herniated disc in his lower back. He was thankful that his herniated disc could be treated with over-the-counter pain medication and adjusting any painful position he sat in, the shoulder injury required surgery.

After seven weeks of recovery, Castiel felt almost normal again. He could pick up Emmi and balance her on his hip, bend down to pick up their laundry baskets and walk them up and down the stairs with ease, and twist into all of the different sex positions Balthazar wanted.

He noticed the changes a couple weeks later when he bent down to pick Emmi up off of her playmat and soreness ran through his right shoulder down to his shoulder blade and up to his collar bone. While Castiel winced and cursed under his breath, Emmi giggled. He changed his focus to her and smiled, pressing a kiss to her temple and carrying on with his day.

Castiel was positive that he had cancer. His pain had started becoming unbearable as the year progressed. When he kept forgetting words and misplacing things like his car keys and wallet, he was positively sure that it was brain cancer. It had to be, but Castiel still didn’t do anything about it because if it was then he wasn’t sure if he could deal with it.

Balthazar forced him to see a doctor after Castiel stayed in bed three days in a row with throbbing back pain in addition to the sensation of pins and needles in his legs. He was silent all the way to their doctor’s office, while they sat in the waiting room, and up until he was in the room with his doctor.

There were so many tests that Castiel lost count, but he almost cried when he found out that it wasn’t brain cancer or any other terrifying life-ending illness. Although the tests came back negative for cancer, they came back negative for everything else related to his symptoms. Castiel had gone to so many specialists that told him the same thing and after a while, he began to think that he was crazy.

Castiel didn’t have lupus or rheumatoid arthritis or Lyme disease but he still hurt. He still hurt so badly sometimes that he could barely move and he didn’t understand because he was only thirty-five.

It didn’t seem to matter, though, because all of his internal organs were fine so he was obviously fine, too. But he wasn’t. Castiel hadn’t been fine in months.

After countless failed visits with a handful of specialists, Castiel wanted to curl up on himself because if specialists with years of experience and education weren’t sure what was wrong with him then it all seemed pointless.

He was just bound to be in pain, he guessed, but the racing thoughts of wondering what he did to deserve being consistency in pain flowed through his head as he laid awake at night never ended.

Dr. Nguyen was Castiel’s saving grace. Balthazar contacted her office as he tried to find another specialist for his husband and sent him to an appointment while he was at work, checking in with text messages periodically. Dr. Nguyen listened to Castiel as he explained his symptoms, really listened to him, and nodded and hummed now and again.

After a couple of tests, she diagnosed him with fibromyalgia.

Castiel felt relief and confusion wash over him all at once because it was at least something, but the word felt foreign on his lips. Dr. Nguyen explained it slowly, so he could concentrate, and it all seemed to sync until she brought up medication for treatment.

“I’m not medicating myself,” Castiel insisted. He had seen the effects of what medication could do to a person from drowsiness all the way up to suicidal tendencies, and he wasn’t about to put his body through that.

“Mr. Novak, I assure you that plenty of people with fibromyalgia take medication and live productive lives.”

“I’m sure they do,” Castiel continued. “But I don’t want to take medication. I’d rather be in pain.”

Dr. Nguyen sighed as her eyes flickered across Castiel’s face, his jaw set and eyes focused, then continued. “There are some other treatments for patients, I can tell you about those.”

The gnawing thought of possibly losing his job because of all of the sick days he took was always in the back of Castiel’s mind.

Zachariah didn’t mind, though, and told him to take as much time as he needed to heal then after a couple of months of consideration, he began recruiting the help of Dean to deliver work files to Castiel.

***

Castiel’s cell phone buzzed on his bed as he slipped on his _Mumford & Sons_ t-shirt that Friday night. He grabbed it a second later and saw that he received a text message from Dean.

 _7:09 PM, July 23_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\--Hey, I’m here. Hope you’ve been thinking of places to eat_

He smiled at the text message, looked at himself once more in his full-length mirror before deciding to grab one of his zip hoodies. Castiel pulled a blue one out of his closet, zipped it halfway and checked his outfit again.

Although he loved his Mumford & Sons t-shirt, he had it for so long that it began getting holes in it but he wasn’t sure that he could throw it out.

The hoodie covered the holes well enough for him, so he slipped on his shoes and grabbed his wallet and keys then headed outside. When he slipped into Dean’s car, his ears perked up to the music and his brows furrowed as he looked over to Dean.

“Is this Bob Dylan?”

“Uh, yeah. Thought you might like a change from my regular tapes,” Dean answered, smiling softly as he watched one grow on Castiel’s lips. He cleared his throat and backed out of the driveway. “Have you thought where you want to eat?”

“How about Tender Greens?” Castel asked. He huffed out a laugh when he saw Dean’s immediate frown at his suggestion and his mind raced as he thought of another restaurant while “Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right” played in the background. “Veggilish?”

“Dude, I’m thinking along the lines of pizza, burgers, Taco Bell. That sorta thing.”

“I haven’t had fast food in years,” Castiel hummed. Just the idea of finally giving in and eating a burger or a slice of pizza made his mouth water. Although cutting out the junk food helped his pain somewhat, he still missed it and regardless of how many different ways he cooked quinoa or kale, it wouldn’t replace his love for greasy fast food. God, he missed pizza. He weighed the pros and cons then looked at Dean. “Let’s go to In-N-Out.”

“Now that’s something I can work with,” Dean said as he drove out of Castiel’s neighborhood.

In-N-Out was packed and the drive-thru ended about a block away from Target. Castiel was used to it because he went to In-N-Out so many times and sat through the long wait of the drive-thru just as many that he considered it part of the experience.

Dean, though, cursed his way through the parking lot until he found a parking space far enough away from other cars.

“Did you park far enough away?” Castiel joked as they slid out of the Impala and headed inside.

“Hey, I know how the people drive here. It’s crazy,” Dean said and held the door for Castiel. “Do you know what you want?”

“I usually order the double meat burger and animal style fries, but now..,” Castiel eyed the menu with a squint. They shuffled along with the long line as they waited.

“You could get the protein style version of that,” Dean said and Castiel nodded. The smell that wafted through the air made his stomach growl. “So, you never eat fast food?”

“Not really, no. It helps,” Castiel tried to choose his words carefully because an In-N-Out wasn’t the place to tell Dean. Not here, not now. He bit his bottom lip as he turned to Dean. “It helps me feel good, I guess.” Castiel’s brows knitted at the awkward phrasing and sighed. “You know how fast food makes you feel tired afterward? Well, when I started cutting it out, I felt more energized and all. So I just stopped.”

Dean nodded slowly then smirked. “Hopefully, you won’t fall asleep after you eat your burger,”

Castiel rolled his eyes and chuckled. “Hopefully not,”

Once they made their way to the counter and ordered, Dean ordering Jess and Sam’s orders off his cell phone, they paid and made their way to Sam’s apartment. Castiel was in charge of holding the box and as the smell of burgers and fries filled the car, he had to fight every impulse to not eat a fry or his entire burger right then.

They arrived at the apartment shortly and Castiel put the box on the kitchen counter before hugging Jess and Sam.

“I haven’t seen you in so long, how are you?” Jess asked as she hugged Castiel, smiling. “How’s Emmi?”

“I’m doing well and Emmi just finished first grade. She’s very excited to transition from being a Daisy to Brownie in Girl Scouts in the upcoming school year.” Castiel said as he let his hands wander to his lower back because he always felt comfortable enough to pay attention to his pain whenever he was at their apartment. He noticed Dean out of the corner of his eye staring at him and when he made eye contact, Dean looked away. Castiel’s eyes flashed back to Jess. “How are you?”

After dividing up the food while getting plates and drinks, they all sat in the living room and Sam put on _Guardians of the Galaxy_.

Castiel didn’t mind that Dean took a seat next to him on the couch, in fact, he barely registered on his radar as he finally was able to eat his burger and take his first bite. He turned to look at Dean when he heard chuckles from him.

“Are you gonna eat it or make out with it?” Dean said, playfully.

“What?” Castiel asked.

“You were kinda moaning there.”

“Oh my god,” Castiel groaned and his cheeks blushed with embarrassment. He tried to think of an excuse because Dean just didn’t get how satisfying it was to finally eat a favorite food again after years of abstaining from it. In-N-Out was just so good and he put his burger back down on his plate. “Look,”

“I’m not judging, man. Just wondering,” Dean teased and his smile still hadn’t left.

“Well, thanks for the concern,” Castiel smirked, letting his knee bump Dean’s before he went back to his burger.

After everyone finished, they focused on the movie and a debate on who was the best character ensued. It was a tie between Groot, Star-Lord, and Gamora but after a while, Castiel pulled out a blanket out from the inside of the ottoman and sank further into the leather couch.

“What do you think, Cas?”

Castiel turned to Dean, and he could just tell from his eyes that his friend seemed so invested in the debate, so he just shrugged. Dean groaned as his hand shot up in defeat then turned to Sam to continue the debate.

Castiel laughed. “You know some of us are trying to actually watch the movie!”

“Next time, I’m bringing Charlie,” Dean huffed, finally admitting defeat. “She understands and will smoke you with all her knowledge.”

“We can’t wait,” Jess called from her seat with playful sarcasm.

Castiel’s amused smile stayed as he tried to focus his attention back on the movie. Meg was right, he needed to get out more often.


	12. Chapter 12

“Hey, Cas. Wake up, man.” Dean tried again as he peered over Castiel in front of the sofa. _Guardians of the Galaxy_ had finished an hour ago and they were in the middle of _Kill Bill Volume 2_ when Dean heard the soft snores next to him. He took that as the signal to call it a night. One of Jess’ afghans covered Castiel, all the way pulled up to his chin, and Dean almost felt guilty until he watched Castiel slowly wake up. A smile tugged at his lips as he watched Castiel frown while his brows furrowed. “You ready to leave?”

“Dean,” Castiel began, his voice low and rougher from misuse. “We haven’t watched _Kill Bill_ yet.”

“We’ve watched half of _Kill Bill_ but you’ve been sleeping. You fell asleep just as _Guardians of the Galaxy_ ended.”

Castiel rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and sat up, “What time is it?”

“About,” Dean glanced down at his watch. “eleven-thirty.”

“Alright, just give me a little time to get up.” Castiel sighed then ran a hand through his hair.

“Okay, I’m gonna go to the bathroom real quick then we can go,”

When Castiel nodded and covered a yawn with the back of his hand, Dean made his way out of the living room and into the hallway. He had his hand on the bathroom door knob when Sam walked out of the master bedroom, closing the door behind him.

“Did you finally wake him up?”

“Yeah, he’s up,” Dean replied, turning to his brother.

Sam nodded. “Well, I’m glad you guys came. It was fun and I didn’t even know you were really friends with Castiel.”

“Yeah, he’s cool,” Dean hummed. He desperately needed the conversation to end because he really did need to pee, but he also didn’t need Sam talking about his “friendship” with Castiel. It was a rude reminder of a few days ago when he learned that Castiel attended his ex-husband’s law firm banquet and the fact still confused Dean more than he’d like to admit. “We’ll do it again.”

Dean walked into the bathroom before Sam could reply and thoughts of Castiel immediately clogged his mind when he shut the door. He liked being friends with Castiel, that wasn’t the problem, but the fact that Castiel went to an event with Balthazar while he was still trying to figure out when he should make a move, frustrated him.

He still remembered the disastrous cluster fuck that was their bowling experience too. He remembered because he was the reason that Castiel was laid up with food poisoning for a week and he hadn’t found an excuse for his terrible decision on picking a salad at a bowling alley concession yet.

Dean also couldn’t get the look of distress on Castiel’s face out of his mind after he vomited and put a hand on his arm. Dean hadn’t touched him since.

For the first couple weeks, Dean wasn’t sure what to think of it. His mind flipped from a past injury that Castiel was still healing from to some horrific abusive past that he accidentally rehashed that moment.

It was silly, he knew, and he had heard too many bad manuscript plots from Charlie at lunch that made his mind go wild with ideas, but he wasn’t about to cause the same look on Castiel again.

So he was clueless as to how to make his first move and on top of that, Dean wasn’t even sure if he should make a move after finding out about Castiel’s outing with Balthazar. While his face scrunched up in disgust as the name passed through his mind, his thoughts screeched to a halt when he heard knocking on the door.

“Did you die in there?” Sam called.

Dean rolled his eyes as he flushed the toilet and made his way to the sink, turning on the faucet. He washed his hands quickly, dried them on the hand towel hung up next to the sink then opened the door.

Dean sighed when he was greeted by Sam. “Can’t I get a little privacy?”

“At my house?” Sam asked with a teasing grin. “No, of course not.”

“So, did you have any reason to stand right outside the door or..?”

“Castiel looks like he’s going to fall back to sleep and Jess wants to go to bed,” Sam said as Jess walked out of the bedroom, already wearing pajamas while her hair was tied up in a bun.

Dean nodded then walked down the hallway and into the living room. His eyes flashed to Castiel on the sofa and watched as he rubbed his collar bone. Dean frowned when he noticed the same distressed expression.

“I told him not to ask stupid questions,” Castiel sighed as he looked up at Dean, hand falling back into his lap.

“Hey, none of my questions were stupid!” Sam defended. Dean’s eyes stayed on Castiel as the other smirked.

They said their goodbyes at the door and Dean tried not to stare as Jess hugged Castiel then whispered something into his ear that made him laugh.

He followed Castiel out of the apartment and down to the Impala, turning on music when they slid in. Silence filled the car between them as Dean drove and he wondered what he should say to break it.

Although Dean’s skin itched as the silence continued, he knew Castiel was fine with sitting in silence. Most of the time when Dean picked out another movie to watch on Netflix, Castiel would just watch while he ate a snack as he flipped through titles.

If John was still around, Dean knew that he would give him hell for not making a move yet, not being aggressive and taking a chance like a man.

He always did, at least with women, but this was different. It was Castiel. John would make his life a living hell if he was still alive and knew. Dean sighed.

“Are you alright?”

Dean looked over at Castiel, his face only illuminated by the street lamps outside and took in the warmth pooling into his typically cool, blue eyes. He knew that look, he had seen it when Castiel reassured him that his marketing ideas were good enough for _Olive & Wine_ and, therefore, Ruby.

“Yeah,” Dean said then turned back to the road. “So, do you have any plans for this weekend?”

“I’m picking Emmi up tomorrow and will spend most of the day working but on Sunday we’re going to the farmers market, so I have a pretty exciting weekend ahead of me.” Dean could hear Castiel’s smile. “What about you?”

“A whole lot of nothing. I like winding down after spending a whole week with Ruby, you know?”

“She’s quite the handful,” Castiel agreed. “But if you’re not busy on Sunday, would you want to go to the farmers market with us? I could show you what spices I use for my quinoa.”

“Sounds fun,” Dean teased.

“If you don’t want to come, you don’t have to.”

Dean mentally kicked himself and tried again. “No, no. It sounds fun. What time?”

“It opens at nine-thirty, so could I pick you up at nine or is that too early?”

“No, that’s fine,” Dean replied and glanced over at Castiel then back at the road. He still looked so good, even in a zip hoodie and a band t-shirt. “I’ll just text you my address when I get home.”

The conversation became easier after that as Dean gave him the highlights of the hour that they watched of _Kill Bill Volume 2_ and Castiel couldn’t help but give him shit about not waking him up for the movie.

“If only you woke me up, I’d really understand the plot and why Beatrix did what she did.” Castiel sighed as he looked out the passenger window then over to Dean and sighed again. “If only.”

“Maybe next time try not to fall asleep, old man,” Dean smiled as he pulled into Castiel’s driveway and he laughed when he took in Castiel’s mocked surprise.

“I’m not old, Dean,” While Castiel tried to keep a straight face, a smile slipped a moment later. “I just turned forty last year.”

“Yeah, and when is your birthday?”

“September 18th,”

Dean nodded slowly as his lips pursed and fell back into the lazy grin. “So, in what, a month and a half? You’ll be forty-one. You’re basically in absolute middle-age. No going back now.”

Castiel shook his head and his smile stayed as he asked. “And how old are you?”

“I turned thirty-seven this January, so I have a long time before I have to worry about falling asleep in the middle of movies.”

“Well, you’re lucky,” Castiel sighed. “Soon enough, you have to deal with aches and pains, gray hair, and wrinkles.” Castiel eyed Dean for a moment too long and Dean tried not to stare at his piercing blue eyes as he did so. He also tried not to shift his gaze to Castiel’s full, pink lips. Dean snapped out of it when Castiel continued. “I see you have a few crows feet and some other wrinkles so don’t be alarmed when you wake up and look like this.”

Dean watched as Castiel motioned to his face and he knew he should have laughed, but the dumb son of a bitch was attractive even with all his wrinkles. Hell, he was sure that Castiel would look even sexier with salt and pepper hair.

He took in Castiel’s crows feets and laugh lines next, Ellen told him that people with heavy lines probably lived a life fuller than others, and warmth filled his chest. He liked them.

“I am so lucky,” Dean chuckled.

“You are,” Castiel said as his smile softened and put his hand on the door handle. “I’ll see you Sunday at nine, then?”

“Yeah, Sunday. I’ll text you my address.”

Castiel nodded. “Alright, I’ll see you Sunday. Have a nice night, Dean.”

“You too,” Dean said as Castiel got out of the Impala. He stayed in the driveway until Castiel unlocked the front door and stepped inside his home.

Dean let Castiel fill his thoughts as he jerked off in the shower that night. While he wasn’t sure if it was right to let Castiel filter his visions as someone to get off to, he swore to himself that he was going to do something about it.

***

Dean’s favorite bar was ten minutes away from his condo and he was sure that it was his favorite because of that reason. The music was good, the beer was cheap, and the bartenders were usually gruff older men that he would joke around with or hot women that he would flirt with.

The bar was covered with license plates from all fifty states, pictures from different times in history that never really seemed to go with the decor, and old photographs from the early days of the place. Dean slid onto one of the stools at the dark wood counter and waved the bartender over.

“Haven’t seen you in a while,” Frank commented.

“It’s been a week,” Dean smirked.

Frank returned the smile. Although the older man was covered in tattoos, husky, and probably an inch or two taller than Sam, he was one of the kindest bartenders that Dean knew. Frank always kept an eye on the drunks and stepped in whenever a man cornered a very drunk woman to try to get her to go home with him.

Frank nodded. “True, miss seein’ your face around here, though. You want the usual or just a beer?”

“I’ll have the usual and I’ve just been busy with work and all. The author we’re working with is demanding as hell,” Dean hummed. It was true, Ruby had been busting his balls since production began, but it was more because he started going to Castiel’s after work rather than the bar. He wasn’t going to tell Frank that, though. Dean placed two wadded up bills on the counter once Frank came back with his whiskey on the rocks. “Thanks.”

Dean sipped the drink slowly as he mulled over the situation with Castiel. Although they had only been hanging out for a few months, they quickly became friends because of their shared interests.

They liked the same books, television shows, and movies. They both liked fast food and worked at the same company. Castiel indulged him in his nerdy tendencies, something Sam would tease him for because apparently being a nerd that read law books late into the night was different. Castiel almost understood him as well as Charlie did.

Charlie was right. Castiel was nice, interesting, and had piercing blue eyes and Dean wanted to vomit because of it. None of it seemed to matter because Castiel was clearly busy doing something with his ex.

He sighed and took a gulp of his whiskey, feeling the drink sting his throat and warm his stomach as it went down.

Dean also knew Castiel liked nature and science documentaries that he always tried not to fall asleep to. Castiel liked kale, quinoa, and yoga. He listened to crappy folk songs and had a daughter.

As Dean listed their differences in his head and finished his drink, he came to the conclusion that they would never work.

“Hey Frank, pour me another, will ya?” Dean said as he set his empty glass on the counter.

Dean ordered two more drinks and eyed the women that played pool across the room. In the back of his mind, Dean knew that he was getting too old to pick up women at the local watering hole but it was a hard habit that he couldn’t quit. Mostly because the women were easy, beautiful, and gravitated to him for some reason or another.

Dean focused on the dark brunette for a while and when she finally lifted her gaze off the pool table to him, he smiled lazily. She returned it, whispered something to one of her girlfriends as she gave her pool stick to them, and walked up to him.

“Well, hello there,” Her voice was smooth and dreamy and Dean could already tell that she knew a thing or two. His kind of woman. “I’m Scarlett and you are?”

Dean’s eyes flashed to her outstretched hand and shook it then cleared his throat. “Dean,”

“Dean, it’s nice to meet you,” Scarlett smiled as she slid on a stool. “Hello, Frank, dear, one dry martini with one olive. Do you want anything?”

“Uh, just another beer,”

“Got it,” Frank called from the other end of the bar.

He stayed at the bar with Scarlett for another hour as they nursed their drinks. Dean learned that she was a math professor at the local community college, preferred _Guns N’ Roses_ to _AC/DC_ , and backpacked India last year with her best friend. When their conversation drifted off, Scarlett gave Frank two bills before Dean had the chance.

“Do you have a problem with the woman paying, Dean?” Scarlett’s voice was sharp and low.

Dean flicked his eyes to Frank for a moment, watched his brows raise before he smirked and walked to the other side of the bar. He felt a ball of intimation sit in his throat until he swallowed, focusing on Scarlett’s hazel eyes.

“Of course not.”

Dean brought her home and their lips never parted as he locked the door behind them while she dropped her purse to the floor. He took a step back from Scarlett and glanced up the stairs then back to her. She nodded promptly and jumped onto Dean, wrapping her legs around his waist and arms around his neck.

He grinned and ran as quickly as he could up the stairs, Scarlett yelping in delight whenever he kissed her neck in a haste. Dean poured her onto his bed and took her in. Scarlett was everything he wanted in a woman: petite, dark hair, and big breasts. She was also vivacious as hell.

Dean pulled off his clothes and watched as she did the same then he leaned into her as he let his hands travel as they kissed. The sex was incredible and Scarlett was just what he needed.

***

Dean woke up Sunday morning to an empty bed and a note on his bedside. He rolled over to his nightstand and took the small, yellow paper to read it.

_Dean,_

_Last night was fun and you’re great in bed. Maybe we’ll see each other again. Thanks for the night._

_-Scarlett_

Dean smirked and sat the note back down on his nightstand, almost letting himself close his eyes and fall back to sleep until he remembered that it was Sunday.

“Shit,” Dean cursed as he grabbed his phone to check the time. 8:34 AM. “Shit, shit, shit.”

He threw the covers off and got out of bed as quickly as he could to start the shower. Dean leaned on the bathroom counter for support as the shower ran hot, feeling the blood rush to his head. He ran a hand through his hair and closed his eyes, hoping it would help the dizziness.

Dean took a fast shower and felt exhaustion hit him when he stepped out. He checked his phone again after he pulled on a pair of jeans and t-shirt. 8:46 AM. Dean felt relief wash over him as he walked into the kitchen to brew a pot of coffee.

Dean made a pot of coffee and finished getting ready. He poured a cup of coffee for himself once he was finished and let himself sink into his couch, the warm smell of his drink filling his nose and helping him wake up.

As he took his first sip, his phone buzzed on the coffee table. Dean grabbed and saw a message from Castiel telling him that he arrived. The time had just turned nine a few seconds ago, so he gulped down the rest of his coffee while trying to ignore how hot it was, as he walked to the sink.

Dean set his mug in the sink, grabbed his keys and wallet then slipped on his shoes before walking out the door.

“Hey,” Dean greeted as he slid into the passenger seat then turned to Emmi in the backseat. “Hey Emmi, are you excited for the farmers market?”

“Yeah, I like the cinnamon bread we buy and I want to see the chickens first. They’re my favorite.”

“Wow, chickens. You’ll have to show me them.” Dean smiled as Castiel backed out of the driveway and out of the neighborhood.

“Emmi, no matter how many times we look at them, we’re not going to buy any.”

Dean smirked as he turned back to his seat.

“She’s been obsessed with the chickens there for months,” Castiel informed as turned down the music, some kind of folk song, and glanced at Emmi through the rearview mirror. “But you know, Emmi, chickens aren’t like cats or even dogs. They’re a lot of work and are noisy. Do you think our neighbors, especially Mrs. Pruett, would like that?”

“Mrs. Pruett’s dog is noisy,”

Dean had seen Mrs. Pruett a few times out on her porch when he waited for Castiel to let him inside. She had to be pushing ninety.

“Emmi,”

“Does that mean we can get a dog?” Emmi asked.

When Castiel sighed, Dean chuckled. “Not an animal person?”

“No, I love animals. It’s just they’re a lot of work, you know,” Castiel said. Dean realized that he probably recited the same points over to Emmi countless times. They were probably ingrained in his memory. Castiel flexed his fingers then wrapped them around the steering wheel again. “Maybe in a few years.”

“Really?!” Emmi squealed in the back seat.

“If you’re good,” Castiel hummed as a smile formed when he glanced back at his daughter again.

Emmi dominated the conversation for rest of the drive with talk about her potential pet and regardless of how many times Castiel reminded her that they wouldn’t introduce a pet in their life anytime soon, she kept rattling off possibilities.

First, she wanted a dog then she changed her mind and wanted a cat then she wanted a rabbit, and finally, she decided she wanted all three. Emmi only quieted down when they pulled into the parking lot and pointed at her window.

“The chickens are over there, Dean. We can name them together!”

“She names them every time we come since they usually have new chicks and chickens each time,” Castiel said as they both slipped out of the car.

Castiel opened the back door for Emmi and grabbed a cloth bag as she slid out, waiting for him afterward. Dean watched the scene and noticed how in sync they were.

They had probably been here so many times that the actions didn’t even register. Dean followed them into the market and walked next to Castiel with Emmi only a few feet ahead of them.

“I only have to buy a few things, so this won’t take too long,” Castiel said as he pulled out a list from his pocket and looked at it then back to Dean.

“Take all the time you need,” Dean replied, his eyes taking in the booths and people they passed.

“Dean, here are the chickens!”

Emmi was already standing next to the chicken coop when they arrived. The white coop had six chickens, three white, two black, and one brown, and Emmi immediately squatted down when she noticed them.

“I think this one is an Abigail,” Emmi pointed at the brown chicken then looked up at Dean. “What do you think?”

“Dean,” Castiel began, placing a hand on Dean’s left shoulder. “Will you be fine with watching her while I go to that tent?”

Dean followed Castiel’s gaze to the tent then back at him. Damn, his eyes were so blue. He mentally kicked himself for the thought because he needed to focus and they were just friends. Just friends.

“Yeah, we’ll be here naming chickens,” Dean smiled. Castiel smiled softly, and he tried not to think about how cute it was, then left for the tent.

Dean turned back to Emmi and squatted down next to her. He pointed to one of the black chickens. “That one looks like an Oreo,”

“Oreo,” Emmi repeated, testing the name out. She nodded then eyed the other black chicken. “And the other one is Midnight.”

They took turns naming the last three chickens, Dean naming one Zep, Emmi naming one Starlight, and deciding on Kansas for the last before silence fell between them. Dean glanced over his shoulder and saw Castiel at the cash register, passing bills to the man behind it.

“I think daddy would like a pet,”

Dean turned back to Emmi. “You think?”

“Yeah, he loves Callie, she’s the cat at my papa’s, so I think he would like one.”

“They’re a lot of work, though,”

“I know, but I’m seven now. I can help out,” Emmi continued. “I think he won’t get one because of his pain. But cats are easy, they only poop in a litterbox. I could help take care of it.”

“I’m sure you could, but I think it would be better to help your dad out and wait until he’s ready for one too. Besides, naming chickens isn’t so bad,”

Emmi’s lips grew into a smile. “Yeah, I guess.”

“So, what names did you decide on?” Castiel asked as he came up behind them.

They both stood up and Emmi listed the names, pointing at each of the chickens and Castiel nodded in approval when she was finished.

“Those are great names,” Castiel said as he ran a hand through Emmi’s hair.

“Yeah, we thought so,” Dean said and smiled at Emmi. She returned it as Castiel took out his list again.

“Well, we only have a handful of more items,” Castiel informed as he looked up from the list. “And then we’ll be finished.”

Dean quickly realized that Castiel knew his way around the farmers market. They easily slipped passed countless people, Castiel grabbed the fruit or vegetable he wanted without disturbing the people crowding the boxes, and he always had the exact amount of cash out that he needed before he got up to the cash register.

He even taught Dean how to slip past people once the market began livelier because he wanted to keep an eye on Emmi.

“Is this it?” Dean asked as he handed Castiel two organic soap bars.

“Yes,” Castiel said as he eyed the bars then looked at Dean. “Thank you for getting them.”

Dean tried to squish the warmth that grew in his stomach because just grabbed some soap. Besides some organic, handmade soap was just like Castiel and not like him at all. Dean bought his soap at Target like a normal guy, not at a farmers market that would charge Castiel ten dollars a bar.

“Dean, are you alright?”

Dean was pulled out of his thoughts. “Huh?”

“You were spacing out there for a second,” Castiel hummed as he folded his receipt. ”We have one more place then we’ll be finished.”

“Sounds good,” Dean nodded then followed Castiel back into the organized chaos.

Harriet’s Honey was their final stop. The tent had multiple products from shampoo and soap to raw honey in jars with homemade labels. Castiel grabbed two jars and handed a loaf of cinnamon honey bread for Emmi to carry then got in line.

Dean eyed the sign on the checkout table that told the story of the vendor and listed that all their products were certified natural and organic as the line shuffled closer to the cash register.

“It’s nice to see you again, Castiel, how’s your fibro treating you?”

Dean’s ears perked up and he looked up from the sign to Harriet and Castiel. Castiel put the two jars and loaf on the table then handed her a few bills.

“It’s alright, and thankfully much better than a couple weeks ago,” Castiel replied.

Dean remembered how bad Castiel was a couple weeks ago because he was in a terrible mood and wore the same sweatpants and Los Angeles Marathon t-shirt for the week Dean delivered files. He had been so happy when Castiel was back to his normal self a week later.

“Well, I’m glad. Hopefully, it’ll stay that way,” Harriet smiled and handed him a receipt. “I was missing my favorite customer.”

“And Emmi missed your bread,” Castiel joked as he put the jars in his bag. Emmi nodded vigorously at Harriet which made her laugh. “I don’t think we’ll be missing the farmers market anytime soon.”

“Then I’ll see you in a couple weeks?”

“Definitely,” Castiel said and handed Emmi the loaf of bread then gave her a smile. “I’ll see you soon, Harriet.”

“Bye, Castiel,” Harriet smiled.

Dean watched the scene with amusement then followed Castiel and Emmi out of the tent.

“Have you had raw honey, Dean?” Castiel asked as they walked to the car. “It’s a great source of antioxidants and filled with phytonutrients. It can’t really help with allergies, though, despite popular belief which is quite a shame because-,”

“So, Harriet?”

Castiel’s brows knitted together when they arrived at the car. He opened the car door for Emmi and sat the bag down by her feet once she got in. Dean was still smirking when Castiel shut the door and looked at him.

“What do you mean?”

“She likes you,” Dean said as they slipped into the car. Castiel still seemed confused as he started the car and backed out of the parking space. “She kept smiling, told you that you’re her favorite customer and that she didn’t want you to miss another one of these things,”

“She was just being nice. Harriet’s always like that.” Castiel informed while he changed the radio station to classical.

“At least tell me she’s giving you a discount because twenty-five dollars for two jars of honey and bread is pretty steep,” Dean went on. “Are you going to tell her that you’re gay?”

“Dean,” Castiel hummed. It was the same tone that he used with Emmi.

Dean let it go and turned his attention to the music as Castiel drove out of the parking lot then turned right.

“Can I have a piece of bread now?” Emmi asked from the back seat.

“And what did she say about. Uh,” Dean stuttered because the word felt foreign on his lips. “Fibro?”

“How about lunch?” Castiel asked as he glanced at Emmi in the rearview mirror then over to Dean. “Would you want to get lunch?”

They decided on Harvelle’s Roadhouse. While Dean was surprised that Castiel agreed because of what happened last time, Emmi was excited to finally get her chicken nuggets.

Dean instructed Castiel on where to park and reassured him that no one would slash his tires in broad daylight as they walked up to the restaurant.

Dean recognized a few familiar faces when they walked in and chose a booth. As Castiel slid in after Emmi and Dean sat on the opposite side, he smiled when he saw Ellen walking over to them with three menus.

“Hi Dean,” Ellen greeted then turned to Castiel with a smile. “And Castiel, right? I’m happy that we didn’t scare you off.”

“Of course, you didn’t, besides, Emmi really wants those chicken nuggets.” Castiel looked over at Emmi as she nodded.

“I’ll get them out to you as soon as I can then,” Ellen said as she gave passed around the menus and a coloring sheet with crayons for Emmi. “Can I get you started with some drinks?”

After they ordered their drinks, they turned their attention to their menus. Dean looked through the lunch specials and the sides, but he already knew what he wanted. He’d order a bacon cheeseburger with fries like every time.

He glanced up from his menu and over at Castiel, noticing his furrowed brows and concentration as he studied the menu.

Castiel was probably trying to find something gluten-free, organic, or at least had the word natural in front of it. While he was like Sam in his eating habits, Castiel was way less annoying about it. Dean could always eat junk food while they watched movies without any criticism from Castiel. He liked that.

It was a nice change of pace from Sam who made it his mission to rattle off all the chemicals and trans fat in his food.

Emmi filtered the conversation with talk of the chickens until Ellen came back with drinks. She took their orders, Castiel decided on a cobb salad without bacon, and grabbed their menus, giving Dean a wink when she scurried off. Dean’s brows knitted in confusion then looked over at Castiel.

He put his black straw in his water then took a sip and Dean watched as he flexed his fingers then put his hands in his lap.

“So,” Dean began and wondered if he should bring it up again. “Fibro? Is that a disease?”

Castiel smiled softly at his questions then shook his head. “No, fibromyalgia is a chronic pain disorder and it’s why you started delivering files to me.”

Dean nodded slowly as he took that in. It made sense, a chronic pain disorder, and it would explain why Castiel rubbed at his lower back and shoulders or texted him whenever he didn’t want him to come over. But he had never even heard of it before.

After spending countless nights at Sam’s, he thought that he had heard every disease and illness out there because of Jess. Dean mulled it over then took a drink of his beer.

“Is that why you rub at your back so often?”

Ellen came over with their food then and gave Emmi a knowing smile when she set the plate of chicken nuggets and fries in front of her. Emmi grabbed one and bit into it, humming in satisfaction then grabbed the ketchup bottle. Ellen left after asking if they needed anything else to give them privacy.

“Yes,” Castiel said as he took his fork and mixed his salad.

“Is that why you use heating pads?”

“Yes,”

“So, you’re in pain constantly? As in, right now?” Dean asked. He still hadn’t touched his burger and when he looked over at Emmi, she seemed content with her lunch. She probably already knew all of this, at least that her dad dealt with pain, considering she talked to him about it earlier. “What does it feel like?”

“Yes, I’m constantly in pain,” Castiel said then took a bite of his salad and covered his mouth as he explained. “I’m not constantly in the excruciating pain you’re most likely thinking of. It’s like..,” Castiel finished his bite and sat his fork down. “Can you think back to when the last time when you had the flu?” While Dean hadn’t had the flu in three years, it laid him up in bed for a week and a half. It was hell and Dean had gotten his flu shot ever since. Dean nodded. “Well, I feel like that every day.”

“Wow, that sounds like that worst,” Dean said. He took a bite of his burger and watched Castiel smirk. “What?”

“It’s just nice to have someone accept it,” Castiel shrugged then took another bite of his salad.

***

Dean paid for lunch, citing that Castiel probably spent so much already at the farmers market, and thanked Castiel for inviting him when they arrived back at his condo. He even told Emmi that they had to name some chickens sometime soon before slipping out of Castiel’s Lincoln, letting Castiel deal with her talk of chickens that inevitably ensued.

Dean laughed at the playful glare that Castiel shot him as he walked away from the car and waved at the two as he walked away. When Dean closed his front door behind him, his mind went straight to a nap. It was mid-afternoon now, he had eaten a heavy lunch, and hadn’t gotten much sleep the night before but he found himself on his laptop on the couch instead.

Dean also found himself typing: ‘fibromyalgia’ in the search bar of Google Chrome and was overwhelmed by all of the results after hitting enter. _About 15,600,000 results (0.42 seconds)._

“Holy crap,” Dean hummed under his breath. He sunk deeper into the couch and read the first couple results.

 **Fibromyalgia - Mayo Clinic**  
www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/fibromyalgia/.../con-20019243  
Mayo Clinic  
**Fibromyalgia** is a disorder characterized by widespread musculoskeletal pain accompanied by fatigue, sleep, memory and mood issues. Researchers believe ...  
Symptoms - Treatments and drugs - Complications - Causes

 **Questions and Answers About Fibromyalgia**  
www.niams.nih.gov/.../fibrom...  
National Institute of Arthritis and Musculoskeletal and...  
**Fibromyalgia** syndrome is a common and chronic disorder characterized by widespread pain, diffuse tenderness, and a number of other symptoms. The word “fibromyalgia” comes from the Latin term for fibrous tissue (fibro) and the Greek ones for muscle (myo) and pain (algia).

Dean’s eyes flickered across the screen at the other results, all similar to the first two, then to the right side and to the picture of the woman with her hands on her lower back and collar bone. Dean had seen Castiel do the same things so many times that it hurt. Everything seemed to be clicking all at once.

Dean read down the box. Fibromyalgia caused widespread muscle pain and tenderness, affected about three million, and couldn’t be cured. He even chuckled when he read that it could affect mood.

It made all the glares that Castiel gave him when he came over and didn’t feel well, regardless if they were intentional or not, make so much more sense.

Dean scrolled through the results and read countless articles. He even found himself reading a few blogs and frowned more than once when he read about the difficulties that some had with it. He wondered if Castiel dealt with the same things.

He finally checked the time when his stomach growled as he watched a fibromyalgia Q&A YouTube video. 9:18 PM.

“Damn,” Dean closed his laptop and set it on the coffee table. He had been online for six hours, something he hadn’t done since _Dr. Sexy M.D._ came on Netflix.

He sighed and stood up from the couch, stretching before going into the kitchen to find something to eat. Dean grabbed some things for a sandwich and mulled over everything he learned as he prepared it.

After years of thinking that Castiel was a weird shut-in while Charlie took it a step further and decided that he was probably a vampire, he finally learned the truth.

Castiel had fibromyalgia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why this chapter focused so heavily on chickens. Anyway, comments are appreciated and loved!


	13. Chapter 13

Castiel watched as Ruby paced around his office and felt the pain in his lower back pulse while his eyes followed her across the room. She abruptly stopped then turned to him and for a moment, Castiel thought that she had a spark of clarity but her eyes hardened into a glare instead.

“Castiel, he needs to be fired,” Ruby crossed her arms over her chest. “He’s incompetent and delaying the process.”

“I’m not firing Kevin. He’s young and new, yes, but he is still a great editor and helps moves things along,” Castiel eyed the time on his computer monitor and his eyes softened when he saw that he still had a few minutes until his lunch break. When Ruby huffed, he tried again. “I’ll talk to him, alright?”

Ruby pursed her lips as she considered it. “I don’t want him editing anything else.”

“Fine,” Castiel sighed then watched her walk out of the room, letting the door slam behind her.

Castiel took a deep breath and ran his hands over his face before he looked back at the time. He only had two more minutes until his lunch break that he desperately yearned for about three hours ago.

While he counted down the minutes, he tried not to think about the consequences of essentially freeing Kevin of most of his responsibilities in a quick haste because of the irritation that always grew when he spoke with Ruby.

The stresses of production were getting to Castiel. He could feel it when Ruby barged into his office with something new to criticize, when one of the editors needed more guidance from him because they were too afraid to talk to Ruby, and in his muscles that radiated with pain when he thought of everything he still needed to accomplish before the release.

He always hated the midpoint of the process because it meant more responsibilities, tasks, and potential slip ups, but Zachariah consistently reminded him that it was a necessary evil that the company had to go through for every book.

It was true, Castiel knew, and it was better than pushing off tasks until the very end which they couldn’t do anyway, so he just had to deal. He usually did, even with the four books that rotated through the office last year, but this was different and he didn’t know why. But he could feel it. Castiel had felt it for three days now and the pain didn’t seem to be ending anytime soon.

While it was worse than his daily pain, it was still constant. Castiel tried not to overextend himself too much, but it was hard while working with Ruby. She was demanding and no matter how many projects he divided between the departments, there was always something else that he had to deal with.

Castiel looked over at the time again and relief washed over him when he saw that it was one. He stood up slowly, rubbed his lower back for a few moments and relished in the small comfort it gave him before he headed into the lunchroom

Castiel began eating lunch with Dean, Charlie, and Garth about two weeks after the food poisoning incident and for the first couple weeks, it was a bit awkward for him. Castiel was never that great with small talk and he wished he could say that he slowly got over that quirk, but it was mostly Charlie’s friendly demeanor that helped him get out of his shell.

Since Charlie watched the same television shows Castiel did, she always brought them up at lunch and even suggested that they get together to watch the new episodes of _Game of Thrones_. Charlie was nice and enthusiastic, so he quickly realized why Dean was such good friends with her, but today was different. Castiel’s pain was worse and he had to get out of the office to clear his head.

Castiel’s mind flashed to Balthazar because they had discussed the possibility of him going to Balthazar’s law firm during his lunch break a few times. While it had been mentioned in a couple text messages here and there, it still hadn’t happened. Castiel was going to change that today.

When he walked into the lunchroom, Dean, Charlie, and Garth were already at the table and he easily grabbed his lunch from the refrigerator and almost made his way out of the room when he heard Garth behind him.

“Hey, Cas, are you gonna eat with us?”

Castiel swallowed slowly as he turned around and wondered what to say. In the back of his mind, he knew that he didn’t have anything to hide, but eating lunch together had become sort of a tradition.

“No,” Castiel hummed as he looked at Dean, he still had his sandwich in his hands, then looked back at Garth. “I’m going out today.”

“Have fun!” Charlie waved. She bumped Dean’s shoulder and he immediately nodded, smiling closed lipped with a mouth full of food.

Castiel smiled softly at the three then walked out of the lunchroom. When he slid into his Lincoln, he set his lunch bag onto the passenger seat and headed to Balthazar’s law firm.

Years ago, surprising Balthazar at work during his lunch break had been the norm. Castiel always loved the happy surprised look on Balthazar’s face and spending an extra hour during his work day with the love of his life even if it was just to eat sandwiches and talk about mundane things.

When Castiel arrived at the law firm, he parked in the visitor's parking, in between a blue BMW and black Bentley, then checked his hair in the sun visor. He frowned when he noticed the heavy bags under his eyes. While Castiel always had trouble sleeping which usually resulted in him feeling more fatigued than refreshed, he never noticed how haggard he looked.

Castiel touched them and frowned, trying not to notice the other wrinkles that deepened in the process. He wondered if he always looked this way or if it was just today, but he was sure that he would remember, and just looking at himself made him more tired.

Castiel straightened his tie and smoothed down his hair before closing the sun visor to turn his attention to his suit pants to pick off any fuzz. Although Castiel briefly wondered if he should check his hair again, a knock on his window pulled him out of his worried thoughts. He jumped slightly then looked up and smiled when he saw Jennifer.

“Hey! I hope I didn’t scare you,” Jennifer greeted with a smile once Castiel rolled down the window. “...but I was so happy to see you! I just got back from picking up some lunch.” Jennifer lifted up the bag from Tender Greens to show Castiel, “Are you here to see Balthazar?”

“Yes, I am." Castiel said. He grabbed his lunch bag, rolled up the window, and got out of the car. “The banquet last week was fine, by the way.”

Jennifer visibly cringed. “I feel so bad about missing it, but Henry caught a stomach bug and I couldn’t leave him.” While they walked side-by-side to the front door, she slowed down to his pace. “How are you feeling these days? Are you still against medication?”

Castiel rolled his eyes as Jennifer opened one of the glass doors.

“Yes, I’m still against being medicated up to my eyelids,” _Crowley & Roman LLP_ was the first thing he saw when they walked in and a small shiver ran up his spine.He had never liked Fergus Crowley or Dick Roman, the heads of the law firm, and they never seemed to like him either. Castiel was positive that it was because, after countless times of Balthazar referring to him as ‘Cassie’ or ‘his partner’, they were less than pleased that when they met him and realized ‘Cassie’ was short for Castiel and not Cassandra. He pressed the top button next to the elevator. “And my pain is manageable.”

“But?”

“But the author we’re working with is most likely possessed by Satan or at least by a demon,” Castiel sighed. The elevator dinged as the up arrow lit up above it and the doors opened a moment later. They walked in and Jennifer pushed a button while Castiel kept his hand gripped on the silver railing. “She’s so difficult to work with and she’s adding all of this unneeded stress in my life which-”

“Which affects how you feel.” Jennifer said and she smiled at his soft eyes. “Why don’t you take a vacation after this is all over? You and Balthazar could go somewhere tropical.” Although Castiel rolled his eyes, his smile still stayed. “How are you two anyway? It was a shit show the last time I saw you two together.”

Castiel immediately knew what Jennifer was referring to and the night flashed through his mind. It was years ago, Emmi was about seven months old at the time, and he and Balthazar decided to go on a double date with her and Ross. It was a nice change of scenery from the diapers and pacifiers and Balthazar seemed so relieved to finally get out of the routine for a night.

Castiel remembered that he wouldn’t let go of Emmi when the babysitter, Melissa, came. He kept her in his arms as he explained everything to Melissa even though there was already a sheet on the counter that was filled top-to-bottom with instructions. Castiel remembered that he kissed Emmi four times before they left and he remembered that his lower back ached during the entire car ride to the restaurant.

He remembered that he was tired. While it was a few months before his fibromyalgia turned for the worst, the general aches and brain fog had already started. He remembered that he pegged his fatigue on Emmi. But he was happy because he got to spend the evening with Balthazar and his friends.

Castiel remembered that when they arrived and greeted Jennifer and Ross, Jennifer’s hug hurt. He had to reread the menu three times to comprehend everything and let Balthazar lead the conversation because words escaped him. Castiel knew it was embarrassing for Balthazar, he hinted at it few times at home, so he tried his best to not let it show.

Balthazar’s irritation was practically radiating off of him once dinner drifted to an end because Castiel’s brain fog got the better of him and he remembered that Jennifer and Ross looked so confused by it. When they walked out to their cars and Ross suggested that they get dessert somewhere else, Castiel declined but Balthazar wouldn’t budge.

He wanted to stay out because, for the first time in seven months, he didn’t have responsibility and in hindsight Castiel knew that he should have let Balthazar go with Jennifer and Ross.

Castiel begged to go home instead.

He reasoned that they could go out another time, it wasn’t like the local frozen yogurt shop was going anywhere, and he was tired. He kept repeating the same points over and over until Balthazar lost his temper.

Castiel remembered that the words were cold and harsh and Balthazar kept going until Ross cut him off. He remembered Ross saying that it wasn’t that big of a deal because they could always get dessert another time. Castiel threw Jennifer a fleeting glance before they parted ways for the night. He wished that he hugged her.

Balthazar started up again when they got into the car and drove home. Castiel let him because he didn’t want to argue and just focused on the passing street lamps outside. He remembered that Emmi was already up in her crib asleep when they got home because he wanted to hold her. Castiel was so tired and when they went to bed, he remembered feeling so alone despite being only a few inches from Balthazar.

Castiel was pulled out of his thoughts when the elevator dinged and opened. “Well, it’s different now,”

Jennifer put her hand on his arm. “I’m happy for you. I’ll see you soon, alright? Maybe we can get together for coffee or something and catch up.”

“Definitely. I’d love that.”

“I’ll see you around, Castiel,” Jennifer smiled.

Castiel watched her go then let his eyes travel across the busy floor. He immediately noticed that the decor was different, long gone the dark wood and carpet, and was replaced with a more modern design. It felt colder and he listened to his footsteps on the white tile as he walked down the hall.

While he noticed a few familiar faces that smiled or gave him a quick wave, relief washed over him once he saw Andrew, Balthazar’s receptionist, in his cubicle outside of Balthazar’s office. Andrew had been Balthazar’s receptionist for as long as Castiel could remember and although Balthazar considered firing him a few times because he was too enthusiastic and slightly annoying, Castiel liked him.

“Oh my god, Castiel, is that you?” Andrew smiled. He walked out of his cubicle and hugged Castiel tightly. Castiel winced at the pressure and leaned out of the hug until Andrew got the hint and let his arms fall back to his sides. “I haven’t seen you in so long, how are you? Are you and Balthazar?”

“Balthazar and I are well. I’m actually here to surprise him for lunch.” Castiel explained. “How are you?”

“I’m great. I went to the Caribbean a few months ago and I started cycling at the gym but you know,” Andrew patted his chubby stomach. “I just love muffins too much. Maybe I’ll try pilates or boxing sometime soon.”

“Have you tried yoga? It’s a great workout,” Castiel watched as Andrew walked back into his cubicle and took a bite of his blueberry muffin. “..or some recipes. I have this quinoa recipe that’s a big hit and-"

“When does your lunch break end? It’s already one-twenty seven,” Andrew cut him off as he checked his watched before smiling again. “I’m sure Balthazar would love to see you.” 

“You’re probably right,” Castiel sighed. Maybe he was stalling because he wasn’t quite sure if Balthazar would like him surprising him like this. He wondered if they were at that point in their relationship. “It was nice to see you, Andrew.”

“Same to you, Castiel.”

Castiel turned to the doors of Balthazar’s office and saw that they were different too. Instead of deep cherry wood, they were frosted glass and he could make out two figures as he knocked on the door. One of them had to be Balthazar, he could tell by the height, and the thought sent warmth swirling to his stomach.

He took a deep breath and when he opened the door, his stomach dropped. Felix was there, hunched over Balthazar’s desk in intense concentration, and a wave of jealousy coursed through him.

Castiel liked to think that he was a rational man. He was, in retrospect, because he kept his emotions in check and was the voice of reason for Emmi when she was upset about something, for Ruby when something didn’t go exactly according to plan and in so many other instances in his life. Castiel liked that about himself, he liked being a rock for people, but watching Felix work so closely to Balthazar brought something else out in him.

Castiel cleared his throat and watched as Balthazar looked up, a look of confusion then happiness flashed across his face. “Cassie, hi! I wasn’t expecting you.”

“Is this a bad time?” Castiel asked as he watched Felix stand up and straighten his tie. He swallowed slowly and gripped his lunch bag tighter. “I thought we could have lunch together. I don’t have much time but-”

“No, no. It’s fine,” Balthazar stood up and looked at Felix. “Would you want to stay for lunch?”

Castiel’s brows furrowed as he looked between the two and another wave a jealousy pulsed through him. Although he didn’t know Felix and only met him once, something about him made his skin itch but he couldn’t put his finger on it.

“No, I couldn’t impose like that,” Felix hummed and looked over at Castiel with a small smile then back at Balthazar. He started tidying up his area and putting sheets in folders. “I’ll see you after your lunch break,”

“I’ll see you then,” Balthazar said, his eyes staying on Felix as he left.

While Felix smiled at Castiel when he passed him, he didn’t return it and when the door opened and closed, his jealousy slowly dissipated and comforted ease replaced it. Castiel walked over to Balthazar and around his desk, set his lunch bag down, and pulled him into a kiss. It was sweet and tender and everything he ever needed. Castiel fell into the kiss like all of the others until Balthazar pulled away from him, confusion across his face.

“What was that for?”

“I just..,” Castiel stuttered and his fatigue forced him back into reality. God, he needed to sit down. He walked to the chair on the other side of Balthazar’s desk and sat down, feeling his pain throb through him again. “I’ve missed you.”

“You’re so sweet,” Balthazar hummed then sat down in his chair and turned his attention to his computer. “I wish I could eat with you but I’m so busy.”

“Should I go?” Castiel asked. Maybe this was a bad idea because he hadn’t surprised Balthazar like this in so many years and maybe Balthazar forgot about their little tradition. He felt so stupid. “This was a bad idea.”

“What? No, no! Cassie, I want you here with me. Eat and tell me about your day.” Balthazar said.

“Well,” Castiel began as he grabbed his lunch bag and opened it. He took out his tupperware and plastic fork, opening the lid to eat his salad. “Ruby is still being difficult, I practically freed Kevin, one of our editors, from all responsibility today,”

“Why?”

“Ruby was irritating me so much today that it just sort of happened,” Castiel sighed. “And I’ve been feeling worse these past few days. I’ve been so tired and I think that had to contribute to the quick decision. This isn’t a flare, though, I can still accomplish things but I just feel so-,”

“Cassie,” Balthazar looked away from his computer and to Castiel. “Can we talk about something else? Do you want to hear about my case?”

Castiel took a moment then nodded, taking another bite of his salad before listening to Balthazar. While he didn’t understand most of the things Balthazar spoke about, because of the jargon, Balthazar seemed happy to be working so closely with his colleagues.

After a while of listening to Balthazar, Castiel let his mind wander and realized Margaret was right, talking to lawyers was like talking to dry wood. At least Balthazar was cute. He was so cute and smart and-,

A knock on the door pulled him out his thoughts and Castiel couldn’t believe most of his salad was already gone. Balthazar had talked for the entire time and he hadn’t even noticed. “Are you two finished? I can always come back another time.”

“We were in the middle of a conversation,” Castiel hummed, keeping his eyes on his bowl. He knew it was Felix and jealousy poured into him again. He couldn’t even be alone with Balthazar for thirty minutes without an interruption.

“No, it’s fine, Felix. Come in,” Balthazar said. Castiel looked up at Balthazar with a frown. “I wish you could stay but we’re so busy,”

“I understand,” Castiel nodded then stood up slowly. He put away his tupperware into the bag then let his eyes flicker to Balthazar and noticed he was already taking out other files. “Would you want to get together sometime this week?”

“I don’t know. I’m not sure if I’ll have time,” Balthazar glanced over at Felix who was still standing right by the door. “What do you think?”

“Well, with all of the meetings that are scheduled and the all of the information that we still need to go through,” Felix trailed off.

“I’ll call you and we’ll figure it out,” Balthazar hummed. He walked Castiel to the door and pulled him into a kiss. Castiel wanted to linger, wanted to sink into it faster and deeper but Balthazar pulled away instead. “Promise. You know you mean so much to me.”

“I can’t wait,” Castiel smiled.

He watched Balthazar walk back to his desk as Felix followed him and they seemed so in sync as they started working alongside each other. Castiel left before his mind wandered. When he walked out of the office, Andrew was still in his cubicle with one of his always cheerful smiles.

“So,” Andrew drawled then ate a handful of trail mix. “Did he like the surprise?”

“I think so,” Castiel replied as he watched Andrew eat and he wondered when his lunch break was. “Do you still want me to give you those recipes?”

“You’re so helpful, Castiel, and don’t forget about those exercise suggestions,” Andrew smiled and took a post-it and pen then started writing. “Just email them to me.”

Castiel took the post-it from Andrew and read his email before looking back at him. “I will. I’ll see you soon, Andrew.”

“Bye, Castiel!”

***

Castiel laid in bed that night swinging in between sleep and wakefulness. He was so tired and no matter how tight he closed his eyes or changed positions, he was still in pain and still awake so when his alarm clock went off that morning, he felt like he was in a haze.

He didn’t even flirt with the idea of going into work and pulled up the comforter closer to him then grabbed his cell phone off of the nightstand. Castiel sent a quick mass email to the entire company then set his cell phone back onto the nightstand, letting his eyes close.

The echo of Ruby’s words rang through his mind and he practically heard her voice in them. Castiel opened his eyes then looked longingly at his bedroom door because needed to get up and work, regardless of how he felt. There were deadlines he had to meet, Ruby reminded him of that fact every day, and the next deadline was a week from now.

It took almost half an hour for Castiel to get out of bed and into his office. When he sat down in his black computer chair, his lower back flared with pain and he cursed himself that he didn’t grab a heating pad beforehand. Castiel sighed, pawed at his lower back with his left hand and turned on his laptop with his right.

Castiel pulled up two documents, putting them side by side on the monitor, and started working. Well, he tried to. Castiel couldn’t focus on the words and had to reread the documents so many times that when he checked the time and saw that almost two hours had passed, he realized that he still had so little done.

Although he eyed the documents again and his hands hovered above the keyboard, the longer he stared at the screen, the more overwhelmed and the less motivated he felt. Castiel exited out of the tab and guilt poured into him when his home screen took its place.

People were counting on him, he could hear Ruby’s disappointment in his ears, and wondered what Zachariah would think. He would probably be just as disappointed because the editor in chief couldn’t do his job. Castiel just needed time. He needed to lie down.

Castiel padded out of the office and into the kitchen, grabbing one of his green juices in the refrigerator before going back into his bedroom. He got into bed, propped his pillows up, then turned on the television. Castiel sat his green juice on his nightstand and saw that his cell phone was blinking.

He checked it and saw that Dean texted him.

 _10:34 AM, July 29_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\--Hey, since you’re not coming in today would you want me to come over with some files?_

Castiel considered it for a moment because maybe they could watch a movie when he came over.

 _10:36 AM, July 29_  
_To: Dean Winchester_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--Sure._

 _10:37 AM, July 29_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\--Great, see you then_

Castiel smiled softly at the text message then tried to get comfortable in bed to watch some television. The day switched between napping and watching television until he woke up a few hours later to the sound of knocking on the front door. Castiel yawned, rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, and stayed in bed as he mustered up the energy to get up.

When he made his way into the hallway and to the front door, the knocking had already stopped. Castiel remembered what it was like when Dean delivered files on a particularly bad pain day during the first year. He used to become so self-conscious with the way he looked because he was usually in sweatpants and a t-shirt and his nerves doubled whenever he had to use his cane.

“Hey,” Dean greeted when Castiel opened the door. He took in Dean’s vibrant green eyes and they always looked happy for a moment before he took in the situation and realized that Castiel looked like complete crap, then they dulled and softened. Castiel hated when it happened. “How are you?”

“I’ve been better,” Castiel said, voice gruff from misuse. He let Dean in and closed the door behind him then walked to the back of the sofa and set his left hand on it, using it to steady himself. “How are you?”

“I’m alright,”

“And work?”

“Same old, same old. Ruby was hell, like always,” Dean smirked. “Do you wanna watch a movie or something?”

“I’d love to,” Castiel smiled and followed Dean to the sofa. He sighed in relief once he sat down and looked at Dean. “Honestly, I feel terrible.”

“Really, haven’t noticed. I mean, I don’t think I’ve seen hair stick up in that many directions at once,” Dean joked. Castiel frowned and darted up to his hair to fix it. “No, no. I like it that way.”

“I probably look like I’ve just been electrocuted,” Castiel said as he let his hand fall.

“I think the last thing you need to worry about is your hair if you feel like shit,” Dean opened Netflix and scrolled through titles. “What were you thinking?”

“I don’t have a preference since I’ve been watching television all day anyway,”

Dean nodded slowly. “How about _V for Vendetta_?” When Castiel didn’t respond, he kept scrolling through titles. “ _Battle Royal_?” No response. “ _Scarface_? We could watch one of your documentaries.”

“Dean, I don’t care. Can you please just pick one?” Castiel huffed then grabbed the blanket on the back of the sofa. He pulled it around himself and hoped that it would help the soreness.

Dean picked one of the episodes from the _Life_ documentary series then. It focused on marine invertebrates in the deep sea and it made Castiel think of the beach. A hollow pit in his chest grew at the thought and he wondered if he would be able to take Emmi next week. He missed it, missed finding seashells with his daughter.

Castiel couldn’t concentrate. It was like he fell asleep then drank a dose of Nyquil and was just trying to make sense of the episode, of everything. At least the images looked pretty.

“That cuttlefish doesn’t even look real,” Dean began. “It looks like it’s computer animation or something and looks like it’s glowing a neon light. It’s absolutely insane how we’ve studied so little of the ocean, yet we’ve landed a spacecraft on Mars. Isn’t that just crazy?”

“Hmm?” Castiel turned to Dean.

“The cuttlefishes don’t look real. Do they look real to you?”

Castiel turned back to the television and considered the question for a couple moments, watching the red striped cuttlefish float effortlessly through the coral reefs. “They do.”

The episode went on and Dean kept talking about it, pointing out things he found interesting and when the episode ended, he clicked on the next episode that was about plants.

“So what do you find more interesting, this or the marine life?” Dean asked as the narrator began speaking about a different type of tree.

“I can’t concentrate so it’s hard to decide,” Castiel said. “I don’t even really know what the narrator is saying. It’s just so...”

“Do you want to watch something different?”

“It doesn’t make a difference to me considering I won’t understand what’s going on with whatever you choose.” Castiel sighed, his fibromyalgia was winning and he hated himself for it. Maybe he should have meditated instead of watching hours upon hours of television.

“Is this one of your symptoms of fibromyalgia?”

“Yes, but I don’t want to talk about it,” Castiel felt like he was floating and the last thing he wanted to do right now was walk Dean through what he was feeling and whatever other questions he probably had. “I think you should go. I want to lie down.”

Dean turned to Castiel and stared at him, his eyes soft and almost knowing, before he looked back at the television to turn it off. But Dean didn’t know and Castiel hated that. “Do you need any help with anything before I go?”

“No, I don’t need help,” Castiel said, his voice was cold and distant. He kept his eyes on the television instead of Dean.

“Okay,” Dean stood up, waiting for Castiel to stand up and when he didn’t he walked to the front door himself. “I’ll see you later and don’t forget to lock the door, alright?”

“Okay, Dean,”

Castiel listened to the door shut and got up from the sofa a few minutes later, tossing the blanket back onto it, then walked to the front door to lock it. He padded into his bedroom and crawled back into his bed, deciding to stay in his cocoon for as long as possible.

 

***

Castiel woke up the next morning feeling like he ran five miles then accidentally ran into a busy street and got ran over by a car. He stayed in bed for five days until he got a phone call from Balthazar the following evening.

_“Are you okay? Why haven’t you answered my calls?”_

“I’ve been in the middle of a flare all week,” Castiel sighed. “I’ve just… I’m sorry.”

_“So, I should keep Emmi for the rest of the week?”_

Castiel heard the disappointment in Balthazar's voice and he immediately felt guilty. “Could you? I’m so sorry but I don’t think I can take her.”

Balthazar sighed. _“Yes, that’s fine. Just call me when this is over.”_

“Okay,” Castiel said and a few silent moments passed between them. “Would you want to get together once I’m feeling better?”

Another lapse of silence. _“I don’t know. I’ve been so busy with everything… so just call me when this over and we’ll plan something.”_

Castiel smiled at the words. “Okay, I will.”

_“Alright, I’ll talk to you later.”_

“Okay,” Castiel didn’t want the conversation to end, he hadn’t heard Balthazar’s voice in so long. He forgot how soothing it was. “Miss you,”

 _“I miss you too,”_ Balthazar replied then Castiel heard a couple muffled voices in the background, one of them was Balthazar until he cleared his throat. _“I have to go, Cassie. I’ll talk to you soon.”_

Castiel heard a click on the other end then the dial tone before he could say anything else. He sighed and put his cell phone back onto his nightstand. He’d be fine by next week and then he could see Balthazar and Emmi. The thought made Castiel smile.

***

Meg began coming over almost every day when Castiel’s flare-up carried into the next week and into a third week. She let herself in with the key under the rock outside the front door and made him move into the living room and onto the sofa so she could watch him while she cooked and cleaned. She was worried about him because he hadn’t had a flare-up last this long in years.

“You’re such a puppy, Clarence,” Meg hummed as she walked into the living room with a mug of herbal tea. She handed it to him then sat next to him on the sofa. “You need to take care of yourself,”

“I have been taking care of myself,” Castiel said. He took a sip of tea and took in Meg’s skeptic look. “I’ve been working less, but deadlines still need to be met.”

“Ruby and her book will be the death of you unless you slow down.”

“I’m pretty sure that drinking tea, wearing heating pads, and watching television for three weeks counts as slowing down,” Castiel replied, taking another sip of tea. The email Zachariah sent him a few days ago flashed through his mind and his brows furrowed as he recalled it. “Zachariah has even suggested giving my tasks to Benny.”

“Maybe he should,” Meg said. She took another beat before she continued. “Have you thought about setting up an appointment with your doctor?”

“And what would she do?” Castiel asked, his voice sharp. “I’ve tried all of the treatments she offered me,”

“Not the medicine,” Meg hummed, her own voice soft because she knew Castiel and knew that she had to tread lightly. “I understand your hesitancy, but I’ve talked to Anna about it and she agrees with me,”

“When did you talk to her?”

“Two days ago when I was driving here,” Meg said. “She said if it’s been this long, then you need to go to the doctor-"

“The last time I checked, Anna isn’t my mother,”

“She went on to say,” Meg continued, ignoring Castiel’s interruption. “that she knows how you feel about it, medication, and everything else, but it could be good for you. She also said if you didn’t then she’ll make Gabriel come down."

“Oh, God,” Castiel groaned with an eye roll.

Anna and her husband had moved up to Portland three years ago, so whenever she thought Castiel needed someone around, she would call Meg or Gabriel.

Castiel’s brother lived in Los Angeles as one of the writers on _The Big Bang Theory_ which he liked to throw in Castiel’s face sometimes because it always resulted in an eye roll from Castiel. Gabriel thought was the funniest thing.

Gabriel had to be one of the worst people to have to check on someone in need because he was so insincere. Castiel remembered one of the first times Gabriel came over when he was in the middle of a flare-up.

Since he was using his cane, Gabriel kept referring to him as ‘Tiny Tim’ and he thought it was so funny. When Castiel threatened to hit him with it, he stopped with the name and thought of new jokes.

While Castiel knew Gabriel meant well and just wasn’t that great in the empathy department, it was a bit annoying to have him around the first few times. After a while, though, Gabriel got better at it in his own way but he’d always prefer Anna.

“Please just think about it,” Meg said. “We’re just worried about you and don’t you want to see Emmi sometime soon rather than being cooped up here?” When Castiel didn’t respond, she tried again. “And your friends, you know, Dean and everyone.”

Castiel couldn’t help but be a bit thrown off by the statement because although Meg had difficulties with warming up to anyone, it had taken longer with Dean. But he also knew Meg liked him, at least in a friendly acquaintance sort of way since they were friends, because she could banter with Dean without wondering if she would hurt his feelings. Castiel took another sip of his tea as he thought about it.

“I’ll consider it,”

“How gracious of you,” Meg smirked then grabbed the remote and went to Netflix. “Now, let’s watch something, and we’re not watching one of your nerdy superhero shows.”

“Please Meg, tell me how you really feel,” Castiel smiled softly as he watched her scroll through the titles. She picked another sad, foreign film. Of course. Castiel took another sip of tea and tried to get as comfortable as he could on the sofa.

***

Castiel stared up at the ceiling that night while he laid in bed. Meg had left hours before, she had a class early in the morning, and it reminded him of their conversation earlier. While he knew that Meg had a point because he had been feeling like he was continuously sleeping on a cold, hardwood floor for a month, he didn’t want to make an appointment to see Dr. Nguyen.

He didn’t even remember the last time he saw her because after he saw a noticeable change from the alternative treatments, he didn’t see the need to go back. Castiel was fine, well, his pain was manageable, so he didn’t see the point.

Besides, he hated doctors. They asked too many questions, had too much judgment in their eyes, and he remembered so many times where they wouldn’t believe him. Castiel remembered how one of the specialists told him that he was just too sensitive because there were people in real pain out there. He needed to man up.

Deep down, Castiel knew Dr. Nguyen wasn’t like that. Although she was kind, empathetic, and straight-forward which was what Castiel preferred in a doctor, it felt like giving up if he went back. He didn’t need help. Castiel had been managing his pain for seven years without any additional help besides emotional support from Meg.

He sighed as conflicting thoughts raced through his mind. Castiel grabbed his cell phone on his nightstand and checked the time.

11:38 PM.

He needed to sleep, but painsomnia had been getting to him for so long that he almost forgot the concept of sleep. Castiel would find the best position that hurt the least, close his eyes, and let his mind wander off. But his thoughts always found their way to his work.

Castiel would imagine the halls of Goldenwoods on a particularly busy day, people constantly typing, scanning, and talking then there would be Ruby. She would immediately start listing deadlines and what things she wasn’t happy with. It was constant and her voice would become more grating and louder until he woke up.

Castiel swiped into his cell phone and looked through it, but nothing new. No new emails, calls, or.. Wait. He had two new text messages. Castiel tapped on the app and watched as his messages popped up, blue dots next to the text messages.

Neither of them were new, he was always bad at checking his text messages when he was in a flare-up, and he saw that they were from Gabriel and Dean. Castiel checked the text message from Gabriel first.

 _10:22 PM, August 19_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Gabriel Novak_  
_\--Hey, bro! Heard you’re not feeling too hot so if you want me to come down I can! We can watch The Lord of the Rings or something and I could tell you how I got Kaley Cuoco to kiss me! It was awesome!!!_

Castiel smirked at the text message then checked Dean’s. It was from about two weeks ago.

 _6:08 PM, August 2_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\--Hey man. I know you’re not feeling great but Zachariah wants to give you a couple more files. Want me to come over with them? Hope you’re doing alright, text me if you ever wanna hang out_

Guilt poured into Castiel once he read the message because he was so sweet and they left off on such a sour note. It was Castiel’s fault, he had been so irritable and upset when Dean came over, that his harsh words kept coming out and he knew Dean didn’t deserve it. His thumbs hovered over his cell phone’s keyboard until he got the courage to reply.

 _11:42 PM, August 21_  
_To: Dean Winchester_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--Hello, Dean. I apologize for not replying until now. I’ve just been in the middle of a flare-up for quite some time now. Also, I’m sorry for treating you so poorly the last time you came over. My mood always fluctuates when I don’t feel well, but that’s no excuse. I hope you’re doing well, too._

Castiel reread the text message twice once it sent and hoped that it would be enough. He knew Dean deserved more than a text message so late at night, but it was a start.

He put his cell phone back onto the nightstand and tried to fall asleep again for the twelfth time. A buzzing sound made his eyes flash open and he grabbed his cell phone again. It was Dean.

 _11:47 PM, August 21_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\--Hey, good to hear from you again. You don't need to apologize, really. You should hear what Sam says when I make fun of all the tofu in his fridge. Anyway, I really hope you feel better soon. Do you have anything to help you with it? Y’know like the heating pads_

Castiel smiled at the text message, even if he had already been wearing his heating pads for days now.

 _11:48 PM, August 21_  
_To: Dean Winchester_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--I’ve been wearing them all week. Nothing has been helping, so I might make an appointment with my doctor. She could prescribe me medication._

Castiel read the text message and almost wanted to laugh at how nonchalant him making an appointment and being prescribed medication seemed. When in reality he was still grappling with the idea of making an appointment in the first place. He watched as the gray bubbles began on Dean’s end.

 _11:49 PM, August 21_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\--That sounds great. I’m sure she’ll help you. I remember how much it sucked being prescribed pain meds when I broke my leg a couple years ago. They really helped though_

Castiel remembered the incident. He had seen Dean walk around with his crutches then leg brace when he was in the office but never asked about it. Becky had mentioned something about a skiing accident.

 _11:50 PM, August 21_  
_To: Dean Winchester_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--Meg is adamant about medication, but I’m not sure with all of the side effects._

 _11:51 PM, August 21_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\--I get that. Medicine has come a long way though and your doctor is there to help you. Just don’t forget to ask a lot of questions and all. It’ll be okay._

 _11:52 PM, August 21_  
_To: Dean Winchester_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--You’re probably right. I’m just overreacting, most likely._

 _11:53 PM, August 21_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\--No, no you’re not. I get being worried about what you put in your body. Anyway, I’m gonna go to bed and if you make an appointment, text me about it and how it goes if you want_

 _11:54 PM, August 21_  
_To: Dean Winchester_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--I definitely will. Thank you, Dean. Sleep well._

Castiel reread Dean’s text messages again and Meg’s words from earlier today began playing in his mind. They were both right and maybe It would even be a pleasant experience especially since Dr. Nguyen had always been kind to him. Castiel pulled up Meg’s contact.

 _11:57 PM, August 21_  
_To: Meg Masters_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--Hello, Meg. I apologize for texting you so late but I’m going to make that doctor’s appointment._

Castiel was about to set his cell phone back down on his nightstand until he saw the gray bubbles from Meg’s end.

 _11:58 PM, August 21_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Meg Masters_  
_\--I swear to God, don’t text me this late again unless you’re dying. Goodnight, Castiel._

Castiel chuckled at the text message. Meg had always been an early riser and was the type to go to bed around ten every night. He should have known better than to text her so late.

 _11:59 PM, August 21_  
_To: Meg Masters_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--Sorry! Sleep well, Meg!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to give a big shout out to everyone that is reading this as an WIP and are willing to wait for chapters. I never expected this to get many views/comments/kudos and you all are so awesome. Iloveyouallsomuch!


	14. Chapter 14

Castiel tried watching _Grey’s Anatomy_ once. It was during one of his painsomnia nights and he was trying to find a new television series to watch. He had heard Becky gush about the show a few times around the office with a few other women so he was curious. It was a terrible mistake.

While Castiel wasn’t sure what he expected from a hospital drama, he had only watched the first two episodes because it was too intense (was a rape and a baby with a heart murmur necessary in the same episode?), had too many unlikable characters (George O’Malley was sort of tolerable), and he couldn’t handle all of the blood.

He decided right away that Patrick Dempsey was overrated and Isaiah Washington was, really, the dreamiest one. Castiel could have probably watched the next few episodes for him alone, but he decided to stay with his sci-fi television shows instead.

Looking back, he should have known better. What did he think was going to happen in a hospital drama?

Castiel hated hospitals and, now, shows about hospitals. He stared up at Scripps Mercy Hospital with a frown and when he looked back, he wondered why three fountains were needed in front of the building. Wasn’t California in a drought? He looked back at the too-white building, sighed, and headed inside.

The building smelled too sterile and it was too bright and there were way too many people running around and he needed to get out of here as soon as possible. Castiel maneuvered passed the array of people and joined the group taking the elevator.

After he pressed the ‘five’ button, he moved into the far right corner of the elevator. There was a family of four to his right and the bald little girl caught his eye first. She had to be around Emmi’s age and when he looked to his left and saw a man about ten years older with a prosthetic leg, a heaviness fell over him.

Castiel wanted to help them but he couldn’t because he was just an editor with some disorder. He wasn’t sick with cancer and had all of his limbs, so he was fine. He was fine. While he kept his eyes locked on the door the voice of one doctor stayed with him.

_“There are people with real pain out there.”_

When the elevator dinged and the doors opened to the third floor and the young girl with her family left, he felt somewhat better. He sighed in relief once the man with the prosthetic leg left on the next and relished in his alone time for a few moments until the elevator arrived on the fifth floor.

Castiel navigated the wings and hallways (seriously, why were there so many hallways?) to get to room 550 and when he arrived, he immediately noted that the room was too cheerful. The walls were a shade of coral and colorful artwork hung around the room. When his eyes laid on the copper metal smiling sun wall art, he wanted to barf. He signed himself in and took a seat then looked around the room.

Two of the women looked about ten years older and when he made eye contact with the third woman he smiled at her and her small toddler with a head full of black hair. The little girl turned away and nuzzled her face into her mother’s neck. She was too cute and reminded him of Emmi during that age because she was so shy and he would have never guessed that she would turn into such a confident girl.

“She’s so shy around new people,” The woman smiled, keeping her pale arms around her child. “Do you have one of your own?”

“Yes, she was exactly the same way at that age,” Castiel said. He remembered when it took Emmi so long to warm up to Meg and now she couldn’t get enough of her. “She’s seven now. No one really tells you how fast they grow up.”

“I can only imagine. Sometimes it feels like she was just a baby yesterday,”

Castiel understood the feeling. Emmi was growing up too fast for him and he didn’t even want to think about how much he missed after this month of hell.

“Castiel Novak?”

Castiel’s eyes flickered to the door that connected the main area to the rest of the patient rooms and saw a woman in pink scrubs. He stood up, smiled at the mother and child again, then followed the woman through the door.

“Dr. Nguyen will be with you shortly,” The woman smiled once she walked him into the designated room then closed the door behind herself.

Castiel took in the room once he sat down on the black plastic chair up against the wall and he decided that the decor was better in here. Light green walls, plain artwork, and a couple posters of the human body. He remembered the last time he was in this room, the walls were a navy blue and he hated the color because it reminded him of his cane.

“Hi,” Castiel turned to the voice and took in Dr. Nguyen. Her black hair was cropped to her shoulders, her braid was long gone, and her wrinkles were more defined, but the air of warmth that surrounded her was still there. “I haven’t seen you in a while.”

“It has been a long time.” Castiel agreed, watching her go to the small sink. She sat down the files in her arms then began to wash her hands.

“And what made you make an appointment?” Dr. Nguyen asked as she dried her hands then sat on the chair in front of Castiel with a smile. “I’m assuming you didn’t just want to catch up.”

Castiel smiled at the comment. “No, I’m here because of my pain. It’s been hard to manage lately and I just got out of this flare-up that lasted about a month, so... I am curious about medication.”

The words felt so wrong on his tongue and he kept his hands in his lap, picking at his right thumbnail.

“Alright,” Dr. Nguyen nodded then opened one of the files, her eyes scanning down the page as she read it. “So, are your allergies still the same? Have you started any new medications?”

Castiel began answering question after question then: How was he coping? Was there something new that triggered his latest flare? What was his sleep pattern like? What did his daily pain feel like? What did his flare pain feel like? Castiel felt absolutely ridiculous choosing one of the smiling faces on the pain scale but at least this time it had better descriptions of how the pain was experienced.

His pain was usually from moderate to unmanageable and had gone up to intense this past month. When the conversation shifted to medication, Castiel felt uneasy and the only thing he could really focus on was all the side effects that Dr. Nguyen listed.

“I don’t understand why you would think I would want to try this if it only works for fourteen percent of people,” Castiel said, brows furrowed.

“Yes, but gabapentin has less potential side effects than Lyrica and I know how you feel about that,” Dr. Nguyen said and her patience hadn’t wavered since they started the conversation. Castiel wanted to give up a few times, though, because why he finally decided to try medications that had side effects ranging from dizziness to suicidal thoughts was beyond him. He was doing this for Emmi and he had to remind himself of that a few times. He missed her so much. “This will be a good test run. You’ll take it for about a month and see how you feel on it. If you like it, I’ll lengthen the prescription and if not, then we’ll try something else.”

“Okay, I can handle that,” Castiel said with a nod.

“Now, let’s talk about medication for sleep,” Dr. Nguyen continued.

Castiel’s appointment lasted longer than he expected, or wanted it to be, and when he walked into the waiting room, the mother and toddler were already gone and replaced with middle-aged women. The moment the smiling sun wall art caught his eye again and it didn’t look any less creepy, he knew he needed to get out of there.

Castiel stared down at his written prescription and Dr. Nguyen’s messy signature as he sat in his car in the parking lot. He had to start with the lowest dose of gabapentin three times a day and gradually work up to his highest dose then there was his sleeping medication. Trazodone seemed safer, less side effects, but he’d wait and see.

He needed to text Dean because he promised and his friend seemed much more sure about the issue. Dean wasn’t taking the medication, though, he was and before he could let his mind wander anymore, he took out his cell phone.

 _3:19 PM, August 26_  
_To: Dean Winchester_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--Hello, Dean. I finished my appointment and I am now prescribed two medications. One for pain and one for sleep/pain. I’m starting them tomorrow._

Castiel read his text message another time and waited for the gray bubbles. When they didn’t come after a few moments a beat of disappointment grew in him because Dean usually messaged back quickly.

He knew it was foolish because Dean was still at work and probably in the middle of a meeting or getting verbally harassed by Ruby, but he liked texting him. In fact, he could have continued their text conversation well into the night last week, but Dean needed sleep and was the type that could sleep. Maybe the medicine would help him with that.

Castiel drove home and settled in the kitchen to bake. He was picking up Emmi in a couple days from ballet and he wanted to have some chocolate chip cookies for her because she hadn’t had them in a month. He tried to give Balthazar the recipe once but he wouldn’t take it because a bowl of mixed fresh fruit would be enough for a small treat.

Castiel tried not to roll his eyes at Balthazar when he said that.

Although Castiel used to love eating cookies and other desserts before he cut out gluten, it wasn’t about the cookies. It was about him finding the perfect recipe, measuring and mixing the ingredients, and setting time aside to bake them for his daughter.

Balthazar didn’t get that. Everything had to be quick and easy and it made more sense to him to buy something similar at the store. For a fleeting moment, Castiel wanted to tell him that it was about the dedication, love, and effort that was put into the process but Castiel knew Balthazar. Balthazar never wanted to put that much effort into anything except his work.

So Castiel kept the recipe and that was that.

Castiel heard his cell phone buzz next to him on the counter as he cracked an egg into the red mixing bowl. When he glanced at it and saw that it was a text message from Dean, he cleaned off his hands on a towel and opened his cell phone.

 _4:15 PM, August 26_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\--Hey! So I’m guessing it went well?_

 _4:16 PM, August 26_  
_To: Dean Winchester_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--It went as well as it could. I’m still hesitant about the whole thing. But I’m trying to keep an open mind. I’ll be trying them for a month before going in for another appointment to decide if I’ll continue them or try something different._

Castiel watched the gray bubbles appear almost right after he sent his text message.

 _4:17 PM, August 26_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\--Hopefully they’ll work well for you because I can only imagine what it was like for you the last month._ Also _Charlie is having a game of thrones watch party tonight at nine, do you wanna come?_

Castiel read the last sentence of the text message again and considered his options. Although he liked Charlie, he was still wrapping his head around the fact that he had become friends with her along with Garth in a matter of few weeks and that they liked him. He always thought Charlie was just being polite when she said that they should watch _Game of Thrones_ together.

His thumbs hovered over the keyboard as he reread the text message again. Castiel had enough energy, so he could go. It’ll be fun.

 _4:20 PM, August 26_  
_To: Dean Winchester_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--I’d love to._

***

Dean picked him up at eight-thirty. Castiel finished baking the cookies hours before, picked up his prescription, then spent the rest of the day relaxing which meant television and yoga. He missed yoga so much that he didn’t want to get off of his mat when he finished, so he didn’t and meditated for an hour instead.

Castiel was in such a great mood that when he slid into the passenger seat of the Impala, he wasn’t even phased when he heard _Led Zeppelin_ through the speakers. Besides it wasn’t that bad.

“I haven’t seen you in so long,” Dean said as he pulled out of the driveway. “How are you doing?”

Castiel hadn’t changed that much in a month because he just stayed in his bed or on the sofa as he tried to get through the excruciating pain. He grew scruff, though, but he shaved it off once his flare slowly ended and Dean seemed to do the same. But he kept his.

“I’m feeling better. Has Zachariah said anything about your facial hair?”

“Nope,” Dean said and his right hand immediately went up and stroked his scruff before going back to the steering wheel. “Why? Do you have a problem with it, boss?”

Castiel rolled his eyes as he smirked. Dean liked to throw around the term sometimes when one of them talked about work and Castiel tried to get him to stop saying it because he felt like they were more equals than anything, but Dean didn’t budge. He let his eyes flicker up and down Dean for a moment and took in his distressed jeans, plaid shirt, and scruff. The color of his shirt brought out his green eyes.

“No, it’s just that you remind me of a lumberjack,” Castiel smirked. “It’s too bad that we live in San Diego and not Washington.”

Castiel liked joking with Dean. He was sure that he developed the quirk after spending so much time with Meg, but he liked the friendly banter. It was always dry and sarcastic and he remembered when he tried to do the same with Garth which was a disaster. He took it too personally and Castiel had to apologize six times and clarify that he was joking before Garth talked to him again.

So he kept the banter to Meg and Dean.

“Well, I like it. Besides it pisses off Ruby and I love pissing her off so I’m keeping it.”

“I didn’t say I didn’t like it and what do I know about that sort of thing, anyway? Half of my wardrobe consists of band t-shirts.” Castiel said.

“Shirts of crappy folk bands,” Dean added.

“Not as crappy as your music,” Castiel teased. The song changed but Castiel couldn’t make it out. Something with guitar riffs and a drum solo. “I’m assuming she was worse this past month because I’ve been absent?”

“Yeah, it’s been freakin’ hell, Cas. I keep reminding myself that we only have three more months left then it’ll be done and I can reward myself with Thanksgiving food and lots and lots of pie.”

“Three more months,” Castiel repeated then sighed. "Three more long months of hell."

“Tell me about it,” Dean said and Castiel just smiled.

***

Charlie’s place was just like Castiel imagined it to be if he ever spent time imagining it. Her apartment was cozy with indigo walls, colorful rugs and curtains with a mix of nerdy and academia spread around. Stacks of work files sat next to action figures while comic books sat next to textbooks about quantum physics.

Garth and Chuck had already arrived and he was surprised when he saw Donna because a show like _Game of Thrones_ and a woman that was like the human version of sunshine and rainbows didn’t make sense. How could a woman like Donna watch a show like _Game of Thrones_? He was less surprised, though, when she went up and greeted him with a bear hug.

“Oh, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?” Donna cooed then let go to take him in. Her smile was still radiating. “How have you been? We’ve been so worried about ya.”

Castiel remembered the first time he met Donna. It was when they were all at the bowling alley and Donna greeted him with a big bear hug right off the bat. She expressed emotion so outrightly and he didn’t know what to do with that, so he became overwhelmed. Donna was almost the opposite of Meg. But after a while, Castiel got used to it and he liked her. Donna was one of the kindest people he had ever met.

“I’m well, how are you?” Castiel asked.

“I’m doing well. Work is tough, I can’t believe I thought working for my Uncle Harold would be the hardest thing I’d ever do,” Donna sighed and her smile faded for just a moment until it grew again. “But that’s what friends are for to help you through the storm.” Donna hugged him again. “I’m so happy you’re here!”

They settled into the living room, all choosing their spots for the viewing, and walked back and forth into the kitchen to grab snacks. Charlie already had an array of them to choose from on the coffee table from hummus and carrot sticks to cookies and chips, but apparently, there was more in the kitchen. Apparently that was where the drinks were. Castiel stayed with the hummus.

“Are you ready, bitches?” Charlie asked as she stood by the light switch in the front of the room.

“Charlie, turn it off!” Garth begged from his spot on one of the couches. “It’s about to start!”

“Okay, okay! Geesh!” Charlie flicked off the overhead light just as the episode began and the theme music began.

Castiel sat next to Dean on the couch, or maybe it was the other way around, he didn’t remember. But he quickly realized that Dean was the only one that didn’t talk while watching because everyone else did. While it was just hushed whispers or quiet gasps, Dean stayed quiet. Castiel looked at him from the corner of his eye and noticed how intently Dean watched. His eyes were so focused and it was just like when they watched _House of Cards_. Dean could talk through any show or movie except _House of Cards_ and, now, he realized, _Game of Thrones_.

After a while, Castiel almost forgot that Dean was next to him until he heard the sniffs. They were quiet and infrequent at first, he almost forgot about the last one before another one came along. Castiel became concerned when they became more frequent than not.

“Dean, are you alright?” Castiel turned to Dean, brows knitted together, just as the sound of keys unlocking the front door began.

Castiel turned to Charlie when he heard her squeal as the front door opened and watched her get up from the couch to walk to the front door. He almost turned to see who she greeted until he heard a sniff from Dean again.

“Dean-”

“Are you okay, Dean?” Castiel looked up at the woman that walked behind the couch and to the kitchen table, putting her bag down on one of the chairs. He couldn’t notice much except her height and dark hair. “I keep forgetting how emotional you get watching this show.”

Castiel’s confusion stayed because _Game of Thrones_ wasn’t a particularly sad show and rather than responding, Dean sneezed into his hand.

“It’s your furball-”

“Archie,” The woman supplied then turned her attention to Castiel. She walked up to him and stuck her hand out. “We haven’t met, have we? I’m Dorothy.”

“Castiel,” He shook her hand for a moment then watched as she sat on the couch to his left.

Another sneeze came from Dean.

“Dude, I’m pretty sure that we still have Claritin in the bathroom,” Charlie said as she made her way down the hallway.

“So, I’m guessing you’re one of Charlie’s coworkers or...”

Castiel watched as Dorothy’s eyes traveled from him to Dean then back to him. “No, Dean and I aren’t..." He felt the cushion to his right dip and he glanced at Dean as he stood up then headed into the hallway. Castiel looked back at Dorothy. “We aren’t dating.”

Castiel didn’t elaborate because he didn’t know how and besides, Dorothy didn’t need to know that he was fucking his ex-husband while being in a sort of, maybe relationship with him. The more he thought about it, the more he realized that he didn’t know what they were.

“Shh, you guys need to whisper!”

Castiel’s eyes turned to Garth on the other couch and he was so thankful for Garth then to pull him out his thoughts. But really, what were they?

He asked about it once when he was at Balthazar’s and he remembered that Balthazar just told him about living in the moment, of the possibility, of… something. Castiel never thought about it much and now that he was, he wanted to stop.

Castiel continued the conversation with Dorothy, in low whispers this time, about the show and their jobs until he felt a warmth near his legs. He looked down and saw a white slender cat. When the cat mewed, his heart melted.

“His name is Archie,” Dorothy said while Castiel bent down to pet him.

“He’s very cute,” Castiel said. He stopped when he saw Dean walk back into the room and sat down on the couch. He smirked as he listened to Dean grumble something he couldn’t quite make out under his breath. Castiel sat up and turned to Dean. “He’s cute, isn’t he?”

Dean just rolled his eyes then gave him a too-sweet and very much sarcastic smile. Castiel laughed.

“Shh!” Garth hushed again. “You guys!”

The episode was incredible and dramatic, like always, and Castiel was ready to call it a night when Charlie turned off the television.

“Are you all up for a game of Cards Against Humanity?” Charlie asked as she put down the remote and looked around the room.

When Chuck, Garth and even Donna agreed to a game, Castiel glanced to Dean trying to see what he what he wanted to do. Castiel was tired, he had done so much today anyway, and wanted to leave. While he hoped that Dean would want to leave, he could just lay on the couch. He could do that.

Dean made eye contact with Castiel for a second then looked back at Charlie. “I think we’re gonna go.”

Thank God.

Donna hugged him once more while they said their goodbyes. Charlie reminded him that they needed to hang out more and Chuck agreed then offered his place next weekend. Nothing was in stone yet but it was a nice thought.

The drive back to Castiel’s was pleasant and this time around Dean informed Castiel that the band with all of the guitar riffs was _AC/DC_. Dean also told him that they were going to set aside a day where Castiel was going to learn all of this. Besides, knowing the difference between _Guns N’ Roses_ and _AC/DC_ was important.

“Are you going to come into work tomorrow?” Dean asked once they were parked in Castiel’s driveway.

“No, I want to see how the medication makes me feel before I go back,” Castiel said then continued when he saw Dean’s eyes soften. “I’ll let you complain all about Ruby to me, though. I’m sure you’ll have plenty to tell me,”

“Damn straight,” Dean said. “Text me how the medication goes, alright? If you’re feeling up to it, I’ll come by with files.”

“Okay, Dean, I’ll text you tomorrow,” Castiel said then got out of the car and headed to his front door, fiddling with his keys. Dean stayed in his driveway until he unlocked the front door and walked inside, like always.

***

It had been a few days since Castiel began his medication and he was so hungry. He was so hungry that he stationed himself in his kitchen to cook dinner for the first time in weeks. It was progress. But his memory wasn’t helping anything.

Castiel had felt this way before. He knew brain fog but this seemed worse because he couldn’t remember anything. He checked the refrigerator three times for the broccoli before he realized that he already had it on the counter. It took longer but he accomplished it even if he almost forgot to take the steamed broccoli off of the stove.

He ate all of the broccoli and two chicken breasts and as he packed the rest of the chicken breasts to put in the refrigerator, his phone buzzed from the kitchen table. Castiel put the tupperware in the refrigerator then grabbed his cell phone. It was Balthazar.

 _6:35 PM, August 30_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Balthazar Hyland_  
_\--I dropped off Emmi at_ _ballet._ _Come over?_

Castiel smiled at the text message.

 _6:37 PM, August 30_  
_To: Balthazar Hyland_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--I’ll be there soon._

Castiel sent the message and put his shoes on then grabbed his keys in the bowl by the front door which was where they always were. He set up small things around the house that would help him along the way whenever his memory got the better of him like the bowl that kept his keys or his calendar reminders on his cell phone and if that didn’t work then he tried to go with it.

But Castiel never really went with it because he always felt guilty or dumb for not remembering. He tried not to think about that, though. Castiel tried not to think about a lot of things.

When Castiel arrived at Balthazar’s, he parked in the driveway and felt his stomach start twisting up. He hadn’t seen Balthazar in a while because of his flare-up then his doctor’s appointment and Balthazar was busy. He was so busy with the case and Castiel got that, Balthazar loved his job, but he would have liked a text message once in awhile.

He sighed at the thought then tried to perk up again because at least he was seeing Balthazar now. Castiel checked his hair in the sun visor and his eyes went to his shirt shortly after because he was wearing a gray _Simon & Garfunkel_ band t-shirt that had the lyrics of one of their songs in white coloring. Castiel also had his tennis shoes on which were dirty, worn, and a few years old.

He should have thought about changing into something nicer for Balthazar like his blue button down that Balthazar liked or his nice oxfords that he saved for special occasions. Castiel didn’t own many expensive pieces because he never gave that much thought into his wardrobe, especially after the divorce. Of course he had a few button downs and ties from JCPenney, but Balthazar shopped at high-end stores.

Castiel never understood why he would spend hundreds of dollars for clothing that was probably produced in a sweatshop or put into the pockets of a giant fashion company. He’d rather shop locally or save money and shop somewhere like JCPenney then spend the rest somewhere that mattered. Balthazar never understood that.

Castiel smoothed down his hair one last time before he got out of the car and walked to the front door.

“Cassie,” Balthazar greeted and when Castiel walked in, he pulled him into a kiss. Castiel melted into it and let his arms wrap around Balthazar’s waist. He wanted to stay close to Balthazar, like always, but he pulled away. Balthazar always pulled away too fast for him. “I haven’t seen you in such a long time. I missed you so much. Are you better?”

“I’m… I’m better,” Castiel said. He let his arms stay around Balthazar because he loved touching him but when he felt Balthazar pull away, Castiel let him. “I actually began a medication regimen a few days ago.”

“Really?” Balthazar’s brows furrowed and a flash of hurt spread across his face until a smile replaced it. “You’ll have to tell me all about while you open your gift.”

“Gift?”

“Yes, gift. Come on,” Balthazar pulled Castiel into the living room and down onto one of the leather couches before he went to grab the present. “Close your eyes!”

Castiel closed his eyes reluctantly and sighed. “Did you not wrap it?”

“Of course I wrapped it but it’s much more fun this way,” Balthazar said. While Castiel sighed again in fake annoyance, his smile still stayed. He felt a weight fall onto the couch and a box placed into his hands. “Okay, love, you can open your eyes.”

Castiel opened his eyes to a box well-wrapped in blue wrapping paper and he felt his stomach twist in anticipation. It was too big to a ring and he wanted to kick himself when the thought crossed his mind because he was jumping too far in advance. But what if it was?

It was a watch instead.

“How much do you love it?” Balthazar asked.

“I love it," Castiel said. He tried not to sound too disappointed because it was a nice watch. It just wasn't something he was expecting. "I love it so much, Balth. Thank you,"

It was a Townsman Automatic with a brown leather strap and a cream colored dial and reminded him of all of the similar gifts Balthazar gave him through the years. Practical, stylish, and crisp. He set the box down on the coffee table and kissed Balthazar. He stayed longer than he meant to but it had never been a problem, especially once he felt Balthazar’s hands under his shirt and up his back.

“Do you want to go upstairs?” Castiel asked, parting from Balthazar’s lips for a just a moment.

“You need to pick up Emmi soon,” Balthazar said. He pawed at Castiel’s t-shirt to take it off while Castiel began on Balthazar’s dark v-neck. Shit, he completely forgot about Emmi. “Let’s stay here,”

Castiel nodded against Balthazar’s lips and let Balthazar take off his shirt then. Although the couch wasn’t the most comfortable and he knew better than spend that much time lying on his back, it was Balthazar and he was on medication now. He’d be fine.

Balthazar’s lips reminded him of honey. They were soft and smooth and Castiel felt so alive. He wanted to stay here forever. Castiel let his hands slip down to Balthazar’s jeans to his ass and let them stay.

“Oh god, oh darling,” Balthazar breathed as he kissed Castiel’s neck. “Oh, Andrew,”

Castiel’s world stopped and felt his heart sink down to his stomach. He pulled away from Balthazar to look at him, his brows knitting together. “What did you say?”

“Cassie, it was nothing. Come on,” Balthazar said quickly, trying to pull Castiel in again.

“You said Andrew,” Castiel said, avoiding Balthazar’s attempt. He sat up and moved an arm’s length away from Balthazar. “Who’s Andrew?”

“It’s nothing and it just slipped out. Andrew and Castiel are-”

“No, Andrew and Castiel are completely different names,” Castiel interrupted him and grabbed his shirt off the floor to pull it back on. His mind was racing and he needed to get out of here as quickly as possible. He needed to get Emmi. “I need to go.”

“Cassie, come on. Listen to me, please,” Balthazar begged as he stayed on the couch while Castiel checked that he had his keys then he walked to the entryway to put on his shoes. He grabbed Emmi’s duffel bag that sat next to the front door as he slipped his shoes on then walked out of the house. “Cassie!”

Castiel walked to his car as quickly as he could and once he finally unlocked it, he slipped in. He sat Emmi’s duffel bag down on the passenger seat and let the door block out the rest of the world.

This wasn’t happening, this couldn’t be happening, why was this happening?

Castiel didn’t let himself cry, especially not in Balthazar’s driveway, so he backed out and started driving to pick up Emmi. He wished that he could believe that the further he got from Balthazar’s house, the better he felt but it was the opposite. He still missed Balthazar and he hated himself for it.

After a few minutes of driving, Castiel realized he didn’t remember how to get to Emmi’s ballet studio so he pulled to the side of the road and cried. He cried for a few moments and let his confusion and sadness take over. It was too much. He didn’t know where he was going and why was this happening? Oh my god, why was this happening?

Castiel leaned his left arm on the armrest and looked out the window as he took deep breaths to calm himself down. None of it made sense and he needed to focus on something different, so he focused on Emmi. He rattled his brain as he tried to remember where the studio was. Wait... Ariane Drive. He remembered where that was. He could do this.

Castiel wiped his tears, looked out into the road for oncoming traffic, then headed to the studio. If the lack of cars in the parking lot when he arrived were anything to go by, he was the last one to pick up. He sighed as he parked and hoped Emmi wouldn’t be too upset. When Castiel walked into the studio, the bell ringing when he opened the door, he spotted Emmi with one of the teachers. He smiled when she looked up and saw him.

“Daddy!” Emmi said as she ran up to him and hugged his waist. She looked up at him, concern in her blue eyes. “Where were you?”

“I was…” Castiel stammered. He licked his lips as he thought of something and tried desperately not to think about what just happened. “I was out doing parent things. You don’t need to worry about it.” He looked over at the teacher. “I apologize for being late.”

“You’re fine. I know things can be hectic sometimes,” The woman said with a smile. Castiel looked for a name tag but she wasn’t wearing one. “And Emmi’s always great to talk to and she kept hinting about ice cream after?”

Castiel peered down at Emmi and let his hand rest on her shoulder. “I don’t think you need ice cream. Besides, there are chocolate chip cookies at home.” When Emmi smiled, he looked back at the teacher. “Thank you so much for understanding. We’ll see you next week.”

“Bye!” Emmi said. She waved at her teacher then walked out the door with Castiel. She walked to the back seat door and waited for Castiel to open it. He picked her up and into a tight hug instead.

“I missed you so much,” Castiel said then kissed her cheek. “Do you think I can drive with you on my lap?”

“No, I don’t think that would work,” Emmi said. “I’m too big.”

“You’re probably right.” Castiel sighed then set her back down on the ground. “You can tell me all about this past month while sitting in the back.”

The drive back to Castiel’s house was peaceful. Castiel loved hearing all of the stories that Emmi had about her friends and all of the parks she had been to with Balthazar. It was hard blocking out all of the parts about him.

“Is Dean coming over soon?” Emmi asked.

Castiel looked at Emmi through the rearview mirror and took in her curious blue eyes. “Um, yes. Dean will be over soon.”

“Good,” Emmi said. She paused for a moment then continued. “I kind of missed him. Do you think he’d wanna make bracelets with me again?”

Castiel’s heart tugged at the simple question. He focused his eyes on the road ahead as he felt his eyes tear up. “I’m sure he’d make a few bracelets with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, you should check out What Kind Of Man by Florence + The Machine because it goes well this chapter and is a great song. Anyway, comments are always appreciated because I love reading your thoughts :)


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Life has kept me busy so I haven't had much time to write but I'm back! I hope you all forgive me. 
> 
> Also, I want to give a huge thanks to alternaurora for beta reading this chapter. I've never done it before and I'm so glad I had my first experience with you. If you haven't read her work, do so! She's incredible.

Castiel felt empty once they arrived home. Emmi was in a sleepy daze when he pulled up and parked in the garage, and as they walked into the foyer, Castiel gently told her to get ready for bed while he turned on some lights.

He watched her walk down the hallway and into her bedroom. Castiel stayed in the foyer and wondered what to do. While he knew that he needed to do something, the hollow pit in his stomach was the only thing he could concentrate on.

He couldn’t cry again. Emmi was right down the hallway and he needed to get a few things done before he went to bed. Castiel couldn’t remember what they were, though. He walked into the living room and put Emmi’s duffel bag on the floor next to the sofa, then pulled out his cell phone.

Castiel’s breath caught in his throat when he saw that he was already getting text messages from Balthazar. He felt his eyes well up with tears as he opened his cell phone and scrolled to Meg’s contact. The line rang three times before Meg picked up.

_“I don’t even remember the last time you called me. You okay?”_

Castiel stayed silent as he tried to gain composure. He knew that Meg was teasing him - she always did. He swallowed slowly before responding. “I need to see you.”

_“What’s wrong?”_

Castiel mentally cursed himself because his voice was too distant and soft. He tried again after clearing his throat. “Nothing is wrong, Meg. I just need you to come over soon, okay?”

There was a pause on Meg’s end. _“Fine. I’ll come by Thursday, alright? If I wasn’t slammed with papers and two exams this week, I’d come by sooner. Are you sure you’re alright?”_

“Yes, I’m fine.” _No, no. I’m not fine. Everything around me is falling apart and I can’t remember anything. I still miss Balthazar even though I’m sure something is going on between him and his receptionist who's ten years my_ _junior._ _Please come over tomorrow._ “I’ll see you on Thursday.”

Another pause came from Meg’s side. _“If you say so. I’m in the middle of studying so I’ll text you tomorrow.”_

“Study hard.” Castiel said.

 _“You know I always do,”_ Meg replied. He could picture Meg’s smirk.

Castiel smirked until he heard a click from Meg’s end. He sighed and slid his cell phone back into his back pocket, the feeling of isolation falling over him again.

“Daddy, can I read to you before I go to bed?”

Castiel turned around and saw Emmi already in her Tangled nightgown with her long blonde hair down her back, holding her stuffed elephant, Milo.

He immediately smiled at the sight then grabbed her duffel bag from off the sofa and walked towards her. “Yes, we can read a book. What do you want to read?”

“ _The Hundred Dresses!_ ” Emmi stressed. “We’re only on chapter three and I really, really, really need to know what happens.”

“Then we have to read it, don’t we?” Castiel said, his smile staying.

Castiel followed Emmi down the hallway and into her bedroom, listening to her ramble on about the book.

***

“He doesn’t deserve you,” Meg said beside him on the sofa.

Brain fog was a bitch. It was like being in a perpetual state of waking up after a deep sleep and no matter how many times Castiel blinked or tried to focus, he was still in the middle of almost. Almost being able to remember, almost being able to focus, almost being _there_.

He hadn’t been _there_ since he began the medication. He tried to do his best to cook and spend time with Emmi but more often than not, he found himself telling her to go play with the neighborhood kids and making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for meals.

Castiel told Meg everything when she came over. Like always, she kept her mouth shut until he finished. She was livid. Meg never cared for Balthazar, so when they divorced and Balthazar fired her two weeks afterwards, her feelings towards him turned into burning hatred.

When Castiel told her about all of the text messages that Balthazar had sent since that night, he was sure that Meg was going to drive to Balthazar’s to wreck his car or light his house on fire. Castiel hadn’t seen Meg that angry since he and Balthazar filed for divorce.

He sat on the sofa in the living room while a cooking show played in the background as he stared at the recent text messages from Balthazar.

Castiel hadn’t responded to any of them. He didn’t know how to answer and if he was being honest with himself, he started to second guess that the name really meant what he thought it did. Maybe Balthazar just had work on his mind or maybe it was a friend’s name or maybe, maybe, maybe...

Castiel missed Balthazar and he hated himself for it.

 _6:02 PM, September 3_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Balthazar Hyland_  
_\--Cassie, I knew I would hurt you, especially since I’ve done it before, but I miss you so much and I wish you were here with me._

Balthazar’s text messages weren’t helping anything either.

“He’s bullshitting you with those texts. He’s just trying to kiss your ass so you come crawling back to him,” Meg continued. Castiel looked up then because the words stung. He didn’t say anything - he hadn’t since Meg began her tirade against Balthazar. Meg tried again when Castiel frowned and his eyes softened. “You deserve so much more. You deserve someone that cares about you, Castiel.”

Castiel turned back to his cell phone and read the text message again, then began on the one before it until he heard a car engine outside. He turned around to look out the front window and saw Dean’s Impala in the driveway with Emmi standing next to it.

It was the first time Castiel had seen it in a week and he watched as Dean slipped out of it, files in hand, and greeted Emmi. She had her bicycle beside her and her helmet on, chatting on and on about something.

“Oh, look, Model Boy is here,” Meg said, turning her gaze to look out the front window. “You haven’t told him what happened between you and Balthazar, have you?”

“No, I don’t think it’s necessary to inform everyone about what I do in romantic relationships.” Castiel said.

He immediately regretted the words once he said them aloud and Meg’s snort only amplified how ridiculous the statement sounded. But he and Balthazar were in a relationship, right? It might have not been the most romantic, other than the handful of dinner dates at Balthazar’s.

As he thought about it, Castiel wondered if it would be too much of an assumption to think that he and Balthazar spent most of their time at Balthazar’s because he didn’t want to be seen with Castiel in public.

“You gonna say hi or wait until Emmi talks his ear off?” Meg asked.

Castiel watched them for a moment before putting his cell phone down on the coffee table and making his way out the front door, squinting from the harsh sunlight when he walked out onto the porch.

“Hey Cas,” Dean said, his eyes traveling up and down Castiel for a moment. Castiel was wearing sweatpants from two days ago and a black t-shirt. “How you doing?”

“I’m...” Castiel ran a hand through his hair as he considered his options. He glanced at Emmi, then to Dean. “I’m alright.” He looked over at Emmi again. “I thought you were riding your bike with Madison?”

“I was but she went home for dinner,” Emmi said. “Are you gonna make peanut butter and jelly again?”

Castiel heard the wariness in her question. When he noticed Dean looking at him from the corner of his eye, he felt judged. He hadn’t made that many peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for her, had he?

“We can have something delivered tonight,” Castiel said.

“I miss your cooking,” Emmi huffed, her eyes hardening into a glare. Castiel’s heart sank as he heard the frustration in her words. “Papa always cooks for me.”

Castiel swallowed slowly. “Well, things are hard for me right now. It’ll get better soon.”

“I wish I was still at Papa’s,” Emmi snapped. “We don’t do anything anymore.”

It was nearly impossible to focus with Dean silently watching the scene unfold, but Castiel forced his eyes to stay on Emmi. “Emmi, I know-”

“I hate it here!”

None of this was supposed to happen. Castiel was supposed to be an attentive father who doted on his daughter, not a man that let his chronic pain win and was so out of it on medication that he couldn’t make anything other than peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for her.

“Emmi, put your bike away and go inside. We’ll talk about this later,” Castiel said, deflated. He watched as Emmi huffed and walked her bicycle into the garage before he turned his attention to Dean, immediately noticing his green eyes softening. Castiel sighed, glancing down at the concrete then back up to Dean “I’m sorry about that.”

“No, no. It’s cool. She asked if I was gonna stay to make some bracelets with her, but....” Dean said as he approached Castel and handed him the stack of files. “I’m sure you have things to do, and now Emmi...”

“You should stay,” Castiel said without hesitation. The concrete was hot on his bare feet. “I haven’t been doing much of anything because the medication is…” He tried to think of the word but nothing came to mind, so he sighed instead. “How’s Benny handling everything?”

Benny was the head of the editorial department, one position right below him, and Castiel was sure that he would have taken his place if Castiel stopped working all of those years ago.

He also knew many of the women around the office had a massive crush on Benny, but to him, it was lust more than anything. Benny had that tall, dark, and handsome shtick down and his southern Louisiana drawl only helped matters.

Despite all of the attention Benny received from women at work, most notably Becky who giggled uncontrollably whenever Benny talked to her, Castiel wasn’t fazed by it.

He wasn’t amused by Benny’s quick remarks that were usually directed at him when they had a meeting with the whole editorial department. He had been the butt of the joke during more than a handful of them and because of that, Castiel kept his relationship with Benny as professional as possible.

“He’s good,” Dean said.

It was the last thing Castiel remembered before he found himself back in the house on the living room sofa with a throw blanket pulled around him. He tried to keep his eyes open to watch Dean, Emmi, and Meg make bracelets.

If brain fog was a bitch, drowsiness was an insidious motherfucker. It always chose the wrong time to rear its ugly head. It came in waves and he spent more time than he’d like to admit sleeping on and off throughout the day.

Castiel was still getting over the afternoon that he answered the door to face Christina, one of the PTA moms at Emmi’s school, with Emmi by her side. She was more than a little angry when Emmi kept telling her daughter Claire where babies actually came from.

Christina had walked Emmi all the way back to Castiel’s from her house to inform him of this. While Emmi kept explaining how she didn’t think knowing such information was wrong, Castiel was trying to wrap his mind around the whole thing. His brain fog and drowsiness had been hitting him hard that day, so he spent most of it sleeping and watching television in his sweatpants and an old t-shirt.

Castiel watched Christina’s eyes travel up and down him before ending back at his eyes and giving him an unimpressed eye roll. He was sure that his hair stuck up every which way but he kept his hands to his sides.

“I don’t care what you teach your daughter but make sure she leaves that kind of talk before coming to my home,” Christina huffed. Castiel just cocked his head to the side as he concentrated on her but when her brows furrowed in confusion, he stopped. He must have been squinting again. “If she doesn’t behave, I don’t think she can see Claire anymore. I’ll see you at the next PTA meeting, Castiel.”

With that, Christina turned on her heels to walk back her home. Castiel looked down at Emmi, brows knitted together, and watched her trudge back into the house. Emmi moaned. “I don’t understand why I can’t tell Claire the truth. It’s not good to lie!”

Castiel also wondered what was so awful with knowing how anatomy and reproduction actually worked. He never thought the idea of a stork bringing a baby on a person’s doorstep was particularly insightful. Castiel realized the magnitude of the situation the next day and agonized through half of it wondering what Christina told the other PTA moms. It was one of the many examples of how the medication had screwed with his head.

Castiel was pulled out of his thoughts when he heard Emmi again. He turned to her and noticed Dean and Meg staring at him as well.

“Do you wanna make a bracelet too?” Emmi asked again.

“Um,” Castiel began, flicking his eyes to the coffee table. Five bracelets were already made. Although Dean and Meg already had bracelets they were working on in their hands, Castiel couldn’t imagine making one in his current state. “I think I’ll make one another time.” When Emmi frowned, Castiel felt his heart ache so he tried once more. “Do you know what you want for dinner?”

“Hmm,” Emmi started. She pursed her lips as she tilted her head to the side for a moment then looked back at Castiel. “Breakfast for dinner?”

“Count me in,” Dean said from the other sofa with a grin.

“Sounds like a plan.” Castiel smiled softly at Dean then looked back at Emmi. “I’m assuming you’d like scrambled eggs and strawberries?”

“Of course,” Emmi rolled her eyes dramatically before smiling. “And cinnamon bread.”

“Obviously,” Castiel joined in with her daughter’s antics. He pulled off the throw blanket, set it to his side, and stood up to head into the kitchen. It seemed like he was only walking for a moment when he felt something under his foot that made him lose balance. Castiel felt a hand catch his arm before he fell. “Meg-”

“You okay, Cas?” Dean asked. Castiel glanced over to Dean and saw that his green eyes were wide and searching.

Castiel blushed with embarrassment as he straightened up, looking down to see what had tripped him. Milo was laying on the floor on his side and Castiel wondered how he missed him.

“Thank you,” Castiel said softly.

“I’m so sorry, Daddy!” Emmi said as she ran to pick her stuffed animal up. “Are you okay?”

 _Are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay?_ The question kept repeating in his mind like a continuous loop on a broken tape. _Are you okay?_ No, he wasn’t.

“Yes,” Castiel told Emmi. “You should keep him in your room, alright?”

“Okay, I’m so sorry,” Emmi said again as she hugged the stuffed elephant. She had Milo since she was one and although Emmi transitioned from stuffed animals to Barbies, she couldn’t let him go.

“It’s okay,” Castiel replied. Emmi smiled and he watched her walk down the hallway to her room.

“Do you need any help with dinner?” Dean asked from Castiel’s side.

Castiel glanced to Dean and was a bit surprised that he was still standing next to him. In retrospect, Castiel shouldn’t have needed someone helping him with cooking, especially something as simple as scrambled eggs. But most people weren’t dealing with brain fog and drowsiness simultaneously that made simple things like cooking scrambled eggs, much more difficult. He wasn’t sure if he trusted himself alone with a gas stove.

“Sure,” Castiel said after a moment.

He wasn’t surprised when Dean got the eggs out of the refrigerator first while he took out a mixing bowl. Castiel was surprised, though, when he noticed Dean take out a red bell pepper and an onion out of the pantry.

“I have a scrambled egg recipe that’s kind of popular. Thought I could make it?” Dean said, the two vegetables in his hands. “We don’t have to, though.”

“We can. I can only imagine that it will taste better than what I was going to cook,” Castiel said, then quickly continued when he noticed Dean start to object. “My eggs are plain anyway and I need a new recipe.”

“I don’t know if it’ll be that good,” Dean chuckled. “But yeah, I kinda owe you for the quinoa recipe.”

“I hadn’t meant it like that, Dean. If they’re as popular as you say then I’ll need it, which I’m sure they are.” Castiel grinned when Dean tried to contain his own smile by pursing his lips.

“Well yeah,” Dean tried, the smile slipping out. “They are pretty damn good.”

He watched Dean lay out all the ingredients he needed before getting to work, his spirits lifted by Dean's company. He stood by the toaster as he waited for the cinnamon bread while Dean slowly poured the vegetables into the skillet, grabbing the spatula when he was finished.

Castiel was demoted to doing the bare minimum because his brain fog got the better of him and neither of them trusted him with a knife or a gas stove.

“So, you really good?” Dean asked as he sat down the small bowl then grabbed a spatula to start folding the eggs together.

“Daddy, look at this bracelet! Isn’t it cute?!” Emmi called from the living room.

Castiel turned his attention to Emmi and took in the bracelet she held, smiling at her. “It’s very cute.” He looked back at Dean, then heard his cell phone buzz from the living room. “I’m as great as I can be.”

Dean nodded. “Well, I’m happy that everything’s working out.”

Dean’s scrambled eggs were a big hit and even Meg had complimented him on them, something along the lines of being surprised that she didn’t die from them. Discussion around the table stayed on work and other neutral topics, for Emmi’s sake. Castiel liked hearing about Charlie’s hacking fiasco the best.

Apparently Charlie had hacked into Holden & Collins, a rival publishing company, and gotten some information from their marketing and finance department. Zachariah was furious when he found out because although they were competitors, he and the other CEO were friends. Of course. Charlie was heavily scolded and presumably on Zachariah’s shit list which Castiel had to get her off of.

After taking a few moments to laugh, Castiel said he’d work on it. It was enough for Dean and they finished their meals then retreated into the living room for a kid’s movie until Emmi went to bed. It was then, after choosing to put on one of the late-night talk shows, that Meg brought up Balthazar again.

Castiel reluctantly told the quick version of what had happened between him and Balthazar, Felix, Andrew, the jealousy - all of it. He let himself check his cell phone as Dean wrapped his head around it. The texts from Balthazar hadn’t stopped and he scrolled through them, noticing that they were all similar versions of the same message.

_‘I miss you’_

_‘I’m sorry’_

_‘Come back’_

Castiel almost felt numb reading them all and he was about to put his cell phone down until one of the text messages caught his eye.

 _8:30 PM, September 3_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Balthazar Hyland_  
_\--I made reservations at Water Grill for tomorrow at eight for us. Please come._

Castiel had felt so many different layers of sadness these last few days that he was sure that he couldn’t have felt anything else. But this was definitely different. Castiel’s stomach seemed to do a somersault while his heart dropped into it, creating a mushy uncomfortable ‘holy shit’ feeling. It was painful and nauseating.

“Cas, he sounds like an asshole,” Dean said, finally breaking the silence.

“Yes, well, you don’t know him like I do,” Castiel replied quietly.

“Well,” Dean repeated. His voice was even and low, meeting Castiel’s tone. “I know an asshole when I see one.”

Castiel returned the sentiment with a silent glare, their eyes never leaving one another until Meg cleared her throat.

“So, Dean, would you rather be jealous or crazy?” Meg asked. Dean and Castiel both looked over at her, confused. “Silently dealing with your partner while being jealous of someone that could be no one, or acting like a crazy fucker?”

Dean huffed out a laugh. “I think I’ll have to think about that one,”

“Really? I think I’d be-”

Castiel sharply cut her off. “I think you two need to go.”

Meg’s brows furrowed for a moment until she raised one, challenging Castiel. “Honestly?”

“Yes,” Castiel said, his voice cold. He had felt the nagging pain in his lower back start almost an hour ago as the medication started to wear off. Whenever the medication wore off, it seemed like his pain always started in his lower back then worked out to the rest of his body. He wasn’t sure what was worse yet - dealing with brain fog and drowsiness or terrible pain. “I need to go to bed.”

It was silent for another minute as Castiel just looked at them, waiting for either Dean or Meg to stand up.

“Fine,” Meg said, standing up from the sofa. She grabbed her purse while Dean slipped on his shoes. Castiel headed to the front door to see them out. Meg approached him before going to the door and sized him up. “I’ll see you later, Castiel. I just hope everything works out like last time.”

While the last statement stung, Castiel stayed silent. He even kept his quiet when Dean offered a goodbye, only giving him a nod and showing the two out quickly after. Castiel sighed when he shut the door and walked back to the living room, picking up his cell phone off the sofa’s arm. He swiped into it then to Balthazar’s latest text message.

 _8:46 PM, September 3_  
_To: Balthazar Hyland_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--I’ll be there._

 ***

Castiel could repeat the same reasons over and over as to why Balthazar wasn’t as bad as he seemed. He did - at least to himself - for the last few days, and all through his thing with Balthazar these last few months.

Balthazar was kind enough, fun, and great in bed. Castiel had also known Balthazar for twenty years - a fact that always meant something to him. Something that Dean or Meg could never understand because they had never gone through so much with one person for so long.

At least he knew Meg hadn’t. The longest relationship that she ever had lasted six months and apparently Meg’s trust and commitment issues were different from what Castiel was doing with Balthazar. Castiel wasn’t as sure with Dean, but he knew that Dean wasn’t married - a fact that he picked up a year after Dean started delivering files after seeing a lack of a ring - so that had to mean something.

All of that considered, Castiel felt like he was being reasonable when he agreed to have dinner with Balthazar. He had few days to cope with his emotions and now needed to sit down and talk to him about what had happened. Castiel just needed an answer. He just wanted Balthazar to give him that - give him something.

He called Meg for her to babysit Emmi for the evening but she flat out refused, citing how she couldn’t enable this anymore because she was tired of him getting hurt.

The words ran cold through Castiel’s body as he listened to her, biting his bottom lip until it bled. He licked his lips, the copper taste changing his focus and making him walk into the bathroom to get a tissue to stop the bleeding.

 _“Where_ you _going?”_ Meg finally asked.

“Water Grill,” Castiel said. He pulled out a tissue from the cabinet above the toilet to put to his bottom lip. He held it for a handful of seconds, hearing Meg’s disinterested hum, then took it off to examine the damage. The bleeding had stopped and left him with chapped lips and a few painful cracks that showed where the bleeding had occurred. He really needed to invest in some good chapstick. Castiel threw away the tissue in the small trash can by the toilet then ran a hand through his dark hair, flattening it again on the sides for good measure. “I’m excited. I think it’ll be good.”

Another pause from Meg’s end. _“Are you going to call an Uber?”_

Castiel’s brows furrowed, his eyes sliding down to his tie. He straightened it with his left hand, then immediately pulled on the shell to loosen it. He’d have to fix it when he got to the restaurant. The babysitter would be here any minute. “Why would I?”

 _“Do you think you’re capable of driving?"_ Meg asked, her voice instantly changing from indifference to concern. _“You couldn’t even make a bracelet with Emmi or cook yesterday. How can you drive a car?”_

His brows stayed furrowed as he listened to Meg, looking at himself in the mirror. Her brutal honesty was a double-edged sword sometimes because he knew she was right but he hated hearing it. The medication had compromised so much since he began the regimen that he couldn’t even do simple tasks like concentrating or remembering.

“Fine,” Castiel said, crumpling in defeat. He sighed and walked out of the bathroom, turning off the light switch as he went to get his shoes. “I’ll call a taxi or Uber or something.” He grabbed his shoes out of his closet and went into the living room to put them on. “I’ll call you when I come home around ten. Our reservation is at eight.”

 _“Okay,”_ Meg said, then added after a beat. _“Call me if you need anything.”_

“I always do,” Castiel replied, cell phone resting between his shoulder and ear. “Bye, Meg.”

_“Bye, Clarence.”_

Castiel smiled fondly at the nickname then ended the call, putting the cell phone to his side to tie his shoes. The doorbell rang just as he laced up his second shoe and grabbed the cell phone, slipping it in his pocket and making his way to the door. “Good evening, Courtney.”

“Hi, Mr. Novak,” Courtney greeted with a timid smile, tucking a strand of her black hair behind her ear. She walked into the foyer and waited, hands clasped together with a tote bag hung on her shoulder. The seventeen-year-old lived a few doors down and babysat many of the kids in the neighborhood. The parents who he talked to gave her good reviews and she seemed like a good girl, so he’d give her a shot. He just hoped Emmi would like her. “How are you?”

“I’m well, and you? You’re a little early. I still need to call a taxi but make yourself at home,” Castiel said, closing the door behind Courtney. He googled Uber and frowned when he learned that he needed to create an account, but still filled in the requirements.

“Where’s Meg?”

Castiel looked up from his cell phone and saw Emmi standing in the hallway, eyeing Courtney with confusion. “Meg couldn’t make it tonight so Courtney is here instead.”

Emmi nodded slowly, not making a move towards either Courtney or Castiel. Courtney smiled widely. “Do you like Disney movies?”

“Yes,” Emmi answered, then glanced to Castiel. He smirked softly at his daughter’s almost bewildered expression as if she was saying: _Of course I like Disney movies! I’m a seven-year-old girl!_ Emmi looked back at Courtney. He went back to his cell phone to reserve a car. “Do you like making bracelets?”

“Oh yes, I’d love to do that.” Courtney said with just the same enthusiasm.

“Okay, good,” Emmi said, smiling. Courtney had passed the test.

Twenty minutes, two hugs, and a kiss for Emmi later, Castiel was out the door. He got into the back seat of the blue Ford Focus that was parked in his driveway and took in the driver. He had to be at least twenty-five and had big brown eyes and gave him a bright smile the second Castiel slipped in.

“Hey, I’m Brendon. I’ll be your driver today. Where to?” Brendon asked, turned to the back seat to look at Castiel. He seemed trustworthy enough.

The drive to the restaurant was pleasant enough. Brendon chose fun pop music that played softly in the background and made small talk, mostly leading the conversation which gave Castiel time to send a text message to Balthazar. He stared at the most recent text message that Balthazar had sent him which was just a simple: ‘ _Good, can’t wait_ ’ that was sent yesterday.

A sudden surge of nerves hit Castiel as his thumbs hovered over the keyboard. He wondered if a text message informing Balthazar that he was almost there would be too much. Maybe he should just play it cool. Maybe he was overthinking it. Castiel started typing anyway.

 _7:47 PM, September 4_  
_To: Balthazar Hyland_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--I’m almost there. I’ll see you soon._

Castiel watched as the text message sent and read it twice before slipping his cell phone back into his pocket, looking out the window at the passing cars and street lamps.

“Got a hot date?” Brendon asked, glancing at Castiel through the rearview mirror.

Castiel turned to Brendon with a soft smile. “Something like that.”

“Well, you look good, man. Whoever it is, they’re lucky," Brendon said, returning the smile.

***

The nerves hadn’t dissipated when they arrived at _Water Grill_ , they hadn’t dissipated when Castiel gave Brendon a hefty tip then made his way into the restaurant, and they definitely hadn’t dissipated when the hostess led him through the dim restaurant to the table. It was empty, no sign of anyone ever sitting there, and Castiel realized that he was the first to arrive.

“Thank you.” Castiel smiled at the hostess as he sat down and she handed him a menu.

He looked down at the menu, opening it up and letting his eyes bounce around it before he checked his cell phone. 8:01 PM and no new messages. Balthazar would be here any minute. The thought sent electrocuted fluttering through his stomach. Castiel was sure that he was going to be sick. He pulled at the shell of his tie again as his eyes went back to the menu.

Castiel killed time going through it carefully, starting with appetizers and finding anything that he could eat. The miso soup and the crudo sampler sounded good. He studied the salads and sandwiches next. Castiel made his way through the menu as he waited and finally looked up when he was tired of learning all of the different ways salmon, crab, and lobster could be cooked. He would get the filet mignon anyway.

“Hi,” The waiter greeted when he walked up to the table. The man was tall and lean with a crooked nose, big rimmed glasses, and an equally crooked grin. He looked like he came straight out of a Wes Anderson film. “I’m Tim. Welcome to _Water Grill_. Would you like to start with a bottle of wine or a glass of draught beer tonight?”

“No, not yet. I’m still waiting for someone to come. But water would be nice,” Castiel said.

“Of course, I’ll bring some right over.” Tim said with a nod before walking away.

Castiel looked around the restaurant then. _Water Grill_ hadn’t changed much since the last time he had been here. It was still covered in dark wood from top to bottom, leather chairs and booths, and low hanging golden lamps which were all under dim lighting. He listened to the low, soulful voice of the singer playing softly in the background.

He and Balthazar used to eat here at least five times a month and so many good memories had been made here. It was where they celebrated their third wedding anniversary, where they celebrated the official statement from the surrogacy that Mariah was pregnant with Emmi, where Balthazar proposed to him again when same-sex marriage finally became legal in California. Castiel forgot how comforting this restaurant was.

Tim came back with his water and Castiel sipped it as he waited. He wondered what Balthazar was wearing. Something tight fitting most likely, something that would bring out his light blue eyes, something that would make him look good. Castiel checked his cell phone then. 8:26 PM and no new text messages. A tight feeling grew in his chest. Maybe traffic was bad. He decided to send Balthazar a quick text message.

 _8:26 PM, September 4_  
_To: Balthazar Hyland_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--Hello._ _I'm_ _assuming traffic is giving you a hard time?_

The traffic was barely a problem for Brendon, but things could change. Maybe there was an accident. Castiel checked the traffic reports and there weren’t any major delays. He closed his cell phone to put his focus back on the menu. Maybe he should try the crab or the lobster. A hollow pit of hunger grew in his stomach.

“Hello, sir,” Tim began, pulling Castiel out of his thoughts. He looked up at the waiter and took in his sweet smile. “I understand that your date for the night hasn’t arrived yet but would you want to order an appetizer while you wait?”

“Um,” Castiel said then peered down at his menu. He rubbed at his right shoulder as he quickly scanned the choices. The idea of beginning with the miso soup as he waited for Balthazar amplified the rumbling in his stomach but Balthazar would hate that. It would be rude. Castiel looked back at Tim. “No, I think I’ll just wait. He should be here soon.”

Tim just gave him a small smile and nod before walking off. Castiel checked his phone again. 9:02 PM and no new messages. He looked back at his text messages with Balthazar and wished that he had the recently read feature on. Castiel sent him another text message.

 _September 4 PM, 9:02 PM_  
_To: Balthazar Hyland_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--Hello, I’m just wondering where you are. Are you okay?_

Castiel watched as the text message sent and hoped that Balthazar would respond this time around. He read his menu again and played with the corners as he waited, reading the words as slowly as he could. The longer the time went on, the bigger the hollow pit in his stomach became and a sinking feeling grew his chest.

He tried to think of excuses. Maybe he was still stuck in traffic, maybe he was called into work last minute for the night, maybe he was rescuing a family and their cat from their burning house. Tonight he would see Balthazar as a hero on the television. What an idea. He couldn’t give up. Balthazar wanted him here to talk. 

Balthazar would show up to something as important as this because he missed Castiel, he wanted to apologize to Castiel, he wanted Castiel to come back. At least that was what Balthazar told him. Now, Castiel was here waiting.

“Sir,” Castiel looked up from the wooden table and saw Tim again. He was wearing a sympathetic smile now. A pitying smile. Castiel had seen it so many times before. “I’m sorry, we’re going to have to ask you to give up the table.”

“Can I,” Castiel began, his voice small with a hint of desperation. “Can I just stay here a little longer?”

Tim sighed and Castiel grabbed his cell phone then slipped it into his suit pants pocket. He looked to his left when he saw someone jogging up to the table. Castiel would know those dark jeans and blue flannel anywhere. It was Dean.

“Wait, I’m here!” Dean called, slowing down when he got to the table and out of breath. He gave Tim an easy smile. “Sorry, I’m so late. Traffic’s a real bitch.” Dean turned to Castiel, still smiling. “Hope you can forgive me.”

A smile swelled on Castiel’s lips and he nodded. “Yes, I think I can forgive you.”

“Alright,” Tim said after a moment. He looked at Dean. “What would you want to drink tonight?”

“Uh, what?” Dean asked, brows furrowed. He took a deep breath again. “No, I’m good for now, man.” Tim nodded and Castiel watched him walk off before turning back to Dean. He still hadn’t sat down. “Look Cas, Balthazar is a real douche and doesn’t deserve someone like you,” Dean started, immediately continuing when Castiel opened his mouth to respond. “Meg kind of sent me here to check on you. It’s.. it’s a long story. She’s kind of crazy but she cares about you.”

“Of course,” Castiel said, his smile staying. He closed his menu and stood up, rubbing at his lower back in habit. “I guess we can leave now.”

“You sure you don’t want to eat?” Dean asked.

“No,” Castiel said. He surveyed the restaurant one last time before letting his eyes end on Dean’s. “I need to get out of here,”

***

They drove in silence back to Castiel’s. Some classic rock song that Castiel didn’t know the name to was the only thing that broke it as they passed cars and glowing street lamps. The shock of seeing Dean swiftly faded when they walked out of the restaurant and the longer they drove, a mixture of sadness, guilt, and disbelief built up in him.

Castiel looked out the passenger window and watched as they passed street lamp after street lamp. He said quietly, “I’m so stupid, Dean.”

“Cas,” Dean began, keeping his eyes on the road.

“I am, aren’t I?” Castiel turned to Dean. “I wasted so much time on Balthazar. So, so much time. I should have known, you know? But I still believed that he cared for me even after he called me by a different name while we were...”

“You’re not stupid, Cas,” Dean said, glancing over at Castiel. “Look, you cared for him and that kinda stuff warps your thought. You shouldn’t feel bad for caring about someone. This isn’t your fault.”

Castiel’s lips flattened into a thin line. “When you’re with someone for so long, I guess it does change how you see things.” He paused for a moment, looking back out the window. “I wonder if he ever cared about me during this time. Maybe this was some cruel joke and I was just...” Castiel trailed off when he felt his breath catch in his throat and eyes glaze over with tears. He took a deep breath. “I feel so dumb. But... but I still care about him so much and I’m not sure if I ever stopped, Dean.”

There was a somber shift in the air and Dean glanced over at Castiel, eyes soft. He grabbed his shoulder, squeezing it as gently as he could, then turned up the volume of the stereo. Steven Tyler’s voice filled the car as he sang “Dream On”. Dean tapped his hands on the steering wheel then sang along to the next verse, acting out the lyrics as dramatically as he could.

“Yeah, sing with me, sing for the year!” Dean sang along, his voice was low, warm, and good. He glanced over at Castiel with a sweet smile. “Sing for the laughter, sing for the tear! Sing with me, just for today! Maybe tomorrow, the good Lord will take you away!”

Castiel watched Dean in amusement as his friend reenacted the song with so much joy and expression. He felt a wide smile continuing to grow as the song transitioned into a guitar riff until the multiple ‘Dream On’s began. Castiel laughed freely and loudly as Dean’s voice went higher as Steven Tyler’s did, his head tipping back onto the seat.

As the song drifted to an end, Castiel’s entertained smile stayed on his lips. He cleared his throat as he kept his eyes on Dean.

“Dean, I think I’ve made my decision,” Castiel said, chuckling slightly.

“Decision on what?” Dean asked, glancing back at Castiel.

“If I want to be jealous or crazy,” Castiel began. He licked his lips and a wild look spread across his eyes. “I think I’d rather be crazy.”

“Yeah, me too.” Dean said with a nod. He smiled at his decision. “I want to be crazy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are always, always, always appreciated and loved immensely. I love reading your thoughts.


	16. Chapter 16

It’s all very strange how things work out.

If anyone had told Castiel that this was where he’d end up five years after his divorce, still desperately hung up on his ex-husband and blissed out on medication, he would have thought they were crazy. But here he was doing anything in his power to keep his mind off of his ex-husband and fogged state from his medication.

He still hadn’t heard from Balthazar since that night, four days ago, and decided to keep it that way. Keeping his hands off of his cell phone so he wouldn’t be tempted to text Balthazar or look at any of their old texts was the hardest part. But he was trying which had to mean something. It had to or he’d just crumble.

Castiel also decided to focus all of his energy, what little he had of it, on Emmi for the rest of the week. They made more bracelets, they watched Disney movie after Disney movie and when they finished _The Hundred Dresses_ , Emmi started reading new books to him.

Although they had a nice week when it faded into the weekend, Castiel felt his easygoing mood falter and grow into restless anxiety. It was the first time he’d see Balthazar in almost two weeks. Oh, God.

“Emmi, do you have everything packed up?” Castiel called as he walked down the hallway to his daughter’s room.

“Almost!” Emmi replied, a hint of panic in her voice.

Castiel peered into Emmi’s room and watched her try to stuff another book into her duffel bag with agitation. Her brows were knitted together in concentration and her tongue stuck slightly out as she tried with no luck. He watched her for a moment with amusement because, sue him, it was cute before he stepped into the room to help.

“Let me help,” Castiel said as he walked to her bed and unzipped the duffel bag. He immediately saw the stack of books, about five of them, laying on top of clothes. He took them out and looked at Emmi when she started to whine. “Wait a minute, Emmi. Just trust me.”

While Emmi pouted, she kept her eyes on her father and watched him take out a handful of items including Milo, jewelry, and a jump rope. She broke the silence a few times with a ‘I need that!’ or ‘Be careful!’ but when Castiel zipped up her duffel bag, fitting everything perfectly into it without anything jutting out, her brows furrowed together and looked up at him.

“Oh,” Emmi said until a smile spread onto her lips. “Thank you, Daddy. I thought they would never fit!”

“Yes, well, trust me,” Castiel said, his own smile forming. “I know a thing or two about packing.”

Emmi nodded vigorously. “And everything else!”

“Something like that,” Castiel said. He would miss these days because soon enough Emmi would be sixteen and think he was out to ruin her life. At least that’s what Zachariah told him about his own kids. Castiel looked around the room to see if Emmi forgot anything else before turning back to her. “Get your shoes on, your father will be here any minute.”

The statement rang in his ears and sent a harsh roll of uneasiness through his stomach once he said the words aloud. Although he had a week to prepare for this moment, he still wasn’t ready. He wasn’t ready at all. Castiel knew that he had to ask Balthazar why he didn’t show up at dinner and maybe about Andrew. He wasn’t quite sure yet. Castiel watched Emmi walk out of her room then grabbed her duffel bag and followed her down the hallway.

“Papa told me that we’re gonna go to the zoo before school starts,” Emmi said as she slipped on her sandals by the front door. “And we’re gonna go to Sea World!”

Castiel’s brows came together as his lips thinned while he listened to his daughter. He hated Sea World and loathed when Balthazar took Emmi there. He focused on the former statement. “When does school start again?”

“Wednesday!” Emmi answered then began talking on and on about how excited she was to start the second grade until the doorbell rang. She opened the door and smiled up at Balthazar then engulfed him in a hug. “Papa!”

“Hello, sweetheart!” Balthazar lifted Emmi up with ease and placed her on his hip, kissing her on the cheek. “Did you have a good week?” Castiel watched the whole scene in discontent as Emmi babbled on about their week. He swore that an unsettling chill ran through his body when Emmi opened the front door to Balthazar standing on the porch looking as inviting as ever. It was such an unneeded lie. “Castiel, did you hear me? Is there anything other than her duffel bag?”

Castiel turned his attention back to Balthazar and silently cursed himself for not focusing enough. “No, there’s nothing else,” He watched Balthazar’s eyes look him up and down with judgement then grabbed the duffel bag from his hold. Castiel was wearing his usual sweatpants and t-shirt which he hadn’t let Balthazar see him in for so long. Balthazar set Emmi down and followed her to his Mercedes. He trailed behind, feeling the heat on his bare feet as he walked. “Balthazar, I need to talk to you before you leave.”

They all stopped at Balthazar’s black Mercedes and Castiel was momentarily pulled away from his mission when Emmi hugged him. He looked down at his daughter and a warmth spread through him as he returned it while Balthazar put the duffel bag in the trunk.

“I’ll miss you, Daddy. Promise me you’ll get better, okay?” Emmi said, still looking up at him.

“What’s wrong?” Balthazar’s brows furrowed as he walked towards them.

“Daddy had a hard time doing things this week, so we ate a lot of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and watched a lot of movies,” Emmi began and turned to Balthazar, letting go of Castiel. “He let me do a lot of stuff, though, like I had a slumber party at Claire’s two nights in a row!”

Castiel cringed as he listened to Emmi because she made him sound like such an incompetent father. Balthazar nodded slowly and glanced over at Castiel, taking in his sweatpants and t-shirt again. He opened the backseat car door.

“It’s nothing…” Castiel sighed. He peered down at Emmi with a gentle smile and ran a hand through her blonde hair. “I’ll be fine, Emmi. You don’t need to worry about me.”

“Emmi, can you wait in the car while I talk your father for a moment?”

Emmi nodded then slipped into the backseat, letting Balthazar shut the door for her. Castiel swallowed slowly as he took in Balthazar and noticed the change in his stance. Where he seemed welcoming and kind before, he now seemed cold.

“It’s just the medication. It’s been giving me terrible brain fog…” Castiel trailed off when his words suddenly escaped him. He squinted as he tried to recollect his thoughts. “But… But I’m fine. We had a good week.”

“Of course you did if you let Emmi do whatever she pleased.” Balthazar said, his eyes traveling down Castiel again. “Besides, you don’t look fine. How long have you been wearing that?”

Castiel looked down at his clothes then back to Balthazar. “It’s only been a couple days.”

“Lovely,” Balthazar rolled his eyes.

Castiel’s brows knitted in irritation as he took in Balthazar’s arrogance. “Why did you stand me up at the restaurant?”

“Oh, about that,” Balthazar’s rude demeanor softened as he smirked. “I was caught up at work. I’m so sorry about that. It won’t happen again,” Balthazar closed the space between them and put his hand on Castiel’s shoulder. Castiel shrugged it off in a quick movement and Balthazar’s eyes hardened. “You haven’t bought any school supplies for Emmi, have you?” Balthazar waited a few seconds but Castiel couldn’t respond because he hadn’t. Because he forgot. “Please don’t make me keep Emmi for longer than a week because of your incompetence.”

“You wouldn’t.” Castiel’s breath caught in his throat.

“If you don’t clean up your act, I will. I’ll see you soon, sweetheart,” Balthazar gave Castiel an overly sweet smile and opened the car door then slipped into it, rolling down his window. “And please, wear something different than those hideous band t-shirts. You’re a grown man, Castiel.”

With that, Castiel watched Balthazar reverse out of the driveway and into the street. He waved to Emmi and smiled when she returned it, happily, as Balthazar drove off. Castiel stood in the driveway for a minute and felt dread wash over him. He went back inside when the heat from the driveway started burning his feet. It was the only thing that he felt.

***

Classical music coursed through the house, a mixture of dramatic and powerful tones and delicate fortepiano filled his ears with sound and his heart with unregulated emotion. Meg called him dramatic. Castiel didn’t respond to her useless need to evoke any type of strong emotion in him and turned the volume up instead.

“Castiel, you’re not stupid or ridiculous for caring,” Meg said softly. They were in the third bedroom and Meg watched as Castiel took a few photo albums out of the closet. “The best people are the ones that care, you know, they make this fucked up world better. I don’t want you to close yourself off because of this. I’ve already seen you do that to yourself once and I don’t wanna see it again,”

Castiel turned around with three photo albums in his arms. They were filled with pictures from their small wedding ceremony with friends in 2004 and their second wedding in 2008. Their second wedding was larger - almost one hundred and fifty people came - and Balthazar kept calling him ‘my wicked groomzilla’ in a mushy, affectionate tone that could only be done by someone that was hopelessly in love. It all seemed so insignificant now.

“I need to get rid of these,” Castiel said, his own voice devoid of emotion. “I only kept them for Emmi, for some reason, but I don’t think she’d want to see them. We’re not even together anymore.”

Meg sighed and approached him to get a better look at the photo albums. “Do you wanna keep the books? They don’t seem in that bad of shape.”

“No,” Castiel said. The answer came out so quickly as if Castiel expected her to ask that like he knew that Meg would think he’d want to keep anything that had any connection to Balthazar. “I need to get rid of it all.”

The photo albums were the only remnants of Balthazar in the house. Meg wanted to burn them, of course, and Castiel just made a joke about how he was definitely the dramatic one. Meg rolled her eyes as Castiel walked in the garage to dispose of them. He stared at the three books in the bottom of the rolling trash container in the garage with resentment when he threw them away and glared at them for another few moments then went back into the house, quickly noticing that the classical music was turned down.

“What are you doing?” Castiel asked as Meg leaned against the kitchen table, messing with his laptop.

“It’s blaring,” Meg said, keeping her eyes on the screen. She moved out of the way when Castiel grabbed his laptop from her to turn the volume up. “Besides, I don’t think your neighbors want to hear it. At least pick something from this century.”

Castiel rolled his eyes. “If they don’t like it, then they can invest in some earplugs.”

***

The classical music lasted for two more days until Dean came over. Castiel watched as his friend seemed to be hit by the sound when he walked in, brows furrowing in confusion.

“Is this what you’ve been doing?” Dean asked as he walked to Castiel’s laptop. He turned down the music then smirked as he chose another song. “I thought I taught you that it’s all about the classics.”

“Dean,” Castiel began, but his voice was quickly drowned out by _Black Sabbath_. When he huffed and rolled his eyes, Dean cupped a hand to his ear and brows knitted together as if he was trying to hear Castiel. After a moment of Castiel waiting in front of Dean, annoyed as ever, Dean finally chuckled and turned down the music. Castiel sighed. “Would you want to watch a movie instead?”

“Hell yeah,” Dean grinned.

They decided on a chick flick and when Castiel clicked on _A Walk to Remember_ , neither of them said anything of it. Castiel suggested it as nonchalantly as he could as he skipped their usual sci-fi and drama shows and Dean shrugged then muttered something along the lines that it was fine. Dean didn’t say anything as Castiel teared up at the end and he definitely didn’t say anything when Castiel suggested that they watch another one after it finished.

Besides, Dean kind of liked chick flicks.

Dean came over the next day and watched chick flicks with Castiel again. When they began on _Brokeback Mountain_ , their third movie of evening, Dean noticed a pattern. He noticed that Castiel’s face would almost harden in a way when they started the movie and he would glare when they got to a particularly mushy or sad scene. It was if Castiel was judging the scenes a little too harshly, as if he was bitter about the love between two fictional characters. Dean never said anything of it until Castiel huffed and rolled his eyes during an upsetting scene between Ennis and Jack.

“You okay, Cas?” Dean asked as he grabbed another handful of popcorn from the bowl between them.

“Yes,” Castiel said, keeping his eyes on the television and only turning to look at Dean when he felt his nudge. He shook his head when Dean offered him popcorn from his hand and sighed when Dean’s brows lifted. “I’m fine, Dean.”

“Then why do you look so pissed at the movie?” Dean smirked.

“It’s just…” Castiel began and his facial expression softened for a moment then hardened back up. “It’s Balthazar.”

“Right,” Dean said with a nod. “What did he do this time? Thought we established that he’s a raging douche.”

“He came to get Emmi three days ago,” Castiel said, ignoring Dean’s label. “Emmi had told him that we mostly watched movies and ate sandwiches during the week, which was true, but didn’t sit well with him. I don’t think the fact that I was wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt helped matters.”

“What do you mean?” Dean asked. “Who the hell cares if he’s impressed or whatever? Emmi is as much as your kid as she is his.”

“Yes, well, um, that’s all nice in theory but I told him that we watched all of those movies and ate sandwiches because the medication was giving me incredible brain fog,”

“Yes, and?”

“And,” Castiel stressed. “He told me that if I can’t “clean up my act” so to speak and become less of an incompetent father, then he’ll keep Emmi for as long as he thinks that I’m competent enough.”

“What the fuck?” Dean said, brows furrowed together. “He can’t do that, can he?”

“I mean, he did receive full temporary custody when we were in the middle of the divorce when I could barely take care of myself, so…” 

“That’s different,” Dean said. “You’re on medication now-”

“I can barely use my stove because I can’t concentrate and I sleep half the day. How is that any different, Dean?” Castiel huffed. “Besides, he’s a lawyer and is more knowledgeable in that sort of thing, I suppose,” Castiel stopped, his thoughts racing. “I just can’t lose Emmi again and I know she was only two at the time but not having her around during that time was so difficult. She’s seven now, you know, and,” his expression faltered. “She shouldn’t have to deal with not being able to see her father again.”

Dean didn’t know how to respond. He knew what a useless father looked like, John Winchester gave him a personal manual for it, and Castiel was far from it.

“Maybe you should go back to your doctor?” Dean suggested and Castiel only rolled his eyes. “Look, man, I know you’re not a fan of ‘em but I don’t think your meds should being doing this to you. It just isn’t right.”

“Dean,” Castiel sighed.

“You’re not the first or last person to deal with this, okay? I don’t know about you but I’d rather go see my doctor than know that my douche ex-husband would go to the courts to possibly change custody agreements.” Dean said.

Castiel’s lips flattened into a thin line. He turned back to the television then back to Dean. “Well, I have no one to drive me.”

“You have a driver right here,” Dean said, his smile widening when he stuffed his mouth full of popcorn.

“I don’t want you to feel obligated.” Castiel said.

“Please, I never feel obligated when I drive Baby,” Dean said, his smiling staying. “It’ll be fun.”

***

Dean picked up Castiel thirty minutes before his appointment on Wednesday. Castiel tried to lift his spirits as he walked up to the Impala, but he couldn’t. He just hated hospitals far too much, so when he slipped into the passenger side and saw Dean’s smirk, he frowned even more.

“What’s so funny?” Castiel asked.

“It looks like someone just shoved a stick up your ass,” Dean laughed and Castiel rolled his eyes. “Come on, give me some slack. It’s funny.”

“I’m glad someone is enjoying this,” Castiel said as Dean reversed out of the driveway.

Dean hummed in amusement as they drove out of the neighborhood to Scripps Mercy Hospital. The only things that broke the silence was the voice of Freddie Mercury and Castiel asking if they were listening to _Queen_. Dean smiled so widely at the correct assumption and turned it up. He agreed with a hearty “hell yeah” when Castiel admitted that the band sounded alright. Of course it wasn’t as good as any of his crappy folk bands but it would do.

Castiel's good mood was stifled when they arrived at the hospital because parking was always a pain and he hated seeing people in wheelchairs or smoking outside. The smell of antiseptics and disinfectants filled his sinuses as they stepped into the building and Castiel led them to the elevator without a word. It opened a moment later with a ding and they walked in. Castiel was so relieved when he saw that they had the elevator to themselves.

“So, maybe we can get lunch after this?” Dean said while Castiel pressed the ‘five’ button and stepped back to the side of him.

“Are you trying to butter me up with the prospect of food?” Castiel asked, eyebrow shooting up.

“Is it working?"

“No,” Castiel said, seriously, until a smile slowly formed. “But I appreciate your effort.”

Castiel navigated the way to room 550 when the elevator opened, not replying when Dean commented on the many different hallways. He already knew that there were too many hallways because it was another reason he hated this hospital along with the disinfectant smell and copper metal smiling sun wall art in room 550. Dean didn’t comment on the wall art when they walked into the room.

He signed himself in then took the seat next to Dean, scanning the room and, as usual, they were the only men. Castiel didn’t comment on it until Dean tapped his knee with his own, leaning in to whisper.

“Not a lot of guys here, huh?” Dean said. “I guess you could always pick up a hot mom.”

“Yes, because this is where I like to pick up people,” Castiel rolled his eyes with a smile. “Why not date someone that has a terrible body too?”

“You guys could sit in your heating pads and watch television together,” Dean said.

“And complain,” Castiel added then looked at Dean with serious eyes. “It’s a very important aspect of living with chronic pain.”

“Oh, of course.” Dean smiled. “You can’t forget that.”

Castiel laughed, nose scrunching up and gums showing until it faded when he heard his name called from the front of the room. He glanced over, saw a nurse in scrubs then stood up and walked into the entry way.

When the nurse led him into the same room and told him that Dr. Nguyen would be in shortly, he nodded and took a seat into the black plastic seat up against the wall. The scene was all too familiar. Castiel greeted Dr. Nguyen when she walked into the room and she looked exactly the same, only noting the different shirt she wore. He didn’t know what to say when she brought up the fact that it had only been two weeks since he started gabapentin and tradazone.

“Yes, well,” Castiel said. He watched as Dr. Nguyen sat in the chair opposite of him when she finished washing her hands. “It’s been a difficult two weeks to say the least.”

“Oh, how so?” Dr. Nguyen asked.

“Well,” Castiel began, pausing a moment when she brought his files to her lap. “I’ve been dealing with awful brain fog that has prevented me from doing most things and the drowsiness doesn’t help either.”

“I see, and how is your pain level?”

The thing was, although he appreciated Dr. Nguyen for her patience and everything she had done for him, he still received that hint of misunderstanding from her. It happened with every doctor that he had seen because they tended to focus solely on the chronic pain. It made sense, on the surface, because it that’s what his fibromyalgia was, but it was so much more than that. It was all of the other symptoms that went with it. The brain fog, the drowsiness, the mood swings and an array of other symptoms that came and went. He didn’t even want to think about how it affected his relationships.

But it was always about his pain level and nothing else. Castiel resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

“It’s fine, actually. The medications are doing quite well on that front but I don’t think that the gabapentin is for me.” Castiel said.

“It does take about four weeks to get accustomed to the medications, Mr. Novak.” Dr. Nguyen said, her voice stayed leveled. “Why don’t you just stay on it for another two weeks to see if it works?”

“No, you’re not listening,” Castiel said, huffing softly. “It’s not for me. I have to start taking something else.”

If Castiel could, he’d tell Dr. Nguyen about his situation with Balthazar and Emmi. No, Castiel immediately thought, that was a lie because he could barely tell Dean. It didn’t matter who he told, really. He just needed to get off of it. Dr. Nguyen tried once more and after a glare from Castiel with another decline, she opened his files again.

“Alright, let’s try something else,” Dr. Nguyen said, her eyes scanning through the files. “I’m assuming you haven’t started any other medications these past two weeks or acquired any new allergies?”

Castiel never understood how his pollen allergy had anything to do with pain medication, but he answered the questions nonetheless. The appointment ended with Castiel having to be weaned off gabapentin to begin Lyrica which, like Dr. Nguyen told him two weeks before, had about three times the amount of side-effects that gabapentin had. Castiel tried not to think about that.

“I’ll see you in four weeks to see how the medications are working,” Nguyen said, standing up with Castiel. She smiled as she shook his hand. “It’s always a pleasure to see you.”

“Same to you,” Castiel said, then watched her leave before he headed out of the room and into the waiting room.

Castiel made eye contact with Dean when he walked into the waiting room and paid for the appointment before signing himself out.

“So, did everything go alright?” Dean asked as he stood up.

“Yes,” Castiel said, leading the way out of the room. He glanced down at his prescription then back to Dean once they got to the elevator. “We need to stop at the pharmacy.”

“Of course.” Dean said with a nod.

Dean headed down the highway towards Castiel’s after they stopped at the pharmacy but when he turned left instead of right, Castiel’s nerves fell through the car.

“Where are we going?” Castiel asked, turning to Dean.

“My place,” Dean said, glancing over at Castiel with a smile then looking back onto the road. “You know you’ve never been which is a shame considering I’ve been to yours more times than I can count.”

“I’m not sure,” Castiel said, his voice panicky. “I’ve been feeling a bit-”

“Come on, man. It’s not good to be cooped up,” Dean said. “We’ll order pizza and watch some _X-Files_ ,” He continued when Castiel didn’t respond. “Or _House of Cards_ and there’s always movies.”

“I can’t eat pizza.” Castiel said, keeping his eyes on the windshield.

“It’s 2015, Cas,” Dean said, making another turn. “There’s this thing called gluten-free pizza.”

***

They bought take out from a place called Project Pie and Castiel couldn’t pretend that the large pizza on his lap didn't smell delicious. He also couldn’t pretend that Dean’s place was anything that he expected. Castiel wasn’t sure what he had expected, but the condo was clean with picture frames of family and friends and seemed lived in and warm. While it was the same feeling he got whenever he went to Sam’s, it was better. He only wished that Dean had a dog, too.

After making their plates and drinks, they settled into the small living room that was right off the kitchen. Dean quickly announced that chick flicks were off the table which brought out a frown from Castiel. He just wanted to watch a romantic comedy and hate it. Castiel didn’t see any problem with that. They watched _The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug_ instead. It was the farthest thing from a romantic comedy and Castiel was sure that was half the reason that Dean suggested it. Castiel liked the movie, too, and got comfortable after he started his second slice.

Conversations with Dean had always been easy, at least once they got over the awkward acquaintance stage, and felt comfortable with talking through the whole movie. Castiel even revealed that he thought Martin Freeman was attractive because, well, he did have a sweet face and a British accent. He pursed his lips when he realized what he said.

“Richard Armitage is pretty smokin’ too,” Dean said, before he took a sip of his beer. “Dark hair and blue eyes? Total babe.”

“I could see it.” Castiel hummed as he took a bite of pizza.

“Who can’t?” Dean asked and the question brought out a laugh from Castiel.

Castiel ate one more slice of pizza before he put his and Dean’s plates in the dishwasher and grabbed the blanket off of the chair adjacent to the sofa. He wrapped himself in it and started watching the movie again.

“You know what I hate about Balthazar?” Castiel said.

“What?” Dean asked, completely caught off guard by the statement. Castiel continued anyway.

“His stupid fucking face,” Castiel said, keeping his voice even and his eyes on the television. “I also hate the way the way that he kept calling me ‘sweetheart’ or ‘darling’. It seems very condescending to me now.” Castiel said then looked over at Dean. “Can you turn the volume up?”

***

Castiel kept going over to Dean’s through the week as he transitioned to Lyrica and it seemed like the further he got away from the drowsiness and brain fog, the more things he found he hated about Balthazar. The reasons got more personal as the week went on and most of the time, neither of them watched the movie or show that they were supposed to be watching because Castiel was too busy ranting.

Although he never yelled and kept his words concise, he usually paced around the living room or sat on the couch, making wild hand gestures with furrowed brows. It was as if Castiel had these thoughts roaming around in his mind for years and finally decided to let them out.

“The thing is, Dean,” Castiel said as he sat on the couch, looking over to Dean who was in the kitchen getting a beer. “Is that he always forced me to attend all of his law firm banquets and I would have to wear these ties and godawful suits. I never forced him to attend any of our work functions, ever. Of course, I never wanted to go, but I’d still never force him. I never forced him to do anything.”

“Well, that’s good on you. No one should force you to do anything.” Dean said.

“He molded me into this different version of myself that I… I don’t even recognize anymore.” Castiel continued, his voice faltering. “He wanted that big house, he wanted me to have a Lincoln, and he always cared about what I looked like. He cared so much more about how he presented himself and me to his colleagues. He used me like I was some prize that he just wanted to show off. ” Castiel’s voice steadied again. “I’m so angry. I just…”

Castiel’s brows knitted together and his face hardened while his hands curled into fists. His knuckles turned white while his jaw set tightly and he huffed in frustration once he uncurled his hands. Castiel ran a hand through his hair as Dean opened his beer bottle.

“What are you going to do about it?” Dean asked, walking back into the living room. The question seemed to spark something in Castiel and Dean’s brows came together when he watched his friend get up from the couch to slip on his shoes by the front door. “What are you doing?”

“We’re,” Castiel said as he slipped on his tennis shoes. “We’re going to Balthazar’s.”

“Cas, come on, don’t be crazy. It’s, like, almost ten.” Dean said, watching Castiel bend over and lace up his right shoe.

Castiel straightened and looked at Dean, confused. He looked at the clock hanging on the wall then back to Dean. “It’s not even nine-thirty yet. Also, you’re the one that told me that I can’t stay cooped up so I’m not staying cooped up.”

“Yeah, and when I said that, I meant us hanging out. We could go to Charlie’s again or something,” Dean said. “Not go to your ex-husband’s in the middle of the fucking night.”

“He’s awake. He doesn’t go to bed for a few more hours.”

“That’s not the point, man.” Dean said, huffing slightly. “Come on.”

Castiel’s eyes closed into a squint and Dean found himself setting down his beer to get his shoes on.

***

“You know, he might not even let you in.” Dean said softly, keeping his eyes on the road.

Castiel still hadn’t said a word since they started driving to Balthazar’s. He kept his eyes on the road, like Dean, and only noticed the glowing street lamps passing them from the corner of his eye. Castiel’s anger stirred up in him and he felt sparks course through him the closer they got to Balthazar’s. When Dean arrived at Balthazar’s, sitting in the street with his foot on the break because it wasn't like he was actually going to park the Impala for Castiel because this was ten types of crazy, he sighed and looked up at the expansive Spanish style home.

“Cas,” Dean began then closed his mouth when Castiel got out of the Impala and headed to the front door. He sighed again then set the engine in park.

Castiel took in the dark wood front door when he arrived at the porch. He saw that the lights were still on, usually an indicator that a person was still awake, but Balthazar never turned them off. While his excuse was something along the lines of wanting to keep burglars away, Castiel just saw it as another way Balthazar wasted electricity. Another reason why he hated his ex-husband, he supposed.

He squared his shoulders, took a deep breath to calm his slight anxiety and overwhelming anger, and knocked. Castiel looked over to his right and noticed that Balthazar’s black Mercedes sat in the driveway, all slick and freshly washed. He probably parked it on his driveway so people could know how wealthy he was. What a dick. Castiel pursed his lips when he noticed Balthazar turn into the front hallway and once his ex-husband opened the door, Castiel felt like he had been kicked in the stomach.

“Hi, Balthazar,” Castiel greeted with an enthusiastic smile.

“Cassie… What are you doing here?” Balthazar looked more stunned than anything and Castiel almost wanted to laugh. Balthazar’s arrogance took over his confusion, an easy smile growing on his lips. “ I didn’t call you, darling.”

Although Castiel felt his insides twist and knot, he kept his animated demeanor. “I know. It’s a shame, isn’t it?”

The next thing Castiel knew he was being pulled into the house, Balthazar murmuring in his ear that they had to be quiet because Emmi was upstairs asleep as they kissed. Their kisses were messy and needy and Castiel knew after almost twenty years what to do to get Balthazar in the mood. Kiss there, move his hands there, and moan a handful of times. It became an outdated routine quicker than anything that resembled excitement.

They traveled to the couch, their kisses turning needy and desperate, and Balthazar suddenly stopped pawing at Castiel’s belt when Castiel started laughing against his lips.

“What’s so funny?” Balthazar asked, his voice muffled against Castiel’s lips until he pulled away.

Castiel’s smile stayed and his chuckle faded. “Do you actually think I’d have sex with you?”

“Well,” Balthazar sighed, his smug smile forming. “You know I’d be fine with a quick blow, too.”

“You’re so dense.” Castiel rolled his eyes.

“Right,” Balthazar laughed. “You’re still waiting out for a relationship, aren’t you?” Another sore twist rolled through Castiel’s stomach. Balthazar picked up on it and smiled even more. “And you’re still hung up on the whole Andrew thing, too, right? That’s why you’re here?”

The worst thing about being with someone for so long was that they knew all the right places to dig at.

Castiel swallowed and his confidence wavered, eyes softening. “When you told me you needed me, did you mean that?” When Balthazar kept quiet, he continued. “Did you need me or would you have taken anyone? I mean… I know you’re overly…”

“Do you honestly think I would want to be with you again, Castiel?” Balthazar said, cutting off Castiel’s train of thought. “Do you know how depressing it was to be around you?” Castiel’s brows scrunched together. “How could I be with you when you only complained about how you felt? If it wasn’t your back then it was your shoulder or that you felt tired or something else. It was always something with you.”

“Are you actually trying to make this out to be my fault?” Castiel asked, his anger sparking again. “Are you trying to blame me for my chronic pain?”

“And it doesn’t really matter who I’ve made love to. I’ve had plenty of people in my bed but-”

“Do you think I want this?” Castiel asked, cutting off Balthazar. The hot rage burned within him. “You don’t get to make me out to be the bad guy. I didn’t leave when things became difficult.”

“You didn’t really try, though. Did you, sweetheart?” Balthazar asked. He was so calm and Castiel hated him for it.

“I tried. I tried everything-”

“Oh, bullshit,” Balthazar scoffed. “You tried all of those hippie treatments and I had to watch you suffer through it all. No matter how much I tried to get you to even consider actual medication, you pushed back. You used me as your punching bag but I’m supposed to sit and take it?”

“Our vows did say through sickness and health,” Castiel said, sharply. “But I assume you never really cared about those either.”

“Only as much as you did. You were always such a stubborn bastard, you know. You only cared about yourself. I can count on my hand when you wanted Emmi up in the bedroom with you but you were always too... Too tired or in too much pain. There was always an excuse.”

“I needed you then,” Castiel said, glaring. He felt the tears fog his vision. “I needed you so much and you were never there. I just… I lost everything and you just watched.”

“You had Emmi and I but I guess that was never good enough,” Balthazar said, his words were empty. “I assume it’s why you pushed us away so much. But at least you’re alone now, right? It’s what you’ve always wanted, right? Did I tell you that Emmi wants to stay here with me?”

Although Castiel felt hollow, his hands shook with rage. Balthazar’s words twisted and repeated in his mind and they felt so wrong. Castiel knew he didn’t deserve this. He knew that Balthazar’s words were false because he never meant to push away the man he loved and his daughter so far. He hadn’t meant to choose himself over them because no one ever told him how to begin his life again with chronic pain. He couldn’t even comprehend why Balthazar thought he could bring their daughter into it. Castiel just wanted to talk about Andrew, not their marriage and he didn’t need that band-aid ripped off again. He got off the couch and as he walked into the front entry way into the coat closet, he heard Balthazar’s footsteps behind him.

“What are you doing?” Balthazar asked. Castiel opened the closet and took in all of the golf clubs that sat in Balthazar’s brown leather stand bag. Like always. God, he knew his ex-husband like the back of his hand. He took one, glanced at it with amusement then headed out the front door with Balthazar trailing behind. “I swear to God, put that down.”

Castiel eyed the black Mercedes and a hot spark of anger ran through his veins as he lifted up the golf club. He hated that fucking car. The first swung shattered the driver’s window and sent a course of adrenaline through him. Castiel didn’t even mind the loud car alarm that went off and kept swinging. He swung for his pain, both physical and emotional, for the lies, and for his anger. He swung at the car as hard as he could and the more damage he caused, the better he felt.

At least that’s what he thought until he heard Dean’s panicked yells getting closer. Castiel heard Dean call his name, telling him to stop, and heard something that sounded like he was talking to Balthazar. When Dean managed to take the golf club from him, Castiel realized that he was sobbing.

Dean put him in a hold, his hands on both of Castiel's arms as they walked back to the Impala, and maneuvered him into the passenger seat before closing the door. While Castiel heard the muffled angry conversation between Dean and Balthazar, he couldn’t make sense out of it through the sound of his own cry. Castiel heard the driver’s door open and close soon after, feeling Dean’s presence float through the interior. When he felt Dean’s embrace, Castiel melted into it and cried. Dean laid his chin on Castiel’s head and rubbed his arms, letting them sit in the street for only a few more moments.

And, now, here Castiel was sitting in the car of the man that was only supposed to deliver his files crying in his arms feeling devastated, angry, and _safe_. It’s all very strange how things work out. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's all uphill here, my friends! Comments are always appreciated too!


	17. Chapter 17

Dean found himself at Target two days before Castiel’s birthday. He strolled through the Movies, Music, and Books section to find a gift while he stayed on the phone with Castiel, his friend going off about the voicemail and email that Balthazar sent him.

Apparently, Balthazar was pissed at the damage Castiel did to his Mercedes and decided to take legal action against him to have full custody of Emmi. While Dean tried to pretend that he was shocked, he saw something like this coming.

After Dean took the golf club away from Castiel and guided him to the Impala, he exchanged some heated words with Balthazar. The guy was angry about the damage and although Dean agreed with him to some extent about it since he didn’t know what went down inside the house, he still knew Balthazar was a raging douche.

Because of that, Dean didn’t feel that bad giving him a piece of his mind when Balthazar threw a few verbal punches at Castiel.

Balthazar kept calling Castiel useless and used some British slang that Dean didn’t know, but he got the gist of it. According to Balthazar, Castiel was an incompetent man that couldn’t take care of himself let alone their daughter and now he was going to pay.

Fast forward to now and Dean couldn’t get a word in edgewise in his call with Castiel. The guy was freaking out, to say the least.

_“I can’t even believe what came over me, Dean, and now he’s calling his lawyer and I know he’s experienced and expensive. I’m not sure if I could even afford someone similar. I just... I can’t believe it and the social worker that worked with us before... I hope she won’t be back because she hated me, Dean, and I-”_

Dean stopped by the book section and let his eyes wander through the selection.

“Cas,” It was the first time during the whole conversation that Castiel paused. He took a moment to gather his thoughts as he listened to Castiel’s breathing even out on the other line. Dean was sure if Castiel hadn’t stopped soon, he’d talk himself into a panic attack. He’d seen the new guy in marketing, Alfie, do the same thing once. “Everything’s gonna be fine, alright? Has he sent you anything yet?”

_“He has only sent me the email and... And the voicemail.”_

“You should send them to Sam so he can look ‘em over.” Dean said, picking up a book to read the back of it.

_“I don’t want to get Sam involved in this. He’s busy enough as it is.”_

“He’s a family lawyer, so this is his kind of thing,” Dean said, setting the book down and eyeing the others. He picked up another book with a black sleeve. Dean was sure that Sam chose the field because of their own fucked up childhood and wanted to help other kids not end up in similar circumstances. “And I’m sure he’ll be happy to help because he knows how much Emmi means to you.”

Castiel took a moment to respond and sighed on the other end. _“If it isn’t too much trouble because I know he’s busy with more important-”_

“He’ll make time to look at them,” Dean interrupted, putting the book down and deciding to head to the movie selection but stopped when a book caught his eye. “So, how’s the rest of your week been going?”

Dean listened to Castiel recount the past few days, he had to go into the office tomorrow to speak to Zachariah, and his ears perked up when he mentioned his siblings. _“They’re coming in the next day for my birthday, so I’ve been cleaning as much as I can today.”_

“I thought they rarely came out for birthdays?” Dean asked, deciding on the book and making his way to the checkout lanes. He knew that Castiel wasn’t a fan of big celebrations. “You guys gonna do something fun?”

 _“Considering Gabriel, I won’t be surprised if we end up in one of those rundown male strip clubs on the other side of town,”_ Dean heard a chair being pulled against hardwood floor for a few seconds before Castiel continued with another sigh. _“But since Anna knows how I’ve been doing these past few months, she wanted to come down. I’m sure she just wanted to check up on me.”_

“It’ll be fun. Just bring some hand sanitzer to the strip club and you’ll be golden,” Dean’s upper lip quirked up when he heard Castiel’s chuckle on the other end and set the book down on the conveyer belt. “I gotta go, man. But I’ll see you tomorrow at work. Charlie and Garth and a few others have been asking about you.”

_“Oh, yeah?”_

“Yeah, everyone’s been wondering how you’ve been. Cas this, Cas that, it’s like I don’t even exist anymore,” His ears perked up when he heard Castiel’s low rumble and the warm knot began again in his lower stomach. Dean smiled at the checkout woman when the mother and son before him finished putting their bags in the cart and walked away. “Alright, I really gotta go. I’ll see you tomorrow, alright?”

_“Yes, Dean, I’ll see you tomorrow. Have a good night.”_

Dean sighed once he ended the call and stuffed the cell phone in his pocket. He knew he had to get over this thing he had with Castiel. This feeling that absolutely made no sense and could never happen because, well, life was a bitch and things never ended right for him.

If anyone needed proof, Dean could show them his shitty childhood or the mess of a relationship with Lisa or Cassie or Aaron. If that wasn’t enough, he was sure that he’d find more things that hadn’t gone right in his life.

“And how are you today?” The checkout woman, Alicia, according to her nametag, asked with a friendly smile.

“Just peachy,” Dean smiled back. He tried to pull back his sarcasm as he got out his wallet. “And how are you?”

***

The following day had been as uneventful as the previous. Of course, Ruby was still dropping in and out of the office to check on everything and give her opinions. After working with her for four months, Dean finally admitted to himself that he couldn’t blame her for that because it was her book.

She was still a pain in the ass to work with and because of this, Dean still cherished his lunch break the most. It was where he got to spend an uninterrupted hour with his colleagues which also happened to be when they usually brought up Castiel. He never wanted to think about how the two things could be related.

“Are you sure? I’m positive that he’ll love it,” Charlie said. It was nearing the end of their lunch break and when Dean casually mentioned the Kurt Vonnegut book that he bought for Castiel’s birthday, he practically saw the ideas start forming in her head as her eyes lit up. “Who doesn’t like surprise parties? He doesn’t have to plan anything and it’ll be at my place. We’ll invite all our friends and it’ll be _so_ fun!”

“Charlie,” Dean sighed then took the last bite of his turkey sandwich. He grabbed one of the white napkins in the middle of the table to wipe off his hands. “He doesn’t want a big party. It’s just not his thing.”

“But this won’t be a big party. It’ll just be us,” Charlie said then looked over at Garth. “Right? Don’t you think he’d love it?”

“Uh, yeah, I think it’ll be fun.” Garth nodded. “How many people will be there?”

Charlie thought for a moment, pursing her lips, then flashed a smile. “Ten! Well, including Cas, it’ll be eleven. So, not a big party at all.”

Dean rolled his eyes. He watched them for another second before he huffed, “Alright, alright and he has to know everyone that’s invited and… and I’ll deal with the food situation.”

Charlie squealed as her hands curled into fists for a moment then clasped together. “Oh my god, I’m so excited! Let’s have it this Saturday! That’s not too early, is it?”

And now, Dean stood next to the copying machine as he rattled his brain for food ideas, scanning papers for the department, and quickly wondered why Alfie wasn’t the one completing this mundane task. His thoughts of organic vegetable dip and gluten-free anything stopped when he heard commotion coming from down the hall.

Dean popped his head out of the room then looked around to see where the noise was coming from and when he heard another boastful yell, his eyes zeroed in on Zachariah's office. He stared at the two office doors for a handful of seconds and was just about to turn back to the copying machine until Castiel pushed out of them.

Dean immediately noticed that Castiel was pissed and he felt a sense of dread in the air as the guy walked down the hall. If he was Zachariah, Dean would just duck back into the room but if he could handle Castiel when he’s swinging a golf club at a car that costs almost a hundred grand, he sure as hell can handle him now.

“Hey, Cas!”

Castiel turned to Dean and when they made eye contact, his demeanor softened slowly. “Dean,”

“You doing alright?” Dean asked. While he waited for an answer, he felt the dread in the air lift. “Charlie missed you at lunch.”

Dean missed Castiel, too, for obvious reasons that he couldn’t deny to himself, but it wasn’t the time for that. Castiel pursed his lips, glanced around the hall then huffed. “I just finished speaking to Zachariah and it didn’t go so well.”

“Oh,” Dean nodded slowly. The vague statement could mean anything considering the colorful language and loud volumes he heard from the room. “But it wasn’t anything too bad?”

“No, everything is relatively fine,” Castiel frowned. He stepped into the room, glanced at the papers that sat on the copying machine then to Dean. “Would you want to go to dinner tomorrow night?” Dean’s stomach flipped as hopeful anxiety eased into him. “I’m having dinner with my siblings but I don’t think I can handle them alone. It’ll be around seven, too, by the way, and I just thought…”

Dean watched Castiel’s eyes soften as he trailed off. “Uh, no, no. I’d love to come and it’s your birthday, so it’s the least I could do. It’ll be fun.”

Castiel’s eyes brightened and Dean’s stomach twisted again. “Thank you, Dean. I know it’s probably not how you want to spend your Friday night but at least you have Saturday, right?”

“Yeah, about Saturday,” Dean rubbed the back of his neck, thinking of how to bring up the party without bringing up the party. “Are you busy? Charlie wants to hang out. It’ll be everyone like before and I’m sure that we’ll just watch some sci-fi movie.”

“I’d love that,” Castiel smiled. Dean’s insides melted then and he reeled his feelings as soon as he could. “What time?”

“Uh... I’ll have to ask Charlie.”

Castiel nodded. “Well, I’m sure I’ll be able to come. Just text me with the details. I’m going home for the day, but I’ll probably be back on Monday.” Dean watched Castiel’s eyes harden. “And I’ll text you about the dinner tomorrow, alright?”

“Yeah, sure,”

When Dean watched Castiel walk out of the room, he felt his heartbeat slow and he knew then that he was a goner. Dean’s crush or whatever had gone too far and now he was going to meet Castiel’s brother and sister at dinner like they were goddamn dating. Jesus Christ.

***

Dean could repeat the same reasons over and over as to why Balthazar Hyland was the worst man that he had ever met - excluding his father - and he’d be happy to tell anyone that wanted to listen.

Although most of the reasons included Castiel, Dean knew that regardless if he hadn’t fucked over the guy in more ways than one, he’d still feel that bad vibe from a mile away. It just didn’t help Balthazar’s case, but that was neither here nor there.

After the golf club incident between the two, Dean assumed, naively, that they would go their separate ways and he could make a move. Of course, things could never be that simple for Dean. They never were.

Now, Balthazar was apparently filing legal action against Castiel and he still wasn’t sure how Castiel felt after the whole incident. After they sat in the Impala for almost ten minutes, Dean drove Castiel back to his house and stayed there until Castiel calmed down and went to bed.

Dean felt nauseous when Castiel thanked him that night. They were in Castiel’s bedroom, he was already in bed by then, and as Dean put a glass of water on the nightstand, Castiel cleared his throat.

“Thank you, Dean, for everything,” Castiel’s voice was rougher from crying and Dean’s stomach flipped when he listened. He turned to Castiel, noticing that his eyes were still swollen and that he looked so tired. “I’m sorry for tonight. My behavior was uncalled for,” While Dean listened to the carefully planned words that he was sure Castiel chose as he changed in the bathroom, they still sounded so raw. But this time around, Dean heard a soft steadiness that was completely devoid back at Balthazar’s. “I hope that you don’t think any less of me because of it. But anyway, thank you. You’re a good friend.”

Dean’s first instinct was to correct Castiel because his emotions weren’t uncalled for, Balthazar was an ass, and he sure as hell didn’t want to be labelled as a friend. He pursed his lips and let his regret roll through him. Dean should have acted sooner because maybe all of this wouldn’t have happened.

Maybe if he acted sooner, Castiel wouldn’t have started dating Balthazar again, maybe Castiel would still feel like a competent parent for Emmi, maybe he would have helped Castiel more with everything. Maybe, maybe, maybe…

Dean nodded and swallowed slowly, “Yeah, well, you’re welcome. Rest up, alright?”

“Yes, of course. And again, thank-”

“It’s no problem, really. Text me in the morning.”

“I will,” Castiel yawned as his eyes drifted to a close. “You’re so kind.”

Dean smiled softly, watched him for a moment, then headed out of the house. When he slipped into his Impala he kept feeling the regret and sorrow course through him and no matter how hard he tried to push it down, it kept coming back up. It reminded him of the fever that he couldn’t sweat out after his last stint of the flu. The feeling was nauseating to say the least. He needed a beer.

Now, Dean was here in the bathroom in his condo checking to see if he looked good enough to meet Castiel’s siblings. He had learned the bare minimum about them which only included their names and a vague sense of what they were like.

Gabriel was the least mature, despite being the eldest, while Anna seemed to have a good head on her shoulders. Gabriel loved candy and his snarky wife to death while Anna loved the environment and her small family in Portland. Castiel only went on about his two nieces, Margaret and Eliza, because they were so sweet. Apparently whenever Anna came down with her family, the girls and Emmi became inseparable for the visit.

But that was it and Dean was sure that he’d learn more than enough this evening.

Dean eyed himself again, taking in his choice of dark jeans and button up shirt. While Castiel told him that he only had to dress casual for tonight, he wanted to make a good first impression and look good because if Castiel decided to keep in contact with two out of his ten siblings then they had to be important to him. Besides, sue him, he took pride in his appearance.

When he decided that he was satisfied with his appearance, Dean’s hand hovered over his cologne that he only used for special occasions for a moment before deciding that it would be too much. The last time he used it was with Lisa and yeah, if that wasn’t an indicator that he didn’t need to use it, then the sudden ding from his cell phone was.

Dean walked out of the bathroom and took his cell phone from his dresser to check it.

 _7:03 PM, September 18_  
_\--Hello, Dean. We’re here. My brother, Gabriel, is driving so you’ll have to sit in the back seat with Anna. Also, I’m preemptively apologizing for everything Gabriel does tonight before you get into the car. He’s a handful to say the least._

Dean’s brows knitted in confusion before a smirk took its place because how much of a handful could one guy be? He quickly realized what Castiel was referring to when he got into the back seat of the Lincoln and Beyoncé’s voice hit him like a brick wall, the sound of “Flawless” pouring into his ears.

Castiel turned around from his seat in the front, gave Dean an apologetic smile, and instead of raising his voice to be heard above the loud beat of the music, he leaned in closer to Dean.

“Hello, I’m sorry about the music but this is my sister, Anna,” he nodded towards the redhead that sat next to Dean. “And Gabriel. Also, I’m not sure where we’re going for dinner. Gabriel won’t tell us.”

“Obviously I can’t tell you, little bro, because it would ruin the surprise!” Gabriel announced above the music then looked in the rearview at Dean, his lip quirking up. Castiel sighed as he turned around his seat. “So, you’re Dean, huh? I can call you Dean-O, right?” Before Dean could answer, Gabriel continued. “I’ve heard a lot about you, Dean-O!”

Dean’s stomach turned as he glanced between Gabriel and Castiel. “He’s only messing with you,” he looked to his side and noticed Anna smiling at him, her red hair subdued by the setting sun. “He’s harmless, really. Tonight will be fun.”

“All talk and no game?” Dean smirked.

Anna laughed. “Pretty much,”

Dean relaxed into the leather seat after that, releasing the breath that he didn’t know that he was even holding in.

“So, you like Beyoncé?” Gabriel asked as the song drifted to an end.

Dean shrugged and his ears perked up when “Halo” began to infiltrate the car. He was positive that the world was out to get him then. “She’s alright,”

***

Dean wasn’t sure when his lust for Castiel turned into infatuation. The earliest moment that he could point to was after he learned that Castiel had fibromyalgia because it made everything that he considered weird or slightly irritating about him suddenly make sense. Dean felt more comfortable around the guy that moment on so when the hostess walked them to a table and Castiel visibly frowned at Gabriel, he understood why more or less.

“What’s wrong?” Gabriel asked as they all sat down and of course, he chose the seat next to Castiel, while the hostess gave them their menus. “I thought you liked Persian food?”

“I told you I didn’t want to go anywhere expensive,” Castiel said, rubbing at his shoulder. Dean pursed his lips and looked down at the dark menu with “Bandar” written in white calligraphy. He opened it and his eyes traveled through the appetizers and entrees, only stopping when he saw that one dish cost thirty-nine dollars. Castiel leaned over to Dean. “Don’t worry about the prices. I can pay for your meal.”

“No you’re not, little bro,” Gabriel interrupted, playful smile still on his lips. “Tonight’s on me. We’re here to celebrate you!”

Castiel glanced to Anna and she gave a small smile before clearing her throat. “So, Dean, you’re in marketing, right?”

Dean felt Castiel’s tension slowly fade away with Anna’s question. “Yeah, I am.”

The dinner wasn’t half bad and Gabriel’s eccentric personality kept the conversations lively. Anna and Gabriel grilled Dean with question after question about him because he was the first person in a long time that got Castiel out of his funk. Castiel rolled his eyes at that.

“What? You can’t deny it,” Gabriel said over his plate of chicken shish kabob. “You were a hermit and then this guy came along and look! You’re on the outside!”

“Gabriel,” Castiel said. His cheeks grew a faint blush.

“And with the medication, too,” Anna joined in with a bright smile. “I never thought we’d see the day. I’ve been pestering him about it for years.”

“Yeah, well, I think it has to do more about Emmi than anything.” Dean said, then took a sip of his drink. The words created a shift in the air and Dean immediately wondered if he said the wrong thing. He took another drink.

“Are you sure you’re comfortable with your friend handling the case?” Anna asked.

“Yeah, I can get the best lawyers in town in a snap,” Gabriel said. “Anything to get back at that douche-nozzle. Have you talked to Emmi lately?”

“Yes, we talked yesterday for a few minutes on the phone,” Castiel said. “and I think Sam is perfect for it. He’s highly skilled in his profession.”

Anna’s lips flattened into a thin line and Gabriel took another drink of his wine with a raised eyebrow. Dean glanced over at Castiel, noticing his wavering demeanor, then he cleared his throat. “My brother is a great lawyer. He graduated at the top of his class at Stanford and he has helped a lot of people.”

“The guy’s your brother?” Gabriel asked. When Dean nodded, he chuckled and flashed his eyes to Castiel. “You got both of the brothers wrapped up around your finger. If only we worked that great as a team.”

“We completed many projects together as children.”

“Like the breeding mice thing?” Gabriel said and when Dean’s eyes widened, he laughed. “It was for Boy Scouts. Some badge or whatever but when the ‘rents found out-”

“They immediately made us stop because they didn’t think it was morally right to pretend to be God,” Castiel said, looking at Dean. “so we stopped and it’s safe to say that we didn’t earn the badge despite Gabriel’s constant need to rationalize the situation to our scout leader.”

“Hey, I wanted to get that badge and become a First Class,” Gabriel defended. “Besides, it’s not my fault you quit.”

“I’m not bitter that I quit. I didn’t want to stay in an organization that was homophobic.” Castiel said then looked over to Dean. “Were you and Sam in the Boy Scouts?”

That was how the conversation drifted away from unpleasant subjects like Child Services and homophobia to sharing hilarious and embarrassing sibling stories which, apparently, the Novak’s had a lot of. Dean thought his stories of him and Sam growing up were bad but they didn’t come close to theirs.

He also couldn’t stop noticing Castiel’s gummy smile that radiated with joy and belly laughs while Anna recounted the time Gabriel put gum in her and Castiel’s hair as an April Fool’s joke which resulted in bad haircuts for the both of them or when Castiel brought up Gabriel’s doctor’s appointment for his rash when he was talking to his crush during their lunch period in high school.

“Yeah, she didn’t even give me a chance to explain!" Gabriel huffed. "She just walked off!” 

“I had to get back at you for switching my toothpaste with mayonnaise.”

Dean’s face scrunched up in disgust while Castiel just shrugged then took another bite of his meal. “How the hell did you do that?”

“They don’t call me the Trickster for nothing,” Gabriel’s eyes flashed a wave of a playfulness and risk as he smiled while Anna and Castiel just rolled their eyes. Dean took note of the amusing family trait. “And it doesn’t even matter because you hit yourself in the mouth with a baseball bat a week later. Karma’s a bitch, my friend.”

Dean’s brows arched in shock for a split second until he started chuckling. “Damn, I won’t ask you to participate in the office’s annual softball game then.”

“It was an accident,” Castiel said. Dean pursed his lips as he tried to contain his laughter. “I don’t remember how it happened.”

“Yeah, Castiel used to be a great soccer player,” Anna said. “He took our high school to the state championship every year and played in college too. He’s just not great with his hands.”

“Yeah, I don’t remember you ever being the goalie,” Gabriel’s brows were knitted together in thought.

Dean’s mind shifted to the thought of Castiel running around a soccer field and although soccer uniforms weren’t particularly tight, he’d still like the image of Castiel kicking the ball in cool ways. Dean figured that Castiel probably look good kicking the ball in mid air and right then, he realized that he needed to get a grip.

“Did you play any sports growing up?”

Castiel’s question grounded him back into reality. Dean looked at Castiel then shook his head. “Uh, nope. It wasn’t really my thing. I stuck to cars”

“Right, of course,” Castiel said, holding in his smile, and he took a sip of his water to keep it under control.

“Why are you smiling like that?”

“You just don’t seem like the type,” Castiel said, once he was finished with his water. He continued when Dean still seemed confused. “You just seem like the guy in high school that would get into trouble and wear a leather jacket. A bad boy, if you will, like... Danny Zuko.”

“I guess you’re Sandy, then,” Dean said. He was one-hundred percent sure that his soul ejected from his body then, especially when he watched Castiel’s mouth fall for a quick moment then formed into a small smile. He felt his cheeks burn as he tried to think of an excuse. “Because, you know, uh…”

Castiel’s smile grew. “No, I get it,”

“I’ll be Rizzo!” Gabriel chimed in.

“No, you’re definitely Doody and I’ll be Frenchie in this scenario,” Anna said then took a bite of her chicken, looking at Castiel and Dean. “Halloween is right around the corner, so if you guys still don’t have any ideas, you should do that.”

“If I attend the annual Halloween party, I’ll keep that in mind.”

Dean’s stomach turned at Castiel’s words and he hoped that it was just his nerves and not because of his food. “I prefer superheroes anyway,”

After the awkward few moments that Dean had to suffer through the rest of the dinner was pleasant and like Gabriel promised, he paid for the meal. He was also glad that Castiel decided that he was going to drive and Gabriel had too much to drink anyway.

For once, classical music was a welcomed change because Dean didn’t need need to hear Beyoncé’ sing about his desires another time around.

“You should be glad that this is your car or I would be blasting Rihanna right now.” Gabriel said then he turned to Dean. “Do you prefer Rihanna or Beyoncé?”

“I don’t have a preference.” Of course, Dean had a preference and Beyoncé’ won hands down every time. “What about you?”

“I think Rihanna. She’s feisty as hell,” Gabriel smirked then turned back around in his seat. “Your car has great speakers, little bro.”

Castiel gave a noncommittal hum. “Would you like to purchase it?”

“What?”

“I’m going to sell it,” Castiel said, his eyes still on the road. “It’s never been my style, so I’m going to sell or trade it in for something different. I was thinking something that is environmentally friendly. Maybe a Prius?”

“How can you sell this thing? It has all the bells and whistles!” Gabriel said. “It has a voice-activated navigation system with SiriusXM satellite radio, ten cup holders, heated seats, four ashtrays-”

“And when am I going to use that? I don’t smoke and no one I know smokes.”

“I’d help you look for a car, but I have to get back to work on Monday,” Anna said, leaning forward to the front seat. “Maybe Dean could help you find a car? It’s kinda your thing, right?”

“Um,” Dean glanced to Anna then to Castiel. “Yeah, I can do that,”

Dean never understood how in one moment he could be teasing and helpful to Castiel then become a blubbering pile of awkward the next. He was usually on his game when it came to flirting but, damn, Castiel was something else.

The rest of the drive went smoothly and he said his goodbyes to Gabriel and Anna while he gave Castiel a _‘happy birthday’_ before getting out of the car. Dean fiddled with his keys in his pockets as he walked up to his front door, looking back to give Castiel a wave before his friend left, and he noticed the three of them in the middle of a discussion when he did. Dean’s brows came together.

Castiel looked confused and irritated all at once. He waved anyway which resulted in a quick wave from Anna and Gabriel and a scowl from Castiel as he watched his siblings for a handful of seconds before joining in himself. They drove off a few moments later.

Weird.

***

Despite popular belief, throwing an impromptu surprise party with only two days to plan wasn’t as easy as it seemed. Dean had to call Chuck three times to get him to bail on his writing convention a day early to get him to come.

Now he was on the phone with Paula in the middle of the produce aisle of the grocery store to double check that the cake was ready to be picked up.

“Castiel is a long time customer,” Paula said. “He always comes in for birthday cakes for his daughter every year. Sometimes he stops in for cookies or muffins. He’s a great guy. Anyway, yes, the cake is all finished. The theme was a bit out of the ordinary but I think you’ll like it.”

Dean listened to her as he squeezed his way past an old woman to get some carrots. “Right, yeah, well… he’s… Are you sure the frosting is dairy free?”

The question prompted an in-depth answer about the bakery’s baking practices right up until Dean rolled his cart into the checkout lane. He said his goodbyes to Paula, telling her that he’d be there soon, and ended the call to put his things on the conveyer belt.

Dean checked his watch when he was finished putting all of the grocery bags in the trunk, trying not to mess up his gift bag. 6:05. He pursed his lips and added in the time to get to the bakery’s, then Charlie’s, then to Castiel’s at seven, and decided that being a few minutes late to Castiel’s wouldn’t hurt.

Dean was hit by the smell of sugar and the overwhelming pink decor when he arrived at Paula’s Bakery. His eyes swept the place because, holy shit, it was pink until he walked up to the counter and dinged the bell.

“Hello, welcome to Paula’s Bakery,” Dean’s eyes flashed to the door on the left that separated the customer area and the kitchen and smiled at the woman that walked out of it. She pushed her red bangs out away from her face when she smiled at him. “How may I help you?”

“I have an order for Dean Winchester,”

“Oh, right,” The woman’s eyes widened for a moment before she stuck her hand out. “We were just on the phone. I’m Paula.”

Dean smiled and took her hand. “Nice to meet you. I’m excited to see the cake.”

“Of course, I’ll be right back.”

Dean nodded as he retracted his hand and stuffed it in his jean pocket. He looked down at the glass counter and took in the cakes and other baked goods, his mouth watering. They didn’t look half bad for something that was gluten-free, dairy-free, and whatever else.

“Here it is,” Paula placed the cake on the counter. “If you can just check it before you pay to see if everything looks fine, that would be great.”

He nodded again and when he opened up the pink lid, his stomach dropped. Dean instantly regretted giving Paula ideas about bees to incorporate into her design. He eyed the yellow cake, the small bees with brown icing that trailed behind with loops, and the white flowers. Dean could practically hear the buzzing when he read the _‘Happy Birthday Castiel!’_.

He wondered why he didn’t just go with a simple sheet cake, but he knew why. Of course, Dean knew why.

“Do you like it?”

Dean closed the lid and took in Paula’s radiant hair and smile. She seemed so content in her work and her skills which she should be because the cake looked fantastic. Besides, he wasn’t not going to buy the cake because of his embarrassment. It was his fault, not hers, and he wasn’t an asshole.

“Yeah, it looks great,” Dean said. He followed Paula to the cash register to pay, pulling out his wallet. “Thank you so much. I’m sure he’ll love it.”

***

Dean arrived at Charlie’s a little half past six. The television was on some sitcom and a rush of relief flooded him when he noticed that everyone (even Sam and Jess, thank _god_ that he didn’t let work bog him down tonight) was already here.

He sat down the three bags along with his gift bag from his right arm and the cake box in his left on the kitchen counter then eyed all of the decorations that covered the living room and kitchen.

“The place looks great,” Dean looked at Charlie as she started unpacking the groceries and grinned at her party hat. “I’m gonna go get Cas and I’ll text you when I’m on my way,”

“Dude!” Dean turned back to Charlie and noticed her frown. “You’re gonna help set up the food. I spent all afternoon decorating.”

“I guess that’s only fair,” Dean walked back into the kitchen.

“Look, I know you’re nervous but this is Cas and-”

“And he hates big celebrations,” Dean said as he grabbed a few plastic bowls from a cabinet. “And-”

“And he’ll love it because this isn’t a big celebration. This is all of his friends, okay? I know you’re freaking out,” Charlie opened up the container of hummus and began scraping it into a bowl. “but he’ll love it. We’ll just hang out, eat food, and watch some TV. Nothing major. I want this to work out for you because I haven’t seen you this nervous about someone since…. I don’t even remember. Lisa? Maybe? Also, I bought more Claritin. It’s in the bathroom.”

Dean sighed as a smile grew on his lips. “You’re the best.”

***

Dean sat outside of Castiel’s house with his cell phone in his hand when he arrived. He hadn’t sent any messages to Charlie or Castiel yet. He hoped that Charlie’s pep talk would sink in deeper than it had because he knew that this night would be fine and he knew Castiel wouldn’t throw a fit because of the party.

Castiel rarely showed his emotions anyway, excluding the breakdown at Balthazar’s, but he wouldn’t damage Baby. Of course he wouldn’t. He wouldn’t, right?

Dean jumped when he heard a tap on his window and his eyes widened when he saw Castiel. He rolled down his window. “Hey, sorry I didn’t text you. I was kinda-”

“It’s fine. I was just by the door to get my shoes, I looked out the front window to see if you were here yet, and you were so…”

“Right,” Dean unlocked the passenger door and watched Castiel walk to the other side of the car and slipped in. “I just have to text…” he trailed off as he sent Charlie a quick text message then looked at Castiel when he was finished. “How’s your day going?”

Dean focused as much as he could on Castiel as they drove to Charlie’s house, hoping his deep voice would ease his anxiety like it did whenever they discussed work, but it only made it worse.

When they arrived, he followed Castiel up to Charlie’s apartment and knocked hard on the door, hoping that everything was in order and everyone was hiding. Dean set aside a lot of hope for tonight.

“Hey,” Dorothy greeted when she opened the door and Dean took note of the darkness behind her. “We’re glad you could make it.”

Dean nodded and followed Castiel into the apartment, watching his brows knit together. “Why is it so-”

“Surprise!”

Dean’s eyes took a few seconds to adjust to the lighting change then took in all of his friends from various places in the living room and kitchen. They all looked so happy and he turned to Castiel to see his reaction.

“Oh,” Castiel said. His surprise look faded as everyone started talking, asking if he expected it or how his birthday was, but his eyes focused on Charlie as she walked up to them. “I didn’t expect this.”

“No? Well, good. That’s kinda the point,” Charlie smiled. “Dean and I planned it. It was a spur of a moment thing.”

“Yeah, I told her that you don’t like big celebrations or anything so…” Dean trailed off and began again when Castiel kept quiet. “I just tried to get our friends here. I tried to talk her out of-”

“I love it.” Castiel looked at Dean with a small smile. “I don’t usually do anything for my birthday but this is nice.”

“Oh, good!” Charlie hugged Castiel then eyed him and Dean afterward. “You two have fun. The food is in the kitchen and we’re gonna watch movies and tonight is gonna kick ass.”

Dean pursed his lips to hold in his smile as he watched Charlie go back into the living room with everyone. “Thank you, Dean. These past few weeks have been difficult but this is a welcomed change of pace.”

“No problem,” Dean said. “And how could let you just sit at home this weekend? It’s like you don’t even know me.”

“Right,” Castiel chuckled. “You did say that I couldn’t stay cooped up in my house.”

“That I did, so… Movies or food?”

The get together was better than Dean had expected and he was so relieved that Castiel felt comfortable enough to enjoy himself. The last few weeks had been hard on him with Balthazar, his medication, and now the ordeal with Emmi and, if anything, he just needed a break. After watching the original _Batman_ then _Jurassic Park_ , Donna mentioned cake.

“You bought a cake?” Castiel asked as he straightened on the couch, the credits of _Jurassic Park_ rolling.

“It’s not a party without a cake,” Donna said then looked at Dean as he stood up. “It’s from that gluten-free bakery, right?”

“You didn’t have to do that,”

“Well, too late. I already did,” Dean said. “Just sit tight and I’ll bring the cake.”

Castiel nodded then settled back into the couch while Dean walked into the kitchen. His stomach twisted when he noticed Charlie’s confusion and she studied the cake. “Are you sure you didn’t get this for a child?”

“No, just…” Dean glanced down at the cake and cringed because Castiel was turning forty-one, not four. “Put candles on the cake, will ya?”

“Okaaaay,”

Dean watched as Charlie lit eight candles on the cake before he grabbed it and headed into the living room, humming the beginning of “Happy Birthday” as everyone joined in. He took in Castiel’s widening eyes as he held it in front of him while he sang.

“Wow,” Castiel said when the song finished. He looked up at Dean with amusement then blew out the candles. When Castiel looked down at it again, his smile broke into a soft chuckle. “I love the selection.”

“Well, you do love bees.” Dean shrugged then he straightened. “Alright, let’s get some plates.” When he headed into the kitchen, he tried to ignore the weird looks from Jess and Sam and the excited smile from Charlie, especially when she followed him into the kitchen. “Are you following me for a reason?”

“Are you gonna explain the bee cake?” Charlie asked. She watched Dean set down cake then began getting utensils while he got plates. “And are you gonna give him his present?”

“I already said that he liked bees,” Dean said. He took out a big cutting knife and started slicing. “And I’m pretty sure that no one else got him a present because this was supposed to be low key, so I’ll just give it to him when we leave.”

Charlie nodded slowly. “Well, tell me if he likes it when you do!”

“Of course,” Dean said then gave Charlie a plate with cake. “Now, start passing out plates.”

For a gluten and dairy-free cake, it was surprisingly delicious. Dean sat on the couch next to Castiel and felt eyes on him when he started poking at the crumbs to get them on his finger to eat. He looked over and saw Castiel smirking at him.

“What? Not my fault the cake is good,”

“Of course, it isn’t,” Castiel said. He stood up and extended his hand to Dean. “Are you finished or do you want me to get you another piece?”

“Um,” Dean glanced to his plate then back to Castiel and handed him the plate. “No, I’m good.”

“I’ll pack you some to go. I’m sure Charlie has tupperware.”

***

Dean decided to call it a night when Castiel started drifting off on the couch. While they said their goodbyes to everyone, Dean grabbed the tupperware full of cake, hell yeah, and his gift bag. He waved to everyone at the doorway, taking in Charlie’s thumbs up, before he followed Castiel down the stairs.

“So, I’m guessing you liked tonight?”

“I did,” Castiel said. “It was a good distraction from everything and Donna is starting to grow on me.”

“Yeah, she can be a bit much at first.”

Castiel nodded as they walked off the last step. “And what’s in the bag? I’m assuming it isn’t anything radioactive by how closely you’re holding it.”

“You’re right,” Dean smirked. He looked at the black bag with ‘happy birthday!’ written on it in yellow then presented it to Castiel. “It’s your birthday present. Nothing radioactive or toxic. I promise.”

“I should have told you that I was wanting some nuclear waste for my birthday,” Castiel carried the joke along as he took the bag from Dean and his eyes lit up when he took the gift out. “ _Mother Night_? I haven’t read this since college. Now we can discuss if this is better than _Cat’s Cradle_ or _Slaughterhouse-Five_.”

“Yeah, yeah we can.”

“Thank you, Dean,” Castiel eyed the book for a long moment then slipped it back into the bag. “I love it.”

This was usually the time when Dean would kiss his date. He would smile, lean in, and begin softly then deepen it as they continued. Dean could easily imagine how Castiel’s lips felt, probably rough and sweet. He was sure that Castiel was a good kisser and if he wasn’t, they would laugh and try again and again and again until they got it just right.

But Dean wouldn’t do that with Castiel. At least not now, because the guy didn’t need another complication in his life on top of the situation with Emmi. He would wait and find the perfect moment because those were still a thing and although he had fucked up many relationships in the past, he would do this one right.

“Yeah, it’s nothing,” Dean said then headed into the Impala. “Let’s get you home before you fall asleep in the parking lot,”

Castiel just rolled his eyes as he followed Dean to the car.


	18. Chapter 18

“Great work today!”

Castiel’s ears perked up and he lazily took his eyes off his computer monitor to see Zachariah standing in the doorway with a beaming smile. He internally groaned then flashed him a smile and watched Zachariah give him a thumbs up before moving along. Castiel rolled his eyes and exited out of the tab then looked at the time.

7:04PM.

He groaned and rubbed at his temples then stood up to grab his bag. Castiel needed something to take the edge off. Maybe a cup of tea or a long, warm bath or-

“Hey, didn’t know you were still here,”

Castiel turned to the door and smiled when he saw Dean. “Yes, I’ll be working longer hours for the next few weeks,”

“Only a few more weeks then it’s done,” Dean grinned. “Are you doing anything tonight?”

“Does making tea and watching _The Flash_ count?” Castiel slung his bag over his shoulder then turned off his computer. He walked over to Dean and out of the room, shutting the door behind them. “Maybe… a nice, long bath, too. Anything to get the grime of Zachariah off of me.”

Dean followed Castiel down the hallway. “Wow, bad-mouthing the boss. Never thought I’d see the day,”

“Yes, well, he deserves it,”

“Oh yeah?” Dean pushed the front door of the building open and held it for Castiel. He followed Castiel to the parking lot. “What did he do?”

“He threatened to fire me,” Castiel carried on as Dean’s eyes widened. “He explained to me that I wasn’t contributing enough to the book when I stayed home and my work was suffering. Zachariah told me all of this a few weeks ago right around my birthday,” he took out his keys from his pocket. “He went on to say that Benny had done three times as much when he took my place.”

“Like it’s your fault that you had to deal with everything,”

“Yes, and pity can only go for so long,” Castiel took in Dean’s eyes when he turned to look at him. The yellow specks that floated in the sea of green made him think of his siblings words a few weeks back. “Five or so years, in fact. We haven’t talked about it since, mainly because I brought up the ADA. It’s not like I wasn’t completing my obligations. I was just at home, but he wants me here because it’s easier for him and Ruby.”

“That’s such bullshit,” Dean’s brows came together. “Are the new meds helping any more?”

Castiel smiled as warmth spread through him. “Yes, but the fatigue is the same and I’m much hungrier than usual.”

“We could always go to In-N-Out tomorrow after we look at cars,” Dean began. “or before. It doesn’t make a difference to me.”

“I don’t think my waistline would appreciate that,” Castiel said. “I’ve already gained weight since starting the medication.”

Dean kept his eyes on Castiel as he returned the smile. “And you still look great,”

“Well, thank you,” Castiel nodded then bit his bottom lip. He rubbed his thumb over the side of his car key fob. “I’ll see you tomorrow around ten?”

“Yeah, of course,” Dean looked like he was about to touch Castiel on the shoulder for a quick second, but retracted it, and gave him a soft smile instead. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

They went their separate ways and when Castiel slipped into his Lincoln, his sibling's words grew louder in his ears. After Castiel dropped Dean off at his condo the night of his birthday, he felt eyes on him as he shifted the car into reverse.

Castiel looked up and saw Anna and Gabriel staring at him with knowing looks. His eyebrows scrunched together. “What?”

The question prompted an eye roll from both of them then a huff from Gabriel. “Baby bro, listen,”

Castiel had a hard time wrapping his head around his siblings proclamation that Dean liked him more than a friend. Apparently, to them, Dean had given him heart eyes the whole night and it didn’t help that he kept flirting with him. Castiel scoffed at that because he couldn’t flirt with anyone, but Gabriel just smirked.

_'You were smiling the whole night and he’s an attractive guy, I’ll give him that. What do you think? You think you like him, too?'_

The question swirled through Castiel’s mind countless times these past few weeks and at first, it made his stomach feel hollow. Dean was one of his closest friends and that was it. He just wanted to be friends. But as those words and all of the others kept repeating over and over again in his mind, he started noticing what his siblings were talking about.

He wasn’t sure what to do with this new knowledge.

***

After weeks of planning, at least on Dean’s part, they were finally going to look at cars. Castiel let Dean do most of the preparation because he knew next to nothing about them. He just told Dean that he wanted something reliable, compact, and environmentally friendly. Dean told him that he’d have a few options picked out when he picked him up.

Now, it was Saturday morning and Castiel nursed his tea while he watched the news, waiting for Dean. He was still a little tired, but he pinned it on his medication and surprisingly, despite Dr. Nguyen’s words, Lyrica gave him less side effects than gabapentin. Castiel was used to fatigue, regardless if it was from medication or not, but the increased hunger was a whole other situation.

Although he briefly read that an increased appetite could be a side effect of the medication, he didn’t put two and two together until he was waiting for the shower to warm up one morning. When Castiel pulled off his boxer briefs and straightened back up, he caught himself in the mirror and his brows immediately furrowed together. His eyes traveled down his body as he put his hands on his stomach then turned to the side.

Castiel’s stomach looked bigger and if he was being honest, he looked pudgy. When he weighed himself after he got out of the shower, he frowned, even more, when he saw that he gained twelve pounds. Castiel tried not to let it get to him, but he hadn’t gained this much weight in years.

While he watched the weather segment and took another sip of tea, the doorbell rang. He put his mug on a coaster on the coffee table then headed to the front door, smiling when he saw it was Dean.

“You ready?” Dean asked as he slipped past Castiel and walked into the house.

“Yes,” Castiel shut the door behind them. “Let me just get a few things then we can go.”

Castiel headed down the hallway into his bedroom and rolled his eyes when he heard Dean telling him that he thought he’d be ready. He grabbed his shoes and paperwork then walked back into the hallway. Dean changed the subject to the cars that he thought would be best.

“The Toyota Prius C, the Nissan Leaf, and there’s a lot of Hondas that could be a good fit,” Castiel nodded as he sat on the sofa. “I think we should start with Toyota and Honda. Do you still wanna go to In-N-Out? I could always eat.”

“Considering it’s ten in the morning, I haven’t thought about-”

Castiel’s words were interrupted by the doorbell ringing. Weird, he thought, no one used the doorbell mainly because he assumed that it had broken years ago. He laced up his second shoe then walked to the door, looking through his peephole. Any comfort Castiel had drained out of him as he took in the dark hair and gray suit.

It was Naomi.

If he could, Castiel wouldn’t have answered the door and just had him and Dean go through the garage to enjoy the day. He pushed down the groan on his lips and looked to Dean.

“Dean,” Castiel watched Dean’s eyes widened for a second then his brows knitting together. “The social worker I dealt with during the child custody trial is here. Do you remember me telling you about her?” Dean nodded. “I know I told you that she hated me, but she’s from the depths of hell. Please be-”

“No, no, I get it. I’ll be on my best behavior.” Dean said. “Don’t even worry about it.”

“Thank you.” Castiel’s eyes softened. When he heard the doorbell ring again, he took a deep breath and opened the door. Naomi glared for a moment then smiled, extending her hand. Castiel took it, returning the smile. “Hi, Naomi. It’s always nice to see you. I haven’t seen you in-”

“About five years, correct?” Naomi pulled her hand back and wrapped it around her folders that she carried. Castiel swallowed down his irritation and nodded. “I thought I’d see how you were doing after all these years. Your landscaping looks lovely.”

“Thank you,” If Castiel didn’t know any better, he’d end the conversation and glare at the back of Naomi’s head while she walked back to her car. But he didn't and knew that was a death sentence. “Would you like to come in?”

“I’d love to,” Naomi smiled as she walked in. If anyone asked Castiel, she smiled far too much for any normal human being. “I’ve been notified of child negligence, so I would like to see a tour of your home if that’s alright with you.” her attention quickly turned to Dean and her eyes hardened before she smiled again. “And who are you?”

“Hi,” Dean stood up from the sofa and closed the spaced between them with his hand extended. “I’m Dean Winchester. I’m a friend and colleague of Castiel’s.”

Naomi pursed her lips and nodded. Castiel knew right then that she wasn’t convinced of Dean’s explanation because, of course, no one in his life could ever be just a friend or colleague. Naomi still didn’t believe that Meg was only a babysitter for Emmi when she met her. Thank God that Meg held her snark back when they met.

“And where do you work again?” Naomi asked, shaking Dean’s hand.

“Goldenwoods Publishing,” Dean waited until Naomi to retract her hand and let his hands fall to his sides. “I only work in marketing. Castiel is the real star of the show.”

Naomi hummed noncommittally then glanced to Castiel. “Let’s start in the kitchen.”

Castiel watched Naomi walk into the kitchen to investigate. She was meticulous in her actions, examining the appliances and pantry, before jotting a note in her file and making her way into the living room. The only positive that Castiel could get out of watching Naomi inspect his home from top to bottom was the consistency.

Considering that he had been in this situation before, he knew what to expect. After the thorough inspection, Naomi would probe him with questions then leave. It was easy on the surface, but he was currently battling a bad case of restlessness and fear simultaneously. He was just glad that Dean kept to himself.

“Where is your daughter today, Castiel?” Naomi walked down the hallway, going into the office.

Castiel watched as Naomi opened the closet. “She’s at school but she’s staying with my ex-husband for the week.”

Naomi nodded as she made another note in her folder then headed into Emmi’s room. Castiel followed her and scanned it to make sure everything was in order. It was a little messy, but Emmi was only seven. She’d have to understand that, right?

“And when will you see her next?” Naomi circled the room then looked at Castiel.

“Balthazar and I haven’t discussed it,” Castiel said. Naomi’s eyes hardened and he sighed, trying again. “You’ll have to ask him.”

Another nod from Naomi before she walked out of the room and into his bedroom. It never seemed that messy until Naomi pursed her lips. The bed’s comforter was bunched up at the foot of the bed, some clothes were in a pile in the corner, and his daily pill organizer sat on the nightstand.

“I assume you are still dealing with your…” Naomi trailed off, looking at Castiel.

“Fibromyalgia?”

“Yes,” Naomi’s eyes traveled up and down Castiel then met his eyes. “that.”

Castiel remembered the first time Naomi addressed his fibromyalgia. She called it a condition, even when Meg kept correcting her and while Castiel knew he should have been as agitated about it as Meg, he wasn’t at all.

He was still so ashamed of it five years ago. Throughout the child custody trial and the entire length of the divorce, he still used his cane regularly. It was a physical reminder of all of his newfound limitations and the first time Naomi looked at him, he swore that he saw judgment in her eyes. He could never understand how she got into social work.

Because of her judgment and his low self-worth, he loved that she had only vaguely hinted at it. Castiel was better than his chronic pain and he wished that everyone had just ignored it. He wanted to feel normal again.

But Naomi’s quick dismissal irritated him now. It was a harsh reminder of how most people saw him whenever they found out about his fibromyalgia. No matter how many different ways Castiel tried to explain it from the spoon theory to the textbook definition, it was still a confusing hassle for them. After five years, he learned that people were so irritated that he couldn’t be normal.

“Yes, well…” Castiel began. He was irritated that it was still acceptable to be overtly ableist. “It is a chronic condition.”

“Right, and are you taking any medication for it?”

Castiel listed his medications for Naomi and answered her questions about the side-effects, trying not to flinch whenever she brought up Emmi. He knew that Emmi was her main concern. But God, the way she handled the situation hurt like hell.

“I think I’ve heard enough,” Naomi closed her file and smiled at him. “I would like to talk to your friend before I leave.”

“That’s perfectly fine with me,” Castiel said, leading them back into the living room. He eyed Dean, looking from Naomi to him a few times, and watched his brows furrow in confusion. “Would you like something to drink while you two talk?”

Dean’s eyes widened then locked onto Naomi as a smile appeared on his lips.

“I’m fine,” Naomi sat on the sofa adjacent to Dean. She opened the file again. “And your name is Dean Winchester, correct?”

“Yes, ma’am,” Dean said. “W-I-N-C-H-E-S-T-E-R.”

Castiel stayed in the kitchen as Naomi questioned Dean. He cleaned the dishes slowly and his ears perked up periodically for some of Naomi’s questions. Relief fell over him when she announced she was finished and he dried his hands on a kitchen towel before walking her out to the front porch.

“I only want the best for your daughter. I’m not the bad person in this situation. I want her safe and I want you to be a capable father. Not a friend, but a father.” Naomi said. “I didn’t find anything that would be evidence of any neglect, but I want you to understand that being a father is a full-time job. There are no breaks for anything,” she stuck out her hand. “I hope I don’t see you again, Castiel.”

Castiel felt irritation bubble up inside him as he took her hand. “I... I wish you all the best.”

Naomi nodded, retracted her hand, then spun on her heel and walked to her car. Castiel watched her back out of the driveway and down the road before he headed back inside.

“How was I?” Dean asked as Castiel shut the door behind himself.

Castiel frowned as he walked to the couch. When he sat down, he put his head in his hands and groaned.

“I didn’t think I was that bad,”

“You were fine, Dean.” Castiel kept his head in his hands then looked up, running a hand through his hair. “I’m just... frustrated with everything. This whole thing with Balthazar is so demanding and I can’t do anything without being questioned about the medication or my pain. I feel as though I’m being treated like a child.”

When his eyes locked on Dean’s, Anna’s words faded into his mind: ' _He just looks at you in this way… Like he’s hanging on to every word... Like everything you say is the most interesting thing he’s ever heard.'_

Dean nodded. “We don’t have to look at cars today. We can just stay here and watch something.”

Castiel smiled softly then grabbed the remote. Dean moved to sit next to him and they watched _Back to the Future Part II_ before heading to the first car dealership. When Dean informed him that they were heading to the Toyota dealer first, Castiel gave a noncommittal hum as he looked out the window.

They were greeted by a short, pudgy man when they slipped out of the Impala. Castiel took in his nametag, Phil, as the man shook both of their hands.

“Welcome to the dealership, I’m Phil,” Castiel eyed his bright red tie and tan suit, noting that the man lived up to the cheap car salesman stereotype. “What can I help you with today?”

Dean dealt with Phil, telling him what they were looking for, and Castiel followed them around the parking lot as Phil told them about cars. They all looked and sounded the same to him. While he needed to pay attention, Castiel could only think about Emmi and the hearing. After Phil showed them a few cars, he left them alone to mull over the choices. Dean cleared his throat as they walked around a lot of Priuses.

“You alright?”

Castiel looked up from the page of information on the red Prius’ window and his brows furrowed. “No, not really,”

“Sam has it all under control,” Dean said. “It’ll be fine,”

Castiel frowned even more as he felt his chest grow hollow. “But it might not. Zachariah, Naomi… Balthazar… They don’t understand what it’s like to live with chronic pain... To lose your health unexpectedly...” his breath caught in his throat. “And if I lost Emmi. I don’t even know what I’d do.”

Dean stared at him for a moment, his lips thinned. “I think we should head back. We can do this another time.”

Castiel followed Dean back to the Impala and stayed quiet on the way back to his home. They settled into the living room and Castiel wrapped one of the afghans around himself while Dean chose something. These times were nice. They didn’t have to talk and things were just understood. Castiel thanked him when Dean went into the kitchen and popped some popcorn. He sat the bowl in between them while they watched _Back to the Future Part III_. Castiel fell asleep in the middle of their second movie and woke up to the sound of yelling.

“Was it too loud?”

Castiel blinked lazily and turned to the television, some guy yelling at another about something, then to Dean. His brows unfurrowed as he ran a hand over his face. “It’s fine.”

“I can go if you want to take a nap,” Dean said as he lowered the volume.

“No, no,” Castiel yawned. “Stay. I want you here.”

Dean bit his bottom lip for a moment then settled back into the couch. Castiel thought he was going to say something, but he turned to the television and shoved a handful of popcorn in his mouth instead.

***

Castiel woke up the next morning feeling terrible. While his pain level was relatively the same and it was definitely not a flare up, he felt emotionally drained and, well, terrible. Castiel hadn’t seen Emmi since Balthazar took her before his birthday. Phone calls could only do so much.

He took his cell phone off of his nightstand to check any missed messages. None. Castiel frowned and if he hadn’t already promised Sam that he would come over to talk about the hearing more extensively, he would have stayed in bed. After getting ready and finally leaving when the morning dipped into the afternoon, he drove to Sam’s and rubbed his lower back as he waited for Sam to answer the door.

Castiel heard Sam’s hushes as Nugget barked behind the door. He smiled softly when Sam opened the door, Nugget behind him with a wide smile and wagging tail.

“Hey, man,” Sam opened the door further to let Castiel in. Nugget immediately went to Castiel’s leg to sniff him. “How are you holding up?”

“Honestly,” Castiel said as he bent down to pet Nugget. “I can’t wait until this is all over.”

“I’m sure. You wanna get started or watch something first? I could make something to eat?”

“No, that’s alright,” Castiel straightened. “I’d rather get all of it out of the way first.”

They settled at the kitchen table and organized the documents into neat piles. Castiel listened to Sam go on about the motion of modification, questions that may be asked during the hearing and how to answer them.

“Although most research suggests that joint custody is best for children,” Sam began. He sat next to Castiel and gave him the motion of modification document. “The custody agreement will only change if the judge thinks that there is a change in circumstance that is not in the best interest of the child whether it be with sickness, moving, or a loss of a job. Besides the challenges of finding the right medications, has anything else affected you that you think might impact the decision?”

The morning Zachariah threatened to fire him flashed through his mind. “Well, Zachariah, my boss, has told me that I’m at risk for being fired.”

Sam’s eyes widened. “What?”

Castiel sighed and told him the situation with Zachariah, continuing as Sam’s eyes widened during a few parts. “Anyway, I informed him about the ADA and he hasn’t said anything about it since.”

“Cas, if Balthazar learns about this…”

“But he won’t,” Castiel said, sharply. “There’s absolutely no way he could learn about it, but I couldn’t lie to you.”

“Right,” Sam said. “If Zachariah ever gives you trouble about working, I could give you some contacts for a disability lawyer.”

“I’d appreciate that,” Castiel said. He looked down when he felt Nugget at his side and bent down to pet him again.

Sam grinned at the sight. “He loves you, you know. Maybe you should get a dog of your own.”

“Emmi has been asking for one,” Castiel smiled as he petted Nugget one last time before straightening up to look at Sam. “They might be too much work for me right now.”

“Or a cat.”

“Yes,” Castiel said as he watched Sam pick up the motion of modification document to put back in its file. “Maybe.”

Castiel stayed for an early dinner and movies when Sam told him that Jess had a night shift. They settled in the living room while Nugget laid next to him on the floor and Sam threw in tidbits of trivia about the movie throughout. Castiel missed this. He and Sam used to hang out a lot more often, but ever since he and Dean got close, their hangout sessions became close to nothing. Sam had never said anything about it, though.

Thoughts of Dean filled Castiel’s mind, then, especially when Sam kept talking about how the movie they were currently watching, _The Truman Show_ , was one of Dean’s favorites. He checked his cell phone and wasn’t surprised that he hadn’t heard anything from Dean. Castiel told him that he’d be at Sam’s today and he guessed that Dean was giving them their time to figure out the hearing.

He swiped into his cell phone and went into his message log with Dean. The last message that Dean sent him was _‘goodnight. I’ll text you soon’_ after they spent most of last night texting. The words of Anna and Gabriel about him and Dean soon infiltrated his thoughts next. It had been weeks since his birthday dinner, but he still couldn’t get their ideas out of his head.

_'Of course, Dean likes you, has no one else told you this? I could see it from the moment he got into the car.'_

If Dean had a crush on him, he was sure that his friend would have said something by now.

 _'I understand why Dean hasn’t told you. You’re still in so deep with_ _Balth that it would be bad timing if he did anything now. Don’t you think?'_

When Gabriel and Anna told him those things in the car that night, he rolled his eyes at them. Now, though, he couldn’t get the way Dean looked at him at the dealership out of his mind. Castiel felt so low that day and his small venting session to him hadn’t changed his mood. But when he looked at Dean and took in his green eyes, he swore that he saw something. Something that Anna and Gabriel mentioned about Dean. It left a strange feeling in him.

_'Just think about it, okay? He seems like a great guy.'_

Castiel thought about it all night until his medication put him to sleep. He woke up with the same strange feeling and thought about it constantly now. He couldn’t look at Dean for too long until his siblings words and his lingering thoughts of the possibility began. It was still a weird and confusing concept.

But Castiel appreciated Dean. He was still a great friend and had helped him immensely throughout all of this. His thumbs hovered over the keyboard. The hearing was in two weeks. He hoped that it was enough notice.

 _6:21 PM, October 5_  
_To: Dean Winchester_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--I hope this isn’t too short of notice, but would you want to come to the hearing? I’d appreciate the support._

Castiel set his cell phone down when the gray response bubbles didn’t immediately come. He tried to focus on the movie.

_'It’s been five years, bro. You gotta stop stalling and put yourself out there again.'_

The ding from his cell phone pulled him out of the intrusive thoughts.

 _6:26 PM, October 5_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\--yeah, i'll_ _totally come. How was Sam’s? I’m guessing you left already_

 _6:27 PM, October 5_  
_To: Dean Winchester_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--I’m still here. We haven’t hung out in a while, so we thought now would be a good time as any._

 _6:28 PM, October 5_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\--Yeah, that’s kinda my fault isn’t it? But really, you can’t blame me for all of it. Not my fault we have the same taste in shows_

 _6:29 PM, October 5_  
_To: Dean Winchester_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--I also love your character impressions. Sam can’t do any._

 _6:30 PM, October 5_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\--They are freaking awesome. I guess we’re both to blame_

 _6:31 PM, October 5_  
_To: Dean Winchester_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--I guess so._

 _6:32 PM, October 5_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\-- :)_

Castiel pursed his lips as he tried to stifle his smile.

“Who are you texting over there?” Castiel turned to Sam and saw a smile of his own. “Have you already met someone I don’t know about?”

“No, it’s Dean,”

Sam smirked. “Right. Tell him I said hi.”

“Of course,” Castiel said then turned back to his cell phone.

Castiel texted Dean off and on through the evening. He shoved his cell phone in his pocket when he called it a night and thanked Sam for his help on the hearing as he laced up his shoes.

“No problem. It’s the least I could do.”

“And I’m sorry I spent the whole evening texting Dean,” Castiel stood up from the couch. “That was very rude of me.”

“It’s totally fine,” Sam said, as they walked to the front door. “I get it.”

Castiel was sure that he saw something in Sam’s eyes then. Something knowing. It made him think of his siblings again.

_'You guys talked to each other the entire night. Not even my stories from work could get either of you to pay attention to me or Anna.'_

“I’ll come over soon, so we can go over the questions and answers again before the hearing.”

“Yeah, yeah, definitely,” Sam said, leaning against the doorway. “I’ll order something for us.”

_'I’m surprised that you two didn’t start acting like Lady and the Tramp and start eating off each other’s plates.'_

When Castiel said his goodbyes and headed down the hallway to the parking lot, his siblings words grew louder and louder. His cell phone dinged again as he slipped into his car. When he saw that it was Dean, he turned his cell phone off. He couldn't handle this.

***

Two weeks had passed and he wanted to believe that he was completely ready for the hearing. But he wasn’t. If it wasn’t for Dean, he was sure that he’d experience a panic attack or two. Castiel tried not think of his siblings words when he was with Dean. But that was hard too. Between dealing with his anxiety and whatever he was feeling towards Dean, he had chosen to deal with his anxiety.

Castiel let out a deep breath as he looked out into the parking lot of the family court building. Although he had dressed in his best dark suit and tie, he still felt awful and hadn’t said a word during the drive over. Castiel’s mind kept racing with thoughts of the hearing, of possible ways where things could go wrong, of the possibility of Balthazar getting sole custody of Emmi.

“You’re gonna do great,” Dean said. The words broke Castiel’s continuous loop of doubt and made his ears perk up. “You and Sam have practiced question after question and the judge will keep the joint custody agreement.”

“Just trust me, we’ve got this.” Castiel looked over to Sam and took in his eyes, as thoughtful and serious as ever, but he still felt the uneasiness roll around in his stomach. He felt like he was going to be sick. “Are you ready?”

Castiel just followed Sam and Dean out of the car to the court building, reading the silver lettering as they walked up the steps. He felt a sense of dread as he did and he remembered when he thought he’d never see this place again. What a joke. The inside of the building wasn’t any better. It was stuffy and cold all at once and when they got to the doors of the courtroom, his hand traveled to the shell of his tie.

“Hey, hey, hey, no,” Dean said, stopping in front of him. Castiel let his hands fall to his sides as Dean looked him up and down. “You look great, alright? You got this. You did this once and you’ll do it again and we’ll go out to celebrate afterward. You’re gonna kick ass. Not literally because I don’t think that would go well with the judge, but I will kick Balthazar’s ass if you want me to.”

When a smile slipped on Castiel’s lips, Dean grinned. “I’ll tell you if I ever need that.”

“Alright, are we ready?” Sam said, pulling Castiel and Dean out of the conversation. He watched as their smiles slowly faded before he pushed opened the door and walked in.

It looked like every other courtroom Castiel had been in throughout his life with its white walls and wooden seating. It all looked so familiar and as his eyes scanned the room, they stopped when they landed on Balthazar. He watched as Balthazar laughed and joked with his attorney like this custody hearing was nothing as if he already knew he was going to win.

Castiel immediately tore his eyes off of him and followed Sam to their seats. He looked back at Dean in one of the public benches and took in his eyes. They were so comforting and filled him with a steadied confidence. He could do this.

“Judge Burns will now take the stand,”

Castiel turned his attention back to the front and watched as the judge walked up to his seat. He seemed a bit irritated as he glanced from Balthazar to him and Castiel absorbed that piece of information.

“We’re here today to discuss the child custody agreement between Balthazar Hyland and Castiel Novak of their daughter Emmi Coraline Novak,” Judge Burns read the order. “The last time it was discussed was on June 3rd, 2010 and both parties were granted joint custody. Jonathan Smith and his client Balthazar Hyland have requested to change the agreement, so Balthazar Hyland retains sole custody over Castiel Novak,” Judge Burns looked up from his papers to Balthazar and his lawyer. “You have the floor to state your case.”

Jonathan stood up and smiled at the judge. Castiel took in his tailored suit screamed experience, wealth, winning. “Hi, Judge Burns. My client believes that he is a better fit parent for their child because they are consistency able to take care of the child, has set up a reliable routine for the child that include healthy meals and after school activities,”

Objectively, Castiel knew that child custody hearings weren’t as interesting as criminal court cases. While he knew that this hearing wouldn’t take long since both parties had to be factual and keep personal opinions out of it, his stomach still knotted in fear as he listened to Balthazar’s lawyer. Jonathan kept restating how reliable Balthazar was while also including that his relationship with Emmi was one of trust, love, and happiness.

The judge didn’t seem fazed as he moved on to his own questions from past drug, child, and domestic abuse to job and financial stability along with the encouragement of the other parent’s involvement. Castiel watched as Jonathan glossed over the last question because, of course, Balthazar wanted Emmi to see her father. He swallowed the need to roll his eyes.

When Jonathan said his final remarks, the judge turned his attention to Sam and Castiel. His eyes were unnerving. “Sam Winchester, you have the floor,”

Castiel heard a lot about Sam’s work throughout the time they spent together hanging out. He knew that loved his work because everything time Sam talked about a case, his eyes lit up and he barely took a breath in between words. Still, watching Sam start his claim made the knot in his stomach twist even further and as he gave the judge the file of documents that held every piece of evidence that showed that he was a good father, his anxiety rose. He swallowed slowly and tried to even his breath as his heartbeat pressed against his ribcage.

“Castiel Novak has begun new medication for his condition, correct?” Judge Burns read from one of the papers. “The documents state that he began gabapentin on August 27th then switched to Lyrica on September 10th. The visitation logs that Balthazar filled out indicate that Emmi was in his care for much more longer periods during the time before starting either medication and during the start of gabapentin all the way until the switch to Lyrica,” He looked up and eyed Castiel. “Why is that?”

“Well,” Castiel straightened in his chair and felt an ache grow in his lower back. “Emmi stayed with Balthazar at first because I was going through a flare due to my chronic pain. I was prescribed gabapentin but since it caused more side effects, I had Emmi stay with Balthazar until I found another medication. I was prescribed Lyrica a month ago and it has helped with my condition and I’m fully able to take care of Emmi now.”

The judge nodded then took out two documents. “And what about the damage to Balthazar’s car? Jonathan Smith and his client have two pictures here of damage to a black 2013 Mercedes and an image of you damaging the car with what appears to be a golf club from a home security system camera.”

Castiel’s tongue folded in on itself as Sam stood up, clearing his throat. “My client has never behaved in such a manner before. All of his records are clear. It was a lapse in thought and has since paid reparations,”

“Right, but if it has recently occurred then it’s possible that it could occur again,” Judge Burns replied as he put away the documents. “This hearing is what is best for the child and I know you know this, but I want you both to know that I am not picking sides.”

Although it was always easy to say such a thing, the pleased look on Balthazar’s face sent a chill down his spine. He couldn’t even listen to Sam’s defense because Balthazar’s smugness kept digging into him, again and again and again.

Castiel watched as Balthazar whispered something into his attorney’s ear. Jonathan stood up from his seat. “If I may, my client doesn’t feel like it’s safe for his daughter to stay with his ex-husband because there’s no indication that this will be his last violent outburst, especially since it happened so recently.”

He took in Balthazar’s smug, closed-lipped smile. If it was any other situation, he’d roll his eyes but now, he could just concentrate on his quickening heartbeat. The sound droned in his ears.

“Sir, if I could say something,” Castiel was pulled out of his thoughts when he heard Dean behind him. He felt his ears burn because he knew keeping personal opinions out of child custody hearings was always for the best. Sam had told him constantly. Castiel turned around in his chair to look at Dean. He had stood up and looked the judge in the eyes. “I’m one of Castiel’s colleagues and have spent a lot of time around Castiel when he’s with Emmi and believe me, I don’t think I’ve seen someone love their kid as much as he does. He plans out their days and wants to spend as much time as possible with her before she goes back to Balthazar. I mean, even when she is with Balthazar, he talks about her constantly like she’s the greatest thing that has ever happened to him. Castiel loves her to pieces and it would hurt him to see the custody agreement changed because of one night.”

“I see,” Judge Burns pursed his lips then looked back at his documents then up again. “Is there any other pieces of information that haven't been shown before I decide on a ruling?”

Castiel felt a comforting warmth spread through him while a smile grew. Dean glanced at him as he sat down and returned the smile. _'Oh, please, little bro, the way he looks at you? How can you not see it?'_

Judge Burns question was met by silence.

“We’ll have a twenty-minute break before the ruling.”

Castiel turned around in his seat then looked over to Balthazar. It was a terrible habit and met his cold eyes for a moment before looking away. He took a deep breath and felt anxiety flood into him, replacing the warmth. Castiel tried to play back Dean’s words or at least Sam’s comforting reassurance that this hearing wasn’t that big of a deal.

The first trial lasted five months and almost made Castiel jump off the deep-end and into insanity. He hadn’t seen so many documents and heard so many testimonials from his side or Balthazar’s in his life. They had only been here for thirty minutes and he was surprised that Dean was even allowed access. While this hearing was vastly better than any trial, Castiel still had a hard time not pulling on the shell of his tie.

“Hey, Cas,” Castiel turned his attention back to Sam when he nudged him. “I think he’s going to make his decision,”

Castiel’s eyes flickered to the judge as he walked back to the stand. He put a few documents away then looked up. He cleared his throat. “Considering all of the information that has been presented, it is best if the child custody agreement remains intact with both parties having joint custody.”

Castiel felt his anxiety drain out of him and when Judge Burns dismissed the hearing and started heading out of the courtroom. He stood up and was immediately engulfed into one of Sam’s bear hugs.

“You’re incredible,” Castiel breathed out. He felt his heartbeat pumping fast against his ribcage. He was so elated because he was going to keep his rights with his daughter and even when Balthazar glared at him as he walked out of the courtroom, it didn’t make a difference. He looked back to Sam. “Thank you so much,”

“No need to thank me. It would be insane if you lost your rights and Dean kinda helped too,”

Castiel nodded as another smile slipped out while he turned to Dean. “You didn’t have to say those things,”

“Of course, I didn’t have to,” Dean shrugged. “But they’re true and couldn’t let one bad time impact something as important as this,” He walked out of the seating area to them. Dean patted Castiel on the shoulder and the touch sent electrocuted waves through him. “You deserve this, man.”

“Well, thank you,” Castiel took in Dean’s eyes. He never noticed how green they were before. “It means so much to me,”

_'Castiel, I swear, his eyes light up like… like stars in the night sky, especially when you smile. And when you laughed, he looked at you like you were the only one in the room. He likes you. Oh my God, does he like you.'_

Anna’s voice rang through his ears as Sam offered that they should celebrate and as they headed out of the courtroom, Castiel looked over to Dean. He took in his long eyelashes and his freckles that peppered his face.

“You alright?” Dean asked as he turned to look at Castiel. He must have been staring for too long, so he just shook his head and looked away. “You sure you’re fine with The Roadhouse? You’ve been really quiet.”

Castiel couldn’t explain the fluttering in his chest or the warmth that coursed through him whenever Dean looked at him now.

“Yes, it’s fine,” Castiel said. “I assume I’m just still in shock with the ruling.”

_'If you only could see, Castiel. The next time he looks at you, just look at him too. I mean, really look at him. It’s… it’s like magic.'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, friends! I hope you all enjoyed and comments are very much appreciated.


	19. Chapter 19

Although Castiel never understood the appeal of Halloween, the holiday was the only thing that took his mind off of Dean. Zachariah decorated the office every year for holidays from Independence Day to Christmas, even putting out a small menorah in the lunchroom.

Castiel thought it was ruder than not putting anything out at all for the holiday, but with everything else concerning his boss’s love of making a big deal of every holiday, he didn’t say anything.

Castiel’s eyes looked to his office door when he heard a knock. He smirked when he watched Charlie open her mouth to show plastic vampire teeth as she put her hands up. “I’ve come to suck your blood!” she walked in when Castiel rolled his eyes, taking the teeth out. “Still not a fan? Come on, it’s a fun holiday! Loosen up.”

“I don’t see what’s fun about vampires, demons, and whatever Marv keeps going on about.”

“Metatron.” Charlie said. “Apparently, it’s an archangel in Judaism,”

Castiel’s brows scrunched together. “He’s Jewish?”

“No, he’s just into religion and mythology which has some overlapping aspects surprisingly. Dorothy was…” Charlie trailed off when Castiel slowly focused on his computer monitor again. “Anyway, the bossman sent me here to encourage you to decorate your door.” she continued when Castiel opened his mouth. “While I’d typically love to spend some of the day nudging you to have some fun and decorate, I can’t because I’m so busy. So please, please, please just put up a paper pumpkin or ghost so I don’t get yelled at.”

Castiel pursed his lips in thought then smiled. “I’ll do it for you.”

“You’re the best, dude.” Charlie said. She turned to walk out of the room then stopped at the doorway. “Will I see you at the Halloween party?”

“Why do you think I’d go this year?”

Charlie shrugged. “Thought Dean would convince you.”

Feeling his cheeks burn with a blush, he bit his bottom lip to get it under control. “Maybe he will.”

“I'll see you there!”

Castiel sighed when Charlie took off down the hallway. He glanced at the time on his computer monitor and noted it had only been a couple hours that he hadn’t spent thinking of Dean.

Now, he was back in the forefront. Castiel wasn’t sure if his sibling's words messed with his head, but he had been seeing Dean differently.

He remembered the first time he noticed how radiant Dean’s eyes were. Castiel stood in one of the conference rooms one morning to set up his meeting that was happening in a half an hour when he heard a knock on the doorframe.

“Need any help, boss?”

Castiel pursed his lips to contain his smile as he turned around. “No, I’m fine. Just setting up for the meeting.”

“Right, the marketing meeting.” Dean nodded as he walked into the room. “All eyes are on us until the book comes out.”

“They are. I’m hoping your department has gotten everything prepared.”

“Of course my department is ready. We’re gonna kick it in the ass,” Dean smiled and Castiel’s heart skipped a beat when he took in Dean’s eyes. They reminded him of emeralds. His brows pinched together and he turned back to his laptop. “Do you need any help?”

“No, I’m fine,” Castiel kept his eyes on his laptop screen and listened to his heartbeat ring in his ears. He was sure that his ears were burning. “Just get the department ready.”

“You got it, boss.”

Castiel didn’t turn around until he heard Dean’s footsteps fade out of the room. He started ignoring Dean around the office as much as he could without it impacting his work after that.

Also, he made his way out of the lunchroom whenever Dean came in and tried to keep his conversations with him about work. Charlie made it nearly impossible, though, because she tried to keep them together as much as she could. Castiel wondered if Dean realized what she was doing, too.

“Hey, man,” Castiel looked away from his computer monitor and saw Dean at his doorway. Dean showed him the cartoon ghost decal in his hand. “Charlie told me that you needed something to decorate your door with.”

Castiel smirked. “Wow, spooky.”

“Yeah, very, so… Can I just put it on your door?” When Castiel nodded, Dean stripped the back of the decal off and put it on the middle of the door. He looked at it for a moment then grinned. “You’re right. It’s pretty scary.” he walked in the room then. “So, are you going to the party? Charlie said you weren’t planning on it.”

“Why do you think I’d go this year?” Castiel’s brows pinched together before a teasing smile grew on his lips. “Do you want me there?”

Castiel was sure that Dean’s eyes widened for a quick second before he shrugged. “Just thought you’d want to actually do something this year. Get out of the house.”

“That is kinda your thing,” Castiel smirked. “When is it?”

“Two days before Halloween.”

“I don’t have a costume, though,”

“Oh, well that’ll be the easy part,” Dean said, his eyes lighting up. It reminded him of Charlie and he wondered if they spent the rest of the year planning their outfits together. “I can come over this weekend to help you come up with something.”

“Yeah, sure,” Castiel said, smiling. “Saturday would work best. You better come over with your best ideas.”

“It’s like you don’t even know who I am,” Dean’s brows furrowed with a playful smirk. “I’ll text you and we’ll find a time on Saturday.”

Castiel nodded and watched Dean walk out of his office, his eyes falling to Dean’s ass. Had it always been so perky? He took his eyes off and turned his attention back to his computer monitor. Castiel realized that half the reason that he tried to limit his time around Dean was because he flirted with him. His siblings were right.

Dammit.

***

While Castiel never understood the appeal of Halloween, Emmi loved it. She loved candy, dressing up, and Castiel helped her come up with a costume every year. He had even decided to let her help decorate the outside of their home this year. The only thing that he wanted to drop all together was the pumpkin carving.

It was too difficult with his fatigue and while he suggested painting the pumpkin instead, Emmi told him that it wouldn’t be the same. This had been the first week that they had seen each other since the hearing and Castiel was going to make the best of it. Now, Castiel sat at the kitchen table with newspapers laid out under the pumpkin and a bowl for the insides while he tried to make the pumpkin at least resemble the cat Emmi wanted.

“How does that look?” Castiel took the carving knife out of the pumpkin and showed Emmi. “Any better?”

Emmi frowned at the misshapen carving that barely looked like a cat. “No, not really.”

Castiel sighed and was about to pick up the carving knife again until he heard a knock on the door.

“Thank God,” Castiel breathed out then headed to the front door. He took in Dean’s green Henley when he opened it and swallowed thickly. Of course it had to bring out his eyes and define his muscles. “I’m so glad you’re here. Tell me you’re good at pumpkin carving?”

“Yes?” Dean walked into the house. His eyes widened when he saw the hacked pumpkin for a moment until a smile replaced his shock. “Wow, this is… uh…”

“Dean!” Emmi smiled as she looked away from the pumpkin and at Dean. She sighed dramatically. “I missed you _so_ much. Can you make a cat?”

“Well, I’m not sure if we can save this one,” Dean joked, hearing Castiel’s sigh behind him. He continued when he watched Emmi frown. “But I’m sure I can try.”

This prompted another smile from Emmi and the three of them sitting at the kitchen table, Dean manning the carving station as he tried to fix what Castiel tried to do. Castiel gave up on trying to defend himself and took the bowl of pumpkin insides to the kitchen. While he separated the pumpkin guts from the seeds, he listened to Emmi’s conversation with Dean.

It had started with standard questioning from what they did while Emmi was at Balthazar’s and Dean at his own house. Dean stayed along the lines of work and watching sports, _“nothing too crazy”_ to what they were doing for Halloween. His lips turned up in a smile when he listened to Dean’s surprised reply that Emmi loved Halloween because her father didn’t seem like a fan.

“Oh, I know, but he helps me pick out my costume every year,” Emmi began. “I’m gonna be a fallen angel because last year I was an angel.”

Dean nodded, glancing over at her. “And what happened this year that made you fall?”

“Oh, um,” Emmi stuttered. She cocked her head to the side while her eyes squinted in thought. After a moment, she looked at Dean again with a serious expression. “Something with Heaven. They made me leave because we didn’t get along, so now I’m fallen angel on earth,” she smiled then. “Do you wanna see my costume?”

“I’d love to,” Dean said and when Emmi took off running into the hallway to her room, he looked to Castiel. “A fallen angel?”

“Well, she did look at a devil costume,” Castiel turned his attention from the sink to Dean. He smirked when he watched Dean’s eyes widen. “I mean, considering that she likes to watch _The Little Mermaid_ and play with her dollhouse, I was surprised too. But I guess she can’t be a princess every year.”

“Maybe Meg is rubbing off on her.” Dean smirked.

Castiel rolled his eyes as the sound of Emmi’s footsteps grew louder. She held onto her costume pack while she walked to the kitchen table. “Here it is!”

“Give it here,” Dean said. He put down the carving knife and grabbed the pack while Emmi sat next to him again. Dean’s lips pursed as he took in the costume. It was all black, from the halo and wings to the tights and skirt. “Not bad.”

“Yeah, I think it’s cool. What are you gonna be?”

“A 1940s mobster,” Dean said. Emmi’s brows immediately pinched together in confusion. “You know, fedora and suspenders. I can show you when I pick your dad up for our office party.”

Emmi turned to Castiel. “What are you gonna be?”

“I’m not sure. Dean’s supposed to help me with a costume.” Castiel said.

“He wasn’t anything last year,” Emmi informed then her eyes lit up. “He should be a pirate!”

Dean smiled at the thought. “Duly noted.”

After working on Emmi’s pumpkin for thirty minutes, it finally resembled a cat. It was pretty good, Dean thought, for someone that had to fix all of the previous mess ups. Dean didn’t mention it as Emmi ‘oohed’ and ‘ahhed’ at it. They let Emmi stay in the kitchen to admire it while they went into Castiel’s bedroom to piece together a costume.

Castiel sat on the foot of his bed as Dean opened the closet. “I don’t see how I can carve any other pumpkins after you did that. It looks absolutely incredible.”

“It’s not that great,” Dean said. He eyed the clothes then glanced at Castiel, continuing so Castiel couldn’t keep complimenting him. Castiel’s compliments always played like a broken tape in his mind. He didn’t need to deal with that today. “So, do you have any ideas?”

“I don’t dress up for Halloween,” Castiel began. His brows scrunched together when he saw Dean’s smirk. “I’ve never liked the holiday.”

Dean’s playful smirk stayed. “Why not?”

“I don’t see the point of dressing up,” Castiel shrugged, feeling a pool of embarrassment wash over him. He felt his cheeks burn. “I don’t see the appeal with horror.”

“Oh, so that’s what it is,” Dean nodded. He pursed his lips as he swallowed down his smirk. “I’ll make sure that we don’t watch _The Exorcist_ anytime soon. But I promise they’ll be nothing terrifying at Zachariah’s party. I mean, Zachariah’s costume could easily scare you by how cheesy it will probably be but that’s about it.”

Castiel rolled his eyes and shook his head. A chuckle escaped him. “I swear if you tell anyone about this…”

“Your secret is safe with me.” Dean said. He turned to the closet again as he looked through it. “So, you have no ideas at all? Maybe, wait, what the hell is this?” he pulled out a tan trench coat as his nose wrinkled in disgust. “Why do you need an overcoat?”

Castiel frowned as he stood up from the bed. He took the coat from Dean. “It’s a trench coat and I happen to like it. It kept me warm all through college from the Chicago winters.”

“Wait,” Dean said as Castiel tried to put it away. He took it from him and eyed it again. “I think I could work with this.”

This was how, twenty minutes later, Castiel walked out of his bathroom in a dark suit and a loose red tie under his trench coat. Dean grinned at the sight because, damn, he did good and Castiel looked pretty hot with wild hair.

“Constantine,” Castiel said as he stood in front of his full-length mirror. He ran a hand through his hair again. “I like it. I can’t believe I’ve never thought of this.”

Dean stood beside him, looking at him through the mirror. “Yeah, it looks pretty good. I guess you’re going to the party after all.”

Castiel sighed in defeat. “I guess.”

***

Castiel couldn’t believe that he was going to his first office party in years. In fact, he hadn’t even remembered the last one he had been to. Castiel couldn’t even count the book release parties because he had always sent Benny to do the speeches for him. But now, here he was letting Meg into his house so she could babysit Emmi while he went out with Dean.

He was surprised that he hadn’t cracked and told her yet about the things he felt for Dean. If he was being honest with himself, he hadn’t even gave himself the time to accept his feelings.

“So, are you?” Meg trailed her eyes over Castiel. “Some accountant?”

“I’m John Constantine,”

“Right,” Meg slowly nodded then made eye contact with Castiel again. “Don’t let Model Boy wait out there too long. What’s he dressed as?”

“A 1940's mobster,” Castiel said. He rolled his eyes at Meg’s smirk then glanced over to the couch at Emmi. “I’m leaving for the night. Be good, alright?”

Emmi looked over at Castiel and stood up, walking over to Castiel and wrapping his arms around him. “I will! We’re gonna make bracelets and Meg’s gonna paint my nails.”

“Well, that sounds like quite a fun night,” Castiel returned the hug and kissed the top of her head. “I’ll be back around ten. Don’t stay up to late and no junk food.”

“I know, I know,” Emmi sighed, looking up at Castiel.

Castiel smiled and said his goodbyes, adding an _‘I love you!’_ before he slipped out of the front door and headed to Dean’s Impala in the driveway. When he slid into the passenger seat and took in Dean’s costume, he was sure that his stomach did a somersault while his heart raced. Dean looked incredible.

“Hey, you like my costume? Sam said was a bit over the top,” Dean said as eyed Castiel, his lips quirking up in a smile. “Your costume looks pretty great.”

“Because you picked it out,” Castiel reasoned. Dean shrugged as he pulled out of the driveway. Castiel kept his eyes on Dean because although his friend was most likely wearing a multilayered suit under his grey overcoat, he still looked stunning. “But yes, your costume is amazing.”

“Would’a brought a cigar but I thought wasting money on one would be too much,” Dean said. He rested his right arm next to his side, letting his left do all the work. “Thought the same for cigarettes for you.”

“Yes, I don’t need those,”

Dean nodded then turned up his stereo. Bob Dylan’s voice poured through Castiel’s ears and he felt the same fluttering in his heart again. Apparently Dean had made a cassette tape of all of his favorite folk bands and when Castiel found out, he didn’t think of anything of it. Now, he wanted to keep the cassette tape for himself. It was such a nice gesture, but that was just who Dean was.

Castiel wondered if he would be able to get through the party tonight.

There were cars already parked in the driveway and on the curb when they arrived at Zachariah’s. Castiel took in the small hanging ghosts in the trees and fake tombstones in the front yard. They circled the neighborhood twice to look for a space to park and when they finally did, Castiel rubbed at his right shoulder.

“You okay?”

Castiel turned to Dean and nodded. “Just a little sore. But I’ll be fine.”

“Well, tell me when you want to leave,” Dean said. He slipped out of the car when Castiel nodded again and led the way to the backyard. A sign sat on the fence that read _‘Halloween Extravaganza! Come in if you dare!’_ and Castiel immediately regretted coming here when he heard the tacky Halloween music. “Hey, Charlie!”

“Hey, guys!” Charlie smiled as she walked up to the fence to unlock it. She let them in and closed the fence behind her, posing after she did. “Like my costume?”

When Castiel took in the black suit and boots, he smiled. It looked great in contrast to her red hair. “Best Black Widow I’ve seen.”

“Thanks! And your Constantine is pretty good too,”

“Dean thought of it,” Castiel said, glancing over at him. He watched as a faint blush crept on Dean’s cheeks and he tried to push the fluttering feeling from his chest down. “And his costume is amazing, too.”

“It is. Where did you even get that suit?” Charlie asked.

“I know a guy,” Dean said. “Did Dorothy come?”

“Oh yes, she’s over there talking to Chuck,” Charlie looked over them and waved. Castiel turned his head and noticed Chuck in a dentist costume while Dorothy dressed up as Catwoman. “Isn’t she gorgeous?”

“Power couple of the night,” Dean said.

“I’m so lucky,” Charlie looked back to Dean and Castiel, glancing between them with a smile. “Also, you need to see Zachariah’s costume. I’d think you like it, Dean.”

Dean looked around the yard and when his eyes zeroed on Zachariah, his brows furrowed. “Oh, come on.”

Castiel followed Dean’s gaze and the corners of his lips turned up when he saw Zachariah in his own version of a 1940s mobster. He leaned into Dean. “If it’s any consolation, your costume looks much more authentic.”

It was then when Zachariah met their eyes and smiled widely. He quickly ended his conversation with his wife and walked up to the three of them, pulling each of them in a hug. Castiel grimaced at how tight Zachariah hugged him and rubbed at his back when Zachariah let go.

“Wow, Dean, your costume is phenomenal!” Zachariah praised. “Guess we’re in the same mob, huh? Or maybe we’re rivals!” Castiel pursed his lips to contain his smile while he watched discomfort roll through Dean. Zachariah turned to Castiel then. “And what are you? A serial killer detective?”

“Yes,” Castiel said, trying to curb his sarcasm, while a smile slipped out. “That’s exactly what I am. You’re the only one that has guessed correctly.”

“You guys look great! If you didn’t know, there’s snacks and we’ll have a costume contest at the end. Hope you all have fun!” Zachariah said. He patted Castiel on the shoulder then made his way to another small group of people.

Castiel rubbed at his shoulder as he turned to Dean. “And this is why I don’t come to these things.”

“Yeah, but the food is _really_ good.” Charlie stressed.

“It is,” Dean nodded. “Let's go check out what they have.”

Dean led the way to the snack table and Castiel immediately took in all of the themed food and drinks from the red punch with fake eyes and teeth floating in it to the vanilla cookies that looked like witch’s fingers. Castiel grabbed a plate and loaded in with celery and bell peppers before moving on to the guacamole. He had to give props to Marcy for the presentation because it looked like the guacamole was vomited from the small pumpkin’s mouth at the start of the platter.

Castiel watched as Dean stacked chips, dips, and mummified pigs-in-a-blanket. He put a big chocolate cupcake with orange and black frosting on Dean’s plate then. “This looks really good, so you need to eat it for me.”

“I won’t have any problem with that.” Dean said. He took the cupcake, unwrapped the foil, and took a bite then moaned. “Holy shit, you were right. This is delicious.” he glanced down at Castiel’s plate full of veggie spears. “Have fun with your vegetables.”

Castiel chuckled and pushed Dean away from the snack table. “Alright, you have enough. Let’s go, let’s go.”

This was when Castiel and Dean made their way through the party, all the while Dean making fun of Castiel whenever something relatively frightening came their way: _‘Look, Cas, a plastic spider!’, ‘Don’t worry, man, the guy in the Jason mask is just Peter from the design department.’,_  and _‘If you didn’t know, this spider cobweb is fake.’_ Castiel couldn’t stop rolling his eyes while he laughed at Dean’s antics throughout the night. Although he kept explaining to him that his fears didn’t need to be poked fun at, Castiel couldn’t help but let his hand sit on Dean’s arm. He mentally took note on how firm Dean’s bicep was every time he did.

After they filled themselves up with snacks and good conversation with friends, Dean pulled Castiel onto the makeshift dance floor in the middle of the yard. While Castiel was sure that Dean only did because he was tipsy from the punch, he let him. Dean was the only person that could get him to dance at an office party.

The playlist was a mix of Halloween tunes like “Monster Mash” and “Thriller” to Top 40 hits. Castiel let Dean lead and laughed when his friend told him that he secretly loved “Shake It Off”. Surprisingly, Castiel had a lot of fun dancing like an idiot with Dean and let Charlie dance with Dean when she wanted. Donna even danced with Castiel sometimes. They stuck to 70s dance moves and yeah, Donna was definitely growing on him.

Castiel slowly stopped dancing after a while when he felt his body slow down. While his back ached, he was thankful that his fatigue gradually pooled into him rather than hitting him all at once.

“Dean,” Castiel leaned into Dean, his hands on his friend’s shoulders. “I’m going to go sit down.”

When Dean nodded, Castiel made his way to the lawn table and sat in one of the chairs. He took in the small orange pumpkin lights that hung over the pergola then eyed Dean again. He was currently dancing with Chuck and Garth and he smiled softly at the sight. As the night continued and Zachariah stayed colleagues that actually liked him, Castiel couldn’t say that he regretted coming. In fact, he was glad that he did.

“Are you doing alright?” Donna asked as she walked up to him.

Castiel glanced at her shiny, fake sheriff badge on her costume as she sat down. “I’m fine. Just resting.”

Donna nodded. She looked out into the crowd then to Castiel. “So, you and Dean? Are you two…?”

“What?” Castiel’s brows came together while he felt his heart quicken. “There’s nothing between Dean and I.”

“Oh, well, how you and Dean have been hanging off each other all night,” Donna shrugged. “And after seeing everyone in my high school back in Hibbing get together one by one, I think I know what something like that looks like,” she shook her head then smiled at Castiel. “But you’re right. I’m sorry. I’m gonna go get a soda. Do you want anything?”

Donna stood up and headed to the coolers when Castiel shook his head. His heart was still racing as he watched Donna leave the table and he felt his stomach sink when he looked to the crowd, meeting his eyes with Dean. Castiel was sure that he didn’t look well when Dean stopped dancing and made his way to the table.

“Hey, you okay?” Dean asked. His eyes were searching while his voice was slightly sloppy from the drinks. “Do you wanna leave?”

“No,” Castiel said. He’d have to drive them back to his house or Dean’s if Meg felt comfortable to babysit Emmi for the night. Castiel would figure it out when they left. “You wanted to stay for the contest, remember?”

“Oh, right,”

Dean sat in the chair next to him, taking Donna’s seat, and Castiel wondered if she was going to come back. When he saw Donna talking with Charlie and Dorothy, periodically glancing back at them, he knew something was up. Castiel couldn’t let them know about whatever he felt for Dean. It was messy and he was still figuring it out. Castiel looked over at Dean and he usually loved the fact that they could just sit in comfortable silence together, but now, he felt restless.

“Do you want to leave?” Castiel asked. He watched as Dean turned to him, confused. Castiel began again when Dean opened his mouth. “I know the contest is soon, but I don’t feel well.”

“Yeah,” Dean said after a moment. “we can leave.”

Castiel smiled softly then slowly stood up. He let Dean say goodbye to their friends and tried not to think too much of Charlie’s knowing wink when they finally made their way out of the backyard. After a few moments of nagging because he wasn’t going to let Dean drive them or himself anywhere tonight, Dean gave in and took his keys out of his suit pants pocket to give to Castiel.

“You know,” Dean began after they slipped into the car. “you are one of the only people I trust with Baby. I mean, except Sam and maybe Bobby. Have I told you about Bobby? He’s in Sioux Falls.”

Castiel put the keys into the ignition and carefully got back onto the neighborhood road. “I don’t think you have.”

That was how Castiel spent the whole car ride to his house. He listened to Dean talk about his pseudo-uncle Bobby who lived in Sioux Falls with his wife Karen. Apparently, he just _had_ to meet them. Karen baked the _best_ apple pie around and Bobby was the _kindest_ guys he’d ever known despite having a perpetual stick up his ass. Castiel tried to tune out the resounding beat of his heart or his sibling's words in his ears.

Castiel couldn’t even hear Joni Mitchell’s voice through it all.

Dean took off his overcoat when they arrived at Castiel’s. He hung it up on the coat rack and made his way into the living room while Castiel walked into the hallway. Castiel rubbed at his lower back as he walked into this bedroom, feeling his medications wear off. Although he desperately wanted to take a shower to wash away whatever he was feeling, he was too tired. It was ten-thirty and they had work tomorrow. Castiel never understood why Zachariah thought it was a good idea to throw a party in the middle of the week.

He thought about Dean when he got ready for bed, while he changed out of this costume and into sweatpants and a grey t-shirt to taking his medication and brushing his teeth. Castiel had a lot of thoughts about Dean, but never knew what to do about them.

Castiel grabbed a pair of sweatpants and t-shirt for Dean and when he walked back into the living room, Dean looked at him then licked his lips.

He tried to ignore the quick movement. “Here’s some clothes. I thought you wouldn’t want to sleep in your suit.”

“Yeah, that would suck,” Dean said, taking them. “Thanks, Cas.”

“It’s nothing. I’m just going to head to bed now because I just took my medication and…”

Dean nodded. Sometimes things could be so awkward between them. Castiel returned the nod and headed back into his room. He wanted to sleep for a thousand years.

Castiel woke up the next morning to his cell phone buzzing. He slowly opened his eyes as his hand grazed his nightstand, trying to find it. Castiel squinted when he picked it up and looked at the screen. It was a mass email from Zachariah, explaining that everyone had the day off to recuperate from last night’s party.

Again, Castiel wondered why Zachariah thought that a midweek party would be a good idea. He sat his cell phone down and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. The thought of dealing with Dean while preparing Emmi for school instantly burned in his mind which made a groan escape his lips.

Castiel slowly got out of bed and went into the bathroom to take his medication. While he wished that he could just ignore Dean and carry on with his day, he couldn’t. The immediate patter of footsteps outside his door echoed this thought while he opened the ‘AM Thursday’ slot on his pill organizer. After Castiel took his medication, he made his way out of his room and down the hallway. He walked into the living room to see Dean and Emmi by the sofa.

“Sleep well?”

Dean turned from Emmi and looked at Castiel, soft smile on his lips. “Yeah, Cas. Thanks for letting me stay over. Did you read the email?”

“Yes,” Castiel said, then ran a hand through his hair. “You can stay here for breakfast, but I need to get Emmi ready for school.” he looked at Emmi. “Eggs or cereal?”

Castiel didn’t really want to spend the morning with Dean, but he didn’t give any hint that he didn’t want him around. Because he actually wanted Dean around and he almost hated himself for it.

***

The problem with Castiel’s feelings towards Dean was that they weren’t only physical. If they were, he could just masturbate and be done with it. But Dean wasn’t just attractive, he was so nice. Dean was completely fine with dealing with his mood swings, bad pain days, and everything with Emmi and Balthazar.

Dean was completely fine with hanging out at Castiel’s house watching movies and eating popcorn while they joked around. Dean was completely fine with staying friends while apparently, to his siblings, still wanting to be more.

Castiel wondered what he did to deserve such a person in his life.

Despite all of this, Castiel still hung out with Dean the day after the party and up until Halloween. He even let himself start eating lunch with him, Charlie, and Garth again. When Halloween rolled around, Castiel invited Dean to go trick-or-treating with him and Emmi. Of course, Dean agreed.

Castiel dressed in his Constantine costume again after he helped with Emmi put her own on. He took a few pictures of her in costume, glad that Meg painted her nails glittery red, and stopped when he got a text message from her. Emmi went to grab her candy bag while Castiel looked at it.

 _6:45 PM, October 31_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Meg Masters_  
_\--Happy Halloween, Clarence. Don’t forget to keep some candy for me._

Castiel eyes widened when a picture of her in a short, red devil costume popped up after the text message. She looked good and because of that, he knew he’d have a slew of text messages the next day about the party she was going to and whoever she would inevitably hook up with.

 _6:47 PM, October 31_  
_To: Meg Masters_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--Don’t forget to call an Uber if you get too drunk._

Another text message from Meg popped up when he heard a knock on the front door.

 _6:48 PM, October 31_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Meg Masters_  
_\--Obviously. This isn’t my first time around._

Castiel smirked at the text message before he slipped his cell phone back into his pants pocket. He opened the door and when he took in Dean’s fitted suit that he wore, he wanted to slam the door in his friend’s face and groan. Of course, Dean had to pick another costume that still made him look good.

“FBI Special Agent Kline,” Dean began, taking out a hokey FBI badge from his suit jacket. Castiel chuckled as Dean kept at it. “If I could have a word with you about the disturbances reported in the neighborhood.”

Castiel pursed his lips as he tried to contain his smile. He nodded and opened the door wider. “Right, right. Come in, agent.” he watched Dean walk in, pretending to inspect the house, as he put his badge back into his suit jacket. “So, did you not like your other costume?”

“After seeing Zachariah in it, I needed something else. Besides, changing my costume in such short notice keeps the creative juices flowing.” Dean said and his eyes lit up when Emmi walked down the hallway. “Wow, Emmi, you look great. Are you excited to trick-or-treat?”

“Yeah!” Emmi said. She walked up to Dean and showed him her nails. “Do you like them?”

“Very pretty,” Dean smiled. “Do you think you’re going to doing more tricking or treating tonight?”

Emmi’s brows came together in confusion. “Daddy wouldn’t like that. I’m excited to get candy, though.”

Dean nodded then looked at Castiel and back to Emmi. “You’re probably right. Are you ready to go?”

Castiel kept the front porch light on as he sat a bowl of candy on the front door before they started down the sidewalk of the neighborhood. They walked passed kids and parents in silly costumes and teenagers that wore creepy masks to scare young kids. Castiel maneuvered Emmi out of view as they passed a couple of masked teenagers, keeping a steady hand on Emmi’s shoulder.

The night passed smoothly as they went door-to-door to collect candy from Nerds to Kit Kats, but Castiel’s stomach flipped when they stood in front of one woman’s front door. She wore a hippie costume and had to be in her early sixties.

“I love your costume, sweetie,” She said as she put a handful of miniature candy in her bag. “And your dads costumes are great, too.”

While Castiel felt his cheeks redden at her words, he didn’t correct her and Dean didn’t either.

“He’s not my dad,” Emmi said, looking at Dean then back to Dean. “He’s just Dean. My Daddy’s friend.”

The woman nodded then looked at Castiel with a smirk. Castiel put a hand on Emmi’s shoulder and smiled at the woman. “Thank you for the candy.”

“Thank you!” Emmi repeated before they turned to head back to the sidewalk.

Castiel didn’t say anything about the woman’s words through the rest of their time trick-or-treating and Dean carried along conversation with Emmi like it never happened. But, of course, Castiel stayed in the small world of his mind.

He was drained when they finally made it back to the house. The candy bowl was empty and Dean picked it up off the ground while Castiel unlocked the front door. When Castiel opened it, Emmi ran into the living room and dumped all of the candy out of her bag.

Castiel took off his trench coat as he and Dean followed Emmi into the living room to sit on the sofa. “You can have five pieces of candy tonight before bed, alright?”

Emmi stayed up for another hour and when she cleaned up her candy then went to bed, Dean suggested a movie. Castiel agreed. He could easily relax on the sofa for the rest of the night. Dean chose _Star Trek Into Darkness_ when Castiel came back from changing into more comfortable clothing and taking his medication.

Castiel wasn’t sure what it was but when he turned off the lamp by the television while the movie began and sat back down on the sofa, he felt comfortable around Dean again. He let himself fall into the sofa and spread out as they watched the movie. It felt like Castiel was transported back a month ago when his feelings towards Dean were simple.

He liked that. Although Castiel couldn’t ignore the fluttering in his chest when his hand accidentally touched Dean’s a third into the movie. It was innocent, really, he was just making himself comfortable. It wasn’t his fault that Dean’s hand happened to be there and it wasn’t his fault when Dean didn’t pull away.

Castiel couldn’t fault himself or Dean when his eyes began feeling heavier halfway into the movie. It was getting late and his medication easily lulled him to sleep every night, so when his head fell onto Dean’s shoulder after a while, it was an accident. When Dean wrapped his arm around Castiel after another few minutes, it had to be because it was the most comfortable position.

It was all friendly or an accident. Nothing more or less. Castiel’s eyes drifted to a close as Kirk and Spock decided on a course of action and only opened when Dean’s voice pulled out of his light sleep.

“Hey Cas,” Dean began, his voice was soft. “Do you want me go so you can go to bed?”

Castiel rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and looked up at Dean, taking in his warm eyes. He shook his head and straightened up, feeling Dean pull back his arm. “No, the movie isn’t over.”

“Are you sure?”

Castiel nodded and ran his hand through his hair. When his hand landed on the sofa again, it touched Dean’s. Neither of them moved again. Maybe it was the medication or the tiredness, but none of this made sense to Castiel. He knew that he felt something towards Dean and he knew, maybe, that Dean felt something as well.

Gabriel’s words began in a loop in his mind then: _‘It’s been five years, bro, get yourself out there again. Stop overanalyzing everything and take a chance.’_

“Dean,” Castiel began, turning towards Dean.

“Yeah?”

Castiel took in his green eyes and freckles across his cheeks then. He was so attractive that it was unfair. Castiel bit his bottom lip with hesitation and before he could wonder what Dean’s lips tasted like, he leaned in and kissed him. The first thing he found out that they were so soft and sweet. Castiel’s heart filled with joy as Dean deepened it.

They were here and it was now and Castiel felt _happy_.

But when Dean’s hands traveled down his back, his soreness grew and a spark of doubt began in his mind again. What if this was too fast? What if this wasn’t what he wanted? What if this wasn’t what Dean wanted? What if he was just doing this because he was tired? What if he was kissing Dean because he, somehow, still missed Balthazar?

Castiel quickly realized that this was an accident that needed to end.

He pulled away from Dean as his eyes widened in anxiety. When Dean opened his eyes, Castiel watched as his friend’s brows knitted together.

“Cas?”

“I’m so sorry,” Castiel rushed. “This was an accident. You were right. I should go to bed. I’m sorry.”

Dean’s brows stayed together in confusion as he bit his bottom lip, studying Castiel’s expression and after a moment, he sighed. “Um, okay. I… um…” he stood up and grabbed his suit jacket. “Have a nice night, Cas.”

Before Castiel could say anything else, Dean walked out the front door. He felt absolutely sick to his stomach when he heard it quietly close. Castiel wasn’t sure if he made the right decision, but he wasn’t sure of anything concerning Dean anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if you hate me after this chapter, but I would still love comments!


	20. Chapter 20

Castiel ignored Dean.

He stopped visiting his friend’s office, stopped saying ‘hello’ when he saw him in the hallway and stopped eating lunch with him. Castiel began ignoring Charlie when she kept bringing up Dean in their conversations. He started ignoring Donna soon after, then Chuck and Garth and Hannah. Castiel ignored everyone.

When he began having strange dreams about Dean at night, he started closing his office door again. Every dream started in the same giant room. There was always a talking frog in a purple velvet suit stationed at an oak desk with a black 1940s typewriter in the far right side of the room.

The paintings of animals, queens, and landscapes that hung on the walls moved as the dream progressed. Dean was constantly angry with him in these dreams, too. Castiel never fought back and listened as Dean yelled at him about his indecisiveness. Dean didn’t need to be tugged around by Castiel and he deserved better.

He let Dean go on about how if he wasn’t there, Castiel would have nothing. Dean was the one that chose to spend five years of his life delivering files and keeping Castiel in the loop at work. He was the one that finally got him to see his doctor again and spoke up about Emmi to the judge. The color of the walls always started changing rapidly at that moment from yellow, purple, blue, red, and finally black. It always ended in black.

Castiel woke up from the same dream that night. He gasped awake, his eyes wide with fear, while he felt his shirt cling to his back with sweat. Castiel glanced around the room and tried to even his breath as he realized that he was in his bed alone.

The fear drained out of him and left a hollow pit at the bottom of his stomach. Castiel gripped his sheets tighter and pulled them closer. His eyes flickered to the digital clock on his nightstand. 3:03AM. Castiel had trouble falling back to sleep for the rest of the night.

He got himself out of bed at seven when he heard Emmi’s footsteps outside his door. Castiel ran a tired hand over his face then through his hair as he walked down the hallway. He had to drop Emmi off at Balthazar’s before he met Meg for their annual brunch. His stomach twisted at the thought of seeing Balthazar again.

Emmi took Castiel’s mind off of Balthazar the whole morning. She talked about school, her friends, and how she couldn’t wait until _The Good Dinosaur_ came out. After she ate her breakfast, Castiel went back into his bedroom to take his medication and change clothes. He briefly wondered if Balthazar would comment on his selection of dark jeans with a white button down.

The drive to Balthazar’s was unnerving. While he had interacted with Balthazar in short bursts since the hearing and fight because of Emmi, it was still overwhelming. His knees grew weak a few moments after he was in the same space at Balthazar. It was a terrible feeling so when they arrived at his house, Castiel thought about letting Emmi go up to the front door herself.

If Balthazar needed to tell him something, then he could just email him. But Castiel wasn’t petty, so he followed Emmi to the front door.

Emmi rang the doorbell as Castiel held her duffel bag and he was sure that he was going to be sick when Andrew opened the door in tight shorts and an even tighter shirt.

“Hey Emmi,” Andrew greeted, looking down at Emmi with a big smile. “I’m so glad to see you again! Your dad is just upstairs. I’m sure that he’d love to see you!” Emmi smiled softly in return before he hugged Castiel and kissed him on the cheek then headed inside. Castiel’s eyes met Andrew’s once Emmi was inside the house. “Long time no see, huh?”

Castiel felt like he was in a twisted alternate universe or some low budget 90s movie where things like this would happen. But he was here stuck in the same shitty reality that gave him fibromyalgia, an awful ex-husband, and now this.

“Yes, I suppose,” Castiel said. “Does Balthazar have anything new to pass on?”

“Oh no, he doesn’t,” Andrew said, leaning against the doorway. Castiel wondered why the younger man thought clothes as tight as those were acceptable. “I see you’ve packed on a few. I guess those yoga classes aren’t helping?”

Oh right, this shitty reality also gave him weight gain.

“Yes, well, medication can do that to a person. What’s your excuse?” Castiel asked, tilting his head to the side as his brows furrowed. When Andrew’s mouth gaped, Castiel smiled. “Well, I assume that Balthazar has nothing new to say, so have a great day, Andrew, and I hope you enjoy being Balthazar’s sloppy seconds or thirds or whatever number he’s on now.”

With that, Castiel headed back to his car and to the restaurant he was meeting Meg at. He still felt terrible, but at least he told Andrew off. At least his shitty reality gave him the fleeting confidence to do that.

***

Although brunch with Meg had become a monthly tradition, the restaurant they ate at frequently changed. They decided to meet at Breakfast Republic today. When Meg texted him that she had already arrived and was at a table, he informed the hostess when he got there and let her lead him to Meg’s table.

After Castiel thanked her and sat down, Meg began the conversation about her new boyfriend, Lucas. She met him at the Halloween party she went to and from everything she said about him, they seemed perfect for each other. While Castiel tried to listen to her as she gushed about Lucas, he couldn’t stop thinking about Andrew and Balthazar.

“You’re quiet,” Meg began. She handed their waiter her menu after they ordered then eyed him. “Why?”

Castiel pursed his lips and watched their waiter leave then looked at Meg. “I saw Andrew at Balthazar’s when I dropped off Emmi this morning.”

Meg’s eyebrows raised. “Holy shit.”

“I felt sick the whole time. Balthazar didn’t mention that she had met him,” Castiel said as his face scrunched up in disgust. His expression softened and he sighed before he continued. “But you know what also sucks? Part of me wanted to see Balthazar. I don’t know why because I hate him, but what if I still have feelings for him?”

“Cas-”

“I kissed Dean a couple weeks ago, too. I immediately broke it off and apologized then he left,” Castiel frowned, feeling his heart sink. He put his face in his hands when Meg smirked. “Why am I like this?”

“Cas, look at me,” Meg said, smiling when Castiel’s eyes met hers. “You like him, don’t you?”

“Maybe? I don’t know. He’s nice, funny, and so smart, but what if I don’t? What if I’m just lonely?”

“I may not necessarily like Dean but he’s a good person and the way you guys interact, it's painfully obvious you do,” Meg began, her smile falling. “At the same time, you need to focus on yourself before getting into a new relationship.”

Castiel’s brows furrowed. “I’ve been single for five years.”

“And you’ve been in love with Balthazar the whole time. You went back to him the moment he showed interest. I worry about you and what he did to you and that’s why I want you to focus on yourself,” Meg said as her eyes hardened. “Remember when you told me that you changed so much for him? Well, now is your chance to break out of that mold and become whatever the fuck you want. What’s the first thing you want to change?”

Castiel thought for a moment. “I want a new car.”

“Well, that’s the first thing we’ll do,” Meg said then continued when Castiel’s brows furrowed. “I know my way around cars. Do you honestly think my parents were going to send me out into the world without any knowledge so I could be fucked over by sexist car salesmen and mechanics? I’ll get whatever you want and get you a great deal.”

Castiel smiled, not knowing how he winded up with someone like Meg for a best friend. “Thank you.”

Meg forced Castiel to choose where to go after brunch. While she didn’t tell him, it was part of her plan to get him to take control of his own life for once. They ended up at Verbatim Bookstore and Meg rolled her eyes when Castiel immediately picked up _Utterly Adorable Cats_ at one of the first tables in the front.

Castiel skimmed it, a smile forming on his lips, then put it down to follow Meg. They made their way farther into the quirky bookstore and slowly parted ways to look on their own. Castiel loved this bookstore. Tall bookcases lined the store, there was always local art hanging on the walls while quiet music played, and they even had a kid’s corner.

Although he usually stayed near the sci-fi or classics, Castiel found himself drift into the self-help section. His eyes trailed from titles like _Think and Grow Rich_ , _He’s Just Not That Into You_ , and _The Last Lecture_ until it stopped at _When Things Fall Apart_. Castiel bit his bottom lip, briefly looked around, then grabbed it off the shelf and read the back.

_‘The beautiful practicality of her teaching has made Pema Chödrön one of the most beloved of contemporary American spiritual authors among Buddhists and non-Buddhists alike. A collection of talks she gave between 1987 and 1994, the book is a treasury of wisdom for going on living when we are overcome by pain and difficulties.’_

Castiel was about to put the book down because he didn’t want to read about a woman that let Buddhism flood her with so much love that she started chanting Tibetan music. No, thank you.

“That book is so good,” Castiel looked up and took in the younger woman next to him. She had a five month old strapped to her chest and had to be in her early thirties. “Sorry for interrupting but that book changed my life for the better when I was going through a really low time in my life. I definitely recommend it.”

“Thank you for your input,” Castiel said. He returned her smile and opened the book when she left.

Castiel bought it when he got to the third page.

***

The opening story was the only reason why Castiel bought the book. It began with the author’s ex-husband driving up to their house to explain that he had been cheating on her with someone else and that their marriage was over. She continued by saying that she was still for a moment, not knowing if it had been a second or an hour, then threw a rock at him. The story reminded him of himself.

Castiel spent the rest of the day reading it and couldn’t have been more wrong when he thought it was going to be a fast read. He spent every day mulling over each lesson and after three days of reading decided to take the book with him to work.

He usually only read it during his lunch break while he ate his salad at his desk. Sometimes, though, he found himself taking it out of his black shoulder bag to read between documents and files. Castiel couldn’t put it down.

At first, he was thrown off by the author’s encouragement to embrace the bad in life, abandon hope, and revel in groundlessness. Castiel cringed at the bad in life. But as he kept reading, he learned that the response to bad events was more important than the events themselves. It was intense and liberating all at once.

Castiel let out a breath that he didn’t even know he was holding in when he finished the book as he sat at his office desk. He slipped the book back into his bag and headed back into his work. Castiel barely even noticed when Dean walked passed his office.

***

After reading _When Things Fall Apart_ , Castiel headed to the public library with Emmi to find more books. He ended up with a tote full of self-help books from self-esteem to emotional abuse and kids books for Emmi. Castiel and Emmi picked one book a week to read from her stack while he read his books whenever he had the time.

He read when he cooked dinner, he read after dinner, he read before bed, and he still kept books in his bag that he took to work. It was still a shock of how eerily similar his relationship with Balthazar fit with so many of the stories of others. It also shocked him how his feelings of anxiety and internalized criticism and his own perceptions were highlighted in so many of the books.

Another thing he learned was how to move on from a sticky, unhealthy relationship. Castiel decided after the fourth book he read he was going to focus on his friendships and himself. The epiphany led him to start a note on his phone of all of the things that he wanted to do. He only started with three things on his list, but as he kept reading, the list became longer. Castiel was ecstatic to tell Meg all of this when he drove to her apartment that Saturday.

Castiel parked in between a motorcycle and a beat up 2004 Camaro. Meg lived in a rough neighborhood and although Castiel told her that she could easily afford a place in a better part of town, Meg _liked_ it here. He never understood how she could enjoy an overtly shitty landlord, thin walls, and the occasional bug-infestation. After three years of nagging, Castiel learned his lesson and stopped.

He walked up the flight of stairs to apartment 204 and knocked on the red front door. The paint on the door and numbers was peeling. But it was always peeling.

“Morning, Clarence,” Meg smiled when she opened the door. Castiel watched as she took her leather jacket from the coat rack then walked out the door. After she locked it, she looked at Castiel. “You excited to finally get your car?”

“Yes, it’s one of the many things I have on the list of things I want to do.”

Meg’s brows furrowed in confusion. “What list?”

“I’ve been reading self-help books about self-esteem, toxic relationships, and emotional abuse and it has really opened my eyes,” Castiel began as they walked down the hall to the parking lot. “I’m currently reading _The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem_. Anyway, one of the pillars is asserting who you are so honoring what you think, feel, believe, and want is key. Because of that, I made a note on my phone listing everything I want. I need to make the other lists, too.”

“Oh,” Meg nodded. She took Castiel’s car keys when they got to his car. “While I drive to the dealership, read them to me.”

Castiel practically lit up at the request. He pulled up the list from his notes on his cell phone when they both slipped into the car. Castiel read them one-by-one, explaining them whenever Meg asked. He wanted a new car, to go to the beach more often, to spend more time with Emmi, to starting going to yoga at the studio again, to meet other people with fibromyalgia, to adopt a cat. Meg stopped him there.

“I thought you didn’t want a pet?”

“Yes, well, cats are easy to take care of,” Castiel began. “Half of the reason I didn’t want to adopt one because it reminded me of Callie. You know, the cat I adopted with Balthazar but I can’t let him ruin cats for me. Besides, Emmi has been begging for a pet for a while.”

“She’ll be thrilled,” Meg mused as she turned right. “Or pissed that it took this long for you to come to your senses.”

“I’m hoping thrilled. I think I’m going to take her to the shelter next weekend.”

“I’m sure she will be,” Meg said. “Just don’t name it something stupid like Fluffy or Princess.”

Castiel rolled his eyes with a smile. “Duly noted.”

He read the rest of his list on the way to the dealership and when they arrived, he let Meg lead. Castiel watched her deal with their car salesman with ease and her natural authoritative and intense demeanor let them focus more on getting a car than any cheesy gimmick. Meg was better at dealing with their car salesman than Dean. Of course he didn’t tell Meg that. He hadn’t talked about Dean since their brunch a few weeks ago. The thought of him made him frown.

“You okay?”

Castiel looked over at Meg. The three of them sat at a table filing the paperwork to finalize the purchase of a 2014 Toyota Prius while he also traded in his Lincoln. He should be happy, but he could only think about Dean.

“Yes, I’m fine,” Castiel said. He looked back at the paperwork then. “Where were we?”

They left the dealership an hour later after the paperwork was finalized and Castiel was relieved. He had finally gotten the car that he truly wanted and as he sat in the driver’s seat, running his hands over the steering wheel, he looked at Meg with a smile.

“Thank you for helping me today,” Castiel said. “I’m sure I would have paid much more if I handled this alone.”

“No problem. Besides the best is about to come,” Meg replied as an amused smile grew on her lips. “We need to stop at the DMV.”

“Right,” Castiel sighed. “Hell on Earth.”

***

For some reason, Castiel thought his recurring nightmare about Dean would stop after he started reading his self-help books and making lists to take control of his own life again. He couldn’t have been more wrong. Castiel supposed that he should have known this because he still worked with the guy and saw him on a regular basis, but it still irritated him. While wanted to forget about the kiss and that whole night in general, he didn’t want to forget about Dean.

He was sure that the universe was out to get him, though, when he drove into the office’s parking lot that Monday morning and saw Dean getting out of his Impala. Castiel’s stomach flipped as he pulled into his parking space and juggled around the idea of staying in his Prius until Dean left. He was spotted by Dean instead.

Castiel’s eyes widened when Dean made eye contact and he grabbed his shoulder bag then slipped out of his car.

“Nice car,” Dean said. “Blue?”

It was the first thing that either of them had said to each other in almost a month.

Castiel looked back at his car then shook his head. “It’s sea glass pearl.”

“Oh,”

Castiel nodded. After a moment of silence, he made his way into the building. Of course Dean followed him and of course, the knot in his stomach didn’t let up as they walked almost side-by-side. Castiel hadn’t felt so awkward in years.

He also should have known that it would be the same day that he talked to Charlie for the first time in a month. It was during his lunch break and he was pulled away from his book, he was still reading _The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem_ when he heard a knock on his door.

“Come in,” Castiel called. While it was only Charlie, he was sure that the knot formed again in his stomach. He swallowed and closed his book as she stood in the doorway. “Hello,”

“Long time no talk, huh?”

Castiel could sense that she was trying to make this less awkward than it already was. Although he just wanted her to leave, he sat his book down on his desk and threw her a bone. “You can come in if you like.”

“So, how are you?” Charlie asked as she walked in, closing the door behind her. She walked up to his desk and took in the book then looked at him again. “It’s been a while.”

“It has,” Castiel said. When an awkward silence grew between them, he cleared his throat. “Is there any reason why you wanted to see me?”

“Yeah, yeah. Um, Benny can’t make the publishing party because he has the flu. So… Zachariah wanted me to tell you. I’m guessing he didn’t trust that you would read an email about it if he sent you one?”

“That’s in a week, right? Next Saturday night?” Castiel asked as his brows knitted together. He frowned when Charlie nodded. “I’m busy.”

“With what?”

Castiel colored at the question. “Emmi and I are going to the shelter to adopt a cat.”

“Right,” Charlie said. While she pursed her lips to hide her smile, it didn’t work. “Well, it starts at seven and you have to be there. I’m positive that you can adopt a cat and still make it in time.”

Castiel rolled his eyes. “Fine. I’ll be there.”

“Great,” Charlie said, her smile staying. “It’s black tie, but I assume you know that. I’ll see you there!”

“I’ll see you there,” Castiel said. When she walked to the door, he called. “Don’t forget to shut the door!”

“Got it, Captain!”

Castiel returned to his book and salad when Charlie left.

***

Castiel opened the door for Emmi and let her walk in first when they arrived at San Diego Humane Society and SPCA on Saturday morning. The entrance was big with an open layout and Castiel followed Emmi down the hall to the cat room. When Emmi opened the door, the smell of lemon, not cats or litter, hit him in the face as Castiel followed her and took in all of the cages with cats. He walked behind her as she spotted a few cages with kittens.

“I told you we’re not getting a kitten,” Castiel began as he followed her.

He eyed the four kittens and watched as Emmi played with a calico, tugging on the rope with a small bell.

Emmi sighed. “I know, but they’re _really_ cute. I wish we could take them all. April has four cats and two dogs at her house and-”

“Can I help you?”

Castiel turned his attention away from the kittens and saw an employee in a blue polo with ‘San Diego Humane Society and SPCA’ embroidered above the pocket. He glanced down at his white name tag. James.

“We’re looking into adopting a cat,” Castiel said, putting a hand on Emmi’s shoulder. “Preferably an adult.”

“Right, well, you’ve come to the right place,” James smiled. “All of the cages have the cat’s information on it with their age, medical history, temperament, and why they’re here. If you need any assistance, I’ll just be walking around.”

“Thank you,” Castiel said.

He let Emmi stay with the kittens and walked over to the older cats. Castiel’s heart melted when he walked up to an orange tabby with green eyes. He put his hand out and smiled softly, hoping the cat would take the bait. It did.

Castiel pet the cat as much as he could through the cage then read information sheet. She was four years old, up-to-date on all of her shots and was terrible with young children. Castiel retracted his hand as he frowned. That wouldn’t work.

He found Emmi with another gray tabby then and looked at the information sheet. He had too many medical complications and he wondered how much the cat’s medications would be on top of his. No, thank you.

“Let’s look at some more,” Castiel said. “I’m sure there’s one for us.”

They split up after some time and Castiel was about to lose hope while he checked the time on his cell phone. 3:49PM. Maybe they could try another day.

“Daddy, come look at this one!” Emmi called. Castiel looked up from his cell phone and saw Emmi in front of a cage. He slipped his cell phone into his pocket, passed a few people, and walked up to Emmi to take in the black cat. She kept her hand near the cage, the cat butting its head up close so she could pet him. “He’s super friendly.”

Castiel hummed and looked at the information sheet first. He wasn’t about to fall in love with a cat just to let down again. The cat was five years old, up-to-date on all its shots, neutered, healthy, and good with kids. Okay, maybe this would work. Castiel’s eyes traveled down to the short description.

_‘This cutie will be at the door to greet you when you come home, sleep with you at night, come when called (or when the treat bag is rustled), and he’s always in a good mood. He prefers to be the king of his castle and would do best as an only cat. He doesn’t seem overly bothered by dogs passing by. He is amazing with kids of all ages, including toddlers still finding their coordination. He was only given to us because his owner’s fiancé happened to be allergic. He is a fabulous kitty who is looking for an equally fabulous home. Will you be the one to take him home and be charmed for life?’_

“Let’s find one of the employees to get us a room,” Castiel said, his eyes lifting from the sheet back to the cat, taking in its bright green eyes.

The visiting room James set them up in was large and comfortable. Its walls were painted a warm yellow while a brown couch, a cat tree and a coffee table with treats and toys furnished it.

“He’s very cute,” Castiel said as he sat on the couch while Emmi stayed on the floor with the cat. He didn’t want to risk hurting his back before the party tonight. The cat mewed and rubbed at Castiel’s legs. “And sweet.”

“Yeah, he is,” Emmi said. She grabbed a wand toy with a feather and bell at the tip from the bowl of wands then began playing with the cat. “We should get him.”

“How about we spend some time with him then see if we want him?”

“That sounds like a better plan,” Emmi said, waving the wand.

Castiel had his car filled with cat supplies, toys, a new cat, and an ecstatic Emmi one hour later. He deleted ‘adopt a cat’ off his list from his cell phone before they headed home.

“While I’m out tonight, you and Meg have to come up with a name,” Castiel said, glancing into the rearview mirror then back on the road. “Meg also said that it can’t be Princess or Fluffy.”

Emmi scoffed. “As if I’d wanna name him that anyway.”

Castiel smirked. Maybe Meg was rubbing off on Emmi.

***

November had been good to Castiel. He spent it bettering himself and his life with Emmi, so, of course, he had to end it with spending a night with a handful of people that he had been actively avoiding for most of it.

He was tired as he sat in his car in the parking lot of the restaurant. The whole place was booked because of this party and Castiel was tired. He didn’t want to socialize with his colleagues or the other guests on the party sheet that Zachariah sent him in an email two weeks ago but didn’t feel the need to read. Now, Benny was sick and Castiel had to be here.

He groaned softly, fixed his tie in the rearview mirror, then got out of his car to walk into the restaurant. A hostess greeted him at the door and led him outside to where the party was being held. Castiel took in the twinkling lights and view of the ocean. He had to give props to whoever decided to have the event at the restaurant with an ocean view because it looked absolutely incredible.

“Castiel, it’s so good to see you!” Zachariah said, walking up to Castiel with a glass of champagne in his hand. “I’m glad you could make it.”

“Well Benny was sick, so,”

Zachariah’s brows furrowed in confusion. “Benny’s not sick. He’s right over there with Dean.”

Castiel looked over Zachariah’s shoulder and quickly noticed Dean and Benny conversing with champagne glasses in their hands. His brows pinched together and looked back at Zachariah when Dean’s eyes met his own. Charlie had set him up.

“Right, I must have been confused with someone else. In that case, I think I’ll be going home now,”

Zachariah put a hand on Castiel’s arm. “No, stay. I can’t even remember the last time you were at one of these and now you can say some remarks before Benny’s speech.”

Castiel mulled it over and sighed. “Fine,”

“Great,” Zachariah smiled. If he was sure that he still wasn’t on Zachariah’s shit list after almost being fired, Castiel would have left. “Ruby and her husband are here. You haven’t met him, have you? He’s hilarious!”

Castiel followed Zachariah into the party to meet Ruby’s husband. This was how his night began. After meeting Ruby’s husband, Adam, and being pleasantly surprised that the man wasn’t as awful as Ruby, he made his way around the party to meet with other guests. While he talked to one writer half an hour later, he felt his fatigue hit him full force.

“Creating abstract and fresh characters seem to be so difficult for so many-”

“I’m sorry,” Castiel cut off the woman. “But I need to sit down. I’d love to continue this conversation at a table.”

The woman fixed her big, round glasses then shook her head. “No need. I need to use the restroom anyway.”

Castiel watched the woman leave and head to the restroom. He took a sip of his own water and walked to the nearest empty table, sighing when he sat down. Castiel should have left. He didn’t have anything to say about _Olive & Wine_ or to anyone at the party. Castiel took another drink of his water and when he sat it back down, he noticed Donna walking over to him.

“Hiya, kiddo,” Donna said. She looked absolutely stunning with her hair down and in her maroon sundress. “Can I sit?”

“Of course,”

“I’m surprised to see you here,” Donna began. “I didn’t think Charlie’s plan would work.”

Castiel’s brows furrowed. “You knew too?”

“You betcha,” Donna smiled and it faded after a moment. “I don’t know what happened between you and Dean. He or Charlie won’t tell me but it doesn’t matter. You need to talk to him. It’s been messing the whole office up. It’s worse than when my Uncle Harold and his wife divorced back in ‘97.”

“Right,” Castiel nodded. “Well, I haven’t had a meaningful conversation with him in a month so I doubt he’d want to talk to me regardless.”

“I don't think I've ever heard something more false. He’s been talking about you to Charlie this whole time. Sadly, I’m just the one that overhears their conversations in the lunchroom.” Donna said. Her eyes trailed up and down Castiel. “Do you need me to get him over here?”

“No, I'm fine. I'll talk to him when I'm ready.”

“Fine, do whatever you want to do,” Donna sighed. “Mind if I stay here?”

“Of course not, why would you think I wouldn't want you to sit with me?”

Donna shrugged. “I've been told I can be a bit much for some people.”

Castiel frowned and the harsh words he told Dean about Donna came into his mind. “Well, you're not too much for me. I could use the company.”

Donna smiled softly and after a few moments of silence, she started the conversation again. Although Castiel was tired and sore, at least the medication was working. He remembered when he used to hurt so much that he couldn’t even pay attention or think. Now, Castiel could at least carry on the conversation with Donna.

“Before the speeches begin Castiel Novak, the editor-in-chief, will say a few words,”

Castiel was pulled out of his conversation with Donna then flashed his eyes to Zachariah standing in the front of the lawn and facing all of the white-clothed tables. He eyed Donna, giving her a silent apology, then walked over to Zachariah. He took the extra champagne glass from Zachariah then cleared his throat.

“Good evening,” Castiel began, letting his eyes scan the lawn to take in everyone. He stopped when he landed on Dean, looking into his green eyes, then quickly moved on. “While there were plenty of bumps in the road, _Olive & Wine_ is an incredible book and I’m sure it’ll get on the New York Times Bestseller list like all her others. And thank you, Ruby, for choosing Goldenwoods to publish it. It was an honor to work with you.”

Castiel raised his champagne glass and watched as everyone clapped. He gave Zachariah the glass back and as he turned to go back to his table with Donna, he made eye contact with Dean again. While was sure that his throat closed up when Dean gave him a small wave, he walked over to him as Benny walked away to give his own speech.

“Nice speech,” Dean began. “You’ve always been good at coming up with something on the spot.”

Castiel cringed. “Was it that obvious?”

“‘It was an honor to work with you’? How did you pull that lie out of your ass?” Dean teased. Castiel rolled his eyes with a smirk. “But really, it was a good speech.” It was quiet for a moment and Dean took a sip of his champagne before continuing. “So, why did you finally come to one of these things?”

“Charlie told me that Benny was sick and I had to fill in for him.”

“That sounds like something she would do,” Dean said. “And it’s shame, I don’t think any of the horderves are gluten-free. If only you could try the crab puffs. I’ve had like twenty.”

“Yeah, well, I’m glad I came,” Castiel replied. He felt the knot in his stomach pushed on his organs as he looked into Dean’s eyes. They were open and warm, like always, but he still felt like he was going to throw up. “I want to apologize for what happened last month-”

“Cas, really, it’s fine. That’s in the past.”

“No, it’s not fine,” Castiel said, his brows furrowing. He sighed and tried again. “It was a terrible thing to do. To kiss you on the spot then tell you to leave. You didn’t even want to kiss me. I’m sorry. It was immature.”

Dean pursed his lips and his eyes stayed on Benny for a moment before turning to Castiel again. “I wanted to kiss you, too.”

“What?”

“I wanted,” Dean began. He was cut off by another round of applause for Benny and tried again as it tapered off. “I’ve wanted to kiss you for a while, Cas.”

Castiel’s eyes widened and a soft nervous laugh escaped him. “What?”

They decided to continue the talk after the party in Castiel’s car. Castiel wanted to discuss whatever was between them in private so no one could budge into their conversation, but the precaution was mainly for Charlie. He also needed to sit. It was awkward at first, Dean commenting on the interior of Castiel’s Prius, before Castiel cleared his throat.

“So…” Castiel began, watching Dean inspect the passenger seat glove compartment. “How long have you wanted to kiss me?”

Dean took a second to respond. He closed the glove compartment and looked at Castiel. “For a few months now. Since July? Maybe sooner? It all kind of blends together.”

“Oh,”

“Look, I’m not great with talking about emotions and all of that and it was probably because you still have feelings for Balthazar or something, so we can just-”

“Dean, stop,” Castiel interrupted. He took a breath and swallowed. One of the pillars in his books quickly came to mind. _‘The practice of self-assertiveness. Honor your wants, needs, and values and seek appropriate forms of expression in our reality. Confront, rather than evade, the challenges in life.’_ He could do this. “I didn’t kiss you because I still have feelings for Balthazar. I’ve had feelings for you for a while now but never acted on them because I was too afraid, but Gabriel has told me countless times to stop overanalyzing, so I just did it. But I still apologize because I was at a very low period and I should have conveyed my thoughts on the matter in a better way.”

“Right,” Dean nodded. “So… why have you been ignoring me this whole time?”

“I didn’t know how to tell you this for a while,” Castiel said. “It was very confusing for me, so I decided to focus on myself,” he left out Meg because Dean didn’t care for her that much and he was sure that Dean would think Meg was sabotaging them. “I’ve been reading a lot of books on self-image and toxic relationships and it’s been helping me figure out what I want for myself and what I want in a relationship.” he continued hastily when Dean’s eyes widened. “Of course, we don’t have to do… that. We could just forget that all of this happened and remain friends or not remain friends. I mean, whatever…”

Dean pursed his lips. He nodded. “You’re right, Cas. I definitely don’t want to be friends with you or let alone try and date,” Dean let his teasing smile grow on his lips. “I mean, god, a relationship with you? You have all the same tastes in shows, books, and movies. You love burgers and love my impressions and my food,” he scoffed. “And you had the decency to explain why you blew me off for a month? And it was because you were focusing on your own well-being? That’s just… that’s just terrible, man.”

Castiel smiled. “Are you done?”

“I’ll probably add some things later,”

“So…” Castiel began. “Do you want to stay friends or…”

“I want to stay friends,” Dean said then continued when Castiel’s face fell, putting a hand on his friend’s shoulders. “But I’d also like to take you on a date. If that’s okay with you, bro.”

Castiel rolled his eyes with a smile. “You’re an ass.”

“But you _like_ me.”

When Dean came close to Castiel’s face, Castiel held up a finger. “But if we’re doing this, we’re taking things slow.”

“How slow?”

“Glacial,” Castiel said and he let his guard down when Dean nodded. “That’s all I want.”

“That’s fine by me. I just miss hanging out at your place watching _The X-Files_ and this time we can make out. When we get there, of course.”

“Right, well, bring Claritin when you come because I adopted a cat. Emmi and Meg are at home figuring out a name.”

Dean sighed. “And I’ll bring some cat treats too.”

“A man after my own heart,” Castiel teased, putting a hand on his chest.

Dean shook his head. “You’re the ass.”

Castiel laughed. “But you _like_ me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going on a mini vacation this weekend so I'm thrilled that I got this up before I left! I hope you all liked it and your comments are always, always, always appreciated :-)


	21. Chapter 21

Dating someone with chronic illness had many firsts. Although Castiel knew that dating someone regardless of if chronic illness was involved had a lot of firsts, adding it on top of a new relationship could be tricky. He experienced all of them with Balthazar from the doctor appointments to bad flare ups and he gotten used to how he was treated, but now, he was with Dean.

Of course, Dean had seen him during a flare up, at a doctor’s appointment, and with his heating pads but that was when they were friends. Now, they were trying out something more and Castiel could have told himself that it was just the same as when they were friends but it wasn’t. If he thought about it too much, he found himself wondering if he jumped the gun too quickly.

When the cycle of doubt continued in his mind he’d read another chapter in the book he was currently reading, this time it was _The Gifts of Imperfection_ , and remember that he already agreed to a date. It was their first date. Castiel tried not to overthink it and focus on how his body was feeling leading up to the day.

Dean would pick him up any minute now and he felt fine.

Castiel sighed and looked at himself in his full-length mirror in his bedroom then glanced down when he felt a warm weight push against his legs. He smiled at Spoons and bent down to pet the cat. He hadn’t come up with the name, Meg and Emmi did, and he was sure that Meg nudged Emmi to agree to it. When he came home and learned about the name, he smiled so widely that his cheeks hurt.

“So, you know, you can never run out of spoons,” Meg informed when she left for the night. They stood in the entryway and Meg smiled as she tightened her hold on her purse. “You can never have too many, right?”

Castiel smirked. “Of course. I could use all the help I can get.”

Meg chuckled. “I’ll see you soon, Clarence.”

Dean asked him out on a date three days later. November had been good to him and he hoped that it would continue into December. Now, though, he was only concerned with finding a lint roller. Since he was sure that Dean was taking him out somewhere, he didn’t want cat fur on his clothes. He wanted to look presentable for Dean and not cause a sneezing fit, especially not on the first date.

He found one in the cabinets above the toilet and removed all the fur he could until he decided that he was finally presentable. Castiel almost ran a hand through his hair again until he heard a knock on the door.

His nerves sprung up without warning and a heavy feeling grew in his chest. Castiel breathed in and headed out of his bedroom to the front door, trying not to step on Spoons on the way.

“Hey,” Castiel breathed out when he opened the door and his eyes trailed over Dean for a moment, taking him in. He looked so nice in his green plaid shirt and butterflies flew around in his stomach. “Are you ready?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Dean said then held up a bag of cat treats from his back. “Thought I could give you these before we go?”

Castiel’s could feel the flush immediately warm his cheeks. “Thank you so much. I’m sure Spoons will love them.”

Dean’s brows furrowed. “Spoons?”

“Meg and Emmi thought of it.” Castiel began. “Meg thought I couldn’t have enough spoons available.”

Dean nodded once then gave the bag to Castiel. “Cute.”

Castiel nodded. He left the door for a quick second to put the bag in the kitchen and grabbed his keys before heading to the door again, walking out. “Ready?”

“Of course.”

Castiel couldn’t ignore the nerves in his stomach and he took another deep breath when they walked to the Impala. While he tried not to let it show, uneasiness settled into the interior when they both slipped into the car. It was quiet for a moment and Castiel almost reached for the worn shoebox full of cassettes in the back seat when Dean cleared his throat.

“Are you sure you’re okay, man?” Dean looked at Castiel, his hand leaving the keys in the ignition. “We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”

“What? No, no, I want to,” Castiel rushed, eyes widening. “I’m sorry. I’m just nervous. I haven’t been on a date with another person, who wasn’t Balthazar, since…” he stopped and thought for a moment. “Ever? I’m sorry I’m acting-”

“My last relationship ended three years ago, so I get it,” Dean said, a smile spreading onto his lips. “And I promise, we’re not going to some five-star restaurant with a bouquet of roses waiting for you at the table. I thought we could go to The Roadhouse? It’s not that romantic, I admit, but-”

“That sounds great.” Castiel smiled and the heaviness in his chest lifted slightly. “That sounds really great actually.”

“Good,” Dean said. He cranked the ignition and smiled when the Impala came to life. “Like you said, we’re taking this slow.”

Castiel nodded and knew then that maybe he hadn’t jumped the gun too quickly after all.

The Roadhouse was packed when they pulled into the parking lot. Castiel wasn’t very surprised, considering how much Dean talked the place up during the ride, but he was surprised when Dean managed to maneuver the Impala into a parking space between two trucks in the back.

“How did you even get into this space?” Castiel asked as he checked to see if he had enough room to get out of the car.

“I’ve had years to perfect this,” Dean said. He cut off the ignition and turned to Castiel. “I had to. I couldn’t let Baby get scratched.”

Castiel quirked up an eyebrow as he grinned. “Baby?”

“What, you’ve never named any of your cars?”

“I haven’t.”

Dean sighed. “Shame. We can figure out a name while we eat.”

Castiel chuckled then followed Dean out of the car into the restaurant. He didn’t even flinch when he felt Dean’s hand on his shoulder as they passed a few smokers at the entrance. The sound of Def Leppard filled Castiel’s ears when Dean held open the door and he walked in. He tried not think too much about Dean letting his hand fall to his side as they found a table.

While they walked through the restaurant in search of a table, Castiel’s eyes trailed on the customers as he realized it wasn’t the same place as it was during the day. Most of them were covered in tattoos, leather, or both and he quickly looked away when his eyes made eye contact with a particularly large, tattooed man.

“Hey,” Dean tapped on Castiel’s shoulder and nodded at an empty table ahead. “Here’s one.”

Castiel made a beeline to the table and sat down, watching Dean sit adjacent to him, then took in the restaurant. People littered almost every inch from the tables, bar, pool table, and at the jukebox. “It’s so busy.”

Dean glanced around and took in everyone then looked back at Castiel. “Yeah, this place is usually pretty busy on the weekends. But the service is still always quick.”

Castiel nodded and a young blonde caught his attention from the corner of his eye. His eyes flashed to her and he took in her low waisted jeans and black tank top as she walked up to their table, menus in hand with a smile on her lips.

“Hi, I’m Jo,” she handed both of them menus and Castiel’s brows furrowed in confusion at Dean’s annoyed look. The woman seemed perfectly fine. “I’ll be your waitress tonight. Can I start you guys off with something to drink?”

“Jo, what the hell?” Dean huffed. “Can’t we get a little privacy?”

The woman, Jo, seemed baffled. “What? I’m just doing my job!”

“Joanna Beth! I told you to leave the boys alone!” Castiel’s attention was pulled away by a sound of a familiar voice. He looked over at the bar to see Ellen giving a man a pint of beer. “Come back here!”

Jo turned to Ellen then groaned before she looked at Castiel with a shiny smile. “It was a nice to meet you and you are way out of Dean’s league.”

“Well, um,” Castiel fumbled. Jo winked at him then playfully pushed Dean before she walked away. He looked at Dean in confusion. “I’m assuming you’re close to them?”

Dean sighed. “Yeah, I used to come here a lot more when I first moved to the city. The place reminded me of home, I guess, you know, back in Kansas. But yeah, me, Jo, Ellen, and most of the other guys that work here are pretty close.”

“I didn’t know you were from Kansas.”

“Lawrence, specifically. Thirty minutes away from Topeka and Kansas City,” Dean said. “Where are you from?”

“Pontiac, Illinois,” Castiel continued when Dean’s brows furrowed. “It’s very small town about an hour out from Bloomington, so, nothing special.”

“I don’t know, man. It has to be a little special if you’re from there,” Dean smiled, his eyes crinkling for a moment before he chuckled and shook his head. “Sorry, that was so stupid.”

“No, it wasn’t,” Cas said and when Dean met his eyes, he smiled. “It was nice.”

It was the start of a long discussion about both of their childhoods. While Castiel wasn’t sure how personal he should go considering it was their first date, the apprehension left when Dean told him how he never wanted to go back to Lawrence. Dean didn’t elaborate other than the fact that none of his family was there anymore since his parents were both dead. He only had Sam left.

Castiel just gave his condolences and Dean shrugged it off because it was several years ago.

Although his childhood didn’t seem as heartbreaking as two dead parents and a neglectful father, Castiel still summarized most of it from the Catholic schooling to the his disaster of a going away party before he took a train to University of Chicago.

“Wow,” Dean said, picking up another fry. “no wonder you only keep in touch with Anna and Gabriel.”

Castiel colored then took a sip of his water. “Yes, well, they don’t miss me and I don’t miss them, so.”

“Bobby used to tell us that family don’t end in blood. Besides, San Diego’s way better,” Dean grabbed his beer and held it up. “Cheers to us for getting out of our shitty childhood towns.”

Castiel smiled softly and held up his water. “Cheers to us.”

The rest of the dinner went back and forth from talking about funny childhood stories to silly ‘would you rather’ questions and conversations that stemmed from both. They playfully argued about whether pie or cake was better for a good five minutes and couldn’t agree. Dean, of course, insisted that pie was better in all facets. Castiel just shook his head. He had never had a good-tasting gluten-free pie and he had Paula’s Bakery on his side.

Dean just promised to bake him the best gluten-free pie that he had ever tasted and Castiel agreed to hold him to his word.

While they slowly finished their meals, Castiel sipped his water as he listened to Dean and his brows scrunched together when Dean’s eyes widened. “What is it?”

Castiel hadn’t even registered the song change, every classic rock song sounded similar to him until Dean turned to the jukebox. Jo stood next to it with a smug grin while the melody of “Can’t Fight This Feeling” filtered the restaurant.

“Jo,” Dean said, turning back to Castiel. “She’s fucking with us.”

“Oh,” Castiel took another sip to collect his thoughts while he listened to the beginning of the song. “Well, let’s just enjoy it. The song’s nice and you’re not finished with your fries.”

Dean pursed his lips, considering the words, then stuffed a couple of fries into his mouth. “I can do that.”

When their conversation slowly faded as they finished their meals without a another antic from Jo, Dean took his wallet out and handed their waitress his debit card with the check before Castiel had the chance.

Dean thanked the waitress before she left then looked at Castiel. “Would you want to play pool?”

“I’ve actually never played before.” Castiel admitted.

Dean’s brows shot up and it was how they ended up at the pool table on the other side of the restaurant. Maybe it was a cheesy date move or maybe Dean was actually trying to teach him how to play, but warmth washed over him when Dean stood behind him. Dean’s right hand wrapped around his as they held onto the pool stick.

“Alright, you okay?” Dean asked when they lowered to the pool table. Castiel nodded. “Okay, good. Now, you just have to hit the white ball.”

“That’s it?” Castiel quirked up an eyebrow. He was sure that there was more to the game, but he followed Dean’s instructions when the other nodded. He took a deep breath and hit the white ball, watching as the colorful balls scattered. When a few fell into a couple of the holes, he looked at Dean. “Was that good?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Dean said as he straightened. “That was good.”

Castiel sighed. “I’m sorry, I just… I have no idea what I’m doing.”

“Well, we have all night to learn then we can play against each other,” Dean said then smirked when Castiel rubbed at his back. “And I can kick your ass.”

Castiel’s brows furrowed for a quick moment, sizing up Dean’s teasing tone, then smiled. “Yeah, really? Is that a threat?”

“No, not at all,” Dean shook his head and his smile stayed. “It’s a promise.”

“Considering I’m learning from the best, I wouldn’t promise such a thing,” Castiel said. “Just you wait, Winchester. I’ll be the one to kick your ass.”

“Bring it, Novak,” Dean said and they stood there for a few moments, looking at each other with teasing smiles, until he cleared his throat. “Anyway, let’s practice some more.”

Their stay lasted two more hours to practice pool and talk. Although they playfully bantered and let their hands trail over each other’s arms and backs, they never kissed. Castiel was sure that was normal considering he and Balthazar kissed in the middle of their first date, so he went with it.

It was nice and they finally left when Castiel admitted that he was tired. The drive was filled with discussion of pool and another round of ‘would you rather’ questions while Led Zeppelin played in the background. Castiel felt the similar warmth from before pour into his stomach when he made Dean laugh with a joke and he took that moment to take him in.

His eyes were crinkled as he laughed, his head back for a few seconds, and the sound of his voice was so warm and free. Castiel had seen Dean laugh on multiple occasions, mostly when they watched a particularly funny movie on Netflix or at one of Charlie’s jokes, and he decided that he loved seeing Dean laugh. It was one of his favorite things about him.

“Do you want to come in?” Castiel asked when Dean parked on the driveway. It was only nine-twenty. “We could watch a movie.”

Dean took a moment to respond. “I’d love to but…”

“Is it because of Spoons?”

“I didn’t bring any Claritin.”

Castiel frowned. “Well, okay. Maybe next time?”

“Yeah, Cas, of course.” Dean smiled. “Next week sometime?”

“I’d like that.” Castiel agreed and the sound of his heartbeat rose in his ears while he took in Dean’s smooth lips. He still remembered how nice they felt from last month and his stomach flipped as he continued. “I had a nice time tonight.”

“Me too, Cas.”

This was it. Castiel looked in Dean’s eyes and they were warm and open, as always, and he wanted to. He wanted to feel his lips again and this time without hesitation or doubt. He couldn’t. “I’ll see you soon.”

When Castiel made his way back into the house he was greeted with the sound of Spoons bell from his collar and a meow. He took a deep breath as he thought about the night he had with Dean. It was everything. He needed to call Meg.

Castiel got ready for bed and spread out on his bed when he was finished. He grabbed his cell phone from the nightstand and scrolled to Meg’s contact and chose it, letting it ring in his ear as he waited. His eyes perked up when he heard the click from the other end.

_“So, how was it? Was it everything you ever wanted?”_

“Meg,” Castiel began as his mind raced. “It was… it was perfect.”

While he summarized the date to Meg, he pictured her rolling her eyes a handful of times. She always called him a romantic and his excitement dimmed when she explained that while she was happy for him, he needed to not let it go to his head.

“We’re taking things slow,” Castiel defended, irritation growing in his chest. “We didn’t even kiss.”

 _“Don’t get testy. I’m looking out for you. So…”_ Castiel stayed silent as he looked at the ceiling, the fan going round and round slowly. _“When are you going to see him again?”_

Castiel bit his bottom lip then sighed. “If we’re not considering work, we just said soon because like I said, we’re taking things slow.”

Meg gave a noncommittal hum. _“Good. I’m happy for you.”_

The call ended half an hour later when the medication hit. He yawned and ran a hand down his face then pulled the covers closer. Castiel kept replaying the date in his mind until he fell asleep.

***

Lunch was weird. Castiel wondered if he should go back to sitting with his friends and when he walked into the lunchroom and saw Donna in his usual spot, his brows furrowed.

“Hey, Cas,” Dean greeted while Castiel walked to the refrigerator. “Your day going well?”

“It’s been fine,” Castiel said, taking in Dean’s shit-eating grin and he wanted to roll his eyes. “And how’s yours?”

“Just peachy,” Dean watched as Castiel took out a tupperware container out of the refrigerator. “Come sit with us.”

While it was tight because the small table wasn’t made for five people, they made it work and Charlie carried on along the conversation about her current game of Dungeons & Dragons. She invited them all to come and her spirit kept steady when they all declined in various ways. Castiel thought it was strange when Charlie kept stealing glances at his direction but answered when she asked about the upcoming books nonetheless.

“Zachariah and I have spent most of the day lining up the next works,” Castiel began and let his fork sit in his bowl. “We’re working with four titles this time since they’re from lesser known authors. I think it’ll be fun. One is a comic book.”

Charlie’s eyes widened and the announcement got her off his back. Castiel idly listened to her excitement and Garth’s questions as he finished his salad. He threw a few glances at Dean and wondered if he told Charlie about their date. He just seemed content with his sandwich and the conversation.

Castiel waited until everyone finished their lunch and headed out of the room. He stayed in the back and as Dean threw his paper bag away, he cleared his throat.

“Did you tell Charlie about our date?”

Dean’s brows pinched together for a quick second while they walked out of the room. “Yeah, is that a problem?”

“No, not particularly, but,” Castiel was cut off by the sound of Zachariah down the hall. He needed to get back to work and they still had things to straighten out. Castiel glanced at the older man then back to Dean. “I’ll talk to you later.”

“Right,” Dean nodded and he smiled playfully. “Duty calls.”

Castiel’s stomach felt all gooey as he took in Dean’s smile and he pursed his lips to keep his own in check. He watched as Dean walked down the hall and let his eyes trail down to his ass.

“Come on, Castiel. This won’t settle itself!”

Zachariah’s voice could be so grating, Castiel thought as he kept his eyes on Dean. He sighed to himself then turned and headed back into Zachariah’s office for the rest of the day.

***

Their second date was after Thanksgiving. Castiel and Emmi went up to Los Angeles while Dean spent the holiday with Sam and Jess. Apparently Bobby and Karen also came down and Dean texted him that he wanted them to meet but they had just missed each other once Castiel and Emmi drove back to San Diego.

They spent their date at the beach. Castiel wanted to go down to feel the sand and water again. Apparently Dean rarely went which was appalling to him.

“How do you never go the beach?” Castiel asked. They sat by the shoreline on a big beach towel as the sun began to set. They had already been here for hours, collecting seashells and walking down the beach. Castiel laid down and dug his feet in the sand to feel the grains between his toes. “It’s one of my favorite things about the city.”

“I’m not much of a swimmer.” Dean shrugged. Castiel watched as Dean turned his attention to the water and he could tell that he looked uncomfortable by something. Dean’s eyes flickered back to Castiel and he smiled softly. “You look great right now.”

Castiel’s cheeks flushed as he placed his left hand above his brows to block out the sun. “Really?”

“Yeah, the way the sun is setting,” Dean said. “You look amazing, Cas.”

Castiel felt his cheeks pinch when he smiled and he grabbed Dean’s wrist to pull him closer. “Come here.”

He couldn’t stop smiling as Dean leaned into him and he knew that this might have not been the most romantic time or as slow as he or Meg thought it should be, but Castiel wanted this. He wanted Dean and when their lips touched, his heart swelled.

Dean’s lips were still soft and this time around, they tasted like strawberries. Castiel didn’t have much time to mull over whether Dean used flavored chapstick because he completely lost it when Dean ran a hand through his hair. His cheeks almost hurt from smiling when Dean pulled away.

“This wasn’t an accident, right?”

Castiel shook his head. “No, not at all. It was completely on purpose.”

“Good,” Dean smiled. “I’m glad because I kind of want to do it again.”

“Me too.” Castiel nodded and pulled Dean closer again.

***

Castiel loved dating Dean. He knew he should have been more hesitant and aloof, considering it was what all of the books he read and Meg told him, but that wasn’t who he was. But he was trying. Kind of. He hadn’t texted Dean at all during the day and spent it giving Emmi all of his attention so he decided that was a win.

She hadn’t asked about Dean much anymore since Castiel told her that he hadn’t visited the house because he was busy with work, not because he didn’t want to be around their cat, and she seemed relatively satisfied. Apparently, Dean was still a better bracelet maker than him.

Now, after a day full of dress up, grilled cheese and berries, and a movie, Castiel was getting ready for his date. Meg was babysitting Emmi for the night and she stayed in the bathroom with him as he recounted a funny inside joke between him and Dean.

“It’s just so funny,” Castiel chuckled. “And we send each other good morning texts. We went to the beach two times this week, too, which is incredible by Dean’s standards. He’s so sweet in an understated way. He’s taking me to a drive-in tonight.”

Meg quirked her eyebrow as she pulled herself up onto the sink’s counter. “A drive-in?”

“Yes, and we’re going to watch _Star Wars: The Force Awakens_ under the stars.” Castiel said and he turned away from the mirror then. “He makes me really happy, Meg, and I know you don’t like him but-”

“I like him, Clarence,” Meg interrupted and continued when Castiel’s lip quirked in amusement. “Have you met any other people with fibromyalgia yet? Remember that group you told me about?”

Castiel paused. “I’ve been busy.”

Meg smirked and followed Castiel into his bedroom. She watched as he slipped on a pair of shoes in his closet and crossed her arms when he walked out. His brows furrowed. “What?”

“It’s on your list.”

Castiel rolled his eyes. “Along with multiple other things.”

“What was the last thing you accomplished on it?”

“I don’t remember,” Castiel said and his eyes narrowed when Meg stayed still. “I’ve been busy with work and with Emmi but I’ll get to it. I don’t need to explain myself to you.” neither of them commented on the rising tension and Castiel only moved when he heard a knock on the door. “It must be Dean.”

***

Although Castiel had never been to drive-in, he was sure that it would look like this if he had to picture one. Tall trees were the backdrop of the large white screen and the parking lot was already filled with cars. Dean paid for their tickets then picked a spot near the back as the sun set.

They rolled down the windows and the sound of families and the occasional bird filled the car. It was so peaceful and the new _Star Wars_ was absolutely incredible. He almost forgot that Dean was next to him until the weight of his arm wrapped around him. Castiel settled into Dean and kept his eyes on the screen.

“So,” Dean whispered next to Castiel’s ear. The warmth of his voice sent a shiver down Castiel’s spine. “Is it me or are Poe and Finn more than just friends?”

“No, no,” Castiel shook his head. “They’re definitely more than friends.”

Dean paused. “Awesome.”

Castiel was positive that the end credits weren’t long enough as they made out during them. He had never made out in a car before because Balthazar said that it was uncouth. It was probably the only uncouth thing that Balthazar didn’t do. It started innocently enough as a kiss and Castiel was sure that his willingness had to do with the fact that he desperately wanted to taste Dean’s lips again.

Dean pulled away when he noticed Castiel’s brows furrowed. “You okay?”

“Of course,” Castiel nodded. “It’s just… I’ve been wondering if you use chapstick because your lips taste like strawberries.”

“Burt’s Bees. But don’t tell Sam because I won’t hear the end of it,” Dean smiled when Castiel chuckled. “Is it alright?”

Castiel nodded then pulled him closer again. “I love it.”

They made out until the credits ended and Castiel didn’t want to think about how they were acting like school boys because their clothes stayed on and Dean kept his hands above the waist. It was nice, though. They discussed the movie with excited enthusiasm as they drove down the road to Castiel’s until Dean pulled onto a vacant patch of field a third of a mile away from the drive-in.

“What are we doing?” Castiel looked out the window into the darkness then turned to Dean. “You’re not going to kill me, right?”

“I’m saving that for the next date,” Dean said with mock seriousness and paused when Castiel chuckled. “When was the last time you saw the stars in San Diego?”

“I don’t even know. I didn’t even know that was possible.”

They leaned against the Impala as they looked up at the night sky and Castiel hadn’t seen this many stars since his childhood in Pontiac. He told Dean a couple stories about how he, Gabriel and Anna would sit on the roof at night to look at them when they were kids. They’d sit and Anna would count the stars while Gabriel joked about pushing him off the roof or just sit as he ate a bag of sour gummy worms.

Castiel listened as Dean told him how he and Sam used to take long drives as teenagers to an empty field to stargaze and drink beer. It wasn’t much, Dean told him, but it was nice to spend time together before college. When Castiel said it sounded nice, Dean just smiled softly then pointed out the Big Dipper.

Castiel pointed out the Little Dipper next and after a while of pointing out different constellations, they stood together in silence as they took in the stars. Dean wrapped his arm around Castiel again and Castiel realized that he could get used to this.

***

“All you have to do is come in with suggestions and feedback as Castiel and I work to make your book the best it can be before it’s published,” Zachariah said. Castiel sat in Zachariah’s office again as they discussed the logistics with their next client, a romance author, and he couldn’t get Dean out of his mind. “Do you have anything else to add, Castiel?”

“Hm?” Castiel turned his attention to Zachariah then to their new client, taking in his big glasses and red suit. ‘We just want your experience to be the best it can be. If you need anything, our doors are always open.”

The guy huffed out a smile and Castiel couldn’t remember his name for the life of him. “I’m so grateful to get this opportunity…”

Castiel’s mind trailed off as he began thinking about Dean again. It had become a terrible habit as of late and since they rarely crossed paths during work, text messages from Dean flurried his cell phone instead. He snapped back into reality when he felt the vibrations against his leg in his pocket and heard Zachariah’s apologizes at his side.

“I’m so sorry,” Castiel muttered, pulling out his cell phone out of his pocket and silencing it. His eyes skimmed the text message. Dean wanted to meet in his office for lunch. Flushing, Castiel put his cell phone away when he heard Zachariah clearing his throat next to him. He looked up, glancing between the two. “I apologize. Where were we?”

The small incident was barely in Castiel’s thoughts when he made his way to Dean’s office during their lunch break. Their decision to start having lunch at each other’s offices began when Castiel texted Dean and declared that he was too busy to have lunch with him and everyone else because he was buried knee-deep in deadlines and paperwork.

Dean showed up at Castiel’s office ten minutes later with his lunch and sat down, saying that if he wasn’t coming to lunch then he’d come to him. The day started their little tradition and although they only ate at one of their offices a couple times a week, Castiel couldn’t deny that he preferred eating with Dean alone.

“I hope I’m not interrupting anything?” Castiel asked as he slowly opened Dean’s office door as he knocked.

Warmth pooled into him as he took in Dean’s office. It was much neater than his own and when he asked Dean how he kept it so tidy, he went on a long spiel about organization. Castiel finally got him to shut up when he kissed him.

“No, come in,” Dean said as he looked away from his monitor, a lazy smile forming on his lips while his eyes followed Castiel as he walked in. “How’s your day been?”

“Relatively-” Castiel began until he was cut off by a ding from his cell phone. He frowned when he grabbed it and saw a short email from Zachariah: _‘Come to my office after lunch! We need to chat!’_ He sighed, slipped it back into his pocket then sat down. “Zachariah and I met one of the new authors we’re going to work with. It’s a werewolf romance novel,” he smiled when Dean’s brows furrowed in confusion. “The author seems nice enough, though, and what I’ve read of the book, it seems alright but while we were in the middle of talking, my phone went off because you texted me.”

“Shit, did Zachariah say anything?”

“No,” Castiel said as he scooted closer to the desk and put his tupperware on it. “He apologized to the author and gave me a look.”

“Well, good, it could have been worse,” Dean said then continued as he smiled. “Do you want to hear a joke Charlie told me earlier?”

“I’d love to,” Castiel said as he opened his tupperware.

Castiel would be lying if he hadn’t thought about the possibility of making out with Dean in either of the closets in their offices and while it was a silly fantasy, he liked it. He liked having an almost hidden office romance flurried with soft glances and text messages throughout the day.

Of course, it hadn’t been that hidden considering that Marv had rolled his eyes at the two countless times. When Castiel led a meeting with all the department heads and praised Dean’s idea to change something in the marketing department, Marv rolled his eyes and said that he only liked it because they were boyfriends. Dean’s eyes widened while Castiel’s hardened. He cocked his head and replied with:

_“Well, maybe if you ever come up with a good idea rather than just sitting and complaining, then you’ll get praised some day, too. I give credit when credit is due.”_

Marv silenced and Castiel thought it was the last of it until Marv went to his office and greeted with a passive aggressive comment. He asked if Dean was around and if so, he’d leave, because he knew that they liked their privacy. Castiel rolled his eyes and Marv’s comments hadn’t died down.

The man was insufferable to say the least.

Regardless of the flurries of text messages and irritating comments from Marv, Castiel wouldn’t indulge in his silly fantasies. He hadn’t even told Dean about them and he didn’t need the other to tease him if he did, so he enjoyed the calm and almost predictability of their work relationship.

When Dean walked Castiel out at the end of their lunch break, he pulled him into a kiss before he turned the doorknob. It was simple and sweet at first and Castiel was about to pull away when Dean deepened it. The action sent a spark of want through his nerves but a chuckle came out instead.

“Dean, stop, stop,” Castiel chuckled, the words coming out half-heartedly. He kissed him further before he pulled away, feeling his heartbeat against his ribcage, and smiled. “Alright, I have to go. I have a meeting with Zachariah.”

“Right, right,” Dean nodded, pulling himself back together. “And I promise, no texts. I wouldn’t want Zachariah to give you another look.”

Castiel rolled his eyes. “Well, thanks. I appreciate it.”

“You’re welcome,” Dean said then let his eyes travel down Castiel for a moment. “You look good, man. Go get him.”

Throughout the years of working at Goldenwoods with Zachariah, Castiel had seen him in the extreme side of every mood so when he knocked and walked into his office to see Zachariah pleasantly calm, he was a bit suspicious.

“You wanted to see me?”

“Yes, take a seat,” Zachariah smiled and motioned to the chair in front of his desk. When Castiel did, he felt an uneasiness feeling fall over him. “How’s your day been?”

Castiel progressed lightly. “It’s been fine.”

“Great, so I’m guessing you took care of that text message?” Zachariah asked then took out a thick blue binder from his top drawer and opened it to a marked page. “I hope I can have your full attention now, so you can understand this correctly,” he pointed to a section of text. “Please read that for me.”

Castiel’s brows furrowed as he leaned forward to read the section, eyes widening as he trailed across the page.

**‘REGULATING CONSENSUAL ROMANTIC OR SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN COWORKERS’**

While he had read the policy before, it had been years since and he bit his bottom lip as he read. There were twelve procedures and being in a relationship with a fellow coworker was much easier to do than with someone in a managerial position.

He hadn’t even talked to HR.

“Look, Castiel, I get it,” Zachariah began and Castiel looked up from the binder. “New love is exciting and great and yada yada yada, but there are boundaries. You didn’t go to HR about you and Dean and you know Donna is always willing to talk to anyone. If not Donna, there’s always Joseph or Samantha. The complaints I’ve been receiving about you and him aren’t helping either.”

Maybe he should have lied and insist that he and Dean weren’t seeing each other. He quickly tossed the idea out considering how he acted around Dean.

“What complaints?” Castiel asked and realization dawned on him the moment he spoke. “From Marv?”

"Yes-”

Castiel ran a hand over his face and sighed. “Jesus.”

“There have been complaints from a few others,” Zachariah continued while he closed the binder then put his hands in his lap. He gave a pointed look when Castiel opened his mouth again. “It doesn’t matter who it was, but this doesn’t look good. Apparently many employees believe that you’re showing favoritism towards him and they aren’t happy about it to say the least,” Castiel’s eyes widened. “So, this can go one of three ways: either you and Dean go through an intensive screening about your relationship, you terminate the relationship, or you find a new job elsewhere.”

“This is absolutely ridiculous.”

“No one said you needed to start a relationship with someone in a lower position. You’re the editor-in-chief, so you should have prepared for something like this,” Zachariah said. Castiel wanted to roll his eyes. “This is your choice and I urge you to make it quickly because we’re starting with the new authors soon.”

Castiel paused, mulling over the situation. “Fine, I’ll… I’ll figure it out.”

“Great,” Zachariah smiled. The uneasiness pushed further onto Castiel and he needed to get out of the office as soon as possible. He stood up and headed out of the room, hearing Zachariah call on his way out. “I’ll hear from you soon!”

Castiel’s mind raced with thoughts of his job, new relationship with Dean, and which employees decided to complain. The thoughts of Dean rang the loudest. Dean, Dean, Dean. He walked down the hall to his office and locked eyes with a couple of coworkers and every time he did, a roll of doubt went through him.

The dull ache in his lower back chose to flare up then and Castiel kept his hands off of it until he reached his office. Castiel closed the door and rubbed his lower back, quickly deciding that the immediate stress was probably the cause of it. He needed to talk to Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are a lot of things happening in this chapter and I want to say so much more but I don't want to spoil anything! Anyway, thank you so much for reading and leaving a comment would mean the world to me. I love reading them!


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update: Hey everyone! If you're reading this as WIP, I apologize for taking a bit longer to get a chapter up. I started at university again and my days are all pretty long, 9-5, and if I'm not in class then I'm studying, doing extracurriculars, or hanging out with friends. So, if you didn't know, my real life is always going to be more important. BUT! I am not abandoning this fic. I have it all planned out until the very end and I love the characters and the story. Basically, it'll take longer to get chapters out. I hope that's fine. 
> 
> Now that the update is out of the way, enjoy the chapter!

It hurt.

The throbbing, aching, stabbing pain that was deep in his muscles, rolling through like hot knives. The stiffness laid dormant in his legs and neck each morning and kept him in bed longer than he wanted. Sometimes he felt overworked and exhausted despite staying in his office all day. Some days the burning sensation felt like pins and needles rushing through his blood to his muscles.

It hurt.

Castiel stayed faithful to his medication routine and started attending yoga sessions again, much to Tamara’s happiness, and yet his pain steadily grew. He never thought of himself as someone that followed in the belief of karma, but he couldn’t help and think that some of it had to do with the fact that he still hadn’t told Dean about the situation.

He couldn’t ignore Dean for multiple reasons at the office and the main one was that he couldn’t be rude. This wasn’t his fault and he didn’t deserve something like this. Neither of them did, really, but that notion to include himself slowly faded as the pain grew and the deadline to come up with a solution came up quicker than he thought.

Castiel decided, then, that he needed to discuss the possibilities with Dean.

That Friday night was spent at Dean’s, they had been spending more time at his place mainly because of Spoons, and their pizza from Project Pie sat on the coffee table as _The Avengers_ played. Castiel glanced over at Dean, watching as he took another bite, then looked back at the television. The timing was all wrong.

“You alright?”

Dean’s words rang in his ears. He quickly tossed around the idea of being fine or finally disclosing what had been eating him up inside for almost a week. He looked at Dean with a sigh.

“Zachariah knows about our relationship,” Castiel began, watching Dean’s brow shoot up while he chewed. “He’s not pleased, to say the least and we talked about it last week,” he paused when Dean’s brows furrowed and he wished that he hadn’t said anything. He wished that he could just ignore Zachariah’s constant nagging voice in his head: _‘You need to terminate the relationship, find a new job, or apply for the screening! I need you to figure this out before we officially begin with the new books!’_. Zachariah made it sound so easy. “He told me that others think I’m showing favoritism towards you and he’s still irritated that I didn’t go to HR, so he said that we could either end our relationship, go through a screening, or I could find a new job.”

Dean’s eyes widened. He took a sip of his beer and swallowed his bite. “He said that?”

Castiel nodded. While he wanted to elaborate, he watched the display of emotions flash across Dean’s face instead. He felt an air of uneasiness float through the room then and Dean’s eyes hardened.

“He’s such a fucking jackass,” Dean said. “Have you thought about this?”

“Yes, I,” Castiel began and stopped when a shooting pain coursed through his lower back. He frowned and tried to ignore Dean’s concern as he continued. “I’m conflicted because while the screening is highly invasive, I think it’s our only option.”

“I’m not giving that asshole any details about what we do outside of work. There’s no reason for him to know that.”

Castiel’s brows knitted together. “If he threatened to fire me, I think that’s reason enough.”

“He’s not going to fire you, Cas,” Dean said. “You’re the editor-in-chief.”

“He threatened to fire me once before,” Castiel said. The air of uneasiness that floated around them pressed against him as his eyes hardened into a glare. “And now he has a legitimate excuse.”

Dean paused then took another sip of beer, mulling everything over. “Fine, I’ll do the screening.”

“But do you want to do the screening?”

“No, but what choice do we have?” Dean said. “And it’s not like we’re going to break up and you’re not going to get fired by that jackass.” Castiel smiled softly for a moment until another roll of shooting pain flowed through his back. He frowned and let out a small whine when he touched his back. Dean’s frustration turned into concern as he scooted closer to him. “What’s wrong?”

“My back,” Castiel said between his teeth. “It just… hurts. “

Dean nodded. “Is there anything I can do?”

“You don’t have any heating pads here,” Castiel said. He closed his eyes and breathed in. “I’ll be fine. My pain’s been growing as of late. I think it’s stress related. Can you talk about something?”

“Yeah, yeah, sure.”

Castiel listened as Dean went on about the movie, the pizza, and things he liked about him. He started on his eyes because they were so, so blue, his smile was next because he loved how wide and gummy it could get, his dark hair and chapped lips. Castiel wanted to roll his eyes when Dean started on how kind and courageous he was but his stomach knotted instead.

He loved hearing Dean’s voice. It was soothing as his low rumble spoke about the movie and the next date that he wanted to take Castiel on. He wanted them to go to the Museum of Natural History and Castiel smiled at the thought. He always loved the ‘Whales: Giant of the Deep’ exhibit.

As Dean spoke, Castiel wished that the pain in his muscles eased but the burning and shooting sensations stayed. He opened his eyes and sighed.

“Dean?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I,” Castiel began then took another deep breath. “Can I stay here tonight?”

It was embarrassing. Through all of the books he had read and the advice he received from Meg, he knew that he had no reason to be and it was alright to ask for help. Regardless, Castiel wanted to be anything but vulnerable.

“Yeah, sure,” Dean said. “Do you need help walking up the stairs?”

It was embarrassing.

Dean helped Castiel to the bedroom an hour later. It was slow progress and Castiel tried to keep his wincing to a minimum while Dean asked if he was fine every now and then. He just wanted to lay down.

Castiel had always imagined that he’d see Dean’s bedroom the first time they had sex. It was supposed to be magical or at least during a time where he felt sexy. Now, he felt like an exhausted pile of mush and he couldn’t even comment on how soft the sheets were.

"I’m sorry for everything,” Castiel said when he laid down on the bed, looking at Dean who was still at the foot of it. “I never thought this would be the way I’d see your bedroom.”

“Me neither,” Dean shrugged with a teasing smile. He walked to the side of the bed to sit. “But hey, there’s no reason to be sorry. Shit happens, you know? You need pajamas, right? Shorts or pants?”

Castiel watched as Dean stood up from the bed and headed to the dark wooden dresser, opening the second shelf. “Pants.”

Dean turned around with a pair of blue pajama pants in his hand. “Do you need help putting them on?”

Again, it was embarrassing.

Castiel was at a crossroads with wanting Dean to touch, to cuddle, and spoon him and wanting him to stay as far away as possible when he got into bed. He couldn’t be touched right now because it would just enhance the pain and when he told Dean that, he felt an air of distance grow between them.

“That’s fine,” Dean said once he turned off the lamp on his nightstand. “I want you to be comfortable.”

"Thank you, Dean,” Castiel moved his hand towards Dean’s and intertwined their fingers together as he looked up at the pitch black ceiling. “For everything.”

“You too, Cas.”

Castiel wasn’t sure if he should have focused on his heart that beat against his ears or on the soothing motion of Dean’s thumb rubbing circles on his hand. Castiel focused on Dean. He always wanted to focus on Dean.

***

 _6:49PM, December 10_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\--Donna bet $20 that I can beat you in a game of pool and Garth put down $25 for you this Friday at the roadhouse. You in? :-)_

Castiel rolled his eyes with a smirk and as he started to reply, a text message filled the top of his screen.

_Meg Masters - Hey, look what I fou…_

Castiel swiped to the text message and frowned as he read.

 _6:50PM, December 10_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Meg Masters_  
_\--Hey, look what I found. You gonna go?_

Castiel clicked on the link attached which led him to a Facebook event called _‘Friends, Fibro, and Food’_ and his heart quickened as he read the details.

_‘Come join Daily Strength for food, friends, and comfort at The Trails Eatery on December 12th from 10:00AM to 12:00PM! We’ll be talking about fibro, management, support and anything else under the sun! Things will be very laid back and if you have any questions, please email susanj.239@gmail.com. We hope to see you there!’_

He could practically hear Meg remind him of the list he created with everything he wanted to do. He wanted to find a support group, after all, and he read it one more time before going back to the text message.

 _6:54PM, December 10_  
_To: Meg Masters_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--I’ll think about it._

Castiel switched to Dean’s text message.

 _6:56PM, December 10_  
_To: Dean Winchester_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--This Friday? You’re on, Winchester. Get your bills ready._

 _6:58PM, December 10_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\--You’ll eat your words and be broke by the night ends. Don’t worry, though, you can earn your money back. ;-)_

Castiel’s smile grew as a blush formed and he quickly shut his phone off when he heard a knock on the door. When he looked up, he frowned as Zachariah stood at the doorway.

“Still working?” Zachariah smiled and Castiel wished that he could grab one of his ballpoint pens from his wooden pen holder and throw it into his eye. What a dream. “I thought the workload was still pretty low key. I want everyone to ease into the new titles.”

Castiel’s eyes focused into a glare. “Right, well, my work never ends.”

“Hm,” Zachariah nodded slowly and gripped onto his briefcase a little tighter. “Have you thought about your situation with Dean further? Time is running out.”

“I’m still thinking,” Castiel said. He wondered if he had enough aim to get an open pair of scissors in both of Zachariah’s eyes. “Like I said, I’m very busy.”

Zachariah only smiled more and Castiel’s stomach recoiled. “Right, but no relationship has ever been great enough to lose an entire twelve years of work for, has it?”

Castiel forced a smile. “I guess not.”

“Great, we’ll talk about this more soon,” Zachariah said. “Anyway, I have to get going. Marcy is cooking meatloaf tonight!”

Castiel just nodded and watched him leave. He grabbed his cell phone and scrolled through his contacts until he got to Dean’s. The line only rang twice before he heard a click.

“Hey, man. What’s-”

“Can you come over when I get home?” Castiel cut in. He let out a sigh and began again. “Zachariah is even more insufferable than Marv. I need… I need an escape.”

Dean chuckled. “Are you still at work? Damn. Being around Zachariah for that long will drive you nuts. But yeah, I’ll be over in a few.”

“Thank you so much,” Castiel said as he smiled. “I have Emmi for the week so we won’t be able to do… anything. Anyway, I have to bake some cookies for the next PTA meeting, too, but I’d still like to see you. I just…”

“No, I get it,” Dean said. “And I love seeing Emmi and I’ll bring some Claritin. I’ll be over in thirty.”

“Okay, I’ll see you then.”

Castiel ended the call then shut down his computer. He noticed that he was the last one in the building as he walked through the halls, seeing all of the empty offices. He walked slower than usual due to his higher-than-average pain level and wanting to take in all of the photographs on the walls.

Most of them had to do with great accomplishments from each department and he let his eyes trail on a frame praising the marketing department. Dean stood in the middle of the photograph in a fitted suit, the rest of the department by his side with wide smiles as well, and he read the small script on the plaque below it.

_‘Goldenwood’s marketing department has been recognized by California State Publishing for their incredible work in the field for five years in a row. We can’t accomplish any of it without the head of the department, Dean Winchester.’_

Castiel walked further as his eyes traveled across pictures displaying history of the company to other employees that contributed a great deal to the success of Goldenwoods. He stopped at the large frame of him and Zachariah at the front of the entryway. The photograph was taken seven years ago and although Zachariah founded the company alone, they had both help build it from the ground up in their own ways.

He read the plaque at the bottom.

_‘Founder Zachariah Phelps and Editor-in-Chief Castiel Novak have worked tirelessly to create the best small publishing company in San Diego. Great friends create great businesses.’_

The last sentence echoed through his ears. Castiel glanced from Zachariah to himself and took in his own cool and serious demeanor. His eyes were focused and distant and things were so different back then. He would never have thought he would divorce his college sweetheart, befriend most of his colleagues, obtain a rare chronic condition, and start to date one of the department heads in the span of almost a year.

Castiel hardly recognized the man in the photograph now.

***

Dean’s Impala was already in the driveway when he pulled up to the house. He honked as he drove into the driveway and parked next to him. Dean looked out the window and smiled.

“Hey,” Castiel said when he parked his car and cut the ignition. “Why are you still sitting out here?”

Dean shrugged. “Just waiting for you.”

“Right,” Castiel nodded then grabbed his black shoulder bag. He slipped out of his car and walked to the Impala, setting his elbows on the open window. “So, I’m guessing it has nothing to do with you not wanting to be in the same room with Meg alone?”

“No, of course not.” A smile spread across Dean’s lips before he pulled Castiel closer. “Come here.”

Castiel melted into the kiss while Dean deepened it. He had been so wrapped up in his own thoughts that he almost forgot how much he enjoyed the taste of Dean’s lips.

“Missed this,” Castiel hummed softly as he pulled away. “I’ve missed you.”

“Yeah, me too,” Dean said. He pulled out his keys from the ignition and opened the door. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m alright,” Castiel began and continued when Dean gave him a look once he slipped out of the car. He sighed and followed Dean to the front door. “It’s better than it has been.”

“Good,” Dean said, putting a hand on Castiel’s lower back as he unlocked the door. “I’m glad to hear that.”

Although Castiel wanted Dean’s hand to stay on his lower back, it fell to the side when he opened the door and was greeted by Emmi and Spoons. He let Emmi wrap her arms around him then watched as she went to Dean while Spoons trailed between his legs, pressing himself against him. Castiel walked into the kitchen and listened as Meg started on something funny Emmi did while he was at work.

Times like these were nice and a much-needed distraction.

Meg left an hour into Castiel’s baking ordeal and Emmi helped as much as she could which left both of them covered in flour and the kitchen counters sticky beyond belief. Dean couldn’t stop laughing.

“I didn’t think baking would be this difficult,” Dean said as he took in Castiel and Emmi. He was about to lay his elbows on the counter before he thought better. He looked at the big red mixing bowl then back to Castiel. “Are you sure you don’t need any help?”

Castiel sighed and ran a hand through his hair which effectively got flour in it while musing it up. Dean smirked and Castiel’s brows furrowed. “What?”

Dean shrugged. “Nothing, nothing.”

Castiel turned to Emmi when she started giggling. She stood on her toes as she swiped at his hair. “You have flour in your hair.”

He frowned even more then turned and grabbed the toaster next to the stove. He looked in it and tried to fix his hair before he realized that it was no use. Castiel looked over at Emmi and Dean. “Well, the dough is finished so now you just have to taste it before we put them in the oven.”

Dean nodded and walked into the kitchen, careful not to touch anything, then grabbed a spoon with Emmi to taste the dough. He and Emmi’s noses scrunched up together.

“This is bad,” Emmi said as she put down the spoon. “What’s in it?”

“It can’t be that-”

“It’s pretty bad,” Dean nodded. “If this is for a PTA meeting, you can’t just bring something like this. Really, I can help you.”

Emmi nodded. “Take it.”

Castiel glanced between the two then stopped on Dean. “Fine. Do whatever you want.”

“No, no, I’ll teach you the recipe,” Dean said and continued when Castiel squinted. “It’s a recipe of Karen’s. Really easy. Do you have chocolate chips?”

This began the long night of baking. Dean wrote down the cookie recipe beforehand and walked Castiel through each step, letting Emmi help when she wanted before she back into the living room to play with Spoons. While Dean cleaned the counter as a batch of cookies baked in the oven, Castiel dusted his hand in one of the small piles of flour and grinned.

“Hey, Dean, can you get this spot right here?”

Dean scrubbed the counter again then turned to Castiel. “Hm?”

Castiel rubbed his hand on Dean’s face and laughed as the white flour coated half his face. Dean’s eyes widened before he slid his hand across the counter, coating his hand in flour and meeting Castiel’s face. He smiled when Castiel’s jaw dropped slightly and it was how the game began.

Dean coated his hand again and rubbed it on a part of Castiel, he chose the silly cat apron he wore before Castiel did the same and ran a hand through his hair. The kitchen filled with laughter and the notion of cleaning was out the window as they continued. Castiel took in Dean’s crinkles in the corner of his eyes as they laughed and they were so open and warm. He grabbed his flannel in one hand as he pulled him in, his eyes closing.

Emmi’s footsteps grew louder as she walked into the kitchen.“Hey, Daddy!”

Castiel sighed and opened his eyes, taking in Dean’s powdery face with a smirk before he turned around as his arms fell to his sides.

“Yes?”

“Spoons threw up in my room,” Emmi said, her nose scrunching up. “Can you clean it up? And why are you covered in flour?”

“It’s a long story but, um, yes. I’ll come clean it up,” Castiel said as Dean chuckled behind him. He watched Emmi walk back into her room before he turned to Dean. “Maybe we can finish this later?”

“Yeah, yeah. Go clean up the cat puke.”

Castiel rolled his eyes then pecked Dean on the lips before he walked out of the kitchen to the hallway. The romance wasn’t dead. It was just delayed.

***

The Roadhouse had its quirks like the sticky floors in the restrooms or the gang of tattooed bikers that hung out at the bar every Friday night. It wasn’t the cleanest and classiest joint but Dean loved it. Castiel could appreciate the rougher things in life.

They arrived around seven and he followed Dean as they searched for the table that Charlie, Garth, Donna, and Chuck already saved. Castiel spotted Garth as _AC/DC_ filled his ears and nudged Dean to the direction of the table.

Chuck pulled Castiel in a hug. “Long time no see, huh?”

“Definitely,” Castiel said. He pulled away and sat next to Donna while Dean walked back to the bar with Charlie. “So, how’s your week been?”

“Oh, it’s been fine,” Donna smiled. “And you and Dean?”

Castiel brows furrowed. “Charlie told you?”

“Well, yes. Also, it’s not like you two were that discreet at work,” Donna shrugged. “Marv also complains about it nonstop.”

Castiel rolled his eyes. It was the start of a long conversation about the relationship policy once Chuck and Garth decided to check out the bar with Dean and Charlie. Donna was sympathetic and told him that she could get the screening finished quickly without them having to divulge in too much.

“I don’t want to go through all that,” Castiel said. He looked over at Dean at the bar as he talked to Garth and Charlie about something. “I just… I ‘ll figure something out.”

“Alright, two orders of fries and chicken wings are on the way,” Chuck announced as he walked up the table. “Also, I bet on Dean with the pool game. Sorry, man.”

“No, it’s fine,” Castiel said while Chuck sat down. “I guess I know who my real friends are which, apparently, is only Garth.”

Donna squeezed his shoulder. “If you prove us wrong then we’ll bet on you.”

“Wow,” Castiel turned to Donna with a smile. “Thanks."

Castiel didn’t know why he roped himself in a game of pool or if Dean was concerned, multiple rounds of pool. He had minimum experience and remembered the story of Dean winning a guy’s Rolex, but none of it mattered anyway now. He stood on the opposite side of the table with Garth and Donna by his side as he watched Dean sink a few balls.

He pursed his lips and looked over at Donna. She shrugged and drank some of her beer. Castiel took in Dean and his smug smile. He shook his head with amusement and walked over to the white ball. Who was he kidding? He had no idea what he was doing.

Although Donna helped him as much as she could through the game which Charlie repeated said was unfair, he still lost. After two other games and a handful of fries, he called it quits.

“You’re an ass,” Castiel smiled at Dean as he put up his pool stick. He wrapped his arms around Dean’s lower back and took in his scent of strawberries and pine. “Why haven’t you been teaching me?”

“I apologize,” Dean said, rubbing his hand on Castiel’s arm. “I’ll start teaching you again. You still like me, right?”

Castiel nodded. “Mhm. I’d like you more if you’d just kiss me.”

“I can do that,” Dean said. He leaned into a kiss and happy fluttering coursed through Castiel. His ears burned when he heard Jo yell _‘Get a room!’_ and he opened his eyes when he heard Charlie and Donna chuckling. He giggled against Dean’s lips when he saw that he was flipping her off. Castiel pushed his arm down, feeling it wrap around him while he closed his eyes again.

He could get used to this.

***

Meg’s text message about the fibromyalgia meetup hadn’t gone unnoticed by him. He thought about it the rest of the night after Dean dropped him off after The Roadhouse so when he woke up that Saturday morning, he found himself getting ready for it. Although he tried not think too much about it, he just thought about his list and everything that he had learned from the countless books he read.

He could do this and, really, he needed to.

Castiel drove to The Trails Eatery and took in all of the cars in the parking lot. There were so many and, of course, they could have belonged to the Barnes & Nobles, Payless, or Froyo but Castiel couldn’t stop thinking that they were all from people in the group. He stared at the restaurant for a moment, trying not to decide to go home, then looked at the time on the dashboard. 10:15AM.

He smoothed down his t-shirt then cut the ignition before slipping out of his Prius and heading inside. Castiel had only been at the restaurant a handful of times and scanned the room for them. He glanced over to see a hostess coming to greet him and eyed the place again then felt relief when he saw a table with a sign sitting on it that read _‘Daily Strength Group!’_.

“Hi, welcome,” the hostess greeted when she walked up to Castiel. “How many?”

“Oh, I’m already in the group over there,” Castiel said then nodded to the table. “Thank you, though.” The hostess smiled and they went their separate ways. Castiel took a deep breath as he walked up to the table, taking in the few women that sat around the table. He eyed a thin blonde in a sundress. “Is this the fibromyalgia group?”

Castiel listened to his voice and he wanted to recoil on himself from his awkwardness. This was a bad idea. Maybe he could say that he was mistaken the table for something else and-

“It is! I’m Cindy,” she smiled and held her hand out for him to shake. “And you are?”

“Oh, I’m Castiel,” He said then let his hand fall back to his side. “This is my first meeting and I’m a bit hesitant.”

“Totally reasonable, but we’re very laid back. Promise,” Cindy smiled. “Take a seat. Have you been here before?”

It wasn’t so bad. Castiel introduced himself to the women around the table and got their names as well, Rebecca, Amanda, and Lynn, before he looked through the menu. Cindy filled him in with what they did during the meetings and explained that they usually try to keep them at someone’s home or at a gluten-free restaurant.

A few other women came joined their table, Margaret, Stacey, and Lisa before they all ordered. He was seated in between Lynn and Stacey and after an ice-breaker, he got out of his shell. They began with management and complaints about doctors and every day pain before they drifted on about relationships and work.

“It’s frustrating to see you being treated this way,” Margaret told Lisa. “If he doesn’t understand that sometimes you just can’t go out then he doesn’t deserve you.” Castiel listened as he ate his omelet. “Also, the only thing I go by now is that if I’m dealing with pain every day, I’m not going to waste any time on something that makes my life worse than it feels like sometimes. I’ve been hell and back so I’m just trying to live the best life I can now.”

Lisa’s lips thinned as she nodded. She took a drink of coffee then looked at Castiel. “So, Castiel, are you in a relationship?”

Castiel’s cheeks reddened as he chewed.

“There’s no reason to be embarrassed,” Rebecca said, tucking a strand of her curly hair over her ear. “But you don’t have to share if you don’t want to.”

“No, I can,” Castiel said, covering his mouth as he swallowed his last bite. “His name is Dean. I met him at work and we’ve only been dating a couple months now. We were friends beforehand but, um, he’s very accommodating with my pain. It’s really great.”

Amanda hummed in dissatisfaction. Castiel learned twenty minutes before that she had already been divorced twice. “Well, just wait until you get to six months or a year then their true colors come out.”

“Well, thank you for the advice,” Castiel said as she glared. “But I’ve already divorced someone that didn’t understand it, so I think I know what to look out for.”

Cindy nodded. “Adding chronic pain on top of a relationship is always tricky. But if you ever need to talk about anything then we’re here to listen.”

Castiel thanked her again then went back to his omelet. It was quiet for a moment, Amanda still mulled over her dissatisfaction until Lynn cleared her throat.

“Have you read the new research?”

The meal was saved from any awkward silences by the discussion of neuropathy, hydrotherapy, and premature aging in the brain. Castiel was so grateful to have a group of people that he could discuss things from heating pads to the newest research without feeling like a bore. Honestly, he could talk about different medications, side effects, and annoying symptoms for hours if he could.

Castiel was disappointed when the meeting ended. He was having so much time discussing the difference between gabapentin and Lyrica with Rebecca and traded numbers with her before they headed out of the restaurant.

“I’m sure you and Dean will work out nicely,” Rebecca said as they walked to their cars. “Maybe we could go on a double date or something?”

“Yeah, definitely. I’d like that.” Castiel said then stopped once they reached his car. “We usually stay in our own friend group anyway, so I think that would be good.”

“Great. It was so nice meeting you,” Rebecca hugged Castiel and pulled away with a smile. “I’ll text you soon?”

“Yes, please,” Castiel said then his voice changed into mock-seriousness. “I still have a lot of thoughts on gabapentin.”

Rebecca chuckled. “Who doesn’t?”

Castiel smiled and they said their goodbyes. He looked out into the parking lot and saw that everyone else was already at their cars. He looked over at Rebecca once again before unlocking his car and slipping in. He’d have to thank Meg for the push. Before he called, though, he went to the list on his phone and struck through the idea.

Now, Castiel only had six more things on his list.

***

When he started Lyrica, Castiel naively believed that work would become easier. Although it had in a way and he wasn’t in as much constant pain before, there were days where his stress levels increased to a point that pressed on his pain to an extent that medication couldn’t even fix.

This was one of those days and he wanted to fire whoever thought this first rough edit of _Moonlight Wolf_ that he read on his computer monitor was good enough to even be considered as a first rough edit. He groaned and rubbed at his shoulder for a moment before he clicked on the email he was sent with the attachment. Castiel’s eyes ran across the screen and read the list of people that worked on the edit.

 _Main Editor: Kevin Tran_  
_Sub-Editors: Marley Hart, James Sage, Lauren Johnson_

Castiel groaned and Ruby’s words to him about Kevin immediately echoed in his mind. Maybe he was incompetent and maybe she was right. Oh god, what if she was right?

He took a deep breath and emailed him to schedule a meeting to talk about it. Castiel ran a hand through his hair and moved onto the next thing.

The next thing that set him on edge was when his lunch was cut short because of Marv. Apparently, he needed something done right then and even Zachariah had signed off on the impromptu meeting. He spent two hours in Marv’s office going through a design label for the book and it didn’t even need to be finished for months.

Castiel’s pain progressed with the day as thing after thing went wrong. He didn’t even have any time to go home to change shirts after Becky spilled Zachariah’s hot Starbucks on him. He used to love coffee and almost lived on it when he started at Goldenwoods. Now, though, since he stopped cold turkey five years ago, the smell of it made his stomach knot and subsequently caused a raging headache.

He was so relieved when 6PM came.

As Castiel shut off his computer and grabbed his shoulder bag, he looked up when he heard a knock on the door. He frowned when he saw Zachariah in the doorway.

Zachariah’s brows furrowed. “Were you packing up to leave?”

“Yes, it is six,” Castiel said, straightening his bag strap. “There’s nothing else to do.”

“Right about that,” Zechariah began as he walked into the office. “I apologize for not telling you sooner but you need to stay to finish up a few documents for tomorrow.” Castiel’s brows knitted as Zachariah walked to his desk and opened his briefcase. He took out a stack of files and pushed them further to the middle. “This has to be completed by tomorrow morning.”

Castiel glared at the stack as he felt the shooting pains in his back grow while his anger bubbled up inside. “I can’t finish this tonight. I’ll be here until midnight, at least.”

“Yes, well, when things happen,” Zachariah hummed. He turned to look at Castiel and eyed the coffee stain on his white button down. “Besides, you’ll have the smell of coffee to keep you awake.”

“I can’t do this, Zachariah, not tonight,” Castiel said. He took a deep breath and gripped onto the bag’s strap tighter. “I have a headache and my pain is higher than-”

“Have you thought about the decision with Dean yet?” Zachariah began, cutting him off. He closed his briefcase and smiled at Castiel. “I really need your decision soon and, in fact, let’s do it now. What were you thinking?” Castiel’s hands shook with anger as he faced Zachariah’s calm demeanor and an easygoing smile. His heartbeat pounded against his chest and he glared with Zachariah tilted to the side. “Hm?”

“Fuck you.”

Zachariah’s eyes widened as he took a step back. “Pardon?”

“I said, fuck you,” Castiel said, his voice low and his eyes focused. “I’ve had a terrible day with incompetent employees and your Starbucks drink on me then you come waltzing in here to tell me that I have something else to do on the one day I can go home at a reasonable time?”

Zachariah smiled again. “We all have to put in-”

“No, I’m done putting in an extra hour here and there. I’ve been here thirteen years and you still treat me like I’m some indisposable copy editor. I’m the editor-in-chief and your equal,” Castiel stepped closer to Zachariah. “You should show me some respect.”

“You don’t think I show you respect?” Zachariah asked, his head tilting to the side again. “I’ve let you and your work fall to the wayside because of your condition while other employees have had to pick up your slack. If I didn’t respect you, I would have fired you five years ago and let Benny take your place.”

Castiel shook his head. “We both know that you only let me stay because you felt bad for getting us in that car accident.”

“Is that supposed to make me feel bad, Castiel?”

“You’re such an asshole,” Castiel said. “And, you know, the only reason I spent time with you outside of work was because everyone else in the office hates you.”

Zachariah bit back. “And they hate you, too.”

Castiel heard Margaret's advice echo in his ears. He had been dealing with chronic pain for years and she was right, after the hell and back, he deserved to spend his time doing things he loved.

“You know what?” Castiel said, his anger bleeding into his voice. “I’ve wasted thirteen years here and I quit.”

“What? You can’t just-”

“Go fuck yourself,” Castiel said, walking past Zachariah and out of his office. “And when you’re done, go to hell.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and like always, I would love if you commented! I love reading them :-)


	23. Chapter 23

Castiel’s first job was as an altar server at age ten.

St. Mary’s Catholic Church was where he was baptized, confirmed, and took part in the holy communion. Up until he went to college, he was an outstanding Catholic boy that went to Catholic private schools, took part in confession, and read the Bible every night. Of course, he had only read the Bible every night because he felt immense guilt for masturbating to the picture of Leonardo Dicaprio he kept under his mattress.

But that was neither here nor there.

He had the job until he was thirteen and quit because of the relentless teasing from Michael about his sneezing after every time they had to burn incense. He still remembered feeling so strange when he took a paper route two weeks later. Although his parents weren’t supportive of him having a job outside the Church, he kept at it until he became a busboy at sixteen.

Castiel had a job ever since and because of that, coming into Goldenwoods two days later to clear his office felt surreal. It was also irritating watching his used-to-be subordinates looking out their offices just to sneak a peek at him while Christmas music filled the halls as he walked down the hall to his own. They always went back into their office when he glared at them.

He wasn’t surprised that his nameplate was removed from the right of the door when he arrived at his office. Zachariah had always been petty.

Castiel’s brows furrowed when he tried to open the door and found it was locked. He jiggled it again and sighed.

“Mr. Phelps had the lock changed,” Castiel jumped at the sudden sound and turned around to see Becky with a stack of files in her arms. She tucked a strand of hair over her ear and cleared her throat. “I’m so sorry, Mr. Novak. I didn’t mean to scare you but um, yes. Mr. Phelps had the locks changed the day after you quit. I think he has the keys in his office.”

“Thank you, Becky,” Castiel said and made his way further down the hall to Zachariah’s. When Becky still followed, he frowned. “Why are you still following me?”

“I just…” she stopped and turned to Castiel. “Is it true that you threatened to burn down the building when you quit?”

Castiel stared at her for a moment. While he wished that he could have said that he was shocked by this, Becky had always been strange with her obsession with The Vampire Diaries and fanfiction. Castiel only learned what fanfiction was when he stopped by her cramped office to check on something and saw that whatever was on her screen didn’t look like any documents or spreadsheets he had seen.

When he asked what it was, she went into a huge spiel about what she was reading (Harry Potter fanfiction) and the apparent politics of it. Castiel was so confused by the end of it that almost forgot to check on what he needed from her. He was just thankful that she chose to talk about it with other employees after that.

Castiel’s eyes flickered to her Horcrux necklace then to her eyes. “No, Becky, I didn’t threaten to burn down the building. Do you really think I’d do that?”

“Well,” Becky shrugged. “It’s better than the other rumors I’ve heard so I just assumed…”

“What other rumors?”

Becky’s eyes lit up then looked around the hallway and back to Castiel. “Well, I can tell you all the deets in my office.”

Castiel hesitated then relented. When he followed her into her office and saw the small shrine of Ian Somerhalder, he almost left. Although he loved the same type of shows, his love for them started and ended with the program itself and fan theories every now and then. He wasn’t about to start about to start a shrine on Poe and Finn’s suspected relationship.

Becky didn’t get that.

“So,” Castiel began when he tore his eyes off of a Harry Potter poster then sat in a plastic chair next to her desk. “What has been said?”

“Marv told Lauren that…”

Castiel should have known that the majority of the rumors began with Marv. He softened his glare as Becky told him about another rumor involving a brick and some mace because she thought he was mad at him. Of course, he couldn’t be mad at Becky because although she was weird, she was harmless.

“Does Zachariah know of any of this?”

“Oh, I assume so. Marv hasn’t shut up about it since yesterday in the breakroom, through the halls, and even a meeting! It was so crazy.”

“Of course,” Castiel said then stood up. “Thank you for the information. I need to talk to Zachariah.”

“Okay, have fun. I’m busy anyway with my writing,” Becky continued as she lowered her voice. “You know how it is with Harry and Hermione.”

Castiel squinted as his head cocked to the side. He watched as Becky’s eyes trailed to her computer monitor again and he took that as his cue to leave. The sounds of footsteps, typing, and ringing grated on his nerves as he shut the office door behind himself. He took a deep breath as the irritation built up inside of him before heading to Zachariah’s office.

Zachariah was clever and petty and a handful of other things that Castiel didn’t want to say aloud to most so he huffed when he walked into his office. “I need my office door open.”

“Good morning to you, too, Castiel,” Zachariah smiled. “And what do you mean by your office door? You don’t work here anymore.”

Castiel rolled his eyes. “You know what I mean. Just… just open the door so I can get my belongings.”

“You’ve always been so dramatic,” Zachariah stood up and grabbed a key from the top drawer of his desk. “Hopefully your future employer can put up with that,” Zachariah ran his eyes up and down then smirked. “And everything else.”

Castiel took a deep breath as he tried to steady his nerves. He let Zachariah walk pass him then followed into the hallway to his office. After knowing Zachariah for thirteen years, he knew that he was basking in the stares of his subordinates. It was most likely why he decided to jiggle the key into the door lock loudly before he turned it and opened the door.

“You have half an hour, alright?” Zachariah lowered his voice and kept his smile. “Or I’ll throw all your belongings in the garbage and give you, as you’ve put it, a hearty “fuck you”. I’m sure all the employees that hate you will love to see that.”

“And I’m sure you’d love to do it as well,” Castiel continued as a smile formed. “But maybe you can be a little more original. You will be the one coming up with the big ideas now. I hope you can manage without becoming the stale man you’ve always been.”

Zachariah pursed his lips for a moment. “Thirty minutes.”

“Of course,” Castiel smiled and walked past Zachariah and into his office. “I’m sure you’ll want the door open in case, you know, I try to burn down the building.”

Zachariah’s eyes widened for a quick second before his eyes hardened again. “Thirty minutes, Castiel.”

Castiel gave him a thumbs up and watched as he walked down the hallway. When he fell out of sight, he closed the door and turned around with a sigh. Everything was still right where it was from two days ago from the stack of files on his desk to the colorful pens and Vincent Van Gogh paintings on his walls.

Thirteen years of his life was in this office.

He remembered how excited how he was to get a position as a copy editor because it was like a symbolic slap in the face for his family that didn’t think he’d ever make it with a degree in English Language and Literature. When he was promoted to editor-in-chief, Gabriel had taken him and Balthazar out for a celebratory dinner.

He used to be so full of creativity and energy and maybe others felt the same after quitting their jobs but a weight seemed to lift off his shoulders when he took the first painting down. Castiel took out boxes from the closet and started to clean out his drawers when he heard the knock on his door.

He smiled when he looked up and saw Dean.

“So, you’re not here to burn down the place?”

“Sadly no,” Castiel sighed. “I don’t think my next venture should be arson related.”

Dean nodded once with a smirk. “Sounds reasonable. Need help? I’m on lunch.”

“I need all the help I can get,” Castiel put another book into the box. “Zachariah gave me thirty minutes.”

Dean nodded again then pushed himself off of the doorframe and walked into the room. He eyed the room then picked up a couple books on a shelf. “It’s going to be weird to be farther than a couple steps away from you now, you know?”

“It will be,” Castiel agreed and watched as Dean put the stack of books in the box. “We’ve been working together for seven years and you’ve been delivering files to me for five but change is good. The book I’m reading has a great quote about it act-”

“Alright, alright, I get it,” Dean cut in, closing the place in between them and pulling Castiel closer. “Come here.”

Castiel flushed with a smile when Dean’s lips met his own and an annoyed groan was the only thing that parted them. “Oh god,” Castiel looked away from Dean and immediately noticed Marv in the hallway. “Can’t you guys save it for once?”

“No can do. He’s not my boss anymore so I can kiss him anytime I want,” Dean said. “And you were complaining about that, right? Yeah, yeah. You were. So, yeah. Thanks for that, man.”

Castiel pursed his lips as he tried to contain his grin as Marv’s eyes widened and jaw dropped. It was brief as his brows furrowed a moment later and Dean took that moment to pull Castiel in again.

***

For a fleeting moment, Castiel didn’t worry about being jobless. He quit a job that he hated and sat on a comfortable savings account to get him and Emmi by for a while as he found another job. He forgot that his life wasn’t that simple because there were still responsibilities, societal expectations and Balthazar.

He couldn’t even believe he forgot about Balthazar.

Maybe Castiel could have told his ex-husband about the recent events if they lived in a perfect world and maybe he would have understood. But he knew that Balthazar would still take any chance to end their joint custody agreement and his joblessness would just be another reason for a judge to reconsider it.

Due to all of this, he tried to keep it a secret from everyone outside the office. He still wore a button-down, a tie, and slacks every weekday as he helped Emmi get ready for school. He still left the house at eight-twenty and didn’t come home until five and he still paid Meg to watch Emmi when she was with him for the week.

Maybe he thought that Balthazar would drive by his house and realize that he was jobless now. Maybe he was just paranoid. Regardless, that didn’t stop him from driving to the Starbucks on the other side of town to make sure that he wouldn’t bump into his ex-husband.

Besides, it helped him focus on re-writing his resume and finding a job. It was a good system, really. Maybe his confidence of his system was the reason that he almost choked on his iced green tea when he noticed Balthazar and another man walking up to the entrance that Tuesday.

Castiel’s eyes widened as he took in their crisp suits and Balthazar’s smile. He minimized his page and headed into the restroom, the sound of holiday music following him as he pushed open the door to the men’s room. He pushed past the two men by the urinals and walked into a stall, locking it immediately.

While his heart pounded against his chest and mind raced, he tried to think of a plan because nothing concerning him and Balthazar could be easy. He also couldn’t stay in the restroom all afternoon. But what if Balthazar saw him and found out? Oh god, what if he found out?

Castiel’s breath caught in his throat when the restroom door opened and two sets of footsteps walked in. “We’re going to win. There’s no contest, really.”

“Of course,” Castiel walked further back into the stall and stumbled when the back of his legs hit the toilet at the sound of Balthazar’s voice. “You can’t compete with Wells Fargo on this level and honestly, it’s a bit embarrassing that they think they have a chance.”

“Right, right.” when he regained his balance, he listened to the footsteps. “How’s your hours looking?”

“Twelve hours isn’t that horrendous and Andrew likes looking after Emmi.”

“Oh, right, Andrew,” the man laughed. “Are you really going to bullshit me with that one? All the clubs he’s gone to and everything he’s tried? Why don’t you just leave her at your ex’s?”

“He’s incompetent and that’s putting it nicely.” Balthazar sighed. “The poor bastard can’t even bathe himself on a regular basis. It’s embarrassing and he can only function with the help of his hag. Besides, I fuck Andrew until I have him wrapped around my finger so yes, I think he’s fine with looking after Emmi.”

“Paying him in fucks.”

Castiel listened to the other man laugh again and the sound grated his ears as his heart sunk.

“Look,” Balthazar said, the sound of the urinals flushing filling the restroom. “Anyone is better than Castiel. If you saw him, you’d think the same.”

Another laugh with the sound of rushing water from sinks. Castiel stayed in the restroom for another hour and even when he left the stall and noticed that Balthazar and the man were gone, he still felt the heaviness in his chest. He packed up his laptop and threw away his drink before he left Starbucks and drove home with the sound of Balthazar’s words ringing his ears.

The words grew louder as he drove and while he tried to think of all the messages he had read in his self-help books, Balthazar’s voice didn’t relent. It never did. When he drove into his driveway and heard his cell phone ring from the cupholder and saw Dean’s name on the screen, he chuckled softly.

A smile grew on his lips when he answered and Dean’s warm voice filled the other side. He listened as Dean went on about his day in the office with Garth and Chuck’s bet on who could get the best present for their girlfriends for Christmas to Donna inviting all of them to Del Mar Village for the holiday event.

“ _Sorry, I’ve been talking nonstop since you answered. It’s just that today’s been really great,”_ Castiel hummed in agreement. _“Are you alright? You’ve been quiet. How’s job searching?”_

Castiel let out a small laugh. “I… It’s been going well. I’ve almost completed my new resume. When is the holiday event?”

 _“It starts on Saturday at six.”_ It was quiet for a moment as Castiel collected his thoughts and Dean’s voice was softer when he continued. _“We don’t have to go and we could do something else.”_

“I’d love to go,” Castiel said, pulling himself away from Balthazar’s words. “Really, I love this time of year.”

***

Castiel wasn’t lying when he told Dean that he loved this time of year. In fact, his opinion of Christmastime was the complete opposite of how he felt about Halloween. He loved watching wreaths that were full of bells and ribbons replace _‘Autumn is here!’_ welcome signs and the smell of vanilla and pine replace the smell of pumpkin spice in local shops.

He loved keeping all the holiday tradition with Emmi and although his mother had told him that Christmas was a holiday solely to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, he couldn’t shake the cheer of giving and baking cookies with Emmi. He decorated their Christmas tree and watched holiday movies with his daughter and that was that.

Del Mar Village was a shopping center that turned into a holiday wonderland during the month of December. Christmas lights filled the town center, holiday music played, and shops offered sweet treats.

“Don’t let me forget that I need to buy some buy some Danish kringle for Emmi before we leave,” Castiel said as they slipped out of the Impala. “It’s a tradition.”

Dean nodded as he looked down at his cell phone. “Got it. Donna’s by Annie’s Pretzels. Apparently, no one else showed.”

Castiel’s brows furrowed. “Only us?”

“Only us,” Dean said, slipping his cell phone back into his pocket. “Charlie’s already in Kansas visiting Dorothy’s family for Hanukkah, Chuck is sick, and Garth is bogged down with work. Donna’s bummed about it.”

Castiel nodded and slipped his hand into Dean’s. “Hopefully we’ll be able to cheer her up,”

Donna sat at the table in front of Annie’s Pretzels dipping a chunk of pretzel into cheese sauce when Castiel and Dean found her. She turned around when Dean called her name and smiled with a wave before she took a bite.

“I’m so happy you guys came,” Donna said, covering her mouth. She stood up from the table and engulfed Dean into a hug for a moment then turned to Castiel to do the same. “It’s kinda upsetting that no one else came but what can you do? Nothing a pretzel and cheese can’t fix,” she grabbed the rest of her pretzel and cup of cheese. “Now let’s get our Christmas cheer on.”

Dean nodded with a smile, glanced at Castiel, then followed Donna down the sidewalk.

“So, what are you two doing for Christmas?”

They made their way through a few shops until they stopped at a store filled with Christmas decorations. Castiel currently stood in front of a wall full of ornaments from Snoopy to Jesus while Dean took in the display of Santas and he looked at Dean for a moment before he cleared his throat.

“I’m not sure,” Castiel said then eyed the ornaments again. “My brother and sister are coming down.”

“I’m going up to Sioux Falls with Sam,” Dean said and Castiel glanced up from the ornaments. “But Cas and I are gonna do something, right?” Dean looked away from the Santas and to Castiel with a small smile. Flushing, Castiel bit his bottom lip as a smile escaped then looked back at the ornaments. “What are you doing?”

Donna said. “I’m headed back to Hibbing and visit family...”

While Castiel listened to Donna as she went on about her holiday traditions, he slowly made his way from the ornaments to Dean. He slipped his hand into Dean’s and smiled softly when he turned to him. Dean squeezed his hand and Castiel squeezed back as he felt the familiar warmth poured into his body.

The evening slowly progressed as they stopped at store after store, Castiel buying gift after gift and accumulating two full bags until Dean cleared his throat when the smell of chocolate chip cookies filled the air as they walked. Castiel smirked when he saw the sign, Grandma’s Cookies, and looked at Dean.

Dean turned to Castiel. “C’mon, we gotta stop,”

“Their cookies are so good,” Donna nodded then looked at Castiel. “And I’m sure that they have something gluten-free.”

“Either way, I’m getting cookies,” Dean said, leading the way into the shop.

Castiel watched Dean with amusement and followed Donna in when she pulled him by the wrist. The smell of sugar and chocolate filled Castiel’s nose when he walked behind Donna to the counter. He walked over to Dean and watched as he pursed his lips then ordered three chocolate chip cookies and a hot chocolate before asking him if he wanted anything. Castiel scanned the menu and ordered a cup of herbal tea. Dean nodded, looked at the menu then ordered another three gluten-free chocolate chip cookies.

Before Castiel protested, Dean just told him to trust him as he handed the cashier his card. He rolled his eyes and went to find a seat, watching as Dean waited at the counter for their good while Donna ordered.

Castiel sat his bags down at a table and straightened his back when he sat. The pain steadily grew as they walked and he knew he needed to take his medication soon. He ran a hand through his hair and looked up when Donna walked up to the table.

“Are you doing okay?”

“Fine,” Castiel said while Donna sat down and continued when her brow raised. “But, um, my pain is coming back and I’ll have to take my medication. I didn’t bring it, you know, but Dean still wants to check out that alcohol store and there’s the parade and-”

“It’s gonna be okay,” Donna put her hand on Castiel’s. “We’ll leave if you need to.”

Castiel’s brows furrowed. “But Dean-”

“Dean will be fine,” Donna said. “I’ve been watching you two the whole night and it’s obvious that he cares about you so much. Really.” she smiled. Castiel looked at Dean as he leaned against the counter. When he noticed, he waved shortly and smiled. “I wouldn’t worry about a thing.”

***

“Why can’t Meg come over instead?”

“I’ve told you,” Castiel said, putting up the list of contact phone numbers up on the refrigerator. “She has the flu and can’t even get out of bed let alone come here and babysit you. I thought you liked Courtney.”

Emmi huffed. “I do but I like Meg better. Courtney just wants to watch movies all the time.”

“Well,” Castiel looked at Emmi who still sat at the table as she finished her dinner. “We still have plenty of things to do before Christmas. Maybe you can ask her if she’d want to bake cookies. That’s always fun, right?”

“Maybe,” Emmi shrugged then took another bite. “What are you and Dean doing?”

Dean had invited him over last week over text and Castiel wore his favorite dark jeans and a Captain America t-shirt. The only difference tonight was it would be the last time they’d see each other before Dean and Sam went to Sioux Falls for the week. Castiel focused on Dean’s Christmas gift instead.

“We’re-” Castiel’s ears perked up at the sound of the doorbell and looked at Emmi as he walked out of the kitchen. “Finish your dinner.”

“Okaaay.”

Castiel left twenty minutes later after giving Courtney a short rundown and Emmi a kiss and a _‘Be good’_ while he hugged her. Emmi just stuck her tongue out as he left with his present. Castiel turned on the Christmas radio station as he drove to Dean’s condo, taking in all of the Christmas lights on the drive.

He liked to think that he and Dean had a good thing going on. Although Dean wasn’t the most romantic and it was clearly said through his tendency to choose hanging out at his place with pizza and beer than having dinner at a nice restaurant or going to a local concert, he wished that they did more things than make out, watch movies, and eat pizza.

Castiel didn’t dwell on it as he drove into Dean’s complex and parked in the driveway. He smoothed down his shirt and fixed his hair then grabbed his gift from the passenger seat and slipped out of his car. Castiel knocked on the front door three times and waited.

And waited.

And waited.

After a few minutes, he looked down at the blue and white snowflake wrapping paper around Dean’s gift as he contemplated whether or not to knock again. He lifted his closed fist to the front door when he heard Dean’s muffled voice on the other side.

“Coming, coming!” Castiel smiled at the sound and his eyes widened for a quick second when the door opened and watched as Dean caught his breath. “You’re early.”

Castiel’s brows knitted together. “No, I’m not. You said seven so here I am.”

“Right,” Dean chuckled then pursed his lips to contain his smile. Castiel frowned as Dean stayed by the door. “So, um.”

“Are you going to let me in?” Castiel asked and his frowned stayed as Dean opened and closed his mouth, trying to figure out what to say. “Did you start the new X-Files without me?” his eyes widened as Dean stayed quiet. “Is it someone else?”

Dean sighed. “Cas.”

“I can’t handle any more lies,” Castiel said. “If you met someone else, please just tell me so-”

Dean opened the front door wider then pulled Castiel in, ignoring the questions, and led him to the kitchen. “Come here.”

Castiel’s brows furrowed as his eyes closed to a squint. He took in the table that was set for two with two small lit candles in the center and a smile replaced his confusion when he saw the two hamburgers.

“Oh,”

“Yeah, it’s an early Christmas dinner, you know,” Dean said, putting his hand on Castiel’s shoulder. “I’ve been working on the best burger recipe with all natural ingredients and all that crap. The beef is certified organic and the butcher…”

Castiel’s smile stayed as Dean listed all the ingredients and a fullness grew his chest. He turned around and wrapped his arms around Dean and kissed him when he began on the vegan cheese. “I love it.”

Flushing, Dean nodded. “Just taste ‘em. I swear they’re better than In-N-Out.”

“Wow, that’s a big comparison,” Castiel said then pulled Dean to the table. “But I’m willing to try.” he didn’t say anything until they were both seated and he took a bite of his juicy lettuce wrapped burger. He groaned as his eyes closed. “Oh my god.”

“Right,” Dean smiled as Castiel opened his eyes. “Told you.”

Castiel nodded and took another bite. “You’ll have to cook these every time I come over now and I’ll bake you pies in return.”

“Awesome,” Dean said, taking a bite of his own. “I want pecan for the first one.”

Castiel just nodded and took another bite.

Dean started the conversation about work and Charlie’s new hacking challenge but it slowly faded into the newest season of Sherlock and the fact that Mumford & Sons were coming to the Valley Casino Center. Castiel teased about buying Taylor Swift tickets instead when Dean grimaced.

Apparently, she would still be better than four white guys with banjos.

It was nice to spend this time with Dean when it seemed like everything else in Castiel’s life was falling apart. When their hands slowly met as they talked, their fingers intertwining and Dean rubbing his thumb on Castiel’s, he felt focused. He was here with Dean and that’s all that mattered.

They stayed at the table long after their plates were cleared talking, teasing, and laughing. Castiel didn’t mind that Dean finally pulled him into the living room a little while later. He also didn’t argue when Dean picked _When Harry Met Sally_.

Although they tried to pick who was Sally and who was Harry, they couldn’t and decided to fall into each other’s sides instead. Castiel began kissing Dean halfway into the movie and didn’t stop until Dean asked if he wanted to upstairs.

He just shook his head and grabbed Dean’s hand.

Castiel’s heart ringed in his ears as Dean pulled him onto the bed. He stayed on Dean’s eyes as he pulled off his shirt and helped Dean with his own. Every touch from him was gentle from the way his fingers grazed his chest and back to the kisses that framed his face.

Dean grabbed a bottle of lube from his drawer and gave it to Castiel.

“You’re so beautiful,” Dean said as he watched. “You’re so beautiful, you know. I don’t tell you enough.”

Castiel shook his head as he put the bottle on the nightstand. “You’re a sap.”

Dean hummed and pulled Castiel closer.

The movements were slow as they found a rhythm and Castiel loved listening to Dean. He was so vocal in the things he loved while his hands stayed on Castiel’s thighs. He guided Castiel with moans, hums, and words of affirmation.

Castiel loved that the best.

“You’re so beautiful.”

“You’re doing so well.”

“You’re perfect, Cas.”

Castiel kissed every inch of him from his fingers, stomach, and chest while humming, “Dean, Dean, Dean.”

They helped clean each other after they finished and once Castiel walked out of the bathroom, Dean reached for his hand and pulled him into bed. He wrapped his arms around Castiel and kissed him as he rubbed his back. Dean’s first words afterward were: “Are you alright?”

Castiel knew then that he was more than alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again, friends! Thanks to all who are reading this as a WIP for waiting. Life is hectic and midterms are coming up. How fun! Anyway, comments are appreciated!


	24. Chapter 24

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Sam repeated the same mantra about fifty times but Dean was still sure that he was going to have a full blown panic attack any second now. He sat in his aisle seat with his hands holding onto the armrests for dear life and he didn’t even care that Sam teased him about how white his knuckles were.

He had other things to worry about like staying alive on the almost five-hour plane ride to Sioux Falls. Dean winced as the number rang in his ears and he swore that he’d never fly after this trip again.

Sam was the one who pushed him into buying the tickets due to the heavy snowfalls and Bobby was his always tongue-in-cheek worried that made him finally relent.

Dean felt like an idiot because of it.

Although he took as many sleeping pills as he could and tried to sleep, Sam kept talking.

“And Cas said…”

Of course, Sam kept talking.

He started talking about Jess while they went through TSA and somewhere along the way to their seats, he looped his discussion with a case at work to Castiel.

Sam talked about how Castiel seemed to be in better shape since the hearing, how he had seen him at Pilgrimage of the Heart almost three times a week now, and how they all needed together for a double date.

Dean wouldn’t budge.

Although it wasn’t as if he didn’t want to talk about Castiel, his fear kept his words in his throat and his stomach in knots. He closed his eyes to block out the sound of his brother and focus on something else. He let the lyrics of “Highway to Hell” begin in his mind and it worked until the plane shook.

Dean’s eyes opened wide with fear and he gripped onto the armrest.

“Everything is fine,” Sam put his hand on Dean’s shoulder. “Just a little bit of turbulence.”

Dean swallowed and took a deep breath as his cell phone dinged his pocket. He was so relieved when he saw the text message from Castiel.

 _10:28AM, December 22_  
_To: Dean Winchester_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--I hope your flight is going well. I know you’re nervous. Sending you good thoughts._

Dean smiled softly as he took in the photo attached to the text message of Castiel on the couch with Spoons in his lap. Emmi was next to his side with her fingers on her cheeks as she pulled them into a wide smile. Castiel told him that Emmi was on winter break for a few weeks and although he loved his daughter, he was losing time to work on his resume.

 _10:32AM, December 22_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\--Thanks, babe. You look good. I’ll text you when we land._

The text was weak, he knew, but his hands couldn’t stop shaking. He slipped the cell phone back into his pocket, breathed in, and closed his eyes again. Castiel did look good, though. He had his signature messy hair and that smirk.

It was the same one that Castiel gave him the night they had sex. Dean absolutely lost it and having sex with Castiel was almost the complete opposite of the schoolboy things that had been doing.

While Castiel was needy and clingy when they made out, he was in complete control then. If Dean thought about it hard enough, he could still easily feel Castiel’s rough hands on his sides or the etches of his spine as he ran his hands down his back.

Dean also remembered how his hands fit around Castiel’s thighs. Although he was sure that he had always known that they were thick by how snug his pants were, he still remembered the smirk Castiel gave him when he lingered on them. He never wanted to forget it.

He remembered that he wanted their first time to be special because Castiel had gone through so much in the past year. He was gentle because of it and while their rhythm matched and he kept asking if Castiel was alright, he could see that he wanted more in his eyes. Dean relented at times for Castiel to kiss and mark his neck while he praised him. The subtle look of want never left and Dean never asked about it.

Castiel never talked about it afterward either.

Dean finally fell asleep half an hour later and was more than happy when Sam woke him up and said that they had landed in Sioux Falls. He let Sam lead the way through the airport because he was still drowsy and felt claustrophobic from the large crowds. He was so ecstatic when he saw Bobby after they got their bags.

“Bobby!” Dean’s wide smile pinched his cheeks as he pulled Bobby into a hug. “It’s so great to see you.”

“You doing alright?” Bobby asked when they parted, glancing at Sam then back to Dean. “Sam told me you were biting time the entire way here. Knuckles white as the snowfall here.”

Dean’s eyes narrowed as he looked at Sam then pursed his lips when his brother smirked. “Yeah, well. We’re here. Karen back at home?”

“Yup, she’s been busy with, uh, a few projects lately,” Bobby said then pulled Sam into a hug. “Making pot roast tonight.”

Dean nodded. “Awesome.”

Sam just shook his head in amusement as he followed his brother and Bobby out of the airport.

***

Bobby Singer was a man of very few words. While he gruffed and quipped when needed, Sam filled the rest of the drive with talks of his newest case and Jess and because of this, Dean chose to text Castiel.

It started with a simple text explaining that they arrived and were headed to Bobby’s then snowballed into a full discussion about _Monty Python and The Holy Grail_. He chuckled when Castiel went on about how it was Monty Python’s best work and only looked up when he heard Bobby clear his throat.

“You alright there?” Dean caught Bobby’s eyes in the rearview mirror. “You’ve been glued to that phone from the second you got in here.”

Dean’s lips thinned, slipping his cell phone back into his pocket. “Yeah, yeah. I’m fine.”

Bobby stared at him for a moment then glanced back to the road. Dean kept his eyes on the road and joined in the conversation with brief comments for the rest of the drive.

***

The house was beautiful. It always had been since the day Dean first saw it when John took him and Sam on a “mini-vacation” to Bobby’s. Of course, John actually just needed someone to bail him out of a deal with some guy at the bar for a thousand dollars. Bobby had helped him out because Dean remembered the wad of cash his father stuck in the glove department when they left three days later.

Dean never liked to remember the details.

It was a light blue two-story with dark blue shutters and a white door. Although it looked great with twelve inches of snow as its backdrop, it almost seemed like it came straight out of a magazine in the warmer months. Karen filled the walkway leading up to the front door with an array of flowers that eventually split into flower beds that fenced the rest of the front.

Karen’s favorites were lavender, tulips, and hydrangeas. Dean only knew this because the house always had a few vases with them when they were in season. Now, though, it smelled like pot roast and pine.

It smelled like home.

Karen’s voice rang from the kitchen as they dusted the snow off of their shoes on the welcome mat. “Bobby, is that you?”

“Yup,” Bobby said. “And the boys.”

Three months later after John borrowed a thousand dollars, they showed up at the Singer’s house again for Thanksgiving then Christmas and Dean’s tenth birthday. Since then, he and Sam tried to visit at least a handful of times throughout the year.

They both had a collective twenty-or-so odd years of memories in this house and Dean never wanted to forget any of them. Karen was the one that taught him how to bake lasagna and the recipe was so good that he only served it for special occasions. Bobby was the one that sat him down for the ‘birds and the bees’ talk despite already having sex with Rhonda Hurley four times.

He still remembered when they sat him down to encourage him to go to Kansas University.

Although his mind was set on taking after his father and running the auto shop with him, they could see right past it. Dean didn’t know how to thank them for that. Of course, John wasn’t too thrilled about it but Dean thrived in college and soon afterward, he moved to San Diego after Sam.

Sometimes he wondered if his father would call him a yuppie if he saw him now. He asked Sam this a couple months after he moved to San Diego and it got a laugh out of him.

_‘If dad knew that you were the head of a marketing department at a publishing company while I worked as a lawyer, he would have our heads. He’d say we were a bunch of sellouts.’_

Dean’s smile thinned as he watched Sam shake his head before taking a drink of his beer. At least they had Karen and Bobby.

“Karen,” Dean smiled as he walked into the kitchen. He watched as she turned around from the counter and smiled then pulled him into a hug. “It’s great to see you.”

“You too, dear,” Karen rubbed his back and pulled away. “How’ve you been?”

“Pretty great.”

Karen nodded then hugged Sam. “Well, I’m glad. And your case, Sam? How’s that?”

The question launched Sam into a lengthy answer about child neglect, single-mothers, and social workers. Dean sat down at the kitchen table and tuned them out when his phone buzzed again.

Castiel finally replied to his text message about what was better: Christmas on the beach or surrounded by snow.

Apparently, Christmas in southern California won hands down.

 _6:47PM, December 22_  
_To: Dean Winchester_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--I can practically feel my bones ache at the mention of snow. No, no thank you. I’ll stay here with the palm trees._

 _6:49PM, December 22_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\--Not even for the snowball fights or making snow angels??_

 _6:51PM, December 22_  
_To: Dean Winchester_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--Definitely not the snow angels._

While Dean smirked at the reply, he sobered up when he heard Sam clearing his throat and looked up to see him and Karen looking at him. He glanced between them and took in Karen’s confused eyes. Dean pursed his lips and sat down his cell phone.

“So,” Dean stood up. “When’s the roast gonna be ready?”

Dean stayed off his cell phone for the rest of the night because he didn’t need Karen or Bobby asking him about Castiel. He was sure that if they did, Sam would tease him about his excessive texting and it would become a whole thing that would go on for hours.

If anything, Dean wanted Karen and Bobby to know as little about Castiel until they met. He also didn’t need Sam rattling off random information about Castiel either. He had it all planned out and just needed the right time for them to meet.

He carried on the dinner conversation through pot roast, green beans, mash potatoes, and pecan pie. Dean kept his attention on Karen while they washed dishes and on Bobby as they watched a movie afterward. Although it was easy pulling himself away from his cell phone and thoughts of Castiel, he slipped out his cell phone when he walked into the guest bedroom for the night.

He smiled when he saw a notification in his messaging from Castiel.

 _9:21PM, December 22_  
_To: Dean Winchester_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--Goodnight, Dean. I hope you’re enjoying your visit and I’ll do my best to text you less so you can focus on your family. Also, have fun making snow angels. ;-)_

Dean’s smile grew as he shut the door behind him and re-read the text message again before responding.

 _12:18AM, December 23_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\--Night Cas. Have fun with your siblings and Emmi. Also, I’ll make it up to you when I get back. Flowers, dinner, anything you want. Promise._

  
_***_

Dean woke up the next morning to the smell of bacon.

He stretched slowly and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes then grabbed his cell phone on the nightstand. While he scrolled through his text messages, two from Garth and one from Charlie, he heard footsteps outside his door and a subsequent knock a few moments later.

“Come in!” Dean called and set his cell phone face down on his chest. He smirked when Sam opened the door and saw his moose pajama pants. “You still have those?”

Sam’s brows furrowed then glanced down at his pajamas. “Yeah, dude, they’re comfortable. Not everyone sleeps naked.”

Dean rolled his eyes. “Don’t knock it before you try it.”

“Anyway,” Sam’s nose scrunched for a second. “Bobby is cooking breakfast. Bacon, eggs, and toast. He told me to get your ass up.”

“Of course he did.”

Sam made a broad motion to Dean. “Yeah, just make sure you have some clothes on before you come down.”

“Alright, Samantha,” Dean said. “I’ll be there in a minute.”

Dean watched as Sam nodded and closed his door, hearing his footsteps on the hardwood slowly fade. He stretched again and ran a hand through his hair before getting out of bed. Dean pulled on one of his old KU shirts, a pair of sweatpants, and brushed his teeth then headed downstairs. Sam and Karen were already at the kitchen table.

“Good morning, boy,” Bobby scrapped a helping of eggs on a plate. “Sleep okay?”

“Yeah, that bed is golden,” Dean took the plate from Bobby then took a few bacon strips. “Thanks for breakfast. Looks great.”

Bobby gruffed a reply, something along the lines of that it wasn’t any trouble, and after he made his own plate, they all sat at the table. Karen started the conversation with festive events they could do around town and it slowly transitioned to Singer’s Salvage and Sam’s newest case. Dean’s mind drifted to Castiel then and he wondered if he was awake yet. He had to be considering it was around seven-thirty already.

He realized that he could have thought about anything, really, regarding Castiel because he was only pulled out his thoughts when Sam nudged him.

“Hey, man, did you hear that?”

Dean looked away from his plate to Sam. “Hear what?”

“They’re renewing their vows,” Sam repeated. Dean’s brows knitted together and the realization hit him when his eyes took in the invitation in between him and Sam. “This is so great and I know Jess will love to come.”

The invitation was bright and cheery as it informed the recipients that they would renew their vows on May 14th of next year at a park that was a couple miles away. He also felt his heart ring in his ears when he saw the  _‘Plus One’_ checkbox at the bottom.

“And you can invite whomever you want,” Dean glanced to Karen and took in her smile as she held her coffee mug. “Maybe we can finally meet Castiel?”

Dean pursed his lips to contain his smile. “Yeah, yeah. I’ll talk to him about it.”

“Good,” Karen nodded then sipped her coffee. She slipped her hand into Bobby’s that sat on the table. “Forty years. I can’t even believe it.”

Bobby leaned into Karen and kissed her temple. “Yeah, I’m damn lucky.”

While he might have been a man of few words, Bobby was such a sap.

***

The day was filled with cooking, baking, and present wrapping. Dean even stayed in his sweat pants until Karen made him change so he could go to Walmart with her. He wasn’t expecting that she’d start a conversation about Castiel in the dairy section, though.

“So, I’m assuming things are going well between you and Castiel?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Dean said. “Things are going well.”

Karen looked up from her list and grabbed two rolls of biscuits. “And he’s treating you well?”

Dean shook his head and watched as she put the rolls in the cart. “Yeah, he’s treating me well.”

“Good,” Karen looked up and smiled. “Or I’ll send Bobby down to whoop some sense into him.”

Dean pursed his lips to contain his amusement. “God, I missed you.”

***

He woke up to a ‘Merry Christmas’ text message from Castiel and the smell of pumpkin spice and bacon. Dean was sure that he hadn’t laughed harder when he received a text message a couple hours later of Castiel, Anna, and Gabriel all in matching and ridiculous Christmas sweaters. Anna and Gabriel wore big smiles while Castiel’s expression was stone cold.

When he told Castiel that he was going to call him the grinch if he didn’t lighten up, he was just sent a similar photo of an amused Margaret and Eliza while Emmi shot the camera a death stare as they wore matching and equally ridiculous sweaters. Dean shook his head and responded with: ‘Like father, like daughter’.

He and Sam left a few days after New Years. Although the airplane ride wasn’t any better, at least Dean knew that he’d be seeing Castiel in a few days time and while loved spending his holiday in Sioux Falls with Bobby and Karen, he sighed in relief when they walked out of the terminal. He was done with five-hour plane rides and twenty-four-degree weather for at least another year.

They were greeted by a smiling Jess that pulled them both in a hug and a long kiss for Sam. Dean gave them an overdramatic expression of disgust before Jess playfully hit him while they walked to her car. He couldn’t text Castiel fast enough after they put their luggage in the trunk and slipped into the back seat.

 _11:32AM, January 5_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\--We just landed and Jess is taking us to lunch. Can’t wait to see you. :-)_

Dean smiled softly at the text message as it sent and he looked up at the front seats, Sam and Jess playfully teasing one another. Jess threw her head back as she laughed while Sam’s hand held hers as he kissed the back of it.

While Sam had chosen one his favorite all-natural and organic restaurant and Dean picked at his baked kale, he kept thinking about Castiel. He remembered that Anna and Gabriel left on the fourth so, if everything went according to plan, they were already long gone.

Castiel didn’t mention any trip, job interview, or doctor’s appointment so he had to be with friends or Emmi. He tried not think about it. It was difficult since his brother and his girlfriend were the picture perfect couple. He barely listened as Sam talked about their time in Sioux Falls or when Jess tried to egg him on about how douchey the waiters looked in their sandals and dreadlocks.

Jess nudged his shoulder. “These are the whitest people I’ve ever seen, why the hell do they dreadlocks?”

Dean’s smile was tight-lipped as he nodded then took a drink of his water.

***

He heard his cell phone ding while he was in the bathroom getting ready for bed. Dean spit out his toothpaste, rinsed his toothbrush and put it back in his cup then walked into his room, feeling his heart race against his ribcage when he picked up his cell phone. He was so happy that it was Castiel.

 _10:02PM, Jan 7_  
_To: Dean Winchester_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--:)_

Dean’s brows knitted together at the short reply. He read his text message again before looking back at Castiel’s. Although Charlie would tell him that he was looking far too into it, something didn’t feel right.

 _10:04PM, Jan 7_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\--You okay?_

He didn’t press the issue when Castiel replied twenty minutes later explaining that he was fine but he did quickly accept the offer of a double date with one of his friends he had never met. Dean shrugged as he nursed his black coffee while he replied. It could be fun.

***

Castiel walked out of his front door in dark jeans and a white button-down and Dean was sure that he was the luckiest man in town. When he told Castiel this while they drove to the restaurant, Castiel just rolled his eyes and turned on the stereo. Dean didn’t comment.

He let Castiel lead when they arrived and he followed him to a table with a woman with curly hair in an emerald dress and a shorter man with a red tie. Dean stuck his hand out for the woman and smiled when she took it.

“You must be Rebecca. I’m so glad to meet you,” Dean turned to her husband. “Your wife is a show-stopper.” he glanced to Rebecca. “And Cas told me that you were an English professor, too?”

While Dean was good at small-talk and buttering people up with compliments, it became difficult when he felt Castiel’s tension next to him. He slid his hand on his thigh while they ate appetizers and kept his smile when Castiel moved his leg away and his hand fell. Dean listened to Rebecca talk about her job at UCSD and he understood why Castiel was friends with her.

He kept to his steak as they talked about classic literature and his ears perked up when she mentioned her own fibromyalgia.

“Castiel didn’t tell you?” Rebecca took another bite of chicken. “We met at our support group. We also have dinners where we bring someone important to us. Significant others, friends, relatives. You should come to one.”

Dean nodded then turned to Castiel. “Yeah, I mean, if you want me to come.”

Castiel’s brows knitted together in confusion when he looked at Dean. “Of course I want you to come.”

“Great,” Dean smiled then looked at Rebecca. “Just tell us the time and place and we’ll be there.”

Maybe Dean should have seen it sooner and maybe he shouldn’t have seemed so taken aback when Castiel began to trail off as he spoke or when his words didn’t make sense. Rebecca and her husband, Alexander, didn’t seem fazed and Dean just waited until Castiel finished what he was saying. Dean kept his hands off of Castiel through the entire dinner only to lean into him when they were handed the check while Rebecca and Alexander went to use the restroom.

“Are you alright?”

“I’m fine.” Castiel leaned away and rubbed his shoulder. He sighed as Dean pursed his lips then took the check. “You don’t have to pay for everyone. I can-”

“Don’t worry about it,” Dean said, sliding his debit card into the card slot. “Besides, it’s not that much.” he looked at Castiel when he heard another sigh. “You can get the next one.”

Dean approached the subject again after they parted ways with Rebecca and her husband. He couldn’t help but notice how Castiel kept adjusting his position in his seat on the drive home.

“Cas,” Dean began. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine.” Castiel’s eyes stayed focused on the road and when Dean asked again, his voice grew harsh. “I’m fine, Dean. Don’t ask me again.”

Dean took a deep breath and Robert Plant’s voice was the only thing that filled the car with noise on the rest of the drive. He didn’t even comment on the fact that Castiel just slipped out when they arrived at his house without so much of a look. He watched as Castiel’s right hand trailed to his back and rubbed it as he walked to the front door.

He sighed and reversed out of the driveway. Maybe Castiel just needed time for himself.

***

Dean buried himself in work when two weeks passed and he still hadn’t heard from Castiel. Charlie checked on him when he ate lunch in his office for the third day in a row. He grunted a response as his eyes stayed glued on his computer monitor. She rolled her eyes and promised that they would catch up that night with Star Wars and burgers. When she stayed after her proclamation, Dean looked up from the screen and gave a small smile.

“Thanks, Charlie.”

“No problem, dude,” Charlie said. “I’ll see you at seven?”

Dean arrived at Charlie’s half past seven and took in the smell of bacon cheeseburgers from the kitchen. After two burgers and watching Darth Vader take Princess Leia and Chewbacca into custody, Dean opened up. Charlie stayed quiet as he disclosed that he was worried about Castiel and only hummed when he brought up Bobby and Karen’s vow renewal.

“Are you going to ask him?”

Dean shrugged. “I want to but I’m not sure if Cas would want… he’s been…”

“If he’s hurting then you should visit him,” Charlie said. “I’m sure he’d like you to be with him.”

“Yeah right,” Dean scoffed. “He… I don’t know.”

Charlie nodded. “Well, you know how I feel about it but I won’t push you.”

“Thanks,” Dean said and turned back to the television. “Maybe I’ll check on him again.”

***

When Dean finally grew the courage to text Castiel again to ask him about how he was doing, he was glad that he was invited over. He was close to cooking some soup to bring over but Castiel’s insistent proclamation that he was fine stopped him in his tracks. He decided to play it by ear.

He wasn’t surprised that Castiel took ten minutes to answer the door or that he was in a t-shirt and sweatpants. He was surprised, though, when he saw Castiel with his cane. It had been so long that he had used it that Dean forgot about the thing altogether. Dean looked up when he heard Castiel clear his throat.

“Hey,” Dean breathed out and stepped inside, closing the door behind himself. “How are you?”

Castiel took a moment to respond and when Dean looked from the door to him, he noticed that his eyes were closed and brows furrowed. He took a deep breath and opened his eyes. “I’m fine.”

Dean’s heart sunk at the words. He watched as Castiel walked slowly into the living room and sighed. “Cas, you’re not fine. Please just let-”

“Dean-”

“Just stop,” Dean said. He huffed and walked to his side. “You’re hurting. Let me help you and do something. What do you need? I can get you a heating pad.”

Castiel’s shoulders lowered when he sighed. “Fine.”

Dean smiled softly and nodded. “Alright, I’ll be right back.”

When Dean walked into the third bedroom and saw blankets and heating pads on the floor while the closet door and the shelves were open, he knew that Castiel must have had trouble getting something out. He picked up a couple heating pads and blankets, folded them, and put them away before getting a heating pad out. Castiel was already on the couch with a blanket around him when he came back.

“Alright, here you go,” Dean said. He was about to wrap it around Castiel’s shoulders when Castiel grabbed his wrist. “Do you not want it on your shoulders? I could-”

Castiel didn’t answer. “Please let me do it.”

“Okay,” Dean gave the heating pad to Castiel and watched him for a moment. “Do you need anything else? Have you eaten?”

“I’ve had an omelet and tea a few hours ago,” Castiel said as he changed the settings on his heating pad. “I can cook something if you’re hungry.”

“No, I’m good and you’re in no position to cook,” Dean said. He ignored Castiel’s short glare at the words. “I’ll cook. What do you want? Soup? Stew? Whatever you want.”

“I’m not that hungry.” Castiel pulled the blanket from his side over him. “Whatever you want.”

Dean nodded and watched Castiel close his eyes, tightening the blanket around him. He walked into the kitchen and raided the pantry and refrigerator then decided on a chicken and bean stew. He made small talk as it cooked since the television hadn’t been on and when he asked Castiel if he wanted it on, he was given a clipped ‘no’.

Dean stopped Castiel when he started getting up from the couch once the stew was finished. He carried a bowl and glass of water on a wooden food tray that he found in one of the lower cabinets and sat it on Castiel’s lap, immediately asking if he needed anything else.

Castiel shook his head and picked up the tray then sat it on the coffee table. While he went to grab his cane, Dean got it first and handed it to him. Castiel tensed up as he stood up and headed to the bathroom.

The whole night followed the same pattern. Although Dean wanted to help, hell, he needed to help, Castiel wouldn’t let him and he didn’t understand it. He hated watching Castiel struggle with mundane tasks and rub at his shoulders, back, or whatever other body part that seemed to be hurting. Castiel didn’t even respond when he asked if he had taken his medicine.

Dean slipped off the couch when Castiel turned on the television and began watching a show on HGTV. He headed into the third bedroom and started cleaning. He began organizing the closet and he was only pulled out of his concentration when he felt a warm weight on his leg. Dean glanced down and saw Spoons looking up at him with curious eyes.

“Honestly, I forgot you existed,” Dean said and smirked when Spoons cocked his head to the side then meowed. “Go see Cas, alright? I’m busy.”

Dean didn’t know if Spoons didn’t care or was too preoccupied with curiosity because he stayed the entire time and his body started noticing half an hour later. He felt like he had rubbed his nose on his wrist for the hundredth time before he heard Castiel’s voice in the doorway.

“Here’s some Zyrtec, Dean,” Castiel walked into the room and his eyes glanced at the clean floor before looking at Dean again. “I’m sure you need it.”

“Thanks,” Dean sniffed and popped a pill in his hands. Castiel didn’t comment when he swallowed it dry. “What are you doing up? You should be resting.”

Castiel brushed off the comment. “I heard you sneezing from the living room. It’s more important.”

“Yeah, well, thanks,” Dean said. “Do you want to watch a movie?”

When Castiel nodded, Dean felt his heart swell. He followed Castiel at his slow pace into the living room and shrugged the recognition about the now-cleaned room. They chose a Quentin Tarantino movie and Dean nudged Castiel awake when it was over.

“Let’s get you to bed,” Dean said as he watched Castiel yawn. He grabbed the cane and handed it to Castiel. “Here, let me help.”

Castiel pulled away as his brows furrowed. “I can do it.”

“Cas, really, I don’t think you can,” Dean said. He remembered how long it took Castiel to get to the living room and on the couch. “It won’t take long if I help you into your room and-”

“I can get to my own bed,” Castiel glared.

“Yeah, but Cas, I can-”

“I think you should leave,” Castiel said and pulled the blanket closer. “It’s getting late.”

Dean had heard this before and he knew not to push because Castiel was completely finished. He pursed his lips and straightened. “Alright, just text me when you want together.”

It seemed almost like clockwork when Castiel didn’t budge from the couch as he walked to the front door. He stopped as his hand wrapped around the doorknob to tell Castiel to lock it when he left and just like clockwork, Castiel kept quiet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, friends! I hope you enjoyed the chapter and comments are always appreciated.


	25. Chapter 25

Gabriel’s surprise visits are the worst, Castiel thought, because he never knows when to leave. 

While he knew his older brother meant well, he wasn't the most caring one out of the three of them and because of this, Castiel watched Gabriel putter around his house until he finally looked at him on the couch.

“Do you want tea?”

Castiel shook his head. “I'm fine. Just go home.”

The question sounded foreign coming from Gabriel despite the fact that his older brother had asked similar versions of the same question before. He wondered if he should have given Gabriel the benefit of the doubt for a moment until he tried again.

“Look, bro,” Gabriel sighed and walked to the couch to sit next to him. “Anna wants me to check up on you and I gotta come back with something to tell her.”

“At least you're honest,” Castiel said. “but, really, I don't know what to tell you. I'm fine. I'll get through this.”

Gabriel’s lips thinned. “You're using your cane again. Is Dean coming around?”

Sometimes Castiel wondered if Anna and Gabriel thought of him as a child now. He wondered how many text messages and phone calls were made between them in relation to him. He could imagine countless questions they could ask each other and the thought made his stomach knot.

“Yes,” Castiel said. “Dean has been by.”

Gabriel sighed in relief. “Good, good. We can watch a couple of movies and I can order in dinner. Alright? Sound good?”

Castiel nodded then watched Gabriel walk into the kitchen to find the stack of restaurant menus in one of the drawers. He turned his attention back to the television and his ears only perked up when he heard Gabriel start to order. Castiel chose the movies while Gabriel got the food when it arrived. Although they ate in silence, Castiel felt his brother’s longing to say something - anything, really.

“You know,” Castiel put down his fork. “You can say something.”

“Really? Thought you would roll your eyes and give me a snarky reply if I did.” Gabriel smiled when Castiel rolled his eyes. “See, told you.” he continued when Castiel stayed quiet. “So, it’s cool if I stay here tonight? Get some big brother bonding in?”

Castiel picked up his fork again. “Of course. I’m sure Anna will enjoy you relaying all of our time together.”

“So,” Gabriel said. “Have you heard I’m gonna start writing for Modern Family?”

Castiel watched television and ate the rest of his dinner while Gabriel told him the ins-and-outs of working with Modern Family in comparison to The Big Bang Theory. They finally called it a night when Castiel’s medication began working and he felt his pain decrease while his eyelids became heavier.

Gabriel slept in the guest room and Castiel was glad that he wasn’t asked if he needed any help. In fact, Gabriel didn’t say anything at all. It was quiet from the moment he turned off the television to when he turned off his bedroom light for the night.

The next morning was quiet and slow and Castiel missed Emmi more than ever. He had the whole week without her and in hindsight, it was better for all of them considering he was barely managing his pain. Gabriel took his mind off it during breakfast.

“So bro,” Gabriel began in between a bite of scrambled eggs. “What are you doing about the whole joblessness thing?”

Castiel’s eyes widened for a quick second then moved into a squint as his hands wrapped around his green mug full of tea. “How do you know about that?”

“Oh, please, I know everything,” Gabriel said. “I’m your big brother, after all.”

Castiel kept his eyes on Gabriel as he took in his playful smirk then glanced to the refrigerator behind him, as he collected his thoughts. He sighed when he looked at his brother again. “I don’t know.”

Gabriel arched an eyebrow. “Nothing?”

“Yes, Gabriel, I have nothing,” Castiel glared. “I can’t work in that same environment again. It’s too stressful. And… and I doubt anyone in publishing will hire me considering all of the connections that Zachariah has in the city,” Castiel’s demeanor softened. “So… I’m not sure but Balthazar can’t find out. He’d do anything-”

“I got it,” Gabriel said then took a drink of coffee. “Poor Balthy can’t know. You’ve been working on your resume, though?” he stood up when Castiel nodded. “Alright, so today we’re gonna apply for jobs.”

Gabriel grabbed his mug and headed to the living room as Castiel called after him with a frown. He was too tired to start today, his resume wasn’t finished, he wasn’t ready. Gabriel just waited on the couch.

During the course of the morning, several breaks for tea and snacks, they made their way through application after application from bookstores and libraries to a few publishing companies. Castiel huffed when Gabriel submitted the last one and took his mug from the coffee table.

“Aaaand we’re done,” Gabriel leaned back onto the couch then looked at his brother. “Wasn’t too bad, right?”

Castiel took a sip of tea. “No, not at all. I just hope someone actually offers me something.”

***

San Diego Public Library was the first job interview he received two days later. Castiel received a call from Bluestocking Books the next week and he reread the email multiple times when he received a job interview from Holden & Collins.

He hadn’t thought Gabriel actually sent out any applications to publishers and he never thought Holden & Collins would review his resume and pick his.

Castiel called Gabriel first to tell him about the offers because he was sure that Anna would love to hear about it from Gabriel.

He could easily imagine her telling their brother that he was capable of being empathetic and helping their poor disabled sibling actually get his life in order. Although he knew Anna meant well, sometimes her sentiments stung.

He dressed in his favorite suit and tie for the interview then called Dean. Castiel waited for the click as he paced around his bedroom.

Castiel smiled when he finally heard it. “Hello, Dean.”

He didn’t comment when Dean’s greeting seemed a bit off and completely forgot about it once he started on his interviews. Dean was supportive and said all the right things until he ended the call since his lunch break was over.

***

Castiel peered up at the San Diego Library after he parked and sighed. It was immaculate, grand, and beautiful and he had spent so many afternoons and evenings with Emmi here. Honestly, he was even surprised that they decided to give him an interview but he needed something. He needed a job.

The fluorescent lights were too bright and the building seemed too big as he walked in. Castiel’s hands stayed by his side although he desperately wanted to mess with his tie. He strengthened his grip on his black tote bag that held his resume and breathed in.

Castiel took the three escalators to the fourth floor and was greeted by a short, older woman at the reception desk when he arrived at the room from his email.

“Hello,” she smiled and fixed her black glasses. “And you are?”

Castiel stuck his hand out and smiled. “Yes, hi, I’m Castiel Novak. I’m here for the four o’clock interview with Gloria Peters?”

“Right, Castiel,” she looked at her computer monitor for a moment then back to him. “I’ll lead you to her office.”

Castiel followed her down the hallway and answered the few questions she had for him that seemed like small talk more than anything. He smiled when she opened the door and saw Gloria. While he walked closer and stuck out his hand, he took in her dark hair and pressed suit.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Castiel,” Gloria shook his hand. “Let’s go into the interviewing room.”

Castiel hadn’t gone to a job interview in almost fourteen years and he was nervous. He needed to say the right things, smile at the right moments, and make sure that Gloria believed he was competent.

When they arrived at the designated room, he took a seat and kept his hands in his lap while Gloria read his resume.

“So, Castiel, what makes you right for his position?”

While he and Gabriel applied for jobs, he made sure that his brother stayed with low-stress and part-time positions to help with his pain. Gabriel seemed adamant about that fact being kept a secret since employers never wanted to deal with something that could get in the way of work and Castiel knew that. It was something that even Zachariah tried to work around despite the legalities.

He was so glad when the interview was over. Gloria shook his hand as she informed that she would be in touch if he was right for the job then went back to his resume. While he stood on the escalator to the first floor, he took in the older woman at the help desk and listened to the screaming and crying toddlers near the children’s books.

Castiel shifted his attention to his cell phone when he felt the vibrations in his pocket.

 _5:21 PM, Jan 17_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\--Text me and tell me how it goes. Wishing you luck._

Castiel bit his bottom lip as he read the text message over. He glanced back to the woman at the help desk and the crying toddlers.

 _5:23 PM, Jan 17_  
_To: Dean Winchester_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--It went well, I suppose. She’ll call if I receive the position._

Dean’s text messages were similar for the other interviews for the bookstore and publishing company. Castiel felt the interview at the bookstore shift when he accidentally brought up his fibromyalgia as he answered a question.

He watched as she pursed her lips and wrote something down before asking another question. When he met with the CEO of Holden & Collins, Naomi Burns, he wasn’t surprised that she immediately brought up Zachariah.

“You know,” Naomi began as she glanced up from Castiel’s resume. “Zachariah and I have been friends for many years now. I’m surprised we haven’t met before,” Castiel smiled, opened his mouth to speak then closed it when she continued. “Zachariah also told me about your pain. How will that impact your work here?”

The rest of the interview was a complete waste of time for Castiel since it seemed like just an hour for Naomi to dig at him. Castiel left the building a little more than irritated and left Dean’s text message unanswered for three hours while he collected his thoughts.

 _7:10 PM, Jan 23_  
_To: Dean Winchester_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--It was a complete waste of time trying to have an interview with one of Zachariah’s apparent close friends. I can’t wait until tomorrow night._

Castiel’s cell phone beeped just as few moments after he sat it down.

 _7:11 PM, Jan 23_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\--Of course, my birthday is very important ;-)_

***

Castiel was a romantic. He loved flowers, gift-giving, and grand displays of affection and he was sure that it was one of the reasons why his relationship with Balthazar worked so well.

Of course, Dean loved simplicity. He didn’t need the sun, moon, and everything in between and Castiel slowly welcomed the change of pace.

It was the reason why Castiel chose The Roadhouse for Dean’s birthday dinner. They chose a booth in the back and Castiel stole fries as he ate his salad, smiling when Dean teased him about it because it was his birthday dinner after all.

“So,” Dean began around a bite of burger. “Did you like any of the places you interviewed at?”

“Not particularly, no. I’m not sure what it was but something about them didn’t feel right.” Castiel frowned as he stole another fry. “Can we talk about something else? The whole thing is stressing me out.”

Dean nodded and changed the subject. The rest of dinner was filled with discussions of movies, books, and current affairs and how Dean really thought Donald Trump seemed like a real dick.

Castiel shook his head with an amused smile as Dean took another sip of beer. Dean had always become more affectionate and smiley after a few drinks so Castiel wasn’t surprised he kept by his side during the drive back to Dean’s.

“Cas, have I told you how blue your eyes are?” Dean asked as Castiel parked in the driveway. “I could look at ‘em forever.”

“Really?” Castiel looked at Dean with a smile. “Forever is an awfully long time.”

Dean leaned his head back on his seat. “Yeah, forever. I could do it forever. What about you?”

“What about me?” Castiel brows furrowed for a moment before he realized what Dean meant. “Of course, I could, Dean,” he watched as Dean’s eyes cast downwards and quickly continued, taking his hand. “Come on, let’s go inside.”

It didn’t take long for them to walk upstairs and into Dean’s bedroom. Although Dean had initiated the first kiss and slowly moved his hands under Castiel’s shirt, something felt off. Castiel felt it in the air and cleared his throat as Dean kissed his jawline.

“Dean,” he slowly pulled away and met Dean’s eyes. “You mean so much to me, you know that?” he let Dean grunt a response and kiss him again. Castiel tried as he began pulling off Dean’s green flannel. “You’re smart and kind and so, so, so beautiful,” Castiel pulled off Dean’s Pink Floyd shirt then began kissing him as he gently pushed him down on the bed. “Have I made that clear, Dean?” he paused as looked into Dean’s eyes and waited for a response. He began again when Dean kept quiet. “Oh, Dean, I’m so sorry.”

Castiel began on his freckles that ran across the bridge of his nose and peppered his cheeks and ended with his bowlegs. Dean squirmed under him and Castiel finally grabbed the lube when he heard Dean breath out his name.

“Cas, please,” he let out a whine. “Just come on. I need you.”

“Of course,” Castiel kissed the inside of Dean’s thigh as his both of his hands stayed on either side. He looked up and smirked as Dean’s body tensed. He sat up and grabbed the lube from the nightstand drawer. “I’m coming, I’m coming.”

While Castiel stayed to praising Dean, he started to tease him when he cut off his kiss just a little too quickly for Dean’s liking. He chuckled when Dean whined because, _‘Jesus, you can’t just do that. Come back here!'_ , and took his time going back.

Castiel chose a slow rhythm when he pulled into Dean. When he kept leaving just a bit for Dean to want more, Dean started whining. Although Castiel began quieting him with kisses, he slowly began becoming louder and louder until Castiel stopped and pursed his lips to contain his smile.

“Shh,” Castiel leaned in closer and kissed the corner of Dean’s mouth. When another moan slipped out, Castiel moved to Dean’s ear and whispered, “the neighbors are going to hear us.”

He kissed down Dean’s neck and let out a low chuckle when Dean responded. “I don’t care what the neighbors say.”

Castiel finished him off fifteen minutes later and spooned him until they fell asleep. He slowly woke up to the sound of birds chirping as he was tangled around Dean the next morning. Castiel’s brows furrowed as he felt his back ache and he groaned when the realization that he forgot his medication at home hit him.

“Morning, sunshine,” Dean said and Castiel glanced up, taking in the sleepiness in his eyes. “How did you sleep?” Castiel grumbled and buried his face deeper into his pillow. He listened to Dean chuckle and pouted when was pulled away from it. Dean smiled softly and ran a hand through Castiel’s hair. “Are mornings that bad?”

Castiel pursed his lips to contain his smile for a moment before it faltered with a small laugh. “Yes. They’re awful.”

“So dramatic,” Dean said then began to kiss him. “It’s a good thing I like you.”

Castiel chuckled. “Yes, it’s a great thing.”

***

When Castiel received two job offers a few days later, he wasn’t as excited as he thought he’d be. Of course, he also assumed that maybe it was because he felt a little off that day but when three days passed and he still wasn’t excited to have gotten an available position at the library and bookstore, he declined both offers. Gabriel gasped when he told him during their phone call at the end of the week.

_“You threw away the two job offers you got. Why?”_

Castiel sighed and shrugged. He sat on his couch as he watched Emmi paint her nails at the kitchen table. “It just didn’t feel right.”

Gabriel paused for a moment. _“Would you like to come out this weekend?”_

“I have Emmi this weekend,” he smiled softly when Emmi lifted her hands to show him her blue and silver nails. “We’re going to the beach.”

_“She can come and we have a beach. Come on. It’ll be fun.”_

Castiel weighed the pros and cons. He remembered the last weekend he spent at Gabriel’s with Emmi and the memory of his brother wanting to take him to a strip club even though Emmi had gotten sick that morning. Of course, this was three years ago so maybe things would have changed.

“Emmi,” Castiel called as he pulled the cell phone away. “Would you like to go to uncle Gabe’s this weekend?’

Emmi’s eyes lit up as she smiled. “Yes!”

Castiel put the cell phone back to his ear. “We’ll be there Friday.”

_“Great. So, 4Play The Gentlemen's Club or Silver Reign?”_

“We’ll be there Friday morning,” Castiel ignored his brother and he was sure Gabriel was smirking. “And we’ll have to go to the beach sometime, okay?”

_“Yes, yes, beach. Got it. So, we can go to the strip club Friday and the beach Saturday. Got it.”_

Castiel’s mouth opened and closed when he heard the click on the other end.

***

Gabriel had managed to make quite the name for himself after graduating from the University of Illinois. He remembered how angry their parents were when his brother moved to Los Angeles to get into the entertainment business and he was sure that it was part of his inspiration to move to San Diego.

Gabriel had worked on many network shows from The Big Bang Theory and CSI: Miami to The Vampire Diaries and Undateable during his time in Los Angeles and now was a writer for Modern Family.

He had built up a considerable name for himself and he loved to show it. Castiel only wondered for a few seconds as to why Gabriel felt the need to buy a house with five bedrooms. At least Emmi loved the pool and the constant bowls of candy found in the majority of the rooms.

Castiel wasn’t surprised that Gabriel had a sucker in the side of his mouth when he opened the door that Friday morning. “Hey, kiddo, come here!”

Although Gabriel had always been a bit immature and emotionally inept, Emmi loved him. Castiel was sure it was because Gabriel was a kid at heart.

Castiel walked past Gabriel and Emmi into the house and put their bags on the floor near the coat closet. While he bent down, a nerve of pain shot from his lower back to his shoulder and he immediately straightened up as his face scrunched together.

“Emmi, I just filled the candy bowls in every room,” Gabriel said. “Different flavors. The works. Go check them out before your dad tells you no.”

Emmi giggled and ran upstairs. Gabriel cleared his throat. “You alright, bro?”

“I’m fine,” Castiel said. He turned around to look at Gabriel and his lips thinned. “Really, I’m fine.”

“Right, if you’re not hopping around with a cane then you’re fine.” Gabriel nodded and continued when Castiel glared. “Did you bring your meds?”

“Yes, I brought them. Can we go through this weekend without you constantly checking up on me?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Gabriel said. “Whatever you want.”

Castiel didn’t realize that Gabriel invited him to Los Angeles for something more than to get together until the next morning when they’re in the backyard eating breakfast while Emmi swam in the pool.

“What was wrong with the places that called you back again?”

Castiel took a bite of his eggs and looked over at Emmi for a moment. He hadn’t called the library or bookstore back and he didn’t plan to because when he got the call, something seemed off. “It just wasn’t right. Too slow, I guess. I’d like something less stressful but that was…”

“Embarrassing?” Gabriel smirked and sat his coffee mug down when Castiel’s brows furrowed. “You were an editor-in-chief for a little over a decade and it was high-stress and you were constantly moving. You can’t expect to go from that to sitting at a library with a bunch of sixty-year-old women and crying children. You deserve better than that.”

Castiel shook his head and glanced at Emmi again. “Gabriel...”

“It’s true which is why I’m hosting a party tonight,” Gabriel continued as Castiel looked at him with concerned eyes. “All my writing friends from shows are coming and some freelancers are as well. It’ll be great. Good food, good friends-”

Castiel frowned. “They’re not my friends.”

“No shit,” Gabriel rolled his eyes then looked at Castiel again, leaning into the table. “But it’ll introduce you to the writing world. Little network here and you could do anything you wanted.”

“I’m not a writer,” Castiel said as he leaned into the table, voice lowering. “And I’m sure as hell, not a television writer. I edit. I have thirteen years of experience in editing. Also, what’s Emmi going to do while you’re schmoozing with your friends?”

“You don’t have to write in television and I never said you had to. Look, I’m talking about freelancing. You could do it. You’re qualified and you could write about whatever you wanted like, I don’t know, editing or the publishing world. Anything,” Gabriel leaned back into his chair and picked up his coffee mug. “Besides, they’ll bring their kids and they can all hangout. Come on, it’ll be fun.”

Castiel paused for a moment as he watched Gabriel lift his coffee mug to his lips. “Fine. If you say so.”

***

Castiel tried to keep an open mind as Gabriel’s friends and their children arrived at his brother’s that night. He was glad that he packed Emmi a couple of nicer clothes because although Gabriel told him that his friends were down-to-earth, they were still television writers.

They were still wealthy and had the privilege to go to the Emmy’s, befriend celebrities, and take exotic vacations so he was more than a little bit concerned about making a good impression.

He smoothed down his shirt as he stood in the kitchen with the appetizers, watching Gabriel small-talk with his friends. He had always been charming. Castiel’s eyes immediately focused on the dark-haired woman in a black dress walking into the kitchen.

She smiled and stuck out her hand when they made eye contact. “Hi, you must be Castiel. Name’s Pamela Barnes.”

“Right,” Castiel took her hand and smiled. “It’s nice to meet you.”

Pamela’s brow arched. “You don’t know who I am, do you?”

“I apologize but-”

“No, no, it’s totally fine,” Pamela said. “I’m a writer of The Los Angeles Times and a friend of Gabe’s. He showed me your resume and it’s pretty impressive.” she laughed when Castiel’s brows furrowed and eyes widened. “It’s Gabe, are you surprised? I’d love to talk to you about my work if you’re interested.”

When Castiel agreed to a conversation with Pamela, although hesitant, it began a night full of discussion with writers from The San Diego Tribune to The New York Times.

He kept his gestures small and tried not to focus on his growing pain as the night ended and Gabriel’s last friend left with his son. Castiel stayed seated on the couch in the living room as Gabriel walked the man out.

“I’ll see you soon. Yeah, yeah, we gotta get together!” Gabriel laughed and closed the door. Castiel glanced at his brother when he walked back into the living room, grabbing his wine glass from the coffee table. “So, what did you think?”

“It was…” Castiel pursed his lips as he thought of the right words. “It was interesting and informative. I mean, you were right, it seems a lot better than-”

“Daddy,” Castiel looked away from Gabriel and into the hallway. Emmi was dressed in pajamas as she held Milo with tired eyes. “Are you gonna tuck me in soon?”

Castiel immediately stood up. “Of course, sweetie. Let’s do it right now. You seem tired.”

Emmi nodded and yawned as Castiel walked into the hallway. Gabriel lifted his wine glass. “Goodnight, Em.”

Castiel walked up into the guest room with Emmi and turned on the lamp on the nightstand as she crawled into the queen-sized bed. “Did you have fun tonight?”

“Yeah,” Emmi yawned, setting aside Milo to get into bed. She grabbed him again when she laid down. “Did you?”

Castiel nodded as he pulled up the comforter up to Emmi’s chest. “I did. Do you still want to go to the beach tomorrow?”

“Yeah, it’ll be fun,” Emmi’s eyes drooped. “Are you gonna feel good enough to go?”

Castiel’s brows furrowed and he took in Emmi’s soft features. “Of course, I’ll be able to go to the beach. We’ll all go. It’ll be fun.”

Emmi nodded then curled into a ball as she closed her eyes. “Okay, I just worry.”

Castiel’s heart sunk at the words. He swallowed his feelings and bent down to run his hand through Emmi’s hair. “I love you, sweetpea. Sleep well.”

Emmi hummed softly as Castiel kissed her cheek then rolled over when he stood up. He turned off the lamp then slowly closed the door when he walked out of the room. Castiel heard his heartbeat in his ears and he straightened up when Gabriel’s brows came together as he walked into the living room.

“You alright?” Gabriel drank the last sip of his wine and stood up from the couch, heading into the kitchen. “You looked freaked.”

Castiel frowned and walked to the kitchen island. “Do you think I’m a good father?”

“Oh god, here we go,” Gabriel rinsed out the glass then sat in the sink then looked at Castiel. “And why are you asking that?”

Castiel sighed. “Sometimes when I’m with Emmi I wonder. While I put her to bed, she asked if I’d feel well enough to go to the beach tomorrow. I just… I wonder if I expose her to my illness too much. She shouldn’t-”

“She shouldn’t care about your wellbeing?” Gabriel asked, brow arching. “She should be shielded away from what you go through because it’s uncomfortable? Look, I’m all about putting on a brave face and being that protector role but c’mon. She can’t be shielded of everything that isn’t picture perfect.”

Castiel’s brows furrowed. “She’s seven.”

“I’m not saying to expose her to… I don’t know, the horrors of genocide or whatever but I don’t think her knowing about your condition is exposing her to anything bad,” Gabriel said. “If anything, it’ll make her more empathetic and kinder.”

“I just worry that I can’t give her everything and can’t be that constant. Sometimes I can’t do certain things or get out of bed and other parents,” Castiel took a deep breath to steady his voice. “Balthazar. He doesn’t have to deal with that and I just… I worry.”

Gabriel sighed then pursed his lips for a moment. “You’re trying. You’re trying your hardest to be a good parent and that’s something that many can’t say. Yeah, you can’t give her everything, that’s true, but no parent can give their kid the world.”

“But-”

“But nothing,” Gabriel interrupted. “You’re too hard on yourself, man. If it isn’t a chronic condition that stops parents then it’s their job or relationship with their spouse or a hundred other different things. I know you worry but you’re doing fine. You’re a better dad than most of the guys I hang out with. Really, Emmi cares about you and you should be happy that she is rather than being a little shit and whining all the time about it.” Castiel lips thinned as Gabriel turned to open the refrigerator. “Would you like anything to eat? I have leftovers.”

Castiel watched as Gabriel took out a couple of things and never left his eyes from the refrigerator. “I’m fine but thank you.”

***

Castiel tried to keep his worrying thoughts on the back burner of his mind for the rest of the weekend. Although he focused his attention on their day at the beach and their three-hour drive back to San Diego, the incessant thoughts slowly budded back into the forefront when he dropped Emmi off back at Balthazar’s.

He should have been glad that his pain was in check throughout the entirety of the weekend and that, although he never wanted to see him, the sinking feeling in his chest whenever he saw Balthazar was slowly fading with each visit.

Castiel sighed when he shut his car door and drove out of Balthazar’s driveway after dropping Emmi off. He assumed that the fact that Gabriel’s small pep talk was more of a wake-up call than an actually needed pep talk was the reason he felt low.

Gabriel was also right. He was too hard on himself and he needed to realize that the process of feeling competent was a journey. Of course, Gabriel’s words about that were implied more than anything, he got the gist.

Castiel wanted a quick solution to his crappy feeling of self-worth. Because of that, he read books, articles, and started going to the occasional fibromyalgia meeting and it worked.

Well, most of the time. He would feel on top of the world for a stretch of a few weeks then suddenly crash the next morning. It was always worse when he couldn’t pinpoint what caused the sudden bad pain day or flare up.

While Meg told him that he needed to slow down, it was easier said than done which is why he readily agreed to see Dean that night.

Castiel spent a couple hours unpacking when he arrived home. It was a slow process as he periodically yawned and took breaks. He underestimated how tired he would be after the weekend and drive and after the fifth yawn, he decided to take a nap.

He slowly woke up a couple hours later to a ding from his cell phone. Castiel rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and yawned then grabbed his cell phone from the nightstand. A tired and lazy smile formed on his lips when he saw that it was Dean.

 _5:42 PM, Jan 31_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\--I can’t wait to see you tonight. I’ll see you around 7, right?_

He sat his cell phone done and his eyes widened when he stretched, feeling a spark of pain course through his shoulder. Castiel slowly rubbed at his shoulder and sat up, the general aches fading back into his body.

“Damn it,” Castiel huffed under his breath. He grabbed his cell phone, his fingers hurting as he typed.

 _5:44 PM, Jan 31_  
_To: Dean Winchester_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--Yes, I’ll see you then. :-)_

Castiel took a deep breath before he stood up and headed into his bathroom. He moved slowly as he got ready and mentally kicked himself for ruining his schedule to take a nap because his body seemed to go wonky after a sudden change.

He hurt.

Castiel stood up from the couch when he heard the doorbell ring, smoothing down his hair as he walked to the front door. He smiled and felt his stomach go in a hundred different directions when he saw Dean.

Although he wasn’t sure if it was a combination of the reflection of the moon and the way Dean had unbuttoned the first button his white dress shirt or something else entirely, but Dean looked relaxed and good.

“Hello, Dean,” Castiel’s smile stayed when Dean closed the gap between them and kissed him. It was gentle and Castiel eased into the other man’s lips. He let his hands fall to Dean’s waist as he pulled away. “I’ve missed you.”

Dean smiled and nodded as he pulled Castiel back in. “Yeah, yeah. I know.”

They had lost track of time and missed their reservation when Castiel pulled Dean into the house instead of back to his car for the evening. Castiel didn’t mind and he certainly didn’t care that Dean chose to suck him off before they left.

“Do you still wanna go to Trust?” Dean turned his keys in the ignition, making the Impala come to life. “I’m sure it won’t be as crowded now.”

“I could use-” Castiel cut himself off when a familiar sharp pain shot through his lower back. He winced as his body tensed. “I could-”

Dean glanced at Castiel and brows furrowed, putting his hand on Castiel’s left shoulder. “Hey, hey, you okay?”

“I…” Castiel breathed through his teeth. “I’m fine.”

“Man, you’re not fine,” Dean said. “We don’t have to go if you don’t feel well.”

Castiel waited a moment to respond. He closed his eyes, breathed in, then straightened up as he opened his eyes. He could do this. “No, no. Let’s go. I want to go.”

“Are you-”

Castiel looked at Dean, the lamps from outside casting an orange glow on his profile. “Yes, I’m sure. I want to go. I want this.”

Dean pursed his lips and his eyes stayed on Castiel’s for a moment before going back to the steering wheel.

The rest of the night followed a similar pattern as Castiel’s pain kept resurfacing and Dean kept asking if he was okay. It stilted the conversation and shifted the air around them into unspoken tension. The more Dean pulled him close, the more Castiel pushed away until the check came.

Castiel kept his hand on the table when Dean grabbed it first and watched him. He didn’t say anything when Dean pulled out his wallet and put a few bills out on the table. He did, though, when Dean began writing out the tip.

“I can get the tip,” Castiel said. He grabbed his wallet and Dean shook his head. “Dean, I… You’ve paid for the past three dates. It’s unfair.”

Dean put the pen down and grabbed his wallet. “It’s fine. I want to do it. Are you ready?”

Castiel’s eyes hardened into a glare before he pushed out his chair and headed out of the restaurant. Dean pursed his lips and walked after him, thanking their waitress when he passed her.

When he walked out into the parking lot to the Impala, he didn’t comment on the way Castiel stood next to the passenger side, waiting with his arms crossed. Dean pulled out the keys and didn’t say a word as they both slipped in.

It was unreasonably quiet as they drove out of the parking lot and onto the highway. Neither of them touched the radio or said anything for a few minutes. Dean felt like he was suffocating under the thick tension.

“So,” Dean cleared his throat. “Would you like to go back to my place or do you want me to take you home?”

Castiel kept his eyes on the passenger window. “I don’t care.”

Dean took a breath as he kept his eyes on the road. It became silent again as they passed road sign after road sign and Dean slowly increased the pressure on the gas pedal. Sam’s words echoed in his head: ‘breathe in, breathe out’.

When they came up to the exit to take to go to Castiel’s, Dean sharply merged into the lane. The sudden shift caused Castiel to bump into the car door. He winced and straightened up, rubbing at his shoulder.

“You could have made a smoother turn,” Castiel glared. He glanced at the speedometer. “Dean, you’re going eighty. You need to slow down.”

Dean pursed his lips and breathed in again. “You know, you’re hard to be around sometimes.”

“Well,” Castiel turned his eyes to the road. “Maybe if you would stop coddling me, I wouldn’t be.”

Dean’s brows furrowed. “You think I coddle you?”

“Yes,” Castiel’s voice grew cold. “Do I have to repeat myself? Every other thing out of your mouth is either: “are you okay” or “let me do it” and it’s irritating. So, you know, you’re hard to be around sometimes, too.”

“Right,” Dean nodded. “So, it’s my fault that I care about your wellbeing.”

Castiel rolled his eyes. “There’s a difference between caring and hovering. You treat me like a ticking time bomb, Dean, and if I show a little pain then you swoop in and try to fix it or complete what I’m in the middle of and you just tell me that you’ll do it. Nine times out of ten, I can do it.”

“Have you seen yourself when you’re in the middle of a flare?” Dean glanced at Castiel. “You look miserable and sometimes you can’t do it. If you can’t even walk then you can’t do much else. So, just let me do it.”

Castiel took a deep breath as he tried to compose himself. “You’re not listening. You never listen. I’m not incapable of basic physical tasks and the fact that you think you know my illness and pain more than I do is infuriating. You treat me like a child, Dean, and I’m not. I know it’s hard for you to believe that but I’m not.”

“Alright,” Dean nodded as sarcasm bled into his words. “I’ll ignore it and let you do everything, does that make you feel better? I’ll even let you be a bigger asshole to me when you don’t feel well. Would that make you happy?” Castiel rolled his eyes again. “I have a suggestion, start telling me to leave even more than you already do regardless of what we’re doing. While we’re eating dinner, watching a movie, hell, even when I’m blowing you off. It’s such a great feeling to be trying to help you and seeing you glare at me then tell me to leave.” Dean smirked as he glanced at Castiel. “You’re right, you are a ticking time bomb because I never know if you’ll be an asshole or not. At least now I know why Balthazar left.”

Castiel’s chest grew hollow at the words. He swallowed slowly and let his eyes trail to the passenger’s window. Silence engulfed the interior of the car again and neither of them said a word when Dean arrived at Castiel’s.

When Castiel opened the car door, his legs and hands felt numb. He took a deep breath and shut the door, heading to his front door.

He never looked back.


	26. Chapter 26

Dean’s words echoed through Castiel’s ears as he walked to the front door and grabbed his keys from his pants pocket.

_‘I’ll even let you be a bigger asshole to me when you don’t feel well.’_

His hands began shaking as he reached the door and took out his keys, missing the keyhole as Dean’s words echoed louder.

_‘Would that make you feel better?’_

Castiel cursed under his breath as he tried over and over and over. He felt his heart give way once the key finally met the keyhole. Castiel turned the key and pushed the door open, the dark of the entryway greeting him.

_‘At least now I realize why Balthazar left.’_

Dean’s voice stopped when he shut the door behind himself. He leaned his back on the door then flicked on the light switch to his right, watching the entryway come into sight. A heaviness stayed in his chest as he looked around, seeing that everything was right where he had left it.

Castiel’s hands slowly stopped shaking as he slipped off his shoes and walked into his bedroom. While he began unbuttoning his dress shirt, the anxiety slipped in. It stayed as he put his shirt on his bed then started on his pants. It was then that his mind started racing again.

Maybe he felt sick because Dean’s words reminded him so much of Balthazar’s. Castiel vividly remembered the decline of their relationship from the nitpicking to the name-calling. He didn’t see the signs then, how Balthazar started to push to help then stepped back from him. It was all so slow that when they insulted each other regularly, it seemed normal.

It was normal.

Maybe it was why Castiel was adamant on trying again when Balthazar showed interest after five years. He wasn’t as sick and Balthazar seemed like the same person he met in college and started a life with. Castiel walked into the bathroom and turned on the sink, looking in the mirror. He put his hand under the water as it warmed.

Balthazar was snarky, clever, and witty. He was the love of Castiel’s life.

Castiel supposed Balthazar’s personality attracted him because it reminded him of his family. He was used to intelligence, sarcasm, and distance. Balthazar was only a new face for it.

But he wasn’t in love with Balthazar anymore and Dean was different.

Dean’s kindness, humor, and warmth were both parts exciting and terrifying. Castiel wondered if it was one of the reasons why he shut Dean out so many times. He splashed a handful of water on his face then. Castiel didn’t want to think about it.

He opened the medicine cabinet and grabbed his pill organizer. Castiel turned the faucet’s right handle, letting it run cold as he picked up the plastic cup that sat on the counter. Castiel took out the two pills in the PM section then filled the cup, throwing back his head to pop them in. After washing them down with water, he went to change into pajamas for the night.

***

Castiel woke up the next morning to chirping birds and sun rays filtering through his bedroom windows. He rolled onto his back and sighed, feeling the same heaviness in his chest.

He supposed that this wasn’t something he could just shake off. Castiel was a mixture of irritated and upset and grabbing his cell phone from the nightstand to check it didn’t help either.

7:24 AM and no new messages.

Castiel frowned and sat his cell phone back down. Dean had begun to text him in the morning, it was usually a ‘good morning’ text with a few anecdotal events that happened to him the previous evening or what happened so far in his morning. He was an earlier riser and Castiel appreciated waking up to the text messages.

He sat up and rubbed at his neck, the muscles feeling tight, and stretched. He yawned then stood up from his bed and walked into the hallway to the kitchen. The small business card on the refrigerator caught his eye as he walked closer. He walked up and took it in his hand, squinting as he read it over.

While he wished he could say that he hadn’t thought about Pamela’s offer since his Los Angeles visit, he couldn’t. Castiel thought it about as he drove back to San Diego and sporadically ever since. He had heard about people switching to different areas of the field.

Gabriel’s friends in Los Angeles seemed to do it all the time. Kevin had even hinted about starting a comic book with an Asian superhero as the lead a few times and Charlie seemed to be all for it.

When the party ended, Gabriel told him that he was surprised that he hadn’t thought about it sooner. Apparently, after years of reading other people’s work, Gabriel was sure that Castiel had the ability to be a writer. Castiel just pursed his lips and kept quiet.

Now, though, he wondered if his older brother was right. Castiel put the business card on the counter then opened one of the cabinets, pulling out a box of tea bags. He took out a mug and brewed himself a cup of tea before picking the card back up and heading into his office.

Castiel turned on his laptop and took a sip of tea as he waited for it to boot up. He sat the mug to the side of it when the home screen popped up. Castiel pulled up his email and took a deep breath. He was already jobless so he had nothing to lose, right?

 **From: castiel.novak01@gmail.com**  
**To: pamela.barnes@latimes.com**  
**Subject: Interest in Offer**  
**2/1/16, 8:13AM**

**Hello, Pamela.**

**This is Castiel, Gabriel’s brother, and we talked during his get together a few days ago. I’ve considered your offer and I’m interested if it still stands. I’m available to discuss it at any time. I’m looking forward to hearing from you.**

**Cheers,**

**Castiel Novak**

He read over the email three times before he sent it. A bundle of nerves that he hadn’t experienced in years welled up in the pit of his stomach. At least he felt something now.

Castiel made his way back to the kitchen with his mug to cook breakfast. He sat his mug on the counter then grabbed a carton of eggs, milk, and a mixing bowl. When his eyes met the red mixing bowl, his mind went to Dean.

He never expected any of this with Dean. While Castiel had spent years stopping at his office and opening his front door to him, they stayed acquaintances. He never treated Dean differently because of the extra job he had and kept a cool and polite distance between them. Castiel never cared about Dean’s personal life, only offering his sympathy when Dean broke his leg during a ski accident, and never indulged in his to him.

It worked for five years.

And now Castiel couldn’t even look at a mixing bowl without thinking of him. In fact, it seemed that almost everything in his house was tied with a memory of him. Castiel put the bowl away, grabbed his mug, and leaned against the counter. When he looked at the kitchen island, the memory of him, Dean, and Emmi baking for a PTA meeting came to mind. The numerous movie marathons filled his mind when he looked into the living room.

Castiel frowned. He couldn’t look anywhere in his house without being reminded of Dean and it suffocated him. He needed to leave. Castiel set his mug in the sink and headed back into his bedroom. After he took his medicine and changed clothes, he shoved his feet in his tennis shoes and grabbed his keys then left.

He didn’t have a plan when he got into his car. Castiel ended up on the highway with his windows rolled down as Joni Mitchell’s voice surrounded the interior. The cool breeze that filtered through the windows calmed him as it ruffled his hair. He found himself at Windansea Beach sometime later.

Castiel had always loved the beach.

When he parked, he stayed in the car for a few minutes as he looked out into the water. As waves of varying sizes rolled and crashed onto the beach, he closed his eyes. The memory of the first time he and Dean came to the beach immediately filled his thoughts.

He distinctly remembered that Dean didn’t want to go. While Dean wasn’t loud or incessant with his reluctance, Castiel could feel his hesitancy radiating off of him. It took almost an hour of scavenging for seashells before Dean seemed comfortable. Castiel never pressed Dean about his resistance. The only other thing he remembered was Dean’s soft lips on his own.

Castiel opened his eyes as the song slowly faded to an end. He slipped out of the car then walked to the beach, his shoes sinking into the sand. He sat near the water and leaned backward, his arms falling to his sides.

The thoughts of Dean waxed and waned as he watched the waves and seagulls, finally taking his shoes off to dig his feet into the sand. He stood up after a few minutes and walked to the shoreline. His heart ached as he gazed out onto the water. He wished Emmi was with him because she loved the beach.

His thoughts were interrupted by his cell phone’s vibrations in his jeans. He took out his cell phone and swiped it open when he saw a text message from Rebecca.

 _11:45AM_ , _Feb 1_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Rebecca Greenberg_  
_\--Hi! I’m at Cindy’s house getting ready for tonight’s meeting. Are you still coming? Cindy is trying to get another head count._

Castiel cursed under his breath as he replied. He had been so wrapped up in thinking about Dean that he completely forgot.

 _11:47AM Feb 1_  
_To: Rebecca Greenberg_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--Yes, I’m still coming._

He welcomed the distraction.

***

Castiel left for Cindy’s around seven. His eyes widened as he saw the cars lining her driveway and the street in front of her two-story house when he got closer. He felt horrible parking in front of the house two-ways down.

He slipped out of his car and headed to the front door, putting his cell phone and keys in his jean pocket. He knocked on the front door and smiled when Cindy answered a moment later.

“Hi, I’m so glad you could make it!” Cindy stepped aside to let him in then led them to the living room. “Everyone is in the living room. There are snacks and drinks, too, just make yourself at home.”

Cindy’s house looked like it was straight out of a Home and Gardens magazine. Everything was color coordinated and the handful of nicknacks all matched the decor. It was so warm and inviting.

Castiel’s eyes focused on the group of women when they walked into the living room. He had recognized most - Amanda, Lynn, Rebecca, and Lisa - and noticed a few new faces. He took a seat next to Rebecca on the couch.

“Hey,” Rebecca smiled. She showed him her plate full of snacks. “Do you want some?”

Castiel looked at the different snacks then shook his head. “No, thank you.”

Rebecca nodded then went back to her plate. They easily transitioned into a conversation about what they had been up to since the last time they had seen each other. Amanda spoke up when Rebecca briefly mentioned they should go on a double date again.

“How is Dean, Castiel?”

Castiel turned his focus to Amanda on the other couch. She was sitting next to a new member - apparently, her name was Emily - and Castiel bit his bottom lip. Of course, he didn’t want to lie. The idea of enclosing details of the rocky patch he and Dean were going through to someone that was adamant about showcasing how terrible relationships were didn’t seem appealing either. He decided to take the middle ground.

“He’s fine,” Castiel smiled softly. “How are you?”

Amanda pursed her lips and answered quickly before moving on to a new yoga class she was taking. Castiel enjoyed spending the evening with his friends. Generally, he liked all of them even if Emily was a bit quiet and Amanda was rough around the edges. He loved being a part of a group that cared about the newest research, different medications and the idea that it was fine to vent once in awhile.

While he never vented, it was nice to listen to people with similar problems.

Lynn was in the middle of a story about her Christmas fiasco with her in-laws when Castiel’s cell phone buzzed in his pocket. His heart skipped a beat when he checked it and saw that it was an email from Pamela. He opened his email and trailed his eyes across the screen.

 **From: pamela.barnes@latimes.com**  
**To: castiel.novak01@gmail.com**  
**Subject: RE: Interest in Offer**  
**2/1/16, 8:39 PM**

**Castiel-**

**It’s so nice to hear from you! I was waiting for the email, honestly. As you know, Gabe has been talking you up to me for so long and I’m willing to set up a Skype session to discuss things. I’m available this Friday at 3:30 PM. Please respond ASAP if you’re still interested!**

**Pamela Barnes**

Rebecca nudged him when a smile grew on his lips. “What are you smiling at?”

Castiel turned to Rebecca and took in her own smile. He turned off his cell phone. “It’s nothing.”

“Really?” Rebecca quirked up a brow then looked at their friends, all in their own conversations. She looked back at him then put her hand on his. “Let’s go in the kitchen.”

The kitchen was spacious as they walked in, both stopping at the island in the middle of the room. Castiel’s eyes trailed to the superficial inspirational quote that was painted in cursive above the sink, ‘cooking is love made visible', then to Rebecca. Her eyes popped against her maroon sweater and she tucked a curl over her ear before she cleared her throat.

“So,” Rebecca began. “What’s the good news? Promise I won’t spill to Amanda.”

Castiel cracked a small smile before pursing his lips and answering. “The Los Angeles Times has offered me a spot as a writer.”

“Oh my god,” Rebecca smiled, her eyes crinkling. “That’s amazing. Did they specify what area?”

Castiel shook his head. “No, it’s all in the beginning stages. I haven’t been hired but… it’s still exciting.”

Rebecca nodded. “It is. Have you told Dean?”

Something Castiel always admired about Rebecca was her empathy. She was sensitive, soft-spoken and kind and he was sure that those qualities helped him easily enclose the private aspects of his life to her. Meg had been the only one he willingly shared them with until he met her.

They moved to the round kitchen table. Rebecca’s eyes stayed on him as he explained everything from the offer from The Los Angeles Times to his argument with Dean. When he finished, he was met with Rebecca’s concerned eyes. She sighed then began in a quiet voice.

“Thank you for telling me,” she said with a sad smile. “And I’m so excited for what’s to come with The LA Times but you need to apologize to Dean.”

Castiel’s brows furrowed as he leaned in closer so no one could hear. “He told me that he understood why Balthazar left me.”

“He’s burned out,” Rebecca’s lips thinned when Castiel’s frown stayed. “It’s typical in a caretaker role, however, big the role is, and regardless if you like it or not, it sounds like he has been taking care of you to some extent,” she paused and smiled. “It reminds me of the first couple years with Alexander. I used to boss him around and feel fine with it because I felt terrible. I didn’t think about him at all. I’d just push him away.”

“I don’t see how this is supposed to make me feel better.”

Rebecca chuckled. “Because it’s not. I get how you feel. It’s horrible what we have to go through but you can’t push him away countless times and expect him not to snap at some point. He’s only human. What if you were in his shoes?”

Castiel sighed then looked over Rebecca’s head and out the window. After a moment he looked back at her. “I suppose you’re right. I’ve been stressed and having multiple small flares in a row. It’s just an automatic reaction.”

“I understand,” Rebecca said. “I’ve been there and it did a number on my relationship with Alexander. He basically told me that my illnesses didn’t give me permission to be a bitch,” she laughed. “Harsh but true. I’m happy that he told me that.”

“Dean bottles things up,” Castiel said. “He wouldn’t tell me that. But his words still stung.”

Rebecca nodded. “I know but I think the ball is in your court with this one.”

Castiel frowned. “I hate sports metaphors.”

The get together slowly came to an end as people migrated out of Cindy’s home in waves. Castiel and Rebecca left at half past nine and while they walked to their cars, Rebecca kept the conversation light. She wished him the best when she got to her car then hugged him. Castiel appreciated that she didn’t ask to be filled in about his discussion with Dean. He was sure he was still going to tell her what happened.

When he walked to his Prius, watching the headlights flash on as he unlocked it, he pulled out his cell phone. He swallowed hard when he slipped in and scrolled to get to Dean’s contact. He could do this.

 _9:40PM, Feb 1_  
_To: Dean Winchester_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--Hello, Dean. Can we talk?_

Castiel bit his lip as he reread the text message as it sent. He wasn’t that great with emotions. He hoped that Dean would understand.

***

It had been four days and Castiel hadn’t heard from Dean.

The good news was that his Skype session with Pamela Barnes went so well that he was offered a second interview at The Los Angeles Times office. He was packing for a two-day visit to Gabriel’s and planned a dinner with Emmi before he left. She chose the restaurant, Waypoint Public, and Castiel packed his last button down shirt before zipping his suitcase.

He picked up his cell phone from the side of his suitcase and checked his messages again. No new messages. He frowned when he scrolled to Dean’s contact and read the message he sent last Tuesday. Castiel pursed his lips as he stared at the white screen, thumbs hovering over the keyboard as he wondered if he should send another text.

 _6:02PM, Feb 5_  
_To: Dean Winchester_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--I’m headed to Los Angeles for an interview with The Los Angeles Times. The first interview went well so I’m hoping for the best. I hope you’re doing well._

He slipped his cell phone back into his pocket then went to grab his shoes and keys. The drive to Balthazar’s was peaceful and he stayed in the car as he waited for Emmi. A smile immediately broke out on his face when Emmi walked out of the front door. She smiled back at him as she walked up to the car and got into the backseat.

Castiel turned around in his seat to see her. “Are you ready for dinner?”

“Yeah, I’m gonna get the grilled cheese and tomato soup,” Emmi said before her brows furrowed. “Did I tell you what Mrs. Langton did during social studies?”

“I don’t think you did,” Castiel said. He turned back to the steering wheel and began backing out of the driveway. “You tell me on the way to the restaurant.”

Emmi filled the drive with conversations about school and finally transitioned to her friends when they arrived at the restaurant. The dinner was nice and Castiel brought up Emmi’s birthday as they finished their meals.

“Do you know what you want to do for your birthday?”

Emmi nodded as she chewed a bite of her grilled cheese. She replied after she swallowed. “I wanna have a sleepover with all my friends. With pizza and movies.”

“I think I can do that,”

“You can invite Dean, too,” Emmi said. “So you don’t get lonely being the only boy.”

“I think I’ll be alright,” Castiel said. “Maybe Meg would like to come.”

Emmi nodded as her eyes lit up. “Ooh yeah, she could bring all her nail polish!”

Castiel’s spirits lifted as the dinner came to an end and conversation drifted away from Dean. While he drove Emmi back to Balthazar’s, he promised he would buy her a small gift during his two-day trip. He walked Emmi to the front door when they arrived and hugged her when Balthazar opened the door. Castiel pressed a kiss to her cheek then watched as she walked into the house.

He didn’t even mind talking to Balthazar.

***

Castiel pulled at his tie for the third time as he waited in the lobby of The Los Angeles Times. He was twenty minutes early for his interview and his stomach was in knots. He tried to combat it by looking at the pieces of artwork on the walls.

The walls were dark and the artwork was calming. It was helpful to an extent. He tried to think about the large globe he saw when he walked into the building. He almost reached for his cell phone to check it until the receptionist, Whitney from her nametag, walked up to him.

“Castiel Novak, Mr. Maharaj is ready to see you now,” Whitney smiled. She watched him stand up then led the way out of the lobby. Whitney turned to look at him as he fixed his tie. “Nervous?”

“Yes,” Castiel admitted, pulling his hands away from his tie. “But I assume it’s to be expected since I’m interviewing for one of the best newspapers in the country.”

Whitney’s smile stayed as they stopped at the office doors. “I wish you the best.”

Castiel nodded then watched as she opened the door. He took a deep breath and walked into the office. The first thing he noticed was that the office was bigger than Zachariah’s. It was modern, clean, and the back wall was ceiling-to-floor windows that looked straight out into the city.

When Davan stood up, Castiel immediately took in his square black rimmed glasses, tailored suit, and all of the facts he read about him before the interview. He had been with The Times for twenty-six years and started as an intern in 1989. In 2005, one of his works earned him and a peer the Ernie Pyle Award for Human Interest Writing and inspired readers to donate tens of thousands of dollars to aid agencies working in Africa.

He held a political science degree from the University of Tennessee and a master’s degree in law from Yale. Castiel quickly learned that he was smarter and more successful than he’d probably ever be.

Castiel smiled and stuck out his right hand. “It’s so nice to finally meet you, Mr. Maharaj.”

“And the same to you,” Davan smiled and took his hand. “Pamela and the others have been raving about you. Have a seat and we can talk.” Castiel nodded and retracted his hand then sat down. He fought the urge to tug at his tie and kept his hands together in his lap. “Pamela told me that you were the editor-in-chief for a successful publishing company in San Diego for thirteen years.”

Castiel spent an hour with Davan. After his nerves settled, they talked about their experience, skills, and what the company had to offer. He couldn’t help but be surprised when Davan didn’t seem phased about his fibromyalgia and seemed willing to work with it. Castiel was shown around the offices after the interview.

“Of course, you don’t necessarily need an office,” Davan said as they walked down the hall. He stopped at an office and opened the white door. “But you would need to come in for some meetings so this would be yours.”

Castiel’s eyes widened as he looked into the office. It was twice as large as his Goldenwoods office and the ceiling-to-floor windows on the back wall looked out onto the city. His heart beat quicker at the prospect of having all of this as his own.

“This is great,” Castiel said.

“I’m glad you like it,” Davan said. “Now, let’s meet the other writers.”

Castiel left the office two hours later. He felt like he was walking on air as he walked to his car and his positive mood stayed until he took out his cell phone from his pants pocket. He wanted to tell Dean. He looked at the previous unanswered messages he sent him then went to Gabriel’s message thread.

 _6:21PM Feb 8_  
_To: Gabriel Novak_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--The interview is finished and it went well. I’ll hear back in two days if I got the job._

He looked at Dean’s message thread one more time before he started driving. He hoped that Dean was doing alright. Castiel unlocked his car, slipped in, and tried not to think of Dean on the drive back to Gabriel’s.

Castiel tried to be annoyed when he was greeted with a smiling Gabriel and a bottle of champagne when he arrived at his brother’s. Gabriel stood in the entry way with a smile and a champagne glass in either hand.

“Why do you have two glasses?” Castiel asked. “I don’t drink.”

Gabriel’s smile stayed. “And that just means more for me! Come on, bro. This is huge. You’re going to work for The Times! Let’s celebrate!”

Castiel pursed his lips for a moment before he smiled. “I don’t know if I’m working for them yet.”

“Yeah, alright,” Gabriel rolled his eyes and took a drink from the glass in his right hand. “But I’m still celebrating. Come on, let’s order something for dinner.”

The rest of the night was filled with Thai food and Gabriel’s bad jokes. When they called it a night, Castiel checked his cell phone once more before he went to bed. He would be leaving Los Angeles in the morning.

Gabriel was in high spirits the following morning as he walked Castiel out. When they stopped at the car, Gabriel pulled him into a hug and Castiel nodded when his brother told him to tell Dean ‘hi’. He told Gabriel he would and waved him off when his brother started mentioning his medication.

“I’m fine,” Castiel said then softened when Gabriel’s brows furrowed. “But thank you for everything. I’ll call you if I get the job.”

Gabriel rolled his eyes then hugged him again. Castiel gave a small wave after he reversed out of the driveway and drove out of the neighborhood.

Normally, the drive back to San Diego was a little over two hours. Castiel looked at his iPhone that was hooked onto the mount holder on his dashboard. According to Google Maps, it would take three hours and eight minutes to get home. He sighed as he looked at all the small yellow circles with black exclamation points. There had to be at least a dozen accidents.

Although he tried to focus on the current Beatles song, Strawberry Fields Forever, he couldn’t stop thinking about Rebecca’s words. They were harsh. At least, as harsh as Rebecca could make her words but he needed them. After the first hour and a half of the drive, Castiel realized she was right.

Several memories of him pushing Dean away when he didn’t feel well ran through his mind. He remembered he was always so angry, so irritated about the fact that Dean tried helping him. His brows furrowed in disgust when he remembered the glares, the short-handed comments, and dismissive attitude. He was such an asshole.

When the revelation hit him, his brows relaxed and his heart sunk. Dean’s distance and sudden outburst made so much more sense. He wondered why Dean still put up with him and if he had always been this way. He needed to apologize.

Castiel turned up the volume of the stereo and thought of Dean for the rest of the drive. It was only eleven when he arrived home. He grabbed his bag and unpacked, staring at his cell phone on his dresser as he did. Dean was still at work so he went through the rest of his day until six rolled around.

He stared at Dean’s contact as he sat at the kitchen table. The brightness of the screen teased him and he couldn’t even eat his dinner that sat on the island. He bit his bottom lip and called Dean. He heard his heartbeat in his ears after every ring.

_“Hey, this is Dean. For some reason or another, I can’t answer at the moment. Leave me your name and number and I’ll get back to you when I can.”_

His stomach twisted as he listened to Dean’s voice. It was low, warm, and inviting. He cleared his throat when he heard the beep.

“It's me. Well, I guess I don't have the right to say, it's me, anymore. I'm no longer that person, I guess. So it's Castiel. Novak,” Castiel said. “I want to apologize for how I’ve treated you because I’ve been needlessly cruel for so long. You don’t and didn’t deserve any of it. I should have let you helped me. I’m so sorry, Dean. I should have given you the appreciation and love you deserved. You deserve so much more and I’m so sorry,” Castiel’s breath caught in his throat and he took a deep breath to steady himself. “Anyway, I should go. I shouldn’t leave this all on your voicemail. But I hope you’re well and I… I miss you.”

Castiel ended the call, put his cell phone on the table then placed his head in his hands. His eyes trailed to his cell phone and it was still teasing him. He pushed himself out of the chair then grabbed his dinner off the island to head into the living room for the evening. He must have fallen asleep because he woke up to his cell phone vibrating on the kitchen table and a rerun of an HGTV show on the television.

His brows furrowed as he gathered his bearings. He stretched then grabbed his cell phone from the coffee tables, feeling suddenly awake as his eyes trailed the screen.

 _8:30PM, Feb 9_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\--I miss you too._  
_\--Even though your voicemail was pretty cheesy. It was nice. I needed it._  
_\--We need to talk, though. When are you free?_

Castiel read the multiple text messages then replied.

 _8:32PM, Feb 9_  
_To: Dean Winchester_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--I’m free now._

Castiel reread his text message as it sent and watched as gray bubbles popped on the screen.

 _8:33PM, Feb 9_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\--I’m at home if you want to come over._

 _8:34PM, Feb 9_  
_To: Dean Winchester_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--Of course. I’ll be there soon._

Castiel parked a few parking spaces down from Baby when he arrived at Dean’s complex. He looked at himself in the sun visor and ran a hand through his hair before he got out. Although the phrase ‘we need to talk’ was vague and tended on leaning towards a breakup, Castiel tried to think positively.

Dean said he missed him, after all.

Castiel knocked on Dean’s front door and waited, shifting on the balls on his feet. When the door opened, he took in Dean’s gray henley and sweatpants. He pursed his lips for a moment to contain his nervous smile.

“Hello, Dean.”

“Hey, Cas,” Dean breathed out then stepped aside. “You want anything to drink?”

Castiel shook his head. “No, I’m fine. But thank you.”

Dean nodded once then walked to the living room, Castiel following behind. He wondered for a split second where to sit when Dean sat on one of the couches.

“You know,” Dean said, a small smile forming. “You can still sit next to me.”

“Right,” Castiel walked to the couch and sat next to him. “I just don’t know where we stand so I was unsure.”

“Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that,” Dean said. He looked away for a second and licked his lips. Castiel felt his stomach twist and braced himself for the inevitable. He sighed when he looked at Castiel. “I’ve been thinking about us and I want to apologize,” Castiel’s eyes widened for a split second before Dean continued. “You’re right in the fact that I have been treating you differently. Um, coddling you like you said. I hover and all that. But man, you gotta understand,” he smiled softly as he looked down at his hands. He looked back at Castiel again. “I’ve been taking care of Sam for years, you know, and… my dad. So it’s hard to get out of that mindset. And I’m sorry.”

“Dean,” Castiel began, locking his eyes on Dean’s. “I accept your apology but you were trying to help. I’m not used to anyone, except Meg, helping me. I’ve been trying to learn to balance accepting help and being independent. I was an ass. I am an asshole.”

Dean chuckled. “It’s charming.”

“I’m trying to be serious,” Castiel said with a smile. Dean nodded and sobered up, a small smile still on his lips. "Respect is what I want. It’s important to both of us, I believe, and I’m trying to not let my pain affect my mood. But I’m difficult and I apologize,” Castiel’s voice quickened as his mind raced with thoughts. “If we continue this, I want you to know that although I’m trying, sometimes I will be rude. I also need to tell you that I’ll probably bring a heating pad here because you don’t have any. And I prefer your cooking. I think we both do, right? I’m so forgetful and my pain isn’t going away, Dean, ever, so if you can’t deal with that-”

Castiel abruptly stopped when Dean’s lips met his. His eyes suddenly widened and as Dean continued, cupping his face, he closed his eyes and curled into it. He took a deep breath and looked into Dean’s green eyes when they parted.

“I love you, Cas,” Dean smiled. “I’m not going anywhere.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like the update and comments/kudos are always appreciated. :-)


	27. Chapter 27

The beginning of spring was Dean’s favorite time of year. He loved how the coldness of winter fell by the wayside while the cool breeze of spring took its place as flowers and trees began to bloom, giving the world an abundance of color to admire. The grass slowly regained its color and vibrancy as the snow melted. People even seemed to get nicer as the weather warmed. Of course, these observations only came from his years of living in Kansas.

Now, living in San Diego, seasons blended into a blur that easily escaped him if it wasn’t for the constant stream of meetings he had to log into his calendar. The redness in Castiel’s eyes, brought on by spring allergies, was a giveaway, also.

It had been a rough transition since Castiel earned and accepted the position as the editor of the medicine and science section at The Los Angeles Times. They threw a small party at Dean’s and Castiel was relieved that everyone seemed to like Rebecca. After transitioning into the position and going into the office occasionally, Castiel informed Dean that he needed someone to babysit Emmi when Meg and Balthazar couldn’t.

He was more than willing to babysit her. He enjoyed listening to her stories from school while they played. It was how he ended up on the floor, under a fort that he and Emmi made, FaceTiming Castiel before he left the office that evening.

“Well, I’m finished for the day,” Castiel said as he sat at his desk. The windows behind him showcased the city lights that scattered the night sky. “I’ll be home around seven-thirty,” his eyes trailed from the screen for a few moments as clicking began. He stood up and looked back at the screen, a small smile forming. “It looks like you two are having fun, though.”

“We made this fort!” Emmi smiled. Her long curls laid out on the floor as she scooted closer to Dean to get a better look at the screen. “Dean said we could have dinner under it!”

Castiel nodded. He grabbed his black tote bag and slung it over his shoulder. He sat the cell phone down on his desk as he plugged his headphones in then put each ear bud in before heading out of his office. “And what’s for dinner?”

“Garlic parmesan crusted salmon with asparagus,” Dean said. He smiled when Castiel’s tired eyes lit up. After babysitting Emmi a few times, they realized that it would make more sense for Dean to make a grocery list for Castiel while he still cooked the majority of it. “It won’t take long to cook so we made this fort.”

“I see,” Castiel sniffed. He looked away from the screen and smiled as he said goodbye to some colleagues. When he looked back, his right hand reached up to rub his nose. “I’m excited to see it.”

Emmi smiled again. “I can show you it now!”

Dean gave Castiel a small smile before he handed Emmi the cell phone and watched as she worked it with ease. He watched her for a few moments as she explained why she used the blankets she did, _‘the yellow blanket is on top because it’s supposed to be the sun’_ and _‘yeah, dad, we needed to use both of the couches'_ before crawling out of it.

He took a seat on the sofa and turned on the television before Emmi came by again after a few moments, handing him back the cell phone.

Dean watched Castiel walk out the building. The combination of the night sky and the orange glow from the lamp posts both illuminated and hardened the lines on his face. “So, I’ll see you soon?”

“Yes, I’ll see you soon,” Castiel nodded again as he walked to the parking garage. He smiled softly before continuing. “I love you.”

A smile spread across Dean’s lips. “I love you, too. Drive safe.”

“Of course,” Castiel said. He looked away from the screen for a moment as he looked into the distance. “I’m getting close to my car,” he looked back at Dean. “I’ll see you when I get home.”

Dean watched as the screen faded into black while the words, ‘call ended’ displayed as it beeped. He turned to Emmi and watched as she laid in her fort with Spoons coming to join her. He could get used to this.

When he heard the door unlock, he was pulling out the pan from the oven two hours later. Dean set it on the stove then turned as he heard Emmi’s happy voice and two pairs of footsteps walking into the living room. He smiled as Castiel came into view and sat his tote bag down.

“Dinner’s ready,” Dean said, walking up to him. He immediately took in the redness in his eyes and the bags underneath. “How was work?”

“Tiring,” Castiel sighed. “The meetings are all finished, though, and I shouldn’t have to go in for another month,” his demeanor brightened as he turned to the kitchen. “Dinner smells good, though. How was your day?”

They decided to forgo conversation until they made their plates and headed to the fort. Although it was tight and Emmi’s head was the only one that didn't touch the top of it, Castiel started the conversation as he leaned against the couch. Dean watched as Castiel and Emmi played off each other and while Castiel seemed tired as if the almost constant stream of yawns weren’t anything to go by, he stayed engaged.

Dean took another sip of his beer, thankfully Castiel started buying some without question a few weeks ago, then put the bottle down. Emmi left a few minutes before, cleaning her space then went to play, and now it was just them. He should be used to Castiel’s quietness, and usually, he is, but he needed to say something. Castiel looked absolutely wrecked.

His suit jacket and tie were disregarded a few minutes after he arrived home. He unbuttoned the first two buttons of his dress shirt and his hair was disheveled. Dean watched him take another sip of his water before he cleared his throat.

“How are you feeling?” he braced himself for the inevitable, a version of a dismissal that he heard before, but he was a bit caught off guard when Castiel gave him a frown. “You look tired and I’m worried about you.”

After their discussion a month before, they were trying to be more open in their communication. It had been hard. Dean didn’t want to come off too overprotective and it seemed Castiel was trying his best to curb his snarkiness. He saw it when Castiel pursed his lips before he responded.

“You don’t need to worry about me,” Castiel smiled softly. He ran a hand through his hair again and Dean lost count of how many times he’d done it. “I’m tired and my back hurts. I don’t feel very well,” he moved his left hand toward Dean’s and intertwined their fingers. “But thank you for caring. I’m glad you’re here.”

Dean felt the warmth of Castiel’s hand and unlocked their fingers then began rubbing his hand with his thumb. Castiel’s hands were soft, they always had been, and it was a stark contrast from his chapped lips. While he wanted to help Castiel, he had learned the hard way to stay to the side until needed. He took in his clear blue eyes and nodded.

“I could take down the fort so you can relax on one of the couches. I could get you a heating pad, too,” Dean said. “I also need to wash the dishes.”

Castiel’s brows furrowed. The idea of keeping to the sidelines until needed was easier said than done for Dean. While he was constantly checking himself and hoping he wasn’t overreaching, it was easier to fall back into the habit. It was a work in progress. “I’d prefer if you relaxed with me. I’ll tell Emmi you're taking down the fort then change into something more comfortable and get a heating pad.”

“Yeah, alright,” Dean said, keeping his thumb in the circular motion of Castiel’s hand. “I like the sound of that.”

Castiel smiled then squeezed his hand. When he leaned in and kissed him, Dean played off his slow rhythm. He quickly learned that Castiel was a good kisser. He easily remembered being with people that immediately stuffed their tongue down his throat or that one girl that moaned during the worst times. Of course, it could be a turn on in the right situations. He didn’t believe that extended into making out and moaning near the children’s section of the local library where she worked.

The first thing Dean noticed was that Castiel tasted like mint. His lips always moved slowly at first then faster and faster until they were both in the same rhythm and oh god, it was so good. Dean sometimes wondered how Castiel got to be such a good kisser and would break it off if he felt himself get carried away. Castiel just smirked afterward.

Dean caught his breath when he pulled away. “So, I’ll see you in a few?”

“Yes, Dean,” Castiel said, his voice steady. “I’ll be back shortly.”

Castiel squeezed his hand three times before crawling out of the fort. Dean grabbed his own plate and headed into the kitchen to put it in the sink. After spending evenings at Castiel’s, he knew the routine. Castiel would change clothes as Emmi got ready for bed then tell her goodnight before she went to sleep.

While he had heard Castiel’s low voice reading or singing to Emmi on different occasions, he kept in the living room during this because it seemed like a special moment between the two. He took down the fort, folded the blankets, then moved the couches back to where they were. He sat the blankets down on the couch adjacent to the television.

He sat on the couch that faced the television and flipped through channels until he heard footsteps coming from the hallway. He looked over to see Castiel in a thin t-shirt and pajama pants with a heating pad in his left hand.

“I didn’t find anything to watch yet,” Dean said as Castiel walked to the couch. “I was waiting for you.”

Castiel hummed as he sat down. “Of course.”

Dean grabbed the remote again as Castiel wrapped the heating pad around his waist. He loved these evenings the most. After spending two weeks apart, Castiel adjusting to his position while Dean started on the newest marketing project for two up-and-coming authors, they realized that getting together at one of their houses was easier than finding time to go out.

He sunk into the couch and flipped through the channels until they decided to rent Birdman on pay-per-view. Castiel scooted closer to him as he wrapped his arm around Castiel’s shoulders. They made quiet comments throughout the movie and Dean smiled softly whenever one of his comments made Castiel laugh.

It was deep as it rumbled in his throat, making a smile spread to his lips and eyes crinkle. Like almost everything regarding Castiel, it was subdued. Castiel pursed his lips in amusement then made a comment of his own. Dean liked these moments the most.

As the movie progressed, Dean felt Castiel’s head fall onto his chest and noticed the heaviness in his eyes when he glanced at him. When he heard soft snores coming from his side, he peered down to see Castiel asleep. He looked back at the television and let him sleep until the movie finished.

Dean grabbed the remote to his right and turned the television off when the movie ended. He cleared his throat then looked down at Castiel, whispering as he rubbed his shoulder. “Hey Cas, the movie’s over.”

Castiel’s brows knitted as his eyes slowly opened. “Hm?”

“The movie is over,” Dean smiled as Castiel looked up at him. “Thought we could go to bed.”

Castiel nodded as his eyes closed for a moment, head falling back onto Dean. He breathed in then opened his eyes again. “You should stay over. There’s Zyrtec in the bathroom.”

“Yeah,” Dean said as he took in Castiel’s tired eyes. “I will.”

Castiel rubbed a hand across his face as he straightened. He grabbed his heating pad, stood up, then padded down the hallway. Dean folded the blanket and set it on the couch then followed him. He took off his shirt when he walked into the bedroom, the bathroom light cast a small gleam of light into the bedroom. He walked into the bathroom and grabbed the bottle of Zyrtec as Castiel took his medicine.

“I don’t have a spare toothbrush you can use,” Castiel said after he swallowed his pills and sat the plastic cup down. “I apologize for not buying one yet.”

“There’s no reason to apologize, Cas. It’s okay,” Dean watched as Castiel pursed his lips and took out his own toothbrush. “I’ll bring one next time.”

Castiel hummed as he put toothpaste on the brush then turned on the faucet again to wet the bristles. “I know. I just like to be prepared.”

“You worry too much,” Dean said as Castiel turned off the faucet then started to brush his teeth. He rattled the Zyrtec bottle with a smirk. “Besides, this is probably twice as helpful.”

Castiel rolled his eyes in amusement. “Of course.”

Dean slipped into bed after Castiel, hearing Spoons small meows from the other side of the door. He pulled up the comforter as Castiel turned off his bedside lamp. He tensed for a moment then relaxed when Castiel’s side met his own.

Castiel put his chin on Dean’s shoulder and wrapped his arms around him. “Goodnight, Dean.”

His voice was low and rough. Dean’s eyes fell as Castiel cuddled closer. “Night Cas.”

Dean used to spend Saturday mornings in bed and if he was being honest, he’d spend most of the day lounging in his pajamas. Now, he usually spent a handful of weekend mornings at Castiel’s. Currently, he sat at the kitchen table eating breakfast with Emmi as Castiel worked on the San Diego Tribune’s daily crossword. He took a drink of his coffee as Castiel’s brows furrowed.

“Dean,” Castiel kept his eyes on the newspaper as he tapped his pen on the table. “Apparently, Van Morrison had an album and the last word in it was ‘weeks’. Do you know what it is?”

“Let me see,” Dean said. Castiel handed him the newspaper. He pursed his lips as he looked at the crossword, eyes trailing Castiel’s neat handwriting. “Astral. You’re not a fan of him?”

Castiel shrugged as Dean gave it back. “I haven’t really listened to his music.”

“Who’s Van Morrison?” Emmi asked over her cereal.

“This needs to change. He’s a classic.” Dean said then bent forward to catch a sneeze in his hand. His eyes watered as he sniffed then sneezed again. “Ugh, I need a tissue.”

Dean walked into the bathroom and grabbed a wad of toilet paper. He rubbed at his nose as he looked into the mirror, taking in his irritated eyes.

“If Spoons is bothering you, you don’t have to stay.” Dean looked to his right and saw Castiel at the door frame. He walked into the bathroom and brows furrowed when he walked closer. “Your eyes are red. Did you take medicine?” he frowned when Dean nodded. His eyes brightened again a moment later. “I forgot to tell you, my support group is having a couples' get-together at Cindy’s tonight. Would you want to go? Of course, we don’t have to.”

Dean watched Castiel’s eyes softened. It was quick and he was sure if he didn’t know Castiel’s small mannerisms, he would have missed it. Although Castiel was more-or-less private about his support group, Dean knew it meant a lot to him. Rebecca had become one of Castiel’s closest friends and confidants and spent many of their conversations talking about her. While he hadn't told Castiel this, he thought the support group was one of the best things that happened to him.

“I’ll come,” Dean said. “I’ll pick you up tonight even. It’ll be fun.”

Castiel smiled softly. “I’m sure you’ll love it.”

***

Dean heard his cell phone ding as he slipped on his shirt in front of his dresser that evening. He left Castiel’s a short while after their talk and spent the afternoon washing his clothes and taking a shower to rid himself of cat dander. Castiel texted him a couple hours later suggesting they get together at his place instead in the future. Dean rebutted with just trying a stronger allergy medication.

They were supposed to arrive at Cindy’s around six-thirty and Dean was almost ready. He let his hands fall to his sides when he finished and grabbed his cell phone on his dresser. It was Sam.

 _6:10 PM, March 10_  
_To: Dean Winchester_  
_From: Sam Winchester_  
_\--Have you sent your rsvp to Bobby and Karen’s ceremony yet?_  
_\--Karen and Bobby have been asking me about it. I sent mine two weeks ago._  
_\--Are you bringing Cas?_

Dean rolled his eyes as he read the multiple text messages. Sam had always been more anxious between the both of them. The invitation was still under a KU magnet on his refrigerator and he hadn’t give it much thought.

Of course, he was going to attend but he hadn’t thought about the prospect of bringing Castiel. After a string of miscommunication and learning how to balance the give-and-take, their relationship was finally in a good place again. Dean wanted Castiel to meet Karen and Bobby. Of course, he wanted Castiel to meet them.

 _6:12 PM, March 10_  
_To: Sam Winchester_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\--I haven’t sent it yet. I’ll send it tomorrow._

Dean swiped out of Sam’s text thread and went to Castiel’s.

 _6:13 PM, March 10_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\--Hey, I’m about to leave my place. I’ll be there soon._

Dean closed his cell phone then looked back into the mirror on his dresser, taking in Castiel’s favorite flannel of his, blue, pink, and purple, with a navy t-shirt. It was a suitable look to meet his friends in, right? He wondered if Castiel had the same thoughts when he met his friends at the bowling alley all those months ago.

When he arrived at Castiel’s, he parked in the driveway then messaged him. He turned down his stereo as Castiel walked out of the front door, locked it, and headed to the Impala. He chuckled when Castiel realized Bob Dylan was playing, his brows furrowing for a moment before smiling.

“I know this might be the third or fourth time,” Castiel turned the volume up. “But I can’t believe you’re listening to Bob Dylan. Do you know what this song is?” he pursed his lips to contain his smile as his face straightened in mock-seriousness. “Come on, Dean, it’s a classic. You’re really telling me you’ve never heard of ‘Masters of War’?”

Dean shook his head. “Sorry, can't say I have. I made a couple more mixtapes, though. They're in the shoe box.”

Castiel’s brows furrowed again as he grabbed the shoebox in the backseat. Dean reversed out of the driveway while Castiel skimmed through the mix tapes.

“This is incredible,” Castiel said. “and you even have Lou Reed.”

Dean glanced at Castiel and smiled. Of course, he had Lou Reed. He had spent a weekend making mix tapes of Castiel’s favorite bands and labeling them respectively with duct tape and sharpie.

“Yeah, thought we could change it up every now and then,” Dean said. “I'm glad you like it.”

Castiel nodded then grabbed a mix tape from the shoebox. “I love it. Can I?”

“Yeah,” Dean glanced at Castiel as he changed the mix tapes. “Change it to whatever you like.”

Paul Simon’s voice and the smooth rhythm of a guitar filled the interior of the car a few moments later. Dean glanced at Castiel again and watched him mouth the words as he tapped his fingers on his knee.

He began humming the tune and smiled when Castiel looked at him, brows furrowing in confusion. Dean turned to the road and sang.

“We'd like to know a little bit about you for our files, we'd like to help you learn to help yourself, look around you all you see are sympathetic eyes!”

Dean kept his eyes on the road and his smile grew again when he heard Castiel’s low voice join.

“And here's to you, Mrs. Robinson, Jesus loves you more than you will know, wo wo wo, God bless you, please, Mrs. Robinson…”

Dean grabbed Castiel’s left hand and put in his lap, intertwining their fingers. He squeezed it three times as he listened to Castiel’s voice. He knew Castiel was self-conscious about it, a fact he learned when he asked Castiel why he never sang in the car.

_“I can’t sing, Dean. My older brother, Michael, said it reminded him of a dying horse plenty of times growing up.”_

It was the first and last time Castiel brought up one of his sibling’s that he didn't talk to in conversation. Dean wondered if the other nine were that needlessly cruel.

When they arrived at Cindy’s, Dean parked down the street a few houses down and let Castiel lead. He listened as Castiel went on about Cindy and the other women in the group. Apparently, he hadn't met any of their spouses either.

He watched as Castiel knocked on the door and took in the blonde woman who answered. She smiled at Castiel and embraced him in a hug before she did the same with him. He introduced himself and braced for the night ahead. Castiel introduced him to the women in their group while they met their spouses. Cindy was kind and welcoming and Margaret reminded him of Jody. They were nice enough. He nodded softly when Castiel introduced him to Amanda.

Dean extended his hand. “It's nice to meet you.”

It was true. Castiel had talked about her for long enough that he was more than a bit curious to meet her. She eyed him for a second before extending her own. Although Amanda was single, she wanted to come to the meeting anyway. Apparently, she was more than thrilled to meet people’s spouses.

“I think we're going to play taboo and other games,” Amanda tightened her grip on her glass. “I'm tired so I'm not sure if I'll participate. You get that, right?”

Dean’s brows furrowed for a second. “Yeah, I understand. I'm sure it'll just be as fun watching.”

Amanda hummed then eyed Castiel before walking away. Castiel didn't seem fazed when he turned to him.

“I told you,” Castiel said. “She doesn't trust anyone without chronic pain and has frequently told most of us how our relationships are going to end soon enough. It's disheartening.” he continued when Dean hummed. “But you like everyone else, right? If you want to play taboo, we can create a team with Rebecca and Alexander.”

“Yeah, Cas, everyone’s great,” Dean said. “Tonight will be fun.”

Castiel was nervous. Dean easily saw it as Castiel rambled. He stayed by Castiel’s side as the night progressed and made a plate of snacks before their game of taboo started. He walked out of the kitchen with two plates and sat next to him on the couch.

Dean sat the plates on the coffee table and watched as Amanda read the rules aloud from the packet.

“Players take turns as the "giver," who attempts to prompt his or her teammates to guess as many keywords as possible in the allotted time…” They split into two teams: Castiel, Dean, Rebecca, and Alexander on one while Cindy, Tom, Margaret, and Ed were on the other. Amanda was the referee. She looked away from the packet when she was finished. “Do you have any questions before we start and which team wants to go first?”

Cindy looked at Castiel. “You can all go first.”

Dean would be lying if he said he had played the game recently. While he played it a handful of times with Lisa and their friends, it was years ago. He watched Castiel stand up and grab a card, Amanda flipping over the timer.

Castiel’s eyes widened for a moment then looked at Dean. “Oh, uh, you need to drink this in the morning.”

Dean’s brows furrowed. “Coffee?”

“Yes!” Castiel smiled, putting the card down and picking up another. “Okay, um, it's a bug I like. Yellow and black.”

Dean thought for a second then his eyes widened. “Bee!”

Castiel smiled again then grabbed another card. “Okay, this is…”

Surprisingly, he and Castiel were great at taboo. In fact, neither of them gave Rebecca and Alexander a chance to contribute because they were completely in sync without another. Dean found himself blurting out the answer if Castiel gave them a chance and he thought they were taking too long. When their team won, Rebecca quickly admitted they were the reason they did.

“You guys were incredible,” Rebecca said as they sat in the living room. “And I thought we were good.”

Castiel glanced at Dean. “It was the first time I've ever played. It was fun.”

“Yeah, it was really fun,” Dean said. He looked over at Amanda who was walking into the kitchen. “Do you want anything to drink? I’m going to get some more food.” he headed into the kitchen when Castiel shook his head. When he walked into the kitchen, he saw Amanda grabbing a brownie to put on her plate. “I’m glad I’m not the only one eating those. I think I’ve already had four.”

Amanda looked up from her plate and rolled her eyes softly at him. It was a start. “I can’t live on celery and carrots with honey mustard like the rest of them.”

“I don’t blame you,” Dean said. He walked to the kitchen island and began putting guacamole and tortilla chips on his plate. “Have you tried the sweet potato fries? Cas loves ‘em.”

“I bet he does,” Amanda grabbed the bag of sea salt popcorn. “So, how are you guys? You’ve been dating for a while, right?”

Castiel’s warnings began in his mind and he easily remembered Amanda’s hesitancy when they met. “Yeah, almost six months. Things are good.”

“That’s nice,” Amanda said as she closed the popcorn bag. “Are you celebrating? If he feels well enough, you should. I’ve heard a lot of Spoonies have trouble with lasting relationships because people just don’t understand,” she looked him in the eyes then. “But I’m sure you’re not like that, right?”

“No, I’m not and I…,” Dean’s eyes hardened for a second then relaxed. He grabbed his plate. “I hope you like the brownies.”

Dean turned around and walked out of the kitchen, swallowing his pride and impulsive thought. He took a bite of a tortilla chip as he joined Castiel on the couch.

The rest of the evening was filled with discussions about the intersection of relationships and chronic illness as they all sat in the living room. Dean would be lying if he said he thought about what the other couples brought up. Since their charged argument, Dean knew that he wanted their relationship to change. He knew he needed space when needed and found Castiel’s boundaries more than once.

It was comforting to hear other perspectives and he was surprised when Castiel chimed in at the end.

“I actually think it’s funny you brought that up,” Castiel said. “We had a point in our relationship, we’re still dealing with it, but I think there’s such a fine line between being overly confident when you’re dealing with the pain and too helpful that can easily slide into pitying when you’re the other person watching your partner go through it.” he glanced at Dean. “It’s difficult to articulate to someone who’s never dealt with something like this and say that, yeah, I’m a capable person but I also need you to know that I need accommodations. I think some people just ignore it all together or are too overprotective.”

Amanda cleared her throat. “What do you think, Dean?”

Dean glanced over at Amanda as she sipped her tea. “Um, I agree with Cas. I also think, though, that it’s easy to burn out. At least for me because, um, I was overly helpful when we first met and for a while, you know. I definitely think it could have gone into pitying but I think I burned out before that happened. Now, we’re trying to find a happy medium but yeah, burn out and the balance is what I struggle with the most.”

In most settings, Dean wouldn’t be so upfront about his feelings, especially with people he just met. He spent months keeping his thoughts to himself and it seemed like, after his burnout, he was finished with it. Besides, being surrounded by people that understood was nice. It was overtly obvious as to why Castiel loved this group.

They left at half-past nine when Castiel told Dean that his pain was increasing. After they said their goodbyes, Dean led the way to the car, hand slipping into Castiel’s.

“Tonight was fun,” Dean said when they reached the Impala. “I’m glad I finally got to meet them.”

Castiel opened the passenger door. “It was fun. They usually have one of those meetings a few times a year and we could always get together with them whenever.”

“I’d like that,” Dean said, slipping into the driver’s seat.

Castiel chose another mixtape as they drove home, this time it was The Beatles, and Sam’s texts slipped back to the front of his mind as they drove. He needed to ask Castiel. Dean hated the creeping worrying thought of ‘what if’, so when they arrived at Castiel’s, he stopped waiting.

“So,” Dean put the Impala into park and looked at Castiel. He took in his full blue eyes and wondered why he was nervous. “Karen and Bobby are renewing their vows in May and I got an invitation, obviously, and I wondered if you wanted to go. It’s in Sioux Falls.”

Dean expected a reaction, maybe widening fearful eyes that signaled things were moving too fast or a look of disgust. Castiel, though, seemed calm.

“Of course, Dean,” Castiel’s said, his voice steady and eyes sure. “I’d love to. I know how important your family is to you.”

Dean smiled, eyes crinkling. “You’re the best.”

***

The next morning, Dean waited at the kitchen counter as his coffee brewed. His eyes trailed to the refrigerator and to the invitation. He grabbed it from under the KU magnet and opened it.

Dean read the neat cursive again then looked at the RSVP at the bottom. He grabbed a pen a moment later and checked the _‘plus one’_ box. A comforting warmth spread through him. When his coffee was finished, he poured himself a mug and called Bobby.

_“Karen was worried you weren’t going to come.”_

Dean’s brows furrowed. After a bit of small talk and filling each other in about what was new from their last phone conversation, Dean told him that he was coming. He could tell from Bobby’s voice that he was more than a bit relieved.

“I was always going to come,” Dean said then took a sip from his coffee. “Also, Cas is coming. I’ll send out the invitation tomorrow before work.”

 _“We can’t wait to meet him,”_ his voice was gruff on the other end. _“Have you booked your flight?”_

Dean chuckled. “No.”

_“Still afraid of flying? It’s only a five-hour flight.”_

The number sent a chill down Dean’s spine and he took his cell phone off his ear. He went to Google Maps and checked the distance between San Diego and Sioux Falls.

Dean put his cell phone back to his ear. “And it’s a day’s drive.”

Bobby huffed. _“Whatever gets you here, kid.”_

Dean nursed his coffee as the talked and made his way to the living room couch while Bobby went on to talking about a new employee. He missed these talks and they were getting few and far between as time past. It was the reason why he considered moving back to Sioux Falls a few times.

When he ended the call, he took in the opened Google Maps app again and the squiggly line that went with it. He wondered if Castiel would be up to it. Dean took another sip of his coffee then put his mug on the coffee table.

 _9:49 AM, March 11_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\--Hey, you up for a road trip?_

Dean watched as gray bubbles began on Castiel’s end, chuckling at the incoming text message.

 _9:50 AM, March 11_  
_To: Dean Winchester_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\-- :O !_


	28. Chapter 28

Castiel worked at Goldenwoods from June 12, 2002, to December 18, 2015.

He began as a bright-eyed copy editor and finished as the editor-in-chief. Of course, it wasn’t his first publishing job, his memories at odd jobs around the city for the first few years after graduating reminded him of that, but Goldenwoods changed his life.

The statement might have been overdramatic to the average person. While his years at the small publishing company hadn’t made him very well known in the publishing world or earn him a well-endowed salary, he refined his skills and met an incredible group of people.

From Garth and Chuck’s warm welcome to the friendship with Hannah that slowly grew full of dry humor. Charlie also had a certain spark which easily took him out his shell and his budding friendship with Donna surprised him the most. He remembered first meeting her and thinking she was too excitable, too affectionate, too much. Now, though, she was one of his closest friends.

Of course, then there was Dean.

Castiel could tell almost anyone about the countless ways Dean had positively affected his life from helping with his child custody case to just treating him like a person when so many people before hadn’t. While he thought about it often, mostly during insomnia nights, it didn't seem to make sense to talk about it to his new colleagues. He barely knew them.

He was rarely in the office and coupled with the fact of only having the job for a month, he hadn’t made that many friends at The Times. Although some of his colleagues greeted him in the mornings or invited him to join them to a restaurant during lunch breaks, it felt superficial.

Castiel tried not to let it get to him.

It had only been a month and people were busy, much busier than during his time at Goldenwoods, and it was normal. He’d gotten to know Marcus and Brenda, two writers from their section, and they were nice. They even invited him out for drinks a few times but he usually declined because of his pain levels. He quickly realized he was in the weird limbo stage of friendship with them.

Maybe he should finally accept their offers. It could be fun.

While he dealt with becoming comfortable in the office, he also noticed the unpredictable changes in his pain levels. He assumed it was from the stresses of the job and traveling in traffic back and forth. He found himself more often than not changing sitting positions as he worked at his desk or rubbing his back as he waited for the elevator. Brenda offered her sympathies when she asked him about it.

Castiel gave her a smile and insisted he was fine. He was, really, and it seemed the unpredictable pain levels always evened out in time. Regardless, he still felt alone.

It was why he spent most of his lunch breaks in his office on the phone with Meg and although it was usually a great distraction from the mundane every day, sometimes it backfired. He didn’t get a word in edgewise for twenty minutes when he mentioned the road trip to Sioux Falls.

 _“A twenty-five-hour car ride? And they say chivalry is dead,”_ Castiel rolled his eyes as he pictured her smirk. _“Clarence, you know I only say this because I love you but I doubt your body could handle that.”_

Castiel’s brows furrowed. “It’ll be fine. Dean is planning it all out. I trust him.”

 _“You have a lot of trust in him, don’t you? It’s adorable,"_  Castiel huffed then opened his mouth before Meg cut him off. _“So, you’re going to meet his family? You’re going full domestic on this trip?”_

“I think it’ll be fine,” Castiel said. “Besides, he’s already told me a lot about them.”

Castiel had learned countless things about Dean’s family from the small tidbits he shared throughout their time together. Although he and Sam weren’t biologically related to either Bobby or Karen, Dean considered them the closest family he had.

He remembered Dean going on and on about the abundance of flowers that lined their blue house and all of the desserts Karen had made him and Sam through the years. He also knew Bobby owned Singer Salvage Yard while Karen taught at the local middle school. Dean’s smile crinkled his eyes as he talked about it and Castiel couldn’t help but do the same.

It seemed peaceful.

Castiel stayed quiet about his upbringing. While he told Dean about his siblings and he had met Gabriel and Anna, he still kept quiet about other things.

Dean’s childhood was the opposite of his own. His father was a corporate lawyer while his mother was a psychiatrist and his siblings were more focused on themselves than anything that resembled a sibling relationship. He spent many dinners with the nanny, Amelia, as a child.

Amelia was kind. Castiel easily remembered her laugh, the smell of homemade banana bread she’d bake every Friday, and how she’d play The Beatles on his father’s record player when his parents were out. While he never told anyone this, the memories of their nanny spending time with him when no one else did were the highlights of his childhood.

He missed her when she was inevitably let go when he and his siblings were deemed old enough to take care of themselves.

Although Castiel hadn’t been to his childhood home since his family cut him off all those years ago, he still clearly remembered it. The brick home was a spacious and grand two-story with a beautiful chandelier in the entryway. Castiel spent most afternoons in the warmer months outside in the backyard practicing his dribblings while he stayed cooped up in his room with books during winter.

A crucifix hung on top of his bedroom’s doorway while he stashed a picture or two of Leonardo DiCaprio under his bed. His childhood was filled with Catholicism, books, and through all of it, one distinct memory shined the brightest. He was alone.

Although Castiel said he was excited about the trip, he had a small worrying thought in the back of his mind about all the terrible ‘what-if’s’ that could happen. He kept his mouth shut, though, because he knew Meg would eat it up.

_“Are you nervous?”_

“No,” Castiel answered without missing a beat. “I’m looking forward to it.”

He spent his lunch break this afternoon with an article he was currently editing pulled up on half of his screen with Google Maps pulled up next to it. Castiel pierced another forkful of salad as he looked at the travel distance from San Diego to Sioux Falls. Seventeen hundred miles and twenty-five hours.

The routes split into two in the middle of Utah and Dean already hinted at stopping in Colorado because of the Rocky Mountains. He told Meg two weeks ago that he wasn’t nervous and he wasn’t, really, he was excited to finally meet Bobby and Karen but the idea of sitting in Dean’s cramped car for hours seemed less appealing.

Although Dean insisted that he had everything under control because he was planning it all, Castiel wondered at what scope he understood the challenges of this. It would be fine, he said, and he didn’t need to worry about a thing. Castiel also wondered if Dean took in account of the frequent stops to stretch or all the supplies that he would inevitably have to bring along.

He knew Dean wanted to prolong the drive to see a few sights along the way. He held his tongue when he read Dean’s text message about it and promised himself he’d keep an open mind until he went to Dean’s to hear his plan. When a small ding rang on his computer monitor, notifying him of a new email, he took his eyes off of the map and turned his attention to it. He needed to stop worrying and trust Dean.

Castiel sighed as he read the email about an upcoming project, something about a group of people heading to D.C. to cover the election. He still needed to tell Dean that he needed to work during their trip.

His left hand traveled to his lower back as he exited out of Google Maps then started replying to the email. Things would be fine.

***

Dean finished his planning on Friday and invited Castiel over that weekend to hear it. While the nerves were still settled inside of him, he was more willing to hear him out when he mentioned he was cooking them dinner, also. Castiel arrived that Saturday night and was greeted by a smiling Dean in a yellow apron.

Castiel smiled softly as he took in the words ‘Best ~~Cock~~ Cook Coming Through’ on it. “Where did you get that?”

“This?” Dean asked with furrowed brows as Castiel walked into the entryway. He looked down and smiled, glancing at Castiel again. “Right. Ash, a friend from college, gave it to me as a gag gift one Christmas. You like it?”

“It isn’t wrong,” Castiel said. “On both accounts.”

Dean’s smile broke into a chuckle, nodding for a second. “The burgers are almost done. Thought we could eat and talk about the trip.”

Castiel nodded and followed Dean into the kitchen, taking in the smell of the burgers cooking on the stove and his laptop on the kitchen table. It was evident that he already had a few tabs and documents pulled up. Castiel tried to stay optimistic as Dean finished cooking, filling him in on recent events at Goldenwoods, before making their way to the kitchen table to eat.

“So, I made this timesheet,” Dean said as they sat down. He pulled the laptop closer and angled it for Castiel to see. “I thought we could leave in early in the morning and then… well, you can read it.”

Castiel nodded softly as Dean took a bite of his burger while he read the document. It had a detailed itinerary of the time they left, apparently, Dean decided on seven in the morning, to when they arrived at Sioux Falls, apparently at nine in the morning a few days later. Castiel also noticed the bullet points of various sites that he assumed Dean wanted to visit.

The first stop was the Grand Canyon. Apparently, Dean wanted to book a motel and spend the day there before heading back on their drive. Although Castiel had never seen the Grand Canyon, it didn’t seem possible. He was sure the bed at the motel wouldn’t be great and the eight-hour drive would exhaust him. It would just take at least three days to do it.

Castiel’s brows furrowed as he looked at the next stop. Richfield, Utah.

“Alright, here me out,” Dean sat his burger down. “Thought it could be a rest stop or something. It’s a small town. About seven thousand and all the pictures of it look beautiful. But there’s this restaurant, Little Wonder, and Stephen King ate there. I don’t know. I thought it’d be cool.”

“Right,” Castiel said. “It could be fun.”

“Yeah, Glenwood Springs in Colorado is the next stop,” Dean said, pointing at the bullet point. “There’s this scenic twelve-mile canyon along the Colorado River. Then there’s the Rocky Mountains. Wouldn’t that be awesome?”

Castiel turned his attention from the screen to Dean, taking in his enthusiasm and smile. He looked so happy. Castiel glanced at the screen to Dean again then frowned.

“Dean,” Castiel sighed. “I don’t think I can do all of this.” he continued when Dean’s brows furrowed. “I mean, I want to, of course, but realistically… I can barely handle the two-hour drive to and from Los Angeles. I can’t sit in a car for hours then visit a site for a few hours and go back to our drive.” a pool of guilt filled his conscious. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault. I should have thought…” Dean’s voice softened as he glanced at the screen then to Castiel. “I didn’t think. Maybe we can…”

Castiel put his right hand on Dean’s, quickly taking in the warmth. “We could work out the kinks together. I also need to tell you about all the things I need to bring anyway.”

“Alright,” Dean said, picking up his burger and taking a bite. “What were you thinking?”

This was how Castiel spent his Saturday night and although they nearly had to start from the ground up again, it was almost therapeutic to be so open with Dean. The struggle to be open and honest about these things regarding his health hadn’t been easy. It wasn’t due to anything Dean had done but of his own outdated views.

Some mornings when he woke up with a stiff neck or shooting pain in his knees, the strong feelings of worthlessness easily slid into his thoughts. He didn’t deserve his job or joint custody of Emmi and he surely didn’t deserve Dean. If he put some ice on his joints, he’d be fine. He didn’t need help.

Because of these thoughts, he retreated. He pushed himself to be self-sufficient until he reached his breaking point and had to ask for help. Meg called it unhealthy. While it was, he never stopped to think about it until Dean reached his own threshold and Rebecca spoke to him about it.

Now, he realized talking about it on a regular basis was the best strategy to prevent those feelings. When they finished around eight that evening, Castiel was content with the new itinerary. His eyes trailed down the document and chuckled at the only site they agreed to visit.

“Are you sure you want to see Little Wonder that badly?”

“What, are you kidding me?” Dean turned from the kitchen sink, rinsing their plates. “Diner food and knowing Stephen King ate there? Cujo still freaks me out.”

“I’ve never read it,” Castiel said, his eyes still on the document. They agreed on stopping to stretch every two hours. “But I’ve never been a fan of horror,” he looked from the bullet points to their stopping point for the first day. Denver Colorado. He was sure that Dean could make the drive in a day. “Are you sure you-”

“Hey, don’t worry,” Dean said, walking to the kitchen table and leaning into the crook of Castiel’s neck. His voice was warm and low. “I want to do this, alright? I’ll book the hotel tonight.” Dean kissed his cheek then asked, “Do you see anything that needs fixing?”

Castiel sighed, feeling the tension ease in his shoulders. “No, it’s fine. I’ll… I’ll have to work some during the trip.”

“Oh,” Dean swallowed and Castiel tried not to overthink the response. “Alright.”

Dean stood up after that and headed back to the sink. Castiel’s eyes trailed to the list of supplies they needed to take.

** Necessities: **

  * Medication (pain medication and allergy medication)
  * Blankets (2)
  * Heating Pads (2)
  * Thermacare Heat Wrap (lower back & hip, neck, wrist & shoulder)
  * Neck pillow
  * Cane
  * Yoga mat
  * Snacks and water bottle
  * Laptop
  * Good music!



It’s a necessity, Dean said when he typed the last bullet point, we got to have twenty-five or so hours of good music to listen to. Castiel cracked a smile then exited out of the tab. He hoped he had enough energy to make it through.

***

“I’ve been to South Dakota,” Donna said, a bowl of popcorn in her lap. “It’s great.”

Jody’s brows furrowed from the chair adjacent to the couch. “Really?”

“Oh, you betcha,” Donna smiled then turned to Castiel. “My great-aunt lived there with her husband and her kids. Used to spend a few weeks every summer at her farm. It’s peaceful and beautiful. Sioux Falls, you said?” Castiel nodded. “I think you’ll love it.”

Two months had passed and their trip to Sioux Falls was in less than a week. Castiel decided to spend his last Saturday night in San Diego at Donna’s with Jody. His pain levels were even and Donna had an endless supply of gluten-free snacks and a good taste in movies.

The three of them had been camped out in her apartment living room, full of blankets, books about feminism, and little nicknacks, and were watching Gone Girl. Although Castiel was more comfortable with Donna due to knowing her better, Jody was friendly.

He also noticed how well she and Donna meshed. While he hadn’t met two friends who were so in-sync, they never made him feel like a third wheel.

Castiel dug his hands into the gray blanket that laid on top of him, immediately feeling the softness of it. “I’m excited. Nervous but excited.”

Donna’s apartment was homey and Castiel appreciated that. Photo frames of family and friends hung on the walls or sat on the fireplace mantle. He gravitated towards the dark green couch and read some of the inspirational quotes on the throw pillows, _‘Never Give Up’_ and _‘Believe and You Shall Succeed’_ just to name a couple when he sat down.

He also noticed the dog bed by the fireplace. She mentioned that she tended to foster dogs on occasion and when he asked if she was ever going to adopt one, she went on about finally doing it this year.

“I met Bobby a couple times when he and Karen have visited,” Jody said. “He’s a little rough around the edges but great. And if anything goes wrong, you have our numbers.”

“Oh, I love family,” Donna smiled, her eyes crinkling. “Don’t be surprised if they give you some casseroles to bring home.”

Castiel’s brows scrunched in confusion. “It’s a twenty-five-hour car-ride.”

“It’s midwestern hospitality,” Jody said. “My mother-in-law used to do it constantly. They’ll at least give you some recipes.”

Castiel nodded slowly then smiled softly. “Guess I shouldn’t mention that I’m almost useless in the kitchen.”

“Karen will teach you,” Jody said, glancing at the television then to Donna. “Pass me the popcorn. This is my favorite part.”

Donna grabbed a handful of popcorn then passed the bowl to Castiel. He took a few pieces then gave the rest to Jody. She smiled for a moment then turned to the television. Castiel munched on his popcorn as he turned his attention back to the television, also, already wondering when they could all get together again.

They called it a night around ten after the movie. Donna walked them out then gave him a soft and short hug while she engulfed Jody in one of her bear hugs. She watched them walk down the stairs to the parking lot and waved before they slipped into Jody’s car.

***

Dean stayed over the night before they left for Sioux Falls. When he brought it up as they made their plans, he explained it would be easier for both of them. Castiel didn’t need a reason. He was just happy that Dean seemed to be thinking of these things.

“So, everything is packed and in the trunk,” Dean said as he walked into the bedroom. “The alarm is set for six and the coffee maker is already programmed to brew ten minutes before. How’s your pain?”

Castiel leaned against his elbows in bed, clad in a t-shirt and shorts. It was a similar outfit he’d wear on the trip and a pair of sweatpants he’d change into in the morning were already folded on the top of his dresser. “It’s about a three.”

A smile formed on Dean’s lips as he walked to the bed. “Wow, really?”

“Yeah,” Castiel nodded then pulled Dean onto the bed. “Come here.” he began to kiss Dean, soft and steady, then pulled away, looking into Dean’s green eyes. “It’s been so long so I thought…”

It had been because in between new projects at Goldenwoods that kept Dean in the office and Castiel transition into his new job while dealing with erratic pain levels, it never seemed like the right time. Now, the night before their trip, it seemed like the best time. Dean nodded quickly before leaning back into Castiel.

Dean helped Castiel slip out of his clothes, continuously asking him if he was alright. After the fourth time, Castiel took his face in his hands and looked into his eyes. “You talk too much, Dean.”

“I…” Dean began until he was cut off by Castiel’s lips.

It was rougher this time. While Castiel wasn’t completely sure if Dean meant to grip harder and thrust a little faster, he wasn’t complaining. He was sure by Dean’s desperate moans that grew in intensity as they went meant something. At least he knew Dean wanted this.

“Castiel, I’m gonna-” Dean pushed his head further into his pillow with closed eyes, the navy pillowcase was almost a stark contrast to his dirty blond hair. “Castiel. Castiel, Castiel.”

His name came out in labored breaths as if the words were stuck in his throat then tumbled out with the rhythm. Castiel closed his eyes as he listened to Dean repeat his name again, again, and again. His heart rang against his ribcage as they went. It sent a shudder down his spine and a comforting warmth through his body.

“Castiel-”

Dean’s voice strained and Castiel heard a small sigh as he felt the release on his chest. He came a few moments later, appreciating Dean’s grip on his cock.

Castiel’s breath stayed haggard as he slowly opened his eyes, taking in Dean in front of him. He was content, Castiel could see it from the soft smile on his lips, and he took one last deep breath before saying, “I love you.”

It was almost commonplace now. After completion, they both would stay there, looking at each other with soft and content eyes, until Dean would say it. Sometimes it was a whisper and sometimes it caught in his throat then came out rough and choppy.

Castiel smiled at the words and leaned down, pressing his lips on Dean's before whisper, low and sweet. “I love you too, Dean.”

Dean’s hummed to himself as Castiel rolled off of Dean and onto his back into bed. He curled into Dean most times afterward, whether it was simply to hold his hand or feel his side next to his, and he loved it.

“I’m gonna get a towel,” Dean said into Castiel’s dark hair. “Clean ourselves up then sleep. Big day tomorrow.”

Castiel stayed quiet, only a soft nod before Dean kissed his temple then slipped out of bed. These times were comforting when it was only them in his bedroom. Castiel watched Dean walk out of the bathroom with a towel in hand, the bedside lamp the only light on. It hardened the features of Dean’s face, making him look older than he was.

“How’s your back?” Dean asked as he climbed into bed, straddling Castiel. He began cleaning his chest. “Wasn't too rough?”

Castiel shook his head. “It’s sore. But you were good.”

Dean ran the towel over the center of his chest again, slow and steady. “Not too rough?”

Another head shake from Castiel. Dean nodded then handed the towel to him before rolling back onto the bed. Castiel took his time, feeling his back ache for his medication, and glanced at Dean before slipping off the bed. He threw the towel into the hamper then went into the bathroom.

After he took his medication and walked back into the bedroom, he slipped into bed and his brows furrowed when he saw Dean smirk.

“What?”

“It’s finally happening,” Dean said as Castiel pulled the comforter around himself. “Tomorrow it’s gonna be me, you, and the open road.”

Castiel turned off the lamp on his nightstand. “Don’t forget Robert Plant and Paul McCartney.”

“Yeah, right,” Dean chuckled, the low sound rumbling in his throat. “Can’t forget them.”

Castiel rolled towards Dean, folding his arms around him. His eyelids felt heavier as his breathing evened out. He knew he would have admitted one of his worries if it wasn’t for his tiredness that kept him quiet. He curled farther into his pillow and let his eyelids fall as he listened to Dean’s breathing.

Just the open road, him, and Dean. Things would be fine.

***

“Morning, sunshine,” Dean’s voice grew closer as his figure came into focus. Castiel yawned and ran a hand through his hair. “There’s green tea in the kitchen. Thought we could leave soon?”

Castiel nodded as he watched Dean clasp his watch on his wrist. He took in the other man’s dark Led Zeppelin shirt and jeans. He looked good. It seemed a bit too early for that.

Dean chuckled as Castiel sat up, carding his hand through his hair again. “Have I mentioned how much I love your hair in the morning?”

“Once or twice,” Castiel said then cleared his throat. It was always deeper in the mornings. “It used to be like this almost-”

Dean pursed his lips to contain his smile. “Yeah, I remember.”

Castiel almost ran his hand through his hair again, out of habit, before stopping himself. He could have easily called it a bird’s nest five years ago. If his pain wasn’t so encompassing, he would have been embarrassed. He began to be when he started learning how to manage his pain.

At least he knew Dean enjoyed it.

Castiel stood from the bed and rubbed his lower back as he walked into the bathroom. “I’ll be ready soon.”

It seemed that ‘soon’ was a relative word because they left almost an hour later. Castiel blamed it on his increasing pain level that he assumed was due to stress. He didn’t tell Dean any of this, though, because he seemed so excited. Dean was patient as he took his time nursing his tea and changing into his sweat pants.

When they slipped into the car, Castiel put his water bottle on the floor in front of him. Dean picked the first cassette tape for the drive. Led Zeppelin filled the interior as Dean reversed out of the driveway. 7:15am.

First stop: Lucerne Valley.

Dean kept the windows rolled down as they drove while his fingers tapped to the music on the steering wheel. The action helped Castiel’s nerves. It felt that he was waiting for the inevitable to drop. But when he glanced at Dean in the driver’s seat, singing along to the current song as the breeze ruffled his hair.

He was so carefree.

Castiel knew he only had a few more hours before his body ached beyond belief so he joined in during the second verse. While his voice was low and off-key, Dean glanced over with a smile as the sun illuminated his face. He was beautiful.

“Alright,” Dean smiled then turned the stereo up before looking back at the road. “It ain't me, it ain't me, I ain't no millionaire's son, no!”

The drive to Lucerne Valley wasn’t as bad as Castiel thought it would have been. Although his pain increased and the soreness radiated in his lower back and shoulders, he started stretching when Dean stopped at Cafe 247. He read the green sign that hung outside of the gray brick restaurant while Dean went to the bathroom.

_Deep Fried Sides:_

  * _Mozzarella Sticks_
  * _Jalapeno Poppers_
  * _Green Beans_
  * _Mushrooms_
  * _Zucchini_



Castiel walked slowly, stretching his arms, and read the statement on the window proclaiming that they had the ‘Greatist Hamburgers on Earth’. He wondered how great they could be if the establishment couldn’t even spell correctly.

“Alright, I’m ready to hit the road,” Castiel looked over at the entrance, Dean walking to him as he unwrapped a burrito. “Got a breakfast burrito, too. You ready?”

Castiel nodded then followed Dean to the Impala. The small town seemed desolate other than the restaurant and a gas station they spotted. Castiel switched out the current cassette in the stereo as Dean drove. He pushed it in and pressed play, letting out a sigh of relief when “Blackbird” began.

“If it gets too much,” Dean said, glancing at Castiel. “We can stop sooner. There’s still about six hours from here to Utah.”

Castiel stretched his legs out as far as they could go. He would need to put one of the Thermacare Heatwraps for his lower back before then. “No, I’m fine. My knees hurt. But… I’m fine right now.”

Dean pursed his lips for a moment. “So, has Balthazar responded yet?”

“No,” Castiel said. “He probably won’t for a few hours. They’re going to the ballet.”

“Ah,” Dean smirked. “Fancy.”

Castiel rolled his eyes in amusement and focused on the road. He and Emmi were in England for two weeks visiting her grandparents, a couple of mild-mannered and slightly distant people, and Castiel hoped she was having some fun. While Balthazar’s parents were better than his own in many regards, they still never understood his chronic pain.

After two-and-a-half hours, Castiel wondered if he would make it to Las Vegas. He stretched, adjusted his position more times than not, and tried to focus on the bleak desert outside of his window. None of it seemed to help.

Castiel winced when Dean drove over a bump and breathed in slowly. He was fine. “How much longer?”

“Um,” Dean eyed the green mile marker they were heading towards. “About half an hour.”

Thirty minutes of sitting in a cramped car listening to classic rock in the middle of the desert. He’d never done this sort of thing once his chronic pain began. He hadn’t even told Dean that. But he was doing this for Dean because he knew how important all of this was to him.

Castiel breathed in slowly once more, feeling some tension break from his shoulders until they hit another bump.

“Damn, this road…” Dean cursed under his breath then glanced at Castiel, brows furrowing when he noticed the other man wincing. “Cas?”

“We need to pull over somewhere,” Castiel said as he opened his eyes. “Please?”

Dean nodded, letting his right hand trail to Castiel’s and intertwining their fingers. “Alright. I’ll get off at the next exit.”

The small flare came quickly, Castiel decided once Dean pulled into Goodsprings, a small town with a population of two hundred and twenty-nine. He told Dean this in far fewer words when he parked in front of Pioneer Saloon, a bar that looked straight out of the Wild West.

Dean cut the engine then looked at Castiel. “Do you…”

Castiel shook his head and closed his eyes again, trying to breathe slowly. They sat in silence for twenty minutes before the sound of motorcycle engines began. A group of burly men had exited the bar and were now about to leave, only to make a big commotion beforehand.

Dean kept his eyes on them due to sheer curiosity until Castiel began chuckling. “What?”

“I just…” Castiel cleared his throat and straightened slowly. “I love you.” he continued with a soft smile. “This is crazy. I’ve never done something like this before. The last road trip I took was when I was twenty-one to Austin and I sat in the car for hours without a problem,” he took another deep breath. “But I’m glad I’m doing this with you.”

Dean smiled. “You’re such a sap.”

Castiel rolled his eyes with amusement as another roll of pain coursed down his back. “I need to put on one of those Thermacare Wraps. Can you help me get out?”

Dean nodded and slipped out of the car as the motorcyclists drove onto the road. He opened the passenger door and watched as Castiel slowly swung his legs out then took Dean’s hand.

“Alright, alright. Careful.” Dean said as Castiel got out of the car. He steadied the other man when he straightened. “Come on, let’s get your wrap, old man,” he continued softly as he squeezed Castiel’s hand. “But I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My mental health hasn't been the best since January but I think I'm getting to the tail-end of it all and out of the mental fog!! Hopefully, the beginning of spring will help. Also, all the places they visit are real. How exciting! Thank you for waiting. Comments and kudos are always appreciated.


	29. Chapter 29

The Pioneer Saloon was built in 1913 and was the backdrop to numerous films through the years.

It was where Clark Gable waited for his wife, Carole Lombard, for three days before the knowledge of her disappearance after a plane crash came out. By the look of the stained brick and faded lettering from the outside, Dean wouldn't have been surprised if countless prostitutes walked through the place years ago.

He kept one hand at his side and the other on Castiel’s back when they walked in, taking in the lively crowd. Dean glanced to his right and saw a small set-up for musicians. It was occupied by two singers in plaid and cowboy hats with guitars. He immediately recognized the familiar tune.

_“I can't walk out because I love you too much baby...”_

He smiled softly for a second as he listened until he felt Castiel tense under him. His brows furrowed in concern as he turned his attention back. He glanced to the left at the neon red bathroom sign a few feet away. “We’re almost there…”

_“Why can't you see what you're doing to me when you don't believe a word I say?”_

While Dean navigated through the crowd, trying to keep Castiel from as many people as he could, they still bumped into a few people on their way. It wasn’t their fault. He gave a quick nod and smile whenever a person apologized. When they walked down the small hallway to the restroom, he sighed softly in relief when he saw that there wasn’t a line.

“I’ll be right out here when you’re done,”

Dean watched Castiel nod as he walked into the restroom then backed from the door, stopping when his back hit the wall and feeling a stickiness beneath his boot. His face scrunched in disgust as he lifted his foot to see what he had stepped in. “Ugh…”

He sighed at the small wad of pink gum in the middle of his sole and glanced up when he heard a low chuckle beside him. Dean took in the tan cowboy hat and full white beard of the older man, noticing how the red gleam of the lights shined on his face. He gave the man a soft smile and nod before looking back at the restroom door.

“Are you the owner of the ‘67 Chevy Impala?” Dean’s brows furrowed as he looked at the man again. “She’s a beauty.”

Dean straightened, pulling his shoulders back, as a small prideful smile pulled at his lips. “Yeah, I am.”

The man stuck out his hand. “Name’s Chip.”

“Dean,” he hesitated for a moment then took it, giving him a firm shake before pulling back. “Guess you’re a car person.”

“Of course, got me a 1963 Jaguar E-Type in the back if you’d like to see it,” Chip smiled as Dean’s eyes grew at the prospect. It would be a hell of a car. He stopped himself when he felt his cell phone vibrate in his jeans. When Dean took it out and saw that it was Castiel, he glanced at Chip again with a frown. “It’s all right…,” Chip looked from the restroom door to Dean. “I understand.”

Dean slipped his cell phone back into his pants pocket. “Thanks.”

He pushed himself from the wall and headed into the restroom, eyes readjusting to the dim lighting. He glanced around the small room, taking in the picture frames filled with vintage photos of cowboys hung next to photos of current patrons.

“Dean?” Castiel called out. “Is that you?”

“Yeah, man.” Dean’s eyes trailed to the second stall. When he looked to the floor and saw Castiel’s shoes, he walked closer. “I’m here. Open up.”

It was silent for a moment until the lock twisted and clicked. Castiel pushed the door open and turned to Dean with a frown. “It hurts to bend my arms back.”

Dean gazed into Castiel’s eyes for a long moment then nodded, taking the wrap from him. While he opened it and placed it on Castiel’s lower back as the other man lifted his shirt, he realized he never thought this would be something he’d go through. Dean was used to taking his partners to a nice dinner, a show, and a couple of drinks before they headed to his place. It had always been easy.

His hands parted as he smoothed the wrap down, pressing gently until he reached the edges. He cleared his throat. “Is it on alright?”

Castiel nodded as he pulled down his shirt. “Yes, thank you. I… I apologize for calling you in here.”

“No, it’s fine,” Dean said as he walked out of the stall and watched Castiel walk to the sink to wash his hands. “I’m here to help and I want to make this road trip fun for both of us,” he watched Castiel nod then look down at his hands before continuing. “You could stretch before we go. Lay in the backseat for a while. Whatever you need.”

“Stretching will be good,” Castiel turned off the faucet then grabbed a couple paper towels from the bin on his left. “It’ll only take a few minutes then we’ll be back on the road.”

Dean opened the restroom door with the footpull then leaned against it and let Castiel walk out first. “Whatever you need.”

The melody of The Rolling Stones _‘Paint It Black’_ filled Dean’s ears as he took another look around, taking in the locals and the fully stocked bar in the back. When his hand grazed Castiel’s lower back again as they walked out of the saloon, he pulled back. He was still trying to find a balance in being a support for Castiel and letting the other man take care of himself.

While it was difficult to find that medium because Dean found himself more often than not wanting to be the safe haven for Castiel, he knew it wasn’t an option most of the time. Castiel had made it clear that he didn’t want to be rescued. This was their life and he’d get used to the push and pull of it all.

Dean walked ahead of Castiel to the trunk of the car and leaned against it, looking out at the small mountains and clear blue skies. Though the views weren’t anything to admire yet, he couldn’t wait to show Castiel the beautiful views the further they got into Nevada and all throughout Utah. He had driven from San Diego to Sioux Falls countless times and he never seemed to get tired of them.

“There’s not much to look at now,” Dean broke the comfortable silence and looked at Castiel. The other man currently had his arms above his head, stretching a few feet away. “But when we hit Vegas and until Nebraska, the views are gorgeous. Promise you.”

Castiel smiled. “I’ll have to hold you to that.”

Dean watched as Castiel stretched his arms for a few more moments then started walking a few feet away from the Impala. According to Castiel, it would help with the stiffness and he wasn’t about to get in the way of it. Dean stayed at the car as the other man stretched until they left fifteen minutes later. While he didn’t need to help Castiel into the car, he still watched with apprehensiveness due to the ‘what ifs’ that ran through his mind as the other man repositioned himself in the passenger seat.

It seemed Castiel felt Dean’s worry because he turned to him with soft eyes. “I’m fine right now. I’ll tell you if I need anything.”

Dean paused. “Promise?”

Castiel nodded then looked out the windshield. “Are you ready?”

It was a silent agreement to let it go. Dean turned away and ran the ignition, feeling his tension ease at the sound of the hum. He reversed out of the small parking lot and back onto the road, seeing Castiel handle the stereo until _‘I Want You (She’s So Heavy)’_ by The Beatles began. He kept his eyes forward as he slipped his right hand into Castiel’s and intertwined their fingers together.

This was his new normal.

***

Surprisingly, Castiel fell asleep about thirty minutes into their drive to Las Vegas, his head leaning against the passenger window. When Dean realized that they only had ten minutes until they reached the city, he decided to keep driving instead of waking up the other man.

He turned down the stereo and tried not to think too much about Castiel’s strict ‘stopping every two hours to stretch’ rule. If Castiel needed anything, he would say something and Dean was sure that if his pain was that terrible then he wouldn’t have fallen or stayed asleep for this long. He was rationalizing his decision to disregard Castiel’s wish and wasn't sure if it was a good thing or not.

Dean glanced at Castiel, taking in his loose-fitting sweat pants and gray cotton t-shirt. His mouth was slightly open as he softly snored. He’d be fine, right?

Castiel shifted in his seat and slowly opened his eyes when they had a little less than twenty minutes until they arrived in Cedar City, Utah. Dean watched him rub at his neck as he straightened in his seat from the corner of his eye. His voice rough from sleep. “Where are we?”

“Utah. We’re almost to Cedar City,” Dean said. “Look out your window. The views are amazing.”

After they passed Las Vegas, the landscape changed from small brown hills to tall glorious mountains that were varying shades of orange. Dean had his window down so he could feel the sun and wind on his skin. While he loved San Diego, nothing could beat the feeling of being out on the open road in the middle of the Southwest.

Castiel turned to look out his window. “It is. I’ve never been to Utah. The pictures don’t do it justice.”

Dean nodded, glancing at the wide mountains again before asking. “Do you feel alright? That position probably wasn’t the most comfortable.”

“It wasn’t,” Castiel stretched his legs. “But I can last twenty more minutes.”

Although he noticed Castiel flex his hands, he didn’t comment.

***

When Dean planned their road trip to Sioux Falls, he planned it as best as he could with his knowledge of Castiel’s abilities and limits. After he and Castiel refined it, he tried not to let the strict itinerary get to him. He wanted to take Castiel to see all of the incredible sights that were available from the different National Parks to the lakes and forests.

Cedar City had Dixie National Forest, Glenwood Springs had Hanging Lake, and Denver was only a two-hour drive from the Rocky Mountain National Park. He wanted Castiel to see the beautiful scenery he’d seen throughout the years but he knew that wasn’t feasible. Castiel was in pain and regardless of if the other man told him so, he could see it in the way he changed positions in the car, flexed his hands repeatedly, or took longer and longer stretching breaks.

Dean never commented, only being a reliable helping hand in the background. But in the back of his mind, it seemed that his fun road trip idea was a complete waste of time. They weren't able to see any sights and Castiel seemed to get worse as time went on. He had all of these ideas and none of it mattered. Castiel only cared about how long the drive would be until the next stop.

He pulled into Richfield at half-past three in the afternoon. The small town was sparse and it didn’t take long for Dean to find Little Wonder Cafe as they drove down the short downtown strip. Dean pulled into a parking space then looked at Castiel as he cut the engine.

“Hungry?”

Castiel nodded as he stretched his arms in front of him. “I was getting worried that we’d never stop.”

“I’d never miss on food,” Dean said as he opened the driver’s side door. “Besides, I have to see where Stephen King sat.”

“Of course.”

When Castiel opened the passenger door, Dean had already slipped out of the Impala and stood to wait for the other man with his hand stretched out. “How do you feel?”

“Hungry,” Castiel said, grabbing Dean’s hand as he swung his legs out of the car and tightening his grip when he stood up. “I’ve felt better…,” he continued when Dean’s eyes softened. “But I’ve felt a lot worse than this. I’m sure food will help.”

Dean let his hand fall from Castiel’s and held onto his arm to steady him as they walked into the small restaurant. While he had seen countless pictures of the inside of when he planned their stop in Richfield, none of them did it justice.

Clocks of different sizes and colors and framed photos of Richfield hung throughout the restaurant. Castiel couldn’t keep his eyes off of the gaudy dark blue carpet.

“Hi, welcome to Little Wonder,” Castiel looked up to see a plump older woman in a black blouse and smile. “Just two?”

“Yeah,” Dean said then slowly followed the woman to a small table tucked away in the back. He let Castiel pull out his chair before helping him into it, trying not to focus on the woman’s shifting eyes. Although it was clear she wanted to stare, it seemed she didn’t want to seem rude. Dean focused on Castiel until he was seated and took the other then looked at the woman with a charming smile. “Thank you so much.”

“It’s not a problem,” she sat a menu in front of both of them. “Would you like to start off with anything to drink?”

Dean glanced at Castiel, quickly taking in his tiredness before looking at the woman again. “Two waters.”

The woman nodded, glanced at Castiel, then walked away. Once they were alone, Dean easily saw the glazed expression that trailed across Castiel’s eyes as the other man stared off into the distance. He lowered his voice and reached out to touch Castiel’s right hand on the table. “Cas, are you sure you’re okay?”

“I…,” Castiel turned to Dean with narrowed eyes, a sudden wave of exhaustion falling over him. “I’m tired.”

“Okay,” Dean said as the tension in his shoulders eased. He’d searched the spoon theory after their fight and familiarized himself with it again. While he never told Castiel this, he appreciated putting a name to a problem. “We’ll eat fast then we can go stretch. Maybe you could take a nap in the backseat? Stretch out your legs while I drive? We have that neck pillow in the trunk. I’m gonna go to the restroom. Be right back.”

Castiel watched as Dean stood up and headed to the restroom in the back of the restaurant. They had been on the road for six or so hours and although it was clear Dean was on edge, he was surprised he had made it this far without any major issues. His stronger medications were still packed with his usual daily ones and it wouldn’t be unexpected if he needed them tomorrow.

He was about to look down at his menu when his cell phone vibrated in his pocket, notifying him of a couple text messages from Meg. Castiel swiped into it, tapped on his messages and Meg’s thread, then let his eyes trail them.

 _3:45 PM, May 7_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Meg Masters_  
_\--How are you holding up? Do you think you’ll make it to Denver in one piece?_

Castiel smiled softly at Meg’s subtle worry as he replied.

 _3:46 PM, May 7_  
_To: Meg Masters_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--Hope so. I’m tired. Seven more hours until Denver…_

 _3:47 PM, May 7_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Meg Masters_  
_\--You don’t seem too happy. I’m guessing it hasn’t been the picturesque road trip from the movies?_

 _3:48 PM, May 7_  
_To: Meg Masters_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--No. The mountains are stunning, though. I wish we flew._

Frankly, Castiel didn’t have enough energy to lie. Although the views were great and Dean was good company, his pain had steadily grown while his spoons were almost depleted as time went on. The fact that Dean seemed to understand this and try his best to make their trip as smooth as possible lessened his irritation about the whole thing. While he knew the other man constantly tried to grasp a firm understanding of his illness, his misjudgment showed in situations like this.

But Castiel wanted to make the best of it because Dean’s heart was in the right place. It usually was. Now, it was his turn to keep his promise to curb his snark when things hurt too much. Castiel turned to the woman when she returned with their drinks and sat them down.

“Thank you so much.” Castiel took his glass and sipped. He glanced at Dean’s empty chair then to the woman. “We still need a few minutes to look at the menu.”

“Thought so. By the way, my name is Jan. I’ll be your waitress today. Things have just been so hectic. If you need me, I’ll be around here,” she smiled then waved her hand in a wide circle motion. “Just holler.”

Castiel nodded and watched her leave for a moment until his cell phone vibrated again.

 _3:54 PM, May 7_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Meg Masters_  
_\--If you can, send pictures! Also, I’ll kick Dean’s ass when you get back. He doesn’t know what he’s doing._

“Hey,” Castiel looked up and saw Dean walking to their table. He sat down and grabbed his menu with both hands, glancing at it then up at Castiel. “See anything good?”

Castiel looked down at his menu. “I haven’t really looked. I’ll probably get a salad.”

Dean nodded then looked at his own menu again. They stayed in relative silence for the remainder of their lunch with Dean periodically noting the different plaques of what celebrity sat at what table throughout the restaurant. If he wasn’t talking, he was trying to hold Castiel’s hand as subtly as he could. After the third try and Castiel finally lowering his hand under the table, he stopped. Dean wasn’t sure if the pullback was due to Castiel’s pain or the fact they were in a small town.

He pushed the thought to the back of his mind as he took another bite of his burger. He was still pretty excited when he learned Kurt Russell sat at the table in front of them.

When they finished their meals and paid, Dean stood up and held out his hand for Castiel. He grabbed the other man’s arm as he stood up then steadied him, trying not to pay attention to the curious stares from the people surrounding them. The stares were one of the worst things. Dean remembered Castiel mentioning how uncomfortable they made him a handful of times.

_“I hate it. It’s dehumanizing and they don’t even care. It’s as if they like watching me struggle. I’m not sure. But they’ll stare until I look them in the eyes and I do, Dean. I don’t care. But sometimes… sometimes that doesn’t help because I see the pity in their eyes. It’s a constant reminder that I’ll always be weak to them.”_

They were at Dean’s lying in bed for the night when Castiel brought it up. His voice was soft as he looked up at the ceiling fan and Dean realized it had to be on his mind because they only had been discussing their workdays before. Castiel wasn’t one to wear his heart on his sleeve, Dean had that covered more often than not, so the sudden disclosure that came from the same person that kept insisting he was fine, was a little more jarring.

Dean stayed quiet for a moment as he stared at the ceiling then turned to Castiel, taking in his profile. His expression was serious and distant as if he accepted his fate. Dean’s eyes softened. _“I’m sorry.”_

Castiel hesitated then stretched his right arm out, grabbing Dean’s hand and intertwining their fingers. _“I know.”_

Now, Dean decided to take Castiel’s advice and glanced at a few watchers as he slowly led them out of the restaurant. When he caught the eyes of an older man then a middle-aged woman, they both had a similar soft look of pity until Dean’s stare turned into a glare and they finally looked away. He focused on Castiel the rest of the way out of the restaurant and kept his eyes on the Impala once they walked outside.

“We’re almost there,” Dean began, almost to himself. “Did you like your lunch?”

The question was superficial and a clear distraction until Castiel put his hand on the side of the Impala to steady himself once they got to the car. He closed his eyes for a moment then opened them, keeping his focus on the empty back seat.

“I should sit in the back with my legs stretched out for the rest of the drive,” Castiel paused. “With a neck pillow. How much longer to Denver again?”

Dean opened the backseat’s door. “Seven hours.”

***

“You know, the first known Brachiosaurus was found here in 1903,” Castiel began, looking at the back of Dean’s head. “Plenty of fossils have been found here.”

Dean nodded then looked from the gas pump to Castiel. “Good ‘ol Fruita. When did you learn this?”

‘Um,” Castiel squinted as he tried to remember. “I probably looked up the towns after we created the itinerary. I’m not exactly sure.”

They arrived in Fruita, a small town in western Colorado, a few minutes after six and pulled into a gas station. Dean stayed at the pump while Castiel stretched his legs before walking back to the car. His pain decreased as the wrap on his lower back reduced his discomfort and because of it, his mood lightened. It seemed Dean caught on because he turned up the volume on the stereo a few miles back and began singing along again.

Dean pushed down the gas pump clip. “You hungry? I’m gonna go inside and buy a snack.”

“Fruit or trail mix would be fine.”

“Got it,” Dean said. “I’ll be right back.”

Inside the mini-mart, Dean recognized Chris Cornell’s voice as he walked to the small aisle of processed snacks. His eyes trailed the bags of chips and cookies until he saw the section of Chex mix, pretzels, and trail mix. He grabbed a bag of trail mix then walked to the hot food section, already eyeing the hot dog conveyer belt. Sam had always scrunched up his face at them growing up but they were damn good. Better than any gas station taquito or nachos.

After loading up a hotdog with all the fixings, he grabbed an apple on the way to the checkout line and flashed a charming smile at the young attendant at the cash register. She had to be in her mid-twenties and his eyes went straight to her chest due to her unbuttoned shirt. Although Castiel stood outside, he wasn’t blind.

She flipped her long auburn hair as she smiled. “Is that all?”

“Yes, it is,” Dean said and grabbed his wallet out of his jean pocket.

“You’re the California license plates, right?” she asked as she rung him out. “What are you doing in town?”

“Roadtrip,” Dean said. “Visiting family.”

“Oh, so just passing by.” her smile faded and Dean almost felt sorry for her. It wasn’t as if this was going to go anywhere, he hadn’t picked anyone up at a gas station since he was in his early twenties and he was in such a different stage of his life. He was sure someone like her could pick up almost anyone. “Maybe next time?”

Dean swiped his card. “Um, yeah. Maybe next time.”

After she put the receipt in the bag and handed him it, he gave her a short smile then headed out of the mini-mart. Of course, there wouldn’t be a next time.

Dean lifted up the bag as he walked to the Impala. “Got you an apple and some trail mix. Hope that’s okay.”

“It is,” Castiel watched as Dean unclipped the gas pump and put it back in the cradle. “Thought we could take a picture before we go?”

"Yeah, sure," Dean said, then opened the driver's seat and put the bag in his seat. He walked to Castiel and turned to the iPhone that was already in the other man’s hand, lifted to their faces. “Just wait until we get to Glenwood Springs for dinner. The views-”

A smile spread across Castiel’s lips. “The views…”

“Hey,” Dean chuckled. “Are you making fun of me?”

“I mean,” Castiel began, a laugh escaping his lips. “You have been talking about it since we left this morning.”

Dean shook his head with amusement. “I’m just telling you, man.”

“Okay, okay,” Castiel chuckled. “Three, two, one…”

When Castiel took the picture, Dean’s chuckle was still fading and the crinkles in the corners of his eyes cleared showed. He looked so happy. The sun shined brightly on their faces with the mountains and blue sky in the background. Castiel took in the picture for a long moment until a rolling ache grew in his shoulder. He lowered the cell phone and rubbed at it while Dean glanced at the mountains then back to him.

“We should go,” Dean said, grazing his hand for a moment on Castiel’s lower back as they walked to the car. He slipped into the driver’s seat and watched as Castiel did the same. “You okay? You need anything before we leave?”

Castiel stretched his legs out as far as they could in the passenger seat, already wondering if he should stay in the back until they arrived in Denver. He hated the thought, though, and believed lying on the back made him feel even more like a child.

“I’m fine for now,” Castiel began and took in Dean’s concern in his eyes. He tried again. “The wrap and stretching are helping a lot. I’m excited for the hotel in Denver.”

Rather than stopping at a motel on the side of the highway for a night, Castiel booked a room at a Marriott hotel in the city. It wasn’t a conversation, really, more like a detail that Castiel included into their itinerary. While Dean could afford a hotel for a night, he had been so used to crappy motels that he hadn’t even thought about the possibility. But the idea of getting up early for a morning swim at the pool seemed nicer than waking up with a sore back from the bed.

Dean put the key into the ignition. “Yeah, it’ll be nicer than a motel.”

“I hope so,” Castiel dug into the mini-mart bag as Dean drove out of the gas station. He took out the trail mix and opened it. “Do you want some?”

Dean glanced at the packet then to Castiel. “Get the Purell in the glove department first. Can’t even imagine what’s on that gas pump.”

Castiel’s smiled softly in amusement for a few seconds as he opened the glove department, finding the small bottle. “Of course.”

***

The drive through Glenwood Canyon was the first time Dean made Castiel eat his words. The satisfaction of being right the majority of the time was something he didn’t realize he enjoyed until he saw Dean’s smirk when he agreed that the views were stunning.

“I wasn’t just saying it for laughs. Mother Nature’s a beauty,” he gazed at the mountains and greenery that surrounded both sides of the road with the sun slowly setting behind them. “I want to take you to Hanging Lake someday. It’s incredible.”

Of course, not on this trip. The idea wouldn’t even be discussed and it was a fact that relaxed and irritated Castiel. While he knew it was for the best and they already talked about a recovery day when they arrived in Sioux Falls, it sent mix feelings to his stomach. Castiel didn’t remember the last time he was spontaneous. It had to be before the trip, before Dean, and before he fell ill. Almost ten years of routine or meticulous planning.

He wrestled with making peace with this every day.

“I want to,” Castiel said, watching the Colorado River next to them. “Tell me about it.”

Dean glanced at Castiel with a smile. “It’s surrounded by the mountains and pine trees….”

While Castiel enjoyed listening to Dean go on about Hanging Lake and Colorado in general, he started getting irritable when they stopped at a Wendy’s for dinner. Dean helped him out of the car so he could stretch while the other man walked inside to order for them. Regardless of what salad Dean came out with, he was barely hungry.

He knew it was because of the pain that was growing in his shoulders and legs as of late. It made stretching harder and he stopped at the passenger seat’s window after walking back and forth twice. They only had two more hours until they arrived in Denver. When he learned this, he asked Dean if they could eat in the car to save time.

He could feel Dean’s hesitancy once the words hit his lips. Throughout the almost thirteen-hour car ride, Dean had been wary to almost a fault. Castiel saw it in his mannerisms and regardless of if they stopped for fifteen minutes to eat, the pain would still be there in the morning. Fifteen minutes most likely wouldn’t help anything. When Castiel smiled softly a couple moments later, Dean pursed his lips then reluctantly agreed.

“Hey, I got your sandwich on lettuce instead of bread,” Castiel turned to Dean’s voice and saw him walking out of the building. “You okay? Did you stretch?”

Castiel grabbed the handle on the door. “Yeah, I’m ready.”

“Okay, if you’re sure,” Dean placed the fast food bag and drinks on the top of the car then walked to the passenger door. Castiel opened it and immediately felt Dean’s hands on his shoulders. He gradually fell into the seat and Dean gave him a once-over. “Two hours. You sure you don’t need anything before we go?”

“I,” Castiel said as Dean’s hand slipped into his. He tried again when Dean’s worry got the better of him. “I’m just tired and feel terrible. Can we go? I want to get there.”

Dean nodded. “Yeah, yeah. I’ll drive as fast as I can.”

A warmth fell through Castiel. “Thank you.”

***

Dean was a nurturer.

He always had been and while he supposed his rough upbringing influenced him, it was something that he saw as a light more than anything. It wasn’t something he necessarily thought about when he started delivering files to Castiel all those years ago. Thinking back on it, he helped in the little ways that almost just seemed like polite gestures anyone would do.

Now, though, it was an involuntary reaction. If Castiel needed anything, whether it was a heating pad or medication, he’d get it in a heartbeat. While happiness and a sense of accomplishment fell over him when he helped Castiel, he never thought about how the other man felt. He didn’t realize it could be overbearing.

He was sure that after today’s fifteen-hour drive, the balance between doing too much and not enough would get easier. In a way, it had and he learned a few things throughout that time. But when they arrived at the hotel in Denver, that knowledge seemed to dissipate because it was clear that Castiel was in pain and needed him. If he didn’t need to help the other man immediately after they parked, the constant realization that a road trip was an awful idea would still be in the forefront of his mind. 

“Okay, okay, here we go,” Dean began as he opened the passenger seat door. After he pulled out for valet parking, he grabbed Castiel’s cane from the trunk and gave it to the other man. He took Castiel’s left hand to steady him as he got out of the car. “Alright, you good?” When Castiel gave him a pointed look, Dean quickly nodded. “Right, let me get our bags.”

Dean walked to the trunk and grabbed their two bags as Castiel walked to the front doors. He closed the trunk and turned to the valet, giving him the keys with slight hesitation. “Don’t worry, sir. Your car is in good hands.”

“It better be,” Dean said then walked to Castiel at the front doors, putting his hand on his lower back. “I’ll go check in.”

Castiel hummed in agreement. “I’m going to sit down.”

Castiel rubbed his leg while he sat on one of the dark couches as he watched Dean check in at the front desk, the feeling of gratitude falling over him. He knew it would get harder as time went on and he knew Dean probably had a vague knowledge of that as well, but it was clear that he was stressed. Dean had the patience of a saint. Castiel watched as Dean smiled at the receptionist then turned from the desk, flashing him their keycard for their room.

“I’m so ready for bed,” Castiel said as he stood up from the couch and began walking to the elevator.

Dean chuckled softly. “You’re speaking to the choir.”

When the elevator opened on the fifth floor, Dean led them to their room, slid the card into the lock, and pushed the door open once the green ‘unlock’ light ticked on. His eyes lit up when he walked in, quickly noticing how much better it was then any motel he ever stayed in. It was minimalistic with crisp lines and white linens. There was actually a king sized bed, a small office space, and flat-screen all in the same room.

Castiel didn’t seem to care about any of it, though, because a tired smile spread across his lips when he sat on the bed. “This is incredible.”

“You were right. This is much better than a Motel 6.” Dean said as he set their bags down then began unzipping his own. “I’m gonna get ready for bed. You need anything?”

“If you wouldn’t mind getting my medication.”

Dean nodded then unzipped the other bag, grabbing the pill organizer. His brows furrowed when he turned around and Castiel was heading into the bathroom. “Why are you getting up? I was gonna get you water.”

“I need to use the bathroom,” Castiel said. Dean watched as Castiel shut the bathroom door then sat the pill organizer on the nightstand.

The rest of the night progressed in a similar manner as they got ready for bed. Castiel’s to-do list for tomorrow ran through his head as laid in bed as he waited for Dean, the lamp on his nightstand the only thing illuminating the room. Regardless of if he used his cane for the day which considering how badly his body ached, he probably needed to, he still had stronger medication that he’d use. Also, he noted that he needed to look presentable. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t a little nervous about meeting Bobby and Karen.

Dean had told him countless times how the two were his pseudo-parents. He loved talking about Karen’s pies and humor and Bobby’s garage. It was where Dean learned how to pull apart and put back together his Impala again, again, and again.

When Balthazar’s parents visited a few months after Castiel got his diagnosis, he noticed their stares and disbelief. The week was incredibly awkward and he was glad that Emmi was too young to remember it. Maybe this time would be different.

“Hey, you okay?” Castiel’s eyes flicked from the wall in front of him to Dean, the other man walking to his bag on the floor. His attention stayed on the dark sweatpants that hung low on his waist. “You look a little sad.”

Castiel watched Dean zip up his bag again before going to his side of the bed, falling into it. He smiled softly instead. “I don’t what I’d do without you.”

“Probably still at home,” Dean pulled the comforter closer then rolled to his side to face Castiel. “You’d probably feel a lot better, too.”

“You’re too hard on yourself. I… thank you for putting up with me today,” Castiel continued when Dean’s brows furrowed. “I know it probably wasn’t the day you wanted and I probably wasn’t the best company but-”

“Cas, stop, do you really believe that?” Dean frowned. “Yeah, we didn’t see some sights but me, you, classic rock, and the open road? It’s all I need.” he started again when the other man opened his mouth. “Let’s go to bed, okay? Big day tomorrow.”

“You’re right,” Castiel’s eyelids were heavy and he kissed Dean before he turned off the lamp. “Goodnight, Dean.”

***

Castiel needed more time.

It was eight-thirty in the morning and they needed to be on the road in thirty minutes. He just wanted to go back to bed. Dean already had their bags packed, took a shower, and got ready for the day - not to mention the morning swim he apparently took while Castiel was still asleep.

Although Castiel had enough energy to brush his teeth, wash his face, and make himself look presentable, he wondered if it was enough. His worrying thoughts were calmed when Dean came into the bathroom and whistled.

“Damn, you look good,” Dean said as he stood behind Castiel, taking in the other man’s white button down and dark jeans. “Is the wrap working yet?”

Castiel shook his head. “It will soon. Is everything packed?”

“Yeah, everything is ready to go. You want to go downstairs for breakfast?”

“I’d rather go back to bed,” Castiel smirked. “But I guess I could eat.”

When he woke up, his whole body ached and he wasn’t sure how he would be able to get up. The prescription for his stronger medications was one of the main reasons why Castiel could function today. He also couldn’t stress enough how thankful he was for Dean, especially after a morning of constant aches, snarkiness, and apologizes. Now, after eating a breakfast of scrambled eggs and fruit, they were finally back on the road.

***

“Do you really think that’s how the season’s gonna end?”

Castiel looked into the rearview mirror and locked eyes with Dean before continuing. “Of course. It only makes sense. If you don’t believe me, we can rewatch the season again. There’s foreshadowing in most of the episodes.”

“No, I believe you,” Dean said, turning to the road again. “Besides, we have all those other shows we need to catch up on. Also, that reminds me, I need to get you hooked on _The Walking Dead_.”

Castiel frowned. “I’d rather not talk about zombies when we’re in the middle of nowhere Nebraska.”

“It’s like you’re forgetting about the two guns I have in the trunk next to your bag,” Dean said. “If only I could use a grenade launcher, you know something similar to the one in _Stargate SG-1_?”

After five hours of driving through the empty plains of Nebraska, Castiel transitioned to lying in the backseat and talked about everything from music to politics with Dean. Castiel still hadn’t told him about the bundle of nerves in his stomach about meeting Bobby and Karen. He supposed the constant discussions of different topics served as a distraction from it.

During the eighth hour of driving, they fell into a comfortable silence and Castiel fell asleep in the backseat after they stopped for dinner at a local fast food restaurant, head resting on the window.

***

When Castiel’s eyes slowly opened, rows of brick homes and local restaurants filled his vision. He took a deep breath then straightened up, quickly flinching as a sharp pain grew in his neck.

“Hey, you’re awake,” Dean glanced into the rearview mirror with a smile.”We’re almost there.”

Castiel rubbed his neck and hummed under his breath. “Great.”

The home was stunning. When they arrived in the driveway of Bobby and Karen’s fifteen minutes later as the sun set, Castiel was amazed by the beautiful architecture of the house and the rows of colorful flowers that led up to the front porch. Another nervous twist began in his stomach when Dean opened the door for him, bags in hand.

Dean stretched out a hand and steadied him when he got out of the Impala. “Trust me, they’ll love you.”

Castiel wished Dean’s words settled his stomach. He followed Dean up the walkway and stayed quiet while the other man knocked on the door. When an older woman with blonde hair opened the door a few moments later, he watched as she pulled Dean into a warm hug.

“You finally made it! Bobby was just about to call you boys,” she kissed Dean’s cheek then turned to Castiel with a smile, glancing at his cane before looking back to him. “Hi, I’m Karen. You must be Castiel. It’s so nice to finally meet you.”

Castiel returned the smile and stretched out his hand. “You as well. Dean talks about you and your pies all the time. Thank you so much for letting me stay at your home for this special occasion.”

“It’s a pleasure,” Karen shook his hand once then stepped into the house. “Come in, Bobby’s in the living room.”

Castiel glanced at Dean before they walked inside, noticing the easy smile on his lips.

Dean was home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, friends! I'm back and I hope you liked the update. Comments and kudos are always greatly loved and appreciated. :-)


	30. Chapter 30

The dark hardwood floors squeaked beneath Castiel’s feet as he followed Dean into the small living room. He eyed the brown leather couch and while he wished he could sit, there were formalities that needed to be kept. Castiel smiled softly when Dean greeted Bobby in a quick hug.

“So, this is the man you keep telling me about? Castiel?” Bobby began when he pulled away from Dean and stuck his hand out. “Great to finally meet you. Not sure what this kid has told you.”

Castiel took Bobby’s hand. “All good things, sir.”

Bobby’s brows furrowed as he turned to Dean. Castiel pulled his hand back, hoping he had said the correct thing, and glanced at Dean as his nerves grew. He slowly relaxed when Dean gave Bobby a tight-lipped smile and a shrug.

“Yeah, well,” Dean pursed his lips, trying to contain his smile. “He’s polite.”

When he finally met Balthazar’s parents all those years ago, it was a homophobic and awkward encounter full of stilted conversations and uncomfortable tension. Their relationship only worsened when Castiel was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Now, though, he was meeting Bobby and Karen and while they seemed nice, he was incredibly nervous. He hated first impressions.

They all found seats in the living room a few moments later. Castiel sat next to Dean in one of the two adjacent chairs from Karen and Bobby and he refrained from grabbing his cane or Dean’s hand when Karen smiled at him. He glanced to Bobby and took in his worn navy baseball cap and dark green flannel until the man cleared his throat.

“You a fan of the Royals?” Although Castiel opened his mouth as he tried to answer, he didn’t know what to say. He never cared for sports. A small smile formed on Bobby’s lips instead. “I’m kidding. Dean said you were an editor for the LA Times?”

Castiel eased into familiarity after that. He easily discussed his work until it became harder to find the right words for things and Karen’s brows furrowed as he spoke. An embarrassment washed over him until Dean admitted that they were both tired from the drive. Castiel didn’t argue when Karen quickly understood and let them call it a night.

Dean stood from the chair, grabbed their bags, then turned to watch as Castiel took his cane and slowly stood to walk to the staircase. It seemed they were all watching. Castiel’s shoulders tensed as he felt their eyes on him and couldn’t wait to get upstairs.

“I’m right here,” Dean’s left hand cupped Castiel waist. “Whenever you’re ready.” Castiel grabbed the staircase railing then took the first step. He concentrated on his balance and the picture frames in the corner of his eye that hung on the wall, taking a deep breath when he reached the top. “You good?” Dean’s breath was warm on Castiel’s neck as the other man spoke low, the question seemingly only meant for Castiel to hear. “We’re the last door on the right.”

Castiel hummed then turned to walk into the hallway, eyeing the bedroom at the end of the short hallway. While it was short, it felt so long. He couldn’t wait to take his medication, fall into bed, and never get up again. When Castiel opened the dark wooden door, he took in the warm and inviting yellow walls of the room. The bedroom was sparse, only a dresser and a wooden chair, and Castiel breathed a sigh of relief when he saw the queen-sized bed.

Dean watched as Castiel sat on the bed before putting their bags next to the dresser, bending down to unzip one of them to get Castiel’s bag of medication. “I’m gonna put your pills on the nightstand. I can get you some water and your pajamas, okay?”

Castiel nodded. “Thank you, Dean.”

“No problem,” Dean said while he opened the bag and set the medication on the nightstand before turning to the door again. “I’ll be right back.”

The evening progressed slowly in a similar pattern as Dean helped Castiel prepare for bed. When Castiel pulled the comforter closer to him once he laid down, Dean glanced at the alarm clock on the nightstand on his side of the bed. It was only half past nine.

Dean looked at Castiel, then, and the other man’s closed eyes. “I’m gonna go visit for a little while. Are you gonna be–”

“I’ll be fine,” Castiel kept his eyes closed. “Go visit your family.”

Dean pursed his lips as he stared at Castiel, his eyes closed and clearly ready to sleep. The other man became quieter as he took his medication, changed into sweatpants and a soft t-shirt, and slipped into bed. Dean needed to trust him. He left a moment later and heard the familiar voices of Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones as he walked down the staircase.

Dean looked into the living room and saw _Men in Black_ playing on the television, the couches empty. His brows furrowed as he glanced from the living room to the kitchen, quickly relaxing when he saw Karen and Bobby cleaning up.

Karen turned from the sink, brows narrowing. “I thought you were going to bed?”

“No, I’m not really tired yet. Cas was, though, the drive took a lot out of him,” Dean began. Karen nodded then went back to scrubbing a dish in her hand. He glanced to Bobby, watching as he swept the floor before he continued. “So, what do you think of him?”

Karen kept her eyes to the sink. “He seems—”

“Quiet,” Bobby turned from the broom in his hands to Dean. “Seemed to like his job, though.”

In the back of his mind, Dean knew better than to get the sole approval of his relationship with Castiel from Bobby and Karen regardless of how much he loved them. While he had more confidence in himself than to put all the weight on the two, it meant something to him that they liked Castiel.

Dean also didn’t want to think about the short and awkward first impression. Of course, it wasn’t Castiel’s fault. They had been driving for almost ten hours and Castiel had already told him that his energy level was low. Dean knew what the other man was like during these times, it was just Karen and Bobby who didn’t, so when Castiel started losing words and speaking slower, he quickly called it a night.

“We weren’t able to talk much,” Karen started, turning and leaning against the counter. “But he seems great and we have plenty of time to get to know him. Which reminds me, we’re picking Sam and Jess from the airport tomorrow morning then going out for dinner.”

Dean quickly remembered Castiel telling him that he needed at least a day to recover from the drive. “I think Cas and I are going to keep it low key tomorrow.”

“We’re just going to Sal’s down the road,” Bobby said as he put the broom back into the storage closet then looked at Dean. “Don’t know what’s more low key than that.”

“I’ll talk to him,” Dean continued when Bobby’s brows furrowed. “Like you said, we’ve got plenty of time. Do you need any help?”

Dean dropped the subject once he started to help clean the rest of the kitchen. Castiel wasn’t brought up for the continuation of the night and he decided to talk about Bobby’s garage once they settled into the living room to finish the movie. While he watched Agent J kill a cockroach, though, he wondered if Castiel would be able to go to dinner tomorrow night.

Growing up, they took him and Sam to Sal’s countless times. He had numerous fond memories at the restaurant and Bobby was right, it’d probably be a calm night full of beer and sharing stories. It seemed nice. Maybe Castiel would be fine by then. He hoped so.

***

Castiel slowly awoke the following morning as a sharpness coursed through his right shoulder, his brows furrowing. When he opened his eyes, he focused on the window to his left and the sun rays that hit the hardwood floors. He immediately wished he was still asleep.

Of course, after splitting a twenty-five-hour drive into two days, it would be impossible. He already woke with a burning pain that felt as if pins-and-needles were throughout his entire body. Castiel needed one of his wraps for his shoulder, he needed his medication, he needed rest. His eyes glanced to the nightstand and saw a tall glass of water next to his pill organizer.

He could have sworn that it wasn’t there when he fell asleep.

Castiel rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling, clearing his throat. He raised the back of his hand to rub his nose as he became aware of how stuffed up he was. A groan escaped his lips as his arm fell to his side a moment later, hitting the empty space next to him. His brows furrowed again as he grazed his hand on the soft sheets then looked to his right.

Dean’s space was empty.

The sheets were bundled at the foot of the bed and he glanced at the alarm clock on the other nightstand, taking in the bright red light. It was almost nine.

He was keenly aware of himself then. It was a strange feeling of otherness that he hadn’t experienced in quite some time. The stares and quiet tension from last night reminded him of the almost familiar looks he’d gotten used to from no-name strangers. Now, though, it was from Dean’s family and people that he should had felt comfortable with. Regardless of what their intentions were, it had the same impact.

A series of muffled voices broke his thoughts and he knew that he should try to go downstairs to visit. He supposed they were all having breakfast and enjoying each other’s company. The thought of moving sounded terrible.

Castiel breathed in then pulled himself up so he could sit. He winced as a shooting pain ran through his shoulder and waited a few moments before he grabbed his pill organizer. While he took his medication, his ears perked at the sound of footsteps outside the bedroom door.

“Hey, you’re awake,” Castiel glanced to the door and watched as Dean walked in with a soft smile. His brows furrowed while he sat on the bed. “You look terrible.”

Castiel smirked. “Thanks.”

“Really,” Dean continued as Castiel sat the glass on the nightstand again. “Did you sleep alright?”

“Somewhat. My shoulder is killing me,” Castiel hesitated for a couple seconds as his eyes slowly closed and he brought his hand to his nose to stifle two sneezes. “And I need my allergy medicine.”

“Yeah, the pollen level’s high today,” Dean nodded and slipped off the bed to their bags. “So, you wanna come down for breakfast soon? Karen’s making eggs. Sam and Jess are coming today, too, and we’re going to dinner tonight,” he looked from one of the dark bags to Castiel. “Is that alright?”

Castiel paused, unsure of what to say. Of course, he had already told Dean that he needed at least a day to recover from the drive and anxiety filled him as he thought about the expectations. Although he barely had enough energy to push himself up to sit to take his medication, it was obvious that Karen and Bobby didn’t know that.

He didn’t blame them for their ignorance.

“Dean, I don’t feel well at all. I can’t do that. I thought you were fine with me resting for the day? Could you get me one of the shoulder wraps please?” When Dean nodded, Castiel felt the distance grow between them. The slight tension in the room didn’t help his anxiety as he watched Dean rummage through his bag for a wrap and the allergy medication, his eyes softened. “Could you put it on my shoulder for me? I can’t—”

“Yeah, I can,” Dean grabbed one of the wraps and medicine then sat on the bed next to Castiel. “Which shoulder is it?”

“The right,” Castiel said, feeling Dean lift up his shirt and a shooting pain in the joints of his fingers made it harder to open the allergy medication. He needed to say something. “I’m sorry.”

Dean huffed under his breath. “Cas, don’t.”

Castiel stayed silent as Dean laid the wrap on his shoulder after that. It was rare that Dean ever shut him out and he wished that he could recover faster because this all meant so much to Dean. Castiel could only do so much and he couldn’t even open a pill bottle.

He sighed as the bottle gave way and opened. Dean’s hands ran down his shoulder as he smoothed the material down then pulled down his shirt again. He relaxed under Dean as the other man’s hands hovered longer than needed. It was times like these when he craved and pushed away attention.

Finally, Dean’s hands fell to his sides again as he slipped off the bed.

“You must be hungry, though,” Dean said, looking at Castiel. “I can bring you some breakfast.”

“I’d love that.”

Dean nodded then walked out of the room and downstairs. He took a deep breath and gave Karen a tight-lipped smile when he walked into the kitchen.

Karen looked from the sizzling bacon in the pan on the stove. “Is Castiel coming down?”

“Uh, no,” he continued when Karen frowned. “He’s not feeling well. I’m going to bring him breakfast.”

Dean didn’t comment when Karen nodded and went back to the stove. He walked to the cabinet on Karen’s right, grabbed a plate, then began shoveling some scrambled eggs from the pan on the stove onto it. Dean placed the plate on the counter then opened the refrigerator, peering in with a squint. “Do you have fruit?”

Bobby glanced from the newspaper in his hands. “Since when do you eat fruit?”

“It’s not for me,” Dean said as he found a box of strawberries next to a container of leftovers. “It’s for Cas.”

It seemed the answer was sufficient enough for Bobby because the older man’s eyes trailed back to the newspaper while Karen took the bacon off the pan. Once he grabbed a handful of strawberries and put them next to the eggs, he walked to the other side of the kitchen to get a glass and fill it with ice water.

“We have milk or orange juice, too,” Karen said. “Are you sure he’d want water?”

Dean stopped and placed the glass on the counter, taking her in. Although she was short, she had always carried herself in a way that made her seem taller than she was. She could command a room if she needed. “Yeah, I’m sure. Promise. When I’m done, we can eat then go to the airport.”

“Alright, sounds good.” Karen’s lips flattened. “Tell him I hope he feels better.”

After Dean hummed in agreement, he headed upstairs and knocked on their bedroom door before walking in. He didn’t comment as Castiel straightened then yawned. It was clear the other man was tired and he didn’t need more proof than the heavy bags under his eyes. Dean was sure it was another reason why he didn’t want to come downstairs even if he could.

“I got you some scrambled eggs and strawberries, and water,” Dean said as Castiel cleared the nightstand of his medication and cell phone to make room and placed them by his side. When he sat the plate and glass down, he looked at Castiel. “So, I’m gonna go downstairs to finish breakfast then Karen and I are gonna go pick up Sam and Jess from the airport. Bobby’s going to the shop today. Are you gonna be alright by yourself? I don’t know when we’ll get back. Karen will probably want to do some shopping for the party. Do you have your phone on you?”

“I’ll be fine,” Castiel took his cell phone from the small pile of medicine on the bed and showed Dean. “Don’t worry so much.”

Dean’s brows furrowed. “You can’t even get out of bed.”

Castiel’s eyes shortened into a glare for a moment before his eyes softened. “Sometimes I think you forget that I’ve been dealing with this for almost a decade.”

“Yeah, and it doesn’t look like it’s been getting any easier,” Dean paused as if he realized a misstep before continuing. “I just want to help you, Cas. I worry about you.”

It was a common theme that was ingrained into Dean, the worrying and nurturing, and it was hard for Castiel to accept it. Of course, he immensely appreciated when Dean would step back and let him be. Those times were too few and far between then he’d like. He’d never tell Dean, though.

“I know,” Castiel flexed his fingers then took Dean’s hand and pulled him to sit next to him. “But I’ll be fine and if something comes up, I’ll text you, okay? Go have fun.”

Dean chuckled. “Yeah, yeah. Sam’s been texting me about this case he’s on. Hopefully, Jess and Karen can get him onto something else. Which reminds me, Karen’s already worrying about you. Told me to tell you that she hopes you feel better.”

“Did she?” Castiel hummed. While he didn’t want to think about the implications of the statement because he’d never be _better_ , it was hard. But Karen meant well, didn’t she? “Well, tell her thank you for the breakfast and that I’m sorry I couldn’t come down.” he tugged on Dean’s hand and pulled him closer to kiss him. A smile spread across his lips as Dean leaned into it until another shooting pain began in his shoulder. He tensed and pulled away. “Dean…”

Dean’s brows furrowed as he pulled away. “Cas, what’s wrong?”

“It’s just,” Castiel’s eyes squeezed shut as he took a short breath. “My shoulder. It’s—”

“All out of whack,” Dean cut in. “You sure you’re fine by yourself? I don’t have to go to the airport, you know, and you can’t even get out of bed and I don’t think you…”

Castiel breathed in slowly as the pain ran through his shoulder blade and tried to think of something to distract himself. He had been here before and he’d get through it. Dean, though, seemed bent on listing anything that could possibly go wrong and although Castiel tried to understand, it wasn’t helping.

“Dean, stop. You’re not helping,” Castiel opened his eyes and noticed Dean sitting next to him with his eyes squinted in concern. He took another breath as he tried to calm himself. “I need time, okay? I’ll be fine. Just go.”

“Alright,” Dean said, standing from the bed. “Whatever you want.”

Castiel sighed and although the pain in his shoulder still radiated, it didn’t seem to matter as he watched Dean walk out of the room. It was a quiet omission of understanding. They never seemed to get it right.

***

The sun was rising when Castiel woke up the following morning. His eyes itched as he rubbed his nose, immediately feeling the congestion in his sinuses. He hadn’t had to deal with seasonal allergies since he moved to San Diego and he didn’t miss it.

Castiel cleared his throat as he slowly moved Dean’s hand off his waist and onto the bed. He was grateful for Dean that he didn’t mind that he decided to stretch and practice yoga instead of joining everyone for dinner once Sam and Jess arrived. Of course, it set an awkward tone for him that he tried to brush off because it was for the best. Castiel couldn’t regardless of how much he wanted to.

It was evident that Dean tried to help him rationalize the situation and the fact that they understood after he came home for the night. Castiel had a hard time believing that.

Now, though, after a day of resting, watching two hours of Netflix, and napping on and off, he felt more like himself. When he slipped out of bed and sat up then noticed the glass he used yesterday was gone, his brows furrowed. Dean must have moved it. He hesitated at the thought of walking downstairs to get himself another glass until he felt the bed move behind him.

Castiel glanced over his shoulder as Dean buried his face further into his pillow. He seemed so peaceful. For some reason, it gave him reassurance. Castiel ran a hand through his hair then stood up, almost testing the strength in his legs. When he immediately felt like they wouldn’t go out, he took a tentative step to the bedroom door and became more confident as he went, slipping out of the room a few moments later.

The house was quiet.

It reminded him of early weekend mornings when he’d wake up before Emmi and enjoy the quiet with a cup of tea. Castiel wished the feeling was the same here. He took in the picture frames hung on the walls more closely than the night they arrived as he walked down the hall to the stairway, stopping at photos of Dean when he was younger.

There were photos from when he was a toddler, to his little league team, and his prom. He stopped when he noticed a photo of Dean from his high school graduation with Sam, Karen, Bobby and an unfamiliar dark haired man by his side. His brows furrowed for a moment as he wondered who it was. Regardless, it was clear that so much life had been lived here.

Castiel tore his eyes off the picture frames as he headed down the stairs, hearing the sound of sizzling on a pan as he got closer to the last step. He had half a nerve to turn around and head back to the bedroom until he heard Bobby’s voice.

“Karen, is that you?”

He sighed to himself, hesitated, then carried on. When he got downstairs, he turned the corner then walked into the kitchen, taking in Bobby as the older man cooked at the stove. He looked the same as when they met, flannel with a worn baseball cap and all, and Castiel was still incredibly intimidated.

There was a silent strength about Bobby that he picked up from the moment he shook his hand. It wasn’t fear, which he had a healthy amount of with his own father, but a clear understanding that the man had been through things that made him command respect from people. Because of it, Castiel wasn’t sure how to act around him.

Castiel tensed when Bobby looked to his left and took him in, obviously surprised that it wasn’t his wife. “Good morning, sir.”

“You don’t have to call me sir,” Bobby said, turning to the eggs in the pan then back to Castiel after a moment of silence. “How do you feel?”

Castiel paused. “I feel much better than yesterday.”

“I don’t bite, you know. Come sit.” Bobby glanced at Castiel again with a frown. Castiel walked to the kitchen table, pulled out a chair, and sat. “So, Dean told me about your pain a few weeks back. I’m almost sixty-six and it hurts like hell after sitting in a car for a few hours. Can’t believe Dean still decided to drive out here.”

The topic caught him off guard because the night they met, it seemed that no one wanted to even acknowledge anything was slightly different. Now, at half-past six according to the clock on the wall across from him, it needed to be discussed. Castiel could barely breathe out of his nose let alone talk about his chronic illness. At least Bobby was trying.

“Yes, well, Dean loves his car,” Castiel began, not knowing what to tell him. He continued when it was quiet for a few moments. “The landscapes were beautiful, though. There’s so much untouched nature out here. I don’t think we could have gotten to see all of it if we flew so I guess it makes up for it.”

Bobby hummed as he turned the stove off and scraped the eggs onto a plate while Castiel stifled a sneeze. He didn’t even notice when Bobby set the plate in front of him as he sneezed again. “Doesn’t look like it likes you though.”

“I’ll be fine after I take something. Besides it was worse when I was younger,” Castiel looked at the plate then to Bobby, his brows furrowed. “I thought this was your breakfast?”

“You’re our guest,” Bobby said. “I’m cooking for everybody so eat up.” Castiel didn’t argue. When Bobby handed him a fork and took the first bite, he melted into it. He wondered if all the Winchester’s cooked as well as Dean and Bobby. “If you think these are good, just wait until Karen cooks dinner.”

Castiel hummed in agreement. After Bobby walked to the stove again, he asked if _Star Trek Beyond_ would be as entertaining as _Captain America: Civil War_ because he sure it wasn’t possible. Castiel knew he liked Bobby then.

***

“You boys heading out?” Bobby looked from the television, a baseball game between the Cubs and Royals, as Dean and Castiel walked downstairs. “Sam and Jess already left.”

“We’re just going out by ourselves,” Dean led them into the living room. “Is Karen here?”

“She’s at her book club,” Bobby glanced at Castiel, taking in his light blue button-up shirt and dark jeans, then to Dean. “You showing Castiel around town?”

Dean smiled. “Yeah, everything the town has to offer.”

“Well, have fun,” Bobby said as Dean and Castiel headed to the front door. “Don’t forget that Karen wants to go out tomorrow.”

Dean called as he opened the door. “Got it!”

Castiel’s brows furrowed as he followed Dean to the Impala. “I thought we were just going to dinner?”

Dean stopped at the driver’s door and looked at Castiel over the hood. “We are. There’s this burger place that I think you’ll love unless you want to do something else.”

“No, not at all,” Castiel said as he opened the passenger seat door and slipped in. “Just dinner sounds fine.”

While Dean started the engine, Castiel grabbed the shoebox of mixtapes and started flipping through them. The past two days had been filled with closing the few gaps for the vow renewal and Castiel tried not to overthink of the impending meeting of the rest of Dean’s family and friends that were invited. Dean insisted that it would be low-key.

Castiel focused on Dean’s assurance as he helped with what he could and tried to get to know Karen during the process. He had been to a bakery, florist, and Target with her and Dean and it seemed like every time he tried to strike up a conversation, it felt awkward and forced until it slowly faded.

It stayed at that awkward pace with Castiel fumbling at conversations with Karen, who was basically Dean’s surrogate mother, watching her and Jess converse with ease, and trying again only to get the same result. Castiel didn’t understand it. He also couldn’t help but be a little jealous of Jess’s ease and while he knew that she already had an established relationship with Karen, it still irritated him.

Of course, he hadn’t brought any of this up with Dean. The other man clearly was enjoying himself and the time with his family. Castiel was, too, and liked having unfiltered time with Sam and Jess but there was something off. If he thought about it long enough then he was sure it was probably a combination of meeting Bobby and Karen and dealing with his pain in front of them for the first time and everything that came with it.

The awkward long glances or stilted conversations that alluded to if he was able to do something because of his pain were handled as well as he could but after awhile, he was tired of it. The only person he confided this with was Rebecca. Everyone else, besides Meg, would’ve spilled these thoughts to someone else and since he and Dean shared the majority of their friends, it would get to him at some point.

Meg was a different story. Castiel was sure she’d use it against Dean in some way and he didn’t want that, either. He just wanted to vent. Rebecca understood that. But venting through text messages could only do so much so when Dean suggested that they go out one night, he was more than willing.

“So, this is one of the best burger places in town,” Dean said as they drove into the parking lot of Taphouse 41. “And beer but they also have this bean burger. I think you’ll love it.”

Castiel took in the low-lighting and brick walls when they walked in, grateful that a hostess quickly sat them in a booth. He glanced at the menu for a moment then to Dean. The low lighting accentuated the fine lines near his eyes as he squinted at the menu. Castiel had told him multiple times that he could benefit from reading glasses but Dean always shrugged off the idea. The only time Dean briefly considered the idea was when Castiel told him that he’d resemble Clark Kent.

It was a silly reason, Castiel rationalized after he thought about it, but it worked. At least until Sam told him that Dean didn’t look like Superman at all. Dean just replied with that he preferred Batman, anyway. Castiel chuckled at that and realized he loved Dean more than he knew.

“Are you going to drink?”

“I wasn’t planning on it,” Dean looked from the menu to Castiel. “I have to drive.”

Castiel replied without thinking. “Well, I could drive.”

It had been a small contentious issue. While Castiel didn’t care about cars as much as Dean or care that Dean was the sole driver of the Impala, it caused disagreements when they were out and Dean wanted to drink. Of course, Castiel offered to drive so Dean could drink as he pleased but Dean never relented.

Also, Gabriel wanted Castiel to drive it so he’d tell his brother what driving an iconic car was like. The situation with his brother never came into play for Castiel and overall, he thought the rule was idiotic.

Dean sighed. “Cas, do we really have to talk about this?”

“What?” Castiel’s brows furrowed. “I don’t understand why this is an issue. I’m a great driver and Bobby’s is only about ten minutes away.”

It wasn’t even a discussion for Dean. He looked down at the menu again. “You know why.”

“I just want you to have a good time,” Castiel said as he tried to break him. “I trust you with my car. Don’t you trust me?”

Dean’s shoulders tensed for a moment until he looked up at Castiel again. He hesitated then relented. “Yeah, Cas. I trust you,” he grabbed his car keys from his jean pocket and gave them to Castiel. “No scratches.”

“Promise,” Castiel said. “Let’s have a good time tonight.”

Dean had always been funny. Castiel didn’t forget that fact, of course, but it seemed that he recently discovered it again as his stomach hurt from laughter while they finished their meal. The night progressed in a similar light with discussions of television shows, movies, and work and delved into heavier topics as Dean finished his second beer. Finally, after Castiel paid, Dean led them to the dart board at the back of the restaurant.

Usually, Castiel wasn’t one for the game because he always lost. But now, with a relaxed and tipsy Dean, he relented. Castiel’s nerves quickly dissipated as Dean helped him perfect his throw, even though it would hurt the other man’s score, with smiles and laughs. Castiel’s smile grew while Dean harmlessly teased him and once he finally got the hang of it.

They played three games and when Castiel finally won the last of them, without Dean’s help, he took the chance to brag. Dean rolled his eyes affectionately and rationalized that it was because he learned from the best. Castiel didn’t deny that fact.

Castiel smiled as he and Dean put their darts away in the small bin. “Obviously, is that a bad thing?”

“Of course not,” he pulled Castiel closer after they deposited their darts, letting his hands fall to Castiel’s waist. “C’mere.”

When Dean began swaying to the soft tune of Mumford & Sons in the background, Castiel smirked. “What are you doing?”

_“But when you feel the world wrapping 'round your neck feel my hand 'round yours and when you feel the world wrapping 'round your neck, don't succumb…”_

“Dancing with you,”

Castiel smiled softly at the simple words. Although he would have stayed there until Dean parted, his body tensed as pain suddenly radiated in his lower back. He thought Dean hadn’t noticed when he pulled away and tugged on Dean’s hand so they’d start walking to the front of the restaurant. “Come on, other people want to play the game, too. I wanna go home.”

_“But it's alright take it out on me…”_

Dean didn’t say a word as they walked through the restaurant, even as Castiel began walking slower until they reached the Impala. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Castiel said, taking a deep breath as the pain steadied. “It’s getting late.”

Dean’s brows scrunched when Castiel unlocked the car and he slipped in as his eyes stayed on Castiel. While things were hazy, he could sense something was off. “Come on, Cas. Tell me. Is it your shoulder again?”

“No,” Castiel glanced at Dean, watching his eyes soften, then continued. “It’s my back. I’ll be—”

Dean cut him off. “I can drive.”

“You’re drunk,” Castiel’s eyes widened until they shortened into a squint. “I can handle a ten-minute drive.” he pushed the key into the ignition and began the car, listening to Dean offer to drive over and over as the engine hummed. He turned to Dean before he reversed out of the parking lot. It was all getting to be too much. “Dean, I’m fine. I promise. You’ve had too many drinks to drive. I’m not going to let you because it isn’t safe,” his voice stayed low and even. “You’ve been there for me so many times. Let me do the same for you.”

“Okay,” Dean said after a silent pause. “Alright, alright.”

Castiel took a deep breath then faced forward, changing the gear into reverse. They stayed in silence on the drive home and an uneasiness settled into Castiel. Although he loved Dean, this wasn’t normal. After months of reading books about relationships, chronic pain, and the intersection of the two, he knew something was wrong.

He just didn’t know if Dean understood the same.

***

“Are you two almost ready? Everyone’s waiting downstairs!”

Castiel glanced from his laptop to the bedroom door and saw Jess at the doorway. “We’re coming. I have to send this email and I don’t think Dean is finished getting ready.”

“Hey, don’t blame me,” Dean said as he tied one of his boots from the edge of the bed. “Had to take a shower after Bobby let me look at a few cars today. Besides Cas has work to do.”

“Hmm,” Jess nodded as she walked into the bedroom then sat on the bed, peering at the screen of the laptop. “What are you working on?”

Castiel tapped on the ‘enter’ button again, trying to send the email to his colleagues. “Just the first edit for this article about a recent outbreak of meningitis at some public schools in the city.”

“Oh,” Jess chuckled. “How fun.”

Dean glanced over his shoulder. “That’s not even one of the worst ones. He’s been editing plenty of articles about the how Clinton and Trump’s proposed health care systems would affect the poor. But there was an awesome article about using marijuana as an alternative to prescription pills and all that.”

“I’ve heard of that,” Jess said. “One of my friend’s boyfriend’s uses this oil concentrate that works well for his seizures.”

Castiel couldn’t deny his relative interest in trying medical marijuana. While he had been aware of it through his own research for pain relief and news articles about its legalization, it seemed like a popular topic of discussion after he joined Daily Strength. Almost half of them had tried it or replaced their prescription medication with it.

He wasn’t quite sure why he hadn’t considered it since he had tried almost everything else to manage his pain. Maybe it had to do with the years of indoctrinating him and his siblings with the idea that drugs were temptations sent from the devil to leave a person brain-dead. Castiel still vividly remembered the potent smell of marijuana at Gabriel’s the first two years he moved to California.

Regardless of how long ago those scare tactics were used or how many facts he’d gain about it, hesitation still had a mental block on his desire to try the drug.

“Alright,” Dean stood up from the bed, turning to Castiel and Jess as his arms fell to his sides. “I’m ready when you are.” Castiel hummed in acknowledgment as he stared at the ‘sent’ notification for the email before he turned his laptop off then closed it. He slipped off the bed, grabbed his cell phone from his nightstand, and walked out of the room behind Jess, momentarily stopping when Dean asked, “You need anything before we go?”

“I’m fine,” Castiel said as he turned to Dean, taking the other man’s hand. “Promise, really. We’re only seeing where the ceremony is and dinner, right? I feel okay today.”

Dean took a breath. “Alright, alright.”

Castiel kept his eyes on Dean for a long moment, squeezing his hand, before he turned to the stairs and walked down to the living room. The two had been in Sioux Falls for four days and it seemed that after Jess and Sam’s arrival, Castiel’s nerves slowed because their presence gave their trip a familiar tone to it.

“Hey, you finally made it,” Sam smiled from the couch. “Thought we’d never see you guys again.”

Dean rolled his eyes. “Yeah, very funny. Come on, I want to see where the big day’s gonna be held.”

“Hold on,” Bobby said as he grabbed his keys. “We won’t have enough room in my car so we’ll have to take two cars so whoever wants–”

“Cas and I’ll take the Impala,” Dean said. “We’ll follow you, alright?”

Bobby nodded. “Whatever works.”

Dean kept his left hand on the steering wheel while he lowered the volume on the stereo as they followed Bobby down the highway. He smirked when Castiel admitted he was surprised that Sioux Falls wasn’t smaller and was actually a sizable town. When he asked Castiel what he expected, the other man shrugged and said he hadn’t given it much thought.

This was all before Castiel’s cell phone vibrated and now he was practically glued to it. Although Dean understood that Castiel couldn’t take time off and needed to work when he needed, especially after spending a day on bed-rest, it still slightly irritated him. Castiel was on his laptop or cell phone whenever he could be and Dean wished he’d spend a little more time in the present than on a screen.

“People are still working?” Dean began. “It’s already five-thirty.”

Castiel’s bit his bottom lip in concentration. “We’re an hour ahead, you know.”

Dean smirked for a second before he pursed his lips to contain a smile. “Yeah, I know. I just hope they know that you’re not going to be able to answer every email or question they have when you’re here. You know, you have a life too.”

Castiel’s brows furrowed, looking from his cell phone. “Are you angry with me?”

“I wouldn’t say that. I just…” Dean glanced at Castiel. “You’re always on the thing and I know you told me you needed to work but we’re here for family and I don’t think you get that.”

“Okay,” Castiel began slowly as he tried to wrap his mind around Dean’s words and push down his immediate defense. “I’m sorry it upsets you but I have deadlines to meet,” he continued when Dean tensed, trying to remember some of the knowledge from the many relationship books he’d read. “But I’ll try to block off time to work that doesn’t interfere with other things.”

Dean’s nodded once then let his right-hand fall to his side, his palm facing up. Castiel slipped his left hand into it a moment later. “That’s all I want.”

They arrived at Strawbale Winery ten minutes later and Castiel gazed out into the open fields as Dean parked. The land was covered with trees and greenery around the couple buildings. After Dean parked, Castiel slipped out of the car then took Dean’s hand as they walked towards Bobby’s Chevrolet Chevelle as everyone got out.

“So,” Karen began as she looked out onto the red barn. “How do you like it?”

“It’s so cute,” Jess said. “What made you choose it?”

With that, they all headed to the main building. Castiel watched Jess and Karen converse in front of him and he tried not to be jealous. Of course, it was irrational since Jess had known Karen years before he did, but it seemed that their few conversations these past few days always fell short.

Dean broke his concentration a moment later. “Hey, Cas. What do you think of it? Ever wanna get hitched someplace like this?”

Castiel’s eyes widen for a split second as he turned to Dean. He hadn’t even thought of the possibility of marriage and it caught him off guard that Dean brought it up so casually. While he wasn’t opposed to the idea, he didn’t know that Dean thought they were anywhere near that stage yet.

“Um,” Castiel looked out into the field as he stifled a sneeze. “It’s nice. I think I’d prefer the beach, though.”

“Yeah, less sneezing with sand.”

Castiel glared then gave Dean an amused smile. “Don’t be such an ass.”

Dean laughed, head tilting back, as they walked into the building. He slowly quieted down when Karen began explaining that the restaurant and winery would cater their event. Castiel’s eyes trailed the vast amounts of bottled wines that hung on the red walls, impressed at the selection. He hadn’t drunk wine in years.

Next, Karen led them outside as she explained their vow renewal under the wooden gazebo. While Castiel looked around at the groups of people scattered around or sitting in one of the colorful chairs, he peered down when he felt softness press on his legs. He was surprised when he saw a tabby cat with green eyes at his feet.

“That’s one of the owners’ cats,” Karen said. “There’s a few around here. I’m sorry if you’re not a fan.”

Castiel bent down and stroked the cat. “I have one at home, actually.”

“You’re so lucky,” Karen walked to him, bending down to pet the cat when Castiel straightened. “We haven’t had a cat in years and even when we did, they were outside.”

The comment got a chuckle from Bobby and Castiel hesitated before he said, “Well, you’re always welcome to come visit Dean and me in San Diego. I’m sure Spoons would love to meet you.”

“Spoons? That’s adorable,” Karen stood then gave Castiel a smile. “We’d love to visit you two.”

Castiel’s shoulders relaxed and he would have been lying if the simple statement hadn’t lifted his spirits. It was progress.

The rest of their night was filled with wine tasting, Castiel opted for a non-alcoholic sangria and watched Sam and Jess as they tried to feed the numerous chickens that were on the grounds. Castiel’s energy level slowed as the night progressed until he stayed relatively quiet as everyone else carried the conversation.

When Dean asked him if he was alright while Karen and Jess went to the restroom and Sam and Bobby ordered more drinks at the counter, Castiel was tongue-tied. He didn’t want to do this tonight.

Castiel sighed as he held his glass. “I’m just tired, you know.”

After last night, he was trying to wrap his mind around how to diffuse these situations because they all seemed to start in a similar way. In fact, Castiel realized whenever he looked slightly uncomfortable, Dean stepped in. As if Dean was his knight in shining armor but instead of saving him from dragons or a wicked stepmother, it was his chronic illness.

Castiel didn’t want to be saved anymore.

Dean’s eyes softened like they always seemed to do when he found out these things and frowned. “You want to sit? I don’t think we’ll be here for too much longer.”

Before Castiel could answer, Karen and Jess began walking towards them with new wine glasses in their hands. Bobby and Sam weren’t far behind, either.

Karen glanced between Dean and Castiel, her voice full of concern. “Is everything okay?”

“Cas is tired,” Dean said.

“We can leave soon,” Karen turned to Castiel. “Would you want to sit somewhere? We’ll hurry up.”

Castiel’s heart ached as he looked from Karen and Jess to Bobby and Sam. They were all having a great time and he was just tired. He didn’t need to go home immediately. Of course, he didn’t and while he’d prefer to sit, he didn’t need or want this attention.

“Yeah, we can all sit somewhere,” Castiel began, tightening his hold on the glass. “But we don’t really have to leave. I’m fine.”

Karen frowned. “Don’t be ridiculous. We’ve been here all day.”

With that, Karen started walking to the seating area by the gazebo. Castiel sighed softly as he heard Dean tell Karen that he said the same thing. He gave up trying to get support from Sam or Jess because they seemed to go along with what Dean or Karen suggested. Castiel realized they didn’t really understand either.

They were all trying to help, right?

Castiel kept to himself for the remaining time at the winery as he tried to dodge questions about his health because it never seemed to matter what he told any of them. He let them say their kind words and leave earlier than they probably intended because they wanted to. They liked it.

It annoyed Castiel, though.

He was tired of being taken care of and looked at as someone that needed constant assistance. They had been dating since November the previous year and he assumed that the other man would have learned something along the way. But, ultimately, he hadn’t. Castiel was just another person to take care of like Sam or his father.

Castiel struggled to heal from the other extreme and he didn’t need to be stuck at the other end of the spectrum.

Dean carried the conversation as they drove home that evening, not seeming to be bothered by Castiel’s occasional hum in agreement, and announced they were heading to bed once they stepped into the house. While they walked upstairs and into their bedroom, Castiel tried to keep his temper in check along with the eye rolls and short remarks because he didn’t want to argue.

He just wanted to forget these past couple days happened.

“I’m going to take a shower before bed,” Dean said as he stood in the doorway, facing Castiel’s back. “You okay here? Do you need help with anything?”

“No, Dean.” Castiel closed his eyes as he took a deep breath. It was quiet for a moment as tension filled Castiel as he waited for Dean to leave. “Is there anything else?”

Dean closed the bedroom door then took tentative steps toward Castiel. “Are you sure you're okay?”

Another pause as Castiel tried to collect himself. He was just so tired of masking everything. “It’s been five months.”

“Five months?”

Castiel took another breath then turned to Dean as his eyes glazed over with tears. “We’ve been dating for five months, Dean, and you haven’t learned a thing, have you?”

Dean’s brows furrowed. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about how you treat me like I’m fragile as if I’ll break any moment and I’m sick of it,” Castiel’s voice was soft as the sadness that laid dormant for so long ran through him. “And I know you tell me you do it out of love but this isn’t love.”

“But it is,” Dean said. “I want the best for you, you know that.”

Castiel shook his head. “Does the best entail trying to hide everything to make you happy? To agree to this stupid road trip that kept me in bed for a day and made me feel guilty for not wanting to meet Karen and Bobby immediately? To try my hardest to keep to your schedule for this week? To keep you from constantly worrying about me? Because if it is, that’s pretty fucked up.”

“So, you didn’t even want to meet them?”

“I don’t mean that,” Castiel breathed as Dean’s confusion deepened. “Of course, I wanted to meet them. I mean trying to mask my symptoms because I know you’ll coddle me if I tell you and I don’t want that. I never wanted that.”

“Then what the hell do you want?” Dean asked, his voice raising. “You don’t want me to take care of you but you don’t want me to treat you normally. I don’t know what to do. Everything I do for you is wrong.”

Castiel didn’t want this. He wanted Dean to understand and as tears began blurring his vision until they rolled down his face while his vision cleared, he wasn’t sure if it was possible anymore. After he folded his arms around himself and took a deep breath to keep steady, he tried again.

“I've spent so long hating myself for who I am. And now, I’ve finally come to terms with it. I just wish you realized that I’m not like you. I will never be like you,” Castiel frowned as another wave of sadness flowed through him and tears ran down his cheeks. He smiled softly then. “But I’m fine the way I am and that doesn’t mean I can’t be your equal. I deserve respect, Dean. I deserve to be heard. All I’ve ever wanted is that.”

Dean stared at Castiel and when he reached out for Castiel, the other man backed away. “I have. I don’t understand why you don’t think I am.”

Castiel whispered. “I don’t think you ever will.”

They were stuck in an impasse. It was obvious that there was nowhere to go as Dean watched Castiel fold into himself as he cried. Dean didn’t know how to fix this. All he wanted to do was fix it.

Dean pursed his lips as he thought. “I think… I think we should call it a night. I’m going to take a shower and you can do what you need.”

Instead of waiting for Castiel to respond, Dean turned and headed out of the bedroom to collect himself.

The house was quiet and he was empty.

This wasn’t what he wanted or intended. Dean was stuck and didn’t know what do anymore. When he finished his shower and wrapped a towel around his waist, he briefly thought about sleeping in the living room until he decided to face Castiel.

Dean walked slowly to the bedroom then took a deep breath before he opened the door. The room was dark as he noticed Castiel curled up on himself through the gleam of the moonlight that filtered through the curtains.

He couldn’t run away from this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this chapter doesn't come across as 'anti-Dean' because that isn't what I intended! This is just as much a love story between the two and Castiel's journey to self-love and acceptance. I really loved writing this chapter and letting Castiel have a bigger breakthrough than before. There are only three chapters left. Surprise!


	31. Chapter 31

“Karen, forty years ago, I promised my love and commitment to you…”

The clear and sunny afternoon at the winery was a beautiful backdrop for the ceremony. Dean watched Bobby and Karen exchange vows while their long-time family friend, Missouri, officiated under the wooden gazebo that was adorned with bouquets of lilacs and peonies. They seemed so happy and he was sure he hadn’t seen Bobby smile so much in years.

His focus wavered, though, as constant and minuscule distractions kept on either side of him. First, to his left, sat his youngest cousin, Gordon. The twenty-one year old seemed more interested in the game on his iPhone and the persistent beeping that went with it than an important moment in two of his family member’s lives. While Dean wanted to say something, it was evident that Gordon wouldn’t care. Then to his right, was Castiel.

Of course, the other man’s frequent distractions weren’t driven by his ignorant narcissism. Castiel’s allergies had been bothering him all day and his medication didn’t make a dent in them. It resulted in red, watery eyes and sneezes that he tried to keep quiet.

Dean stopped at Walgreens and bought three travel-sized packets of Kleenex beforehand. Although Castiel had already begun on his second packet, Dean tried not to put too much attention on it. It was a recurring theme that he quickly understood after their argument last night.

Castiel hated being the center of attention, especially when it was something he couldn’t control, and it was a fact Dean always knew in the back of his mind. It was why Castiel never liked big, birthday celebrations or attending book releases where speeches needed to be given. Dean supposed he should have extended that to Castiel’s chronic pain that tended to put all eyes on him during the worst times but he hadn’t.

Why hadn’t he?

His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of clapping and he joined in a moment later, watching as Bobby and Karen ended the ceremony with a kiss. In the corner of his eye, he watched as Gordon still played his game with rapt attention.

When they parted and walked off the gazebo, hand-in-hand, Dean easily saw the love in her eyes and he wondered what it was like to be clearly devoted to someone for so long. While he yearned for that, it seemed farther away than ever now.

“Dean,” Castiel began as he wiped his nose with a tissue. “I’m gonna go to the restroom.”

“Alright,” Dean said, taking in Castiel’s watery eyes and thinking he should have bought eye drops as well. “I’ll probably be by the grill with Sam.”

Castiel nodded then stood while other guests left their seats when Bobby and Karen walked to the white, wide tent that the winery provided. Dean watched him leave, head bobbing down every few moments to sneeze until he turned back to his seat.

Their argument had been left untouched and if it wasn’t for the tension that he felt whenever he was close to Castiel, it would have been as if nothing happened. He was sure Castiel preferred letting it rest until he was comfortable discussing it.

But with Castiel that could be in a couple days to a few weeks.

Dean learned over the past several months that Castiel bottled things up until they were too much then erupted which, sometimes, seemed to come out of left field if he wasn’t looking close enough. After noticing the pattern, he realized that Castiel was incredible at concealing his true feelings.

While they always got through it, this time was different because he hadn’t seen Castiel cry since he destroyed Balthazar’s car. He’d always been stoic, aloof, and slightly cold since the day Dean met him seven years ago after beginning his job at Goldenwoods. Dean remembered how he’d been intimidated by him during the first few months.

Now, while Dean still absolutely loved breaking through Castiel’s reserved exterior to get a shy smile or laugh out of him that left a warm contentment in his own body, it was a completely different feeling seeing Castiel’s vulnerability slowly slide into heartache.

Dean had seen Castiel vulnerable before, but it was because of his illness, something mostly out of both of their controls and that could be only be treated. He couldn’t live with the fact that he caused Castiel emotional distress because of a pitfall in their relationship, especially when he tried to improve time and time again.

Maybe he was naive, but he thought he had more time to figure all of it out. Castiel, though, believed he should have already learned the ins-and-outs of dating someone with chronic pain. Of course, Dean hadn’t and fucked up multiple times. Dean wondered if Castiel realized that he still fucked up things he’d been doing for much longer.

It all made him antsy.

Dean stood from his white chair and headed into the red building to order his first glass of wine for the evening. When he walked to the entrance and followed behind a blond woman that he quickly recalled from Karen’s book club, a sharp tug on his arm made him glance to his left. A warm smile formed on his lips when he saw Jess.

“Hey,” Jess began as she caught up to Dean, matching his pace. “What did you think of the ceremony?”

“It was great,” Dean slowed as the bar filled, finally slipping past a few older couples to the back. “Could easily tell how big of a softie Bobby is.”

Jess chuckled. “Oh, of course. Sam was eating it up, too. But I mean, you know how he is.”

The statement got an amused smile out of Dean. It was true, Sam wore his heart on his sleeve when it came to grand romantic gestures or sentiments, and he was sure Jess had teased him for it.

They eased into a comfortable silence after that. Dean took in the multiple wine menus on the wall that were categorized by flavor, his eyes trailing over the words. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t know anything about the drink, choosing between a sweet white or a fruity dry red wine, until Jess cleared her throat and effectively broke his concentration.

“What about Cas?”

Although it was a simple question, Dean couldn’t answer it. Of course, he could keep with the superficiality and tell her that he enjoyed it and while it would be true, it didn’t seem right to keep with the charade. He’d known Jess for too long to do that. He desperately wanted to confide in her, something he’d done a handful of times during his time with Lisa, but he wouldn’t.

Dean owed Castiel his word to keep their issues between them, no matter how much he wanted to tell her because Castiel’s trust was more important than a few moments of sympathy. It didn’t mean that it wasn’t hard, though.

“Yeah, Cas is all about this…”

Jess’s brows furrowed. “Marriage?”

“No,” Dean replied, feeling tension build in his shoulders at the thought. After everything with Balthazar, he knew the other man wasn’t thinking of the idea at all. “Romance, grand gestures. You know, these types of things.”

“Well, if marriage isn’t in the future, you can still show him off to everyone,” Jess said. “It’s been awhile since you and Lisa, you know? People are probably curious.”

Dean pursed his lips, containing the almost impending smirk. “Yeah… the Winchester’s have always been that way.”

He had been nervous about the ceremony the night before and up until this morning because of the array of things that could go wrong. Dean usually wasn’t someone that worried extensively, content in believing that everything would work itself out in the end, and it worked until he began dating Castiel.

Of course, he didn’t want to seem like he was blaming Castiel for anything if anyone asked about the sudden change. He supposed it was due to learning that Castiel was in constant fluctuating pain that could only be treated - not cured by a simple drug or surgery. It stressed him out to see Castiel in excruciating pain so he tried his best to accommodate and help.

What Dean hadn’t known, amongst so many other things, was that he could be too helpful. It was an oxymoron, at least to him, and he didn’t know what to do. Was he supposed to just sit and watch as Castiel battled his illness alone? It didn’t seem fair and why he tried to ease the pain which, ultimately, resulted in frequent arguments.

He didn’t want to argue, neither did Castiel, which left them in a deadlock with nowhere to go. The fact terrified and stressed Dean out more than he’d like to admit.

When Castiel showered, took his medicine, and got ready for the ceremony this morning, it seemed like a silent suggestion that they should let the conversation rest until a better time. While it made sense and he followed along, he hated it. Today wasn’t the time to discuss their relationship and the future of it.

Dean walked out of the building with Jess then to the grill to talk to Sam after he received his wine glass. The night progressed with a lightness that kept him in a good mood. He hadn’t seen Castiel since the other man left for the restroom so when he looked out onto the lawn, he was pleasantly surprised to see him talking to Gordon.

The corners of his eyes were crinkled as a soft smile sat on his lips until Gordon, apparently, made a joke that got a laugh out of him. His head tilted back for a moment as he laughed until he looked at Gordon again. He looked completely at ease.

After watching Castiel get to know a handful of relatives as Dean sipped on his wine, it quickly became evident that the other man could put on a good show if he absolutely needed to. While Dean saw this at the few Goldenwoods events where Castiel needed to mingle with authors and publishers, watching him freely interact with close family and friends was different.

Castiel seemed happy.

Sam flipped another burger on the grill then glanced to Dean. “Everybody seems to like him.”

“Obviously, he’s great,” Dean said as he watched Castiel laugh at something his cousin, Emily, told him as the two stood a few feet away from another group of family members. “I’m gonna go see how he is.” he patted Sam’s shoulder then sat his empty wine on the first white table he passed as he walked up to them. “Hey, what’s so funny?”

Castiel turned to Dean, the tension in his shoulders building then falling when he took in the other man’s demeanor, and his smile faded. “Emily was telling me about how she got her new haircut.”

Dean looked at Emily’s pixie cut, realizing it was a change from her usual long blonde hair. “How did you get it?”

“Well,” Emily chuckled as she held her wine glass. “Basically, Elliot got gum in my hair while we were playing a few days ago. Short hair for the first time in about,” her brows furrowed as she thought. “Six years?”

“It looks good, though,” Dean said. “Is he at Matt’s?”

Emily rolled her eyes. “Ugh, don’t remind me.”

Dean easily realized he’d said something wrong as Emily took a long sip of her wine. He supposed a lot of bad blood could have resurfaced between her and her ex-husband in the last five months since they saw each other last. “I’m really sorry,” he started over as she lowered her glass. “I didn’t know…”

Emily shrugged. “It’s fine, really. It’s not like I’ve been trying to announce everything between us.”

Dean nodded, feeling the conversation heading south. While Emily never liked discussing her relationship with Matt and all the complications with it, it seemed to have worsened. He just wanted to see Castiel.

“I don’t mean to be rude but I think I’m going to get something to eat,” Castiel said, a small smile forming. “It was so nice meeting you, Emily.”

“You, too, Castiel,” Emily said. “Enjoy the food.”

With that, Dean had missed his moment with Castiel. At least, until he finished a conversation with Emily. Thankfully, after the small and awkward blunder, they had briefly caught up since they’d seen each other at Christmas.

Although it was nice, he always got along with her, he was glad when they parted ways and he was able to join Castiel at the table he was at after he got himself some dinner.

Dean held his plastic plate that was full of food when he walked to the seat next to Castiel. “Is anyone sitting here?”

Castiel glanced from his plate to Dean, his brows scrunching together for a moment then softening. “No… you can sit here.”

“Good, because I’m starving,” Dean sat his plate down then pulled out the white chair, slipping into it then scooting closer to the table. He glanced at Castiel’s plate with grilled vegetables and a black bean burger. “Do you like your food? There are strawberries and pieces of watermelon up there.”

“I know,” Castiel said. “I’m not too hungry.”

Dean nodded and noticed how red his eyes still were. “Your allergies still bothering you?”

“Yeah, I can barely breathe through my nose,” Castiel lifted his wrist up to his nose to rub it. “It could be worse. I’m fine, really.”

The phrase put a sour taste in Dean’s mouth and he took a bite of potato salad to keep himself from saying anything. It was clear that nitpicking was the last thing Castiel needed.

Dean hummed in agreement and kept to his food, watching as people either mingled in the lawn, ate at one of the white plastic tables scattered around, or started walking to the makeshift dance floor under the white tent lined with string lights. His ears perked at the familiar tune that slowly grew a few moments later.

_“When I look into your eyes it's like watching the night sky or a beautiful sunrise, there's so much they hold and just like them old stars I see that you've come so far to be right where you are. How old is your soul?”_

Dean scooped a mouthful of coleslaw on his plastic fork as the song continued and he steadily zoned out when neither of them said a word. At least the food was good enough for him to almost forget about the tension that surrounded them.

“The cornbread looks so good,” Castiel broke Dean’s focus and he glanced at the other man, noticing his eyes on the plate before flickering up at him. “Is it?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t tried it,” Dean said before he put his fork down to grab the bread in the corner of his plate and took a bite. “You were right. It’s great,” he nodded. “Do you want to try it?”

Castiel shook his head. “You know I can’t.”

“I know. I’ll enjoy it for you,” Dean took another bite as Castiel watched with a smirk. It was a common thing in their relationship, Dean enjoying food that Castiel abstained from, and maybe it was weird to some people but it was an olive branch that he was going to take. “Let’s dance after we eat,” he continued when he saw Castiel’s hesitation. “No one’s gonna pay attention to us. They’re all getting drunk. Or… do you not feel─”

“I feel fine. My pain level’s been low today,” Castiel said then glanced at the makeshift dance floor and to Dean, his face less visible as the sun set behind him. “If you say no one will care about us…”

_“Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake and in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend for us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn…”_

Dean smiled. “Promise you won’t regret it.”

“Bold words, Dean,” an amused smile grew on Castiel’s lips. “I’ll see about that once we get out there.”

_“We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in, I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not and who I am…”_

After they finished their dinners, Dean leaned back in his chair as he listened to Castiel talk about the newest article he was editing, something about the cost-sharing in the Affordable Care Act, and looked out at the makeshift dancefloor as _‘Whole Lotta Love’_ by Led Zeppelin came to a close.

He smirked as he watched Sam try to stay on rhythm with Jess with a slightly panicked expression. His brother always had two left feet.

“So,” Dean said, turning to Castiel and extending his hand to the other man. “Wanna dance?”

Castiel looked at Dean’s open palm then to his eyes and hesitated for a moment before he slipped his hand into it. “Yeah, of course.”

Dean smiled as he wrapped his hand around Castiel’s, slipping out of his chair while Castiel did the same. He led them to the makeshift dance floor, passing couples and small groups until he found an empty area. Dean turned to face Castiel and gauged how he felt.

Castiel’s expression was cautious as he glanced at other couples before he pulled Dean closer. The action relieved Dean, his shoulders lowered as tension released from them, and he focused on the other man then.

While Castiel wasn’t one for dancing, Dean appreciated that he stepped out of his comfort zone more often than not to do it with him. Dean loved dancing. He always had and he realized a few years ago it was because of the physical closeness it provided.

Dean showed his love with action and the movement, rhythm, and emotion it conveyed was better than any simple touch he could give Castiel.

_“I keep a close watch on this heart of mine, I keep my eyes wide open all the time, I keep the ends out for the tie that binds because you're mine, I walk the line…”_

Dean’s left hand slid down the other man’s waist as the song progressed. Castiel visibly relaxed into him, pulling him closer and closer.

_“I find it very, very easy to be true, I find myself alone when each day is through, yes, I'll admit that I'm a fool for you because you're mine, I walk the line…”_

They fell into a slow rhythm with Dean leading them in a simple sway that let him focus on Castiel’s eyes. While his usual clear blues were surrounded by irritated redness, he loved them. Castiel’s infrequent sniffles were the only thing that filtered their comfortable silence until he cleared his throat.

“I’m not that bad, am I?”

“You’re great, Cas,” Dean said. “I love dancing with you.”

Castiel’s cheeks reddened as a small smile spread on his lips. “You’re just saying that.”

Dean shook his head. “I’m not. I’d never lie to you. Sam’s the one with the two left feet.”

The statement got a laugh out of Castiel and he peered over Dean’s shoulder to get a glimpse of Sam trying to stay in rhythm with Jess before he looked at Dean. “I guess it could be worse,” he paused for a moment as his smile faded. “Tonight’s been fun.”

Dean’s brows arched in surprise. “Really?”

“Yeah, is that surprising?” Castiel asked then continued. “It’s just… vow renewals are romantic, restating your commitment to someone again seems nice to me. It also helps that your family is incredibly nice and inviting.”

“And they all love you, too,” Dean said. “I was a bit nervous about today, actually, especially after everything that happened last night.”

There was a pause after the words slipped out of Dean’s mouth and he immediately regretted them as he tried to read Castiel’s expression for the second time. His eyes grew for a moment before his brows furrowed in his usual squint. Dean wished he hadn’t said a word about it because tonight was going so well. Now, tension rose between the two.

Castiel let go of Dean’s hand as the other fell from his waist while his breath hitched and eyes closed. He sneezed twice into the crook of his elbow then glanced at Dean. “I… I’m going to use the restroom.”

Dean nodded then watched Castiel slip pass a few couples and small groups while he left the dancefloor. He sighed, listening as _‘Love Me Tender’_ by Elvis Presley began, and wondered if this was it for them. Dean couldn’t live like this. The constant miscommunication and Castiel’s radio silence when Dean tried to understand what was going through his mind was becoming too much.

He still wanted Castiel despite all of it.

As the night came to an end, he kept his distance from Castiel. Dean felt rejected, especially when Castiel didn’t come back to the dance floor and he finally found the other man sitting at the table buried in his cell phone, his brows furrowed. It was a symbolical slap to the face for him.

The string lights that surrounded the white tent and the outskirts of the lawn illuminated the night sky as Dean stood near the restroom, waiting for Castiel to finish so they could leave the winery, a couple hours later. He was tired. Things hadn’t gone the way he planned, he wanted something romantic and honest, but it seldom worked out anymore.

After Castiel left him on the dance floor, he was sure the other man felt the same.

“Hey,” Dean blinked back into focus when he heard his brother’s voice, noticing he and Jess walking up to him. “Have a good night?”

Dean smiled softly, taking in Sam’s disheveled hair and Jess’s white sundress. “Yeah, you heading home?”

“He wanted to,” Jess said, leaning into Sam. “But the night’s still young and we have things to do. Sam needs to have fun before going back to work. Guessing you and Cas are?”

“Yeah, we’re leaving tomorrow morning. Gotta get some sleep before the long drive.”

Jess frowned. “Well, we’ll have to say our goodbyes before you leave.”

“Of course,” Dean said then pulled Jess into a hug. “We’re leaving around eight.”

Sam nodded then gave Dean a quick hug after Jess before they said their goodbyes. He watched them leave, hand in hand until his cell phone buzzed in his pocket. It was a nice distraction from the small hint of jealousy that began deep within him.

 _9:23 PM, May 14_  
_To: Dean Winchester_  
_From: Charlie Bradbury_  
_\--How’s the shindig going? You and Cas making out yet?! ;-)_

Dean could hear Charlie’s voice as his eyes trailed the words as a smile formed. He missed her.

 _9:24 PM, May 14_  
_To: Charlie Bradbury_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\--It ended a little bit ago. We’re leaving. Sadly, no kissing. He’s been ignoring me for the better half of the night_

The gray bubbles on Charlie’s end immediately began when his text message was delivered.

 _9:25 PM, May 14_  
_To: Dean Winchester_  
_From: Charlie Bradbury_  
_\--I’m so sorry, dude :-(_  
_\--Why is he? Do you need me to text him??_

 _9:26 PM, May 14_  
_To: Charlie Bradbury_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\--No, we fought last night. It’s a long story._

“Dean,” Castiel came up behind him, rubbing his right hand. “I’m ready to leave when you are.”

“Alright,” he slipped the cell phone in his jean pocket. “Let’s go.”

Castiel nodded and followed out of the winery, giving a quick goodbye to Bobby and Karen as they spoke to the manager. Dean kept his hands by his sides as they walked and let Castiel fumble with the stereo once they slipped in the car to drive back to Bobby’s.

“So,” Castiel broke the silence a few minutes into the drive while Ian Gillan's voice faded with the song. “I booked a flight for tomorrow back to San Diego.”

Dean’s brows furrowed, turning to Castiel. “What?”

“I don’t think I can handle another twenty-five-hour road trip,” Castiel began, eyes softening. “It’s best for both of us. We need time apart, don’t you think?”

“I don’t understand why you’re doing this,” Dean tried to wrap his mind around Castiel’s words, trying to find the right things to say, but he was speechless. “Do you really think I’d be fine with you booking a flight home and telling me the night before?”

Castiel’s eyes hardened. “I didn’t know I needed to run everything by you.”

Dean looked away when Castiel glared at him, tightening his grip on the leather steering wheel. “Cas, there’s a difference between running everything by me and being a decent person and telling me you’re changing how you’re getting home.”

Castiel’s voice softened. “I don’t understand the difference. Don’t you need time to think about where we’re going?”

A tumble of words halted on the edge of Dean’s tongue when the question was asked. It echoed through Dean’s mind and permeated the car. There was something telling about it and while he thought about their argument throughout the night, it was different when the question was actually asked aloud.

The idea that he and Castiel were at the end of their run became more concrete and he hated it.

Dean pursed his lips as he swallowed, trying to clear his dry throat, then took a breath to steady himself. “Why is this so easy for you? I don’t want time alone. I… I need to talk to you about this because being kept in the dark isn’t helping. I’m trying, Cas, but are you?”

A long pause filled the air and when Castiel’s hand grazed over Dean’s, he tightened his hand into a fist. Castiel wrapped his hand onto Dean’s and stayed. “We’re talking in circles, can’t you see? I think… clearing our heads will help, don’t you? I want this for us because I love you.”

Dean’s eyes glazed over with tears until they hardened. This was their new normal, wasn’t it? He looked at Castiel, a combination of anger and hurt inside him. “Do you?”

Castiel stared at Dean for a long moment then turned to the passenger seat window.

It was the last thing either of them said to each other of substance until their departure the next morning. Dean didn’t even know where to begin with Castiel and he was tired of pretending things were fine. He was tired of keeping quiet, he was tired of everything.

Dean kept the thoughts to himself, though, because Castiel wanted that. He relished in his family’s hugs as they left and sank further into the voices of his favorite classic rock songs while he drove Castiel to the airport.

Although there were so many things left unsaid, Dean only hugged Castiel and told him to be safe. Castiel hesitated then nodded and squeezed Dean’s hand before he slipped out of the car. Dean watched him for a moment and finally left the drop-off area when the car behind him honked.

***

There was something therapeutic about alcohol. Of course, there were so many easy jabs about enjoying the sweet relief of drunkenness that slowly morphed Dean’s memory and maybe that was part of it, but it was a vice he couldn’t quit. It helped him through his father’s death, Sam’s departure to Stanford, and now with his eroding relationship with Castiel.

Plenty of Castiel's belongings were still at Dean’s. There was his blue toothbrush in the bathroom, three heating wraps in the third drawer of his dresser, and an array of vegetables to work with if they had dinner here. Castiel’s presence filled his life for several months and now what?

Dean was giving Castiel space. It had been four days since they left Sioux Falls and he was glad none of their friends invited them anywhere. He wondered if Castiel felt the same.

Thoughts of Castiel filled his mind daily. It even began to be difficult to pass his old office at Goldenwoods because of the many memories it held. Maybe it was childish, but Dean couldn’t help it. If he decided to keep Castiel’s word to not go to their mutual friends for advice, things like this happened.

Finally, on the fifth day without hearing from him, Dean received a text message from Castiel while he sat at his desk on Friday morning. He easily tore his eyes away from the spreadsheet on his computer monitor when he saw that it was from the other man.

 _9:17 AM, May 20_  
_To: Dean Winchester_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--I hope you’re doing well and I also apologize for telling you all of this via text message but I needed to tell you this… I’m sorry for leaving things the way I did back in Sioux Falls. There’s no excuse, not being completely present during the ceremony and booking a flight home without telling you last minute. It was childish. But I’m terrible at talking about my feelings. Surely you’ve noticed. I’m not positive where to go from here. There are so many relationship books I’ve read these past few months and I’m sure we’re talking in circles. I’m not sure how to make my wants and needs clearer for you but I don’t want to end this with you either. I love you so much._

Dean reread the text message again, again, and again. He took a deep breath as he steadied the racing thoughts in his mind. The fact that Castiel reached out to him was a good sign. He remembered how Castiel’s silence would linger until he finally had to send out a signal - something to get them speaking again.

His gut reaction was to fall back into Castiel, trust his words to see him again. But after finding himself in the same situation as the last handful of times when Castiel told him he’d change, he realized they were going in circles. There were so many words, so many I love you’s, and yet here they were.

 _9:19 AM, May 20_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\--I know and words can only do so much. I don’t want to discuss this through text message but you’re right. We’ve been doing the same thing over and over. I’ve been honest about my intentions. I want to help you in any way I can. I’ve overstepped your boundaries many times, yes, and I’m sorry. But I’m unsure how to give you what you want when you rarely talk to me about it and when you do, you’re angry with me since apparently, I haven’t been what you want. I’m not a mindreader, Cas._

Dean bit his bottom lip as his text message sent. When a ding rang on his computer monitor, he glanced at the screen and noticed a new email from Becky, then looked at his cell phone again. Dean quickly sent another text message as gray bubbles continued on the other end.

 _9:20 AM, May 20_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\--If you want to talk about this some more, I’d be more than willing in person but I need to get back to work. Hope you’re doing well, too._

The gray bubbles stopped a couple beats after the text message sent. Dean sighed, exited out of the thread then closed his cell phone before going back to work. It was almost a better distraction and comfort than the alcohol.

***

There was a stark difference between Dean’s understanding of chronic illness from his first quick google search last August to what he knew now.

When he first delved into the numerous medical websites all those months ago, it seemed that he couldn’t learn enough because it was so new. It still was, now, but it became more comfortable as time went on. There was a better understanding, at least for him, and seeing Castiel use his cane or stay in bed all day wasn’t as much of a shock.

Despite Dean’s own belief that he had a better understanding of fibromyalgia, it was evident that something was missing. It was frustrating and he wished Castiel would give him more insight. He got the pain, the medical terms, and the treatments. There was something else, though, and it seemed that he couldn’t get there. At least he hadn’t yet.

Target was packed with families as they rolled their red carts through the aisles, sounds of crying toddlers and curious young children that couldn’t stop asking questions the following Saturday morning. Dean stood in the shampoo aisle, comparing the different shampoos in his hands, and wondered if there was any difference between his usual two-dollar go-to and the expensive bottle Sam used until a familiar voice broke his concentration.

“Dean?”

His brows furrowed and when he glanced from the two bottles into the aisles, he relaxed once he saw Alexander. “Hey, it’s been a while.”

“Yeah, it has,” Alexander rolled his cart closer to Dean then to the side before hugging the other man. “Shopping for shampoo?”

“Yeah. Very fun,” Dean said as he pulled away from Alexander. He placed his usual shampoo in his basket, grabbed it from the floor, then looked at Alexander. “How have you and Rebecca been?”

From the backward hat, worn black t-shirt and shorts, Alexander looked like a completely different person than from the night he met him. He seemed so relaxed and open.

“Not much,” Alexander said. “We’re getting ready for a trip to visit her parents back in New York. How have you and Castiel been?”

“We just got back from a trip to see some family, actually,” Dean tightened his grip on the basket’s handle. “It was great.”

Dean kept his word. It was the only thing he thought about as he and Alexander briefly caught up for a few minutes. He wasn’t sure if this was even something Alexander could understand because he wasn’t sure what kind of problem this was. Maybe their dysfunction had to do with Castiel’s chronic illness, maybe it was only poor communication or a combination of the two. He wasn’t sure.

After they spoke for a few minutes and told each other that they had to make plans for another double date, they went their separate directions.

Regardless, it wasn’t Alexander’s problem and they barely knew each other. Dean just wanted someone to talk about this with and maybe the other man would be if they were closer. Now, it was just him to sort this out in his head.

Dean went through the self check-out, finding distraction in scanning his items and listening to the consistent beeps, and pulled out his sunglasses when he walked out of the building. The sun lit up the cloudless sky and the thought of bringing Castiel to the beach crossed his mind as he walked to the Impala.

Castiel loved the beach, the waves, the sand between his toes, all of it, and even though it wasn’t on the top of his list, Dean liked taking him there. It was one of the low-energy activities that were more than only sitting inside and in front of a screen.

Dean pulled out his car keys from his jean pocket to unlock his car, trying to get rid of the thought.

While he missed Castiel, he wanted the other man to initiate this next conversation because it had always been him. It wasn’t fair. Dean was tired of trying to find a middle-ground between caring too much and not enough without Castiel’s input until it became too much for him.

He didn’t know what he was doing and it was clear that Castiel didn’t know either. It wasn’t fair to guess what Castiel thought at any moment, to try to talk to him and only get silence in return, or feel like a terrible person because he didn’t know what the middle-ground was yet.

Dean placed his bags in the trunk, pushed the top down, and headed to the driver’s seat as he remembered Castiel’s words of wanting respect, to be listened to, and for them to be equals. Although the words were nice because Dean wanted those as well, it meant nothing when six days had past and Castiel hadn’t reached out to elaborate.

He was so tired of being the one to reach out and Castiel constantly on guard.

Dean pushed his car key into the engine and turned it on, listening to Mick Jagger’s voice echo through the stereo. He was about to reverse of the parking lot when his cell phone buzzed in his pocket. Dean grabbed it, seeing that it was from Karen.

 _11:32 AM, May 21_  
_To: Dean Winchester_  
_From: Karen Singer_  
_\--Found some great pics of you and Castiel on my phone from the party last weekend. Hope you like them and will probably take some to Walgreens to print and save them! Love you_

Dean scrolled from the text message and took in the multiple pictures of him and Castiel. There were a couple of them standing in the grass, his hand on Castiel’s waist, pictures of them posing with cousins and family friends, a picture of them with Jess and Sam at their table with smiles, and his eyes stayed on the candid of just the two of them at the table.

Castiel’s expression was relaxed as a small smile played on his lips while he looked the same. Dean quickly realized it was after he told Castiel they’d be unnoticed on the dancefloor. It reminded him of countless times they’d keep to themselves at the Roadhouse while their friends played pool.

It was only them, simple and happy, and Dean wanted nothing else but that. He only wondered if Castiel truly wanted the same for them.


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone! 
> 
> I'm sad to announce that this is the last chapter before the epilogue! Also, I'm positive that it took some time for me to put this up because I don't want this to end. I hope you like the chapter and I'll be leaving a couple links about chronic illness/fibromyalgia at the end of this chapter and the next if you'd like to learn more. Thank you so much for reading!

There was something dehumanizing about having a chronic illness.

Castiel had thought about it before, countless times, and it always seemed to rear its ugly head at the worst times. When he met Bobby and Karen and had to endure their stares and questions that were well-meaning although sometimes slightly offensive, it was a perfect example of it. There was a lack of understanding that able-bodied people never seemed to grasp.

How could someone that looked healthy be so sick?

It seemed that people needed him to act in a handful of stereotypical ways to truly believe him. Could he laugh and have a good time around people without someone implying he was cured or dismissing his illness? If he realized that was the case with someone, he distanced himself from them. It happened with Zachariah a few years after his accident and diagnosis.

Dean was the only reason why he hadn’t become wary of Bobby and Karen.

Castiel listened to Dean go on about his pseudo-parents numerous times and watched as his eyes lit up in admiration for them. According to Dean, they were great. They were, really, and treated him nicely through the week. He also knew how important family was to Dean.

It was apparent with the way that Dean spoke about them, Sam, or any of his other family members he cared about. Castiel wished he felt the same about his own. Of course, there was Gabriel and Anna. Dean, though, had several family members that he deeply loved and cared for. It was something he admired about Dean.

Yet, he still booked the flight to San Diego.

It made sense at the time. Castiel couldn’t take another twenty-five-hour road trip, no matter how well either of them planned for it, and although everything seemed fine, it wasn’t. Dean’s hovering became too much and he couldn’t take it anymore.

No matter what Castiel said, Dean still reverted back to his habits. Castiel couldn’t talk about it, there was nothing more he could say, and he wished Dean understood that. He just needed time to gather his thoughts.

Still, with so much left unsaid, Castiel appreciated Dean’s hug when he was dropped off at the airport. He remembered the softness of Dean’s gray Henley as he wrapped his arms around the other man and the familiar scent of pine when he laid his chin on Dean’s shoulder.

The push and pull of wanting Dean and the realization that they still had things to work through left an ache in Castiel. He wanted Dean so much.

Castiel took a deep breath then pulled away from him. He looked into Dean’s green eyes for a moment, feeling the sense of hopelessness in them, then squeezed his hand before he got out of the car.

The five-hour flight gave Castiel a chance to mull over his relationship with Dean. While they had been together for a short period of time, Dean helped him change for the better. Finally, after so many years of being depressed and still hung up on Balthazar, he was living for himself.

When he thought more about it, it seemed like such a drastic change. Dean was there as a friend first, watching countless movies together and introducing him to his friends, to a partner as he stayed when Castiel experienced rough flares and different medications to his first road-trip in twenty years.

Still, he was on an airplane while Dean stayed on the road.

Castiel’s brows furrowed as he thought about why he was here, stuck between a young man and an older woman, while a baby cried a few rows behind him on a crowded airplane. Dean was perfect on paper yet he was still running away from something.

Was he so accustomed to Balthazar’s lack of care that when Dean gave him a trace of kindness, his instinct was to pull away?

After he spent hours thinking about it on a stuffy airplane, it seemed that it was. He didn’t know what to make of the small revelation. When he landed in San Diego, he hesitated to text Dean and only looked at his cell phone when he received a text message from Meg notifying him that she had arrived to pick him up.

Castiel’s eyes trailed the line of cars at the pickup station and zeroed in on Meg’s black Nissan. He gave her a small smile, put his two bags in the trunk, then slid into the passenger seat. Meg opened her mouth then closed it as her brows knitted together.

“You okay, Clarence?” Meg’s eyes stayed on Castiel until a horn honked behind her. She looked into her rearview mirror, flipped off the driver behind them, and pulled out of the station to leave the airport. “You look like a sad puppy. Was it not everything you wished for?”

Castiel sighed, watching as cars passed them while Meg merged onto the highway. “It was fine. Dean’s family is great.”

“But…”

“But it seems that Dean and I have some problems,” Castiel looked from the road to Meg. “At least I do. I keep pushing him away. I mean, he hovers over me constantly, but it seems like no matter what he tries to do, it’s not good enough for me. I just don’t know why…”

“Balthazar really messed with your head,” Meg smirked, glancing at him before frowning when she noticed Castiel’s changed demeanor. “What are you going to do about it? You’ve never had a problem pushing me away,” she continued when Castiel’s frown stayed. “But I can handle your attitude.”

Castiel’s brows furrowed. “Is this supposed to help me at all?”

“Hold on, I’m trying,” Meg said, pausing for a moment as she turned down the stereo’s volume and the hum of the car with the soft voice of Fiona Apple filled the interior. “You know what the difference between Dean and I is? I’m not your partner. You’re not giving everything to me, you know? We’re just friends. But with Dean… you’re giving him all of yourself. I mean, you guys have had sex, right? And spent so many nights together, this road trip, and meeting his family. It’s different from what we have.” Meg paused for another moment to gather her thoughts. “It changes things and I guess… Maybe his constant worrying over you is a way he wants you to realize that he’ll be there for you. He’s seen you during sex and through bitch flares. I don’t think he’s leaving anytime soon.”

Castiel kept quiet until a small smile formed on his lips. “I didn’t know you were such a romantic.”

“Oh my god,” Meg rolled her eyes. “This is why I can’t talk to you about this.”

Castiel’s smile grew. “Do you… do you actually care about my relationship with Dean? Am I dreaming or do you want us to work? Don’t tell me you like Dean?”

“No, I don’t,” Meg turned up the stereo. “Please stop!”

Castiel chuckled. “Wow, this is groundbreaking.”

Meg huffed then shoved Castiel lightly with a laugh. “God, you’re such as ass.”

***

When Meg dropped Castiel off, he stayed at the front door and waved as she drove away. He took a deep breath, watching as the last bit of her car disappeared through the trees, and reached for his cell phone in his jean pocket. His hand grazed it for a moment before he grabbed the house key and unlocked the front door.

Castiel was immediately greeted by Spoons, his meows constant as he sat his bags on the floor, and the cat quickly ran to his legs, rubbing his body on his jeans until Castiel bent down to pet him. Spoons arched his back in contentment then jumped on the back of the sofa, meowing again.

“Did you miss me?” Castiel asked, straightening, and watched as Spoons blinked slowly. “I’m sure Meg spoiled you.”

Spoons meowed again as Castiel pet him while his eyes trailed the living room and the kitchen. Everything was spotless and in its place. Meg must have cleaned and it was one less thing he needed to get done before he picked up Emmi from Balthazar’s.

Since his daughter had spent the last two weeks in England with Balthazar and his parents, he was sure she would have stories to tell him about the trip. It felt like he hadn’t seen her in so long. Castiel rubbed his lower back, watching as Spoons laid down on the back of the couch, then picked up his bags to unpack.

Throughout the afternoon, Castiel unpacked and let HGTV shows fill the house with chatter about subway tile and equity. After he took a shower and got dressed around four, he slowed down as his energy dipped. His cell phone stayed on his nightstand and kept quiet.

It was a weird feeling of wanting Dean to reach out and understanding why he wasn’t. Castiel wanted this, literally, and wished he could figure out his own needs without compromising Dean’s.

Although he heard Dean tell him over and over that he just wanted to help when things became rough, it never sunk in because the idea that Dean truly wanted to help without any strings attached seemed unbelievable.

Castiel didn’t trust him.

The realization came when he was putting his medication away in the bathroom. It sent an uneasy feeling through him and the question of whether Meg was right filled his mind. Balthazar had ruined the belief that he could be in a healthy relationship while living with chronic illness.

Castiel stayed in the bathroom for a moment to gather his thoughts until he heard his cell phone ding in his bedroom. He glanced at himself in the bathroom mirror then went to grab it, immediately seeing Balthazar’s text on the lock screen.

 _4:49 PM, May 15_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Balthazar Hyland_  
_\--Hope you’ll be here soon. Emmi misses you. You didn’t forget, did you?_

Castiel reread the text message and frowned at Balthazar’s tone.

 _4:50 PM, May 15_  
_To: Balthazar Hyland_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--I’m leaving the house now and I’ll be there soon._

He slipped his cell phone in his back pocket then headed down the hallway to get his shoes before he left the house.

Once Castiel arrived at Balthazar’s, he pulled into the driveway beside the other man’s new white Lexus. It had shown up a few weeks ago despite the fact that his Mercedes was repaired after he bashed the driver’s window and side in.

Castiel slipped out of his car, squinting as the bright sun reflected off the Lexus, then walked to the front door. Emmi immediately greeted him with a hug after he knocked while he watched as Balthazar came up behind her.

Emmi wrapped her arms around Castiel while he bent down to reach her. “Dad!”

“Did you have fun on your trip?” Balthazar asked. “How was the drive?”

“Go grab your bags and see if you forgot anything,” Castiel told Emmi then watched as she walked down the hallway before his eyes shifted to Balthazar while he straightened,“The trip and drive were fine. How were your parents?”

Balthazar smirked, his wrinkles hardening. “They’re wonderful. The countryside is incredible, you know that.”

Castiel hummed in agreement before he changed the topic. “And Andrew?”

“When did you get so interested in my love life, Cassie?” Balthazar kept his smirk until Castiel’s brows furrowed. “If you must know, we broke up. Didn’t know he was a drug addict. He hid it well, even when we went to clubs until I found him and a few of his friends snorting cocaine in the bedroom,” Castiel’s eyes widened as an array of questions filled his mind. “Emmi was with you when it happened. The house is cleaned and I fired him. Not sure why I didn’t catch him earlier but it doesn’t matter. He’s out of my life.”

Castiel opened his mouth to respond until Emmi came down the hallway carrying her bag. He took his eyes off Balthazar and looked at Emmi with a smile. “Are you ready?” when she nodded, he glanced to Balthazar. “Well, I’ll see you next week.”

***

Emmi dumped the sand out of her purple plastic bucket, watching it fall and disperse onto the beach. “I think I want to be a marine biologist when I grow up.”

Castiel’s brows furrowed, looking at Emmi through his tinted sunglasses as he sat in his red beach chair. “I didn’t even know you knew what a marine biologist was. When did you decide this?”

“I learned about them in a book grandma gave me about whales,” Emmi looked from her bucket to Castiel, her blonde hair softly blowing in the breeze. “I wanna become one to help the sea and all the animals that live in it. Well, that… or a superhero.”

Castiel smirked. “Whatever you choose, I’m sure you’ll be amazing.”

The sand warmed his feet while he watched Emmi put the finishing touches on her sandcastle. It was impressive as it reached her waist. Emmi backed up, her eyes trailing it from the bottom to the top before she smiled and turned to Castiel. “Do you like it?”

“Of course,” Castiel eyed the sandcastle. “I love the moat you built around it.”

Emmi’s smile stayed as she tucked a strand of hair over her ear. “Yeah, I love that part. Do you wanna go in the water?”

“I’m right behind you.” Castiel nodded and pushed out of the chair. He slowed his pace as his knees felt stiff until he finally stood next to Emmi, watching the water as it reached their feet. “It’s kind of cold, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, but I like it,” Emmi said as she dug her feet into the wet sand, the clear water rushing over them. She glanced to her left then to Castiel. “Watch how fast I can run from here to over there.”

Castiel smiled. “Alright. I’m watching.”

Emmi giggled then ran off, her long hair flowing behind her, and Castiel watched as she ran as fast as she could. These times were easy. Castiel appreciated the simplicity and was glad that the beach became almost like a second home for them.

After Emmi ran across the shoreline a handful of times, trying to beat her previous record, Castiel sat back down in his chair to keep watching. He waved to the parents of the young girl Emmi befriended then watched them play in the water. His eyes slowly closed while he leaned his neck back in his chair, letting his mind wander.

The memories he spent with Dean at this beach slipped to the forefront. He remembered the first time they went, Dean was self-conscious of his body, and he thought it was the cutest thing. It had become a staple of their relationship, especially once Dean began suggesting to go after Castiel came out of a flare.

Finally, after going numerous times, Dean took off his shirt with ease. Castiel remembered the feeling of Dean’s fingers that ran through his wet hair when they swam and the relaxed smile that grew on his lips. Sometimes, when Castiel’s pain stayed low, they would spend the whole day and eat dinner at one of the local restaurants.

Of course, Castiel would leave exhausted and noticed the tiredness in Dean’s eyes when the other man drove them home, but the familiarity of it all was comforting to him. Dean usually stayed the night and he didn’t mind the soft snores from him due to his allergies.

It was Dean and that’s all that mattered.

“Dad, I’m tired.”

Castiel opened his eyes to see Emmi with wet hair standing in front of him, her _Tangled_ beach towel wrapped around her. “Okay, we can leave.”

Emmi gave a small smile then went to put on her flip-flops. Castiel pushed himself out of the chair, rubbed his lower back, then folded it up. He listened to Emmi go on about the new friend she made, Felicity, as they walked to their car with their belongings in hand until they reached the car and she slipped into the backseat while he put their things in the trunk.

When Castiel slammed the trunk shut, he took out his cell phone to see if he had any notifications. It was a simple and involuntary movement, especially since he hadn’t checked it for a couple hours, and only saw a notification that his pharmacy had called.

Nothing from Dean.

Castiel frowned, slipped his cell phone back into his jeans, then walked around to the driver’s side door.

_***_

There had always been something different from his relationship with Dean than Rebecca’s relationship with Alexander. On the surface, it was easy to spot. Rebecca and Alexander had been together for much longer than Castiel had been with Dean. Almost anyone could point that out.

It took Castiel months to realize he was in the same boat as Amanda and how it was the fundamental difference between the relationships.

Of course, he wasn’t outwardly bitter about the damaging relationship he’d been in with Balthazar. He wasn’t constantly telling his friends in his support group that their relationships with able-bodied people wouldn’t work out and he wasn’t skeptical of the things they told him about their significant others.

He was, like Amanda, unable to trust easily.

The small revelation he had in his bathroom a few days ago came to light again as he sat in his living room while Rebecca spoke about her latest flare-up and how Alexander helped her through it.

“...he’s been giving me space after coming out of it and since I’ve still been pretty tired, he did the dishes tonight. I’m surprising him with tickets to see _Doctor Strange_ tomorrow night at the drive-in. He’s been wanting to see it.”

“You know,” Amanda began in the adjacent couch as she sat next to Cindy. “I don’t think you should have to reward him for being a good husband with movie tickets.”

Rebecca’s brows furrowed. “That’s not why I bought the tickets.”

Tonight marked the first Daily Strength meeting Castiel hosted. He was slightly nervous, hoping he had enough chairs and snacks for everyone, and relieved when he had both and then some even for the few new faces.

Since Emmi was staying at Claire’s for a sleepover, Castiel could listen to his friends without the worry that she would walk into a discussion that wasn’t age-appropriate. He listened to Rebecca explain that she could treat her husband to nice dates after a bad flare-up without making it out to be a reward for anyone.

While it made sense, Castiel periodically glanced at Amanda and took in her hardening eyes. It was glaringly obvious that she didn’t believe a word Rebecca said. If Castiel was being honest with himself, he understood where Amanda came from because it was clear she saw herself as less than.

How could anyone truly want to be with someone that dealt with constant pain and harsh flares without anything in return?

Amanda crossed her arms when Rebecca finished, clearly unsatisfied with her answer. “Well, I just think─”

“Did you bake these oatmeal cookies?” Cindy cut Amanda off and glanced at Castiel with a smile. “They’re so delicious.”

Castiel looked from Amanda to Cindy, taking in the cookie in her hand. “My daughter and I made them this afternoon. They’re incredibly easy to make. I can give you the recipe.”

The simple conversation became a distraction before Lynn transitioned to a different topic. Everyone knew how Amanda could easily turn the discussion into unfiltered negativity, something no one wanted, and Lynn told her off a couple times for it.

He was glad he had Lynn and Cindy to lessen the tension because confrontation had never been Castiel’s strong suit.

Sometimes, rarely, he could be subtle and avoid situations that he needed to deal with, but his hesitation was usually painfully obvious. It was why he preoccupied himself with small tasks or stood up to excuse himself before he walked to the bathroom when things like this happened.

Knowing how to handle confrontations when it came to his relationship with Dean was a whole other story. Since it was only the two of them, Castiel couldn’t rely on anyone else to help him through the arguments. He never knew what to do so he pushed away.

Amanda had the same coping mechanism and it took some time for him to notice. The constant negativity from her was usually brushed off as venting for him. He understood that. After a while, he finally noticed it only happened when someone mentioned something positive about their relationship with someone without chronic illness.

Although Amanda had been through a divorce, he noticed how quickly many of his friends seemed over the excuse. Apparently, it happened six years ago. He hated mulling over the similarities he had with her in that regard.

Sometimes, he wondered if he could have ended up as bitter as her or if he was as already there. He wasn’t, was he?

When he arrived at the question, he’d quickly switch his focus to something else because it couldn’t be true. He had great friends, an amazing job, a wonderful daughter, and two siblings who would anything for him. After everything that had happened to him, he was still happy.

He hoped that Amanda was, too.

The meeting slowly came to an end around eight-thirty when everyone became less talkative and more willing to pass the time by watching The Proposal on TBS. Castiel walked his friends out and spent a little more time with the few new additions to ask if they had a nice time until he closed the door for the night when Rebecca was the only one left.

Rebecca looked from the Tupperware as she put away the remaining oatmeal cookies when Castiel walked into the kitchen. “Tonight was fun. How was hosting your first meeting?”

“It was…. Something,” Castiel leaned his elbows on the kitchen island to watch Rebecca. He ran his hands down his tired face before looking at her. “Really, I liked it. I’m just tired. But… do you think Amanda is okay?”

Rebecca’s brows furrowed. “What do you mean?”

“She doesn’t seem happy,” Castiel said, continuing when Rebecca’s confusion stayed. “I get that she’s always been that way since I met her, but I don’t think she wants to be, you know?”

“Since when have you been thinking about Amanda so much?”

Castiel shrugged. “I don’t know. Do you really think she wants to be so bitter all the time?”

“I’ve known her for three years and she’s been like that since day one,” Rebecca said, sealing the Tupperware dish closed. “But maybe you’re right. At least I like to think she’d like to change.”

“I think she’s bitter about your relationship with Alexander,” Castiel straightened from the counter. “Since her marriage didn’t work out and it seems like she hasn’t really healed from it. I mean, it’s obvious she doesn’t think you can have a good marriage if you’re not constantly giving him gifts to put up with your illness.” he frowned as his brows furrowed. “It’s sad.”

Rebecca sighed, her eyes softening. “Yeah, it is.”

After they cleaned the kitchen and living room, Castiel walked Rebecca to the entryway, giving her a hug before she left, then headed into his bedroom for the night.

He walked to the side of his bed and turned on the lamp on his night stand, the low light illuminating the wooden picture frame next to it. It held a photo of him and Dean in t-shirts and shorts at the beach from a couple months ago. Dean’s smile was vibrant and big, his eyes crinkling, while his own stayed subdued as he laid his head on the other man’s chest, the sun setting behind them.

Castiel easily remembered their day, full of laughter and love, and it was the first time Dean suggested taking a picture together. It seemed so far away now. He bit his bottom lip, staring at the frame for another moment, before going to his dresser to change into pajamas. His routine was always the same, especially when his pain levels were low and easy to handle. It was therapeutic and when he finished and slid into bed, his eyes were heavy with sleep.

If only it was that easy.

An hour into trying to fall asleep, it was evident that he wouldn’t be able to. His left hip and shoulder pulsed with pain when he laid on on his side and it seemed that his right side wasn’t any better. Castiel sighed and decided to accept his fate, choosing to lie on his back and look at the ceiling.

While these nights were never planned or fun, it would have been better if he hadn’t had a doctor’s appointment scheduled in the morning before picking up Emmi from Claire’s to take her to breakfast. He flexed his hands, feeling his joints radiate pain while a dull tiredness stayed above his brows

Hopefully, he’d be able to sleep soon.

Castiel was used to nights where his pain would keep him up until the early hours of the morning. After years of dealing with pain-induced insomnia alone, he finally had Dean to help him cope.

There had been countless nights where Dean would lay in bed with him when his pain would keep him up, trying to figure out anything that would ease it. When it seemed futile, as it often was, Dean would hum one of their favorite songs or spoke quietly until he fell asleep.

The other man never complained even when they both finally fell asleep until in the early hours of the morning. At the start, Castiel would apologize and try to get Dean to go to bed. It never worked and after a while, Castiel became used to it.

When they woke up in the morning with bleary eyes, Dean would smile and tell him how beautiful he was. Castiel immediately rolled his eyes, of course, he wasn’t and stated Dean was far better looking until the belief slowly grew on him.

After some time, Castiel loved hearing the soft words from Dean when he called him beautiful or his sunshine. His smile would grow until he pulled Dean into a kiss. It was his favorite way start the morning.

For a moment, Castiel didn't feel like a burden.

Now, he was alone and in pain. He slowly breathed in and out, his left hand grazing the sheets on his side as he took in the emptiness beside him. A similar feeling ached in his chest. He missed Dean so much that it hurt and the realization that he needed him more than ever laid heavy in his chest.

Castiel hoped that he hadn't pushed Dean away for the last time. He closed his eyes and tried to fall asleep, no matter how pointless it seemed.

***

“Good morning San Diego! It’s 8:45 on this beautiful Friday morning and my name is Scott Breslin but you already knew that ” the man’s voice echoed through the radio. “We’re paying homage to the late and incredible singer-songwriter, actor, and philanthropist Prince. Coming up next, _Purple Rain_!”

The opening chords of the song filtered through the radio as Castiel drove to his rheumatologist appointment the following morning. He hadn’t seen Dr. Nguyen in several months because he hadn’t seen a reason to. His pain stayed relatively constant and was glad that Lyrica seemed to mostly work.

It was the only medication that made a dent without numerous side-effects. He was used to the weight gain, at least he wasn’t actively preoccupied about it anymore, and was glad that he was able to talk to Dr. Nguyen about his heightened pain in his joints.

Dean was still on his mind, too. Of course, he was and he was sure it was because he only slept for a few hours. Castiel needed to talk to him and finally, after almost a full week of silence, he was ready.

When he arrived at Scripps Mercy Hospital, he parked near the front and took out his cell phone. He pulled up his text message thread with Dean and read the last text message from days ago before taking a deep breath. He could do this.

Why did everything he text seem terrible, then?

Castiel frowned as he backspaced on the words he typed then slipped his cell phone into his jeans. Hopefully, the words would come soon. He got out of his car and headed towards the hospital, trying not focus on the nerves in his stomach.

The waiting room was filled with older women when he walked in, like always, and he found himself next to a middle-aged woman flipping through a magazine near the back of the room.

Castiel scanned the coral room and took in the clock on the wall, the red pacer slowly ticking. He glanced around again, everyone seemingly preoccupied with themselves, their cell phones or the magazines they read, and he took out his cell phone again.

He swiped into his text message thread with Dean and began typing, trying not to overthink the words. Although they were choppy, the words were his and he hoped Dean would understand that. After rereading the lengthy text message, he clicked send.

 _9:17 AM, May 20_  
_To: Dean Winchester_  
_From: Castiel Novak_  
_\--I hope you’re doing well and I also apologize for telling you all of this via text message but I needed to tell you this… I’m sorry for leaving things the way I did back in Sioux Falls. There’s no excuse, not being completely present during the ceremony and booking a flight home without telling you last minute. It was childish. But I’m terrible at talking about my feelings. Surely you’ve noticed. I’m not positive where to go from here. There are so many relationship books I’ve read these past few months and I’m sure we’re talking in circles. I’m not sure how to make my wants and needs clearer for you but I don’t want to end this with you either. I love you so much._

Castiel sat his cell phone on his lap and rubbed is right hand, trying to lessen the stiffness, before he heard a small ding. When he glanced at his cell phone and noticed that it was Dean, his heart quickened as he swiped into the text message thread.

 _9:19 AM, May 20_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\--I know and words can only do so much. I don’t want to discuss this through text message but you’re right. We’ve been doing the same thing over and over. I’ve been honest about my intentions. I want to help you in any way I can. I’ve overstepped your boundaries many times, yes, and I’m sorry. But I’m unsure how to give you what you want when you rarely talk to me about it and when you do, you’re angry with me since apparently, I haven’t been what you want. I’m not a mind reader, Cas._

His eyes trailed the words again as his brows furrowed and a frown formed on his lips. While the words weren't overly harsh, warning sirens began in his mind and a constant ‘oh my god, you messed up!’ and made him want to say anything to Dean to fix it. Before he could, though, another text message popped on the screen.

 _9:20 AM, May 20_  
_To: Castiel Novak_  
_From: Dean Winchester_  
_\--If you want to talk about this some more, I’d be more than willing in person but I need to get back to work. Hope you’re doing well, too._

Castiel deflated as he read the text message again, only to stop and look up when he heard his name called. A nurse in dark gray scrubs stood in the doorway that led into the hallway and to the patient rooms. He gave her a smile and slipped his cell phone into his jean pocket before standing up to walk to the doorway,

“Hi, I’m Heather,” the nurse smiled as Castiel walked into the hallway, shutting the door behind her. “How are you today?”

“I’m doing well,” he said, following her down the hallway and watched as she looked at her files. “And you?”

“I’ve been having a pretty pleasant day,” Heather glanced from the files with a smile. “So, I’m going to take your blood pressure and weight. Can I get you to stand on the scale?” she said as she led them into a small room and nodded toward the thin white scale that was against the wall across from them.

Castiel nodded and walked to it while Heather closed the door. He took a deep breath when he walked onto it, glad that the scale wasn’t electronic so he turned his gaze to anywhere but the number. “I’ve been trying to exercise more.”

Heather glanced from the scale with a small smile. “Aren’t we all? So, now I’ll take your blood pressure and lead you on your way.”

Castiel nodded and watched as Heather turned to her file before he went to sit down. After the two routine check-ups, the nurse walked him to the patient room and informed him that Dr. Nguyen would be in soon. He nodded, sitting on the patient table, then watched her shut the door, his eyes trailing from it to the walls covered in the same posters he had seen so many times.

After frequent check-ups and coming to see his doctor in worse conditions, he felt like he finally had a hold of his illness. At least he didn't feel like the weight of it was drowning him anymore.

A radiating pain ached in the joints in his left hand, then, and his right hand began to rub the fingers in habit. His ears perked when he heard a knock at the door, watching as Dr. Nguyen opened the door with a smile.

“Mr. Novak,” she greeted, shutting the door behind herself then walking up to him with her hand out. “How have you been?”

Castiel took her hand, shaking it for a moment and feeling the pain his hands. “I've been good. My pain’s been relatively constant.”

“Oh, that's great,” she pulled away and grabbed the small rolling office chair, sitting down across from Castiel. “But I'm sure you’ve come for a reason.”

“Well, actually,” Castiel said. “I’ve been experiencing more pain in my joints.”

It was the beginning of an extensive physical exam that Castiel had experienced years before when he was still figuring out why he was in so much pain. Dr. Nguyen began asking what his specific symptoms were, the frequency, and the severity until moving on to inspect every joint.

She gently squeezed on each finger joint, taking note of when Castiel winced and asked him how it made him feel. Although Castiel experienced this before and let Dr. Nguyen see him at his worse, it was never easy.

Castiel gave a sigh of relief when she informed him that she hadn’t found any nodules after she pressed on every joint. Apparently, they needed to take blood work at a different appointment but could complete the x-rays and ultrasound today.

“An ultrasound?”

Dr. Nguyen nodded. “It’s a newer and more advanced technique. While x-rays look at your bones, ultrasounds are more sensitive to see bone erosion and detect abnormalities beyond the bone such as joint tissue inflammation or issues with the tendon ligaments.”

“Alright,” Castiel said, watching as she went to her paperwork for a moment before glancing at him again with a smile. “What’s first?”

The thing was that Castiel was used to x-rays. Of course, there were the ones taken during his first rheumatologist appointment all those years ago, but there were also the ones during his dentist appointments or when Emmi broke her arm after falling off the monkey bars.

It was normal. When he sat down across from Dr. Nguyen after the x-rays so she could start the procedure, a familiar irritation grew inside him. He knew that he should be grateful for the advanced technology and his amazing doctor to help him through his new pain, it was still a reminder that he couldn’t get too comfortable with his illness.

If he felt that he finally figured most of it out, something new would happen. Surprisingly, he was one of the only people in his support group that were diagnosed with one illness. He wondered if it would change after the exams.

Castiel made small talk with Dr. Nguyen as she rolled the ultrasound probe on both of his hands, her eyes focused on the screen. Although living with chronic illness had been his new normal for years, there was always something new.

When Castiel picked up Emmi from Claire’s, she immediately began telling him about her sleepover with Claire. He was also glad he hadn’t gotten any overt criticism from Christina, only a smile and small talk as Emmi said goodbye to Claire.

“Claire’s mom helped us make a fort to sleep in,” Emmi said. “It was so big, dad! I wish you could have seen it.”

Castiel’s eyes widened in amusement while he cut into his egg white omelet. “Was it in the living room?”

Emmi shook her head. “It was in the basement. We should make another one!”

“We should,” he said. “How are your eggs?”

Castiel listened to his daughter go on, cutting into his omelet again, and his ears perked when she changed the subject.

“They’re really good. I wanna go to the beach again. Papa said he might take me this week but I wanna go with you… and Dean,” Emmi’s demeanor softened as her shoulders lowered. “Is that okay?”

Castiel’s brows furrowed for a moment. Dean hadn’t seen Emmi in months because of their busy schedules. It seemed that she liked Dean more than he realized. Castiel took a sip of his water to gather his thoughts.

“I’m not sure. We’re both busy, sweetheart,” Castiel said. “But we can always go. I’m sure Meg would want to go if you asked her.”

Emmi sighed. “Yeah, I know.”

“Come on, finish your breakfast,” Castiel said. “What else do you want to do this summer?”

While he was glad that Emmi quickly began listing the things she wanted to do before the school year began in August, Dean infiltrated his thoughts until he dropped Emmi off at Balthazar’s again and his lower back pain flared as he bent down to hug her.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Castiel glanced from Emmi to see Balthazar’s furrowed brows before looking at his daughter again. He gave her a tight hug and a kiss on the cheek. “Have a good week, alright?”

Emmi tuck a strand of blond hair over her ear. “I will. I always do.”

Castiel gave a softened smile before standing up slowly and feeling the pain in his back move with him. Balthazar’s unnerving gaze stayed on him as he said his final goodbyes and the differences between him and Dean were more apparent than ever.

For a moment, Castiel felt dumb for comparing the two, especially when he hadn’t been in a relationship with his ex-husband in years. If anything, it made Castiel realize that he needed to reconcile with Dean as soon as he could.

He couldn’t lose him.

***

“I have seen the pictures on Facebook and the photographer did a great job,” Castiel said then put down the pen in his hand and flexed his fingers. He repositioned his cell phone in between his shoulder and ear then cleared his throat. “But what about the cherry pie recipe again?”

_“Yes, yes. I’ll have to get the recipe out. Hold on for just a moment…”_

Castiel sighed in relief as he waited for Karen. After a few days of mulling over the text messages from Dean, he decided to invite the other man over for dinner and talk. He was so relieved when Dean answered his call and heard his voice.

It was clear that Dean was hesitant. If not from the frequent sighs than the pauses in his words gave Castiel more than a hint. Of course, Castiel understood and reiterated that they didn’t have to get together if he didn’t want to. After a moment of silence, Dean cleared his throat on the other end and accepted.

Now, he was in the middle of preparing their dinner of burgers and cherry pie. Maybe he was hoping that serving Dean his favorite foods, he’d be more willing to listen. In any case, he already purchased the ingredients for the burgers and was waiting on the cherry pie recipe.

The way to a man’s heart was through his stomach, right?

_“Castiel, are you there? I have the recipe.”_

“Yes,” Castiel said. “I’m here.”

_“Okay, great. This is Dean’s favorite. He asks for it every time he visits. Alright, anyway, the recipe calls for…”_

After Castiel wrote down the recipe, he thanked Karen and stayed on the phone with her for another half hour as he began preparing dinner. He was just thankful that he already had all of the ingredients he needed.

_“It was so nice talking to you. Hopefully, you and Dean will visit again soon, alright?”_

“Mhm,” Castiel said, as mixed the sugar and cornstarch together in a bowl. “We’ll have to talk about it, see when we’re both available to get off work. Thank you again for the recipe.”

_“It’s not a problem at all. I’ll talk to you soon!”_

Castiel smiled and took his cell phone from his ear when Karen ended the call. He sat it on the counter and glanced at the pot of hot cherries on the stove, biting his lip and hoping that it would come out correctly, before pouring the mixture in.

Dean told him that one of the reasons he loved cooking was because it gave him time to think. According to him, it was calming. While Castiel liked the reasoning and wanted to feel the same, a string of curse words kept under his breath as he tried not to overcook anything. After a couple hours in the kitchen and setting up two spots for him and Dean at the table, he was finished.

Now, he just had to wait for Dean.

The anxiety seemed to go from his stomach to his ears once he realized how quiet it was. Emmi was with Balthazar, Spoons was asleep somewhere, and Dean wasn’t supposed to arrive for another twenty minutes. He needed a distraction. Castiel glanced at the cherry pie on the cooling rack then to the kitchen table then walked into the living room and turned on the television, giving a sigh of relief when the sound of _Black-ish_ filled the room.

He sat on the couch, setting the remote on the coffee table, and tried to concentrate on the show. It worked as he finished an episode and watched the beginning of another until the doorbell rang. Castiel’s breath caught in his throat and he immediately turned off the television and headed to the front door.

The ringing in his ears began as he took a deep breath before opening the door. Castiel’s eyes trailed Dean, taking in his red flannel and weary eyes.

“I’m so glad you could make it.” Castiel smiled. Dean hummed as he stepped into the house, glancing into the kitchen for a moment before he looked at him. “I cooked burgers and baked a pie for dessert. I hope you’re hungry.”

Dean shook his head. “I’m really not.”

Castiel’s brows furrowed for a second as the similar warning signals that went off when he received the man’s text message in the waiting room of his rheumatologist began in his mind. This was a terrible plan. Clearly, Dean was ready to break things off and this was the final goodbye. He missed his chance.

There was a moment of pause as tension built in the room and Castiel took in the hurt in Dean’s eyes. The nerves in Castiel subsided into sadness as the realization that there was little to salvage crept into its place. “I know that there’s nothing I can say that can take away─”

“Then don’t try,” Dean said, his eyes hardening. “I can handle a lot. You know, my dad was constantly criticizing me. Nothing was ever good enough, not my grades in school, my girlfriends, how I cared for the Impala, what I wanted to do with my life. Nothing. Then there the nights when Sammy would run away and he’d take it out on me until the kid came back. Those were the worst. But I survived,” the anger in Dean’s eyes softened. “I’m fine with the flares, the moodiness, all of it. But constantly pushing me away, even when you’re meeting my family? Meeting my family means something. It doesn’t mean maybe, I’m not sure, I don’t know. It definitely doesn’t mean that I’m going to leave when things get hard so you better push me away even more by buying a fucking plane ticket without telling me until the morning of. It means that you love someone and want them to meet some of the most important people in your life because you actually see a future with them.”

Castiel’s voice stayed soft. “I see a future with you. I’m so sorry for pushing you away. It’s childish and I was wrong. All this time I’ve been scared that you’d leave me because of who I am and what I go through but now, I know that you won’t. I truly understand that and I trust you. I choose you, Dean. I’ll choose you again, again, and again.”

“It doesn’t work that way,” Dean’s brows furrowed as he stepped closer to Castiel. “You can’t invite me here, tell me you can’t live without me and expect─What am I supposed to do with that, Cas? I’m supposed to make it all right for you? I can’t anymore.”

“I don’t want you to,” Castiel said. “I love you. I’m not here to tell you that I can’t live without you. I can. I just don’t want to.”

Dean swallowed slowly, keeping his eyes on Castiel. “I… I need time to think.”

Castiel nodded then watched Dean turned and headed out of the front door. He deflated as he listened to it close and wanted to curl up on himself. This was it. Castiel stared at the door for a moment before going back into the kitchen to put everything away.  
Although he didn’t want to think that tonight was futile, it was hard as the hurt swirled inside him. He lost the only person that was willing to understand and loved him for who he was. Now, he was alone again.

Castiel took a deep breath to steady himself as he grabbed Tupperware for the cheeseburgers from one of the lower cabinets. He rubbed his lower back as he straightened, pushed the cabinet close with his leg, and put it on the counter. Of course, he spent five years by himself. He could do it again, especially since he was in a better headspace now.

The small positive kept repeating in his mind as he cleaned the kitchen, he was sure it was because it was the only thing keeping him from falling into his sadness until he heard relentless and loud pounding at the front door.

Castiel’s brows furrowed as he glanced at the Tupperware then to the living room. It couldn’t be him, could it? He quickly walked to the front door and opened it, seeing a wide-eyed Dean. Instead of blank ringing in his ears, he heard his heart.

“One condition. You have to start telling me what’s going on inside your head.”

“Always.” Castiel breathed a sigh of relief as a smile formed then pulled Dean into the entryway and into a kiss. “Always, always, always.”

Castiel never expected something like this to happen to him. Five years prior, he was depressed, sick, and alone. Now, he was doing alright. He was with Dean - someone that saw him through thick and thin and never left. Of course, things were still messy and he was still chronically ill.

But if this was it, that would be completely fine. He was here and happy with it all.

_Finally._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As stated in the notes before the chapter, here are a couple links if you'd like to learn more about chronic illness and fibromyalgia:
> 
>  [Chronic Pain Association](https://theacpa.org/)  
> [The Mighty: Fibromyalgia](https://themighty.com/fibromyalgia/)  
> [Fibromyalgia News Today](https://fibromyalgianewstoday.com/)
> 
>  While I have so much to say regarding this fic, I'll wait for the epilogue. Again, thank you for reading and comments are always appreciated!


	33. Epilogue

_October 2, 2020_

“As you can see, Mr. Novak, from the soft tissue swelling and narrowing joint space in your hands,” Dr. Rivera outlined the x-ray of his hands with her pointer finger then glanced down at her notes. “And your blood work indicating high levels of anti-CCP and inflammation,” she looked from her notes to Castiel. “It’s apparent you have rheumatoid arthritis.”

It wasn’t supposed to happen like this.

Castiel glanced from the x-rays to Dr. Rivera, her features soft and caring, and tried to ignore the pain in his hands. He took a deep breath. “Okay, well, where do we go from here?”

Dr. Rivera smiled softly. “Since we found it relatively early, it’ll be easier to treat. Therapy typically gives most people good or excellent relief of symptoms and lets them keep functioning at, or near, normal levels. Hopefully, we can get it into remission…”

An array of thoughts filled his mind as Dr. Rivera continued. Of course, he was happy that he finally had an official diagnosis after months of no’s and maybe’s but it wasn’t what he wanted to focus on today. He refocused his attention on Dr. Rivera for the rest of the appointment.

“So, we’ve set your goals and treatment plan,” Dr. Rivera began, looking from her files to Castiel. “Our goals are to stop inflammation, relieve symptoms, prevent joint and organ damage, reduce long-term complications, and improve physical function and overall well-being,” she glanced at Castiel. “Is that still okay?”

Castiel nodded, keeping his hands in his lap. “Yeah, of course.”

“Perfect, now let’s get to your treatment plan...” Dr. Rivera glanced at her notes then to Castiel again. “A combination of low-impact exercise, pairing 7.5 mg of methotrexate weekly with a folic acid vitamin supplement and 5 mg of prednisone daily, and I have a couple of physical therapists that I will refer you to. This is a lot to take in, do you have any questions?”

Castiel glanced from the paperwork then to Dr. Rivera’s eyes. “Not at the moment. Everything sounds good. It’s a little overwhelming,” he gave her a small smile. “Thank you, though, for everything.”

“Of course, it’s my job to help,” Dr. Rivera said. “I’ll write the prescription then you’ll be on your way. The receptionist will be able to schedule you another appointment before you go.”

***

Dean was the one to finally get him to schedule an appointment. While he pushed Castiel to look into it numerous times before, it was when they were heading to bed that Castiel took it to heart.

“Already done with the bottle?” Dean asked. Castiel turned to look at Dean, he was already in bed and had been for almost twenty minutes as Castiel finished his routine. “Thought I bought that two weeks ago?”

Castiel threw away the Advil bottle in their bathroom’s trash can then walked into the bedroom. “Yes, well, my hands─”

“Still bothering you?”

“Yes, the Advil helps, though,” Castiel said as walked to his nightstand and turned on the alarm on his cell phone. “I suppose I could stock up the next time I run errands.”

“Cas,” Dean’s voice stayed leveled, although the higher volume pulled Castiel away from his cell phone to him again. His eyes softened as he continued. “I’m worried about you. You know that. I worry about your health, your pain, constantly. And now this, your hands have been hurting for months. Who knows what this is.”

Castiel sat his cell phone on the nightstand and climbed into bed. “If it was that concerning then the Advil wouldn't work so well.”

Dean’s brows furrowed. “So well that you have to pause folding laundry to rub your hands or flex them while driving? If you don’t want to get it checked out for yourself then at least do it for me… for Emmi. She’s only twelve. Don’t you wanna be there for everything?”

Castiel stayed on Dean’s as he contemplated the words. He scooted closer to Dean and slipped his hand into the other man’s, his voice quiet. “I’ll make an appointment tomorrow morning.”

“Thank you,” Dean kissed Castiel’s temple. “That’s all I ask.”

***

The last five years had gone by so quickly that some things seemed like they happened a lifetime ago.

Castiel easily remembered his first dates with Dean and the nerves that ran through him. All of the long movies nights that were full of blankets, popcorn, and laughter. Their first, and only so far, road trip to visit Bobby and Karen. Finally, Dean relented and bought sleeping pills for any upcoming flights they took.

Of course, the dysfunction, especially concerning his relationship with Balthazar and Zachariah, hadn't been completely forgotten. Dean, and most of their friends, still worked at Goldenwoods and Balthazar was Emmi’s father after all. It was much easier to be around his ex-husband, though, because of everything else that had taken over his life.

Through his time at The Los Angeles Times, his role steadily increased as his peers and superiors noticed his skill and work ethic. It was overwhelming at the start. Although his mind immediately went to figuring out how to manage his pain with the extra work, he couldn’t help but become excited about the new prospects, too. Thankfully, his nerves were calmed when he learned his supervisors would accommodate for him.

The joy he had for his career was entirely different than his time at Goldenwoods. Castiel was supported and enjoyed spending his time with his colleagues, even at mandatory functions. He wished Dean felt the same about Goldenwoods.

Apparently, although Benny had taken over his position and was achieving more than Castiel ever had (according to Zachariah), Zachariah still wasn’t thrilled about the direction the company was headed. It impacted the whole office. Dean was more stressed and consistently confided in Castiel that he didn’t care that the company was becoming well-known for being one of the best publishers for small, and often unique, romance novels.

Besides, Dean couldn’t deny that he read one of the trashy books now and then. It was similar to his love of _Dr. Sexy._

Castiel gave Dean two shelves to house all of his novels when he moved in three years ago. While it mostly comprised of classics and few newer novels, a couple of the romance novels Goldenwoods published landed on them as well. Castiel hadn’t said a word because he was just happy that Dean was here.

Although Dean didn’t bring too many things from his condo, their friends still came to help. When Chuck arrived with a case of beer and Donna with a pan of brownies, it quickly dissolved into everyone hanging out instead. Neither of them minded.

So, now, their lives consisted of grocery shopping together, spending Saturday mornings on the couch with tea and coffee, and having dinner just the three of them. It was him, Dean, and Emmi and it was so _domestic_.

Castiel loved all of it.

He felt so cared for and loved, even when he thought he shouldn’t be, especially on higher pain days when his patience ran thin. Once his pain levels returned to relative normalcy, he’d complete extra tasks around the house. It was as if it was a silent apology for his temper and making up for the time where Dean needed to carry the house alone.

They quickly fell into a new normal and Castiel knew a little into their second year of living together that this is what he wanted. While he loved the dinners, the grocery shopping, and the lazy weekends, he didn’t mind the arguments either. Regardless if they were big or small, there was always a light at the end.

Of course, they discussed marriage. They discussed everything because Castiel didn’t want to make the same mistakes he made with Balthazar. While they rarely discussed Balthazar unless it had to do with Emmi, Dean understood.

It was one of the main reasons why Dean clearly stated what he wanted. Although he never thought about marriage, especially considering the type of childhood he had and fleeting relationships with women, it was never off the table. He was more focused on their current lives and he was happy with where they were. Clearly, he wasn’t going anywhere.

Castiel was fine with this. He knew what Dean thought of marriage and how his past experiences influenced his beliefs. It was why he was he was surprised when Dean brought it up again a few months ago. Apparently, he could see them getting married soon, something small and unassuming, and joked about how happy his family would be that he’d finally be getting hitched after all these years.

When Dean ended his reasoning, Castiel just agreed. He never hid his desire to marry, especially after the Supreme Court ruling in favor of same-sex marriage, and it had become commonplace since then. Castiel bought a wedding ring three months later.

And now, here he was.

He planned to propose tonight. He had everything figured out from the restaurant down to the words he wanted to tell Dean. After his rheumatologist appointment, the excitement was drained from him. Castiel decided to postpone it when he arrived at Walgreens to pick up his prescriptions and a bottle of folic acid vitamins.

While he drove home, his hands ached and a pulsing soreness began in his lower back. He turned up the volume on the stereo, hoping that listening to Bob Dylan would clear his thoughts.

Emmi’s bicycle laid in the grass when Castiel drove into the driveway that late afternoon. It seemed that no matter how many times he or Dean told her to keep it in the garage, it tended to lay in the front lawn more often that not. At least she was home.

Castiel was greeted by Spoons and the sound of Disney Channel when he walked into the house. He bent down to the pet the cat then put his car keys in the small bowl near the front door before he saw Emmi laying on the couch.

Emmi glanced away from the television and looked at Castiel. “Hey, Dad.”

“Your bike is lying in the grass again,” Castiel said, watching as she turned back to the television. “You need to get into the garage before dinner.”

“Crap,” Emmi’s eyes widened at the word for a moment before she stood from the couch. “Sorry, I’ll do it now.”

While he took off his shoes, he heard the garage door open. He glanced at the television, a show he vaguely remembered the premise of, then walked into the kitchen for a glass of water. Castiel listened to the garage door close while he filled up his glass and turned to lean on the counter as the door opened and Emmi walked into the kitchen.

“Okay, it’s in the garage.”

“Thank you,” Castiel said. “How was school?”

The afternoon progressed into the evening as Castiel spent time with Emmi and listened to how her day went while Spoons cuddled on the couch. Around seven, their commentary on the Discovery Channel show they were watching was cut-off when the sound of the garage door opening and closing, then the door to house doing the same, pulled them out of focus.

“Dinner’s here! And me,” Dean said, carrying two pizza boxes. “Project Pie for tonight. Starting off the weekend right and all that.”

Emmi stood from the couch and walked into the kitchen. “Awesome!”

Castiel grabbed Spoons off his lap and let the cat push out of his arms onto the floor before he stood from the couch. He watched as Emmi took out some plates from the cabinets while Dean sat the boxes on the counter.

Time had treated Dean well.

While the wrinkles and fine lines hardened on his face as the years passed, it suited him. Castiel noticed, and loved, the few greys that showed in his beard whenever he grew it out. It never stood a chance against the waves of grey that grew in as Castiel aged. Dean told him multiple times that he loved his salt and pepper hair and it was one of the reasons why he hadn’t considered dyeing it.

“Looks good,” Castiel said as he walked into the kitchen and surveyed the pizzas then glanced at Dean. “How was your day?”

Dean turned from the cabinet as he took out two glasses for Emmi and Castiel. “It was good. How was your appointment?”

“It was...” Castiel glanced from Emmi while she took a slice of pizza then to Dean. “Fine.”

It was a silent agreement to discuss the appointment later. They decided to keep the conversation light at the kitchen table with Dean talking about their plans for the weekend until Castiel brought up the middle school’s homecoming dance.

“Are you excited?” Castiel asked. “Is Claire and everyone still going?”

“Yeah,” Emmi looked at Castiel with a frown. “But Claire is going in another group with her boyfriend so…”

“Oh,” Castiel said, glancing from her to Dean and took in his shrug. “Well, I’m sure you’ll see her at the dance and she and Heather are still planning to sleepover afterward.”

Emmi’s smiled softly. “Yeah, Claire’s mom bought _Wonder Woman_ so we’re gonna watch that.”

“See, that’ll be fun. Dean and I loved it the first time we saw it,” Castiel said and watched as Emmi’s eyes widened a little before he continued. “But we won’t watch it with you guys. Don’t worry.”

Emmi smiled and rolled her eyes. “Thank God.”

The rest of the evening went without incident as they finished dinner and Dean nursed a beer as they all watched a movie before Emmi went to bed. Castiel put on the local news as Dean stood up and headed into the kitchen for another beer.

“So, the appointment?” Dean asked. Castiel turned to Dean and watched him walk into the living room again with a beer in hand. “What’d they say?”

“Well, apparently,” Castiel began, looking at his hands as Dean sat next to him on the couch then to him. “I have rheumatoid arthritis.”

“Oh.”

“So, I’m supposed to take this medication called methotrexate once a week, something called prednisone daily and I’m supposed to take a folic acid supplement the other days” Castiel took in Dean’s softening eyes then grabbed his hand. “My rheumatologist is referring me to a physical therapist, too. She seemed positive about it.”

Dean frowned. “How serious is it?”

Castiel never imagined that this was how he was going to spend the evening. It was difficult to relay all the information his rheumatologist gave him that afternoon. He was just glad that Dean kept his hand in his until they called it a night an hour later. It was a reminder that Dean was still here after everything and decided to stay for this.

For a moment, he thought he was going to cry.

***

Castiel steadied his breathing as he and Dean watched _The Hateful Eight_ the following evening. After Emmi was picked up by Heather’s mom to take them to the homecoming dance, Dean suggested the movie as Castiel took his medication.

He quickly agreed as he studied the medication bottles. While he was used to Lyrica and trazodone, he was still hesitant about prednisone and methotrexate. It was silly and in the back of his mind, he knew that. Castiel glanced at the bottles then to his hands.

The immense gratitude and relief always stirred inside him as he saw that his hands were still in relative normalcy. There was swelling, more so in his right than his left, and tried not to stare at the small evidence of early joint damage. It was vain. Of course, Castiel knew that and while Dean said he’d love him regardless of what he looked like, the thought of disfigured hands scared him.

He didn’t even want to think of the other complications that could manifest in the future. Thankfully, Dean was great with taking his mind off of it. He sighed softly, opened the bottle of prednisone, and tried to ignore the pain.

And now, here he was sitting on the couch and trying not to throw up.

Although he read about the numerous side effects of methotrexate, he never thought it would be this bad. He hadn’t felt so sick since he’d been on gabapentin. The nausea coupled with the dizziness that seemed to grow worse as time passed wasn’t helping his attention on the movie at all.

He cleared his throat then coughed into his fist as Dean ate another handful of popcorn. The smell of butter was getting to him.

“This part with Kurt Russell is great because-”

Castiel could barely pay attention as he watched John get on top of Daisy to punch her repeatedly before he vomited blood on her. His stomach twisted tightly as he looked at her blood-stained face and felt their dinner in his throat when the camera turned to Sanford Smithers on the floor throwing up blood.

It was too much.

Immediately, he pushed himself off the couch, headed into their bedroom’s bathroom, and fell to his knees without hesitation when he reached the toilet. A shiver ran through him as his stomach recoiled until he felt a hand on his back.

“Alright,” Dean’s voice was soft. “I’ve got you.”

Castiel took a deep breath then sat up a few moments later, quickly flushing the toilet. He cleared his throat and looked at Dean, taking in the man’s warm eyes. While Dean’s voice was calm and steady, it was clear that he was nervous by the way his eyes shifted to try to take him all in.

“I feel awful,” Castiel said. “I think it’s the new medication. Promise I didn’t hate the movie that much.”

“Yeah, I know westerns aren’t your favorite but…” A small smile formed on Dean’s lips while his shoulders relaxed. “Do you want to lay down for the night? We could watch something with less gore before I pick up Emmi and her friend.”

Castiel nodded. “I’d love that.”

Dean helped Castiel stand up and followed him into the bedroom before going back into the living room to end the movie. They chose to watch a documentary about The Doors until Dean needed to leave to pick up Emmi and her friend at school. Castiel felt awful about it.

He’d told Dean numerous times that he’d get them because he wanted to give Dean a break and wanted to hear what she had to say about her first school dance. Now, though, he knew he was too dizzy and nauseous to make the drive.

Hopefully, Emmi would understand.

“You can talk to her about it tomorrow or when we get back,” Dean said as sat on the edge of the bed to slip on his shoes. “Promise you won’t miss that much.”

Castiel gave a small smile as Dean stood up from the bed then leaned down to kiss him. He tried not to think about it. Things could be worse and he was sure he’d be fine in a few days.

***

Things progressed into a relatively new normal after a few weeks.

The tiredness and nausea subsided as Castiel began taking his folic acid supplement, met with his new physical therapist, and kept with his usual health routines. Of course, there was momentary dips that would damper his mood for a short while. The support from his friends, family, and especially Dean always helped subside the feelings.

Dean was right. Emmi hadn’t cared that he waited until the morning to ask her about the dance and didn’t even pass her mind. While his health steadied, he spent more one-on-one time with her in between their busy schedules.

Finally, in the middle of November, Castiel told Emmi that he planned to propose to Dean. It happened while they ate lunch at Hodad’s in Ocean Beach and he couldn’t prepare for her reaction.

“Oh my god,” Emmi covered her mouth as she finished her bite. “Are you serious?”

Castiel gauged her widening eyes and relaxed when she lowered her hand, showing a smile on her lips. “Yes. I just thought you should know before it happens. How do you feel about it?”

“It’s awesome. So… Dean’s gonna be my stepdad?” Emmi hesitated for a moment then continued. “When are you gonna do it?”

A great sense of relief flooded Castiel at that moment. He had read countless advice articles on how to tell children about a remarriage that he became nervous to do so. There were so many ways it could back-fire. Now, a wave of confidence hit him once more and he was more than ready to propose.

***

“You look great.”

“Yeah, I do,” Dean said. He and Castiel looked into their bedroom’s full-length mirror as they got ready for the evening. Dean turned from the mirror to Castiel, taking in his outfit and licking his lips for a moment before meeting Castiel’s eyes. “You do, too.”

Castiel rolled his eyes as he gave a sheepish smile. “I look absurd.”

“No, not at all.” Dean said without missing a beat. “You look… really good. Promise.”

Dean pressed a kiss to Castiel’s cheek then headed out of the bedroom. Castiel’s cheeks reddened as he looked into the mirror again, taking in his dark plaid shirt and light cowboy hat. If it wasn’t for Dean, he’d never wear something like this.

Considering he planned to propose tonight, he was positive he’d do anything for Dean. Castiel glanced at himself once again before he turned and walked into the closet. He hid the ring on the top shelf behind one of their storage bins. Thankfully, to his surprise, Dean hadn’t discovered it.

Castiel reached toward the shelf, moved the large storage bin, and immediately grabbed the box. He opened the small black box and took in the thin gold band. He knew it was the one the moment he saw it, as cliche as it was, and was more thrilled than nervous that tonight was finally here.

After a moment, he closed it and stuffed it into his jean pocket. He grabbed his wallet and keys from the dresser then headed into the living room, announcing he was ready to leave when Dean was.

When Castiel learned that Cinema Under the Stars was showcasing a viewing of _Tombstone_ that weekend, he knew he had to buy two tickets for them. Dean always had a thing for the Wild West. Although he suggested driving, Dean declined and they took the Impala instead. After seeing the slightly suppressed excitement from Dean, Castiel was sure the other man wanted to drive to complete his own dream.

The theater was a hidden gem of the city. While it wasn't anything fancy, it was a recent addition to their go-to places. Dean loved the outdoor seating and openness in the warmer months so when they saw the heaters and blankets, they were pleasantly surprised.

“Awesome,” Dean said, passing the wall of movie posters to their seats.

Castiel put a hand on Dean’s shoulder. “I’m gonna get popcorn. You want Reese’s, right?”

Once Dean nodded, Castiel walked to the concession stand and ordered. He smiled and thanked that man behind the counter that commented on his cowboy hat before he got the snacks and headed to their seats.

Dean picked a double seat chair in the back and sat the blanket that came with every chair on his lap as Castiel sat down. While his pain level was low, he was still nervous about the seats and the amount of support it would give.

“They’re comfortable,” Dean said as Castiel sat down. “But I don’t know about this blanket though.”

Castiel smiled softly as he handed Dean the candy. “They clean them every time. I’m gonna open it. It’s kind of cold.”

They sat close to each other as the movie began and Dean even decided to share the blanket with him. Castiel was sure Dean loved the theater because of the intimacy. It was simple and the details such as the twinkling lights and small tables with candles gave it a great atmosphere.

Dean took off his cowboy hat and mouthed all the words as the movie continued. For Castiel, it was absolutely adorable and he finally took off his own hat to give the people behind them a better view. Even without the cowboy hat, Dean still looked great with his bolo tie, dark suit, and expensive boots.

 _It’s not just the clothes, Cas,_ Dean told him, _it’s the whole image._

Castiel just agreed to this conclusion and looked more like a Midwestern farmer with his own jeans, dark plaid shirt, big belt buckle, and boots to match. Thankfully, Dean had the latter two things that he borrowed. Regardless, he spent the majority of the movie admiring Dean and thinking of their dinner afterward.

“I’m assuming you liked it?” Castiel began as they walked out of the theater, hand-in-hand. “You basically mouthed the whole movie until the end.”

Dean looked at Castiel with a smile. “Of course, I did. You can’t mouth the ending. It’s too good. What about you?”

“You know how I love movies with cowboys and tuberculosis,” Castiel joked, glad it got a small chuckle from Dean. “Anyway, I thought we could go to The Roadhouse for dinner?”

“You know me so well.”

After Castiel postponed the proposal, he rescheduled with Ellen and Jo in mind. He wanted to let them in on it and when they found out, they were incredibly supportive. Ellen promised they’d behave to let them have their time together so when Jo walked over to their booth with a smile, Castiel knew he was in good hands.

“Hey, y’all.” Jo looked from Castiel to Dean. “Long time no see. The usual?”

“Sorry, Jo. We’ve been busy. But yeah, the usual.” Dean said then looked at Castiel. “Unless you want something different?”

Castiel shook his head then looked at Jo. “No, the usual is fine.”

“Alright. ” Jo’s eyes lingered on Castiel as she smiled. “I’ll put the order in.”

“How do you feel?” Dean’s question pulled Castiel away from watching as Jo walked to the kitchen. “How're your hands?”

The question was frequently asked since Castiel’s diagnosis and the few rough weeks he spent getting used to the new medications. His joint pain hadn’t changed too much as the tiredness kept in waves. At least the folic acid supplement helped curb his nausea.

“They’re good,” Castiel said and placed his hands on the table. He glanced down at them then to Dean. “They’re not swollen tonight. How are yours?”

Dean smiled and put his hands on the table across from Castiel’s. Sometimes, Castiel asked the question to end Dean’s well-meaning questioning and Dean always played along. “Pretty good.”

“Good,” Castiel said, sliding his hands over to Dean’s and intertwining them together. “Let’s play pool. I’m thinking I can beat you this time.”

Dean’s eyebrows raised. “Really?”

“Mhm,” Castiel nodded before his voice grew a false concern. “Or, are you scared to even try?”

Dean pulled his hands back as he smiled. “Alright, come on. Loser’s gotta buy dinner.”

Castiel laughed and followed Dean to the pool table in the back of the restaurant. Through the years of being together and spending time at The Roadhouse with friends or just each other, Castiel became better at pool. It made the game more fun and because of it, they tended to become more playfully competitive.

They teamed up together several times to play against other couples, typically gambling small bets, and only stopped when Ellen told them she’d been getting too many complaints about it. Now, they played by themselves and bargained for simpler things.

Dean whistled as a few balls fell into two pockets, holding his cue stick. “Almost got them all.”

“Almost,” Castiel said as he straightened from the table, gripping his own cue stick. He turned to Dean with a smirk. “Hopefully you won’t, though.”

“Hm,” Dean pursed his lips as he passed Castiel and leaned into the table. “Yeah, hopefully I’ll do better than you.”

Castiel chuckled while he watched Dean. His focus shifted, though, when a sharp pain radiated in his right hand. His brows furrowed as he stretched his hand then stopped when the motion exacerbated the pain even more. When he tried to do the same to his left, a similar feeling grew and he immediately stopped.

Thankfully, Castiel noticed Jo at their table with their food. He tapped Dean on the shoulder after he took his shot. “Our food’s here. It’ll be a tie this time.”

“Yeah?” Dean looked from the table and straightened when he saw Jo. When he turned to Castiel, his expression softened from his playful smugness almost immediately. “Yeah, it’ll be a tie.”

Castiel’s shoulders lowered as he nodded. After they rearranged the pool table and put their cue sticks away, they walked back to the booth. Dean thanked Jo before she left and slipped into the booth with Castiel doing the same.

While Castiel still felt the pain in his hands, he still took the fork next to his salad bowl and began eating. It was fine for the most part and he could concentrate on his conversation with Dean until the familiar fatigue hit him.

Sometimes the pain came in waves and sometimes it came all at once. Through experiencing years of varying levels of pain, he supposed he preferred the waves that gave him a quick heads up with what was coming. It seemed that tonight his pain decided to come all at once.

He wondered for a split second if he should propose now before it became too much. When he reached into his pocket and his hand radiated with pain again, he pulled it out then rubbed it instead.

“My hands hurt,” Castiel sighed softly. When Dean looked from his burger to him, he continued. “It isn’t too bad.”

“The fork probably isn’t helping.” Dean frowned. “I’m sorry. Is there anything I could do?”

Castiel shook his head. “No, I just wanted to tell you.”

“We can leave after I finish.” Dean said. “We can take your to-go, too. Maybe they’ll feel better in an hour?”

Castiel nodded. “Hopefully.”

The open communication had gotten easier for Castiel as the years passed. He finally realized, too, that it was better to tell Dean the truth about his pain and the level of independence he wanted than wait until his emotions bottled up.

Once he grabbed a to-go box from Jo, she gave him a sympathetic smile. It was obvious that she knew that tonight wasn’t going to be the night.

Jo shook her head when Dean tried to give her his debit card. “Nope, this is on the house.”

“You don’t have to do that.” Castiel said.

“Of course, I don’t.” Jo smiled. “Your family. Don’t worry about it.”

A smile formed on Castiel’s lips. “Thank you.”

“No problem,” Jo said. “Have a good night.”

During the drive home, Castiel tried to keep his hands straight on his lap and thoughts away from his pain. While he was glad that Dean kept the conversation in the car and steadily stopped when they arrived home, neither helped Castiel’s mood. Their bouts of silence were usually appreciated by Castiel as it helped him cool down if he was angry and now it didn’t seem to do a thing. It was another wasted night of almost.

When Dean was in their bathroom getting ready to settle in for the night, Castiel took the ring box out of his jean's pocket and put it in his nightstand drawer then sat on the side of the bed, his head in his hands. It all seemed so pointless sometimes.

If it wasn’t his back pain, it was his shoulder pain, the fatigue or a whole new diagnosis that they needed to adjust to. After all these years, he wouldn’t be surprised if he woke up the next morning with another chronic illness that took something else from him.

No matter how long Castiel experienced these things and how prepared he was, there were always moments that made him feel powerless.

“Hey, Cas, the-” Dean began as he walked out of the bathroom. He immediately stopped when he saw Castiel, coming to his side of the bed and kneeling in front of him. “What’s wrong?”

“I just…” Castiel looked from his hands to Dean with tears in his eyes. “This wasn’t how tonight was supposed to play out.”

Dean’s brows furrowed. “What do you mean? Tonight was great. We saw _Tombstone_ , played pool, and had a kickass dinner for free, I don’t─”

Castiel’s eyes hardened. “I wanted to propose to you.”

The confusion disappeared from Dean’s face as his voice grew soft. “What?”

“I wanted to propose to you.” Castiel said again. “I… I had this whole plan to propose to you at The Roadhouse and I actually wanted to propose to you before tonight, too, but I… it was the same day of the diagnosis.” Castiel turned to his nightstand and opened the drawer, pulling out the black box then looking at Dean again. “I’ve had this for so long, just waiting for the perfect moment, but… my pain ruins it.” Castiel opened the box as he continued, his voice breaking. “I love you so much, Dean. You’ve been with me through so much, so, so, so much and you’re still with me. I still can’t believe it. I can’t believe I’m with you because you’re so thoughtful and kind and hilarious and understanding of so much s _hit_ that you don’t have to deal with. And you’ve been incredible with Emmi for all of these years─"

Dean cut him off. “You want to marry me?”

“Yes!” Castiel said as he smiled, a couple tears falling down his cheeks. He brushed them off and continued. “I’ve been wanting to for so long, Dean. I want to marry you, of course.”

“Cas, do you honestly think I need a perfect moment to get proposed to?” Dean asked. “I love you regardless of any candle-lit dinner or bouquet of roses or whatever. I don’t need any of that. I just need you.”

Castiel sniffed. “I couldn’t even give you a night out without ruining it with my pain. I can’t even kneel to propose to you. You’re the one kneeling. This is so ridiculous.”

“Your pain doesn’t ruin anything. You don’t ruin anything. I’d love you no matter what, regardless if you had chronic pain or not but you do and that’s okay. I don’t want you to pretend for me. This is perfect because it’s you. It’s us.” Dean said, taking Castiel’s hand and rubbing his thumb in a slow circular motion. “The only thing I want is for you to be happy and the only way this could be better is if you smiled because I’d love to marry you.”

Castiel’s eyes widened for a moment. “Really?”

“Yeah,” Dean smiled. “You’re the only one I want to be with. Through sickness and health, through everything.” Dean put his left hand in front of Castiel. “You want to put it on me?”

“Mhm,” Castiel sniffed as he nodded. He pulled the gold ring from the box and slid it onto Dean’s index finger, smiling when he looked at Dean.“It fits.”

“And it looks amazing.” Dean said as he took in the ring for a moment then looked at Castiel. “I’m your man.”

Castiel grabbed his cowboy hat from the headboard, put it on, and tried to muster his best Western accent. “And I’m your huckleberry.”

Dean’s voice caught his throat. “God, I love you so much.”

With that, Dean stood from the floor, leaned into Castiel and fell into him on the bed as they kissed. Castiel let out a small squeal before they laughed and stayed together. This was their new normal and it was everything they ever wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, everyone! So... that's the end of Spoons and I hope you enjoyed the (almost) two-year ride of this story. I would have never of guessed that I would learn so much doing this fic and it's been incredible to hear so many people's stories with chronic illness whether it's them with it personally or someone they know. I never knew I would create this small bubble of a community and have people with actual illness write to me and say that they're glad I've given them a voice, especially because I am an able-bodied person. Throughout this whole fic, I've been terribly nervous that I wouldn't portray this facet of humanity correctly without it dissolving into tragedy porn or fetishizing disabilities - which is something I've seen some writers do without batting an eye and I never wanted to do that. It just never seemed right to me. Since updates have been so sporadic, I'm not sure if I'll update this fic with smaller insights to their lives or if anyone is still paying attention to this little fic after this long! But anyway, to all that are still reading and loved this fic, especially those who began reading this right when I started and had to wait for me to update, thank you!!! This has been awesome and I love you all. 
> 
>  
> 
> [Here's my tumblr. Come say hi!](http://ultravioletcastiel.tumblr.com/)
> 
>  
> 
> Here are some links for further reading if you're interested in chronic illness:
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>  
> 
> [Arthritis Foundation](http://www.arthritis.org/about-arthritis/types/rheumatoid-arthritis/what-is-rheumatoid-arthritis.php)  
> [American Chronic Pain Association](https://theacpa.org/default.aspx)  
> [Link ACPA: Fibromyalgia](https://theacpa.org/condition/fibromyalgia)  
> [The Spoon Theory](https://butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/)  
> [Fibromyalgia News Today](https://fibromyalgianewstoday.com/)


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